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Post by Cloudpie on Sept 13, 2017 23:22:24 GMT -5
Wow these are still going? Awesome
Also congrats on college!
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 14, 2017 8:09:03 GMT -5
yeah (I'm working on the next update--I think I have 23 outlined but the 24th is six panels 😵)
thank you!
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 16, 2017 8:55:14 GMT -5
health stuff uhhh I'm starting to think my strange painful circle is not actually a spider bite
if it gets any worse in the next two weeks I'm seeing someone about this |
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 16, 2017 21:47:05 GMT -5
okay I finished outlining #24 from the next set but I haven't done #25 yet
plan for tomorrow:
-do any reading for my history-ish class
-do my astronomy homework
-get my 50 Pokémon go coins because all of a sudden I can't touch the gyms and hopefully it'll be fixed by tomorrow
-comics? can I bring myself to do anything productive?
-maybe start a thing I've been wanting to do for a while but I refuse to reveal what it is unless I actually do it
also I need to stop buying almond butter cups because when it comes to those things I have ZERO self control
like any other candy I can wait and ration but almond butter cups completely break my self control I just eat them all immediately no matter how many I buy
one time I bought eight almond butter cups and I wasn't even hungry but I ate all eight of them that day and felt like I was dying
had some baklava yesterday and it was as good as I remembered it being (dry but great anyway)
also? I play a harsh fiddle when people I dislike don't dislike me back (not @ any of you I promise)
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 17, 2017 16:06:14 GMT -5
what I've done today:
-played Pokémon (sun and go)
-bought more almond butter cups
-eaten chocolate chips, raw pasta, and goldfish crackers
updated list:
-looked up the name of a character from a fanfiction I wrote like 2 chapters of a year and a half ago (Valefern if you're wondering)
-eaten more raw pasta
-reposted an old murdercat story
-outlined like half of Needlestripe's face in comic 25 of the next set
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 18, 2017 16:56:45 GMT -5
Okay. So.
My demo of Pixelmator 1.6.7 ran out. I have to buy a license to use it. I would be perfectly willing to do this, but it is impossible to do so because Pixelmator is on version 3.something now and the 1.6.7 licenses can no longer be bought.
However, I did buy the latest version. It is absolutely disgusting[/i] and does not
-have a user friendly design
-have the tools in the same place
-make any sense whatsoever to someone who isn't intimately familiar with Photoshop
It does
-still have the tools I need
-have lots of bells and whistles
-hurt my eyes to look at
I mean, I'm sure it's technically a vast improvement for photo editing software, but I'm not here to edit photos.
I can still use it, but it will take longer due to lack of familiarity and get delayed because it hurts to look at because I have garbage eyes.
This is a huge disappointment.
Sorry to slow things down even more.
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 18, 2017 18:24:08 GMT -5
posting these so that I can save them to my phone |
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 18, 2017 23:16:41 GMT -5
today be a mighty big day
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 19, 2017 19:58:42 GMT -5
I be procrastinatin' mateys
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 19, 2017 21:00:03 GMT -5
yo ho ho I be done me hearties
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 21, 2017 9:00:14 GMT -5
normally I prefer darker chocolate but I have to admit that while 77% Chocolove is good, 33% Chocolove is the food of the gods
at least I know what to buy next time I waste my money on chocolate
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 21, 2017 23:34:50 GMT -5
mention of self harm and stuff mental illness etc. I feel like a bad person because every once in a while I run across stuff about BPD again and it's all so relatable and it would explain so much but I already talked about it to my psychiatrist and she said I definitely don't have it
apparently liking to make myself bleed doesn't count as self harm because I rip off scabs and dig with my fingernails instead of using a blade
and my old habits of taking sandpaper to my skin and hitting myself with heavy objects, well, I don't do them anymore, the former because my mom found and threw away the scrap of sandpaper I stole from her all those years ago and the latter because I'm a coward which maybe isn't a bad thing in this case
how paranoid is paranoia? I don't trust anyone, everything they say has the potential to be a lie, I wouldn't know, but if some of them are doing it just to be nice then it doesn't count it's not paranoia I'm sorry I didn't know I didn't mean to be one of Those People I didn't know that was normal
of course I'm afraid she'll leave me no one wants their friends to leave them that's how friendship works I'm just really bad at it I'm bad at being human
I don't have patterns of closeness and distance I've only ever really been that close to one person and my other friends are normal friends that's how everyone's friends work I'm just not a good enough friend
my patterns of binge eating and then not eating for three days every once in a while are because of depression not an eating disorder on their own I just like to power trip on the rush I get from hunger
it's autism that brings my constant anger and that makes it so hard to stop when it surges up haha I typed surges as surfs at first haha surfs up dudes
and I already know my hallucinations only come when I'm dehydrated AND haven't slept well and I dissociate on purpose and that time it wasn't on purpose it was a side effect of medication and hallucinations don't even have anything to do with BPD even if I DID have it which I don't ? I don't fit the criteria and I only "relate" to all this stuff because I like to imagine situations that aren't real
if I had BPD I would have been close to more people and it would have fallen apart never mind the one person I've gotten close to is too abused to ever leave me even though she SHOULD! I'm no better than they are but she won't listen and I guess it's because I validate that they're bad but that doesn't make me good abusers can do "good" things sometimes that doesn't make them good but I can't abandon her it has to be on her terms it's the least I can offer right!?
Im getting fondant this weekend maybe
like I know all of this is just me projecting but like the opposite of projecting, thinking I see myself in a place where I'm not, I don't know
I know I don't have BPD! she's an expert she knows better than I do! which means I need to stop! I can't quite call it pretending, because I don't claim the label or anything, but I don't know a better word for it so I'll call it pretending anyway--I just need to stop "pretending" to have BPD
get more sleep, it'll be better if I just take care of myself
but I don't want sleep? I want to leave my body and it's easier when I don't sleep too much I don't want to be too grounded tomorrow I like being able to leave
but all of my problems are self caused
and I could be a better person I just know I'm not going to be
why am I spending money on fondant when I could be spending it on I don't know we have plenty of stuff going on here at the very least I could donate it to the local cat "shelter" or something? fondant won't keep me alive
why did I buy four bowls of the expensive macaroni when I already had the cheap kind? why can't I be satisfied with the normal bananas
I've been wasting so much money
I meant the chocolate as a nice gesture but I worry
giving gifts is nice but am I doing it to control her? I don't want to hurt her I just want to give her things but when you think about it that's what a lot of abusers do they pile on the gifts and spend all that money to prove how great they are
I guess part of me wants to see a disorder (that I don't even have) as an "excuse" which is really awful and I won't blame any of you if you don't want to associate with me after learning any of this
(that's not reverse psychology by the way please keep in mind everything I have admitted here)
today in the shower I ripped two acne scabs off my shoulder and the blood made nice dome shapes it made me think of lava domes and volcanoes are pretty cool (even though Heatran is ugly)
anyway yeah
I guess it's a good thing a lot of my anger is directed inwards...like at least I've got the right target, huh
but that doesn't change any of the other stuff about me being abusive and ableist and selfish
I might delete this but I probably shouldn't
it's my guilty conscience that finally brought me to post this and it's my guilty conscience telling me I should leave it here for everyone to see so that you're not tricked into thinking I'm a good person to be around
long story short I'm not a good person and I'm sorry I always pretend to be |
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 21, 2017 23:50:41 GMT -5
oh but you know if this were real I wouldn't have thought to put it in a spoiler you see? I'm a fake
when I bind it only takes me down to a B cup
I need to exercise control
I can't let myself freak out over every little thing
she's fine
I'm okay didn't you read the post there's nothing wrong
I've been seeing the hallucinations a lot lately
usually they're just flashes of people going around corners or through doors, sometimes branches that I seem to have missed,
one time I saw and felt a branch hit my face and I stumbled, nearly fell, and looked up to find that there was no branch, there was no tree
my headache won't go away anymore but it's not as bad usually as it used to be
never forget that my entire image here is a fraud
I want to punch the wall
I have intrusive thoughts but do I really? they're my own thoughts they come from me they're not intrusive they're mine
I don't know who I am except I know who I am and it's someone who likes to pretend to be someone else
I don't have any real problems they're all a product of my refusal to take basic responsibility for myself
I'm sorry |
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 22, 2017 0:06:31 GMT -5
and I want to blame the person who first put this idea in my mind but realistically I'm to blame and that's just another example of me trying to blame anything except myself for a problem I caused |
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Post by Brownie on Sept 22, 2017 10:47:42 GMT -5
I would put a bunch of comforting words but I'm really not good at that so I'll just say what I think instead.
I think you're an amazing person. I've always respected you, more so than most forumers on here or even people in real life, and knowing that you're struggling with yourself but still are projecting kindness and everything to everyone else. You're the most determined person I know. Like, how can you write a six book fanfic series??? Most people can't even finish one. Not to mention the comic series, which is on a plane of its own.
Your humor makes me laugh, your posts make me think, and whenever you make a thread I always have to check it out because they're always something interesting. You've inspired me to do so many things I never would have thought of on my own. I don't remember how many times I fell into a rabbit hole of wikapedia articles over something you've referenced.
I can't say I understand your problems. No one can ever really say they understand fully another person, especially when their only interactions are boxes of text on a cat website. But I can relate to so many of the things you posted. I had a really rough time this last winter/spring. The whole package of self hate and questioning who I was and all that jazz. I was about to be thrown out into the quote on quote real world to do real adult things and it scared me so much that I hardly ate or slept for months on end. To make things worse I also got my first real big crush at the EXACT SAME TIME all that was going on which made me even MORE insecure cuz guess what I now had to deal with being gay in the mix of all that.
Honestly college helped me so much. (ALSO HOW DID YOU DO THAT WITH YOUR AVATAR??? I just moused over now and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh) back on track um. Anyways I was always very introverted. I always thought people were judging me so I wouldn't say anything to anyone and I never trusted anybody. tbh I still don't trust anybody, but I figured if anyone wanted to judge me there's always a whole 30k other people I can talk with.
I guess I'm weak too, since to me being this extroverted person that talks to others is putting on a mask. It isn't the real me, but it makes me feel good. People talk to me and aren't scared by my ugliness (indisputable fact, my face is so much acne it scares most people away). I can show parts of my real self on top of this extroverted mask and those are the parts I choose to show so I can feel comfortable with it.
I just went with friends I just met at college to the mall yesterday just spontaneously and that's something I never would have been comfortable done before. But it was a blast and I'll never forget doing it, though I almost threw up waiting for them to pick me up due to the anxiety of it. I almost remember that feeling more than what we did at the mall but I still don't regret it because it showed me that I can be stronger than my anxiety (a battle I've rarely won; most the times I've just called again and said I can't go)
but I digress, that's not what I really meant to be getting at here.
Understanding and accepting yourself is a big step, but it's an important one. You probably know/have heard this already but it's so true. It really helps to start with things you like: music, tv, video games. Put yourself out there, even if you have to wear a mask to do so. Because every lie has a grain of truth and you can use those little bits to build yourself up again and understand who you are. I always imagine that scene from eragon and him learning his true name.
I went on a bunch of tangents but I guess what I really just want to say is that I miss you and I miss talking to you and when you're not okay it hurts because I really, really want you to be okay because you're an amazing person and I want you to keep being amazing. |
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 22, 2017 11:43:46 GMT -5
that was a really nice post thank you
I still think I'm at fault for a lot of my "problems" but it was nice to hear
(this part is the simplest to respond to so I'll get it out of the way now: my avatar thing is a prize for the Fanatic Challenge; I pointed out that I technically didn't even win it, but I was told that I could basically be an honorary winner for catching mistakes; the person who was supposed to provide art has given nothing but radio silence so this was a sort of Other Prize and I don't know if this is "unless and until real artist gets back" or "maybe the intended prize will be added later too")
anyway you said a lot of really nice things and I don't really know how to respond but thank you
masks don't have to mean weakness
hey my face is covered in acne too! I got prescribed clindamycin phosphate and benzoyl peroxide gel, which has been really helpful, but also helpful has been this "Mario Badescu" wash I got at a beauty store (or whatever they're called) (the wash helps a lot with pain and redness BUT the first few times I used it my face bled overnight BUT my sister didn't have that problem so I think my skin was just that bad)
I might be going to walmart with Breccianose tomorrow (we are in the middle of nowhere--the closest regular grocery store is a mile away and walmart is too far away for me to walk) which isn't as exciting as the mall of course but it's something (and last Friday night we and some of her other friends tried to go to one of the extra libraries on campus but it turned out to be closed but we ran into a piano technician and he played three different organs for us and showed us the basement full of piano parts) uhhh mystery Mareep!? I think one of my eggs hatched and just didn't show the egg animation (Pokémon go)???
I'm sorry both for the problems that you have going on and for worrying you with what I posted (which I shouldn't have posted; I won't delete it but I do acknowledge that it wasn't really the best thing to go on about, especially at one in the morning, but I guess that is when I lose my filter, huh)
I miss talking too; you can always talk here
and I mentioned this to Maple already but I'm kind of thinking of rewriting AtA both to bring it a little closer to my original vision and to leave it more open to a potential sequel just in case
you're a great person too and I hope you're doing okay edit: accidentally put [spoiler[ at the beginning so it didn't work at first |
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 23, 2017 21:49:27 GMT -5
tod was bi visibility day and I didn't even know??? I could have at least worn purple or something
I think I technically came out to Breccianose I guess
and Walmart didn't have any fondant but I bought six cans of chickpeas!
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 24, 2017 19:05:58 GMT -5
kind of want to get struck by lightning and maybe eat some cheesy potatoes |
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 24, 2017 19:38:41 GMT -5
Breccianose had cheesy potatoes for dinner yesterday
I ate doughnuts and I wish I hadn't
I just like to make problems about me that's what I'm doing here
she would be better off without me but it would be the change that would really do it and that can't be allowed |
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 24, 2017 22:05:07 GMT -5
okay I've been stressing for a while so I want to go make a bowl of microwave macaroni but there's this cute girl from my math class who's like always in the kitchen and I don't want her to know how much microwave macaroni I eat what if she's there!!! here goes nothing 😬
update: she wasn't there which is good in that she didn't see me making macaroni but bad in that I didn't get to see her
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 25, 2017 21:38:54 GMT -5
man I love blocking people it's my favorite thing right behind making microwave macaroni with additional sharp cheddar cheese mixed in I do NOT love when olive jars are too difficult for my weak hands to open or when I can no longer buy baguettes because they go moldy within a week  |
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 25, 2017 21:42:01 GMT -5
today there was a stack of dirty (I think?) cups in the kitchen with a post it note attached that said "Sinner" here it is I haven't drunk milk in so long I just want a nice glass of skim milk but there's no way I'm buying it because then I have to drink it all on my own and I think I would have to take the shelf out of my fridge and then where would I keep my cheese and cold water jug |
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Post by Brownie on Sept 26, 2017 10:41:17 GMT -5
you can probably buy them in quarts or half gallons?
that's a few glasses worth but doesn't take up much space ^^
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 26, 2017 10:59:07 GMT -5
that's true but next issue: I don't want to wash cups
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 27, 2017 17:12:06 GMT -5
today I saw someone carrying what looked like a purple yoga mat and two rugs--one of which was black, gray, white, and purple and one of which was black, gray, white, and green--and I don't know maybe it was a coincidence but it made me happy |
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 28, 2017 12:51:36 GMT -5
time to write the paper I was planning to write last Sunday  I've just been uhhhh preoccupied with...Not Good things (but not MY things) (I'M fine) |
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 28, 2017 22:17:02 GMT -5
update: Mistypool's* room is right next to the dorm kitchen which explains why she's in there so often
also I wrote the paper and it's like the worst thing I've ever written but maybe they'll think I'm clever because I put a couple subtle jokes in it 😵 and I still have to do my astronomy homework
*cute girl from my math class who knows how much macaroni I eat
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Post by tiger beetle on Sept 30, 2017 15:41:14 GMT -5
hey look an update! 3250 - 5 - 3255 3260 - 94 - 3354 |
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Post by tiger beetle on Oct 2, 2017 12:04:37 GMT -5
Adderbite will always be first in my heart but I appreciate Gorsetalon and Sablefoot more with each passing day could I have been found by a better group than them
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Post by tiger beetle on Oct 2, 2017 20:23:27 GMT -5
recent regret: not talking to that guy in my astronomy class who one time ran in like 20 minutes late, accidentally kicked my chair (but apologized), sat next to me, bolted out at the end of class, and then realized that there was a more convenient exit than the one he was planning to use I was scared maybe he was mad because uhhh I don’t know |
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I've just been uhhhh preoccupied with...Not Good things (but not MY things) (I'M fine)