〈« ᴅᴏɴ·ᴛ ᴡᴀɴɴᴀ ʙᴇ ᴏᴠᴇʀ ʏᴏᴜ »〉 : ᴊ ﹠ x

Yes pls heh
I start

--


Jaeho leaned back against his seat, head turned slightly to peer out the window at the wing of the plane. This wasn't his first time on a plane and, unlike his bandmates, this wouldn't be his first time in America. It would, however, be his first time going to America with the boys who he had come to love as family, his first time having a stage in America to perform on. He was nervous, he was excited, he was...well, he was a lot of things and not all of them could be explained through words.

To his right sat Kyungil, his leader and boyfriend. He looked so peaceful in sleep, but Jaeho was well aware of the temper that lay behind his normally brooding, but calm demeanor. In their music video for Psycho, the fans all got a taste of Kyungil's dominant side, which had always been there...and fans had assumed that it was there, but Psycho was hard proof of it.

Jaeho didn't know whether to be jealous or relieved that Yijeong had been the one getting his hair pulled.

Not that Jaeho had any complaints against Kyungil. At the end of the day, HISTORY needed him and so did Jaeho. Sometimes, it just got to be a bit much.


The first thing they did after landing at JFK was go to the hotel. There was a crowd of fans waiting for them as they left baggage claim, but they were generally nice and did little more than snap pictures and yell their names. One got a little too close to Kyungil for comfort, but their manager dealt with her quickly enough.

They had two hotel rooms. Of course they put Jaeho with Kyungil, the other three taking a separate room. Not that Jaeho would complain about that; Kyungil certainly wouldn't.


"Well, guys," Dokyun raised his glass of champagne and so did everyone else, though Yijeong's glass was filled with apple juice, a consequence of him being only 20. "Our first time in America and we'll be performing on the same stage as some of the biggest names in K-Pop. I think that's worthy of celebration."

Before their glasses clinked together, Kyungil added: "May we stick together and continue growing for many years to come."

The rest of the evening was spent in celebration with their manager, back up dancers, stylists, anyone who had accompanied them to America and made this a possibility. Jaeho spent his time flitting between people, sipping his drink, avoiding Kyungil as best he could. Until he realized he couldn't.

It was when he saw Kyungil's eyes lock on him, saw the leader abandon the current conversation to come his way, that Jaeho drained his glass and made some excuse to leave.

Kyungil was the one person he didn't have any desire to talk to tonight.

And that's how Jaeho found himself outside the private room his manager had booked for the night, how he found himself at the bar with a martini in his hands, waving away the girls and guys who tried to hit on him and ignoring the bartender who asked passively if he was famous.

Jaeho was trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, wondering if he could afford to buy another drink, when he noticed the door to HISTORY's private room open. There was a moment where he felt his heart rate pick up, anticipating a certain someone even though he knew that Kyungil would be incapacitated after knocking back two or three drinks (despite his intimidating build, the guy did not take his alcohol well), but it was just one of the PDs they have working with them in America, someone to help coordinate the efforts that they made and breach the distance between Korean and English.

He watched as the PD made his way past the bar, thankfully too busy to take note of Jaeho, and approach the entrance. It came as a surprise to Jaeho that someone was indeed there, leaning against the door frame, looking a thousand times more relaxed than Jaeho felt but then again...practically everyone in this establishment was relaxed and having fun.

Jaeho frowned slightly. He didn't recall anyone being missing from the party. Probably some new hire, just for when we're in the States. HIring a native to act as a bodyguard or something wasn't uncommon and this guy certainly looked buff enough to be one.

It took him a few moments, but Jaeho was very confused when he realized that this person didn't seem to be a complete stranger. In fact, he looked kind of familiar. The frown deepened on Jaeho's face, forcing his eyebrows together. Something knocked in the back of his skull. He should definitely know this person, but how was that possible? How could he know someone who was just hired?

You lived here for like thirteen years, you stupid. Probably someone he knew from childhood, then? But Jaeho didn't remember very many people from elementary and middle school. Sure, he remembered that girl he liked way back when, but that was in first grade and to be quite honest, he wasn't even sure if he'd liked her at all.

There was someone who he was forgetting about, though. His instincts told him that it was someone very important. And that someone was standing at the entrance and that someone was speaking with the PD they had hired and that someone was going to be joining Kyungil and Dokyun and baby maknae Yijeong in the private room in just a minute and Jaeho knew who this was.

In later years, Jaeho might find it funny and ironic that he only realized who the person was after knocking back a martini in one gulp.

Xzavier.

And then he cursed himself for his good memory, cursed himself for not forgetting, cursed the universe for making it so that this guy was being led to the room that Dokyun was just exiting.

When Dokyun reached him and started tugging him back to the room, Jaeho couldn't help but whine and groan and mutter some obscenities that had his hyung slapping him over the head for "being insufferable."

Jaeho practically clung to Dokyun once they got back to the room, partially because Kyungil was still here somewhere, but mostly because a new threat had just been added to his surroundings. Ok, maybe Xzavier wasn't exactly a threat, but to Jaeho, he might as well be an assassin. Even in his altered state, Jaeho could recognize that he hadn't exactly been kind to Xzavier, especially not in these past years. Especially not when news of his relationship with Kyungil had leaked.

That information was supposed to be kept secret. Forever. Jaeho had never wanted the public to know because Korea could be downright vicious about these things and the fans...even before Kyungil asked him out, Jaeho knew that none of the fans would have anticipated this and many would not accept it, despite the amount of fanservice HISTORY did during their performances.

But Kyungil had never been very good at keeping secrets, had never been very happy about keeping secret what was his. And so the press found out. Within hours, the whole world knew and Jaeho had felt, at the time, that his life was over.

He had remembered for a moment back then that his best friend as a child, Xzavier, had once confessed to him. He had remembered and he had wondered if Xzavier would see this news, if he even knew what Jaeho was up to. He had felt guilty, but he had done nothing about it. At the time, he had been too focused on the idea that his career might be over because of this, that Kyungil might have just ruined him.

Things were ok now. It had been rough for a couple months, but HISTORY had laid low for a year before coming back with a new single and mini-album. It had done well and the company felt that it was ok to start doing promotions again. When they had been offered the chance to perform at KCON, who could have said no?

Well, at this moment in time, Jaeho pretty much wished that they had said no.

He wondered if Xzavier recognized him.

Dokyun dropped Jaeho off with Yijeong so that he could go talk to that make-up artist he fancied. Jaeho fought the urge to roll his eyes. His hyung was a great singer and a great performer, but he wasn't exactly good at flirting. Not when he was sober and certainly not now.

It took a few moments before Jaeho realized that Yijeong wasn't the only person standing next to him. His mind thought that it would be a good time to point out that, of all the couples HISTORY could have produced, the one that the fans had always thought would happen was Kyungjeong. And both members of that ship happened to be standing in front of him except! Except...Kyungjeong couldn't happen anymore because Kyungil was his.

How much had Kyungil drank? Jaeho couldn't tell. Two glasses of champagne? Was he on his third? That was strange...Kyungil seemed to be clear-minded. His dark eyes were sharp as ever, boring into Jaeho's skull. He reached up, touched Jaeho's cheek, and Jaeho recoiled. He hadn't realized how hot his skin felt until Kyungil touched him. He stumbled as he took a step back, flailed a bit as he tried to regain his balance and ran into something solid.

The wall?

Jaeho looked behind him. It wasn't the wall.

But god, did he wish it was.

"...Xzavier?"

Great. First time seeing Xzavier in years and Jaeho manages to mess it up. If the guy's grip on his arms was anything to go by, Jaeho could assume that his old friend recognized him. He didn't know whether or not that was a good thing.

"Hey..." What was one supposed to say in this kind of situation? It wasn't as if "how to talk to your estranged friend who used to like you and who you left years ago to become famous" was a popular Google search. Or was it? He'd never exactly tried typing it in. "It's you."

Jaeho's voice sounded weak even to his ears. Strained, thin, as though he'd just blown out his vocal chords. Kyungil was looking at him, but Kyungil couldn't understand English. "...long time no see?" He pulled away, removing himself of any contact with Xzavier, turning so that he was facing the other. He could feel his boyfriend's eyes boring into his back, but he could deal with that some other time and he was sure that Yijeong would be able to keep their leader occupied for a while, keep him from making a scene.

It felt surreal, to be standing face to face with his childhood friend, his best friend when he was younger. Xzavier had changed. He had gained muscle mass, got some tattoos that Jaeho wasn't able to make sense of. Things had changed. Jaeho wanted to ask so many questions. How was his family? Was he in school? How did he end up here? Was he aware that Jaeho would be here?

Guilt kept his mouth shut. And unease about Kyungil being in the same room made him bite his tongue. Who was Xzavier to him? Kyungil would ask. And Jaeho wasn't quite sure if he had an answer. Because he quite liked Xzavier. He'd turned down the other boy's advances back in middle school, but really, could anyone blame him for not knowing himself well enough to understand what his feelings towards the other boy were?

The answer was yes. Yes, people could blame him. The person standing in front of him probably blamed him.

"So...you're one of our bodyguards, huh?" It was a stupid question to ask, but it stood in place of all the serious ones Jaeho could come up with. Of all the things he could have asked, Jaeho supposed that this was the least personal. The most appropriate.

Jaeho remembered the first time he had felt trapped. In one of the scenes for their Psycho MV, Yijeong pins him against the wall. Now, the maknae would never hurt him, but his breath had still caught in his throat and later that night when Kyungil replicated the action, Jaeho had felt a certain helplessness come over him and he was sure that he had forgotten how to breathe.

That's how he felt right now. He felt so trapped. Thankfully, he still knew how to breathe but that didn't mean much when he was choking on unspoken words. Xzavier's words were plain and simple, but the way he had said "home" made Jaeho want to curl in on himself and disappear. This wasn't right. This wasn't how they were supposed to be.

Once upon a time, home didn't mean Korea. Home didn't mean the dorms that Jaeho shared with his bandmates, the dorms that their company paid for because they weren't wealthy enough to get a place of their own. Once upon a time, home had meant that little apartment Jaeho shared with his mother and home had meant Xzavier.

Of course things were different now. Had he ever expected them to stay the same?

It hurt Jaeho that Xzavier seemed so flippant about the situation. He was here for the money. That was it. Jaeho could hardly blame him. His company paid well for its groups to be kept safe and, put in the same shoes, Jaeho would have accepted the job without a second thought.

"Right." His voice was quiet, resigned. They weren't exactly friends anymore. Jaeho had made sure of that when he started forgetting that Xzavier existed, when he stopped checking in on his friend and his situation. He had no room to complain here. "Well...I, uh, I look forward to working with you." There was so much more that Jaeho wanted to say, so much that he wanted to ask and to know, but his throat constricted whenever he tried to get the words out.

It didn't matter, anyway. They were staying for only two weeks. These two days they had free, then KCON would happen and after that, they had a reality show to shoot. That wasn't nearly enough time to make things right again. But step one was recognizing what he wanted, right?

Because the hand that came down on his shoulder and pulled him back, turned him around so that a heavy arm could rest across his shoulders and guide him towards the refreshments, that's not what he wanted. Not anymore. And yet, when Kyungil leaned in for a quick kiss, Jaeho didn't object.

Kyungil woke the next morning with a terrible hangover. It wasn't unusual and Jaeho was quite fond of his boyfriend in these moments. He felt that he loved Kyungil the most when the leader needed him and didn't object to Jaeho taking care of him. These moments were sweet, despite the fact that Jaeho could smell alcohol on Kyungil's breath and he hated it when Kyungil drank.

Jaeho's own hangovers were never quite as bad. Most of the time, his hangovers were nonexistent. He just praised whatever gods were looking over him that HISTORY's practice that day didn't start until 3PM. Even then, Jaeho and the others just barely managed to drag their leader to the venue on time.

--

"Say hi, hyung!" Yijeong brought the camera around to each of the members, smiling all the while. Jaeho was getting his hair done and was thus unable to turn his head much, but he managed a dimpled smile as he said hi. The maknae, appeased, moved onto Sihyoung, their token rapper-with-a-deep-voice, who was merely looked up through hooded eyes and gave a small wave before returning his attention to his phone.

HISTORY was the first act of the night, mostly because they would be coming back before the finale to do a special stage. But this also meant that they've been backstage since noon and after getting all dressed up in suits for the red carpet, they had to go through a whirlwind of wardrobe and hair stylists and makeup artists, all rushing around frantically to get the five members ready to get on stage within the hour.

Security personnel were situated all around backstage, though none of them entered the chaos that was HISTORY's dressing room.

Going along with the aesthetic of their newest comeback, Queen, the boys all had scruffy dark hair and were dressed predominantly in black. Jaeho hated how good Kyungil looked in that leather jacket, with his hair pushed up slightly by a black headband, eyes lined in black eyeliner. Jaeho himself was put into a black jacket with the collar of his white dress shirt peeking out. They gave him black pants and he was glad that they effortlessly allowed him the flexibility he was going to need for the choreo.

Looking into the mirror after his makeup artist was finished, Jaeho saw that they had done his eyeliner much in the same way they did Kyungil's. As a final touch, one of the clothing stylists dropped a black fedora in his lap.

"Hyung!" There was only one person here who would call him hyung. He was the second youngest in the group, though he was only younger than Sihyoung by a couple months as they had been born in the same year. He didn't have to refer to the other rapper as 'hyung', but he normally did so anyway. "Hyunggg, you wanna go see if Mamamoo are in their waiting room? I really want to meet them and Sihyoung-hyung's no fun."

Jaeho frowned slightly. They had at most ten minutes before they were due on stage, it would be irresponsible to leave now. But Yijeong pouted and puffed out his cheeks and Jaeho let out a loud sigh as he stood from his seat, setting the fedora on his chair before gesturing for the maknae to lead the way.

Happy now that someone had agreed to go with him, Yijeong practically sprinted out the door. Jaeho spared a moment to glance over at Kyungil, whose eyes were already studying him closely. When the elder male nodded and made a motion for Jaeho to go on, he ducked out the door after the maknae.

They were just outside Mamamoo's waiting room and Yijeong was asking the security posted there if he could meet his noonas when Jaeho made the mistake of surveying the area because, as luck would have it, the first person he laid his eyes on was none other than Xzavier.

His old friend didn't look to be in the best condition. Tiredness was weighing down his relatively large frame and all Jaeho wanted to do was walk over and hug him, like he would have done when they were younger. But he couldn't do that. He didn't have the right.

Instead, he just stared. Even when Yijeong called out to him, saying "Jaeho-hyung! Come on!", all Jaeho could do was watch Xzavier with some unexplainable emotion in his eyes.

Kyungil had asked him who Xzavier was that first night, after they got back to the hotel. Jaeho had said that he knew him from childhood, a close friend. Kyungil hadn't liked Xzavier, said something about how they should have hired someone else. Jaeho didn't know if he agreed.

Xzavier barely acknowledged his presence, but Jaeho couldn't take that to heart. He may not have been a good friend these past few years, but he'd known Xzavier for long enough that he still understood what the guy wanted or needed based on his actions. Xzavier looked so worn right now it almost made Jaeho's heart hurt, and he knew that it wasn't just tiredness. There was something else weighing on him, maybe multiple somethings.

Jaeho had no right to say anything, to ask anything even remotely personal, but he still wanted to take care of his old friend. And he would. Yijeong had disappeared into Mamamoo's waiting room and Jaeho had about three minutes at this point to get the younger out of there, deliver them both backstage, and put in an order for Xzavier. I also need that fedora.

First things first. Jaeho brushed past the security guard posted in front of the Mamamoo waiting room and opened the door to peek inside. He dipped his head respectfully to the girls seated inside. While Yijeong was younger than three of them, Jaeho was just about the same age as the eldest. That didn't matter, though, because there were only two minutes left when Yijeong finally stood and flitted out of the room.

Jaeho sent the maknae backstage, told him to meet up with the other members and explain to them that he was on his way. He ducked into the dressing room, plucking that black fedora off the seat and, just as he was about to leave, the boy hesitated and waved over the one makeup artist that was still in the room.

"Hey, noona? Could you do me a favor, please?"

--

Kyungil was glaring daggers at him when Jaeho finally got backstage, just in the nick of time. His breathing was shallow, but as the platform rose, he managed to calm his beating heart. If his breathing was ragged at the start of a performance, there was little chance of him making it through without dying, especially since they would be singing live.

He could only hope, as the screaming fans made themselves known, that the noona he had spoken to would be kind enough to pass on the word. He hoped that they would be able to get Xzavier some food, allow him some rest, because Jaeho didn't want Xzavier hurting. He had wronged the other so many times in the past, this was one thing he could do to start making things right.

After their first song, which, of course, was Queen, the members all lined up to introduce themselves. Kyungil went first, as per usual. Then Dokyun, Jaeho, Sihyoung, and their cutesy maknae. The fans screamed. Jaeho smiled. During his trainee years, he had dreamed of these moments. He had dreamed of being onstage and singing and performing. It was only after his debut that he realized how important the fans were in all of this. How, without them, he would be nothing.

He glanced at Kyungil as the leader introduced their next song. And if I didn't have him? Would I be nothing?

The performance went by quickly. Jaeho reveled in every moment of it and the second they were back in their dressing room, Yijeong let out a yell and went flailing around the room. Dokyun chided the youngest quietly. "We still have to do the special stage, don't wear yourself out."

And the stylists came in again to help them change into new outfits and cool down. Jaeho attached himself to a stylist, watching his boyfriend out of the corner of his eye. Kyungil wanted to say something to him, probably about him being so late getting backstage, but Jaeho didn't really want to deal with that right now and he knew that Kyungil, no matter how showy he was, wouldn't dare create a scene in front of all these people.

He wondered, though, if it would be a great idea to go check on Xzavier. He wondered if Kyungil would even let him out of sight for the rest of the night because of what had happened earlier. Well, I hope Xzavier's doing ok, at least.

"Come on, Jaeho! BtoB are on their last song we have to get going." Despite being only a few months older than him, Sihyoung had somehow landed the 'dad' role in the group. Maybe it was his ability to make nearly anything sound like a threat, or maybe it was just that he was the one who always yelled at Yijeong for shirking his duties. Either way, Sihyoung was now trapped in this role and Mama Dokyun wasn't going to let him out anytime soon. Besides, Jaeho was certain that the rapper, despite his complaints, secretly enjoyed the label.

Dokyun led the way out of the dressing room and Sihyoung followed. Yijeong practically clung to Sihyoung, spewing a series of questions that Jaeho had no interest in eavesdropping on. Kyungil took up the rear, perhaps to make sure that Jaeho didn't wander off.

Everyone in the group had been put into a suit. It was kind of suffocating, in Jaeho's opinion, but it wasn't as if he hadn't performed in these conditions before. As they exited the dressing room, Jaeho saw that Xzavier had moved to stand by the door. He smiled slightly when he recognized what remained of a pack of crackers in the other's hands. The noona had done what he'd asked, he must remember to thank her later.

There was slight pressure at the small of his back, a quiet reminder from Kyungil to keep moving, and so Jaeho said nothing, only felt a slightly warmth in his chest from the knowledge that Xzavier had accepted his help.

The special stage consisted of three songs: TVXQ's Mirotic (which took the group way too long to master), Super Junior's Sorry Sorry (because how could they not), and just for fun, they included SHINee's Married to the Music. It was fun. It was so much fun. Jaeho couldn't stop smiling as they returned backstage and one look at his fellow band mates told him that they were equally pleased with the performance.

Ailee was the last performance of the night and Yijeong couldn't resist the urge to watch her from backstage. They would be going back on with everyone else for the finale, so Jaeho agreed to go with. This time, when he left the dressing room (still in that suffocating suit), there was no overly-protective boyfriend prodding him in the back and Jaeho was free to pause for a moment as he passed Xzavier.

Xzavier had grown taller since they last saw each other. Then again, the last time he saw Xzavier in person was 8th grade. Jaeho had to look up to meet his eyes, but it wasn't as if he wasn't already used to doing that with Kyungil and Sihyoung and even Dokyun.

"Hey." He wasn't quite sure what to say. So he smiled. "How you holdin' up?"

For a moment, Jaeho could almost believe that things were right between them again. He could almost believe that he was back to being thirteen years old and Xzavier was his best friend, that one person in the world aside from his mother who he couldn't imagine living without.

But then Xzavier's tone changed and Jaeho's smile wavered. Of course. Xzavier was here to work and so was Jaeho. It wasn't his job to take care of the security personnel, that was just silly.

"Don't worry about me." Jaeho managed a light chuckle, shrugging his shoulders. "Dokyun babies me enough as it is." He didn't think that Xzavier's response should bother him. Quite the contrary, he should have expected that kind of reaction. Xzavier might accept his help, but it wasn't as if the guy was going to become Jaeho's best friend again from so small an action. That was unreasonable.

He shuffled his feet awkwardly, the smile having disappeared from his face; it became too heavy to keep up. "...but you're right. I'm sorry. I suppose if you wanted food, you could have gotten it yourself." This wasn't middle school anymore. It wasn't his job to take care of Xzavier. He had to remember that. I have a boyfriend. I should have thought of giving him food first.

Yijeong was long gone at this point and Jaeho wondered if the maknae had even noticed that he'd left his hyung behind. Likely not. He loved the little brat but Yijeong was the definition of tactless, a grade A example of "Evil Maknae."

Just then, the dressing room door opened again and Dokyun came rushing out, only to stop dead in his tracks when he spotted Jaeho. The elder member frowned and shook his head, "Kim Jaeho, what are you doing!? And where's Yijeong? The other groups are gathering backstage already, oh my god, I don't want us to be perpetually late." Before Jaeho could utter a word in response, Dokyun had turned back to open the door again and was yelling for Sihyoung to "Hurry up and get Kyungil out here right now!"

Jaeho moistened his upper lip and offered Xzavier an apologetic smile. "I have to get going...I'll see you after? Right?" There was no time for him to wait for an answer so he could only assume that Xzavier would have said yes. Sihyoung had practically stormed out of the dressing room with Kyungil in tow, somehow sweeping up Jaeho along the way.

Two weeks. Jaeho had two weeks to make things right and that wasn't nearly enough time...but he would try. Lord knew he had to try.

Yijeong had fallen asleep right away on the ride home and from the backseat, Jaeho could see the younger's head resting on Sihyoung's shoulder. The other members were all well aware of how much Sihyoung hated it when people fell asleep on him, because his body would get numb, but no one had the heart to tell Yijeong that and despite how harsh the elder rapper could be, he never said anything.

Jaeho was pressed up against Kyungil the entire ride back and while he didn't mind, he also hoped that his boyfriend was tired because, to put it simply, Jaeho wasn't sure he really wanted to do anything tonight.



Kyungil took his shower first. When Jaeho stepped out of the bathroom, hair still damp, the leader was already asleep. He stood there for a moment, just watching his boyfriend sleep because Kyungil looked so peaceful like this. Because Jaeho knew that if he walked over right now and planted a kiss on Kyungil's forehead and brought the covers up to his chin, the leader would only grunt in his sleep and do nothing more.

But Jaeho did neither of those things, instead turning off the light in the bathrom and heading out into the hall. He'd seen a vending machine downstairs and he would get himself a snack. Or ten. None of the members had had a proper dinner that night and no one would know if Jaeho had a packet of chips before dinner. No one had to know if Jaeho cheated on his diet for just one night.

He heard the music before he saw who was stationed at the elevator. And when he recognized who it was, the idol practically stormed over, pulling the earphones away, eyebrows furrowing. "Xzavier! Do you want to go deaf or something?"

Then his eyes landed on the caffeinated drink in the other's hands and his eyebrows knit together even tighter, "And are you seriously still doing that? You know how unhealthy all that caffeine is for you!"

It was only then that Jaeho caught himself.

Eight years ago, this might have been ok. Eight years ago, this would have been normal because they had been best friends and Jaeho wasn't the sarcastic, childish but caring persona that he was now. And now, Xzavier wasn't someone he could take care of. Heck, there wasn't really anyone he could take care of these days except for Yijeong and Kyungil when the elder allowed it. He loved all of his hyungs, yes, but his role in the group wasn't to take care of them the way Sihyoung or Dokyun did.

So he covered his mouth with his hand and he shook his head. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, that was..." That just felt so natural... Xzavier had made it clear that Jaeho wasn't supposed to take care of him anymore and Jaeho had to stop doing this. Why was he even out here? What had he been doing? His mind drew a blank and all he could do was frown at the caffeinated beverage and bite his tongue to keep from saying anything more. He should just go back to the room.

But we're alone right now and Kyungil's asleep. He might never get the opportunity to talk to Xzavier like this again.

Jaeho was still holding the earbuds. He didn't even know why. But he let his hand drop from his mouth because now he felt guilty. If only he hadn't apologized, then maybe they could have kept that atmosphere of familiarity for a little longer because god he'd missed their banter.

"Just because you pay the bills doesn't make you a grown man." He said quietly, the corner of his lip threatening to tilt upwards. They were adults now, weren't they? Jaeho had just turned 21 a couple months ago,that meant he was an adult. He certainly didn't feel like one. Not around Kyungil and, honestly, not right now, though for whatever reason the feeling was different.

It was a split second decision to drop to the ground and cross his legs. Jaeho regretted it almost instantly, because whatever height he might have gained on Xzavier due to the other sitting down was lost in a second. He reached up, intending to hand the earbuds back. "But seriously, I could hear the music from like twenty feet away. You're going to blow your eardrums out." If he just pretended that this was still normal, would it become normal again?

At this point, Jaeho couldn't decide whether being invited to KCON was a blessing or a curse. Of course, he loved his fans and he loved that he got to meet so many of them. They had done a fanmeet today and so many people came to see them and Jaeho had felt so overwhelmed. It was amazing to come back home and to see that there were people outside of Korea who knew who he was, people who perhaps lived close to where he'd grown up.

And Xzavier. He didn't know what to make of him. He didn't understand how he felt about seeing his old friend again because whenever he looked at Xzavier, his chest constricts and his stomach flips. But he can't decide on the reason why that happens. He can't decide on whether the feeling is good or bad. Kyungil seems to think that it's bad. Jaeho doesn't know whether or not to trust his boyfriend on this one.

"It's been so long, Xzavier..." He wanted to take his eyes off of the other man, but for some reason he couldn't. "...how've you been? Are you in school now?" That first question was loaded and potentially fatal. The second question did little to mitigate that. But Jaeho had to know. He was scared for Xzavier's answer to that first question but he had to know. He wanted to understand and if he got hurt in the process, then maybe that's what he deserved.

But it wasn't as if he'd completely forgotten about Xzavier. It was small, but the day after news of his relationship with Kyungil had leaked, Jaeho found himself in the room that Dokyun shared with Sihyoung, lying flat on the bed with Dokyun sitting a few feet away doing who knows what. He'd talked for ages that day, talked about his childhood and his family and how he hadn't known that he was gay until a couple months ago because before then, he couldn't exactly be certain. And he'd talked about how he'd felt guilty because there was this friend back home who thought that he was straight.

Dokyun had asked why he was so certain that this friend thought he was straight.

"Because I told him that."

And Dokyun had asked about Kyungil and the topic was dropped.

But Jaeho hadn't forgotten. Even when Kyungil became his life, he hadn't truly forgotten. Every time he kissed Kyungil or touched him or held hands in public, some part of him remembered.

It was just a matter of figuring out what that remembrance meant.

Jaeho's jaw opened and closed, working around words that he couldn't speak. He didn't know. Xzavier sounded so bitter and pained and the worst part was that Jaeho knew he was the reason for it all. Or at least one of the reasons. He felt like someone had just punched him in the gut.

What do you say to someone who tells you that their mother died of cancer? That their father is on his deathbed? That they had tried to end their life? What do you say to them, when you are so obviously the one to blame?

And the way Xzavier spoke about his relationship with Kyungil, the way he had put himself down in the same sentence he used to imply that Jaeho was happy...he had to ignore that. Of all the news that had just been dumped on him, knowing that Xzavier thought that he couldn't have made Jaeho happy, and that Kyungil somehow did...that hurt. It shouldn't have hurt, but it did.

"Xzavier..." His voice sounded foreign to his ears. "I'm...sorry." That was probably the worst response he could have given but what was he supposed to say? His company had trained him on how to answer interview questions about his "ideal type", about HISTORY's promotions, about his "special talents" and "charms", but no one had ever taught him how to respond to this.

But who would have thought, right? Who would have thought that after eight freaking years Jaeho would be reunited with someone he had once hurt so badly, someone that he wanted to be able to love again. Who would have thought...

And what could he have done? Words would not have been sufficient. No amount of words could take away even a fraction of the pain he had caused and knowing that, Jaeho didn't feel like he had much of a choice. He could walk away. He could stand up and walk away and go back to the hotel room, slide under the covers and press himself up against Kyungil in an attempt to convince himself that he really did not need Xzavier at all. He could wake Kyungil up in the morning with a kiss and a smile and he could resign himself to a future with this guy because Kyungil loved him. He did.

That would be easy. That would be so easy. That's what everyone would expect him to do because why would he not? Kyungil was perfect.

But Jaeho had never been someone who listened to reason. So he didn't protest when his legs moved from under him and he got on his knees. He didn't protest when his body closed the distance, when his arms reached and shook as he wrapped them as best he could around the man he once called his best friend. And his head came to rest against the other and his mind screamed at him to stop because what if Kyungil comes looking for him? What if Kyungil sees?

His mind screamed for him to get up and get out.

But Jaeho had never been someone who listened to reason.

Jaeho could feel Xzavier tense, but he didn't let go. This was the first time he'd hugged his friend in years and he wasn't just going to let go. "There is an 'us'. There's always been an us, ok? That didn't go away just because I left." And while Jaeho would never be able to say that "everything besides us was a mistake", there had been moments during his trainee years and also during months leading up to comebacks where Jaeho had wondered if it was all worth it. Of course it was worth it, all of it, because how could it not be...but still, Jaeho had moments where he despaired. And it was during the weeks leading up to their Might Just Die comeback that he'd been the weakest, and that was when Kyungil got to him.

He could have stayed forever, with his arms wrapped tightly around Xzavier's broader, larger, more muscular frame. Seriously, how much had the guy been working out since Jaeho left? Kyungil had worked out four hours a day (added onto their daily two hours of dance practice) for two months leading up to the Might Just Die comeback and he hadn't gotten anywhere near this buff. Not that Jaeho hadn't drooled every time he saw the leader shirtless, but still...

Jaeho had to pull away. He was going to fall asleep if he stayed in the position for much longer. He sat back on his heels, chin tilted up so that he could look Xzavier in the eye. "I missed you, you know? I know I stopped emailing and texting and everything...but I did miss you. I don't want you to think that I just forgot about you because I never did." Why should Xzavier even trust him? Put in the same shoes, Jaeho might not even trust himself. Xzavier had always said that "actions speak louder than words" and while Jaeho didn't completely agree with that, even he could tell that his word wasn't nearly enough.

There was a reason why Jaeho had never talked about Xzavier with any of the members aside from Dokyun. And he only felt comfortable around Dokyun because the elder was literally the group's mother. There was a reason why Jaeho never thought to bring up his past with Kyungil, because he knew that Kyungil was the jealous type and he knew that Kyungil wouldn't have taken to the idea of there having been someone who fancied Jaeho, even if that person didn't necessarily like Jaeho anymore, even if that person overseas. Kyungil was that type.

And some part of Jaeho had been afraid of the idea of Xzavier. Kyungil was perfect and he was lucky to have him. But thinking about Xzavier, especially during the first few months of his new relationship, had brought on waves of guilt that Jaeho couldn't exactly understand. It always felt like he was cheating, somehow, even though he wasn't. He clearly wasn't.

"How's...how's NYU? What are you studying?" Jaeho had wondered about going to university. He had been seventeen when Kyungil joined the company at the age of twenty-one, fresh out of college, having gotten it in his head that he wanted to be a singer instead of just a dancer. Jaeho had wondered, then if he should try to go to university, too. But then he turned eighteen and HISTORY debuted shortly after his birthday and he'd thrown the idea out the window. HIs schedule had become too busy and his body became beaten and battered all over again, even though he'd thought that he'd been through the worst of it in his four (nearly five) years as a trainee.

He didn't know if he regretted not going to college. Sometimes he did, but other times he was glad for the fact that he didn't have to be worrying about homework during his free time anymore.

Either way, he wanted to know...he wanted to know if Xzavier was happy now? Or...close to happy? At the very least, he wanted to know if Xzavier was enjoying university. Kyungil had always talked about how nice it had been to be around like-minded people as an undergrad.

There's nothing to miss?

There's nothing to miss!?

There were so many things Jaeho could have said in response but he said nothing. He kept his mouth shut, because Xzavier was bitter and he had every right to be. Because Jaeho wanted to be friends again, but the key to winning his friend back was not to push. There would come a time when Jaeho could say something sincere and Xzavier would be able to believe him. He just had to trust that there would come such a time.

"Your MBA!" Jaeho's dimples became prominent as he smiled widely. "That's amazing! I mean, I'm not surprised...you've always been so smart." Even way back in middle school, Xzavier had always been smarter than Jaeho. He'd always been a fast learner while Jaeho was left behind, picking up the pieces and pulling all-nighters before tests to cram as much information as possible. He was lucky that he could sing, that he could dance and that he was able to learn how to rap. He was lucky that he was able to do all three of these things on top of learning how to compose because when the company put HISTORY together, that's the type of person they were looking for. HISTORY was a five member band that consisted of four vocals, four rappers, five dancers, and five composers. Jaeho was lucky that he made it.

"But who's Mr. Bernstein?" He didn't remember a teacher by this name. Probably a teacher Xzavier had in high school. Had Xzavier mentioned him before? He certainly hoped not. That'd be terrible, if Jaeho had simply forgotten.

While Xzavier went through high school in America, went to the school that Jaeho had always thought he was headed towards, when Jaeho signed that contract, he'd agreed to go to school in Korea. To that high school that every entertainment company based in Seoul sent their trainees. He'd made friends there. Some of them who were now wildly successful, others who were not quite there yet and still others who never made it to debut and never would. HISTORY certainly wasn't as popular as some boy groups out there, but they had begun to make a name for themselves with Psycho and with their newest comeback, they were only getting bigger. Jaeho had faith. He knew he was lucky to have even come this far.

"And this bodyguard thing. Do you work during the school year, too? Are you taking care of yourself properly?" He had to ask. He had to. Jaeho cared too much for his own good, that's what Kyungil always said. But he couldn't help himself. He couldn't help it if, when his boyfriend came home at five in the morning, he was waiting in the living room, ready with some leftover bibimbap and a glass of water. He couldn't help it if, when Kyungil had hurt his wrist badly during practice for Might Just Die, he argued with their instructor for thirty straight minutes to get him to allow Kyungil to take a longer break. Kyungil had resented him for that, said that he shouldn't have said anything, especially since Sihyoung's wrist was swollen as well. But Jaeho couldn't help it if he cared a little too much. Sihyoung could eat whatever he wanted to, he never gained weight. Kyungil had been on a diet and because Jaeho had been on the same one, he'd known that it was too restricting.

What was he supposed to do, back then? Watch Kyungil kill himself for the comeback?

That was never an option.

Xzavier had never really complained about Jaeho's habit of caretaking when they were younger. Well, he'd certainly whined about it and teased, but in the end, Jaeho knew that Xzavier was willing to listen. And he loved that about Xzavier and he missed it so much. Sometimes he wondered if he really should stop caring so much, if Kyungil was right and he should back off because Kyungil was an adult who could make his own decisions...but coming face to face with Xzavier again brought forth all these good memories and Jaeho didn't want to stop caring.

If only his boyfriend could understand.