The Dark Forest - Behind the Scenes
Aug 21, 2016 22:33:36 GMT -5
Holly Snow, Swiftshadow™, and 1 more like this
Post by Basement Cat on Aug 21, 2016 22:33:36 GMT -5
Because I am lazy and unmotivated I want a change in pace, I’m making a standalone DF spoof to procrastinate take a break from the SkyClan saga-
Hold it! How did you escape that door with no door?!
I didn’t.
So…you’re writing this from the room? Then how did you…?
I simply decided to leave the room.
You can’t do that when there’s no door to leave from!
*shrug* I did.
B-but, you can’t break the laws of physics like that!
I did it anyways. I’ve got a non-canonical story to write, so goodbye.
You…You are going to be in SO much trouble when I go find wherever you’re hiding!
…
Sol is going to kill me, or make me fold laundry, or-
WRONG, I’LL MAKE YOU DRESS UP IN A BANANA SUIT.
EEP! I’MGOINGSIRIWASJUSTCHECKINGONTHEPRISONERI’LLGONOW!!!wtf is a banana
*meanwhile*
Basement Cat: A banana suit? That’s the best you can come up with?
Sol: Have you ever tried to dress up a cat in a banana costume? I assure you they have no idea how to react to that scenario.
Basement Cat: You have a point there.
Sol: Besides, messing with Sparrowfeather is too much fun.
Basement Cat: Hm. Considering this is non-canon, I say truce?
Sol: Truce.
Basement Cat: I still don’t trust you-
Sol: -Then you are wise.
________________________________________________________________________
Warrior Cats and Seven Deadly Sins (A Standalone Spoof)
*Sometime after TLH, or before it, or…when does this take place?*
My head hurts…
*SIGH*
All the remaining Dark Forest cats gather around Maggottail, as his last hours approach him…
Maggottail: My afterlife draws rapidly to an end, and yet my dream has still not been fulfilled…
Mapleshade: I really don’t care.
Thistleclaw: We’re here for the insurance money.
Hawkfrost: *staring at himself in a mirror* Maybe now we’ll finally be able to afford that vending machine.
*silence*
Snowtuft: Hawkfrost, you…faded away. You can’t just show up to an almost funeral when you don’t exist anymore.
Tigerstar: Yes, have some respect for the almost dead, not-son! Now, about that insurance money…
Mapleshade: What the…*groans outwardly* Are you telling me that all of you who faded suddenly exist again?!
Shredtail: Yep. You still haven’t faded away? It’s been 4 moons! Geez Mapleshade, you look like you’re about to kick the bucket yourself.
Brokenstar: No idea how it happened, it just did.
Maggottail: Then…they have recognized my wish!
Snowtuft: They?
Maggottail: Them you blithering cat! They have recognized my wish!
Thistleclaw: No cat care here cares about your stupid wish.
Maggottail: You’ll grant my wish or none of you get a penny of my vast fortune.
Collectively, the DF cats think of the 1,000,000 dollar bouncy house they’ve been dreaming about since their first appearance in the hellspawn that is the Dark Forest.
*silence*
Darkstripe: I remember now why Maggottail is so evil.
Tigerstar: For once in my life, I agree with Darkstripe.
Darkstripe: *eyes suddenly light up* Y-You really mean it-
Tigerstar: Don’t push it.
Maggottail: For as long as I have lived and died, I had but I one wish. I would find seven of the pettiest, most ghastly, cruel, delusional, arrogant, apathetic, and vicious cats in order to…
*silence*
Mapleshade: *deadpan voice* In order to do what? We don’t have all day/night/whatever time it is, and neither do you.
Maggottail: You’ll wait for my dramatic pause, or I’ll leave nothing in my will to you missy.
Mapleshade: *eye twitch* Missy?
*more silence*
Shredtail: Is he dead?
Snowtuft: If he were dead, his body would have already disappeared into nothing, leaving only a bloody stain.
*even more silence*
Thistleclaw: For the love of Sn…JUST TELL US!
Maggottail: *snoring* Huh, what? *wakes up* In order to summon the seven deadly sins, and become a god!
The wind around all the Dark Forest cats starts swirling around as Maggottail’s eyes glow a poisonous green.
Thistleclaw: …I’m out of here. *leaves*
Maggottail: *voice becomes demonic sounding* ANd now FinaLly, in my last hour, I hAve foUNd the SevEn!
Hawkfrost: This has escalated very, very quickly-
Tigerstar: Shut up you idiot and run!
A vortex of sheer evil and darkness forms around the gathered cats except Thistleclaw, who was smart enough to leave, and Sparrowfeather, who’s trying to track the author down, as seven arcane circles form out of the wind.
Darkstripe: *out of breath* So much…*gasps* for running.
Hawkfrost: I knew Maggottail was evil, but now he’s gone absolutely power mad!
Mapleshade: You could have chosen any other goal. You could have kicked a kitten. Maybe even succeeded in killing some cat. But no, you had to pick completing a *[please keep language appropriate] demonic ritual-
Maggottail: *voice of one thousand evil cats* Shut up you pathetic cat, your scathing remarks TIRE ME SO!
Mapleshade is suddenly flung over to the green circle and starts floating in the air.
Maggottail: MAPLESHADE, YOU HAVE LOVED AND LOST-
Mapleshade: A history lesson? Oh joy-
Maggottail: -AND THROUGHOUT ALL YOUR LIFE YOU’VE SOUGHT OUT REVENGE AGAINST YOUR ENEMIES, THOSE INNOCENT CATS WHO NEVER WRONGED YOU, JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE RELATED TO THE ONE WHO BETRAYED YOU. YOU WERE WRONGED IN YOUR LIFE, BUT SOUGHT REVENGE INSTEAD OF FORGIVENESS. YOU WENT MAD, AND DUG UP CORPSES, POSIONED FRECKLEWISH, AND TRIED TO KILL REEDSHINE, WHOM YOU BELIEVE TOOK APPLEDUSK FROM YOU. YOU SOUGHT TO KILL SANDSTORM, JUST BECAUSE SHE LIVED A GOOD LIFE, A LIFE YOU COVETED. IN YOUR ENVY, YOU RUINED LIVES AND DESTROYED CATS, ALL BECAUSE THEY HAD WHAT YOU WANTED.
Mapleshade: I am a dead cat not a dead magical cat now GET ME DOWN FROM HERE YOU OLD GEEZER!
Brokenstar: Okay…let’s all just calm down. Look, Maggottail, I understand wanting power, but performing unholy rituals is not the way to go-
Maggottail’s eyes glow a sickly orange. Brokenstar is flung into the orange circle where he starts flailing and floating.
Brokenstar: * I’m afraid of heights!
Shredtail: Oh foxdung. We’re really screwed this time, WE ARE SO-*slapped*
Darkstripe: Get a hold of yourself tom! We must all be brave like Tigerstar!
Tigerstar would like to go to his nonexistent house and go to sleep and pretend two of his subordinates aren’t magically floating in the air now please.
Maggottail: BROKENSTAR, YOU KILLED YOUR FATHER IN ORDER TO RULE SHADOWCLAN, BRUTALLY MURDERED INNOCENT KITS YOU APPRENTICED TOO EARLY, AND EXILED ELDERS TO FEND FOR THEMSELVES. YOU STOLE FROM THUNDERCLAN TO REPLACE WHAT +YOU KILLED, AND CHASED AWAY WINDCLAN IN ORDER TO STEAL THEIR TERRITORY AND CONSUME THEIR PREY. YOU KILLED AND WEAKENED YOUR CLAN WITHIN, LIKE A GLUTTONOUS PARASITE.
Brokenstar: *closing his eyes so he doesn’t see the ground* I’m in my happy place slaughtering kits, I’m in my happy place slaughtering kits…
Snowtuft: Are we just going to watch this?
Shredtail: You’re supposed to be the smart one! What do you think will happen if we try and interfere?!
Hawkfrost: I really shouldn’t be recording this, but Mapleshade’s reaction was too funny. Hey Dad…Dad?
Tigerstar is floating in the air towards a circle as Maggottail’s eyes glow a molten yellow.
Tigerstar:*deadpan* Wheeeee
Maggottail: TIGERSTAR, YOU WERE AMBITIOUS AND SOUGHT TO TAKE OVER THE CLANS, AND YOUR MENTOR ENCOURAGED THIS AMBITION.
Thistleclaw” *from outside circle* Just walk away Thistleclaw. Don’t get involved, Thistleclaw…
Maggottail: IN YOUR GREED, YOU MURDERED INNOCENT CATS TO ACHIEVE YOUR AMBITIONS, TOOK OVER SHADOWCLAN, AND EVEN TRIED TO COMBINE ALL FOUR CLANS UNDER YOUR RULE IN YOUR QUEST FOR POWER. YOUR GREED EXTENDED EVEN TO YOUR DEATH, AND THROUGH YOUR SONS. EVEN THROUGH THE LIVING YOU CARRIED OUT YOUR GOALS. ALL THIS FOR THE SAKE OF DESTROYING FIRESTAR.
Tigerstar:*shrug* Caught me there. Can we discuss the death casualties next? Or better yet, we can all go away and pretend this never happened.
Snowtuft: He seems to be going in alphabetical order according to each sin.
Shredtail: Then, that means up next is lust!
Mapleshade: Then that would be…
Mapleshade, Tigerstar, and Shredtail look expectantly at Hawkfrost.
Hawkfrost: Wha…Don’t look at me! I don’t act like that in the actual books! Well, that much, at least…
Snowtuft: It’s true, he’s only depicted that way in fanon. And this spoof…
Maggottail: NOW THAT I HAVE ACCUMULATED THREE OF THE SEVEN, I CAN EXTEND MY POWER EVEN TO STARCLAN! NOW, FOR THE FOURTH CAT…
---
Ashfur: *moping in a corner of StarClan*
Suddenly, an evil looking rift opens underneath Ashfur and pulls him through it.
---
Ashfur: No, I lost my trilby! *looks around* StarClan swore to me this would never happen again!
Hawkfrost: Now this *, on the other paw…at least I admit I’m evil!
Darkstripe: Why is there a fedora just randomly floating by…?
Maggottail’s eyes glow dark blue, and Ashfur is flung into the dark blue circle where he starts floating.
Maggottail: ASHFUR, YOUR ONLY FAULT WAS TO LOVE TOO MUCH-
Ashfur: Exactly! Now get me down from here, I am nothing like these evil…monsters!
Maggottail: YOUR ONLY FAULT WAS TO LOVE TOO MUCH, BUT IT WAS A MASSIVE FAULT.
Ashfur: How is Squirrelflight betraying me my fault?!
Maggottail: BECAUSE YOU COULD NOT LET SQUIRRELFLIGHT GO, YOU BECAME DELUSIONAL AND IRRATIONAL. YOU TREATED SQUIRRELFLIGHT LIKE AN OBJECT, SOMETHING TO OBTAIN, AND WHEN YOU LOST HER AFFECTION, YOU BEGAN TO LOSE YOUR SANITY. IN ORDER TO MAKE HER SUFFER FOR LEAVING YOU, YOU ASSISTED HAWKFROST IN AN ATTEMPT TO ASSASSINATE YOUR LEADER, BRUTALLY ATTACKED YOUR APPRENTICE, AND THEN TRIED TO KILL YOUR DESIRED OBJECT’S KITS IN ORDER TO HURT HER.
Ashfur: She deserved it though!
Maggottail: *ANNOYED SIGHING* STOP BEING DELUSIONAL AND SHUT UP FOR DARK FOREST’S SAKE!
*awkward silence*
Maggottail: ALL THIS FOR THE SAKE OF ‘LOVE.’ LOVE IS SOMETHING THAT IS PURE AND GOOD, AND THIS LOVE YOU CORRUPTED. YOU CARED ABOUT YOUR OWN LUST AND WHAT YOU WANTED, NOT HOW SQUIRRELFLIGHT FELT OR WHAT SHE CARED ABOUT.
Ashfur: I loved Squirrelflight! It isn’t my fault that she was a faithless she-cat! I’m the victim here!
Snowtuft: I see what you mean by delusional.
Mapleshade: Some cat give me a reason for why he’s in StarClan.
Brokenstar: *has his eyes closed* Apparently he loved too much, according to my mother.
Mapleshade: Some cat give me a valid reason for why he’s in StarClan.
Maggottail: NOW TO FIND THAT SHE-CAT…
Shredtail: She-cat? What the Dark Forest are you talking about?! The only she-cat here is Mapleshade and you already-
-Maggottail closes his eyes and Hollyleaf falls out of a rift in the air.
Snowtuft: Well, there’s you’re answer.
Hawkfrost: Huh. It’s not every day a random she-cat falls out of the air.
Hollyleaf: Ouch! *winces* what was all that about…? *looks up and sees the vortex of evil wind, the seven arcane circles and the floating DF cats* W-Why am I in the Dark Forest?!
Shredtail: It’s not usually like this, I swear.
Darkstripe: You see, Maggottail went mad with power, and so now he’s summoning cats to complete some evil demonic ritual.
Hollyleaf: *turns towards Darkstripe’s direction* R-ritual!?
Maggottail: SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU GIVE ME A HEADACHE!!
Maggottail’s eyes glow an eerie purple and Hollyleaf is flung towards the purple circle and starts floating. Strangely, she only floats a foot or two off the ground.
Maggottail: HOLLYLEAF, ALL YOUR LIFE YOU SOUGHT TO DEFEND THE WARRIOR CODE. HOWEVER, YOU WERE ARROGANT, SETTING YOURSELF HIGHER THAN CATS OUTSIDE THE CODE, AND QUICK TO REPRIMAND THOSE WHO DIDN’T FOLLOW IT. YOU BELIEVED YOU WERE PERFECT, AND THE WORLD SHOULD BE PERFECT AS WELL.
Hollyleaf: Those things, all of those things! …are true. *looks away in sorrow*
Maggottail: IN YOUR PRIDE, YOU LOST YOUR SENSE OF SANITY AT BEING CONSIDERED OUTSIDE THE CODE, TO BE FLAWED, AND YOU MURDERED ASHFUR BECAUSE OF IT-
Ashfur: She did! And it was for nothing too!
Brokenstar: *still has his eyes closed* Does anybody else notice that she gets a giant explanation for why she represents pride-
Maggottail: -WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH MY SENTENCE?! I MEAN GEEZ, DID ANYONE TEACH YOU MANNERS?!
Shredtail: Great, now Maggottail has turned into Mom. *is slapped by an evil vortex of wind and flung backwards*
Maggottail: …REVEALED THE TRUTH AT THE GATHERING THAT YOU WERE LEAFPOOL’S KIT IN ORDER TO RUIN HER REPUTATION SINCE YOU STOPPED CARING ABOUT THE CODE, ALMOST KILLED YOUR OWN MOTHER, AND THEN RAN AWAY SO YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO FACE THE CONSEQEUNCES FOR YOUR ACTIONS, BECAUSE YOU REFUSED TO ADMIT YOU WERE WRONG. YOU TURNED A BLIND EYE TO YOUR OWN FAULTS.
Hollyleaf’s eyes glow purple before quickly turning back to normal.
Maggottail: WHAT THE…*CONFUSED* WHY ISN’T THE RITUAL WORKING ANYMORE?!
Hollyleaf: You are right about what you have said, and I don’t deserve forgiveness for them. But, that was who I once was, not who I am! I learned to humble myself so I could just be the best warrior I can be. I didn’t want power after that, recognition, or glory. I just…I just wanted to right all the wrongs I did!
Maggottail: YOU HUMBLED YOURSELF?!
Hollyleaf: *weak smile* I guess I did.
Maggottail: THAT IS…PROBLEMATIC. I WILL HAVE TO REMEDY THIS BY BRINGING IN A CAT TO CANCEL YOU OUT.
Maggottail reaches through a hole in the fourth wall…
________________________________________________________________________
Sol: I wonder how many "elipses” you use per spoof. 30? 35?
Basement Cat: *giggling*
Sol: What are you laughing at…?
*realization*
Sol: Oh f-*a tear in the fourth wall emerges and Sol is sucked into it*
---
Sol falls from 200 feet off the ground and would surely be killed if it weren’t for the fact that he landed on top of one of the circles and started floating before he hit the ground. Maggottail’s eyes glow a pale bluish green, or greenish blue. Uh…turquoise? Aqua marine? AGH
Maggottail: SOL, YOU ARE SLOTHFUL, AND WOULD RATHER OTHER CATS DO YOU YOUR DIRTY WORK THAN DO IT YOURSELF. YOU ENDANGERED LEAFSTAR’S KITS BY PUTTING THEM IN HARM’S WAY, THEN PLOTTED TO BE THE HERO THAT WOULD SAVE THEM, BECAUSE IDEALISM WAS TOO MUCH WORK FOR YOU. YOU LEFT THE CLAN YOU FORMED TO BE DESTROYED AND DIDN’T LIFT A PAW TO HELP THEM. YOU MANIPULATE AND DECIEVE CATS TO DO YOUR BIDDING, AND CORRUPT AND PERSUADE WITH JUST YOUR WORDS. YOU ALSO DO NOT BELIEVE IN STARCLAN’S POWER, OR ANY DIVINE POWER.
Sol: Sure, just go ahead and blab my entire story to the world! Besides, I-
Hollyleaf: Save your excuses. We all know you’re a liar, Sol. Everything he said was true. You’re so lazy, you can’t even fight! You couldn’t land a single hit against me.
Sol: If you want to be boastful and compare paltry to excellence, then go compare your fighting skills to the cat who killed you.
Darkstripe: Uh, maybe you two should stop arguing…
Snowtuft: Glowing circles are a sign that the ritual is going right.
The circles Hollyleaf and Sol are in are indeed glowing.
Hawkfrost: Do you think Hollyleaf is single?
Darkstripe: Uh, she’s like….30 moons younger than you.
Hawkfrost: Since when did age matter? Most of Clan relationships have wide age gaps anyways, and as long as both are warriors, no cat is going to really complain.
Mapleshade: Didn’t you kill her though?
Hawkfrost: *waves paw half-heartedly* It’s not a big deal.
Ashfur: I agree, I would kill Squirrelfight for our love.
Brokenstar: *still not staring at the ground* It’s kind of a big deal. Also, that’s plain screwed up Ashfur.
Maggottail: I SHIP HER WITH SOL ANYWAYS.
Snowtuft: I personally see her with Ivypool.
Shredtail: *lying on ground in agony* Can she just be mateless? I mean, I never needed a mate…
Tigerstar: Oh for the love of…GET ON WITH THE STORY!
Crowd: Yes, get on with it!
Hollyleaf and Sol seem to have not heard the (some rather disturbing) comments about them.
Hollyleaf: I only died because if I didn’t attack directly and take the killing blow, Ivypool would have died in my stead! Besides, I held my own while bleeding to death. If I was at my full strength, I’d be more than a match…
The circle Hollyleaf is floating in glows bright purple while Sol’s circle glows a greenish blue.
Maggottail: GOOD, THOSE TWO MAKE EACH OTHER’S LESS DESIRABLE TRAITS APPEAR WHENEVER THEY MEET, SO NOW PRIDE WILL POWER UP! NOW, JUST ONE MORE CAT…
________________________________________________________________________
Somewhere in purgatory…
Scourge: Do you have any 3’s?
Bone: Go fish.
A creepy hand shows up out of nowhere and descends upon Scourge.
Scourge: I thought I had seen everything when that tall Twoleg with no face appeared. *is grabbed and disappears*
Bone: …I win by default.
________________________________________________________________________
Maggottail: THE SEVENTH AND FINAL CAT, SCOURGE!
Tigerstar: SCOURGE?! EEEP-I mean…b-back for round two I see?
Scourge: *deadpan* What is this?
Brokenstar: *starts laughing uncontrollably* Really, Tigerstar, you couldn’t kill this pipsqueak? *looks down* GROUND, GROUND! *covers his eyes again*
Tigerstar: You saw first paw what he did to one of your warriors!
Brokenstar: I was too busy scavenging for food back then to remember some creepy cat.
Snowtuft: Those claws…how do they stay in his fur without being painfully imbedded?
Hawkfrost: It is pretty sad. In stories you told us Scourge was this demon cat with fox claws, wolf teeth and spikes sticking out of his neck.
Mapleshade: I would have snapped his skinny neck when I first saw him.
Hollyleaf: I’m more disturbed at how similar he looks to Firestar…And me!
Sol: He looks a lot like Hollyleaf. I wouldn’t be surprised if the psycho was related to that psycho.
Hollyleaf: *eyes full of contempt* Said the sociopath.
Scourge: I now see why I wasn’t sent to this place. I would have killed you all ages ago…
Maggottail’s eyes glow blood red and Scourge is hovered over to the final circle.
Maggottail: SCOURGE, YOU WERE ONCE AN INNOCENT KIT WHO WAS ALMOST KILLED BY TIGERPAW-
Tigerstar: Hold it! You were the kit I attacked all those moons ago?
Maggottail: *ANNOYED SIGH* …HOWEVER, YOU VOWED REVENGE AGAINST TIGERPAW, AND PROMISED YOU WOULD KILL HIM ONE DAY. IN YOUR WRATH TO ACHIEVE YOUR REVENGE, YOU BECAME EVERY EVIL THING YOU SAID YOU WERE. THE FIRST TIME YOU KILLED A CAT, YOU WELCOMED THE FEELING OF ICE IN YOUR VEINS, AND IT ONLY BECAME COLDER. YOU LEFT THE CATS UNDER YOU TO FEND FOR THEMSELVES AND RULED BY FEAR, CRUSHING ANY OPPOSITION CRUELLY. YOUR BID FOR POWER LED YOU TO TIGERSTAR ONCE MORE, WHO YOU BRUTALLY MURDERED IN ORDER TO COMPLETE YOUR REVENGE AGAINST THE CAT WHO WRONGED YOU.
Scourge: *deadpan* You are breathing in my personal space.
Ashfur: Okay, I’ve had enough. GET ME DOWN FROM HERE YOU CRAZY DEMON CAT, I WANT OUT OF HERE!!
Maggottail: I AM SOMETHING FAR MORE POWERFUL THAN A MERE DEMON.
Maggottail’s eyes glow an ominous and rather pretty rainbow as each circle glows their respective color. The cats’ eyes in each circle glows the same color, and there is a lot of eerie light.
Hawkfrost: Uh…should we help them?
Shredtail: *staggering in pain from the blast earlier* I would normally would say no, but this isn’t a normal occurrence! Snowtuft, grab my mangled tail and pull!
Snowtuft: So now you decide to help?!
Darkstripe: Snowtuft, BEHIND YOU-
Hawkfrost, Shredtail, Snowtuft and Darkstripe are flung violently away from the seven circles.
Darkstripe: *whining* My face…
Maggottail: YOU INCOMPETENT FOOLS! BY GIVING ME THE SEVEN CATS NEEDED TO COMPLETE THIS UNHOLY RITUAL, YOU HAVE GIVEN ME THE POWER TO CONQUER GALAXIES! I HAVE BECOME ALL-POWERFULL!!!! *explodes*
The seven cats inexplicably fall back down to their deaths as bits of rainbow magic fly everywhere.
Tigerstar: Well, that was anticlimactic.
Hawkfrost: *wincing in pain* We…we still get the insurance, right? *collapses*
Brokenstar: Insurance later! Right now, ALL SEVEN OF US ARE FALLING TO OUR DEATHS!
Sol: Don’t let me die! Unlike these others, I’M STILL ALIVE!
Every cat lands on the ground with a sickening crunch.
Hawkfrost: *looks up* Tigerstar? Brokenstar? Are you all…Did you…move on again?
Darkstripe: I’m content to just lie here in pain.
Mapleshade: Ow…
Snowtuft: *limping slightly* How are you all alive?! You fell from 665 feet off the ground! If it weren’t for asterisks you would have fallen a foot longer!
Ashfur: Magic?
Hollyleaf: *looking for injuries on herself* I…I think it is magic!
Sol: Quick, some cat kill another cat who was in the circle! Preferably one with a dark pelt!
In a lightning fast flash, Scourge moves forward and slices open Brokenstar’s neck. Brokenstar falls over predictably dead.
Scourge: I forget that killing is muscle memory now. Oops…
Brokenstar: *feels face* I’m…I’m still dead and not gone for good?
Tigerstar: It would seem so.
Mapleshade: You there, crazy cat. What were you saying about magic?
Hollyleaf: Crazy? You’re one to talk. What I was trying to say was that-
Sol: -we’re immortal. We can’t fade away. And apparently we all talk in color now. *gets a glare from Hollyleaf for interrupting her*
Ashfur: So you’re saying that we could all kill one another and still not fade away?
Mapleshade: This means…that we can regroup. The Dark Forest will rise again, and destroy the Clans for good!
Tigerstar: Maggottail has given us a second opportunity, it seems. It would be wasteful of us to throw that second chance away…
Hollyleaf: You’ll never get another chance to attack the Clans! I will stop you, alone if I must.
*silence*
Brokenstar: Oh yeah, I forget you’re a StarClan cat. Oh well, it’s still six against one.
Ashfur: Hey! I’m StarClan too, I’m just not affiliating with her.
Snowtuft: *still horribly injured* Do you StarClan cats argue this much all the time?
Sol: Well, I’m at a loss at what to do. So…*tries to escape through rift in the fourth wall, but fourth wall won’t open this time.*
Sol: …Oh.
Hollyleaf: Are you telling me…I can’t leave the Dark Forest?! I-I’m stuck here?!
Ashfur: You mean you are stuck. I’ll be rescued in no time at all as I do not belong here.
Hollyleaf: Some cat please hold me back before I kill him again.
Scourge: I’ll do it!
*silence*
Scourge: …I’m missing my game of go fish anyways.
Mapleshade: Is this whole immortality thing permanent?
Hawkfrost: *still injured and lying on the ground* I hope so, nonexistence is so boring. All it has on TV to watch is reruns.
Tigerstar: The food there is decent, at the least.
Hollyleaf: *frantically trying to send a signal to StarClan* There has to be a way out of here.
Sol: The fourth wall…always works. Why. Isn’t. It. Working? *twitches*
Tigerstar: I don’t usually let StarClan cats leave in one piece, but today/whatever time it is, I’ll make an exception. This map with detailed written instructions will lead you out through the Fog of Lost Souls and back to StarClan. If you show up on our territory again, we’ll kill you. Er…torture you? Tax you? I’ve got to rethink this whole immortality thing.
Ashfur: *snatches map* Uh…
Hollyleaf: I can’t read.
Shredtail: *lying down in pain* Will the author please make her mind up on whether we are aware of the story or not?
*silence*
Tigerstar: Right, I forgot about that. Looks like you are stuck here.
________________________________________________________________________
Later…
Scourge: Do you have any 4’s?
Ashfur: *sigh* Yes.
Scourge: Your face looks really familiar. Wait…aren’t you that cat who mocked me all those moons ago?
Ashfur: Uh…No, that was Brambleclaw.
*silence*
Scourge: Yes, I definitely know that face. You’re that tom who tried to burn his former love’s kits alive.
Ashfur: Wha…?! How could you know what happened? *coughs unconvincingly* Assuming that did in fact happen.
Scourge: I know it happened because a lot of your fanart either has you confronting Squirrelflight in the fire or your death scene. Or, it’s the shipping of you and me.
Ashfur: There’s no use denying my actions then. But she deserved it for betraying me! Uh, what was that about you and me in ‘fanart’ and ‘shipping?’
Scourge: Some of – okay, a lot of my fans portray you and me as mates.
Ashfur: Oh…*realization* Wait, WHAT?! My only true love is Squirrelflight! Was, that faithless she-cat…but I love her…I’ll destroy her! I love her that much! *coughs* How do you even know this?
Scourge: *edging away slowly from the unstable cat next to him* When I was killed, I was damned to purgatory. My punishment for my deeds…
Scourge looks down as his cards as he tries not to shudder.
Scourge: …Was that I was doomed to see past the book series into the real world.
Ashfur: Real world?
Scourge: I don’t want to talk about it.
Ashfur: What the hell is ‘the real world’? Have you been eating the dark forest fungus?
Scourge: I said I won’t talk about it! *murders Ashfur*
Ashfur: …
Scourge: …
Ashfur: I was forced here against my will and I am honestly feeling so attacked right now.
________________________________________________________________________
Mapleshade: *hissing murderously* I tolerate you, Sol, but you’re really pushing it. The. Mud. Baths. Are. Mine.
Sol: Your's? You mean like everything else you have stolen? *points to Tigerstar's pink ball of yarn, Hawkfrost's mirror, Sorreltail's sorrel, Darkstripe, a pair of scissors, and Ashfur's trilby*
Mapleshade: I wanted them, so I took them. Now get out.
Darkstripe: Can I leave now? *is slapped*
Sol: Listen up greenie. I have been through some serious trauma today. I was wrenched from my comfortable spot where I was doing nothing, forced to become part of a demonic ritual, and then lost my fourth wall powers. I need some relaxation. You hear that Basement Cat? The truce is off! When I get back to the canon story, I will make you suffer for this!
I have no regrets. Oh, and Mapleshade is seething, almost literally.
Sol: But if you go fetch me a sandwich, we’ll talk.
Mapleshade: *snaps and kills Sol*
Sol: You see, threatening me with death isn’t going to work anymore. Now, about that sandwich…
Mapleshade: *impressive eye twitch of twitchiness* That’s fine, dear. I’ll make you a sandwich.
Sol: What are you-
Mapleshade: I’ll make a FINE sandwich from you.
Sol: Oh. Look, Mapleshade, you know I was joking.
...
Sol: *gulp* R-Right? I knew the fandom thought Mapleshade was a cannibal but COME ON!
Mapleshade: *maniacal laughter*
-
Hawkfrost: So…are you still mad about the whole ‘killing you thing’…
Hollyleaf: *ordering Shredtail to light up dead fungus* Obviously.
Hawkfrost: Does that mean yes or no-
Hollyleaf: -It means an insignificant speck is speaking to me and hindering my goal to leave this hellspawn.
Thistleclaw: *is in a jester suit making a fire* how the hell did I get dragged into this
Hawkfrost: Oh ho! You’re playing hard to get, are you?
Hollyleaf: *raised nonexistent eyebrows* Servant! Escort this creature away to the prisons.
Shredtail: *eye twitch* I don’t know why I’m doing this…
Sparrowfeather: *is being used as a chair* Hollyleaf, I can’t breat-
Hollyleaf: Chairs don’t talk.
Sparrowfeather: *struggling to breathe* You’re…worse…than…Tiger…star.*wheezing*
Hawkfrost: I will return for youuuuuu *is dragged away by disgruntled Shredtail*
-
Brokenstar is watching the disaster unfold with a devious grin on his face.
Tigerstar: I want to record this for future Dark Forest warriors to see – paying to see it, of course. Oh, and pass me some popcorn.
Brokenstar: *looking down* When the hell did I buy popcorn?!
Tigerstar: I don’t know. Food has been appearing randomly of late around you. …Brokenstar?
Brokenstar interrupted Hollyleaf’s ‘task force’ and currently is currently nomming on Sparrowfeather’s leg.
Brokenstar: Uhh…
Tigerstar: Did…you just try to eat Sparrowfeather?
Sparrowfeather: fml ;-;
Hollyleaf: Get your own servant mongrel!
Snowtuft: What the *censored* is wrong with this place?
FIN ~
Hold it! How did you escape that door with no door?!
I didn’t.
So…you’re writing this from the room? Then how did you…?
I simply decided to leave the room.
You can’t do that when there’s no door to leave from!
*shrug* I did.
B-but, you can’t break the laws of physics like that!
I did it anyways. I’ve got a non-canonical story to write, so goodbye.
You…You are going to be in SO much trouble when I go find wherever you’re hiding!
…
Sol is going to kill me, or make me fold laundry, or-
WRONG, I’LL MAKE YOU DRESS UP IN A BANANA SUIT.
EEP! I’MGOINGSIRIWASJUSTCHECKINGONTHEPRISONERI’LLGONOW!!!wtf is a banana
*meanwhile*
Basement Cat: A banana suit? That’s the best you can come up with?
Sol: Have you ever tried to dress up a cat in a banana costume? I assure you they have no idea how to react to that scenario.
Basement Cat: You have a point there.
Sol: Besides, messing with Sparrowfeather is too much fun.
Basement Cat: Hm. Considering this is non-canon, I say truce?
Sol: Truce.
Basement Cat: I still don’t trust you-
Sol: -Then you are wise.
________________________________________________________________________
Warrior Cats and Seven Deadly Sins (A Standalone Spoof)
*Sometime after TLH, or before it, or…when does this take place?*
My head hurts…
*SIGH*
All the remaining Dark Forest cats gather around Maggottail, as his last hours approach him…
Maggottail: My afterlife draws rapidly to an end, and yet my dream has still not been fulfilled…
Mapleshade: I really don’t care.
Thistleclaw: We’re here for the insurance money.
Hawkfrost: *staring at himself in a mirror* Maybe now we’ll finally be able to afford that vending machine.
*silence*
Snowtuft: Hawkfrost, you…faded away. You can’t just show up to an almost funeral when you don’t exist anymore.
Tigerstar: Yes, have some respect for the almost dead, not-son! Now, about that insurance money…
Mapleshade: What the…*groans outwardly* Are you telling me that all of you who faded suddenly exist again?!
Shredtail: Yep. You still haven’t faded away? It’s been 4 moons! Geez Mapleshade, you look like you’re about to kick the bucket yourself.
Brokenstar: No idea how it happened, it just did.
Maggottail: Then…they have recognized my wish!
Snowtuft: They?
Maggottail: Them you blithering cat! They have recognized my wish!
Thistleclaw: No cat care here cares about your stupid wish.
Maggottail: You’ll grant my wish or none of you get a penny of my vast fortune.
Collectively, the DF cats think of the 1,000,000 dollar bouncy house they’ve been dreaming about since their first appearance in the hellspawn that is the Dark Forest.
*silence*
Darkstripe: I remember now why Maggottail is so evil.
Tigerstar: For once in my life, I agree with Darkstripe.
Darkstripe: *eyes suddenly light up* Y-You really mean it-
Tigerstar: Don’t push it.
Maggottail: For as long as I have lived and died, I had but I one wish. I would find seven of the pettiest, most ghastly, cruel, delusional, arrogant, apathetic, and vicious cats in order to…
*silence*
Mapleshade: *deadpan voice* In order to do what? We don’t have all day/night/whatever time it is, and neither do you.
Maggottail: You’ll wait for my dramatic pause, or I’ll leave nothing in my will to you missy.
Mapleshade: *eye twitch* Missy?
*more silence*
Shredtail: Is he dead?
Snowtuft: If he were dead, his body would have already disappeared into nothing, leaving only a bloody stain.
*even more silence*
Thistleclaw: For the love of Sn…JUST TELL US!
Maggottail: *snoring* Huh, what? *wakes up* In order to summon the seven deadly sins, and become a god!
The wind around all the Dark Forest cats starts swirling around as Maggottail’s eyes glow a poisonous green.
Thistleclaw: …I’m out of here. *leaves*
Maggottail: *voice becomes demonic sounding* ANd now FinaLly, in my last hour, I hAve foUNd the SevEn!
Hawkfrost: This has escalated very, very quickly-
Tigerstar: Shut up you idiot and run!
A vortex of sheer evil and darkness forms around the gathered cats except Thistleclaw, who was smart enough to leave, and Sparrowfeather, who’s trying to track the author down, as seven arcane circles form out of the wind.
Darkstripe: *out of breath* So much…*gasps* for running.
Hawkfrost: I knew Maggottail was evil, but now he’s gone absolutely power mad!
Mapleshade: You could have chosen any other goal. You could have kicked a kitten. Maybe even succeeded in killing some cat. But no, you had to pick completing a *[please keep language appropriate] demonic ritual-
Maggottail: *voice of one thousand evil cats* Shut up you pathetic cat, your scathing remarks TIRE ME SO!
Mapleshade is suddenly flung over to the green circle and starts floating in the air.
Maggottail: MAPLESHADE, YOU HAVE LOVED AND LOST-
Mapleshade: A history lesson? Oh joy-
Maggottail: -AND THROUGHOUT ALL YOUR LIFE YOU’VE SOUGHT OUT REVENGE AGAINST YOUR ENEMIES, THOSE INNOCENT CATS WHO NEVER WRONGED YOU, JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE RELATED TO THE ONE WHO BETRAYED YOU. YOU WERE WRONGED IN YOUR LIFE, BUT SOUGHT REVENGE INSTEAD OF FORGIVENESS. YOU WENT MAD, AND DUG UP CORPSES, POSIONED FRECKLEWISH, AND TRIED TO KILL REEDSHINE, WHOM YOU BELIEVE TOOK APPLEDUSK FROM YOU. YOU SOUGHT TO KILL SANDSTORM, JUST BECAUSE SHE LIVED A GOOD LIFE, A LIFE YOU COVETED. IN YOUR ENVY, YOU RUINED LIVES AND DESTROYED CATS, ALL BECAUSE THEY HAD WHAT YOU WANTED.
Mapleshade: I am a dead cat not a dead magical cat now GET ME DOWN FROM HERE YOU OLD GEEZER!
Brokenstar: Okay…let’s all just calm down. Look, Maggottail, I understand wanting power, but performing unholy rituals is not the way to go-
Maggottail’s eyes glow a sickly orange. Brokenstar is flung into the orange circle where he starts flailing and floating.
Brokenstar: * I’m afraid of heights!
Shredtail: Oh foxdung. We’re really screwed this time, WE ARE SO-*slapped*
Darkstripe: Get a hold of yourself tom! We must all be brave like Tigerstar!
Tigerstar would like to go to his nonexistent house and go to sleep and pretend two of his subordinates aren’t magically floating in the air now please.
Maggottail: BROKENSTAR, YOU KILLED YOUR FATHER IN ORDER TO RULE SHADOWCLAN, BRUTALLY MURDERED INNOCENT KITS YOU APPRENTICED TOO EARLY, AND EXILED ELDERS TO FEND FOR THEMSELVES. YOU STOLE FROM THUNDERCLAN TO REPLACE WHAT +YOU KILLED, AND CHASED AWAY WINDCLAN IN ORDER TO STEAL THEIR TERRITORY AND CONSUME THEIR PREY. YOU KILLED AND WEAKENED YOUR CLAN WITHIN, LIKE A GLUTTONOUS PARASITE.
Brokenstar: *closing his eyes so he doesn’t see the ground* I’m in my happy place slaughtering kits, I’m in my happy place slaughtering kits…
Snowtuft: Are we just going to watch this?
Shredtail: You’re supposed to be the smart one! What do you think will happen if we try and interfere?!
Hawkfrost: I really shouldn’t be recording this, but Mapleshade’s reaction was too funny. Hey Dad…Dad?
Tigerstar is floating in the air towards a circle as Maggottail’s eyes glow a molten yellow.
Tigerstar:*deadpan* Wheeeee
Maggottail: TIGERSTAR, YOU WERE AMBITIOUS AND SOUGHT TO TAKE OVER THE CLANS, AND YOUR MENTOR ENCOURAGED THIS AMBITION.
Thistleclaw” *from outside circle* Just walk away Thistleclaw. Don’t get involved, Thistleclaw…
Maggottail: IN YOUR GREED, YOU MURDERED INNOCENT CATS TO ACHIEVE YOUR AMBITIONS, TOOK OVER SHADOWCLAN, AND EVEN TRIED TO COMBINE ALL FOUR CLANS UNDER YOUR RULE IN YOUR QUEST FOR POWER. YOUR GREED EXTENDED EVEN TO YOUR DEATH, AND THROUGH YOUR SONS. EVEN THROUGH THE LIVING YOU CARRIED OUT YOUR GOALS. ALL THIS FOR THE SAKE OF DESTROYING FIRESTAR.
Tigerstar:*shrug* Caught me there. Can we discuss the death casualties next? Or better yet, we can all go away and pretend this never happened.
Snowtuft: He seems to be going in alphabetical order according to each sin.
Shredtail: Then, that means up next is lust!
Mapleshade: Then that would be…
Mapleshade, Tigerstar, and Shredtail look expectantly at Hawkfrost.
Hawkfrost: Wha…Don’t look at me! I don’t act like that in the actual books! Well, that much, at least…
Snowtuft: It’s true, he’s only depicted that way in fanon. And this spoof…
Maggottail: NOW THAT I HAVE ACCUMULATED THREE OF THE SEVEN, I CAN EXTEND MY POWER EVEN TO STARCLAN! NOW, FOR THE FOURTH CAT…
---
Ashfur: *moping in a corner of StarClan*
Suddenly, an evil looking rift opens underneath Ashfur and pulls him through it.
---
Ashfur: No, I lost my trilby! *looks around* StarClan swore to me this would never happen again!
Hawkfrost: Now this *, on the other paw…at least I admit I’m evil!
Darkstripe: Why is there a fedora just randomly floating by…?
Maggottail’s eyes glow dark blue, and Ashfur is flung into the dark blue circle where he starts floating.
Maggottail: ASHFUR, YOUR ONLY FAULT WAS TO LOVE TOO MUCH-
Ashfur: Exactly! Now get me down from here, I am nothing like these evil…monsters!
Maggottail: YOUR ONLY FAULT WAS TO LOVE TOO MUCH, BUT IT WAS A MASSIVE FAULT.
Ashfur: How is Squirrelflight betraying me my fault?!
Maggottail: BECAUSE YOU COULD NOT LET SQUIRRELFLIGHT GO, YOU BECAME DELUSIONAL AND IRRATIONAL. YOU TREATED SQUIRRELFLIGHT LIKE AN OBJECT, SOMETHING TO OBTAIN, AND WHEN YOU LOST HER AFFECTION, YOU BEGAN TO LOSE YOUR SANITY. IN ORDER TO MAKE HER SUFFER FOR LEAVING YOU, YOU ASSISTED HAWKFROST IN AN ATTEMPT TO ASSASSINATE YOUR LEADER, BRUTALLY ATTACKED YOUR APPRENTICE, AND THEN TRIED TO KILL YOUR DESIRED OBJECT’S KITS IN ORDER TO HURT HER.
Ashfur: She deserved it though!
Maggottail: *ANNOYED SIGHING* STOP BEING DELUSIONAL AND SHUT UP FOR DARK FOREST’S SAKE!
*awkward silence*
Maggottail: ALL THIS FOR THE SAKE OF ‘LOVE.’ LOVE IS SOMETHING THAT IS PURE AND GOOD, AND THIS LOVE YOU CORRUPTED. YOU CARED ABOUT YOUR OWN LUST AND WHAT YOU WANTED, NOT HOW SQUIRRELFLIGHT FELT OR WHAT SHE CARED ABOUT.
Ashfur: I loved Squirrelflight! It isn’t my fault that she was a faithless she-cat! I’m the victim here!
Snowtuft: I see what you mean by delusional.
Mapleshade: Some cat give me a reason for why he’s in StarClan.
Brokenstar: *has his eyes closed* Apparently he loved too much, according to my mother.
Mapleshade: Some cat give me a valid reason for why he’s in StarClan.
Maggottail: NOW TO FIND THAT SHE-CAT…
Shredtail: She-cat? What the Dark Forest are you talking about?! The only she-cat here is Mapleshade and you already-
-Maggottail closes his eyes and Hollyleaf falls out of a rift in the air.
Snowtuft: Well, there’s you’re answer.
Hawkfrost: Huh. It’s not every day a random she-cat falls out of the air.
Hollyleaf: Ouch! *winces* what was all that about…? *looks up and sees the vortex of evil wind, the seven arcane circles and the floating DF cats* W-Why am I in the Dark Forest?!
Shredtail: It’s not usually like this, I swear.
Darkstripe: You see, Maggottail went mad with power, and so now he’s summoning cats to complete some evil demonic ritual.
Hollyleaf: *turns towards Darkstripe’s direction* R-ritual!?
Maggottail: SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU GIVE ME A HEADACHE!!
Maggottail’s eyes glow an eerie purple and Hollyleaf is flung towards the purple circle and starts floating. Strangely, she only floats a foot or two off the ground.
Maggottail: HOLLYLEAF, ALL YOUR LIFE YOU SOUGHT TO DEFEND THE WARRIOR CODE. HOWEVER, YOU WERE ARROGANT, SETTING YOURSELF HIGHER THAN CATS OUTSIDE THE CODE, AND QUICK TO REPRIMAND THOSE WHO DIDN’T FOLLOW IT. YOU BELIEVED YOU WERE PERFECT, AND THE WORLD SHOULD BE PERFECT AS WELL.
Hollyleaf: Those things, all of those things! …are true. *looks away in sorrow*
Maggottail: IN YOUR PRIDE, YOU LOST YOUR SENSE OF SANITY AT BEING CONSIDERED OUTSIDE THE CODE, TO BE FLAWED, AND YOU MURDERED ASHFUR BECAUSE OF IT-
Ashfur: She did! And it was for nothing too!
Brokenstar: *still has his eyes closed* Does anybody else notice that she gets a giant explanation for why she represents pride-
Maggottail: -WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH MY SENTENCE?! I MEAN GEEZ, DID ANYONE TEACH YOU MANNERS?!
Shredtail: Great, now Maggottail has turned into Mom. *is slapped by an evil vortex of wind and flung backwards*
Maggottail: …REVEALED THE TRUTH AT THE GATHERING THAT YOU WERE LEAFPOOL’S KIT IN ORDER TO RUIN HER REPUTATION SINCE YOU STOPPED CARING ABOUT THE CODE, ALMOST KILLED YOUR OWN MOTHER, AND THEN RAN AWAY SO YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO FACE THE CONSEQEUNCES FOR YOUR ACTIONS, BECAUSE YOU REFUSED TO ADMIT YOU WERE WRONG. YOU TURNED A BLIND EYE TO YOUR OWN FAULTS.
Hollyleaf’s eyes glow purple before quickly turning back to normal.
Maggottail: WHAT THE…*CONFUSED* WHY ISN’T THE RITUAL WORKING ANYMORE?!
Hollyleaf: You are right about what you have said, and I don’t deserve forgiveness for them. But, that was who I once was, not who I am! I learned to humble myself so I could just be the best warrior I can be. I didn’t want power after that, recognition, or glory. I just…I just wanted to right all the wrongs I did!
Maggottail: YOU HUMBLED YOURSELF?!
Hollyleaf: *weak smile* I guess I did.
Maggottail: THAT IS…PROBLEMATIC. I WILL HAVE TO REMEDY THIS BY BRINGING IN A CAT TO CANCEL YOU OUT.
Maggottail reaches through a hole in the fourth wall…
________________________________________________________________________
Sol: I wonder how many "elipses” you use per spoof. 30? 35?
Basement Cat: *giggling*
Sol: What are you laughing at…?
*realization*
Sol: Oh f-*a tear in the fourth wall emerges and Sol is sucked into it*
---
Sol falls from 200 feet off the ground and would surely be killed if it weren’t for the fact that he landed on top of one of the circles and started floating before he hit the ground. Maggottail’s eyes glow a pale bluish green, or greenish blue. Uh…turquoise? Aqua marine? AGH
Maggottail: SOL, YOU ARE SLOTHFUL, AND WOULD RATHER OTHER CATS DO YOU YOUR DIRTY WORK THAN DO IT YOURSELF. YOU ENDANGERED LEAFSTAR’S KITS BY PUTTING THEM IN HARM’S WAY, THEN PLOTTED TO BE THE HERO THAT WOULD SAVE THEM, BECAUSE IDEALISM WAS TOO MUCH WORK FOR YOU. YOU LEFT THE CLAN YOU FORMED TO BE DESTROYED AND DIDN’T LIFT A PAW TO HELP THEM. YOU MANIPULATE AND DECIEVE CATS TO DO YOUR BIDDING, AND CORRUPT AND PERSUADE WITH JUST YOUR WORDS. YOU ALSO DO NOT BELIEVE IN STARCLAN’S POWER, OR ANY DIVINE POWER.
Sol: Sure, just go ahead and blab my entire story to the world! Besides, I-
Hollyleaf: Save your excuses. We all know you’re a liar, Sol. Everything he said was true. You’re so lazy, you can’t even fight! You couldn’t land a single hit against me.
Sol: If you want to be boastful and compare paltry to excellence, then go compare your fighting skills to the cat who killed you.
Darkstripe: Uh, maybe you two should stop arguing…
Snowtuft: Glowing circles are a sign that the ritual is going right.
The circles Hollyleaf and Sol are in are indeed glowing.
Hawkfrost: Do you think Hollyleaf is single?
Darkstripe: Uh, she’s like….30 moons younger than you.
Hawkfrost: Since when did age matter? Most of Clan relationships have wide age gaps anyways, and as long as both are warriors, no cat is going to really complain.
Mapleshade: Didn’t you kill her though?
Hawkfrost: *waves paw half-heartedly* It’s not a big deal.
Ashfur: I agree, I would kill Squirrelfight for our love.
Brokenstar: *still not staring at the ground* It’s kind of a big deal. Also, that’s plain screwed up Ashfur.
Maggottail: I SHIP HER WITH SOL ANYWAYS.
Snowtuft: I personally see her with Ivypool.
Shredtail: *lying on ground in agony* Can she just be mateless? I mean, I never needed a mate…
Tigerstar: Oh for the love of…GET ON WITH THE STORY!
Crowd: Yes, get on with it!
Hollyleaf and Sol seem to have not heard the (some rather disturbing) comments about them.
Hollyleaf: I only died because if I didn’t attack directly and take the killing blow, Ivypool would have died in my stead! Besides, I held my own while bleeding to death. If I was at my full strength, I’d be more than a match…
The circle Hollyleaf is floating in glows bright purple while Sol’s circle glows a greenish blue.
Maggottail: GOOD, THOSE TWO MAKE EACH OTHER’S LESS DESIRABLE TRAITS APPEAR WHENEVER THEY MEET, SO NOW PRIDE WILL POWER UP! NOW, JUST ONE MORE CAT…
________________________________________________________________________
Somewhere in purgatory…
Scourge: Do you have any 3’s?
Bone: Go fish.
A creepy hand shows up out of nowhere and descends upon Scourge.
Scourge: I thought I had seen everything when that tall Twoleg with no face appeared. *is grabbed and disappears*
Bone: …I win by default.
________________________________________________________________________
Maggottail: THE SEVENTH AND FINAL CAT, SCOURGE!
Tigerstar: SCOURGE?! EEEP-I mean…b-back for round two I see?
Scourge: *deadpan* What is this?
Brokenstar: *starts laughing uncontrollably* Really, Tigerstar, you couldn’t kill this pipsqueak? *looks down* GROUND, GROUND! *covers his eyes again*
Tigerstar: You saw first paw what he did to one of your warriors!
Brokenstar: I was too busy scavenging for food back then to remember some creepy cat.
Snowtuft: Those claws…how do they stay in his fur without being painfully imbedded?
Hawkfrost: It is pretty sad. In stories you told us Scourge was this demon cat with fox claws, wolf teeth and spikes sticking out of his neck.
Mapleshade: I would have snapped his skinny neck when I first saw him.
Hollyleaf: I’m more disturbed at how similar he looks to Firestar…And me!
Sol: He looks a lot like Hollyleaf. I wouldn’t be surprised if the psycho was related to that psycho.
Hollyleaf: *eyes full of contempt* Said the sociopath.
Scourge: I now see why I wasn’t sent to this place. I would have killed you all ages ago…
Maggottail’s eyes glow blood red and Scourge is hovered over to the final circle.
Maggottail: SCOURGE, YOU WERE ONCE AN INNOCENT KIT WHO WAS ALMOST KILLED BY TIGERPAW-
Tigerstar: Hold it! You were the kit I attacked all those moons ago?
Maggottail: *ANNOYED SIGH* …HOWEVER, YOU VOWED REVENGE AGAINST TIGERPAW, AND PROMISED YOU WOULD KILL HIM ONE DAY. IN YOUR WRATH TO ACHIEVE YOUR REVENGE, YOU BECAME EVERY EVIL THING YOU SAID YOU WERE. THE FIRST TIME YOU KILLED A CAT, YOU WELCOMED THE FEELING OF ICE IN YOUR VEINS, AND IT ONLY BECAME COLDER. YOU LEFT THE CATS UNDER YOU TO FEND FOR THEMSELVES AND RULED BY FEAR, CRUSHING ANY OPPOSITION CRUELLY. YOUR BID FOR POWER LED YOU TO TIGERSTAR ONCE MORE, WHO YOU BRUTALLY MURDERED IN ORDER TO COMPLETE YOUR REVENGE AGAINST THE CAT WHO WRONGED YOU.
Scourge: *deadpan* You are breathing in my personal space.
Ashfur: Okay, I’ve had enough. GET ME DOWN FROM HERE YOU CRAZY DEMON CAT, I WANT OUT OF HERE!!
Maggottail: I AM SOMETHING FAR MORE POWERFUL THAN A MERE DEMON.
Maggottail’s eyes glow an ominous and rather pretty rainbow as each circle glows their respective color. The cats’ eyes in each circle glows the same color, and there is a lot of eerie light.
Hawkfrost: Uh…should we help them?
Shredtail: *staggering in pain from the blast earlier* I would normally would say no, but this isn’t a normal occurrence! Snowtuft, grab my mangled tail and pull!
Snowtuft: So now you decide to help?!
Darkstripe: Snowtuft, BEHIND YOU-
Hawkfrost, Shredtail, Snowtuft and Darkstripe are flung violently away from the seven circles.
Darkstripe: *whining* My face…
Maggottail: YOU INCOMPETENT FOOLS! BY GIVING ME THE SEVEN CATS NEEDED TO COMPLETE THIS UNHOLY RITUAL, YOU HAVE GIVEN ME THE POWER TO CONQUER GALAXIES! I HAVE BECOME ALL-POWERFULL!!!! *explodes*
The seven cats inexplicably fall back down to their deaths as bits of rainbow magic fly everywhere.
Tigerstar: Well, that was anticlimactic.
Hawkfrost: *wincing in pain* We…we still get the insurance, right? *collapses*
Brokenstar: Insurance later! Right now, ALL SEVEN OF US ARE FALLING TO OUR DEATHS!
Sol: Don’t let me die! Unlike these others, I’M STILL ALIVE!
Every cat lands on the ground with a sickening crunch.
Hawkfrost: *looks up* Tigerstar? Brokenstar? Are you all…Did you…move on again?
Darkstripe: I’m content to just lie here in pain.
Mapleshade: Ow…
Snowtuft: *limping slightly* How are you all alive?! You fell from 665 feet off the ground! If it weren’t for asterisks you would have fallen a foot longer!
Ashfur: Magic?
Hollyleaf: *looking for injuries on herself* I…I think it is magic!
Sol: Quick, some cat kill another cat who was in the circle! Preferably one with a dark pelt!
In a lightning fast flash, Scourge moves forward and slices open Brokenstar’s neck. Brokenstar falls over predictably dead.
Scourge: I forget that killing is muscle memory now. Oops…
Brokenstar: *feels face* I’m…I’m still dead and not gone for good?
Tigerstar: It would seem so.
Mapleshade: You there, crazy cat. What were you saying about magic?
Hollyleaf: Crazy? You’re one to talk. What I was trying to say was that-
Sol: -we’re immortal. We can’t fade away. And apparently we all talk in color now. *gets a glare from Hollyleaf for interrupting her*
Ashfur: So you’re saying that we could all kill one another and still not fade away?
Mapleshade: This means…that we can regroup. The Dark Forest will rise again, and destroy the Clans for good!
Tigerstar: Maggottail has given us a second opportunity, it seems. It would be wasteful of us to throw that second chance away…
Hollyleaf: You’ll never get another chance to attack the Clans! I will stop you, alone if I must.
*silence*
Brokenstar: Oh yeah, I forget you’re a StarClan cat. Oh well, it’s still six against one.
Ashfur: Hey! I’m StarClan too, I’m just not affiliating with her.
Snowtuft: *still horribly injured* Do you StarClan cats argue this much all the time?
Sol: Well, I’m at a loss at what to do. So…*tries to escape through rift in the fourth wall, but fourth wall won’t open this time.*
Sol: …Oh.
Hollyleaf: Are you telling me…I can’t leave the Dark Forest?! I-I’m stuck here?!
Ashfur: You mean you are stuck. I’ll be rescued in no time at all as I do not belong here.
Hollyleaf: Some cat please hold me back before I kill him again.
Scourge: I’ll do it!
*silence*
Scourge: …I’m missing my game of go fish anyways.
Mapleshade: Is this whole immortality thing permanent?
Hawkfrost: *still injured and lying on the ground* I hope so, nonexistence is so boring. All it has on TV to watch is reruns.
Tigerstar: The food there is decent, at the least.
Hollyleaf: *frantically trying to send a signal to StarClan* There has to be a way out of here.
Sol: The fourth wall…always works. Why. Isn’t. It. Working? *twitches*
Tigerstar: I don’t usually let StarClan cats leave in one piece, but today/whatever time it is, I’ll make an exception. This map with detailed written instructions will lead you out through the Fog of Lost Souls and back to StarClan. If you show up on our territory again, we’ll kill you. Er…torture you? Tax you? I’ve got to rethink this whole immortality thing.
Ashfur: *snatches map* Uh…
Hollyleaf: I can’t read.
Shredtail: *lying down in pain* Will the author please make her mind up on whether we are aware of the story or not?
*silence*
Tigerstar: Right, I forgot about that. Looks like you are stuck here.
________________________________________________________________________
Later…
Scourge: Do you have any 4’s?
Ashfur: *sigh* Yes.
Scourge: Your face looks really familiar. Wait…aren’t you that cat who mocked me all those moons ago?
Ashfur: Uh…No, that was Brambleclaw.
*silence*
Scourge: Yes, I definitely know that face. You’re that tom who tried to burn his former love’s kits alive.
Ashfur: Wha…?! How could you know what happened? *coughs unconvincingly* Assuming that did in fact happen.
Scourge: I know it happened because a lot of your fanart either has you confronting Squirrelflight in the fire or your death scene. Or, it’s the shipping of you and me.
Ashfur: There’s no use denying my actions then. But she deserved it for betraying me! Uh, what was that about you and me in ‘fanart’ and ‘shipping?’
Scourge: Some of – okay, a lot of my fans portray you and me as mates.
Ashfur: Oh…*realization* Wait, WHAT?! My only true love is Squirrelflight! Was, that faithless she-cat…but I love her…I’ll destroy her! I love her that much! *coughs* How do you even know this?
Scourge: *edging away slowly from the unstable cat next to him* When I was killed, I was damned to purgatory. My punishment for my deeds…
Scourge looks down as his cards as he tries not to shudder.
Scourge: …Was that I was doomed to see past the book series into the real world.
Ashfur: Real world?
Scourge: I don’t want to talk about it.
Ashfur: What the hell is ‘the real world’? Have you been eating the dark forest fungus?
Scourge: I said I won’t talk about it! *murders Ashfur*
Ashfur: …
Scourge: …
Ashfur: I was forced here against my will and I am honestly feeling so attacked right now.
________________________________________________________________________
Mapleshade: *hissing murderously* I tolerate you, Sol, but you’re really pushing it. The. Mud. Baths. Are. Mine.
Sol: Your's? You mean like everything else you have stolen? *points to Tigerstar's pink ball of yarn, Hawkfrost's mirror, Sorreltail's sorrel, Darkstripe, a pair of scissors, and Ashfur's trilby*
Mapleshade: I wanted them, so I took them. Now get out.
Darkstripe: Can I leave now? *is slapped*
Sol: Listen up greenie. I have been through some serious trauma today. I was wrenched from my comfortable spot where I was doing nothing, forced to become part of a demonic ritual, and then lost my fourth wall powers. I need some relaxation. You hear that Basement Cat? The truce is off! When I get back to the canon story, I will make you suffer for this!
I have no regrets. Oh, and Mapleshade is seething, almost literally.
Sol: But if you go fetch me a sandwich, we’ll talk.
Mapleshade: *snaps and kills Sol*
Sol: You see, threatening me with death isn’t going to work anymore. Now, about that sandwich…
Mapleshade: *impressive eye twitch of twitchiness* That’s fine, dear. I’ll make you a sandwich.
Sol: What are you-
Mapleshade: I’ll make a FINE sandwich from you.
Sol: Oh. Look, Mapleshade, you know I was joking.
...
Sol: *gulp* R-Right? I knew the fandom thought Mapleshade was a cannibal but COME ON!
Mapleshade: *maniacal laughter*
-
Hawkfrost: So…are you still mad about the whole ‘killing you thing’…
Hollyleaf: *ordering Shredtail to light up dead fungus* Obviously.
Hawkfrost: Does that mean yes or no-
Hollyleaf: -It means an insignificant speck is speaking to me and hindering my goal to leave this hellspawn.
Thistleclaw: *is in a jester suit making a fire* how the hell did I get dragged into this
Hawkfrost: Oh ho! You’re playing hard to get, are you?
Hollyleaf: *raised nonexistent eyebrows* Servant! Escort this creature away to the prisons.
Shredtail: *eye twitch* I don’t know why I’m doing this…
Sparrowfeather: *is being used as a chair* Hollyleaf, I can’t breat-
Hollyleaf: Chairs don’t talk.
Sparrowfeather: *struggling to breathe* You’re…worse…than…Tiger…star.*wheezing*
Hawkfrost: I will return for youuuuuu *is dragged away by disgruntled Shredtail*
-
Brokenstar is watching the disaster unfold with a devious grin on his face.
Tigerstar: I want to record this for future Dark Forest warriors to see – paying to see it, of course. Oh, and pass me some popcorn.
Brokenstar: *looking down* When the hell did I buy popcorn?!
Tigerstar: I don’t know. Food has been appearing randomly of late around you. …Brokenstar?
Brokenstar interrupted Hollyleaf’s ‘task force’ and currently is currently nomming on Sparrowfeather’s leg.
Brokenstar: Uhh…
Tigerstar: Did…you just try to eat Sparrowfeather?
Sparrowfeather: fml ;-;
Hollyleaf: Get your own servant mongrel!
Snowtuft: What the *censored* is wrong with this place?
FIN ~
Well, actually, I couldn't stop laughing through most of it. Hilarious!