Post by Arrow↠Deirdre on May 16, 2019 14:50:47 GMT -5
So, I decided to submit the first page of my futuristic spy-fi book into a contest and thought I'd share it here just for the kicks xD
Any and all feedback is appreciated! Especially on the highlighted part below, because it was a problem paragraph for me.
Out of all the concoctions in the world, mixing elements of time and darkness produce the strangest results. Minutes pass like hours. Hours tarry along, disguised as days. Yet in this case, Agent Neva clung to every trickling second. She didn’t know how long she was lying underneath the scorching Iranian desert, surrounded by the rough stones of an underground aquifer, but there was no doubt in her mind that each grain of sand slipping through the endless hourglass was precious.
She was so tired of sand.
Every fiber of her body screamed as she struggled to pull herself up against the tunnel wall. How was the carved sandstone still cool while she threatened to ignite? She relished the soothing chill against her scraped and stinging hands even as her knees trembled beneath her, warning her before they gave out. She crashed into the soft ground, a grunt slipping past her cracked lips.
It’s just disorientation making me unsteady, Neva reasoned. She rolled onto her stomach, propping herself on her elbows. The pounding in her head would pass. There was no pain besides her hands. Then again, she could barely sense anything beyond the pins creeping up her legs and jumping between each vertebra of her spine. She could rest later, with an ice pack in one hand and food in the other. Any food as long as it was fresh.
She gathered a lungful of the thick, musty air and cried out, “Ranger!”
Panic’s claws dug themselves in, wrapping around her ribs as the silence grew. A growl of frustration ripped through her scratchy throat and she resorted to dragging herself on through the tiny crystals that burrowed into her skin.
She shouldn’t have left her lab.
Any and all feedback is appreciated! Especially on the highlighted part below, because it was a problem paragraph for me.
Only Ashes Remain
Out of all the concoctions in the world, mixing elements of time and darkness produce the strangest results. Minutes pass like hours. Hours tarry along, disguised as days. Yet in this case, Agent Neva clung to every trickling second. She didn’t know how long she was lying underneath the scorching Iranian desert, surrounded by the rough stones of an underground aquifer, but there was no doubt in her mind that each grain of sand slipping through the endless hourglass was precious.
She was so tired of sand.
Every fiber of her body screamed as she struggled to pull herself up against the tunnel wall. How was the carved sandstone still cool while she threatened to ignite? She relished the soothing chill against her scraped and stinging hands even as her knees trembled beneath her, warning her before they gave out. She crashed into the soft ground, a grunt slipping past her cracked lips.
It’s just disorientation making me unsteady, Neva reasoned. She rolled onto her stomach, propping herself on her elbows. The pounding in her head would pass. There was no pain besides her hands. Then again, she could barely sense anything beyond the pins creeping up her legs and jumping between each vertebra of her spine. She could rest later, with an ice pack in one hand and food in the other. Any food as long as it was fresh.
She gathered a lungful of the thick, musty air and cried out, “Ranger!”
Panic’s claws dug themselves in, wrapping around her ribs as the silence grew. A growl of frustration ripped through her scratchy throat and she resorted to dragging herself on through the tiny crystals that burrowed into her skin.
She shouldn’t have left her lab.
