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Post by ⁻ ⁻ ☾ ᵇˡᵘᵉ ᵐᵒᵒᶰ on Sept 4, 2017 14:54:58 GMT -5
- - Into the Wild Unknown - -
a testing page
This page will be used by me and other high-ranking members (such as mods and admins) to test individuals on their roleplaying ability. All main page rules apply here.
Back to Main Page (planning page for now)
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Post by . on Sept 4, 2017 15:07:22 GMT -5
(I'm here! So, how is this going to work?)
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Post by ⁻ ⁻ ☾ ᵇˡᵘᵉ ᵐᵒᵒᶰ on Sept 4, 2017 15:19:59 GMT -5
- - RP Test Post for Ariat
It was dawn. Smokyshade could see the soft sunlight begin to creep over the horizon, through the trees, and finally through the cracks of the den walls. He blinked and squinted his eyes as he got used to it, still laying in his comfortable, warm nest. He let out a sigh as he felt some of his denmates stir, perking his ears at the sound of Nightwatcher getting up and walking out of the den. She must be going on the dawn patrol... but then, so am I! He recalled his talk with the deputy, Ferntail, the night before as they shared a squirrel. They had been denmates since kithood, and although Ferntail was busy with her new duties, Smokyshade still wanted to keep an air of closeness with the she-cat. And, of course, when she mentioned leading the dawn patrol the next day, he was quick to volunteer. Why did I say I'd join her? He groaned to himself, making himself sit up and lift a paw. He licked it and ran it over his head, making sure no stray bits of moss clung to his fur before leaving. Stifling a yawn, he stood up and tried to get to the den exit. Careful not to step on anyone, he made his way out and looked around the clearing. Ferntail was talking to her apprentice, Mousepaw, and the young warrior Nightwatcher. It seemed that they hadn't noticed him yet. He trotted over, all previous thoughts of tiredness disappeared from his mind.
" Ferntail! Hey!" He said as he stopped in front of them, " Is this our dawn patrol?" He asked, looking over the three cats eagerly. Mousepaw was quite a new apprentice, only joining her denmates a half moon ago. Nightwatcher was a very dedicated and loyal warrior, very observant in the field. And Ferntail was a great cat and deputy, one Smokyshade was proud to call his friend. And he was spending the morning patrolling with these three cats! Even though the sun had barely begun rising, the day already looked like it would go alright.
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Post by ⁻ ⁻ ☾ ᵇˡᵘᵉ ᵐᵒᵒᶰ on Sept 4, 2017 15:22:58 GMT -5
(I'm here! So, how is this going to work?) |
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Post by . on Sept 4, 2017 15:37:51 GMT -5
Stormstrike was scheduled to go on the dawn patrol. What was that? Did he volunteer? No way, the tom normally couldn't be caught waking up early unless his brother dragged him from the den. Stormstrike wouldn't consider himself lazy, he just liked sleep. Was he assigned to the patrol? No. At least, he hadn't been originally. It was a punishment.
The night before, the tom had brought Foxclaw's kits out of camp to explore. He hadn't seen a problem with it. They were almost apprentices and Stormstrike was a decent warrior. He'd be able to protect them. They had been caught returning to camp. Of course, what did Stormstrike hate the most? Early mornings. That's why he was forcing himself out of his best when he heard others beginning to stir.
He watched from across the den as Smokyshade exited. Once the other warrior had left, Stormstrike forced himself to his feet.
"Having fun?" Foxclaw asked quietly, sitting up in his own nest. Foxclaw was always an early riser and often joined the dawn patrol. In fact, Stormstrike had taken his brother's spot this morning.
Stormstrike didn't even respond to Foxclaw. He was only doing it to annoy him. After taking his sweet time to yawn and stretch, Stormstrike shook his head and pushed his way out of the den.
He saw a few cats wandering around camp, but paused when his eyes locked onto Smokyshade, Mousepaw, Nightwatcher, and Ferntail. He approached them and was about to give some remake that showed his utter dissatisfaction with this, but then changed his mind.
Maybe, just maybe, if he acted as though this wasn't a big deal, it wouldn't be used to punish him in the future. "Morning, guys!" Stormstrike called. He stifled a yawn and put as much energy and cheeriness in his voice as he could muster. "Should we get going?" he asked.
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Post by ⁻ ⁻ ☾ ᵇˡᵘᵉ ᵐᵒᵒᶰ on Sept 4, 2017 18:05:30 GMT -5
Smokyshade's ears flicked as he heard some more stirring and voices from the warrior den. Was another cat part of the dawn patrol? Ferntail didn't mention anyone else. Although he supposed the more eyes and ears, the better. He turned his head as he heard Stormstrike's voice, and it took him a moment to register what he said. " Oh, hello Stormstrike! We were just about to head out." He paused for a moment, looking the tom up and down. His chipper-sounding voice didn't fool Smokyshade, he could tell by the way he held himself and walked that he was tired. He lifted his legs almost as if some weight was dragging them down, and his tail was clearly drooping. And, of course, his eyes still had some sleepy dust inside. He let out a small chuckle, " Still tired, eh? Don't worry, we won't be out for too long! Then you can get some fresh-kill as soon as we're back." He glanced at Ferntail for a moment before adding, " Maybe our great deputy will even let us hunt a little on the way back!" A humorous purr rumbled from his throat as he remembered the times he had attended the dawn patrol as an apprentice. His mentor allowed him to hunt on the way back, and he had caught a rabbit almost as big as him! Nothing could erase the priceless face his mentor had when saw Smokyshade trot towards him, his head held proudly as he half-dragged the rabbit. Perhaps he would make an impressive catch like that again, and impress the patrol! And more importantly, Ferntail... Why am I so intent on getting Ferntail's attention? He suddenly asked himself, questioning his own motives. Surely it was just because he wanted to impress his friend? Or is it something more? He quickly shook the thoughts off and instead tried to focus on the patrol.
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Post by . on Sept 4, 2017 18:55:30 GMT -5
Stormstrike glanced at Smokyshade. Although he didn't say anything until a few long seconds after the other tom had stopped speaking, he heard his stomach rumble at the mention of fresh-kill. A warm rabbit or mouse or bird or something would be amazing right now. He glanced longingly at the pile in the middle of camp, knowing the plump bodies would go to elders and queens first. He was still determined to make this tolerable for himself, as if he were trying to prove something. "I'm sure it'll be great," he said in the same cheery voice, though he didn't doubt that the other cat could see through this fake exterior. Stormstrike wasn't ill tempered, just tired at the moment.
He nodded in greeting to Ferntail. Even if he was tired and upset about his punishment, he didn't see that as any reason to lack respect. He then turned to Smokyshade. "I apologize that my more cheerful and outgoing brother couldn't be here as well, but I can be just as fun as Foxclaw," he said. Patrols weren't about having fun, but Foxclaw constantly reminded him that optimism and positivity could make even the most dull task fun.
"But we probably should get going, shouldn't we? At this rate, it won't be dawn for much longer," he said, looking up at the sky. He hoped he appeared eager, though he knew he most likely appeared just as he felt. Tired, hungry, and wanting to get this patrol over with.
"That is a good idea though, eh? Between the," he paused to count, "five of us, we could probably get the pile overflowing with the juiciest bodies in the territory." He was actually beginning to look forward to the hunting part. If Ferntail approved of the idea, he knew it'd make the whole patrol better. Stormstrike was a relatively food motivated cat.
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Post by ⁻ ⁻ ☾ ᵇˡᵘᵉ ᵐᵒᵒᶰ on Sept 4, 2017 19:22:29 GMT -5
[ Okay, Ari! I think I've seen enough to give you my thoughts! c: Your roleplaying is great! It's just what I'm looking for, however there are a few nit-picky details I figured I'd bring up; [long post incoming]
I notice you often don't go into much detail on how your character is feeling, what they're doing, or the things going on around them. This is very helpful to do, as it helps flesh out your paragraphs and make them more interesting to read. This isn't essential, and your roleplaying is still very good, however I figured I'd bring it up as a little tip! It often helps me get above and beyond the line limit to ask and answer these questions: How does your character feel? Why? Don't be too long-winded, just explain it clearly. What are they doing? Even if it's something small like sitting there, shuffling their paws. What does the ground feel like beneath them? Are there any scents in the air? What are their surroundings like? How does it impact them? What are the cats around them doing? Are they noticing the little things, or are they not very observant? All these questions are very nice for character development as well as make your role playing very pleasant and filled with interest!
Another good thing to remember is your character and how they see the world around them. What are their motives? Fears?
Are they optimistic, pessimistic? These things can go into how they see their surroundings, take hunting at night for example. A cat who is easily frightened and pessimistic might see the trees as 'dark, looming figures that tower above them', but a more positive, brave cat might see the trees as 'tall, strong silhouettes among the woods, watching over the forest floor like guardians'.
I also noticed you seem to use some words a lot in the same paragraph, and although that is a pretty small detail, it can make reading a bit awkward.
"I apologize that my more cheerful and outgoing brother couldn't be here as well, but I can be just as fun as Foxclaw," he said. Patrols weren't about having fun, but Foxclaw constantly reminded him that optimism and positivity could make even the most dull task fun."
Here we see that you used the word 'fun' three times, and while that isn't much of an issue normally, let's see what happens when I replace two of those 'fun's with some alternatives and spice it up a bit!
"I apologize that my more cheerful and outgoing brother couldn't be here as well, but I can be just as fun as Foxclaw," he said. Patrols weren't about amusement, but Foxclaw constantly reminded him that looking on the bright side and using imagination could make even the dullest tasks enjoyable."
Do you notice a difference? It might just be a slight one, and I'm not even that good of a roleplayer myself, just passing on some writing tips! I hope I'm not being too harsh or pushy, just trying to give you some good constructive criticism and ideas for your roleplay style.
That being said, you're accepted! I'll add you to the member list on the planning page now, welcome to the planing team!
c:
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Post by . on Sept 4, 2017 19:37:47 GMT -5
Thank you! I should probably mention that out of your comments, the one about more detail is what my writing teacher said to be and the one about reusing the same word a lot is something I noticed myself, so they're both bigger issues that I do need to correct. But yeah your constructive criticism is actually very appreciated. Thank you : )
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