Post by The Noble Dragon on Sept 16, 2016 1:56:06 GMT -5
Hello! This is an archive from Let it out's recent discussion of the week: Healthy Friendships
Since it is an archive that doesn't mean in any way you can't discuss on here because being able to tell the difference between a healthy friendship and an unhealhty and potentially abusive one is very important! Feel free to continue to discuss and share tips or experiences on here!
Here's what some people on the thread said about Friendships:
When I was in fourth grade all my friends from the previous years kinda left me for other people so I was lonely and wandered around the playground looking for anyone that would let me play with them. It was hard. Until I met Mikaela. She was in my class, she was new to the school and we shared similar interests! We started by playing Around the world on the basketball court and became fast friends. There was another girl, Sydney, who hung out with us and we were all really good friends! Then Sydney moved away so it was just me and her for the rest of the year.
In 5th grade, we didn't have the same teacher but we were still able to hang out during breaks and lunch. We got really close until another girl Christina joined our friend group. I believed she was trying to get between me and Mikeala and break up our friendship. I'm not sure if it was true or not but it got to the point where me and Christina hated each other and would constantly tell Mikeala that the other was not a good friend. I think she decided that we had to race around the playground to prove our friendship to each other.... that or I challenged Christina. Either way we raced to climb the playground and she punched me in the stomach, she said I kicked her but I don't remember if I did on purpose or not. Either way Christina won and I was left crying on the play set by the slide, thinking Mikeala was going to leave me for her. But much to my surprise Mikeala came to make sure I was okay and Christina stopped being our friend. We met Kathy a while later who joined our group and became our best friend.
At the End of 5th grade I moved away for 6 months, we kept in touch via mail and phone calls but not very often because we didn't think I'd move back. But my mom didn't like her new job and she was able to get her old job back and we moved back into the same house and I went to the same middle school that all my friends from elementary school were going to!
Mikeala had changed since I had been gone, she had a whole bunch of new friends and was into different things than elementary school. I on the other hand, hadn't changed much. I still loved to play sports and stuff and read, while she loved to talk about fashion and make-up and boys... topics I wasn't familiar with or cared about but since we had been friends for so long I was willing to listen and try and be interested. She welcomed me back into the friendship with open arms and the rest of the girls seemed to accept me.. some more than others.
Around 7th grade we began to have problems.... well problems I noticed. We'd had plenty of problems in elementary and th grade but I hadn't seen them as such. We argued and very often she would call me to the counselors office because I wasn't a good friend. One time he suggested we "Start Over" our friendship and go back to being acquaintances and we did that. But I wasn't going to forget all that we had been through together so almost immediately after that I was like "Hey you still coming to my b-day party?" And he responded with something like "I don't know... we aren't really friends". One time during an argument she had with another friend who got "kicked" from the group I called her a.... not so nice word and she got very upset with me and had her mom call my mom. My mom responded with "Deamon wouldn't say that unless they meant it" sooo yeah I didn't get in trouble.
These problems continued into 8th grade, and since we had different lunch periods I spent time with some new friends. Nothing noteworthy really happened in 8th grade so I'm going to move onto 9th grade.
High school. By now Mikeala and I had mostly drifted apart. Kathy and I sat in the grass in the quad during lunch and the rest of the girls sat by the tables across the quad. Mikeala never came over unless she was having an argument with one of the girls over there. Me and Kathy realized that she thought of us as her backup friends and we didn't like that. So one time when she came over and started to complain about "Emily" or someone we told her that we aren't her back up friends and she should only come sit with us if she actually wants to. She left in anger.
One of our other friends Rachel, was having massive issues with Mikeala's group of friends. Rachel had been the person kicked from the group in 7th grade. She thought that the whole group was stalking her and sending her threats. I never figured out if she was really paranoid or if there was some truth to her thoughts but around October she went to the counselors office and got all of them in trouble. Why is October important? Because My birthday is the day before Halloween and I was getting ready for my birthday party. I texted her (because I had FINALLY gotten a cell phone)
"Hey are you coming to my party? I need to know ASAP"
"No."
"What? Why not??"
"You know what you did."
"Mikeala I have no idea what you are talking about. What did I do?"
I don't remember if she responded or not but I she kept blaming me for something I had no idea about. So finally I snapped and realized that my best friend Mikeala. Wasn't a good friend at all. And I texted her as much.
"You know what Mikeala. You have no right to treat me this way. I didn't do anything bad to you and all you've done for as long as we've been friends is be mean and manipulative."
And then I got a call from her on my phone but it was one of the girl in her group saying something like "How dare you call Mikeala mean! She's the nicest person I know!" So I just ended up hanging up and being extremely upset over our fight.
This fight when on for months, till finally near the end of the year me and Kathy met up with Mikeala in front of the school before it started.
"Mikeala we should talk" I told her.
And we did, about how it was all a misunderstanding and that the fight was kinda stupid and we kinda made up. Until.
"It's okay you guys," Mikeala smiled at us. "I forgive you two."
Me and Kathy shared a look, the fight was entirely Mikeala's fault so it was HER that should be apologizing.
"You know what Mikeala." I finally said, feeling that Kathy agreed with me(and I was right). "If you thing that we are the ones that need to be forgiven then you are sorely mistaken. You don't deserve to be our friend. Come On Kathy." And with that We turned and walked away from her, her mouth agape and in a "How dare you" Kind of way.
I haven't interacted with her much since and I found a group of friends that actually love me and want me to be around.
The moral of this long story is. Friends shouldn't make you feel like they are doing you a favor by being your friend. They shouldn't be passive aggressive and talk as if your friendship is going to end any moment if you step out of line. They shouldn't be controlling and manipulative to get something out of you. They shouldn't make you feel like you can't say anything to them or talk to them openly. This my fellow forumers is called and abusive relationship. It can happen to anyone and isn't solely restricted to romantic relationships.
Friends should be open and honest with you. You should feel as if you can talk to them and be open to them. They should listen, just as you should. One thing I have found is that the Key to any kind of relationship of Communication. If you feel you two are drifting apart then say something and talk about why that is and what you can do to prevent it. Find something in common with your friends and be willing to learn about their other interests. Make sure your friends feels loved and they should do the same back.
A lot of you are young on here and not sure how good relationships work. Learn from my experience, because it really sucks to learn it on your own. If you feel that someone is mistreating you as a friend or in any other kind of relationship then you should leave them and find someone who is worth your while. I know that sounds hard but you can do it. You can always talk to me about it if you think that you can't.
If you feel as if you have been a bad friend then it's okay. If you feel like you act like Mikeala then there isn't any reason why you can't change and become a good friend. Sometimes we forget that our friends are people too and have their own problems, we use them as band-aids for our own issues and don't realize that they need a good friend too. It isn't too late to apologize and try to be better. Most of the time we don't realize what we are doing until afterward, so it's okay that you weren't the best person in the past or currently. The future is a bright and wonderful thing and it is filled with endless possibilities. So it is never to late to change for the better.
Feel free to add your own experiences with good and bad friends and any advice you have for people!
Most of the discussion took place on a seperate thread I had created before Let it Out: A word on Friendships
Also if they wait for you is a sign of a good friend, and if they will listen to you and give you good feedback on your problems (NOTE: this does not mean support saying that your right all the time. Its giving you an honest answer)
I hadn't thought of it like that but friends respecting boundaries and rules that have been set up is a very good thing to notice and point out. If your friend breaks a rule that you've told them about then call them out on it other wise they are going to do it again. Sometimes they might have just forgotten the rule or not realized they broke it so gently, but firmly, reminding them of the rule is a good way to keep rules or boundaries strong and the friendship healthy! I also go by how the friend treats their parents and customer service workers! (Remind me to talk about the bubble my mom taught me about later)
Yes listening and giving constructive feedback is an important part of any relationship. Communication is key to basically everything tbh
This next one is contained under a Spoiler due to a possible trigger warning for victims of sexual acts
My first relationship actually was fine for the first couple of months. Then as we went on down the road, he became more and more clingy. He called everyday to the point where I had to pick up for him to stop. He constantly wanted to hang out, which was fine if he had given me some space. It got to the point where I was afraid he'd go to great lengths to see me. It was kind of like he was obsessed and it scared me. I broke it off, not in person because I was afraid he'd do something.
My second relationship lasted a month or less. He was nice and sweet, but he was really pushy on a topic. He kept mentioning that he couldn't wait for us to do it. He also was very happy at the fact that I hadn't been with anyone in that sense. When he and I were hanging out, he brought me to his room... Nothing "too" bad happened, but it was enough to once again scare me that he'd do something.. If he ignored my "no" the first time, only getting it when I pushed away, then how far would he go if he got impatient? I didn't tell anyone why until after we broke up. I broke it off like with my first relationship, and again, not in person in case he did something. I feel like he would have been more opt to hurt me than the first...
Luckily, I'm with a guy right now who cares about me. We've almost been together for four years, majority of it long distance. He knows about what happened, and he's honestly different than the others. He helps with my depression and helps with making me see that I do matter.
Sorry if my post scared anyone or grew too inappropriate. I'll delete it if need be..
Since it is an archive that doesn't mean in any way you can't discuss on here because being able to tell the difference between a healthy friendship and an unhealhty and potentially abusive one is very important! Feel free to continue to discuss and share tips or experiences on here!
Here's what some people on the thread said about Friendships:
When you are young you tend to find people that are willing to be your friend. If you are desperate you find anyone willing to let you stay around them for an extended period of time no matter what they do to you. I was like the latter in elementary school.
When I was in fourth grade all my friends from the previous years kinda left me for other people so I was lonely and wandered around the playground looking for anyone that would let me play with them. It was hard. Until I met Mikaela. She was in my class, she was new to the school and we shared similar interests! We started by playing Around the world on the basketball court and became fast friends. There was another girl, Sydney, who hung out with us and we were all really good friends! Then Sydney moved away so it was just me and her for the rest of the year.
In 5th grade, we didn't have the same teacher but we were still able to hang out during breaks and lunch. We got really close until another girl Christina joined our friend group. I believed she was trying to get between me and Mikeala and break up our friendship. I'm not sure if it was true or not but it got to the point where me and Christina hated each other and would constantly tell Mikeala that the other was not a good friend. I think she decided that we had to race around the playground to prove our friendship to each other.... that or I challenged Christina. Either way we raced to climb the playground and she punched me in the stomach, she said I kicked her but I don't remember if I did on purpose or not. Either way Christina won and I was left crying on the play set by the slide, thinking Mikeala was going to leave me for her. But much to my surprise Mikeala came to make sure I was okay and Christina stopped being our friend. We met Kathy a while later who joined our group and became our best friend.
At the End of 5th grade I moved away for 6 months, we kept in touch via mail and phone calls but not very often because we didn't think I'd move back. But my mom didn't like her new job and she was able to get her old job back and we moved back into the same house and I went to the same middle school that all my friends from elementary school were going to!
Mikeala had changed since I had been gone, she had a whole bunch of new friends and was into different things than elementary school. I on the other hand, hadn't changed much. I still loved to play sports and stuff and read, while she loved to talk about fashion and make-up and boys... topics I wasn't familiar with or cared about but since we had been friends for so long I was willing to listen and try and be interested. She welcomed me back into the friendship with open arms and the rest of the girls seemed to accept me.. some more than others.
Around 7th grade we began to have problems.... well problems I noticed. We'd had plenty of problems in elementary and th grade but I hadn't seen them as such. We argued and very often she would call me to the counselors office because I wasn't a good friend. One time he suggested we "Start Over" our friendship and go back to being acquaintances and we did that. But I wasn't going to forget all that we had been through together so almost immediately after that I was like "Hey you still coming to my b-day party?" And he responded with something like "I don't know... we aren't really friends". One time during an argument she had with another friend who got "kicked" from the group I called her a.... not so nice word and she got very upset with me and had her mom call my mom. My mom responded with "Deamon wouldn't say that unless they meant it" sooo yeah I didn't get in trouble.
These problems continued into 8th grade, and since we had different lunch periods I spent time with some new friends. Nothing noteworthy really happened in 8th grade so I'm going to move onto 9th grade.
High school. By now Mikeala and I had mostly drifted apart. Kathy and I sat in the grass in the quad during lunch and the rest of the girls sat by the tables across the quad. Mikeala never came over unless she was having an argument with one of the girls over there. Me and Kathy realized that she thought of us as her backup friends and we didn't like that. So one time when she came over and started to complain about "Emily" or someone we told her that we aren't her back up friends and she should only come sit with us if she actually wants to. She left in anger.
One of our other friends Rachel, was having massive issues with Mikeala's group of friends. Rachel had been the person kicked from the group in 7th grade. She thought that the whole group was stalking her and sending her threats. I never figured out if she was really paranoid or if there was some truth to her thoughts but around October she went to the counselors office and got all of them in trouble. Why is October important? Because My birthday is the day before Halloween and I was getting ready for my birthday party. I texted her (because I had FINALLY gotten a cell phone)
"Hey are you coming to my party? I need to know ASAP"
"No."
"What? Why not??"
"You know what you did."
"Mikeala I have no idea what you are talking about. What did I do?"
I don't remember if she responded or not but I she kept blaming me for something I had no idea about. So finally I snapped and realized that my best friend Mikeala. Wasn't a good friend at all. And I texted her as much.
"You know what Mikeala. You have no right to treat me this way. I didn't do anything bad to you and all you've done for as long as we've been friends is be mean and manipulative."
And then I got a call from her on my phone but it was one of the girl in her group saying something like "How dare you call Mikeala mean! She's the nicest person I know!" So I just ended up hanging up and being extremely upset over our fight.
This fight when on for months, till finally near the end of the year me and Kathy met up with Mikeala in front of the school before it started.
"Mikeala we should talk" I told her.
And we did, about how it was all a misunderstanding and that the fight was kinda stupid and we kinda made up. Until.
"It's okay you guys," Mikeala smiled at us. "I forgive you two."
Me and Kathy shared a look, the fight was entirely Mikeala's fault so it was HER that should be apologizing.
"You know what Mikeala." I finally said, feeling that Kathy agreed with me(and I was right). "If you thing that we are the ones that need to be forgiven then you are sorely mistaken. You don't deserve to be our friend. Come On Kathy." And with that We turned and walked away from her, her mouth agape and in a "How dare you" Kind of way.
I haven't interacted with her much since and I found a group of friends that actually love me and want me to be around.
The moral of this long story is. Friends shouldn't make you feel like they are doing you a favor by being your friend. They shouldn't be passive aggressive and talk as if your friendship is going to end any moment if you step out of line. They shouldn't be controlling and manipulative to get something out of you. They shouldn't make you feel like you can't say anything to them or talk to them openly. This my fellow forumers is called and abusive relationship. It can happen to anyone and isn't solely restricted to romantic relationships.
Friends should be open and honest with you. You should feel as if you can talk to them and be open to them. They should listen, just as you should. One thing I have found is that the Key to any kind of relationship of Communication. If you feel you two are drifting apart then say something and talk about why that is and what you can do to prevent it. Find something in common with your friends and be willing to learn about their other interests. Make sure your friends feels loved and they should do the same back.
A lot of you are young on here and not sure how good relationships work. Learn from my experience, because it really sucks to learn it on your own. If you feel that someone is mistreating you as a friend or in any other kind of relationship then you should leave them and find someone who is worth your while. I know that sounds hard but you can do it. You can always talk to me about it if you think that you can't.
If you feel as if you have been a bad friend then it's okay. If you feel like you act like Mikeala then there isn't any reason why you can't change and become a good friend. Sometimes we forget that our friends are people too and have their own problems, we use them as band-aids for our own issues and don't realize that they need a good friend too. It isn't too late to apologize and try to be better. Most of the time we don't realize what we are doing until afterward, so it's okay that you weren't the best person in the past or currently. The future is a bright and wonderful thing and it is filled with endless possibilities. So it is never to late to change for the better.
Feel free to add your own experiences with good and bad friends and any advice you have for people!
Most of the discussion took place on a seperate thread I had created before Let it Out: A word on Friendships
A good way to tell is how they respect the rules in your household Some of my bad friendships (including the one person who I thought would be my Best Friend for the rest of my life) where shown through when they blatantly ignored rules set in my house, or ground rules I set for my friendships.
Also if they wait for you is a sign of a good friend, and if they will listen to you and give you good feedback on your problems (NOTE: this does not mean support saying that your right all the time. Its giving you an honest answer)
That's very good advice Sweet!Thank you!!
I hadn't thought of it like that but friends respecting boundaries and rules that have been set up is a very good thing to notice and point out. If your friend breaks a rule that you've told them about then call them out on it other wise they are going to do it again. Sometimes they might have just forgotten the rule or not realized they broke it so gently, but firmly, reminding them of the rule is a good way to keep rules or boundaries strong and the friendship healthy! I also go by how the friend treats their parents and customer service workers! (Remind me to talk about the bubble my mom taught me about later)
Yes listening and giving constructive feedback is an important part of any relationship. Communication is key to basically everything tbh
This next one is contained under a Spoiler due to a possible trigger warning for victims of sexual acts
My past two relationships were kind of toxic? They ended on bad terms, because I was uncomfortable. This post will kind of go into "trigger" territory for victims of sexual acts. However, I won't detail them, obviously..
My first relationship actually was fine for the first couple of months. Then as we went on down the road, he became more and more clingy. He called everyday to the point where I had to pick up for him to stop. He constantly wanted to hang out, which was fine if he had given me some space. It got to the point where I was afraid he'd go to great lengths to see me. It was kind of like he was obsessed and it scared me. I broke it off, not in person because I was afraid he'd do something.
My second relationship lasted a month or less. He was nice and sweet, but he was really pushy on a topic. He kept mentioning that he couldn't wait for us to do it. He also was very happy at the fact that I hadn't been with anyone in that sense. When he and I were hanging out, he brought me to his room... Nothing "too" bad happened, but it was enough to once again scare me that he'd do something.. If he ignored my "no" the first time, only getting it when I pushed away, then how far would he go if he got impatient? I didn't tell anyone why until after we broke up. I broke it off like with my first relationship, and again, not in person in case he did something. I feel like he would have been more opt to hurt me than the first...
Luckily, I'm with a guy right now who cares about me. We've almost been together for four years, majority of it long distance. He knows about what happened, and he's honestly different than the others. He helps with my depression and helps with making me see that I do matter.
Sorry if my post scared anyone or grew too inappropriate. I'll delete it if need be..