vent thread 4 all

I really just hate myself and I'm tired of staying alive when there is nothing to do, no point to anything, and none of the normal things to do appeal to me at all so I really would rather just sit here and rot on a chair hoping the only thing I ever found enjoyable will become enjoyable again eventually.

Nothing is exciting thats the problem. I appreciate the thought though,

oh good i've been waiting for it to pass since i was 14. hopefully by the end of the next decade then.

Guess what?

Last week, it dawned on me that my sickness might've actually been covid.

I thought it was a cold at first. That it'd go away after a couple days at least. Then one night I had so much trouble breathing, I couldn't fall asleep right away. I couldn't taste my food. Couldn't smell anything. My usual sick medicine didn't work well.

Fortunately, my sense of taste and smell returned and only the coughing lingers. But gosh, it was awful.

What a month so far. Right before Christmas, too. lol >.<

wheat bread with tuna fish, provolone, and shredded lettuce, toasted pls

EDIT: okay definitely wrong thread

Phew, I'm glad I read you wrong then lol.

Still though, I don't know whether to feel sorry or if that would offend you, so...

everyone out here airing their despair, meanwhile im trying to order a sandwich

embodiment of that vine where the waffle house workers are brawling and the dudes like “can i please get a waffle”

Also, the taste of microwaved frozen pizza has totally ruined my appetite for the rest of the day.

Going unheard and completely talked over and having any point i bring up shut down before I can even finish a full sentence makes me go full violence mode because I've dealt with it my whole life and I always shut up and dealt with it but the one time I snapped and couldn't take it anymore actually got me heard for once so now every time conflict happens I just get uncontrollably physically aggressive and can't calm down until the wave passes and I'm genuinely terrified one of these days I'm going to fly into a rage bad enough to seriously injure or kill my roommate. I wish I was exaggerating but it really has gotten that bad.

Why can't he just stop talking and let me say anything. Why does he always have to be right. Why can't he stop yelling and insulting me when he is angry before I just go ape shit for BOTH our own good. Why can't he just be nice to me anymore. His habits continue to remind me of my mom worse and worse and it triggers me an overwhelming amount.

And I just cant help but feel if I literally ruin every single relationship to the point they start abusing me after a while I probably just deserve it. I did this. This pattern is my fault. I'm too ****ed up to be loveable and everyone who tries gets corrupted. I should have killed myself years ago to just prevent everyone and myself the hassle of dealing with me when im this insufferable. No matter what I try to do, how much I work on myself, what therapy I have tried, it all still fails. Trying is futile. Some people deserve to die and I'm one of them. I cant take it anymore. I can't take knowing I'm a threat to other people if they accidentally push the wrong buttons and there's nothing that curbs my anger even a little bit until I either inflict pain on myself or someone else it finally quells itself and then I'm left feeling like a shell living with the burden of it again and feeling guilty but also resentment that other people brought me to that point to begin with. That I was just screwed up right from the start and there was nothing I could do about it and being literally tortured growing up has left me with lifelong wounds too big to heal.

No im not going to do anything to myself but I cant take this level of despair quietly anymore.

I shut up about all my problems for years because of someone on these forums who is still here. Yeah. You know who you are and actually if you read this plz go to hell for making my life so much worse because people believed you for no real reason cause I guess taking me for a liar and then making fun of a victim of abuse with ptsd and talking about me on discord was easier than ever just scrolling past my threads thanks i hate you and I'm tired of hiding what you personally did and you getting away with it xoxo.

I don’t know you very well yet, so I don’t want to make insensitive assumptions about what you’ve been through or compare myself to you.

But there are parts of what you wrote that hit very close to home for me. For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re still here and I’m glad you’ve made it this far. I’m glad I’ve had the chance to become friends with you. I’m not good at offering comfort or support, and maybe it’s not appropriate right now, but I wanted to say something. I can delete this if you want, though.

i do appreciate it though i just need to wallow in self hate.

I know it feels so lazy quoting Saint Ambrosef here, but honestly they summarized my thoughts better than I ever could, not to mention my brain is flatlining right now. I am honestly though so angry - not at you of course Xeno, but at the shitty people in your life and the trauma they have caused you, and continue to do so. I sincerely hope that one day you'll be able to exit this situation and find yourself in an environment where you'll truly be able to grow and flourish and start to heal. I'm sorry that I can't offer much comfort - it isn't a specialty of mine unfortunately, but know that my heart goes out to you.

Saint Ambrosef - I know your post wasn’t for me, but I found it very comforting. I’m going to copy it and save it somewhere so I can look at it next time I start blaming myself for being unloveable. Thank you.

Leapkit - I don’t have the right words to say what I want to say, but I wish I could give you a hug. (Hope it’s not too invasive of me to say that)

Okay, so this first vent isn't bad depending on how you look at it.

I have a crush in somebody. Yup, me the person who hasn't had a real, genuine crush before. He's just so dang cute! And his personality; he's hilarious. He's one of the only boys that talks to me at school and we go back a few years ago. I had just moved to a new school and my best friend and I would play with him and his best friend. about 2 years ago he switched schools, and the year after that was when I realized I had a bit of a crush on him. Last year, I kinda forgot about the crush I had, since it was so small at the time. But this year I moved to the same school as him and now those feelings are resurfacing... a lot stronger than last time though. I wanna tell him how I feel, but I'm afraid that he'll reject me and say he only sees me as a friend and then everything will be awkward. Now whenever I talk to him, I can't stop smiling and laughing and I just get this intense flutter in my stomach. Sigh... This is kinda bad...

Now onto the not so nice vent. My best friend is now my ex-best friend. She's been treating me like crap lately and I've told her to stop, but she won't. She and I are in dance and she thinks that just because we moved up a team earlier than everybody else, that it makes her SO much better than everybody else. She keeps telling me what to do. She constantly tells me to watch the videos of the dances and she knows that it's getting on my nerves, but does she stop? NO! She also accused my friend of something and then when I told her not to accuse her she said it was "just a joke". Another instance where she said something was "just a joke" is when my friend's stomach was hurting, so I jokingly said "[Name], did you swallow any magnets lately?" (you could tell I was joking by my tone). And then ex-bestie says "Well, I seem to be the only logical one here" and basically saying that me and our other friend aren't smart. And when I got onto her about it, she said it was a joke and started getting nervous (her tone was serious). And one last thing, I've been going to a class in the other dance studio in town and when my secret was revealed, everybody was okay with it, even my dance teachers. But then, my ex-bestie's mom decided that she was going to tell my dance teacher it was a problem and she didn't like it. My ex-bestie is such a spoiled and entitled brat.

Anyways, here's my brothers quote of the day! "A relationship is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit."