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Post by mintedstar/fur on Jan 8, 2017 23:41:45 GMT -5
Please fan me! This is a great piece! You will be added now. Thanks so much for reading.
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Jan 8, 2017 23:51:42 GMT -5
One review, coming up! (If it seems like there's a lot of points for improvement, that's because I spent a lot of time looking for them ) ★★★★✩ Mortality is an exciting read throughout, with several twists I did not see coming! The concept is very intriguing, a clever mashup between Warriors canon and the author's own lively invention, and even a philosophical angle. All the main characters are drawn clearly and distinctly, and where canon characters appear they stay true to the Erins' depiction. The writing is also very clear and to the point, which suits the suspenseful style of the fic. I'd perhaps like to see more of Hollypaw's relationships with her family and Clanmates but, to be honest, in a fic this action-packed it might be hard to find room. Another issue I found was the large amount of information we receive when Soot and Whitefire's POVs come in, which might be better spread throughout more chapters, and the explanation of Hollypaw's part in the story, which I felt came a bit too late. The shift from 1st to 3rd person halfway through is a bit jarring; given the number of POVs, it would be more natural to use 3rd person throughout. However, this doesn't detract from my recommendation of Mortality to anyone who likes fantasy, AU fics, or just a well-written storyline with plenty of mystery and suspense! Ah, I'm so glad someone noticed that I didn't focus on the main characters family. I couldn't figure out how to do that and still stay true to the main plot. And thanks, we might get a big edit later on, with that rushed info dump ironed out. I've really wanted to polish this up ever since finishing it. And the 1st to 3rd will have to go. XD Thanks so much, Sapphire. I'm really glad you did this review for me, because it really gives insight to what I can fix when I edit.
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Post by ~Sapphire~ on Jan 9, 2017 14:57:21 GMT -5
One review, coming up! (If it seems like there's a lot of points for improvement, that's because I spent a lot of time looking for them ) ★★★★✩ Mortality is an exciting read throughout, with several twists I did not see coming! The concept is very intriguing, a clever mashup between Warriors canon and the author's own lively invention, and even a philosophical angle. All the main characters are drawn clearly and distinctly, and where canon characters appear they stay true to the Erins' depiction. The writing is also very clear and to the point, which suits the suspenseful style of the fic. I'd perhaps like to see more of Hollypaw's relationships with her family and Clanmates but, to be honest, in a fic this action-packed it might be hard to find room. Another issue I found was the large amount of information we receive when Soot and Whitefire's POVs come in, which might be better spread throughout more chapters, and the explanation of Hollypaw's part in the story, which I felt came a bit too late. The shift from 1st to 3rd person halfway through is a bit jarring; given the number of POVs, it would be more natural to use 3rd person throughout. However, this doesn't detract from my recommendation of Mortality to anyone who likes fantasy, AU fics, or just a well-written storyline with plenty of mystery and suspense! Ah, I'm so glad someone noticed that I didn't focus on the main characters family. I couldn't figure out how to do that and still stay true to the main plot. And thanks, we might get a big edit later on, with that rushed info dump ironed out. I've really wanted to polish this up ever since finishing it. And the 1st to 3rd will have to go. XD Thanks so much, Sapphire. I'm really glad you did this review for me, because it really gives insight to what I can fix when I edit. I had a similar problem with Swans. Did you notice that all the main characters' parents are dead or seriously neglectful? But slotting in lines like "neither of her siblings liked...either" is a good start. And good luck on the big edit! I'll look forward to the results
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Jan 14, 2017 23:15:47 GMT -5
As you can see from how long it took to reply I have very little free time. But I'm very grateful for the advice. Thank you.
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Post by ~Sapphire~ on Jan 15, 2017 13:48:32 GMT -5
Aww, I'm sorry :c And no problem!
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Feb 5, 2017 3:52:15 GMT -5
Fun Facts (Best read after you finish the story.): Chapter 1 Part of the first line in first chapter is shared with the first version of this story "A New Life". 'I knew she was...'- Originally, Hollykit was going to be the reincarnation of Hollyleaf. "...first thing I saw in the dawn light was Whitefire."- Whitefire's markings were common in my first couple of fan fictions. She was my first fursona and I kept her around as a guide for Hollykit. So, Whitefire is me. "She was a white she-cat with tousled fur. Her right ear and left paw were raven black and her watery green eyes.."----
Chapter 2 Heron was original going to die on a thunderpath. “Name’s Heron..."
- The whole afterlife part was never intended. Originally it was just supposed to be the past. "My life plays in front of me, from when I lost my life."
--- Chapter 3 The big reveal in this chapter on the part of Whitefire was because I got bored and didn't want to draw the suspense out. “I can’t answer everything, some of it is too important to be trusted to the winds. But I’m going to warn you now; many answers will only lead to more questions.”
---- Chapter 4 I intended for Owl to play a bigger role then a briefly mentioned character. “Owl,” she said. “He’s my brother. Nice guy if you don’t mind his pushiness.”
---- Chapter 5 I was planning in later chapters for there to be much more hate between Ratscar and Hollypaw. "We were in a middle of a battle, helpless as kits."
---- Chapter 6
As I said, I had intended for Owl to play a bigger part. I would have also hinted that the cat he is looking for is his mate. Oh well. '“You haven’t seen a ginger tom with amber-red eyes around here have you?” he asked, sounding a little on edge."
- The Ashfur plan was a what-if idea I had. Soot was invented on the spot, just to see what would happen in the story. '“You can’t be. You can’t be Ashfur. I killed you.”'
---- Chapter 7 Molepaw was going to die ever since chapter 1. In the original draft, A New Life, Molepaw was of no relation to Hollypaw and eventually ended up as her mate. Then I killed him off in a similar way to Feathertail. Yay! "A dream of a battle that had ended in death."
---- (More to be added between here.) ---- Chapter 14
All the Seedkit/paw's secret business was me having a what-if thought. I've always headcannoned Seedkit from the Warrior books as transgender. So, Seedkit's secret is that. It was hinted at throughout the story but I wanted to leave it as open to interpratation as possible. "Secrets, thought Soot. They could even be held by kits."
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Feb 5, 2017 3:56:25 GMT -5
@thewolfsshadow Jackalstep~Sapphire~Maplestone360Fun Facts are added in the above post and in Short Stories and Sneak Peeks if you are interested.
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Post by Jackalstep on Feb 14, 2017 0:20:07 GMT -5
I will check those out this weekend, just popping in briefly to say hi!
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Feb 16, 2017 0:15:34 GMT -5
I need to add more, but I hope you like what I have up so far. I'm also going to post the very first version, A New Life, soon. In all its fragmented sentenced, bad grammar, not much of chapters at all, glory.
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Post by Jackalstep on Feb 21, 2017 23:32:18 GMT -5
Pretty interesting so far. Some things are weird to me personally, I admit. But it's always fun to see an author's thought process.
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Feb 22, 2017 0:20:05 GMT -5
Weird's my middle name, so that's fine. XD So I'm glad you found it interesting at least.
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Mar 19, 2017 14:20:20 GMT -5
Bumping. I need to edit this and I think I'll work on that now...
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Mar 24, 2017 23:55:17 GMT -5
Wish I had a contest to enter this in. Hint, hint.
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Mar 25, 2017 15:50:06 GMT -5
I'm quietly entertaining the idea of starting a contest.
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Post by mintedstar/fur on May 8, 2017 1:59:08 GMT -5
Wonder if I should use this for that one contest on that other forums...
Also, I'm editing Chapter 1 now.
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Jun 10, 2017 14:58:04 GMT -5
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Post by Jackalstep on Jun 15, 2017 16:12:30 GMT -5
Hi, Mint, I'm just popping in quickly to say goodbye properly; I'm leaving the forums. I'm sorry for vanishing for a few months without saying anything. You've been a good forum friend, and I've really appreciated all your support for my writing. I've known for some time that I need to take a break from all my Warriors projects, but had been reluctant to do so. My stuff will also still be on Figment and Tumblr, but I won't be actively updating anything. So, I guess this is goodbye for now, and I hope all goes well for you.
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Jun 15, 2017 16:36:20 GMT -5
Aw! Buy Jackle! <3 I hope everything goes well for you in your life and thank you for being such a good forum friend. I'll still follow your work on Figment and I hope when you do pop in that we can say hey.
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Jul 16, 2017 13:25:30 GMT -5
Bumpy.
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Aug 15, 2017 12:30:08 GMT -5
Bumps
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Sept 22, 2017 2:39:27 GMT -5
*hits topic* Bump!
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Oct 23, 2017 19:26:47 GMT -5
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Nov 22, 2017 12:21:42 GMT -5
This still exists!
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Jan 10, 2018 12:21:04 GMT -5
Bump for future readers
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Feb 6, 2018 10:37:06 GMT -5
bump Hello!
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Mar 2, 2018 2:09:02 GMT -5
Boop
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Mar 31, 2018 22:10:55 GMT -5
bump!
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Apr 28, 2018 0:56:26 GMT -5
Don't die on me fic. <3
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Post by mintedstar/fur on May 26, 2018 20:22:51 GMT -5
Since there really isn't anything to update this with I guess it's back to the top with you.
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Jun 27, 2018 16:50:36 GMT -5
Since there really isn't anything to update this with I guess it's back to the top with you. x2
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