ᴛʜᴇꜱᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀʏꜱ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʙɪɴᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴏɢᴇᴛʜᴇʀ, ꜰᴏʀᴇᴠᴇʀ - H&S

Ham knew he had no right to apologize, but he did it anyway. Someone had to, right? And if it wasn’t him, who would? Kelsier would, a small voice inside him insisted, but he ignored it. He didn’t know whether Kelsier would or not, and really it didn’t even matter. What mattered was the fact that Bianca was dead, and there was no way to undo that. No matter what reasons there had been, no matter what it had accomplished...it wasn’t right. Ham closed his eyes against the flood of emotion he felt when he imagined that happening to one of his children. He couldn’t imagine that, not now. He didn’t understand what Nico had gone through, no one did, but he thought he knew what it was like to lose someone you loved very much.
It destroyed you from the inside out, slowly and painfully. It ate away at you, an invisible parasite, until you were nothing at all. Still, he apologized, not to make it better, but because it was all he could offer this boy.
He wanted to promise protection. He wanted to say everything would be okay, but he had already decided not to lie to Nico, and he wasn’t going back on that now. He could, of course, promise that he would argue for Nico’s safety, but what was the point in offering that when he didn’t know how that would go?
He, too, found a haven in philosophy. Not because he thought it didn’t matter, but because it was something he genuinely couldn’t help thinking about anyway, so it was a relief to be able to talk about it.
He smiled a little sadly at Nico’s cynical view of the world. “Sometimes, I’m sure, that is the case.” He agreed with a small sigh. “I wish it wasn’t. But I think, I’m general, people are good. Laws are people’s way of trying to figure out right and wrong, and apply it to the world around them, and my evidence for that is that there are laws that have no way of benefiting their creator. Such as the fact that the creators of the law aren’t allowed to excuse themselves from it punishments.”
Usually. He had to admit that that wasn’t a watertight case, but then again, he wasn’t completely sure he was right in this case. He’d given it a lot of thought, and come to the terrifying conclusion that he couldn’t be sure laws had any business being followed.
“Not my best case.” He added reluctantly. “As I don’t think the current rulers are just, and therefore the current laws aren’t based in justice after all. But I think the general idea is relatively sound. People are capable of putting others before themselves, they’re just also capable of doing the opposite, and sometimes you can’t tell what they’re going to do.”
Then he heard, barely, Nico’s last whisper, and his heart seemed to break. Nico was trying his best, that much was painfully clear, and Ham wanted nothing more than to lend him a hand and help him to his feet, but he knew the boy would never allow that. So Ham resolved tonight help him in other ways, smaller ways, ways he wouldn’t detect at all and would probably never even know about.
Like distracting him from his fear on a day he thought was his last.
He pretended not to hear. Instead, he moved on, settling into a more comfortable position by the door. “You might be wondering why such an upstanding citizen is in a thieving crew. Like I said, I don’t think the people in charge right now are just. So, in that respect, I agree with you. The current laws are made selfishly and cruelly. But not all laws have to be that way.”
His smile deepened. “Why do you think we do what we do? We’re going to take back this world from the Lord Ruler and we’re going to prove that rulers can do the right thing.”

Ham’s eyes closed for just a second. Of course, it wasn’t a surprise that Nico felt that way (it was how the nobility thought, after all), but it still….hurt, a little, he supposed. Or maybe not hurt. Maybe it was just that he hadn’t expected it, that in spite of himself he had thought Nico would be different.
Clearly a mistake. It didn’t change the fact that Nico was a kid, or that Hammond wanted to protect him, but it did give him a sharp reminder of who he was dealing with here. This wasn’t an innocent Skaa child. This was a young nobleman, with a nobleman’s beliefs and lifestyle and everything in that head of his put there by noblemen. He didn’t think that meant much in itself. He wasn’t Kelsier after all, he didn’t think all the noblemen deserved to die and he certainly didn’t think their children did. But it did mean Nico was still a threat, and that he would be wise to treat him as such. Regardless of his appearance, and the sound of his tentative voice.
“He’s not a god.” He replied just as bluntly, his tone still gentle but losing some of its previously light tone. “He’s just a man, and we’re going to prove it. Kelsier is going to prove it.” And he believed that. He really did. Who else was there, after all, who still hoped like Kelsier did? Who else was left who dared challenge the lord ruler, the man people swore by and called their god for lack of any other? Ham didn’t know any.
He didn’t think there was anyone else left. Kelsier inspired people, which was why this crew existed in the first place, but outside of his influence? The people were scared, not angry, and it would take a hell of a lot of anger to stir up a rebellion. Kelsier had that kind of anger inside him.
The Skaa didn’t. At least, if they did, they were doing a poor job of showing it.
“I know.” He agreed softly, opening his eyes to gaze at the ceiling. “I know we would. What makes you think that isn’t the plan? You’ve seen Kelsier in action, haven’t you? Do you really think he’s going to spare a single one of them?”
He wasn’t asking. They both knew the answer. “For what it’s worth, I don’t want to. I wish there was another way, but the fact is that the nobility like it the way it is now because it serves them. Skaa are dying, oppressed, and hurt in unthinkable ways. Do the nobility care? Do they try to stop it? Or do they sit back, drink in hand, and watch the show?”
He wasn’t bitter, not really. He was honest. The nobility didn’t care and they both knew it, Ham because he’d been undercover and Nico because, well, he’d been one.
Been. Not currently was. Because there was no way Nico was going back to that life, whatever happened in the next few hours. Whatever happened when Kelsier returned, Ham knew Nico could never go home again.
He couldn’t help the selfish wish that maybe, someday, Nico could call this place his home. But it doubted it.
“I suppose we don’t know until we try.” He continued, shaking away his thoughts like flies as he did so. “But it would be hard to be worse, I expect. It’ll be like that with anyone who tries to lead; you won’t ‘know’ if you’re the right person for the job unless you try. But either way, I wouldn’t be leading myself. Kelsier would.”
There was no point lying about that part. Nico would have to face Kelsier eventually, and whatever happened afterwards, they’d both have to deal with it. “Kelsier is the type of man people follow. I’m sorry, but he really does inspire people with hope, usually. I’m sorry for what he did, I truly am, but please know that that isn’t the only side of him. There’s more to him, just as there is to everyone.”
“Thank you.” He added, smiling just a little bit as Nico wished him luck. “We’ll certainly need it, in case the Lord Ruler does turn out to be a god.”
He fell silent, lost in thought. What would happen to Nico when Kelsier returned? Hammond didn’t want to think about it, but he didn’t have much of a choice, because as Nico had noticed everything seemed to lead back there. Talking about the Lord Ruler thinking about Kelsier and the nobility and the Skaa...it all came back to the boy sitting being the door. The boy he was guarding, defending, and imprisoning, all at the same time. Ham shook his head again, letting a soft sigh escape him.
“Nico?” He asked softly, finally breaking the silence. “What would you do, in my place?”

Ham was less upset and more...reminded of who he was speaking to. Reminded that Nico was the son of a nobleman, a member of the nobility himself, and more than anything, the boy who had tried twice to kill Kelsier. And maybe there had been reason, maybe there had been an excuse, but it had still happened. Hammond couldn’t afford to forget again who Nico was, no matter how much he wished it were otherwise. And he did wish things were otherwise. He wished so badly that he could call Nico a simple Skaa boy in need of help, a boy they were keeping here for his own good and not because of what he’d done. That wasn’t to say he had any intention of killing him though. He was still a kid, in spite of everything, in spite of the things he’d done and the things he probably planned to do. Hammond felt himself torn, between wanting to treat Nico like a kid and wanting to treat him like a threat. How was he supposed to do both? Because that’s what Nico was.
Both.
A child weapon. More specifically, a child who had been turned into a weapon. Ham felt a stab of anger towards the people responsible, the people who had decided they’d rather have a tool than a kid. It made Ham feel sick, and angry, and confused, because it wasn’t the usual cut-and-dry Skaa child being used and abused, and though Ham was far from prone to thinking simply, this wasn’t a situation even he had thought of before. It was...unsettling.
“You’re right about that.” The Thug murmured, leaning his head back against the door with a gentle sigh. The Lord Ruler was no man, not now, if he ever had been before. He wasn’t a god, but he wasn’t a man. What was he?
Something else. Something broken, maybe, something powerful and dangerous and something to be defeated. And defeat him they would.
They had to. Especially Kelsier, had to.
He didn’t hear the words Nico murmured or he might have reacted to them, not badly but with surprise. What nobleman would dare utter such words? To a known criminal, no less? But he didn’t hear, and so he carried on without noticing how huge of a statement it was.
Hammon listened to Nico try to speak. The next words were hard to hear, but he suspected they were even harder to speak, especially for someone who didn’t know whether they were true or not. And Nico really had no way of knowing, that much was abundantly clear. How would he? Who would have taught him what was real? The nobility? Ham nearly snorted at the thought, it was so absurd to think of the nobility teaching anyone the truth and not lies. But he restrained himself, letting Nico finish before saying anything at all. “There is a divide.” He agreed softly, keeping his tone as neutral as he could. He didn’t want to frighten Nico, or dissuade him from opening up further, after all. He hadn’t expected to get this much out of him, but the boy was lonely and he was an open ear. The rest fell into place. “But it’s not the one you were told. The Skaa are not inferior creatures, they’re humans who think and feel and love. I would know, being one of them.”
He hesitated. “I think all humans are selfish, honestly. I’m not sure they’re capable of being truly selfless, and I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. I know Kelsier would disagree with me here, but I think humans being selfish doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Humans have to take care of themselves, or they can’t take care of anyone else. I don’t know if I’m selfish in the way you mean. I like to think that, for humans, I err on the selfless side, but it’s hard to tell really. For what it’s worth, I don’t consider talking to you to be a sacrifice on my part.”
He fell silent, listening. He could hear the tears in Nico’s tone. He knew the boy was under an incredible amount of pressure, he knew this was too much to put on a child, but there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing but sit here, on the other side of the locked door. Hearing him out. Answering him, even.
Hammond’s heart broke at the next words. If you’re going to kill the nobility, kill all of them. In other words, don’t leave them alive and in pain. Don’t put them through the same agony he went through, don’t put them through hell. And he wouldn’t. He promised himself he wouldn’t make the mistake Kelsier had made.
When Nico answered, Ham felt his broken heart truly shatter. Because Nico clearly didn’t expect to make it through the day, let alone a week from now. Because Nico hadn’t given up, not really, but he knew that there was nothing he could do. Those two things sounded like they should have been the same, but Ham knew they weren’t, not really.
Giving up was a choice.
Knowing you were doomed to fail either way wasn’t.
“I’m not you, though.” He said very, very quietly. “And I did decide to talk to you. And I promise you I won’t look away. Because I won’t wash my hands of this, whatever happens. I’m not innocent, and I won’t pretend to be, not to you and not to Kelsier. I don’t know what’s going to happen to you, but believe me when I say that I’ll shoulder whatever responsibility I have to.”
He wasn’t sure what else to say. He wanted to reassure Nico, tell him his suspicions were unfounded, but were they really? Kelsier had killed Bianca, he knew that. What was to stop him from killing again and finishing what he’d started?
Hammond. Hammond was there to stop him. But would he? What was the right decision here? He didn’t know, and that knowledge was like worms in his stomach.
He forced his tone to be even, his voice not to tremble, as he spoke. “I won’t look away. But I will ask him to make it quick, if it comes to it. I promise you that.”

Ham’s sense of morality was, perhaps, a firmer thing than most of the others was, but that was because he’d devoted a lot of time to it. Some (Breeze) said it was too much time, but Ham needed to know exactly what he thought and why he thought it before he could move forwards. He couldn’t do anything without a list of reasons why. It wasn’t really a flaw or a quality in his opinion, it was just as much a part of who he was as anything was, and it was important to him. It wasn’t as though he thought things were black and white though. Things were as gray as the mists that blanketed the land and the ash that choked it, and Ham was just a man who cared enough to try and find his way through it. He thought it would be a very frightening thing, to know nothing about where you stood in the dark world you lived in.
Maybe that was why he felt so strongly for Nico. Because Nico was just a kid, of course, but also because Nico had no way of knowing what he thought about anything, not just the hard bits but the “obvious” bits as well, like the fact that the Skaa were not less than the nobility, and the fact that the Lord Ruler was a corrupt man who either thought he was god or pretended to. These were practically self evident truths to Ham, but to Nico they were just as vague and difficult to pin down as any tough philosophical issue, maybe more so. And then Kelsier had gone and proved everything he’d been taught since birth right, by murdering his sister right in front of him. It made Hammond feel sick.
“You’re right.” He managed, his voice steady in spite of his swirling emotions. “There shouldn’t be. And maybe the fact that there is proves your theory that the laws themselves are corrupt, or maybe it doesn’t. I think that everyone is equal, you think the Skaa are naturally under the nobility, and I’d bet anything that Kelsier believes the Skaa are better than the nobility by more than a little. There’s a divide because we don’t agree on the truth, and that divide will only grow if we don’t do something to stop it.” Like bringing the Lord Ruler down, for example. What would happen afterwards was hard to imagine, but it couldn’t be any worse, could it?
He grimaced. Of course it could be worse, much worse, but just because you could possibly make your situation less ideal didn’t mean you shouldn’t try and make it better if you could. People were dying, children starved in the streets while the nobility hosted balls and turned a blind eye, surely that was something worth fighting. Ham didn’t believe that the world was inherently cruel, after all. Not like Nico did. He believed that the world was shaped by humans, each one a different shade of morality, and that hope was alive. They were keeping it alive.
If only Kelsier hadn’t killed Bianca. If only Nico hadn’t tried to kill Kelsier in return. If only the nobility would fall of its own accord and the plants would be green again, but wishing was a pointless exercise and he knew it. The Thug closed his eyes and wondered what Breeze would say to him for getting so invested in one small, flickering life.
Probably that Hammond was a sentimental old man who thought too much. He smiled, just a little, at the thought. Because it was probably true, and as much as he tried to be as tough as his title, he always seemed to fall just a little bit short.
He opened his eyes, letting the pause stretch between them like a tangible thread, and forced himself to face the real possibility that Kelsier was returning to kill Nico as they spoke. It seemed so unlike the passionate image his friend had, and yet he had sometimes seen Kelsier when the Mistborn was drawn to fury, and he knew that the blood wouldn’t leave his hands, not ever. He’d seen Kelsier fight and kill before, and he’d seen the fierce, terrifying light behind those hazel eyes almost as often as he’d seen them light up with humor. In the end, he knew Kelsier, light and dark.
Which meant he didn’t know what to expect. One couldn’t always predict a man like Kelsier, because he was as likely to behead someone as he was to welcome them with open arms. He wasn’t completely out of control (In Ham’s humble opinion, he sometimes brushed the line a little too close) but he was...complicated was perhaps the best word. And though Ham couldn’t believe this was all an act, Kelsier probably could. What would they do when he returned?
For a moment, he thought maybe he would defend Nico from Kelsier’s wrath. He could picture it in his head; him standing in front of the door, Kelsier’s fingers closing around the hilt of a glass dagger, his eyes flashing as he spoke, ordering Ham out of his way. What would he do if Ham refused?
It was a futile thought. This was war after all, and like it or not, Nico was on the wrong side. They couldn’t trust him, by his own admission. He had tried to kill Kelsier twice already, what was to stop him from succeeding on his third attempt? The thought of Kelsier, dead, burned Ham’s mind.
It took Nico’s quiet voice to pull him back into himself, and he let out a breath, trying not to betray how much this was affecting him. “Doesn’t work like that.” He answered gently. “Kelsier will listen to me if I ask him not to…” what? Hurt him? They both knew Kelsier would listen to exactly no one once he made up his mind. Hammond tried another approach. “He won’t be angry with me for asking. I know you’re used to the nobility, with their complex politics and intricate social conventions, but here, we’re just friends doing our best to make it out alive. Kelsier is my friend. He’ll take my input seriously.”
I’m afraid.
Something wet slipping from Ham’s eye, and he reached to brush it away. Just two words, but they cut him, deeper than anything in their conversation so far. He wanted to hold Nico, stroke his hair and tell him he was safe, but instead he just sat on the other side of a locked door, and struggled to find something true.
Whether he would have been able to comfort Nico or not was uncertain, because at that moment the front door opened and a man in a trailing gray and red cloak stumbled in, his face hidden in a hood and streaked with mud. He closed the door behind him, turned to face the room...and collapsed.
-
When Kelsier opened his eyes, he was lying on a stiff couch and looking at an elderly ceiling. His brain felt as scattered as broken glass, but as he sat up slowly, he realized he wasn’t alone and that brought a smile to his face in spite of the ache in his left shoulder. Stab wound. He remembered that happening.
“Did they track you?” Was Clubs’ first question, which wasn’t even dignified with a response. Did he look like someone who would allow themselves to be tracked? Slowly, as the others prodded him, the story came back to him and he told them what had happened.
He’d gone to check out Nico’s story, which had the unfortunate little detail of being in enemy territory. And not just a little bit, either. Kelsier had been doing fine, even gotten close to discovering exactly what had happened when they’d found him.
Steel Inquisitors. Not just one, either. Three of them, all approaching suddenly and without apparent urgency. Something in their relaxed movements chilled even Kelsier, and he ran as fast as he could go, leaving behind the evidence for them to find.
They hadn’t cared, though. They’d been after him, not scraps of clues to a meaningless puzzle. The chase had been exhausting and had cost him more than his metals, and once he’d been forced to shove his way past two of the Inquisitors, earning his wound and his freedom at the same time. Then it had been a matter of making it back, which was why he’d been late. Apparently it wasn’t easy to travel unnoticed when you were actively bleeding to death.
He was alright now, though. Pewter really was something special.
“Nico?” He asked at the end of it. Breeze nodded towards the hall, where Ham still sat against the door. Kelsier hesitated for just a second before getting up and striding over to the door, where he motioned Ham aside.
“Hello Nico.” He said through the door, keeping the pain of his wound out of his voice as best he could. “It seems we’re in a bit of a difficult situation. I didn’t get the proof, which puts us right back at square one.”
He looked at Ham, who looked back, something...off about his expression. Kelsier couldn’t quite read it. Had they been talking? The idea made him uncomfortable for some reason, though he wasn’t quite sure why, other than maybe the idea that Nico was no manipulating his friend. He turned back to the door. “I’m going to keep trying, but until then we need to talk about what happens next, and I need some answers. Can I come in?”

Ham didn’t really believe that Nico didn’t exist, even though he had the feeling Kelsier might. He believed in people, he believed in life, and he believed in hope. He wouldn’t say that everyone had a happy ending necessarily - he had no way of knowing that. - but as long as you were breathing, you had a shot, right? And Nico was breathing, so Nico was alive and could still figure out who he was. That was Ham’s opinion on the matter, even if he didn’t expect anyone to ask.
Maybe it came from being a father. It was a lot harder to be cold when you’d give your life for you family without hesitation, though somehow Kelsier seemed to pull it off just fine. Maybe that was because his only family was already dead, killed by the people. - person - he hated most. Would Ham be able to kill so mercilessly if the Lord Ruler slaughtered his wife and children? He shuddered starts the thought and blocked it out; it was too awful even for him to contemplate.
And yet, he was a Thug. He was the muscle of the crew, the one who was at the front line of every fight, the one who had to kill because of who he was. And true, he was grateful that he had something to contribute, but sometimes he thought pewter was wasted on him and his philosophy. Someone like Clubs would have been better suited to such an ability, or so he assumed.
And then there was Nico; Mistborn. Nico; who according to Kelsier had tried twice to kill him. Nico; who spent a good bit of his life up to now plotting vengeance for his sister, the girl Kelsier had killed. It wasn’t that Ham didn’t understand the situation, it was that it seemed so stupidly avoidable that it would have been funny, except it wasn’t funny at all. Why couldn’t Kelsier have spared the children and killed the father, who was the real problem?
He’d have to ask him, later, when Nico wasn’t listening. At the moment, such a question would sound a lot like insubordination to his young ears, and even though Kelsier wouldn’t get angry, he didn’t want to put him in that position.
He moved aside for Kelsier, letting his thoughts scatter like leaves in a sharp wind. He knew, really, that this was between the two Mistborns, that he didn’t have a say in the life or death of Nico di Angelo. None of this was okay, but it was up to Kelsier now.
-
Kelsier listened at the door, and Nico’s response, instead of quelling him, made the fire inside him grow a little hotter.
“I’m giving you a chance to have some autonomy here.” He pointed out coldly, but didn’t open the door, not yet. They both knew Nico was completely at his mercy. He didn’t have any need to rub it in his face. Besides, he knew Nico was scared, would have known that even if he hadn’t heard his voice tremble. Here he was, trying to decide whether Nico was a child or a nobleman, when he knew that really Nico was exactly both at the same time. Which was infuriating, because it didn’t really fit inside his head.
He knew that was a problem in his view of the world. He’d just never had to face it and own up before.
This was like walking on thin ice. He didn’t know where to step. He didn’t know how to handle this, but he didn’t look at his crew, because this was his mess and he’d be damned if he let someone else clean it up. He hesitated, then, in a flat tone: “I’m coming in.”
And he opened the door, stepped inside, and closed it behind him. Shutting out the curious eyes of the others. They meant well, of course, but their prying eyes would only make this harder, and if Nico tried to kill him it wouldn’t even be a real fight. One of them had metals and years of proper training. The other had a little tin and something Kelsier couldn’t even think of as training at all.
He looked at Nico. The boy looked smaller, somehow, and his eyes betrayed him; he’d been crying. It didn’t soften Kelsier towards him much, but it did make it harder to pretend the kid wasn’t human.
“I’m going to need to ask you some questions.” He said carefully. This was the hard part. Asking the right questions, getting the right answers, and figuring out what he was supposed to do now. “I’d appreciate it if you could be honest with me. For your own good as well as mine. All right?”
He thought about sitting. The bed was too close to Nico though, so after a moment he crouched on the floor in as comfortable of a position as he could manage. “All right. First, I’m ‘bothering’ because honestly I don’t know what to do in this situation. You’re a nobleman, and I kill noblemen.”
He wasn’t going to promise not to kill Nico, either.
“I want you to tell me what Minos said or did that made you kill him.”
That seemed like a good place to start, or at least as good a place as any. It wasn’t like he had a script for this after all. Truthfully he didn’t really know what he was doing, he was just winging this, even though it was something he probably really shouldn’t be winging. Wasn’t like he had much of a choice about it, though.
He wasn’t going to kill Nico unless he found a damn good reason to.
He watched the boy’s face carefully, looking for anything that might clue him in to what the boy was thinking. He needed answers he could trust, and he didn’t know whether those were going to come from Nico.

Kelsier watched Nico, his expression as cold as ice as the boy spoke.
“All right.” He agreed, letting none of his inner struggle bleed into his tone. “Suit yourself. I need answers, and you have them, and I might not let you live but I haven’t decided yet. And while we’re being completely honest, I may add that you should have killed me when you had the chance.”
He didn’t want to do this. He wanted Nico to be a faceless nobleman or a Skaa child, not this…not this impossible mix of both. Were you unaware of the fact that noblemen have children? He silently mocked himself, because it was true. How had he gone so long without encountering a problem like this before?
Because Nico was a very unusual case, that was how. So was Bianca. It was unlike Kelsier to have gone specifically after a nobleman’s child, but in this case he’d thought it was necessary. He’d thought he was doing the right thing.
Now, looking at Nico, he couldn’t help but wonder whether he’d made a terrible mistake. She’d been a child. He was a child, and he was obviously trying not to look afraid as he stared Kelsier - his death - in the eye.
He was a good deal braver than a lot of adults Kelsier had met, perhaps himself included. He wished circumstances permitted him to tell Nico that.
“Never?” He asked, pushing away his own painful thoughts and focusing on his words, and the irony behind them. “You’re ahead of the rest of the human race by a lot, then. But I won’t call you a liar until I have proof of it.”
The truth was, he didn’t know what he was going to do. He could act in control all day, and when it came right down to it, he was as lost here as Nico was, lost in his own decisions and their effects. And lost in what the future might hold. He didn’t look away from Nico, holding the boy’s gaze carefully, like it might break if he looked too hard.
And he waited for the truth.
When it came, it surprised him. Maybe because he hadn’t really been expecting it at all, maybe because it wasn’t the truth he’d thought was coming, but either way he didn’t react. He looked at Nico, waiting for the boy to say something else, to take it back, to try and save himself. But he didn’t.
He’d already accepted his death.
That was the only real explanation Kelsier could think of. People lied when they were scared, they lied to save themselves when they were threatened, and sometimes they lied for no reason at all. And here Nico was, telling the truth when it was only going to dig his own grave even deeper.
Why?
“I see.” He said softly. Because he didn’t know any of the things in Nico’s head, he didn’t know what Minos had done or how Nico had been treated, he didn’t know that Minos had lied. All he knew was what Nico told him, here, in this room. The future stretching between them like a thread of spider’s silk. And all he could do was work with what he had.
“And who else have you killed for disobeying you? Who else have you punished? Did the Skaa suffer your anger as well, or were they beneath your notice?”
He was angry now. Nico was a nobleman after all, it seemed, just like he’d thought. He’d been wrong about everything, about Nico being a child in need of protection, about Nico being more like the Skaa than like his nobleman father. He should have killed him before, he should never have wasted metal on him at all.
He was too soft, he realized. Too prone to trust. He held that like a badge of honor, but at the same time it came back and wounded him, struck him from behind when he wasn’t watching it. Like now, when his desire to trust had gotten him into this situation and forced his hand before he’d had a chance to think.
And he knew he wouldn’t stop, either. It was a part of who he was, as much as anything else was, and even if some people he trusted with his heart smashed it to pieces, he would trust again and remain unbroken. That was what it meant to face your pain, or at least, that was how he faced his.
He gazed at Nico, his attention both on the boy and the door behind him. He knew the others were there too, listening and trying to guess what it was he would do.
Let them guess,
“Who else have you killed?” He asked softly, his gaze intent as he stared at Nico. Willing him to answer, as honestly as he had before.

Kelsier stared him down, and deep inside he accepted to challenge. Nico wanted to know why Kelsier had let him live? Fine. They were going to find out right now whether or not that had been a mistake, and whether Kelsier was going to have to fix the situation before it got any more out of hand. It would be easy enough to kill him where he stood, easy enough, he thought, never to look back. Hadn’t he killed enough of the nobility by now to be used to the feeling of their cold blood on his hands?
Then again, he had spared Nico. Why was that? Had it been a stab of mercy at the sight of a child struggling to breathe, or regret for the life of his sister? Or maybe he’d just expected Nico to die where he lay, and the thought of finishing him off had seemed…cruel was the wrong word, but it was the closest thing he could think of. Looking at Nico now, he supposed maybe he’d thought he wasn’t seeing a nobleman at all. The boy didn’t look like a nobleman. Did he look like one of the Skaa?
No. No, he looked like a strange hybrid between the two. That was why Kelsier felt his wills colliding in his heart, the will to slaughter the nobility and the will to protect the Skaa. That’s what this conversation was, really. It was Nico accepting his fate, and it was Kelsier trying to work out where Nico belonged, dead or alive, and it was his crew judging him for whatever choice he made. It was a decision he might regret for the rest of his life. And it was a boy with dark, frightened, angry eyes that stared straight into his soul and tore him with something that felt almost like remorse, though he told himself it wasn’t.
“Good. Lying won’t do you any good.” He said finally, and though he didn’t look away, it was as though a part of him did. He didn’t want to see the emotion in Nico’s gaze any more, he wanted to see a face he could steal the light from without regret, like so many before it. Why couldn’t he have just killed them both on a night when he was sure it was justice?
Of course, there was so much he didn’t know. Of course there were moments he had no way of seeing, and times when he would have comforted Nico had he known. But in this moment, all he saw was a monster who never gave two coins about anyone’s life but the one he yearned to end, and his expression darkened like a storm on the horizon.
Nico’s reaction to his accusations managed to surprise him. The fierceness of his anger, the depth of his emotions threw the older Mistborn off, just enough for his fury to dim and something else to show. Something a little closer to human.
Because from the way Nico was talking, there had been an agreement of some kind between him and Minos, something Nico had had to do in order to secure Minos’ help in his assassination attempt. Which, in that case, meant Minos had gone back on his word and Nico had killed him for it.
“You killed him for refusing to help you.” He said flatly. He was determined, it seemed, to see only the worst of the boy in front of him, to find a reason to end his life. “For going back on his word. Why didn’t you find someone else? Surely you could have found another Mistborn with a grudge against the Survivor of Hathsin, one who shared your desire for revenge against me. Or hadn’t you noticed? I don’t have a lot of friends.” He was being serious, but there was a biting irony in his tone as well, a bit of his old humor glistening through the cracks in his anger.
And Nico was afraid. He realized that, now more than ever. Was he more afraid of dying or living?
I didn’t kill anyone else.
Kelsier thought he was telling the truth. It was strange, to believe the word of someone he expected to kill at the end of this conversation, but he did, and he usually trusted his instincts. Which left him...where? With Nico having only killed once, and then in his anger when a man he trusted had lied to him. It didn’t fit the image of Nico in his head, and that was unsettling all on its own.
The next words were even more unsettling.
That I know of!
“That you know of?” He demanded, his hazel eyes narrowing to slits. “That you know of? What’s that supposed to mean? How could you possibly take a life without knowing it?” Was he prone to murdering in his sleep, or was he just being as truthful as he possibly could and including situations that had only a very slight chance of being possible. The wild look in Nico’s eye made him think he wasn’t being toyed with, but it was hard to accept that. He wanted to end it now, he wanted to walk away. He wanted to never look back.
He thought about it, but he didn’t move, not yet. “Fine. In that case, tell me why. Why didn’t you kill anyone else? Why didn’t you go back to your father?”

Kelsier narrowed his eyes, Nico’s words penetrating deep inside of him. Of course, Nico wanted to be the one to thrust the dagger through Kelsier’s heart, of course he did. This was personal, between the two of them. He couldn’t pretend there was no reason behind it, like there sometimes was when it came to other Mistborn wanting him dead. They wanted his head on a stick because he was the Survivor of a place you weren’t meant to survive, let alone escape, and that fact made him a target.
It would have been wiser if Nico had sought help. Then he could have had a crew, and made a strategy, and caught Kelsier when he was alone on a mission. They could have ambushed him and what chance would he have had against them? If Nico had gone to the Inquisitors, maybe things would be very different right now.
But he’d had to do it by himself. And now here they were, Kelsier alive and Nico at his mercy, with nothing but a choice between them. Kelsier’s choice now, and Nico’s choice before, when he’d spared the older Mistborn.
He shouldn’t have spared his sister’s killer. He should have killed him when he had the chance, and moved on with his life. Kelsier had no desire to die, but he also had the decency to accept that if he lost a fight he was fair game. He thought back to the Pits, remembering Mare’s gentle touch on his shoulder as she was led away from him. He had lost there, too, and again he had been kept alive, not out of mercy but out of cruelty, forced to find atium for the Lord Ruler. The Pits, where he’d earned his scars one at a time, day after day, as he struggled to stay alive just like everyone else.
They shouldn’t have spared him, either.
They were all dead now.
And Nico had thought he didn’t need help. Against Kelsier. He could see into Nico’s eyes that he didn’t believe he was going to live through this, and he couldn’t say he was wrong about that, considering how this conversation was going. It would have been better, perhaps, to never have brought him back here at all. But he had, and so he watched Nico, and he noticed suddenly that the boy was shaking.
It reminded him too much of the Pits. The difference was that it was he who was keeping Nico alive now, not out of mercy but cruelty. An uncomfortable feeling of wrongness squirmed alive in his stomach, and he took a step forward, closing the distance between the two of them just a little as Nico backed away.
And he smiled. It wasn’t a kind expression, simply an acknowledgement of Nico’s point. “Depends who’s dying.” He answered with a terrifying chill to his tone, like he didn’t care at all about the people whose blood stained his hands. “I have no remorse for the noblemen I’ve killed. I’ve never felt the slightest bit of guilt for taking their lives. As for Minos, if you’d killed him for better reasons I would have commended you for saving me the trouble of doing it myself. But you killed him selfishly, because he lied to you, and you’re dangerous. I can’t trust that you won’t hurt my friends, or that you won’t try to kill me again. I can’t trust you.”
Nico was right. He enjoyed ending the lives of the nobility, one at a time. He enjoyed stealing from them and giving rich gifts to his crew, and to the Skaa in general. People like the nobility didn’t deserve the air they breathed or the blood that pumped through their veins, so Kelsier took both from them and watched the light drain from their eyes with a smile. He didn’t mistake himself for a good person, or a pure person. He knew not everyone could kill the way he could, with no remorse. That was fine with him.
As Nico made his next answer, Kelsier’s eyes narrowed even more, and he took another step towards Nico. He stopped himself before he came too close, but he was still probably closer than was comfortable for the boy. “Did Hades want to avange his daughter?” He asked, because that was what made sense to him. It was the response he had expected, and he’d been surprised when no more than a token few Mistborn were sent out in response to Bianca’s death, as though it hadn’t bothered Hades much at all. “Don’t tell me you want me dead because your father ordered you to, I don’t believe it. This is much more personal than that. If you did have my head, what then? Would you go back and live peacefully ever after in your castle?”
He didn’t believe that for a second. If Kelsier were to die, hope for the Skaa would die with him, and Nico would be in serious trouble. It payed to have friends who knew how to carry out a mission properly, after all.
He let Nico continue, and finally it was something that made sense to him, although it considering this was Nico he was still surprised. “Killing me hurts a lot more people than you could possibly predict.” He answered bluntly. “I’m hope. You kill me, you take away the Skaa’s hope for a better life, for an end to the oppression.”
It sounded stuck up.
Maybe it was.
“If you wanted to kill me, you should have done it.” He said again, and the anger in his eyes dimmed slightly, not vanishing but not quite as hot either. “It’s too late now. We both know how this is going to end.”
He was out of questions. He looked at Nico, and then he slipped a glass dagger from hos pocket and asked one last thing.
“Do you have any last words?”

Kelsier watched Nico’s expression carefully, searching for the panic he usually saw in those about to die. It was there, of course, but what was missing was the blustering, the lies told to spare his own skin when he deserved to die and he knew it. Instead, Nico faced him, not unafraid but refusing to let it rule him. A glimmer of respect twisted in Kelsier’s gut, despite his best efforts to squash it down, and he gazed at Nico with steady hazel eyes. Unflinching.
The older Mistborn wouldn’t hesitate. He’d ended enough lives by now to be used to how it felt, and their conversation had proven what sort of person Nico was, hadn’t it? The sort who killed anyone who got in his way, and cared nothing for the lives he ruined on his path to revenge.
So, like you, then.
He clenched his teeth hard as Mare’s voice shoved the truth under his nose. He was trying so hard to avoid thinking about that, he didn’t want to be compared to a nobleman, especially not by his own traitorous brain. He was nothing like this...this nobleman’s son, he was nothing like the sort of people he killed almost daily. He refused to believe he was anything like Nico, in any way. Because that would mean he was a hypocrite, and he didn’t want to believe that.
Besides, Kelsier wasn’t cruel, not really. He did what he needed to do but he didn’t take pleasure in other people’s pain, not unless they deserved it...did that make him cruel? He thought of it as justice, but from another perspective, maybe he was just a killing machine with no sense of morality.
It was a difficult thought, but once it was there, it was hard to dismiss. Kelsier’s fingers gripped the dagger like it was a lifeline, and his eyes found Nico’s, amd they were wild, fierce and uncontrollable. He wondered how Nico felt about having taken a life. He was used to it, but he knew that there were people who found it changed them deep down, in ways they couldn’t take back. Was Nico like that, or did he not care about what he’d done? Did he feel remorse? Did he wish things had gone differently?
Looking at him, Kelsier was forced to conclude that he probably did. He looked so young and scared, standing with his back against the wall, and for a split second Kelsier found himself thinking that for someone who believed in hope, he was a mess. He was going to make the same mistake again. Taking a life to solve his problems, hoping no one came to avenge a stolen child this time, it was the same tale over again and he knew it. And here he was, knife in hand, ready to do what he had to. And Nico, for better or for worse, was ready to die.
Who was he? An angry, bitter man who wanted revenge more than he wanted peace. A shell that pretended to be whole, not for the sake of his crew but for his own selfish reasons. Because the person he loved with everything he had was stolen right in front of him and he couldn’t deal with it. How sick was that? Here he was judging Nico for how badly he had taken his sister’s death, while he himself refused to deal with Mare’s loss. The two were eerily similar, both stolen suddenly, both killed right in front of them. The loss had impacted both of them so drastically, and yet Kelsier was blind to any pain but his own, is seemed. He wasn’t disgusted with himself, but it did make this all the more complicated. And Nico had known that there wasn’t a world where he got away with the death of the Survivor unscathed. He’d known the consequences and had chosen to act regardless.
His eyes sharpened as Nico continued, and his thoughts lay forgotten as he took in the boy’s next words. “Don’t presume to tell me what I do and do not care about.” He said with quiet, deadly calm. “Don’t pretend to know me or the reasons I act. I won’t say that I don’t enjoy hurting the nobility-“ his lips curled. “-but I don’t have to explain myself to you. I don’t have to pretend you deserve to be told the details of my life.”
He was terrifyingly angry now, too angry to think. There were similarities to their stories, of course, but that didn’t mean he thought for one second they were the same. Nico had eaten at banquets while other children starved, had enjoyed the warmth of a fire on nights when the Skaa froze in the dark mists. Kelsier was Skaa, and Nico was nobleman, and that set the two of them worlds apart. There wasn’t a bridge that could bring them together, at least, not one he had any knowledge of.
He was going to do it. He knew how to make it quick and relatively painless, and he didn’t really want Nico to suffer. He leveled the knife at Nico’s heart, prepared himself to strike….
And Nico’s last request struck him like a punch in the face. Spare the cook. An innocent Skaa in Hades’ house, someone who had nothing to do with any of this...and that’s who Nico was thinking of as he prepared himself to die? It was so unexpected that Kelsier didn’t move, frozen to the spot...until Nico through himself towards the knife.
“No!” He snarled as the glass imbedded itself deep in the boy’s stomach, barely missing his heart. Suddenly blood was everywhere and a small body was falling, and Kelsier lunges forward to catch it, the hilt of the knife slipping from his grasp as he instead cradled the weight of the child in his arms.
He checked. Nico was still breathing, but shallowly, very shallowly. “Damn you, Nico.” He hissed under his breath, and looked up sharply as the door crashed open, faces appearing on the other side, staring at him. Ham, Breeze, Clubs, Docks, even Spook gaped at him like they couldn’t understand what they were seeing...didn’t they understand?!
“Help me!” The Mistborn snapped, and Ham flashed to his side, hands on the wound, trying to stop the blood as it escaped and stained their hands, their clothes, the floor, it was everywhere.
“What happened?!” Ham asked, his voice uncharacteristically sharp. Kelsier shook his head rapidly and stood up, then stopped, eyes on his hands.
They were covered in blood.
“Kelsier!” Ham snarled, and Kelsier snapped out of it and ran, shoving his way past the others, not caring who he smeared. They needed something to close the wound, bandages, something….
He knew what they needed.
And even now, he knew he couldn’t give it. To save the life of a boy he had been prepared to kill?
Could he risk giving that same boy the power to take his vengeance?
He didn’t have to answer that question, because Sazed appeared, a vial of clear liquid in his hands. Kelsier stared at him, and Sazed didn’t move, didn’t smile or frown, as he handed it over.
“Pewter.”
The single word shocked Kelsier, and he took a step back, but Sazed followed him, offering it more insistently. “Kelsier, he needs it. If he’s going to die because of your pride, let him at least die with us having done all we can.”
It wasn’t like Sazed to speak so bluntly, almost angrily. It was that, more than anything else, that caused the Mistborn’s hands to close around the glass.
When he returned to the room, Ham was there, and his shirt was missing. It took Kelsier a moment to realize why, until he noticed the cloth pressed against the wound in Nico’s stomach, the knife still protruding at an odd angle. Ham looked up, and Kelsier moved forward, and before he could think better of it he put the vial to Nico’s lips and tipped it up.

Kelsier watched as Nico’s body accepted the pewter and began to flare it immediately. He could tell, he could sense the metal working its way into Nico’s body, beginning to fix the damage the glass dagger had done. Nico was, of course, unconscious, but he was alive and Kelsier slowly started to breath again.
Which meant he had time to think about what he’d done. What Nico had done. Nico had been so ready to die, so determined to do it on his own terms that he’d forced Kelsier’s hand before Kelsier himself could decide what he was going to do. Would he have attacked anyway? Maybe, in some odd, twisted way, Nico had saved himself by trying to end it all. Maybe Kelsier would have attacked and left Nico’s body without regret if he’d had a moment to think, instead of seeing a child nearly die when he hadn’t made his choice yet. Maybe things would have been easier then, because if the choice had belonged to the older Mistborn...what would he have done?
Seeing Nico now, the weapon imbedded deep in his stomach, Kelsier felt sick. He had done this. He had started it when he’d killed Bianca, and he’d been ready to finish it, tonight. He’d been ready to end Nico’s life right here, right now.
He looked at Ham. The Thug’s face was contorted with pain and worry, like it was his own child who had been injured. He didn’t look back at Kelsier, though it wasn’t clear whether that was because he was angry with the Mistborn or whether he was simply too engrossed in the drama happening right in front of him to pay any attention to anyone else.
Breeze looked grim, almost...disappointed? Perhaps he’d expected all this to end tonight, and couldn’t understand why Kelsier was being so indecisive as to stab a child and then save his life, again. Which was reasonable. Why had Kelsier done that?
He had to work to remember he hadn’t actually stabbed Nico. He’d been going to, yes, but then he’d hesitated and maybe he wouldn’t have gone through with it at all, he didn’t know. He supposed, really, it didn’t matter what he would have done, it mattered what he had done and that was enough to put Nico in this situation, wasn’t it? He looked down, and something like shame and regret pierced his heart like a hot knife as he realized that maybe what he’d done was worse than just killing the boy.
He knew what it was like to love the one you loved right in front of you, and be powerless to stop it. And yet, that was exactly what he’d done.
-
Sazed watched the situation unfold, as Kelsier seemed to retreat into himself and Ham fought for Nico’s life, fought harder than he did even when he was locked in a struggle either physically or mentally. It was like he was fighting for one of his own sons, though Nico wasn’t, not really. He was the son of a nobleman.
Which made it all the more surprising that he was still breathing. Sazed looked around at his fellow crew members, searching each face and realizing that while some saw a child, others saw a nobleman, and that was where the divide rested.
What did he see when he looked at Nico?
He looked. He saw the son of a nobleman, a broken boy who’s shoulders hunched under more pressure than anyone should bear, let alone a child. He saw a brother and a son, though both sister and father were gone in their own respective ways. And he saw someone he thought he could grow to care for, one day, which surprised him. He wasn’t as angry as most of the others, for sure, but he was not on the side of the nobility who had hurt him and his beyond repair. He would never side with people who had done so much cruelty.
So why did he feel the urge to show mercy?
Because Nico was not the ones who had hurt them. Nico had been hurt the same as all of them, by mostly the same people with the exception of what Kelsier had done. Sazed looked at Kelsier then, and saw him looking back at him, studying him for...what?
Their eyes met.
Sazed inclined his head in a question. What are you going to do now? He wondered silently, and held Kelsier’s stare until the Mistborn looked away.
-
When Kelsier looked away from Sazed’s penetrating gaze, he looked back at Nico. The boy looked...not peaceful. If he was honest, he looked hurt and small and scared, and a protective urge went through him like a shudder, making him want to back away like it was he who had any right to be afraid of Nico. Which it wasn’t like that at all. Nico had tried to kill him, sure, but in the end he hadn’t gone through with it, and Kelsier still didn’t know what he would have done if Nico had given him the chance. He didn’t know whether he would have spared Nico’s life, or even whether he would have regretted his death. And that thought unsettled him more than he wanted to admit to himself, let alone anyone else.
Then Nico moved and Kelsier’s attention snapped back to him, watching him like a hawk as his eyes opened and he tried to sit up and immediately failed. Things had been happening while he was lost in thought (read: in shock) it seemed, and the knife had vanished, leaving Nico’s stomach wrapped in clean white bandages that they couldn’t afford. And yet, apparently they could. He looked up and realized that the others had mostly disappeared, only Sazed was left sitting in a corner reading a book, and apparently paying them no attention. Right. Like he believed that for a second.
Kelsier looked back at Nico. The boy obviously had no idea anyone was there, or he wouldn’t have dared let his eyes close again. He was grateful for that, at least, grateful that Nico could rest before he had to be terrified again. And what was Kelsier going to do now, anyway?
He could kill Nico, he supposed. He could make it look like Nico had died in his sleep if he chose, so as not to make his crew any angrier with him than they already were. He thought about it, but he didn’t move to harm the boy, not even with a twitch of his fingers that might have suggested he was seriously considering it. Because, if he was completely honest with himself, he knew there was no way he could kill Nico, not now that he’d saved his life twice in a row.
He swore silently, cursing himself for getting into this situation in the first place. If he couldn’t kill Nico, he’d have to care for him. Keep him locked up, maybe, though that was hardly any less cruel. No, if he was going to keep Nico here, he’d have to keep him under watch but not locked up, not all the time. He wanted to do this right so much it hurt, and he didn’t know how to stop messing this up, and he didn’t know how to explain what he was doing even to himself.
So he didn’t. He sat and watched Nico breath, and then he watched as Nico, obviously now without pewter, forced himself to sit up. He opened his mouth to tell the kid to stop, to rest, but nothing came out.
They both knew that the moment Nico realized Kelsier was there was the moment any chance of rest would die.
He wanted to put that off as long as possible. But he knew it was coming. He looked at Nico’s contorted face and hesitated again, then spoke, his voice as quiet and gentle as he could make it. “I can’t give you any more pewter. I’m sure you understand why. You’re not out of the woods yet, but I think you’re going to be just fine now even without pewter to help you.”
He fell silent again. What was he supposed to say? He had the absurd urge to apologize, even though that would do absolutely no one any good at all and would probably sound to Nico like some kind of sick joke. So he waited, letting Nico react however he needed to.
In the corner, Sazed turned a page and continued to pretend to read.

Had Kelsier been expecting anything short of a complete panic attack as a reaction to hearing his voice, he probably wouldn’t have felt the wave of relief crash over him as Nico cringed away but didn’t scream or cry or try to escape.
Not that that had really been his style up to now, but there would have been no judgement from the older Mistborn if he had. Under the circumstances, it was incredi that Nico was still able to hear his voice without going for the nearest thing-that-could-be-used-as-a-weapon, even if it would be impossible for him to defend himself at the moment. A weird tingle of….pride?.... slid through Kelsier’s body without his permission, and he didn’t move for a few minutes as he tried to work that one out. If only he understood why he couldn’t just let Nico die. Maybe then he could explain how he’d gotten himself into this situation, and he could figure out how to get out of it instead of just making it worse, as he seemed to keep doing.
And somehow, Nico seemed to be handling it. Kelsier didn’t really understand how he’d managed to survive this long on his own, let alone keep coming back every time Kelsier beat him down, but he did it and he did it and he did it, again and again and again. He met Nico’s eyes as best he could, and Nico was the first to look away but only barely. Kelsier had stared down far worse, but somehow meeting those dark, dark eyes seemed harder than anything he’d done up to now. How strange was that?
It had been a group decision to use the bandages, or at least the Mistborn thought it had been. He hadn’t been a part of it though. Not because he’d been excluded, but because, as he now realized, he’d been almost as out of it as Nico had been. He didn’t know how long he’d sat staring as they worked around him, or how long Amico had been unconscious, but he knew it had been longer than the short flash he’d actually been aware of.
The great and mighty Survivor of Hathsin, paralyzed by the near death of a boy he was supposed to hate. The Lord Ruler would’ve sold someone else’s soul to hear all about that one.
He watched Nico as the boy became more aware of his surroundings, and saw the light of surprise in his gaze as he realized he’d been bandaged up. No, that wasn’t where the surprise was coming from...it was coming from the fact that he was alive at all. Kelsier, from Nico’s point of view at least, had been about to kill him. Why go to all this trouble to save his life? if only I knew the answer…
The question was not why this had happened. The question was, what were they to do about it now? Kelsier knew they couldn’t let Nico loose after this, but could they keep him here safely either? What if he escaped? We’d have to move, that’s all.
He was trying to reassure himself that he hadn’t screwed up as badly as he thought.
It wasn’t working.
How in the world was he getting out of this one?
Ransom honestly hadn’t occurred to him, but it wouldn’t have been an option anyway, seeing as Nico was now a fountain of information they didn’t want getting around. And the fact that he didn’t think his heart could have taken it at this point, but they weren’t talking about that part right now. They weren’t talking about how he was suddenly as mushy as a bowl of stew.
Me neither, he wanted to say, but he bit back the words and forced himself to seem in control. “You would have died without it.” He said instead, willing his voice not to shake, his tone to sound cool and unconcerned. Instead, he sounded like he was: uncertain, confused, even a little bit afraid. He scowled inwardly, but his outward expression remained a cool, passive mask. Only his burning eyes betrayed his emotions.
Because Nico was right. Nothing about this situation was fine. He studied the boy’s face, careful not to meet his eyes, and wondered which boy was the real one. Was Nico a nobleman, or a child? That was the question he was failing to answer.
“How are you feeling?” Sazed asked from the corner, apparently deciding that Kelsier wasn’t going to get around to asking that question. He stood up, put the book down gently, and approached the bed, carefully maneuvering Kelsier aside to make room for himself. “Don’t say you’re fine. I only mean, how bad is the pain right now?”
Sazed was trying to break up the tension, Kelsier could tell, but he wasn’t at all confident that it could be done. He felt as lost as a child, helpless and unsure of himself, and he hated it. It made him want to kill someone if he was brutally honest with himself. Maybe he was just as messed up as Nico was, and ending the nobility was a coping mechanism, not a heroic attempt to save the world. He smiled grimly at that thought, because what did it matter why he did it? He knew, better than anyone else, that he couldn’t stop.
He was a killer. The only question was who felt his anger.
“Kelsier.” Sazed said gently, and the older Mistborn looked up, surprised. The Terrisman was watching him, and Kelsier got the impression he was seeing right into his soul. “Kel. He’s not out of the woods yet. Perhaps it would be best if we leave him alone to rest for a while..?”
Kelsier looked back at Nico, and his expression softened a little. Saze was, as usual, right. He smiled a little at Nico, a small, almost sad smile, and when he answered it was careful, quiet. “I don’t know.” He admitted. “I don’t know what happens now. Sazed is right though, you need to rest. Do you need anything before we leave you alone?”
Alone. Mostly alone, anyway. Nico wasn’t going to be allowed to be truly alone in a very long time, if ever. But he didn’t need to say that out loud.

Kelsier was about to say no, it wasn’t what he’d wanted at all. The words danced at the tip of his tongue, but he didn’t release them, because he didn’t know whether they were true. Was it what he had wanted? He had thought he did, in the moment, but now he wasn’t so sure it had ever been what he’d actually wanted to happen. He’d hesitated, he’d saved Nico’s life earlier, he hadn’t acted like someone with an enemy at all. Yet, he’d been the one to aim a knife at Nico’s chest and prepare to end his life right there.
What the hell was he doing?
It was, at least, true that if he hadn’t decided to give Nico pewter, the boy would be dead by now. The wound, while it hadn’t touched his heart, had been very severe and Nico had lost a lot of blood even with the healing effects of pewter in his body, how much more if he’d been forced to try and survive like anyone else? Like he wasn’t a Mistborn? Kelsier knew from experience that, even though he was no longer dancing with death, without pewter healing would be long and painful. His traitorous heart begged him to allow the boy more pewter to ease the process, but he turned away from it, ignoring the stab of guilt piercing with unfamiliarity into his chest.
He wasn’t used to feeling remorse at all. If this was what other people felt when they ended a life, even a life such as one of the nobility...maybe that explained why they thought him cold for what he could do. He sat, musing to himself, while Nico spoke to Sazed and told the first lie since he’d come here.
“Either you are fine or you just lied. Sarcasm counts.” He contradicted, and there was almost a smile to his tone, before it vanished into something more serious. “You’re not fine. You nearly died, and you still might, especially without pewter. What were you thinking, Nico? Didn’t you see me begin to lower the knife?!”
White-hot anger flared up I’m his hazel eyes at the last words, and he stood up, turning away from both Nico and Sazed in one fluid movement. It was true. He had begun to lower the knife even before he had made his decision, and that was why it had struck Nico in the stomach instead of the heart, where Kelsier had been aiming. He realized with a flood of cold certainty that if he hadn’t lowered the weapon, even that tiny bit, he would have a corpse in place of Nico. The thought was surprisingly upsetting. His traitorous heart again stung, squirming in his chest like something alive, and he exhaled, trying to calm himself. Getting upset wouldn’t do anyone any good.
He turned back to Nico, his eyes serious, his hawkish features touched with a light frown. “But you said you’re fine.” He amended. “So maybe you are. As close to it as ever, anyway.” He was referring to how badly injured Nico seemed to be every time their paths crossed, never mind that it was always Kelsier’s fault. “Let’s not get too caught up in that. The question is what happens next.”
He broke off as Sazed shot him a look, and he glanced at Nico, puzzled until he saw why the Terrisman had looked so reproving.
Nico was asleep.
Kelsier couldn’t help the way his face softened, or the way the frown left his forehead. He simply watched him breath for a very long minute, until Sazed touched his arm and they left the room together, closing the door softly behind them. Later, Kelsier would fret that he should have put a blanket on the boy, Breeze would snort and leave the room, and Ham would calmly point out that it might have woken Nico up and that Kelsier had probably done the right thing.
—
Kelsier sat still, right outside Nico’s door. The others had tried to make him rest, but he’d refused, even though his wound from his earlier excursion still ached despite the steady burn of pewter healing it. Ham specifically had offered to take his place, but in the end Kelsier’s stubbornness had won out and now he was alone outside a closed door, wait to talk to a boy who wanted nothing to do with him. Besides, perhaps, to kill him.
He wondered, not for the first time, how he’d gotten himself into this. It had started that night when he’d been angry and decided to carry out his assassination plan ahead of schedule, when the others had been asleep and unaware of his movements. He thought back, remembering that night with crippling detail.
A mission had just gone wrong. They’d failed in their attempt to get more atium, and really it had been Kelsier’s fault, though he knew Docks would protest. He’d gotten too hasty, too confident, and a Mistborn had come up behind him and hit him over the head, hard.
Kelsier remembered stumbling and trying to turn, then feeling another blow and suddenly he’d been on the ground. He must have his his head because everything was spinning, and then he was on his back and the stranger was on top of him, knife to his throat.
He didn’t hesitate.
Kelsier remembered a sharp pain, then shouts and curses and suddenly he was running, fleeing the mansion he’d been attempting to rob. Later he knew that a Skaa had come up behind the man and hit him, just at the man had hit Kelsier, but in the moment all he knew was that his neck was bleeding and his mistcloak was stained red, and the world was tilting and he could barely keep his balance.
He hadn’t gone back to his crew. For them to see him like that, bloody and empty handed, it had been too much.
So he’d turned around and headed for House di Angelo.
—
Kelsier opened his eyes. It took him a minute, but after blinking and trying to get his bearings he realized that he was still outside Nico’s door, and he must have fallen asleep. Swearing under his breath, he pushed himself back into a sitting position, then hesitated. Nico must have been awake now, right?
He knocked lightly on the door. “If you’re awake, I’m coming in.” He spoke just loudly enough to be heard, hopefully not enough to wake the boy if he were still asleep. He got up, brushed himself off, and quietly opened the door to see whether Nico was awake.

Kelsier watched as Nico tensed, and quietly closed the door behind him. Not to keep anyone in or out, not really, but because he didn’t like leaving it hanging open behind him. It always felt like there was someone looking over his shoulder.
The scabs that had formed on the palms of Nico’s hands were bleeding again, he noted with some surprise. He had expected those to heal by now, but perhaps the pewter had had other things to worry about? He didn’t typically pay any attention to his own wounds unless they were life threatening, so he didn’t really know how pewter worked with minor injuries like those ones.
When Nico opened his eyes, Kelsier didn’t look away. He knew he deserved it when Nico cringed, but it still hurt. He didn’t know it was the light stabbing the boy’s eyes, after all, and assumed it was just him.
He listened, and a small frown creased his forehead as he seriously considered what Nico was saying. Because he was right, wasn’t he? They were locked in a pattern now, apparently unable to break out, and here he was about to start it all over again by coming in here without a solid plan like Docks had suggested. He was reminded uncomfortably that his crew had no idea he was even in here alone, and probably wouldn’t like it if they did know.
He raised an eyebrow at Nico, and the frown disappeared, an almost playful expression slipping into his hazel eyes. “Are you saying it’s my turn?” He asked innocently, and pursed his lips, his thoughts flitted across his mind like shy birds. They did seem to keep repeating themselves. In which case, Kelsier wanted to do something different this time around. He didn’t want to kill Nico, that much was clear now, and he didn’t think it was going to change this time, which was a start already. If he didn’t decide to kill the boy, they would have to have a serious conversation about what he was going to do with him, because setting him loose was out of the question. If letting him go and killing him were both out, there was only one real choice left.
They would have to keep him here. Indefinitely. Oh, Breeze was so not going to like that. Well, it wasn’t his decision. And Kelsier wasn’t exactly known for making all the popular choices, was he? He’d gotten them into this mess in the first place bu doing something - technically two things - they didn’t agree with, what was another unpopular decision to make without consulting them? He almost laughed at himself, but he didn’t, because this was neither the time nor the place to laugh. Nico wasn’t a humorous matter no matter how you looked at it.
He was silent for a few minutes, watching Nico as he touched the bandage Sazed had carefully wrapped him in, and his eyes rested on the red streak. It seemed fitting, somehow, that Nico’s hands would leave a stain on the clean fabric, even though it was Kelsier’s hands stained red, not his. The older Mistborn’s gaze flicked back up to Nico’s eyes, and he tilted his head very slightly, considering the question with no sign that he thought it was unfair.
Why?
That was the question, wasn’t it? Why? Why had he started to back down, why hadn’t he simply put the dagger in Nico’s heart and ended all this the way he’d started it? It was what they’d both expected, standing on that room, and it was what he’d planned to do from the moment he’d walked through the door. So why?
He wanted to answer. He wanted to have an answer to give, one that made sense and explained his behavior, but the truth was that he didn’t know. He was a killer, and he hadn’t killed. It went against what he stood for, it went against his reputation, and it went against justice. Desperately he tried to summon up any sense of hate towards Nico, for being a nobleman and for what the noblemen had done to the Skaa, were currently doing. He searched Nico’s face for anything left to make him so angry he wanted to take the life and crush it, but all he felt was a hollow sense of remorse for what he’s done to Nico’s sister. To Bianca.
Remorse. It was an interesting emotion, to be sure. It had taken him a long time to place it, because he hadn’t really felt it before, not that he could remember anyway, but there it was. He was sure that was why his stomach twisted and turned, and his heart ached. He was either guilty or poisoned, based on those symptoms, and he knew he wasn’t poisoned.
“Because I had decided not to kill you.” He murmured, then louder. “I was deciding, anyway. I can’t tell you why because, to be completely honest with you, I don’t know. I wish I did. Maybe it’s because you could have killed me once and instead you saved my life, and you could have left me for the inquisitors and you didn’t. Maybe it’s because I’m losing my edge, I just don’t know. But I do know that you’re wrong.”
He didn’t want to be here, and he did want to be here, and he wasn’t sure how this was going to go. All he knew was that he had to try and make this right, however he could.
“This isn’t pity.” He stated, shaking his head. “This is me trying to figure out what to do next. Because this isn’t going to loop this time. I won’t kill you, not even if you make me angry enough to want to, and I’m done acting like I’m going to. I won’t kill you, and I won’t release you, which means we’re going to have to find something else to do with you. And,” he added after a moment’s hesitation. “In case you were wondering, I won’t leave you in here alone to rot, either. That’s hardly better than killing you, after all, and I may be a monster, but I’m a monster with standards.”
He smiled then, and it wasn’t the smile he gave the people he was going to kill. It was the sort of smile that promised hope and said there was a way through this mess, somehow, and they could make it out alive. He didn’t think Nico wanted hope from him, but he’d be damned if he didn’t try.

When Kelsier looked at Nico, it was hard for him to say what he saw. A boy, yes, but a Skaa boy? A nobleman boy? Something else? And more importantly, who was this boy going to become if he was allowed to live? Kelsier didn’t want to create a miniature version of himself, he didn’t want to mold Nico in his own image. He just didn’t want anyone else to do it either. But why, why did he care, why was he trying when he could just let it go? It would be so easy, if not to kill him, than to let someone else do it. The thought made Kelsier feel sick, but there it was anyway, out in the open like poison. And he couldn’t take it back no matter how badly he wanted to.
But he wouldn’t do it. If Nico was to die, it would not be a task Kelsier would duck out of. He wouldn’t be a coward if the time came to do something so distasteful.
But he’d also given his word, and he didn’t give that lightly. He meant what he’d said. He wouldn’t kill Nico, not now, not after everything they’d done since that first night they met. It was too late for that now, so they’d have to figure out another way to get through this. Maybe even together.
He didn’t have much hope for that. But...he was the Survivor of Hathsin, wasn’t he? Hope was all he had in the end.
“This is my move. He said softly, his expression careful and guarded and still somehow genuine. His move was talking, solving his problems without violence. Or trying to. He didn’t know yet whether he would succeed, and he didn’t even really know what his goal was yet. All he knew was that he couldn’t kill Nico and he couldn’t let him go, and those were the only two options that immediately came to mind. What was he supposed to do now?
He was supposed to stop asking himself that, is what. He snapped at himself just to talk, and think and work out the problem. A glance at Nico told him that the boy didn’t believe this for a second, but that was alright because they had time. In fact, time was about all they did have now.
“It doesn’t matter why.” He said finally, willing himself to sound calm and in control. It didn’t matter why Nico was still alive. It didn’t matter why Kelsier, who killed all the time, couldn’t manage to take this one life. It didn’t even matter why they’d saved each other. What mattered was what they were going to do about it.
And an idea, slowly, began to unravel in the back of Kelsier’s mind. It wasn’t even a conscious thought yet, but it was there, and once it had begun to exist it was near impossible to stop it.
Nico’s next words almost did it, though. Kelsier’s face flushed, the only outward sign that Nico’s words were having any effect on him at all, because he was so still and silent. If he’d been any more impulsive he might have stood up and walked out right then, angers flooding his body like adrenaline, but he stayed where he was and tried to think through his fury. “No,” he said flatly, and forced himself to relax. He was not going to lose his composure five seconds after promising he wouldn’t kill Nico. He was not going to lose his temper. Nico wanted to play this game, Kelsier could do it too. “If you must know, I’m going to train you. I’m going to teach you how to actually use your abilities like you’re supposed to, and I’m going to do it whether you want me to or not, so don’t bother arguing. So no, you are not going to be my ‘pet’, you’re going to be my apprentice. You can tell me what you think but don’t yell at me, because I haven’t thought this through at all or told anyone else about it, and honestly I think I’m already going to get chewed out enough without you doing it too.”
His brain was on fire. What had he just said? He couldn’t believe he’d just blurted all that out when he’d actually just barely thought of it about a minute ago, hadn’t talked to his crew about it, and hadn’t actually decided to do it. Maybe he just wanted to see Nico’s reaction, or maybe he was wrong and he’d decided to try and train Nico from the moment he’d decided not to kill him, he didn’t know. What a mess he was, not even knowing why he did half the things he did. At least he wasn’t trying to pretend he wasn’t a disaster.
His gaze darkened as the boy went on. It would have been different if he believed Nico was actually what he claimed to be: deadly terrifying and impossible to communicate with. And yet their conversation had proved otherwise, because how else could this be explained? Nico’s fear was so real it leaked out and hurt Kelsier too, how could you fake that? And the older Mistborn didn’t think he would be so easily fooled in any case.
He still listened though. What Nico was saying rang horribly true in his head, because he was right, there was nothing to stop him, nothing but a decision stretched thin between them. The decision Kelsier could still take back, the decision to train or to kill. Because that was what it really boiled down to now, wasn’t it? He’d decided not to kill, but why? Again, he was reminded that he knew next to nothing about Nico, that the boy was giving him reason after reason not to give him a chance, and that maybe he should listen. But looking into Nico’s eyes….
“No.” He said again, and this time his voice was firm. “I don’t believe you’re going to do that. I’m not going to allow you to have any weapons, and I’m going to keep a guard on you at all times. I have every reason to kill you and not look back. But I’m not going to.
He wouldn’t go back on that, no matter how angry Nico made him.
“Try and make me kill you all you want.” He went on, voice cold. He didn’t sound very gentle anymore, but he didn’t sound as angry as he had either. Now he just sounded…
Determined.
Determined to get it right this time.
He was done screwing this up.
“Life is like that.” He answered softly. “Heartache. I’m not going to end it now. For better or for worse, my mind is made up and we’re both going to have to deal with it however we can. You’ll have to find a way to live, because you can forget about dying. I meant what I said. I’m going to train you, and we’re going to see what happens when I do. Understood?”