vent thread 4 all

Codes: yellow, green, purple
TW: self harm and implied homophobia

so 5 days ago bought some 3d files and sent them to my friend so he could print them, all together they made a foxy mask like michael's in FNAF 4 for a cosplay. it took 1 day to print, then an extra two days to glue and give to me. in my first period, art I got some sandpaper and sanded the mask down as well as got some soft, barely elastic plastic string to finish the mask, and that day I was going to take it home and paint the last few details, now something that was going on all day between periods when I was holding the mask, I heard kids (usually guys) saying things about a "furry mask" or "why'd he bring that to school" (this is still the day I got the mask btw) but it didn't bother me, that was until lunch. near the end of lunch some sophomore kid decided it would be funny to run, grab the mask from the platform under the stairwell where I was eating with my friends, and make a break for it.
he grabbed it by the ear, which broke, then the mask fell on the floor, where the other ear broke. I was in shock for about 2 seconds, then I realized what happened and ran after him but he was already turning a corner 50 feet ahead and I couldn't find or catch up to him even if I wanted to, I grabbed the mask and ear (the kid had the other ear) and after a few minutes, my friends convinced me to talk to the dean which I did, we found the guy on the security cameras. problem is he gets to leave school before me, which was about 5 minutes after he tried to steal the mask (we have late lunches) and it was Friday so I have to wait till tomorrow (Monday) for him to pay for damages

now, why did this cause the suicidal thoughts mentioned in my previous post? it was what the mask actually meant to me. it was a symbol of me stepping out of my comfort zone and being more open about myself, that I was a gay, geek who loves FNAF and other things that not a lot of people in my school like. but this kid did this because he thought I was a furry, which probably led him to believe I was gay and/or trans. this means it was targeted and it reminded me of how a lot of people see me: disgusting, confused, a mistake... and it reminded me that i'm not welcome here unless I fit the standard, which I don't.

three days into high school and i'm already becoming a target for bullying, i'm starting to question if this life is even worth living, and the number of lines on my wrist and forearm is slowly growing

Idk what gsa means but there is a club for LGBTQ+ people called prism which i'm trying to find where to join

this did not get any better im about to snap

I feel ya there.

lol gj. I miss my old garden. I have one at this house, (which we moved into about 5 years ago- holy cow it’s been that long??) but there was just different nostalgia for the old one. We planted sunflowers and carrots in it, and neither of those things are in our new one, and probably never will be. Although there are like 50 worms, which is a long ish story but a VERY interesting one.

im just gonna tell it lol. 
okay so I was at a church youth group thing a while ago, and we were playing that one game where you put something in a box and try to guess it. Guess what one thing was? A whole ton of grubby little wormy bois. At the end of the night the dude in charge was like yo anyone do fishing stuff and I was like ME and ran up to him (I do not in fact fish, but I wanted these lil guys to go in my garden and not die). They were in like a whole round salsa container sized thing too. When my mom came by to pick me up cuz I couldn’t drive myself lol, I just got in and opened it up, and she deadass went “you did it again [rain]?” Like bro they’re WoRMS CMON lol

*gives hugs to everyone who wants them*

Codes: yellow, purple

long story short my friend sent me some memes to cheer me up after the mask incident and two were dark humor memes, my Chromebook got flagged by the school system bc I opened the pictures, after explaining that I was in fact not the one who sent them I was let go but my mom was still called and told that I sent the memes, was bullying the other kid, and was deppressed and wanted to jump off the golden gate bridge none of that was true, (except the depression bit but she doesn't need to know that) so after explaining everything again, I still got punished, no emailing from my school chromebook about anything other than school. since I have no phone, email was the only way I could talk to my when not in school so my safe spaces are being cut off one by one and soon i'll have no way to get help from my friends except at school.

If you need an explanation as to why I don't trust adults is because i'm never sure who is and isn't homophobic out of the adults in my school for reasons and I know my friends aren't homophobic, most of them are LGBTQ or allies so yeah, that's fun

I think I will ignore the rule because it seems easiest, the forum idiea would be good but the forums are blocked on my school Chromebook, I need to use a proxy to get on

I hate it when people go after those of us with mental illnesses. The worst part is when they criticize our medicines, one of the things that helps us. I’ve been told my feelings aren’t valid because I’m on an antidepressant. Others have been told that they have been turned into a zombie because of their meds. People are literally saying that we’re better off suffering from an illness simply because they don’t like our medicines. They ignore us when we tell them that we chose to take the medicine because it sucks less than dealing with a mental illness that doesn’t respond to talk therapy or behavioral-cognitive therapy alone. They don’t like what we say so they use either us being on meds or the illness itself to discredit us.

What makes them think this is any different from telling a diabetic to stop taking their insulin?!? If the person is functioning and is otherwise okay, they’re fine on their medicine.

one of my friends told me recently that since i started taking my antidepressants i've "changed, and not in a good way" like oh. okay thanks???

and sometimes i complain abt the side effects and im literally bombarded with people saying "so stop taking them. you can't take them and then complain about it just stop taking them. you just want something to complain about" wow i wish it was that simple guys

black

i failed swimming class again. i hate myself

can you call my instructor and tell them that pretty please

That really sucks. A couple weeks ago we had a weird overlap where they wouldn’t fill my meds for some reason, so I went through withdrawal for about 4 days. (I take concerta for ADHD). My advice is, drink stuff with caffeine but not too much, stay hydrated, try gamifying tasks that are hard to focus on, maybe make a drawing and every little step you complete you add a line? It’s been a while since I needed med-free adhd techniques, sorry. 

Sand sorry about that, I read the swearing thing i today I just sometimes forget, and I never use “f-bombs” on here off of the vent thread