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Post by anxi0us on Jul 13, 2018 16:58:39 GMT -5
Disclaimer: This is only a small sample of what I will write if I get good feedback, Also tell me what I should work on but not in a criticizing way, Thanks!~
Sample:
"Hurry, hurry!"
"I'm coming, I'm coming`` Worried and panicked voices of what Shelby assumed were nurses filled her ears quickly, she couldn't see, of course, she was blind, which made everything harder in her already scattered life, She wasn't always blind though, her eyesight just worsened and left her about 78% sightless at the age of 13, as of now she is 17. She tried lifting her arms to sit her skinny `Stick of a body` Or that's what her mother called it, up, only to find that she'd been strapped down, completely. She struggled, grunting with effort, but she knew she was far too weak- her anorexia leaving her weak, which was what she was in the emergency room for, she stopped, laying in a puddle of sweat, she got too easily exhausted, her breath was heavy with both worry and sleepiness, she felt a hand jab an IV into her arm, making her flinch and squirm afterwards, she felt the straps keeping her den loosen and be taken off of her, she sat up and shook her head and heard a voice, a calming, soft, therapeutic voice, "You'll be alright, Shelby, Just calm down" She nodded and with her nearly black vision, made out a face, A nice soft face, a face owned by a brown haired male with enchanting blue eyes and with more of his beautiful words, she was asleep, but when she woke, she knew she wasn't in the hospital.
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Post by Thornheart on Jul 13, 2018 18:11:14 GMT -5
This is a great sample. I have a few critiques, if you don't mind? Sample: "Hurry, hurry!"
"I'm coming, I'm coming`` Worried and panicked voices of what Shelby assumed were nurses filled her ears quickly, This should be a period, which in turn makes the "she" after it capitalized. she couldn't see, of course I would delete the "of course" and just put "because", and delete the comma she was blind, which made everything harder in her already scattered life, Period. She wasn't always blind though, her eyesight had just worsened and left her about 78% In more formal novels, numbers and percent's are put in word form. So, if you'd like, 78% would be seventy-eight percent sightless at the age of 13 Same as the pervious point above for both thirteen and seventeen, Also, after "12", it should be a period as of now, she is 17. She tried lifting her arms to sit her skinny Space back one`Stick of a body` Don't capitalize the "s" in "stick. Also, hyphen before "or" and don't capitalize it as well Or at least, that's what her mother called it, Instead of a comma, put a hyphen up, only to find that she'd been strapped down, Get rid of the comma completely.
Start new paragraph She struggled, grunting with effort, but she knew she was far too weak-Period instead of hyphen. In turn, capitalize "her" her anorexia leaving Had left her weak, which was what she was in the emergency room for, Period instead of comma. Capitalize "she" she stopped, laying in a puddle of sweat, As she got too easily exhausted, Period her breath was heavy with both worry and sleepiness, Since you mentioned her breath, would you want to refer to it after in saying "and it (her breath) only increased in it's velocity as she felt a hand jab an IV into her arm"? Just a suggestion she felt a hand jab an IV into her arm, making her flinch and squirm afterwards, Period. Capitalize she felt the straps keeping her den loosen and be taken off of her, and so she sat up and shook her head and In doing so heard a voice, Period. You could add onto the sentence by saying "the voice was calming and soft" or just keep your original description afterwards. Change "a" into "the voice was" if you plan to put a period a calming, soft, and therapeutic voice get rid of "voice", New paragraph if desired "You'll be alright, Shelby, Just calm down" She nodded and with her nearly black vision, she could make made out a face, A "The face was nice and soft". It flows better nice soft face, It was a face owned by a brown haired male with enchanting blue eyes and with only a little more of his beautiful words, she was asleep, but Period, delete the "but". Capitalize :when"" when she woke, she could sense knew she was no longer wasn't in the hospital anymore.
That my feedback on the grammar, punctuation, or anything else in the sample. This looks great so far, and I would love to see it finished! I'm sorry if I have done anything to offend you or if anything that I did was wrong. If you do think anything is amiss, please don't hesitate to let me know.
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Post by anxi0us on Jul 14, 2018 9:49:15 GMT -5
This is a great sample. I have a few critiques, if you don't mind? Sample: "Hurry, hurry!"
"I'm coming, I'm coming`` Worried and panicked voices of what Shelby assumed were nurses filled her ears quickly, This should be a period, which in turn makes the "she" after it capitalized. she couldn't see, of course I would delete the "of course" and just put "because", and delete the comma she was blind, which made everything harder in her already scattered life, Period. She wasn't always blind though, her eyesight had just worsened and left her about 78% In more formal novels, numbers and percent's are put in word form. So, if you'd like, 78% would be seventy-eight percent sightless at the age of 13 Same as the pervious point above for both thirteen and seventeen, Also, after "12", it should be a period as of now, she is 17. She tried lifting her arms to sit her skinny Space back one`Stick of a body` Don't capitalize the "s" in "stick. Also, hyphen before "or" and don't capitalize it as well Or at least, that's what her mother called it, Instead of a comma, put a hyphen up, only to find that she'd been strapped down, Get rid of the comma completely.
Start new paragraph She struggled, grunting with effort, but she knew she was far too weak-Period instead of hyphen. In turn, capitalize "her" her anorexia leaving Had left her weak, which was what she was in the emergency room for, Period instead of comma. Capitalize "she" she stopped, laying in a puddle of sweat, As she got too easily exhausted, Period her breath was heavy with both worry and sleepiness, Since you mentioned her breath, would you want to refer to it after in saying "and it (her breath) only increased in it's velocity as she felt a hand jab an IV into her arm"? Just a suggestion she felt a hand jab an IV into her arm, making her flinch and squirm afterwards, Period. Capitalize she felt the straps keeping her den loosen and be taken off of her, and so she sat up and shook her head and In doing so heard a voice, Period. You could add onto the sentence by saying "the voice was calming and soft" or just keep your original description afterwards. Change "a" into "the voice was" if you plan to put a period a calming, soft, and therapeutic voice get rid of "voice", New paragraph if desired "You'll be alright, Shelby, Just calm down" She nodded and with her nearly black vision, she could make made out a face, A "The face was nice and soft". It flows better nice soft face, It was a face owned by a brown haired male with enchanting blue eyes and with only a little more of his beautiful words, she was asleep, but Period, delete the "but". Capitalize :when"" when she woke, she could sense knew she was no longer wasn't in the hospital anymore.
That my feedback on the grammar, punctuation, or anything else in the sample. This looks great so far, and I would love to see it finished! I'm sorry if I have done anything to offend you or if anything that I did was wrong. If you do think anything is amiss, please don't hesitate to let me know.
Thankyou for the feedback, and no, you didn't offend me in an way. |
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