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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2018 20:46:16 GMT -5
Since this novella is quite poorly received, how would you fix it?
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Asexual
Mayflower
I am a Daisy and Ferncloud stan first, and a human being second
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Post by Mayflower on Mar 30, 2018 21:27:00 GMT -5
Honestly, my only gripe was how...selfish she was during it? I know, funny word to use there, since it was her novel. But her reaction to things, like the moment when Squirrelflight found out she so-called couldn't have kits and then any scenes afterward concerning that left a really bad taste in my mouth at the fact that Leafpool had no thoughts about how devastated Squirrelflight probably was. She literally just thought, "Is [she] really going to take these kits from [me]? If it meant [we] could stay in ThunderClan and could watch them grow, while still serving as a medicine cat, perhaps it was the only answer."
There are other quotes, but meh. I just reread the book, and unless I'm missing/overlooked something, she literally never spares a thought for Squirrelflight's feelings about this. And yes, I know Leafpool is going through a lot because of her own selfish actions, but ya know...what can ya do. It was mostly just so me-me-me, considering she wants her sister to do something so important for her. Repeatedly, she sees Squirrelflight look upset, or her eyes glistening with sadness, or that her sister is just plain hurting. Hell, even the very valid worries that Squirrelflight had about lying to everyone -- her family, her friends, her mate, who she just reconciled with after they had been fighting for ages! -- were ignored by Leafpool. She does nothing to comfort her, while Squirrelflight repeatedly helps her, and also promises at least 3x times to help Leafpool however she can. It just bugs me, and is honestly my only problem with it, excluding my dislike of Leafpool's character in general.
If it was rewritten, I would want her taking more responsibility, and maybe talk to Squirrelflight more, beyond moping around and internally wailing. I want her to ignore her own problems (yes, again, they're important, whatever) for a friggen moment and comfort her sister, and tell her how grateful she is for her support, and how she understands that Squirrelflight can't do that for her. I want her to get defensive on Squirrelflight's behalf, when Yellowfang and Feathertail grossly guilted Squirrelflight into taking on the kits, when they were saying ThunderClan needs them and how important this was and how Leafpool would lose her position and blah blah blah. I want Leafpool to be a good sister, like Squirrelflight has always been to her...that's all I want.
Also, she kept referring to the kits as 'my babies' and it bugged me lol
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Post by Showers on Mar 30, 2018 21:38:06 GMT -5
have spottedleaf not act like it was all leafpools fault when leafpool practically begged spottedleaf to tell her what to do and spottedleaf said "follow your heart" or something stupid like that. what did she think leafpool was going to do.
i still think it was all a ploy for the three to be born and i dont think this novella should exist at all. squirrelflight was probably canonically barren but the erins decided to change it up for continuation. wouldve been better if she was barren and alderheart couldve been one of lionblazes sons instead. or lionblazes sons son.
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Post by Jaysnow on Mar 30, 2018 21:55:54 GMT -5
Everything.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2018 21:57:45 GMT -5
Am I the only one who thought it was fine, just unnecessary? I'd change the inconsistency it had (I can't remember what it was) and not have Yellowfang manipulate Squirrelflight, but I've always liked it, nonetheless.
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Bisexual
#ffc5c5
Official Queen of Fan Clans
Name Colour
ʀᴀɪɴʟᴇᴀғ 🍁
Official ThunderClan & ElmClan Leader
Easing back in
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Post by ʀᴀɪɴʟᴇᴀғ 🍁 on Mar 30, 2018 22:07:35 GMT -5
Maybe her not being a selfish [censor]? Or it not existing because Leafpool sucks?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2018 22:36:23 GMT -5
I didn't actually mind Leafpool's Wish. I just wish Squirrelflight wasn't pressured by StarClan to take care of the kits. I think it would have been much more meaningful and show the strength of the sister's bond if the decision was made between Squirrel and Leaf alone. IMO StarClan had no right to be involved, and as Showers said, Spottedleaf placing all the blame on Leafpool and literally avoiding her (IIRC) was unnecessary, especially considering the kits needed to be born to fulfill their prophecy.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2018 22:38:21 GMT -5
I'd like to throw my two cents into this by suggesting a change in these two parts.
1. Either have someone call out Spottedleaf's hypocrisy towards Leafpool ("First you were telling her to follow her heart, and now you're scolding her for doing what you said? Make up your mind, will you?") and probably acknowledge it, or have Spottedleaf put aside the scolding to give Leafpool advice.
2. About the part with Yellowfang telling Squirrelflight that she can't ever have kits...probably can be changed to her telling Squirrelflight that it's not her time yet to be an actual mother.
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Post by Fernstep on Mar 31, 2018 1:35:22 GMT -5
Above all else I would remove the scene where Yellowfang manifests in the physical world to deliver Leafpool's kits.
I think the novella didn't need to exist at all. It tells us nothing that we didn't already know or that wasn't contradicted a few months later by the release of a certain Super Edition. The scenes contained in the novella would have been better off existing as a general understanding in the minds of the fans rather than being written into something unnecessarily dramatic.
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Post by chimken nugget on Mar 31, 2018 5:27:30 GMT -5
I would have Leafpool and Squirrelflight make a more complex and better plan, and maybe Squirrelflight could convince the Clan that she's having kits.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2018 8:08:24 GMT -5
- Starclan doesn't get too involved, so decisions made by Leafpool/Squirrelflight are largely their own. Personally, I'd make Squirrelflight be the one to first suggest/insist that she'd been the one to take the kits as her own. - Squirrelflight wouldn't think she was infertile. But simply says she can have a litter of her own later on. Though still struggles to produce milk. - Have Leafpool stopped mopping around and feeling sorry for herself and get things done.
- Go into detail the process on how Leafpool hides her pregnancy and fakes Squirrelflight's. They do this by, Squirrelflight: would gain weight to fake a pregnant belly, while using Borage leaves to make her start producing milk and starts faking the 'typical Queen behaviours'. While Leafpool: Eats as little as possible and uses herbs to keep her swollen belly down. (But needs to balance it very carefully as it could effect the development of the kits.) - Thunderclan would know about 'Squirrelflight's pregnancy' much earlier. The news of kits brings Brambleclaw joy, during a time when Goldenflower would die any day.
- Leafpool attempts to stay Medicine cat for as long as possible, however around a moon into Pregnancy, Brightheart, as Medcine helper starts to notice something. Which finally forces Leafpool to leave, faking her kidnapping by twolegs and goes to the Horseplace to give birth. Constantly feeling guilty about leaving Brightheart to deal with the Medcine cat duties.
- After the kits are born, Jaykit is born weak and blind. Caused by developing while Leafpool was underweight and using dangerous herb to not allow her belly to swell.
-Daisy visits the Horse place to see Smokey. With Lionkit loudly screaming as he falling into a bucket, causing Daisy to discover them. But she gladly agrees to keeps the secret, loving all kits. - Squirrelflight and Daisy then goes to the Horseplace to pick up the kits and take them to camp. Leafpool waits a few days, thinking it would too suspicious if she returned with them. Then covers herself in diet, making herself look scruffy and returns, claiming she managed to escape the twolegs.
- She makes it back just in time for Goldenflower's death, holding 'her grandchildren'. Lionkit is named after Lionheart. - There would also be something with Ashfur thrown in there.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2018 10:13:56 GMT -5
- Starclan doesn't get too involved, so decisions made by Leafpool/Squirrelflight are largely their own. Personally, I'd make Squirrelflight be the one to first to suggest/insist that she'd been the one to take the kits as her own. - Squirrelflight wouldn't think she was infertile. But simply says she can have a litter of her own later on. Though still struggles to produce milk. - Have Leafpool stopped mopping around and feeling sorry for herself and get things done. - Go into detail the process on how Leafpool hides her pregnancy and fakes Squirrelflight's. They do this by, Squirrelflight: would gain weight to fake a pregnant belly, while using Borage leaves to make her start producing milk and starts faking the 'typical Queen behaviours'. While Leafpool: Eats as little as possible and uses herbs to keep her swollen belly down. (But needs to balance it very carefully as it could effect the development of the kits.) - Thunderclan would know about 'Squirrelflight's pregnancy' much earlier. The news of kits brings Brambleclaw joy, during a time when Goldenflower would die any day. - Leafpool attempts to stay Medicine cat for as long as possible, however around a moon into Pregnancy, Brightheart, as Medcine helper starts to notice something. Which finally forces Leafpool to leave, faking her kidnapping by twolegs and goes to the Horseplace to give birth. Constantly feeling guilty about leaving Brightheart to deal with the Medcine cat duties. - After the kits are born, Jaykit is born weak and blind. Caused by developing while Leafpool was underweight and using dangerous herb to not allow her belly to swell. -Daisy visits the Horse place to see Smokey. With Lionkit loudly screaming as he falling into a bucket, causing Daisy to discover them. But she gladly agrees to keeps the secret, loving all kits. - Squirrelflight and Daisy then goes to the Horseplace to pick up the kits and take them to camp. Leafpool waits a few days, thinking it would too suspicious if she returned with them. Then covers herself in diet, making herself look scruffy and returns, claiming she managed to escape the twolegs. - She makes it back just in time for Goldenflower's death, holding 'her grandchildren'. Lionkit is named after Lionheart. - There would also be something with Ashfur thrown in there. You know...I'd actually read that.
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Post by wheeledwarrior on Mar 31, 2018 12:35:59 GMT -5
I'd make it so that Leafpool was never the mother… Maybe make it so Squirrelflight just has difficulty producing kits… And the whole idea of the Three from her was thrown out the window when one of them was not part of the prophecy anyway…
Plus, there are plenty of other cats that could have been a part of the prophecy… Cloudtail’s kits in particular (or even their kin), or maybe Sandstorm does have time for a second litter and those kits are used… If you really wanted to push it, you could have a descendent of Princess, Jake, or Scourge somehow find their way to the lake... There were plenty of other ways to make it more interesting, yet the whole arc just wasn't…
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#FF55A3
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Apricity
Bravelands is too slept on.
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Post by Apricity on Mar 31, 2018 18:37:33 GMT -5
Take out the part that says Spiderleg is the father of Berrykit, Mousekit, and Hazelkit.
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