vent thread 4 all

Sometimes I dislike my ability to ruin good things that happen to me.

It sounds like your dad is likely projecting his fears and self hate about his own habits and body on to you. I suspect he probably, somewhere, comes from a place of care and fear in not wanting you to be unhealthy. There could also just be some misogyny into that mix too though tbh. If you can't talk to him about it or change his mind, start thinking of it less like you both need to lose weight and more like you are helping him because he wants a buddy to not do it alone and he just sucks at asking the right way.

Why is it that whenever I wanna do something my brother did at my age I'm suddenly not allowed to do it? My mom thinks that just because I'm a "girl" it means I'm going to get kidnapped or I'm weak. For example, I wanna go ACROSS THE STREET to the grocery store to get a snack or something and my mom says no. She even flat out said it's because I'm a "girl". And I'm talking about trying to get into shape and stuff and my mom says it's a good idea, but how am I supposed to get into shape if I can't go for walks. We don't have a treadmill and I don't have enough room for dance. Sure, I can eat healthier, but exercise is also very important. I'm so tired of not being able to do something just because I'm a "girl".

religions are not cultures and the fact that someone "grew up with it" does not give them the right to its expressly religious practices and aesthetics when they do not believe in it anymore.

i have many feelings about this but i am leaving it at that

I just wish this snow would go away. I hate winter storms.

Okay, I do have a big one. A fear. Now, just to be clear, I'm scared of most things anyway. Bugs, heights, death most rational fears. However, there's this one thing: Vomiting. Being sick will just make me cry and cry and cry. You see, I suffer from a syndrome that is common in my age group, in which if I get sick, well, I keep getting sick, and sick, and sick. I cannot eat, drink, talk or even SWALLOW. I have to spit and it's AWFUL.

Okay, so the other day I was feeling a bit down, like unwell but it was mostly just a dull ache. I let my parents know (as I always do) and I try to hide from my sister (as it kind of scares her when I'm sick, and as hurtful as it is I really can't blame her, it's pretty upsetting seeing someone being driven away to the hospital, crying, vomiting spitting ect.) Luckily for me, I tell them early, about 3-4-ish and they give me my medicine that supposedly helps and then here's the great ol' plot twist: Until this point I have literally never taken that medicine. I hear ya'll going: "What's the plot twist? It's a new medicine, so what?" Well, my friend, it is not. Since about 1-2 years ago, I was given this tablet (It's a wafer tablet, meaning it can dissolve when touched by water) and told it may dissolve in your mouth. And I was just like: "Okay, dissolve, got it." So whenever I felt sick, I would be given it, yet my tiny human brain was thinking: "Okay, once it dissolves in your mouth, just spit it out and it'll work." Like, How did I even come to that conclusion??? So even when I could still swallow, I would spit it out, and that had been going on for AGES.

Okay, so back to the time I was feeling down, my mum tells me: "Why did you spit it out?"

"What?"

"You're supposed to swallow it!!!"

My brain: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT. This whole time my dad's been telling the doctors I took the medicine when I didn't? Now they think it DOESN'T WORK!

So I go back and swallow it, and guess what? That same night, I'm crying myself to sleep terrified I'll be sick, and you know what? I'm completely fine. I fall asleep and wake up in the morning (just for context, I always get sick during the night, for some weird reason.) And now I'm just so *ucking mad that they think it doesn't work when it probably does.

Okay sorry for such a long vent but, oh well.

Just tested positive for COVID. I haven't gotten sick (with covid or anything else) since March of 2020. I was already isolating for the most part and wore an N-95 if I did leave the house, but my mom went to a work event full of people and forgot to mask, so she got it and gave it to me. I guess I'm not that annoyed because it is likely I would have gotten it while traveling to England anyway, but I wish I could have kept my "novid" streak going.

I'm terrified that I will get long COVID or lose my sense of taste/smell. Hopefully being vaccinated will help.

told pretty blatantly by people close to me that they don't really care about my interests or the things i try to show them and they feel annoyed by me which is like, the entire way i communicate and try to get close to people ever. if you're not interested in my things all that says to me is that you aren't interested in me because my entire identity is my stuff. im not interesting and i have nothing else to share besides this. after being told in the past or, avoided and had the subject changed in situations where i talk about myself and try to connect with people in other ways that they don't want to hear me "trauma dump" anymore. sorry my entire life is traumatic and not wanting me to "trauma dump" quite literally means i can't talk about myself or my experiences either. aside from the fact that i'm emotionally disconnected from those experiences at this point and to me theyre just a thing that happened and other people just get bent out of shape if i even mention things related that seem perfectly relevant to me for the conversation we are having.

what do you want from me when you don't like me for the parts that even make me who i am to begin with? have i even ever really been friends with anyone? or are people just friends with the idea of me they've invented and sanitized to the point it is unrecognizable from the real me and start to just want to suppress anything that would challenge their concept of a perfect me?

am i even loved at all?

I love you, leap. You don't need these toxic people in your life, and I hope you can cut them out if you are able to. They don't deserve you.

Hope everything is alright buddy. I’m here if you need anything.

are those people sane?

I got waitlisted at UChicago Law School, which is basically a rejection

I'm not too bummed about UChicago, specifically, but I am dreading the probable waitlist I get from my dream school.

I'm screaming I applied for a job except I did it terribly

"Sorry is it okay if I hand in my resume here? If its not thats totally okay, sorry"

So yeah I'm not getting that job

I’m kinda feelin like I’m losing my mind. There’s just this dullness to each day. I’m a religious person, but sometimes I think some people get that confused for me being pretentious or “sure of my purpose” and unable to accept reality. I’ve encountered this apathy more and more in my daily life and it’s making me reach my limit. I don’t think they realize that out of all of us, I’m the one questioning my purpose the most. I’m the one doubting the most. I’m the one with the weirdest quirks that people wouldn’t dream of. And it takes everything in me to hold on to my faith by the threads. How can a person be blamed for searching for purpose, as if I’m some oddity or freak? I keep racking my brain every day, begging for help. But I can’t depart from my beliefs, which I’ve researched and hold up true in my humble opinion. I cannot imagine a life without meaning. I cannot make my own meaning. I think people assume my beliefs hold me back from truly being free, but they don’t realize that without my faith, I have no values. It’s the only thing holding me together. They wouldn’t want to see a “free” me. So I’m struggling, day in and day out, with being on this planet, facing the inevitable demise of myself and everyone I love, trying to make sense of it, while being ridiculed, not because of my own actions, but because of those who carry the same label as me. I try to spread peace and I’m rewarded with inner turmoil, and I’m feeling absolutely stretched thin.