Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2016 18:20:46 GMT -5
(Borderline Personality Disorder) ((Not as scary as it sounds))My greatest downfall and idk if I was born w/ it or if it came from trauma.
Like it's why I'm about to write all this lol
I want to be someone's best friend and have a really healthy relationship with them but... it's really, really hard to.
There will be days-sometimes weeks- where I just don't want to talk to anyone. I'll read and never reply to messages people sent me, not because I don't like them, but because it will literally drain so much of my energy to keep the conversation going. My friends often think I'm mad at them or I don't care about them when I can only reply with 'k', 'okie', 'lmao', and 'same' but that's me honestly trying my best??? It takes a lot for me to just even get that out smh. I'm just like "why don't you fully trust me and love me even tho I hardly spend any time talking to you??? like come on??"
Since I had to leave public school I've really isolated myself and I'm kind of glad?? I lost all of my really good friends but t's okay because I know I was really toxic to them. For example, my best friend of three years was called Kammi.
Kammi and I were the kind to squeal when we saw each other and leap into the other's arms. Kammi was on that level with a lot of people, though. She even had a friend that was closer to her than I was. No biggie, right? I mean, they've known each other longer than we have and it's not like her friend ever had any problems with me. It wasn't okay with me because of my borderline personality disorder. If Kammi told me she would rather be around her other friend than me the first thoughts that came to mind were 'She doesn't like you. She never liked you. You're terrible. She hates you. They talk about you behind your back. They think you should die.' But?? There is absolutely no reason to think those things?? I know that, too, but it doesn't stop it.
Something happened last year that completely ruined my trust for everyone and it makes it even worse. If I feel like you hate me and I want to die(I don't btw. I'm actually doing pretty fair.) I won't tell you. I can't tell you. I won't tell you if someone is upsetting me or anything of the sort.
I also can't handle crowds anymore. I start to cry if I'm in large and loud groups in public and if I'm in a voice call with a lot of my friends I just silently leave once there's 6+ people because it's just too much.
So like yeah
TL;DR: If I don't reply to you I don't hate you I just can't lol.
dont look @ me lol i'm probably going to delete this and regret posting it
Like it's why I'm about to write all this lol
I want to be someone's best friend and have a really healthy relationship with them but... it's really, really hard to.
There will be days-sometimes weeks- where I just don't want to talk to anyone. I'll read and never reply to messages people sent me, not because I don't like them, but because it will literally drain so much of my energy to keep the conversation going. My friends often think I'm mad at them or I don't care about them when I can only reply with 'k', 'okie', 'lmao', and 'same' but that's me honestly trying my best??? It takes a lot for me to just even get that out smh. I'm just like "why don't you fully trust me and love me even tho I hardly spend any time talking to you??? like come on??"
Since I had to leave public school I've really isolated myself and I'm kind of glad?? I lost all of my really good friends but t's okay because I know I was really toxic to them. For example, my best friend of three years was called Kammi.
Kammi and I were the kind to squeal when we saw each other and leap into the other's arms. Kammi was on that level with a lot of people, though. She even had a friend that was closer to her than I was. No biggie, right? I mean, they've known each other longer than we have and it's not like her friend ever had any problems with me. It wasn't okay with me because of my borderline personality disorder. If Kammi told me she would rather be around her other friend than me the first thoughts that came to mind were 'She doesn't like you. She never liked you. You're terrible. She hates you. They talk about you behind your back. They think you should die.' But?? There is absolutely no reason to think those things?? I know that, too, but it doesn't stop it.
Something happened last year that completely ruined my trust for everyone and it makes it even worse. If I feel like you hate me and I want to die(I don't btw. I'm actually doing pretty fair.) I won't tell you. I can't tell you. I won't tell you if someone is upsetting me or anything of the sort.
I also can't handle crowds anymore. I start to cry if I'm in large and loud groups in public and if I'm in a voice call with a lot of my friends I just silently leave once there's 6+ people because it's just too much.
So like yeah
TL;DR: If I don't reply to you I don't hate you I just can't lol.
dont look @ me lol i'm probably going to delete this and regret posting it