vent thread 4 all

crying every day is getting old I don't even know why I'm crying or feeling so horribly upset but i can't handle this much longer... Ive even cried at work this week. I feel so alone in this and everywhere else too.

give me the rain i want it to rain that long where i am.

you're in california, aren't you, Sandy? i hear you guys have been getting absolutely slammed down there in the Bay Area. i hope you can catch a break soon.

it really has been beautiful here lately. So much so that we're going last minute camping with friends tomorrow.

Going to Milwaukee next weekend to visit friends and that's gonna be a helluva temp shock change.

I feel like we still havent really gotten a true winter here and it's actually made me really depressed.

I really need to vent lately.

Okay so, I’m your classic overthinker. I never feel like I did something right and it’s not the best thing for mental health. I Ty not to overthink all this BS happening in my life, but I can’t. I also have RLS (restless leg syndrome) a common sleeping disorder where at night and sometimes during the day you have a huge urge to move your legs and sometimes other body parts. So basically, I’m up for around 2 hours at night just trying to get to sleep. And may I mind you, this is after I put down my phone. So, in result to being up staring at the ceiling super late at night, I start to overthink then. It doesn’t help when I do end up crying my mom says “What are you crying about? You have a good life!” and when I apologize, “Stop saying sorry! You aren’t sorry!” As if I’m a nine year old again. Luckily, she’s a good mom and apologizes. However, it still makes the little voices in my head say that to me. It’s very difficult in life where you find yourself doubting every choice you make, and hardly ever having a clear mind. I know this is a habit that I’ve developed myself, but developing things is easier then getting rid of them.

Also Sand, nty. It’s been raining here more then snowing.

Sand, I'll take your rain! I hate sunny weather.

Gotta love how my mom pushes me to see helping others with their problems as a burden, and doesn't understand why I feel immense guilt and shame any time I need to ask someone for help or talk about my own problems.

Oh my gosh, I HATE proving I'm not a robot. I'm always so bad at it, and for some reason that affects my self esteem. Also, as you say, it's incredibly annoying.

OMFG I hate when this happens. Last time this happened to me, I requested a new account for the site sourced from my current email, and it claimed that that email was already in use.

Actual advice requested.

Ever since my grandma died, my old facebook page that I've since kinda gone inactive on/keep up for sake of people looking to get into contact with her or wanting to know what happened keeps getting friend requests & message requests of estranged family and family I didn't know about.

And a lot of them end up asking about my name or why I don't talk to my mom, and why I never reached out to them. I don't know how to answer without a can of worms so I have been Vague.

And I have been stewing on writing a public open letter and just spilling... all of it. Literally everything.
How I was treated growing up by her and the grown ups around me.
How my mom isolated me from other family members who were, apparently, trying to get in contact with me the whole time.
How scared I am of even having family, because I don't know what parts she told me about certain ones were true, or if she was badmouthing them like she badmouthed me to others and the fear of having someone else take advantage of my craving for familial connection.
What actually went down with my grandma before she passed away. And how on our second to last conversation she sobbed for her daughter who never visited and asked me why my mom doesnt love her anymore and me not knowing how to answer. And the absolute ****ing rage and grief seared into my brain.
The way she repeatedly treated my stepdad too, and my son, and the countless friendships and relationships she ruined for me.
Asking my dad why he always took her side in public but my side in private, and why he couldn't have stopped it.
All the times as a child I was punished because *someone else* was abusing me and taking advantage of me.
How I was never trusted or medically examined for the serious issues I have that were treatable at a young age but now im stuck in a body filled with pain, and ptsd.
The nightmares and daily horrors I spend my days with alone.
And just asking why. And begging them that if they don't stop then not only will they have lost me, but their grandson too when i already know theyve traumatized him to some degree and i see myself in him to an unsettling amount. But its still reversible.
Telling my other family that I'm sorry, I want to be there. I wan't to talk, but they're no more than strangers to me still.
That I wish they'd either stop bringing it up, or let me finally clear the air so i can move on and have some kind of peace with it.

I want to. I know it will help me. To finally put words to everything. To finally speak for my child self who did everything to be heard but wasnt.

But I'm terrified of the backlash. Im terrified of what it will bring. My mom hasnt spoken to me directly in three years and I'm still convinced she will find any way, any excuse to rope me in and drag me to my lowest or lower.

Do I pick the opportunity to move or do i pick safety.

I wasn't going to be inflammatory about it. Just to finally put everything out there and maybe just finally move on.

Frankly I'm not close enough to any of my other family for their opinions to even matter to me because I was estranged from everyone. If they decide that I'm a liar then that's no different from a stranger saying the same thing so its like. Whatever, I guess. I know how block button works.

My kom kept me away from literally almost everyone, even going so far as to block calls from them asking how I was doing or intercepting my mail and return-to-sendering all of it or opening and destroying it. I only found out about it cause my dad found her doing it and rescued some mail from the garbage and hid it from her to give to me as I was leaving. Also telling a lot of stories about how horrible the family is-- but knowing how she lies to others about me makes me question if those were all lies too.

Hence why I just... don't have family? There are people blood related to me who are trying to get to know me and I don't know what to say to them. I just hope an open letter would answer everyone's questions so I can be left alone.

Having some emotional backup would be nice though.

Writing some kind of letter has been on my mind for a long time and its oke of those things i keep writing and re writing in my head that keeps me up at night.

When you don't know if it's depression causing your procrastination, or if it's your procrastination fueling your depression.