〈« ᴅᴏɴ·ᴛ ᴡᴀɴɴᴀ ʙᴇ ᴏᴠᴇʀ ʏᴏᴜ »〉 : ᴊ ﹠ x

Jaeho couldn't say that he was happy with Xzavier's response, but what could he do? He didn't have the same influence over the other man that he'd had as a child. They were both adults, after all. Xzavier was allowed to do whatever he wanted.

"Ok, fine. Just promise me to be careful, at least. Don't hurt yourself if it's not...necessary." He wasn't even sure what he meant by 'necessary', but he needed some type of closure on this. He would never forgive himself if Xzavier got injured or something because of this job. "And stop saying things about how you're not as important as whatever. That's not true and you know it, so shut up." Even Jaeho could recognize that his speech had become more childish over the years, especially in English, especially around Kyungil and the other members. It was part of his charm, they told him, so it was ok and it was welcome. Jaeho wasn't quite sure what he felt about it, but there really was nothing he could do.

The fans always complained about how they couldn't understand what Jaeho's deal was. One minute he would be waving at the camera and smiling like an *****, the next he was rolling his hips and, as one fan had put it, "undressing the camera with his eyes." To be quite honest, he wasn't sure what his deal was, either. Kyungil once complained during an interview that Jaeho did too much fanservice and it was hard to watch. Jaeho had laughed.

He made a mental note to try and come out here every night to check on Xzavier and talk to him, even if he was tired and could only manage to be out for a few minutes, even if Kyungil was still awake and wanted him in bed. He felt bad for Xzavier. From what he'd told Jaeho, the guy was essentially alone and Jaeho was going to feel terrible when he had to leave.

It was already well past two in the morning. Jaeho yawned. He wondered if he should go sleep. I'm not performing tomorrow. But he still had practice. And Dokyun had said something about the group going to New York and checking out the city. Sihyoung had always wanted to see Times Square and Yijeong wanted to go to the Disney store to get a light saber or something.

But he didn't want to leave. This was nice. Judging from Xzavier's posture, the other was starting to relax and they were well on their way to falling back into old conversation patterns. If nothing else, Jaeho hoped that by the end of this trip, he could get Xzavier to get an account on KakaoTalk or something so that they could communicate more easily once Jaeho returned to Korea. The idols that he knew communicated almost exclusively using KakaoTalk. HISTORY's group chat was on KakaoTalk (not that they didn't have a chat on iMessage as well, but they very rarely used it).

He should keep talking. Keep asking questions. This was going well. Xzavier was answering his questions and he was catching up on the years he'd missed in his friend's life. "So...are you planning on staying in New York? Even after you graduate?"

Jaeho wanted to stay. He really did. He wanted to keep Xzavier company because being out here, alone, in the empty hallway must not be very exciting even if the job paid well. But his eyelids felt heavy and honestly, he hadn't been sleeping well these past few weeks. When he first heard that they would be coming to America, he had hoped that it would mean more time to sleep, maybe catch up on some of the sleep he had been missing.

He hadn't planned on Xzavier being here.

When Xzavier poked him with his shoe, saying something about going to bed, Jaeho only muttered something incomprehensible before pushing himself off the ground into a standing position. "You...you rest, too." And he leaned in for a quick hug before letting out a small sigh and heading down the hallway towards his room.

--

"Jagiya..." Jaeho let out a small sigh when Kyungil merely grumbled and rolled onto his side. "Dokyun-hyung will be angry if we're late." He draped himself over his boyfriend's form, peppering light kisses over his neck. Kyungil groaned, but his eyes flickered open and Jaeho smiled before climbing off the bed. "You have fifteen minutes before hyung comes to collect us, ok?"

It was approxiametely half an hour before the group made it to Times Square. After complaining to their manager, Kyungil managed to get the company to agree to only have two security personel follow them around in the city. Much to Kyungil's chagrin, Xzavier was one of those personnel, but when he complained about that, their manager simply said that there was nothing they could do. Xzavier was one of the best in the business, he had to be there.

Jaeho found it to be more than a little suffocating for Kyungil to be traveling next to him all day, nearly always claiming some physical contact, whether it be an arm around the shoulder or waist or simply holding hands. But he didn't say anything. If the constant contact made Kyungil feel more secure, there was no reason for Jaeho to protest.

He also didn't dare voice his opinion about Xzavier coming along. He was rather glad that his old friend would be with them, even if he wouldn't be able to talk to him with Kyungil practically hanging off of him. Just knowing that Xzavier was there was comforting to Jaeho. This way, he could watch out for the other, even if it was technically Xzavier's job to watch out for him.

"Look it's the Disney store!" Yijeong's screech was so sudden it almost gave Jaeho a heart attack and Sihyoung immediately made a grab at the younger, though the maknae was too fast and was already half-way across the square by the time anyone could really process what was going on. Letting out a long, dramatic sigh, Dokyun motioned for the group to follow their youngest member.

Jaeho heard Sihyoung mutter "brat" and he smiled slightly. It was basically in Yijeong's job description to be a brat. Kyungil tugged lightly on his wrist and the couple followed the rest of their group across the grounds.

"You wanna buy me a light saber, too, jagi?"

Jaeho suspected that part of the reason for Yijeong's heightened enthusiasm regarding the Disney store was that Seventeen, 2015's Rookie of the Year, had reportedly come here yesterday. Apparently, Yijeong had spoken with one of the members, who claimed that all thirteen of their group had gotten a lightsaber. To say that Yijeong had been jealous would be an understatement.

Kyungil seemed reluctant to let go of him, but he seemed to content himself with hovering around Jaeho as the younger of the two joined Yijeong in looking at the merchandise. Sihyoung was busying himself with plushies of Disney characters, which Jaeho found to be rather funny. Sihyoung, the tallest member of the group at nearly six feet, their main rapper, smiling like an ***** over a Mickey Mouse toy. He saw Kyungil discreetly take a video of it.

Yijeong was just picking out the lightsaber that he wanted when everything fell apart.

Well, ok, maybe that was an exageration. Jaeho had certainly faced much worse, especially in the couple months following the leaking of his relationship with Kyungil. He was mostly just taken aback by the fact that this was happening in America, in a country that he thought he would be safe in. But of course there would be Korean fans who followed their favorite groups to New York. Of course, it was just his luck that he would run into the one group of people who knew who he was and hated him for it.

Kyungil noticed the girls before he did. How could he not have, when one of them reached out to him and almost caught his arm? The leader moved away, a frown already forming on his features as he grabbed Jaeho's arm and pulled him close, already anticipating what was to come. Many fans of HISTORY had come to accept that this relationship was real and it wasn't going to go away, many fans had decided to ignore it, viewed it as just more fanservice. There were, however, several fans who still insisted on attacking both Jaeho and Kyungil, on social media and occassionally in person. They always ended up targetting Jaeho more, because the larger portion of their fans (female, especially) were biased towards Kyungil.

They spoke in Korean and Jaeho could at least be grateful for that. If they had spoken in English, Xzavier would understand and what would Xzavier think, if he could understand the insults being thrown his way? Jaeho gripped Kyungil's arm, letting the elder lead him away from the girls. By this point, Dokyun and Sihyoung had taken notice and were moving in, a concerned look playing over Dokyun's features whereas Sihyoung just looked angry and #done.

The girls didn't relent. The one from before tried once again to get to Kyungil and Jaeho grit his teeth. To the casual observer, nothing too terrible seemed to be happening. Just fans being overly excited to see their idols. Nothing too out of the ordinary. That was until one of the girls said something to Kyungil that made Jaeho snap.

"You know, it's a shame that you're gay, oppa. With a handsome face like that, who would have thought?"

"Yeah, it's a real shame. But it's not too late...wanna come home with us, oppa? We can show you a good time."

Kyungil's face was a mask, but his eyes smoldered. Jaeho shoved himself between his boyfriend and these girls, not bothering to conceal his anger. Kyungil's grip tightened on his arm in warning and Sihyoung made a move to hold him back as he snarled, "Have you no decency?"

And one of the girls slapped him. She actually slapped him. Said something about being his noona, though he didn't understand why that even mattered.

Kyungil pulled him back forcefully, tightening his hold. Dokyun was immediately on top of him and Sihyoung...Jaeho couldn't see what Sihyoung was doing but he heard Yijeong's voice ("Hey! What just happened?"). All he could do was wonder why they had agreed to come to this store. Because of Yijeong. That brat.

Jaeho was pulled from his boyfriend and he squeaked, for a moment worried that it was a friend of the girl. But the hands that caught him belonged to Xzavier and when Xzavier tilted his head upwards, presumably to examine the redness that certainly marred his cheek by now, he saw..fury. And it scared him, it scared him how angry Xzavier looked.

He watched as Xzavier pointed at the girl, as he yelled at her to leave. She may not have been able to understand the words, but she was quick to leave. And judging from Sihyoung's incredulous look, Jaeho knew that for something as powerful as this, there was no need to understand the language to understand the meaning.

"Xzavier...?" Jaeho's voice was quiet, thin, his hand coming up to rest on Xzavier's arm. "Are you ok?" Maybe it should be Xzavier asking him that, not the other way around, but seeing his old friend so angry was...it was a first. He'd never seen Xzavier like this before and he wondered if this kind of rage was commonplace for the other these days. He hoped not.

"I'm ok. I'm ok now." Was that what Xzavier wanted to hear? Would that calm him down, to know that he did his job? "Thank you for...you know. Stepping in." He glanced over his shoulder to see if his bandmates were still around and he instantly regretted doing so. Kyungil looked like he could kill a man and the scathing look on his face sent shivers down Jaeho's spine. It didn't take a genius to figure out what had caused this anger.

His hand immediately fell back to his side, keeping his distance. No need to make Kyungil even more...murder-y than he already was. "Thanks...again." He smiled. He could feel a bruise threatening to form on his cheek. I still have to perform tomorrow. The make-up noonas and hyungs were talented, though, and he trusted them.

He felt a body press against him from behind and he leaned back automatically, not surprised to find that Kyungil had decided to make his way over, not surprised when arms came around to hug his waist, squeezing a little too tightly.

"Kamsam..." Kyungil was being informal, but Jaeho was happy that he could put his own feelings aside for a moment and say 'thank you.' Even if Xzavier didn't understand, Jaeho did, and he was grateful to his boyfriend for being mature for once. Even if Kyungil was looking at Xzavier as if he was ready to strangle him.

"Should we go, then? Yijeong has his lightsaber, I don't want to stay any longer." Kyungil nodded and Jaeho beamed.

The manager had given Jaeho a solid, twenty minute lecture about how to deal with aggravating fans. If he hadn't said anything, the fan wouldn't have hit him and there wouldn't be a nice bruise flowering on his cheek. if he hadn't said anything, the make-up artists wouldn't have to spend an extra half an hour on fixing up his face before the concert.

So he apologized, said that he wouldn't do it again, and wandered back to the hotel room that he shared with Kyungil. They were back relatively early tonight. They didn't have to perform and Dokyun had insisted that everyone take the chance to get a good eight hours of sleep for once in their lives. Xzavier wasn't posted at the elevator like he had been the night before, so there was nothing keeping Jaeho awake as he slid under the covers and felt Kyungil's arms wrap around him protectively. Kyungil was still mad, Jaeho could feel it, but they were both too tired to deal with it tonight.

--

Yijeong had run off again, presumably backstage to watch the other groups perform. Dokyun had offered to go watch the maknae and not long after the two left, Sihyoung disappeared as well. No one ever really knew where Sihyoung went off to, but he was good at keeping to his schedules, so the other memebrs didn't bother him much about it.

Wardrobe was finished for the night and the staff had gone off to take a well-deserved break. Their outfits were simple tonight: a black t-shirt tucked into black pants, a nice black blazer, and black shoes. Everything was black. Jaeho liked the color black. It's been two years since they've had a comeback with colors other than the minimalistic shades of black, white, and grey.

As the make-up artists finished up on covering Jaeho's bruise, they excused themselves to get something to eat and then Jaeho and Kyungil were left alone in the dressing room. For about ten minutes, neither of them said much. Jaeho curled into Kyungil's side on the couch and they kind of just scrolled through their SNS. Then Kyungil suggested that they move to the waiting room, where they would meet up with the others before it came time to get on stage. Jaeho agreed.

Kyungil hadn't brought up what happened yesterday yet and honestly, Jaeho hoped that he never would. He hoped that they could put it behind them. Not because he didn't want to talk about the violent fan as much as he didn't want to talk about Xzavier's interference.

As they were walking along to the waiting room, Jaeho caught sight of Xzavier, walking around to the other security personel. Xzavier was in charge of them. Jaeho was proud of him.

He must have looked at his friend for a little too long, though, because the next thing he knew, Kyungil had caught him by the back of his neck and practically threw him into the waiting room. He heard the door close behind him a little too loudly and when he turned to face his boyfriend, he instantly regretted everything. The manager's scolding about the fan did little to make Jaeho rethink his actions, but one look at Kyungil's seething face made him wish that he didn't have such a big mouth.

"Jagi..." He'd seen this side of Kyungil only two times in the past and both times, he'd been scared out of his mind. This particular side of his boyfriend could also be seen, leaked into small actions in day to day life, like when Kyungil ghosts his fingers over Jaeho's jugular during dance practice or when he pinches Jaeho's thigh under the dinner table as a silent reminder not to step out of line. Jaeho didn't mind those small moments of assertion, but Kyungil losing control over himself was probably one of the most frightening things Jaeho had ever experienced. "Kyungil? Hyung?" The elder didn't respond, only backing Jaeho further into the room, backing him into the wall.

"We're in public, Kyungil. Please, jagi, calm down..."

Kyungil grabbed his hair, pushed his head back against the wall, and Jaeho wondered if this is how Yijeong feels every time Kyungil does this move in Psycho. "What is it with you and that guy? What's his name again?" Jaeho opened his mouth to answer, but Kyungil didn't let him. "I don't care. You said he was a former friend, right? Someone you hadn't talked to in years...and yet..." He smiled, but that only served to make Jaeho feel even more uneasy. "And yet...he takes such interest in you, it's uncanny. What's more is that you let him. You let him touch you and you even intiate contact. You have a boyfriend, jagiya." Somehow, the term sounded derogatory in Kyungil's mouth. "Is that not enough for you?"

Jaeho pushed at Kyungil's chest, but the other didn't move and he cursed himself for allowing Kyungil to work out so much while he lazed around in their dorms. "Hyung, it's not like that."

"Not like what? I'm not blind, Jaeho. I see the way he looks at you. You used to go out, didn't you? He still likes you. Do you like him back?" And Jaeho might have answered, if Kyungil's thumb didn't press against his bruised cheek, digging into the flesh there, making him squeak. His mind was reeling. He couldn't very well call for help, because then Kyungil would get in trouble and he didn't want that. What was the make-up noona going to say when she saw that the makeup on his cheek was smudged? How would he even explain it?

He couldn't even really blame Kyungil for his suspicions. He'd been out of line lately, he knew that. He'd let Xzavier get a little too close. An apology was on his lips but he said nothing because Kyungil would only take it as an agreement to his previous questions, and any answer at all would be damning in Kyungil's eyes at this point. What do I do? What do I do...we still have to perform...

Kyungil let go of Jaeho almost immediately after the door opened. Jaeho stumbled slightly, one hand coming up to touch his cheek. The make-up there would definitely have to be redone. And his hair. He didn't know what condition his hair was in right now, but he knew that he should at least comb through it once before getting on stage.

He was thankful for the intrusion, for someone doing what he couldn't and getting his boyfriend to come to his senses. But part of him wished that it had been anyone else because Xzavier was standing there looking as if he was ready to kill someone and Jaeho didn't want him or Kyungil dead. Not today. Not ever.

"Xzavier!" He forced a smile, moving so that Kyungil was behind him. "There's no problem. Really. Just...Kyungil likes playing games." He turned his head so that he could look up at his boyfriend, the smile persistent, but his dimples were missing. "Nothing you have to worry about, I promise."

Kyungil was watching Xzavier through narrowed eyes, Jaeho could feel unease and hate rolling off of the leader in waves. He didn't protest when Kyungil's arm snaked around him the way it had in the Disney store, because Xzavier wasn't supposed to know if his relationship with Kyungil wasn't all that it appeared to be. Xzavier wasn't supposed to know if Jaeho sometimes had second thoughts and on some nights he slept in the living room because either Kyungil didn't want him or Jaeho was sick of the other's company.

He needed Xzavier to go away. He needed Xzavier to not question what had been going on because Jaeho didn't want to be seen as the weaker of the two. Because what kind of man lets his significant other push him around like that? If any of the other members found out, if his manager or CEO found out...if the public found out about this...Jaeho would be ruined.

"I just need to get my makeup fixed up and then we should be meeting the others backstage. Right, jagi?" Kyungil wouldn't have been able to understand any of that, but he understood "jagi" and so he nodded. Jaeho removed himself from his boyfriend's grip, slowly and carefully as though a wrong move might cost him his life. He made to walk by Xzavier, go out the door, and Kyungil followed him closely, eyeing Xzavier warily. Jaeho looked up at his old friend, his eyes pleading, asking him not to say anything. Not yet, at least. There's nothing to say, anyway.

Kyungil walked out of the room before Jaeho did, likely wanting to get away from the toxic presence that was Xzavier. jaeho lingered for a moment, pausing at the threshold before turning back, his brow furrowed slighlty. "...uh...thanks for stepping in. Really. Just...please don't mention this to anyone else, ok?" There was a pause as Jaeho peeked out into the corridor. Kyungil was already halfway to the dressing room. "I, um...I hope you're working night shift tonight." And then he flitted out into the corridor, jogging a bit to catch up to his boyfriend.

The makeup noona scolded him lightheartedly for being clumsy and messing up the foundation covering his bruise, but she fixed it up for him quickly. He was just running a comb through his hair when Sihyoung knocked and then opened the door, peeking in, "Jaeho, Kyungil-hyung, it's time to go." Kyungil was almost immediately out the door, Jaeho trailing behind.

Jaeho felt very mechanical as he went through the motions of the choreo for Psycho. His heart wasn't in it. But he still beamed at the audience and he waved to the fans in the standing sections whenever he got a break in the dance, which wasn't very often. Out of all the songs they could have done, why did they decide on Psycho? The fans all loved it, sure, and Jaeho enjoyed it as well, but the choreo demanded moments of contact that Jaeho didn't feel particularly comfortable with after what had happened just minutes ago.

He should just be grateful that the person who lifts him off the ground at the beginning of the song is Sihyoung, not Kyungil. He should be grateful that Kyungil is supposed to grab and pull Yijeong's head back, not his.

But he wasn't prepared when Kyungil's arm snaked around his neck, when fingers applied just enough pressure to his windpipe for it to be uncomfortable, but not enough for him to not be able to finish his line. And he wasn't prepared for the amount of force Kyungil used when he pushed Jaeho away in the last part of their choreo. He adjusted quickly, hoped that the fans wouldn't catch his stumble.

That night, Jaeho let Kyungil shower first. His boyfriend was sitting on the bed, looking at his phone, when Jaeho exited the bathroom in a t-shirt and shorts. Kyungil was shirtless and, for whatever reason, that little detail was enough to make Jaeho's mind go ballistic. Not because Kyungil looked amazing (which he did), but because Jaeho was scared.

His voice was a little too high-pitched as he quickly explained that he was going to go see if Yijeong wanted any help with the lyrics he was writing for their next album. Kyungil seemed skeptical, but didn't make any move to stop the younger man as he slipped out the door.

He wasn't really planning on visiting Yijeong. The maknae didn't need help with lyrics. Not tonight, at least. But he did owe an old friend some...answers? Maybe not answers. Jaeho wasn't even ready to answer his own stupid questions. But he at least owed Xzavier a proper thank you, for being there in a moment of need, even if he'd had no idea what was going on before he opened the door. Kyungil could be downright insane when he lost control. Jaeho never wanted to have to deal with that alone, never again.

Xzavier was there, just as he was supposed to be and Jaeho breathed out a sigh of relief. If his old friend hadn't been there, he'd have no choice but to return to his room and he wasn't sure if he wanted to be in there while Kyungil was still awake. He couldn't go to the room Dokyun, Sihyoung, and Yijeong shared, because they would ask too many questions. And he can't let them know.

"Xzavier!" Without the constant presence of Kyungil, Jaeho allowed himself to relax around his old friend. He could smile if he wanted to, go in for a hug if he so desired, and there would be no possessive boyfriend pulling him back. "What's up?"

He wanted to fall back into familiar conversation. To go back to the days where the first thing he'd do when he saw Xzavier was run over and hug him, where he cracked stupid unoriginal jokes that Xzavier had the courtesy to laugh at. He wanted to it to be like they were best friends and they had never stopped being such. In the back of his mind, he must know that he couldn't wish for this and have it come true...but Jaeho wished for a lot of things. And all he could do was trust that some of them, at least, would come true.

He settled down next to where Xzavier was sitting, just as he had two nights ago, on HISTORY's second night in New York. The smile never left his features, but he seemed uneasy. He was glad that he had an excuse to be outside of his room, but at the same time, it wasn't as if he was eager to share details of his relationship, which Xzavier would no doubt ask about. Jaeho had been too quick to claim that everything was alright. It wasn't realistic, what he had done. Xzavier had obviously seen at least part of what was going on and then Jaeho went and tried to negate all of that with just...words. Xzavier had never been one to be appeased by words alone.

"Did you eat yet?" It was such a common question to ask when meeting up with friends in Korea. Or anywhere in Asia, really. Because food was just such a big part of the culture there. It felt only natural that he should ask Xzavier the same question, especially since on the first night of concerts, the guy clearly hadn't been taking care of his nutritional needs.

That was one thing Jaeho was both grateful and resentful about. Ever since he became a trainee, his diet had been decided on by his company. That meant that he didn't have to worry about where he would be getting food every day or what he would be eating, saving him valuable time, but it also meant that they gave him was what he got, and nothing more. It didn't hurt Jaeho as much as it had hurt Dokyun and Kyungil, who were both taller, who both had more muscle mass (Sihyoung was also taller, but that jerk never gained a pound of weight no matter how much he ate). Dokyun adjusted, but only after two weeks of being bedridden, having fallen ill because his body wasn't used to the strict conditions. Kyungil...Jaeho had watched Kyungil's condition deteriorate so rapidly it scared him. But Kyungil was never one to ask for help. The helplessness that Jaeho had felt for the elder back then, even though they were only friends, had been even more unbearable than the dietary restrictions.

Xzavier made no move to ask any questions and Jaeho found himself able to relax because of it. He hadn't even realized how tense his muscles were until his shoulders sagged by their own volition. "Yeah, maybe we can go sometime after we start filming that HISTORY IN N.Y.C. thing we have to do." He shrugged, adjusting his position so that he was leaning back against the wall by the elevator, legs stretched out in front of him. "If we happen to pass by your apartment during shooting or something, stop me and we can get something."

All thoughts of Kyungil dissipated. Jaeho wasn't exactly aware of it, but being around Xzavier made him feel...safer. If asked about it, he wouldn't be able to say anything, but his subconscious mind understood and that understanding was what allowed Jaeho to slump against the wall, a lazy smile gracing his lips. He hadn't felt like this in a long tme. It's been a month since HISTORY's had a free day and this serenity was so welcoming Jaeho wished he could stay in this state of being forever.

"You know...what are the odds? That you're here? That you were assigned to us when there are seven other K-Pop solo artists and groups in the city who all had to hire security?" Jaeho looked over at Xzavier, head rolled to the side and chin tipped upwards. "It's fate." His smile grew wide, then, and he produced a sound that sounded almost like a giggle. He believed it, too, that it was fate that had brought Xzavier and him back together after all this time. Back together as friends, of course, because he would never dream of cheating on Kyungil.

Kyungil.

Kyungil was still mad at him. What kind of boyfriend was he, sitting out here with another guy while his lover was alone in their room? What kind of boyfriend was he, that he'd left Kyungil alone and...and he hadn't even apologized properly yet. Well, he'd apologized, but Kyungil had more or less ignored him every time he'd tried. I should have tried again. Before I left.

As if on cue, Jaeho's phone vibrated and he looked down at the screen to find Jagi ❤ displayed on the screen. Under that, the words "Where are you? Yijeong said you're not with him." Jaeho bit his lip, the smile having disappeared in an instant. He should go back. But he didn't want to. He really didn't want to. He felt so relaxed and...and happy and carefree, sitting out here...he didn't want to go back. And anger doesn't translate well through text, but Jaeho could imagine Kyungil's expression as he typed this out and it wasn't exactly pretty. A second passed before a second message came through: "Come back. Now."

"..." Jaeho put his phone face down on the ground, flicking the switch on its side to put it on silent. His brow furrowed. He felt the overwhelming, irrational urge to say something, anything, to break the silence that was now too loud to his ears. But he could think of nothing to say.

Before he could stop himself, Jaeho's mouth opened and the words, "Kyungil wants me to go back. I don't want to go." And instantly, he hated himself for the way he phrased that. He sounded like a petulant child. Like a kid who was complaining with his mother because it as bedtime and he didn't want to sleep just yet. "I mean...I..." But he couldn't think of a better way to say it.

When Xzavier slid out of his chair to join Jaeho on the ground, Jaeho drew his legs closer to him to allow his friend to sit as close as possible. He didn't try for physical contact, but he managed a small smile when the other offered to make an excuse for him.

Shaking his head, Jaeho closed his eyes. "He wouldn't like that. Especially since it's you. He might actually prefer me not responding." No doubt Kyungil had already sent a couple more messages, but Jaeho didn't want to look. They wouldn't be nice, he knew, despite the sweet name he kept Kyungil's number under.

In the end, it was his own fault, really, that he was caught up in this trap. He was the one who had been weak and deprived of attention, who had been withdrawing on himself during a time when he should have been seeking out comfort in his fellow members. He was the one who allowed Kyungil to gather him up in his arms when he was sitting on the dance studio floor, on the verge of tears because he just couldn't do it right. At the time, Kyungil had seemed like an angel. An angel without wings. So, a person...

"What you saw today...I want you to know that he's not always like that. I don't want you to think he's a bad person, because he's not." He's really not. Kyungil loved him, despite everything. Jaeho knew that. He just knew. The leader was always watching out for him during dance practices and when they were recording, he always waited for Jaeho to finish before heading back to the dorms together. Maybe he never says "I love you", but neither does Jaeho, and that's ok. That doesn't mean anything. "He can be really sweet, sometimes."

"It's just that...I don't know...he has his moments." Jaeho blinked open his eyes, but he didn't try to meet Xzavier's gaze. He wasn't even sure why he was saying anything about Kyungil at all. It wasn't as if Xzavier had asked. But it feels good. To talk about it. It felt good and Jaeho didn't quite understand why. He's been in a relationship with Kyungil for over a year and never once had he voiced any of his thoughts on his boyfriend to anyone. Not his bandmates, not his friends, certainly not his manager or anyone who else who worked with him.

It's because it's Xzavier. And he always listens. He always listens. Jaeho was grateful for that.

There were a few beats of silence and Jaeho wondered if Xzavier was going to disagree with him. He wondered, briefly, if Xzavier was going to tell him that Kyungil really wasn't sweet and he wasn't a good person. And he would never admit it, but part of Jaeho almost wanted his friend to say those things.

But Xzavier asked to hear about some of these "better moments" and so Jaeho thought about them and he smiled. Because he sometimes forgets about these better moments in the wake of Kyungil acting out and he needs this.

"Well...for starters, he was always so nice to me when we were both trainees." Kyungil had been a real blessing in those days. "He was so much better than me at...everything. But he always made time for me. He was just...always there." Like some nights, Jaeho would lie awake, unable to fall asleep despite having been deprived of it, unable to sleep because his stomach craved food and he wouldn't be able to get more of it until the next morning, unable to sleep because his company threatens to revoke his contract if he doesn't show progress in the bi-weekly check-ups and he was getting checked tomorrow. And on those nights, he would curl up and close his eyes and try to ignore the despair that threatened to creep up on him. And on those nights, he would sometimes feel a warm body wrapping around him. He would sometimes feel warm breath on his neck and he would hear a quiet voice speak to him. He doesn't remember any of those words, but he remembers that it was Kyungil.

"And the choreo for Might Just Die. We worked so hard for that comeback. Yijeong fractured his wrist trying to do that one move and Dokyun twisted his back when we were trying to film it." He remembered Kyungil refusing to let him cook or do the dishes even when it was his turn to do so, insisting that he had to rest because his wrists had been hurting perpetually. Kyungil had been hurting, too. They had all been hurting. Yet, Kyungil willingly did Jaeho's chores on top of his own. "Kyungil and I, we were put on a diet. He needed more food than I did, just because of the amount of time he spent working out every day. So every day I would try to give him some of my own food, because I didn't want him...breaking. Every day he refused. Because he said he loved me."

Once the flood gates opened, there was no way to stop all these memories from spilling out of Jaeho's mouth. It was a long night that night. Jaeho didn't go to bed until well past four in the morning. But Kyungil was asleep when he returned to the room and after all that time spent remembering the good times, Jaeho had almost forgotten about his boyfriend's erratic behavior backstage. The last thing he saw that night was Kyungil's sleeping face, and Jaeho was happy.

In the days following the last day of KCON, HISTORY was moved out of the hotel and into a new set of dorms. Each of the five members were given a bunk and they had a shared living room, kitchen, and bathroom. Minimalistic, but they wouldn't be here long. Only for the duration of the filming.

Every day, they were given a mission of some sort to complete and they were always put into two teams: one team of two and one of three. At the end of the day, they would be judged on how well they completed their mission and the winners would get some type of reward.

It was easy, during this time, to fall back into the routine that the five of them had settled into over the past four years of living together. Yijeong, being the little brat that he is, continued doing that thing where he pretends to sleep while the other members are busy cleaning. Then when Sihyoung or Jaeho wonders: "Hyung, you wanna get something to eat?", that's when Yijeong stands up, feigning tiredness, and holds his stomach as he asks, "I'm hungry. Oh, hyungs...have you guys been cleaning?"

Every single time. Every single time.

They did V-App live streams, too. Every night. It was a fun opportunity to connect with fans all over the world, to share some stories about what they were doing and to hear back from the people whose love made them what they are. Jaeho loved doing these live streams.

Kyungil had been more or less stable as well. He'd gone back to surprise kisses and hugs and interrupting Jaeho's work to say something stupid like, "You're so cute when you're focused." And Jaeho could believe that this was how it would always be, how it was meant to be, and he could believe that Kyungil was supposed to be his life.

For the most part, he tried to put Xzavier out of his mind. When the other wasn't actively around, he almost forgot about him entirely. Because Kyungil may have been harsh, but he was right about Xzavier. Jaeho had a boyfriend, he had no business messing with someone who made his boyfriend uncomfortable, someone who used to have feelings for him, someone he could love if he wanted to. He had no business taking care of the other, especially as he was being paid to watch over the entire group.

So a couple days passed. Jaeho never went to that food cart that Xzavier mentioned. Kyungil never brought up the situation again. He wasn't even out of the States yet and he was already settling back into what was now his normal routine. He was...he thought he was happy.

Jaeho hadn't been paying much attention to Xzavier these past few days, had been trying to ignore him, in fact, but that didn't stop him from realizing when Xzavier was gone. Because on the fifth day of the show, Xzavier wasn't there. He saw other security personel, ones that always worked with Xzavier, but not the man himself. It was worrying, to say the least, but Jaeho didn't dare bring this up to Kyungil, or any other member for that matter.

It was only when the group had found a restaurant to have lunch in, when the cameramen disappeared and the members were given some private time (but told to film something, anything) that Jaeho was able to excuse himself and head off to inquire about his friend.

He approached the one security guard that he recognized aside from Xzavier, the one that had accompanied them to Times Square, the one that he always saw Xzavier speaking with.

"Hello." He smiled. Of course this guy was taller than him, too. Jaeho seemed to be the shortest wherever he went. "You know Xzavier, right? I was just wondering if he's supposed to be in today." Maybe he'd taken the day off, but that didn't seem quite right. Did bodyguards take days off on a job like this? Was he excused? Why?

Something about the situation didn't sit well with Jaeho, but he chose to ignore the feeling for now. For all he knew, it could just be that Xzavier came down with a cold or something...for all he knew, nothing was wrong. And he hoped that nothing was wrong. He hoped that he could get back to lunch in a minute knowing that Xzavier was ok and then he could spend the rest of the day fretting over the mission that he had yet to complete. Yijeong was working away at the track that they were supposed to have finished before morning. Unfortunately, both of them had fallen asleep before that could happen and now they were running late. Jaeho was working out the lyrics for the part of the track that they already had and Yijeong was finishing it. They had five hours, optimistically speaking.

He didn't need for something else to be weighing him down. Maybe I shouldn't be asking, then. But the not knowing was weighing him down as well. It's a lose-lose situation, really...

Jaeho frowned slightly. He shouldn't ask more. He really shouldn't. He should just be content with the reassurance that him and his group members would come to no harm even without the watchful eye of Xzavier, but even as he was about to thank the guard and step away, his mouth betrayed him.

"Incapacitated? What do you mean?" Incapacitated could mean a lot of things. It could just mean that Xzavier's sick, right? But if he was just sick, why wouldn't they just tell me that? Was there some sort of code amongst the security guards? Security guards don't get sick, they get incapacitated.

If only that was it. Jaeho hoped that that was all there was to it.

But the more likely option seemed to be the one that Jaeho didn't want to hear. The one that he hoped was not true. Because if "incapacitated" meant what he thought it meant...then Xzavier was in trouble and he hated himelf for not paying enough attention to the other over the past couple days because what if Xzavier was dying and Jaeho had just missed his last chance to make things right, simply because he's been too occupied by fearing the consequences of letting them get close again? Simply because he's too much of a coward to stand up to his own boyfriend and tell him that there's nothing to be jealous about because Xzavier is nothing more than just a friend?

Oh my god...

He almost wanted to back up and run.

But he couldn't. Now that the question had left his mouth, he couldn't.