vent thread 4 all

i have to get an eye procedure done and i'm really afraid of it
plus it's on the 9th so i have two weeks to worry about it

First vent here and it’s going to be a heavy one. I’m quite disappointed in my family and this episode seemed to provide solid proof why they don’t care about me.

I get salivary gland stones on and off. They occur about…once every two or three years? Eating causes me so much pain that I avoid it as much as I can. Well, three days ago I developed a salivary gland stone and it’s the worse it’s ever been—my right lymph node was swollen so badly. I’m kind of underweight anyway so skipping meals wasn’t the wisest, but I did it to avoid the excruciating pain of eating with the salivary gland stone.

Having one small meal a day made me pay the price. For the past two days I’ve been so weak and shaky with heart palpations. I’ve even stumbled and fallen a few times. It’s kind of hard for me to get up, stand, and walk without feeling so trembly and weak-limbed. This morning was the worst—my heart was beating so hard that I forced myself to eat a little.

What I’m disappointed in is the lack of care or worry my family has shown me. I’ve always known I’ve been unloved and neglected, but even while I’m trembling, barely able to stand or walk, they did nothing. Now, I don’t expect anything from my father or brothers (I practically don’t exist in their eyes), but I thought my mother and sisters half-cared. But they didn’t bat an eye when I needed them most. I kind of wish they had asked me more if I was okay, or “forced” me to eat a little, or at least expressed some form of concern. I know I’m good at hiding my pain, but I’m not THAT good.

I don’t know. Am I asking too much from my mother and sisters? I know I’m old enough to take care of myself but given all my health problems (mental and physical), it hurts to be ignored. I don’t expect to be showered with love and attention (I never ever have been) but to be treated like a ghost stings. A lot. Only a few weeks ago, when the family dog was scared of fireworks, my mother was all like, “Shhh, it’s okay, puppy. Awww, stay close to me. Mommy will take care of you.” But when I’m lying on the couch like a dead dog, my mother just walks by me or makes weird jokes. My older sister also didn’t show sympathy, but rather got annoyed at me and lectured me. She thought I was skipping meals because of a different reason.

Even as I write this, I hear my mom saying, “I love puppy dogs,” in a baby voice to the dog while ignoring me. I have tears in my eyes, but I can’t cry lest I incur her wrath. I’m sorry for venting like this and I may delete this post, but ****, I just wish someone cared about me. Self-check-out (Can I mention the word on here?) has been on my mind a lot lately due to severe depression and what transpired the past few days have kinda confirmed me I won’t be missed. My sister told me I was selfish and that “my family will miss me,” but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it.

I think I overate. I feel like I might throw up. I don’t know why I’m sharing this. If my own family doesn’t give a shit about me, who says Internet strangers will? But I just feel so sick and weak and sad and unloved…

Thank you for this...

My pity party is mostly over lol. I'm feeling better now. 

My family is very passive and we've all been taught not to show our emotions. I mean, my father has outright hit me for just crying and others have walked away from me if I'm in the middle of sobbing. There's a reason why I always hide my tears and feel I can never open up or be honest about my feelings. It just gets me more days than others and I think this time it hit a little harder because I'm also feeling physically unwell. 

There is 100% nothing wrong with being visibly upset. Your family is absolutely in the wrong for ignoring or reacting negatively any time you show emotion.

Tealraven I understand. I'm so sorry and I shouldn't have said that. I was just trying to be nice and that's just what I usually tell people and what people tell me.

In a lot of places it's actually not only not doctor recommended, but also illegal in many states and they wouldn't even give you a learners permit let alone a liscence.

Having a seizure behind the wheel puts you & other people at risk of accidents and death. Your parents are stupid and irresponsible.

My mom really hating on LGBTQ+ community this morning. She was all like "Yeah, this person came into the GED program today and the person said 'I use they/them pronouns. How am I supposed to do that?" Like... I don't know, maybe just say they/them when talking about them? She really likes to talk about how she respects them and yet she doesn't use the right pronouns when talking about somebody. For example, my brother used to have a friend who was born a male. Long story short they weren't friends anymore and his ex-friend turned trans. My mom really likes to say he/him when talking about her. At least when my brother talks about her he uses the right pronouns. He may have a few slip ups, but always corrects himself.

Everybody at dance is talking about like "Oh, I have my diver's license/permit. Hey, (Me), when are you gonna get your permit?" I tell them that I'm going to wait until next year and they just start shaming me. "No, you need to get your permit this year, everybody else will have theirs this year." Well guess what? I'm not like everybody else! Dance may not stress you out, but it's stressing me out. That's why I'm waiting until next year to get it. Dance is stressful and takes all the time out of my day and when I come home I enjoy having time to myself and relaxing. Thank God I'm not going to that dance studio next year.

I’ve been experiencing similar things. Recently I was really overwhelmed, and started to cry. My mom said “What are you crying about? You have a great life!” She doesn’t understand that no one has a perfect life, and just because she does a lot for me doesn’t mean she give me a “perfect” life. Then the next day she’s all fine and stuff, and when I’m not exactly happy towards her because of the event that happened the day before she complains about how I’m always negative. Like what? She’s definitely a great parent, but along with every other parent, she’ll never understand her child’s feelings. All we can do is try to stick up for ourselves, even if it’s harsher to do then we believe. We need to do what is right to stay mentally stable.

My doctor didn't give me a document because when he told me about the information it was before my seizures got worse, he was hoping that by the time I start learning how to drive my seizures would stop. I didn't start getting seizures until I was in high school. My family are the type of people who thinks that whatever they say is true. I keep telling them that I can't go behind the wheel because of my seizures and all they reply with is "Wow do you really want something bad to happen to you!?"

Too right.

The same thing is happening with me. Every time I get misgendered or deadnamed I start to feel like I’m dying. Yesterday some kid said “I hate men! I hate him (referring to me) even though he looks like a girl.” I’m trans ftm and I’m trying my best to look masculine but it’s so hard. What is wrong with people. Whenever my mom misgenders me and I get mad at her she acts like she’s the victim and says I’m a horrible son :( I really wish I was born male. Sorry I know people don’t like other people venting under their posts but I can understand what you’re going through. 

So I went digging through the garage last night and I stumbled upon some books I used to read when I was a young teenager. City of Ember, Holes, Chronicles of Darkness, etc. Well, stupid me left them on the edge of my desk for the world to see. My mother came downstairs after she wanted to show me some items she wanted for her birthday, and the moment she saw them, she declared they were all "satanic" and she was not going to allow them in our house. Without hesitation she went upstairs with them, ran them underneath the sink, and threw them in the trash.

Having a lovely start to my day, let me tell you. x_x

I miss the sun(shine). There has not been any in days where I live and not even my vitamin d pills (or going outside) helps right now. My mental health is at an all time low due to other reasons as well but this weather is not helping in the slightest. Waiting for spring indeed...*sigh*

There seems to be a growing mentality these days that, despite the fact that we live in a rapidly changing society, if you form and openly express an opinion and then change it after gathering new knowledge or changing your approach, people call you a hypocrite, even years later. No specific examples here, just speaking generally.