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Post by queen of disco on Sept 9, 2016 17:02:23 GMT -5
Growing up, I've watched my sister as she was diagnosed with a horrible anxiety disorder that I will not name for the sake of important details. She was currently going through high school, where she met tons of hurdles with friends due to her constant struggle to think properly and the fact that she worried about almost everything. As for me, well... I was diagnosed with it a few years ago.
My sister headed off to college, and it was just my mom and I. The house felt so lonely and dark without the light of my sister, even though she wanted to be alone most of the time with her thoughts. I don't think she was depressed, nor do I think she ever took out her fear on anyone before. My anxiety as a kid grew when I was little about a sensitive facial skin condition in which I turned red after physical activity from lack of being able to sweat, making me an easy target of bullying. I eventually broke out sweating in 6th grade, but the redness still remained across my face after gym class and such. Yes, any kid would be nervous to have people look at them while they look like a sweaty tomato. But for a kid with an anxiety disorder, everything became harder for me.
I refused to make eye contact with people, sit too close to others, or talk to many people. I made a few friends that were into drugs and dating their cousins, but I never participated in any of it. I knew it was a horrible thing to get addicted to, but I decided that drugs weren't going to ever solve my real problem other than fitting in. My anxiety was always with me at the end of the day, and I soon found myself talking with my sister almost every day about my troubles over the phone. Eventually, school became really busy for her and I had no one to talk to. My mother would give me looks of pity and even a few hugs, but it would only make me feel worse. Counseling helped a little bit, but insurance only covered about 5 sessions before my mom couldn't afford to take me again.
I dealt with it pretty well through middle school as best as I could, but once freshman year of high school came I feared for my life. My high school is extremely big, with over 700 people currently in my sophomore class this year. I came to school with some of my friends from middle school whom were boys. Their new friends became my friends, and we then had a group of about 8 or 9 people we called our 'crew' because the term 'squad' became really annoying. They were mostly boys, which (I'm only talking about these boys in particular) allowed them to find the confidence in making racial jokes about Jews and Muslims while tearing down others for being different from them. They were insensitive to feminism and anyone not interested in sports, but apparently I was the exception since they all knew of my anxiety disorder. Sure, they weren't the best people, but with each other they were enormously sweet and kind, and treated me normally without ever mentioning my anxiety.
Once day, one of my friends began to flirt with me. He was what was known as a player, always hitting on girls and such, but he asked a girl out earlier that school year and they had been dating for about a month. The flirting happened over text messages, and I eventually found myself liking him, although I really don't want to get too specific in detail for the sake of a broken heart and the rough memories behind it. He told me I was beautiful, wished me goodnight, and stay up with me talking about the simplest things. Eventually he and his girlfriend began to have problems, in which then he turned to me for romantic advice. Although I did like him, I wanted him to remain happy. So naturally, I helped him through each individual problem that had occurred. They broke up a few times, but got back together the next day. His girlfriend treated him poorly and said she could always replace him if he ever "did her wrong", so I told him to leave her.
We went to the gym that was walking distance from our school and worked out together (again, not really helping my anxiety but he was very supportive) and we talked about more things such as how he wanted to break up with his girlfriend. Afte the gym we walked to Culver's and he bought me dinner, in which we were told by an old couple that we were just like a married couple, to which we both blushed and pushed the thought away. There was a play going on back at the school that night, and he had said over text messages that he was willing to do things with me (not anything nasty, just cute stuff) and he'd break up with his girlfriend the day after. We walked back to the school and watched the play together with our whole group of friends and my old english teacher, who was the bomb.com. He reached for my hand and we held hands for about half of the play, to where I finally pulled it away and sat away from him for the rest of it. The day after, he decided to stay with his girlfriend and told me he couldn't do that to her and he wanted to kiss me very badly yet wanted to be loyal. I understood his feelings (or at least tried to) but couldn't figure out what went wrong. He didn't do this with anyone else, which made me feel special, but then again what was it all for anyway? To this day I still don't know, and he remains in my thoughts almost every day.
One of my other friends began to bully me, saying how I was fat and ugly and wasn't good enough for my group of friends. I constantly cried every night, but my mom told me to quit being weak and figure out a way to deal with him. I silently cried out on endless nights to see if anyone would ever by chance hear my prayers to God, or anything that would keep me from doing anything stupid. I never did try anything irrational, but I fell into a short state of depression and my old habits of anxiety began to prickle at my skin. It was then on the last day of freshman year that my other friend who had been flirting with me all of a sudden blocked and unfriended me on social media, causing my stress to go through the roof and wonder what was really wrong with me. I did nothing all summer as a result of me not feeling comfortable enough to spend time with anyone other than my best friend (who goes to a different school) and my family. My sister has been done with college for a few years now, and we're still very close.
As for today's update, I'm currently a sophomore attending the same high school and seeing the same people who have hurt me in the past. Many are not in my classes anymore, while many i still see in the hall. I took up my first AP class, in which I'm stressing out very badly to do well in, and my anxiety gets worse with every day that passes. Sure, I'm pretty smart, but I struggle to develop concepts to focus and do massive amounts of homework while balancing out social issues with friends. I do struggle to balance the two, but I hope that those of you who are dealing with anxiety and pressure know that you're not alone. I'm sharing this story not for attention, or any pity/prayers. All I ask is that if you're fighting mental illnesses and have people who you surround yourself with that put you down constantly and tell you you're not good enough, talk to someone. No one will hear your desperate and silent calls unless you actually speak up. You can always feel free to talk to me over PM, or even reply with your own stories and concerns that you may have gone through. I'm always here to talk, and it will never become a competition to see who has it worse. I just want to find others who I can relate and connect to while hopefully reaching out to those who also cried out silently on endless nights and wondered where they fit in this world.
Thank you for reading.
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Post by queen of disco on Sept 9, 2016 19:55:34 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2016 20:18:00 GMT -5
It looks like you put a lot of time into writing that, and not just because of it's length.
I hope you find a way to do well for yourself as a sophomore. High school can be messy and complicated, but at the same time, it's important to remember that you're there to prepare yourself for college/careers, and that's it. My biggest regret with high school is worrying so much about specific little details about school itself that don't help me at all in where I am now. If that makes sense.
Anyways, I read the whole thing, and the only other thing I can think to say right now is a phrase that I'm fond of - FIDO:
H*ck It, Drive On.
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Post by queen of disco on Sept 9, 2016 20:21:41 GMT -5
Thank you. Like I said, I hope what this does is more than getting a few apologies. I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart and am truly grateful that you took the time to read my (shortened) story.
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Post by queen of disco on Sept 10, 2016 10:41:25 GMT -5
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Post by ☆Starlight Dreamer☆ on Sept 10, 2016 11:11:08 GMT -5
Thanks for feeling comfortable enough to share this with us!
I've dealt with anxiety for a good portion of my life too although I've never been officially diagnosed. Sure it wasn't as severe as others might have experienced but it still affected me. I feel like the worst peak of my anxiety for me was middle school into the first of high school. I've always been sorta a loner because I'm so quiet and people usually ignored me(which if i was honest, was fine with me)because I'm so quiet. Oh and I always hated lunch time for the first couple of days into the school year. Trying to find friends to sit with and often sitting by yourself next to people you don't know. And in group projects often having to embarrassingly ask if I could join a group cause I didn't know anybody and everyone had already chosen their groups. And it often got me down, that nobody liked me(i had a few friends sure but I only ran into to them like one hour of the day) and sorta a 'what is wrong with me?' Like I'd always felt like I never fit in.
I'm currently in my third year of college and I feel like my anxiety has gotten much better since then, although I still struggle with it some. I have a job where I can talk confidently to people and it's getting easier to approach teachers and talk in front of the class for a presentation. My friends have all gone off to different colleges so I'm also trying to make new friends.
Ha, oh wow. Didn't mean to talk that much. But I guess that's been my struggle with anxiety
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Post by queen of disco on Sept 10, 2016 17:29:29 GMT -5
It's not a problem! I'm so glad you decided to share a bit of yours as well and have improved through your condition as you settled into college. I think everyone has those certain moments of doubt on whether or not they'll fit in and such. For me, I left the people in my life who put me down and made new friends that embrace every part of who I am. It feels good to relax every once in awhile and just appreciate life itself. To live our lives to the fullest we'll sometimes have to step out of our comfort zone and just try new things.
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Post by queen of disco on Sept 13, 2016 16:21:30 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2016 16:40:41 GMT -5
Thank you for being brave enough to share this. I was diagnosed with panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder at the age of six, brought about by my mother dying from a brain tumor (well, dying when I was seven, but she was sick for a long time). I was in a 'remission' of sorts for a good four or five years, but when starting middle school I began to experience intrusive thoughts (I blame it on the oppressive rhetoric of the Catholic people I associated with at the time, and the fact that I was just realizing I was bisexual, and that these two things together caused so much stress that I began to have them). I also believe I may have been depressed during this time, but my memories of that period are hazy. I do know that in eighth grade I had my first panic attack in six years, the bridge broke, and I went back to counseling. I am now a tenth grader, and I'm trucking along. I have generalized anxiety disorder and hypochondria, with a possible case of Pure O OCD (but that's a self diagnosis, so don't quote me on that). I experience nasty ass intrusive thoughts every day, racing thoughts, horrible health concerns, and massive levels of stress that can literally only be calmed by medication. So, in short, it sucks. But, stay strong. I know I will eventually get better, and you will too. Keep on trucking <3
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Post by queen of disco on Sept 13, 2016 16:57:43 GMT -5
I love seeing replies like yours and knowing that we can all be here for one another. I'm so glad you found it possible to share and see what truly matters: holding on to hope. I think that message stands out for everyone, even with other diagnostics that may not always be the same as everyone else. I'm incredibly sorry you lost your mother at such a young age, and I only want to send you the best wishes of hope and happiness as you continue to carry on with this rapid roller coaster ride that is not ever really that easy. But yes, stay strong we shall and I have the highest hopes for all of us. <3
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Post by mags on Sept 13, 2016 17:25:46 GMT -5
oh my goodness. i can relate to this so incredibly much.
i was kind of in a similar situation for a long while, as whenever i would exercise, my face would turn bright red, and i wouldn't sweat all that much, if at all. as a result, people began calling me the "albino tomato" because i was a "red-white" person. for a little bit, it was quite humiliating. so i can kind of understand that part.
i was diagnosed with a serious anxiety disorder as well fairly recently, though i believe i have been living with it for a while undiagnosed. it has affected me for a large portion of my life, whether it be with social interaction, athletics, or academics. i would always blow things way out of proportion and would tend to think things through a little too much.
my anxiety and stress eventually triggered what my doctors believe to be fibromyalgia back in november of last year. if you don't know what that is, it is a disease in which my nerves are all hyperactive, and because of this, i am in pain pretty much every minute of every day. before this happened, i was shooting for ivy leagues. as a sophomore in high school, i had a 4.4 gpa, which was very difficult to maintain. when this happened, it was extremely debilitating, and took months of vigorous medical testing to diagnose. as of right now, i am still struggling greatly with both my fibro and my anxiety, and i realize just how much strain each can have on the body.
i was also bullied immensely, mostly in middle school (7th grade in particular) so i know what that can be like. i know how horrible people can make you feel. just know that there are people here for you and willing to listen and help as much as we can. i know that for me, whenever you feel like you need to talk to someone, i will be here for you, because i understand how difficult life can be sometimes.
you're so brave for sharing your story, and honestly, i admire you so much for that. you're so strong, and i hope you can see that for yourself. <3
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Post by queen of disco on Sept 13, 2016 17:51:34 GMT -5
c,: That made me incredibly happy, magni. Thank you so much. Again, it's nice to find those other people who can relate and just let you know in a sense that you're not the only ones going through this mess. I hope this can become a safe place to chat amongst others and really just let people know that it's all going to be okay. Even when I'm super stressed, I like coming on here, allowing me to breathe and just be myself. If it's any consolation, I think you're pretty brave as well. Your heart is so genuinely pure that I'm sure you make a lot of people smile every day, including myself.
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Post by mags on Sept 13, 2016 22:01:23 GMT -5
if i can help you in any way ever, i totally will. and honestly, you're so nice for saying those things. definitely made me smile! (': i know that, for me, writing always helps me to calm down! so I'm glad I'm rping with you on the gg thread bc maybe that will help you as well<3
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Post by queen of disco on Sept 18, 2016 18:15:48 GMT -5
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Post by queen of disco on Sept 30, 2016 18:46:25 GMT -5
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Post by Gengar on Sept 30, 2016 18:58:38 GMT -5
➳ what AP are you taking? maybe I could help you study
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Post by queen of disco on Sept 30, 2016 20:00:44 GMT -5
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Post by Gengar on Sept 30, 2016 20:09:40 GMT -5
➳ oh I'm sorry I didn't take it I took euro xc
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Post by queen of disco on Sept 30, 2016 20:56:08 GMT -5
Everyone I've talked to has taken euro, so I'm not surprised XD It's okay, the work isn't hard it's just very time consuming, especially when I procrastinate to the night time due to me only being able to focus when it's absolutely quiet. cx
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