The Dark Forest - Behind the Scenes

Summary: Our evil Dark Forest warriors BTS. What exactly are they like behind the camera? (or in this case: books)

-

*Somewhere in the bleak territory of the Dark Forest full darkness and trees, Thistleclaw vainly struggles against the pressures of staying in character. Let's just see how this goes...*

Thistleclaw: We should be out there now, training to destroy the Clans! Mapleshade, surely you understand this whole thing is-

*pause*

Clearly our *ahem* 'hero' seems to have run into an obstacle.

Thistleclaw: Mapleshade, what are you doing.

Mapleshade: I was asleep. You imbecile, you woke me up!

Thistleclaw: You're sleeping in the middle of our training grounds!

Mapleshade: Heh, and I would just love to see you try to move me. Besides, being fueled by nothing but hate and spite is taxing on me. I need my beauty sleep.

Brokenstar: Define 'beauty.'

Thistleclaw: Brokenstar? When did you show up?

Brokenstar: I've been here the entire time. You were too busy being in character to notice.

Sol: Hey! *busts through fourth wall* Only I can break the fourth wall!

Thistleclaw: *snarling* Who is this fool?! How did you get in the Dark Forest without us noticing?

Sol: The answer is yes.

Brokenstar: That's not an answer at all!
DX

Mapleshade: You should really not use emoticons.

Sol: *shrug* Blame the author's poor attempt to make a funny and original spoof.

Brokenstar: Huh... That explains why every cat is so out of character.

Sol: Except for Thistleclaw, as he is too boring.

Thistleclaw: Say that to my face you spineless bag of sh-

Hawkfrost: *appears in a cloud of dark and ominous smoke* I HAVE RETURNED!

Sol: Let vengeance begin?

Mapleshade: That was... surprisingly in character for Hawkfrost.

Thistleclaw: *growls in annoyance* Fools! I will destroy the Clans myself then! You can all make idiots of yourselves while I go do something actually productive in destroying the Clans! Your all so pathetic!

Sol: *You're

Thistleclaw: ...Fine. FINE. I'll speak properly. I hate you're bloody guts!

Sol: *Your

Thistleclaw: *face of utter disbelief* Screw this, I'm leaving.

Our evil protagonist has left the training grounds.

...Wait – what? Hey, your the main character for this episode…*sigh*

Sol: *You're

Don't point out my grammar mistakes you twit!

Brokenstar: You know, where in the Dark Forest is Tigerstar in all this? He should have shown up by now at the least...

Tigerstar: No. I am going to walk away from this mess, and pretend I saw nothing.

Brokenstar: Tigerstar, you are not leaving me to deal with them alone!

Tigerstar has left the training grounds.

Brokenstar: TIGERSTAR! *growls* You are paying the bills for next 6 months for this little stunt!

Tigerstar: *far way* Worth it!

Brokenstar: *eye twitch*

Sol: Well then...it looks like the first spoof is a bust. Also, why am I even here to begin with? I'm not dead like the rest of these freaks.

Mapleshade: *grumbling* The amount of levels to which I care are at an astounding zero percent.

*silence*

Hawkfrost: WE SHALL RIP THEM ASUNDER!

Brokenstar: Hawkfrost, stop. Just...stop. As my underling, you embarrass all that is vile and evil by shouting your evil motives.

Hawkfrost: Hey, ugly, who is it who convinced so many dumb apprentices to join the obvious dark side? That would be, in all my awe inspiring glory. And, who’s the one who came up with the motto ‘Death to the Clans’ for our DF trainee motivational poster that crashed and burned? That would be you.

Brokenstar: Y-y…*seething* YOU WERE FOLLOWING TIGERSTAR'S ORDERS YOU ARROGANT BRAT!

Hawkfrost: Well you see, the thing is, I don't give a single crap. Must I remind you that I am the only Dark Forest cat without a reason to be evil? I do what I please.

Brokenstar: I hate college age cats SO MUCH. What if I told his highness that he died a pathetic death? You haven't even killed any cat yet!

Hawkfrost: You dare insult my evil honor? *takes off white glove and slaps Brokenstar with it* Bring it wrinkly grandpa.This is a duel between two evil gentlecats now. Wield your swordfish and have at me!

Brokenstar: What the...I don't even know what a swordfish is!

Sol: Okay, hold up. Gentlecats? How are either of you two 'gentle?'

Mapleshade: *staring boredly into space* Who cares. You're all acting like kits.

Sol: Brokenstar, you brutally murdered tiny kits.

Brokenstar: *nodding* That assessment is true.

Sol: And Hawkfrost, you solve your problems by violently wrestling them to the ground. How is that gentle?

Hawkfrost: *grinning ear to ear* That's not the only thing I wres-

Mapleshade: *eye-twitch* -Okay, I've had enough of this stupidity. I was going to watch you both kill each other but I swear, the idiocy is contagious. I'll be plotting my enemies' downfall and washing my luxurious and beautiful fur if you need me. ...Don't need me.

Mapleshade has left the training grounds.

Sol: And then there were three.

Brokenstar: Luxurious?

Hawkfrost: *trying not to laugh* Beautiful?

Sol: As a member of the Tortoiseshell Society, I have sworn an oath of secrecy to all fellow tortoiseshells.

*silence*

Brokenstar: I have no idea what this cat is talking about. And why is there a poisonous prickly puffer fish positioned next to my paws all of a sudden? How do I even use this thing without being poisoned to death again?!

Hawkfrost: Hey, that's not fair! Swordfish are really pointy but puffer fish are poisonous and pointy!
I swear, this duel is rigged!

Brokenstar: How...how do I even know what type of fish this is?

Sol: It is a poorly. Constructed. Spoof. It means I can do this. *disappears in a cloud of pink smoke*

Snowtuft. Uh...am I hallucinating or some random cat just disappear into thin air?

Hawkfrost: WHOA, WHAT THE-....Have you been standing there the entire time doing nothing but watching us?

Brokenstar: That's really, really creepy, Snowtuft.

Snowtuft: We are dead evil cats. Creepy is a sort of a part of our job description.

Hawkfrost: Well, whatever. Enough talking! Now is the time for war! Have at ye and defend your evilness...ness!

Sparrowfeather: *shows up huffing and puffing with a clownfish* Hey everyone...am I...too late...to...join...the due-ACK! *trips on puffer fish*

Brokenstar: *carelessly stabbing Sparrowfeather with a broken stick* ...I didn't know a puffer fish could cause paralysis.

*Sparrowfeather is out cold*

Hawkfrost: *sadistic grin* Lets draw a mustache on her.

Do you have anything to say about the DF-BTS parodies? Any suggestions or ideas? Do you just want to say stuff? Reply if you want me to add your mouth words to this post. I shall do so. Heck, you can even share artwork if you really want to put the effort. ^^

Yes you saved them!

I love these

#2

Narrator Voice Thingy: Our story continues as we switch to a different PoV since some cat *glares at Thistleclaw* walked out on my first one! So now, a most humble, most wise, and most kind cat takes the center stage…

Sol: Yeesh, enough of the word ‘most’ already. You did pass basic English, right?

Can it, Sol.

Sol: My. How touchy you are.

Sol suddenly found himself in a lonely, tranquil forest, and by fickle chance happened to land right on top of a disgruntled Hollyleaf.

Hollyleaf: WAAGH! *unnerved* Who or what just landed on top of me?

Sol: Oh, you are good. I will give you that much, Miss Narrator.

Hollyleaf: What just...what? Sol? Get off of me!

Sol and Hollyleaf’s eyes lock onto on another, their passionate emotions overflowing.

Sol: Hey...! Hollyleaf. I imagined me on top of you before but it didn't exactly go like thi-

Hollyleaf: -Save your pandering for some cat that cares. I told you to never come back here. And this time? I WILL end you-

Sol: -Riiight, okay. Well, here's the thing. I am going to abuse the fact we are fictional characters now. *escapes through hole in the ground in a mad hatter costume* ARRIVADECCI!

Hollyleaf: What just…what?

It can be nothing but love those two feel for one another.

…Ah, yes! Now that Sol has been temporarily taken care of, I can actually move on to the real protagonist. Aka: a royal brat.

-

Moons ago back in Fading Echoes…

Hawkfrost: Okay, Dad, I’ve taken care of the whole ‘evil Third’ thing you keep talking about with my natural awesomeness.

Ivypaw: Hello!

Hawkfrost: Can I can have love and affection now?

Tigerstar: You neglected to get the right cat, thus you are a failure as always. It was supposed to be…er, who was it again? Hollyleaf?

Snowtuft: *whispering to Shredtail* I don’t remember Tigerstar mentioning anything about an 'evil Third'. I am for sure that it was because an apprentice from ThunderClan was ready to be indocrinated, or something along those lines.

Shredtail: *loudly* WHY ARE WE WHISPERING?

Snowtuft: *groans internally*

Clawface: I swear, Shredtail, you make freaking Darkstripe look smart.

Hawkfrost: *looking confused at Shredtail* Hollyleaf has been dead for moons now. She was crushed to death by rocks.

Tigerstar: Then who…curse it all, where are my reading glasses?!

Snowtuft: Sir, I must inform you that we are cats. We do not wear glasses.

Tigerstar: Eh? Hawkfrost! Why didn’t you tell me we were cats! If you were Brambleclaw you would have told me right away!

Clawface: Yeesh, Tigerstar, you don’t have to be so awful to your so-

Tigerstar: *kicks off convenient cliff with size 27 spiked cleats* And that’s why you don’t show up in the books. I’m going to go away now, for I hate you all.

Hawkfrost: I shall continue to ignore your faults and idolize you to an unhealthy degree and ask: what exactly am I supposed to do with this apprentice thing I picked up? *holds up Ivypaw who is currently nomming Hawkfrost’s tail* It keeps following me around and biting my tail!

Tigerstar has lost the ability to care and is pretending no other cat exists.

Hawkfrost: Dad? Hellooo?

Snowtuft: You do realize that he is just going to ignore you-

Ivypaw: You are so pretty!

Hawkfrost: I know I'm a sexy mess, but come on! I’m being bullied by a kit!

Snowtuft: I think that was supposed to be a complement…Moron.

Mapleshade: *walks up randomly to advance the plot* I think it fancies you.

Hawkfrost: Fancies…?

Snowtuft: It means she likes you.

Hawkfrost: ???

Mapleshade: *sigh* Romantically.

Hawkfrost: Wait a minute…*processing information* WTDF she’s only 8 moons!

Mapleshade: *raises non-existent eyebrow* So?

Hawkfrost: So?! I am old enough to be her grandfather! I mean, if I were still alive. The only thing that makes it not as creepy is that I was brutally stabbed to death at 24 moons and I don’t look any older than that!

Mapleshade: So, idiot, you use her naivety and young age to your advantage to gain a loyal Dark Forest apprentice.

Hawkfrost: Well yeah, if she was older, but she’s barely an apprentice! Unlike you, Mapleshade, I actually have standards. ...Sort of. Seriously, who does that-*slapped*

Tigerstar: Respect my mother you runt! She was barely a warrior while my filthy, impure kittypet father was older than dirt when my greatness was conceived.

Hawkfrost: *muttering* Did he act like a neglectful, abusive parent too- *slapped*

Tigerstar: Not-son, the toms of our lineage are famously known to be crappy romantic partners. It is a proud tradition! Why, even my son Brambleclaw has passed his rite of passage by abandoning Firestar’s filthy spawn! *sheds an evil non-existent tear* Well, every cat except you, as you are a worthless failure. Now all of you, leave me in peace! *grumbling as he walks away*

Hawkfrost: Well, I just don’t get it. I am so good looking and charismatic! So why don't I have cats throwing themselves at me left and right? I demand some groupies or some sort of random fanbase!

-

fanbase




fanbase




fanbase...

-

Somewhere in the depths of purgatory, a small black cat shudders in the darkness.

-

Scourge: It felt as if…a thousand voices were calling out me in a wild frenzy, asking me to be their… their mate? So many of them...no more this torture - no more! *crawls into a fetal position*

Bone: You had the '' dream again. didn't you.

Scourge: What has been seen, Bone...what has been seen.

-

Back to our *ahem* ‘casanova’…

Hawkfrost: Well, you know what? Screw you. I can get a mate! Just watch! I guarantee I will have at least 10 following me despite my cruel and vicious character. I can play the innocent tom! After all, that sack of garbage Ashfur taught me.

Snowtuft: The last time I checked, Ashfur's relationship advice got him murdered.

Mapleshade: He’s setting himself up for failure. What a deliciously disastrous result this will be… *creepy giggling*

Full of determination, our villain sets out on his epic quest for ''love' only to come back empty pawed, forlorn and, defeated.

Mapleshade: And Mapleshade is right once again. I only see one cat following you.

Ivypaw: I can be a groupie! *innocent face* I like playing games!

Hawkfrost: Oh shut up kit. Go kick Darkstripe's scrawny ass or something.

Ivypaw: Okay!

Mapleshade: I must say that it is simply astounding to see how badly you failed.

Hawkfrost: It's all just because I have the worst luck! Mistystar still has a grudge against me, I'm pretty sure my sister is gay, Tawnypelt isn't into incest, Poppyfrost thinks I’m creepy for stalking her kits, Squirrelflight is a Firestar clone and I am NOT going to be mates with a female Firestar...maybe.

Mapleshade: How sad.

Hawkfrost: Leafpool is too…broody, Nightcloud is too bratty, Cinderheart is apparently possessed...? Sorreltail won’t come near me, and younger cats like Hollyleaf and Honeyfern are sort of dead. And of course, Honeyfern has a restraining order against me and Hollyleaf has just plain disappeared.

Mapleshade: *snickers* There’s always her, like I said.

Ivypaw: *bright-eyed* I beat up Darkstripe like you told me to!

Darkstripe: Why me…*whines* It’s Snowtuft’s turn to be the scratching post.

Snowtuft: Today is Monday. You know our agreement dictates I am the scratching post on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays!

Hawkfrost: *sigh* C’mon kit, let’s go get some ice-cream or something. How the hell am I supposed to teach this kit to be a cold blooded killer? I always get stuck with the naive ones. How is this fair?!

Ivypaw: B-but I only eat bird, mice and rabbits.

Hawkfrost: YOU WILL EAT YOUR ICE-CREAM AND LIKE IT! *eye twitch*

#3

The series continues as we take a look into the daily afterlife of Tigerstar…

Sol: He doesn't do anything exciting. You'd basically be giving an analysis of him scratching his ass or something.

Oh shut it Sol, I've faced worse trolls than you.

Sol: Like your face in the mirror?

…You know what? I'm just going to ignore you. You're a fictional character.

Sol: …You're talking to the words you're typing down as if they're characters from Warriors.

Sol: …

Sol: Hello?

Sol: Really?

Sol: My powers of trolling only work if I'm talking to someone! DX

-

Tigerstar emerges from his dark evil den of doom (DEDD), fur stuck up, eyes livid, and stomach growling…

Tigerstar: I despise the night.

Sparrowfeather: *waving at nonexistent camera* Why nighttime?

Tigerstar: *jumps slightly* WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUTSIDE MY DEN!?

Sparrowfeather: *squeaky high pitched nervous voice* W-We need you give an inspiring speech. Of evil!

Tigerstar: Not now subordinate, the evil moon that conceals the glorious sun is out.

Sparrowfeather: W-we dwell in the Dark Forest sir. There is no sun. O-or moon.

Tigerstar: Eh? HAWKFROST, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THERE ISN'T A CONCEPT OF TIME IN THE DARK FOREST?! If you were Brambleclaw you would have told me first thing!

Sparrowfeather: I've been hearing that a lot recently. Um, he isn't here right now sir. He and the rest of the Dark Forest warriors are over at the training grounds.

Tigerstar: Don't they know it's nighttime? I read the obituaries during the night!

Sparrowfeather: It always looks night! Very good sir. But, uh, we still need you to appear and rally the masses into a raging mob.

Tigerstar: *groans* Can't Brokenstar do it?

Sparrowfeather: Ah, he requested you appear, since he's too busy kitsitting the apprentices. His words, not mine.

Tigerstar: But Thistleclaw usually trains with the apprentices-

Sparrowfeather: -H-he's too busy stalking the living Clans for more trainees.

Tigerstar: DO NOT INTERRUPT ME SUBORDINATE!

Sparrowfeather: *more high pitched voice of nervousness* S-Sorry. T-They've become bolder in their questioning of our motives lately and we need to quell down suspicions. It would be needless to...to kill them all?

Tigerstar: *shrug* It doesn't bother me. And for your petulant insolence to dare have the gall to interrupt me, you will carry me to the meeting place, minion. *hops on Sparrowfeather's back*

Sparrowfeather: *struggling to breath* I thought...*huff* cats couldn't…*wheeze* shrug! *barely spits out last word* howareyourlimbsnotbroken? *buckles under the weight*

Tigerstar: *shrug* I'll blame Hawkfrost when we get there. Now hurry up!

Sparrowfeather: I hate my afterlife.

-

Tigerstar eventually makes it to the gathering, while Sparrowfeather is gasping for dear life.

Sparrowfeather: Can't…*gasps* breathe! *collapses*

Tigerstar: Oh shut up and stop complaining, you're already dead. 'Ahem' *clears throat* MINIONS AND NOT-SON, HEAR MY WORDS AND PAY ATTENTON!

Sparrowfeather: We don't even eat anything! How do you weigh so much?!

Tigerstar: *kicks off conveniently placed cliff* Ignore the lesser one…who didn't fall off the cliff that seemed to appear out of nowhere.

Icewing: I completely forgot that Tigerstar is evil and killed many cats.

Sunstrike: Yes, we shouldn't question their motives at all.

Ratscar: I like speaking when other cats are saying stuff!

Ivypool: *under Brokenstar's scrutinizing stare* I didn't even see him push his own Clanmate off a conveniently placed cliff. I feel like the only sane one here.

Tigerstar: Ah yes, but before I move on… *yelling* HAWKFROST, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT CATS CAN'T SHRUG?!

Hawkfrost: *somewhere at the back of the crowd of cats* I love you evil Dad!

Tigerstar: Biggest disappointment…Anyways, onto my speech! MINIONS, I-I mean, um, loyal, hard-working warriors!

*crickets chirp*

Snowtuft: How are there crickets here?

Tigerstar: *unconvincing cheesy grin* Join me in destroying my arch-nemesis Firestar – I mean destroying the Clans and killing your loved ones – I mean…uh…

*crickets are silent*

Tigerstar: Hehe, the evil side has ice-cream?

*Snowtuft has eaten the cricket*

Shredtail: *staring at Snowtuft*

Snowtuft: It's been ages since I last tasted food! DX

Shredtail: Aren't you usually the serious one?

Snowtuft: Not eating and poor sleep can cause one's brain to disfunction.

Tigerstar: Hey, shut up you two! I am trying to trick these gullible morons – I mean, teach these fine young cats to become better warriors!

Hollowpaw: *raises paw* What is ice-cream?

Tigerstar: *groans* If you help the Dark Forest then you'll get all the prey you want plus vengeance against your enemies. _{We most definitely won't kill your family and loved ones.}

*silence*

DF Trainees: HOORAY!

Breezepelt: I'll take vengeance with prey on the side, and I won't say please. Angsty character don't say please. Yeah. You got a problem?

Brokenstar: Breezepelt! BREEZEPELT! Get back over here on your leash this instant!

*defiance ensues*

Brokenstar: I hate kitsitting...

-

Later on during training practice…

Tigerstar: That could have gone better.

Brokenstar: *sigh* Thanks to that pitiful display we'll have to rely on threats, force, and lying.

Snowtuft: I really like the ice-cream idea-

Brokenstar: NO. No ice-cream.

Hawkfrost: *staring at his reflection* We always relied on threats and force. We only discovered ice-cream when that really lost twoleg wandered into our territory.

Mapleshade: I still don't know how that happened.

Tigerstar: Mapleshade, how could you miss the rousing speech?!

Mapleshade: *raises non-existent eyebrow* I was asleep.

Hawkfrost: *still staring at his reflection* How come you get to sleep in?

Mapleshade: I despise the nighttime...

-

Meanwhile, in a cavern below a conveniently placed cliff full of cat skulls and crushed bones…

Sparrowfeather: My everything hurts…

Clawface: If you can find a way back up, let me know. I've been stuck down here since Tigerstar pushed me off.

Sparrowfeather: *buries face in ground* I mmph mff mf mmf… (Translation: I can't feel my face)

Clawface: *staring at a skull* Hey, I think I found Jaggedtooth!

i love it
that was great

yES these are back
Pure gold xDD

#6 - Oh my StarClan...


Bluestar and Spottedleaf go on an undercover investigation to discover the motives of the Dark Forest...
-
Reporter: Tigerstar, why have you been motivated to destroy the Clans?

Tigerstar: Get off of the Dark Forest territory, Bluestar.

Bluestar: I am not Bluestar. I am - uh - Moonstar! I mean Moonstone! Uh, Moonpool?

Tigerstar: *slams nonexistent door in face*

Camera Cat: That could have gone better.

Bluestar: Spottedleaf, I thought they gave you a restraining order to keep off of the Dark Forest territories after you went stalking with Jayfeather.

Spottedleaf: Oh, is that what they told you?!

*silence*

Spottedleaf: Fine, you're right this time...and only this time...
-
-
Reporter (Bluestar) : Brokenstar, why have you been motivated to destroy the Clans?

Brokenstar: Oh, no particular reason.

Bluestar: Really? No reason at all?

Brokenstar: I like killing things. ^^

Bluestar: That's uh, nice?

Camera Cat (Spottedleaf) : Um...very good sir.

*elsewhere*

Sol: You shouldn't use ^^ for Brokenstar.

Sol, stop breaking the fourth wall!
-
-
Reporter (Bluestar) : *yelling from 101 feet away in a megaphone* HAWKFROST, WHY HAVE YOU BEEN MOTIVATED TO DESTROY THE CLANS?

Camera Cat (Spottedleaf) : Where did we even get that thing anyways?

Bluestar: Ashfur had it and kept screaming into it about war and love. I took it away for his mental health and our eardrums.

Spottedleaf: O...kay... I guess we just wait then now.

*silence*

*pause*

Hawkfrost: WHAT?

Spottedleaf: *yelling through megaphone* WHY HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING TO DESTROY THE CLANS?

Bluestar: I said motivat-

Hawkfrost: -HANG ON, LET ME TALK TO DAD!

Bluestar and Spottedleaf have a staring contest with a tree as they wait.

Hawkfrost: *sticks face in nonexistent door* DAAAAD! Why are you working to destroy the Clans again?

Tigerstar: *reading newspaper* It's Bluestar and Spottedleaf, trying to find out information for their pathetic StarClan. Now let me read the obituaries in peace!

Hawkfrost: Oh.

*pause*

Hawkfrost: Isn't Spottedleaf the really hot one?

Tigerstar: They all have a restraining order against you.

Hawkfrost: Aw...

*meanwhile, the tree questions its sense of self as it lost a staring contest to a bluish cat…*

Spottedleaf: Um...is he going to answer back?

Bluestar: Just forget it. It's probably the same reason as Tigerstar.

Spottedleaf: But we never found out Tigerstar's reason.

*slap*

Bluestar: Shaddup Spottedleaf.
-
-
Reporter (Bluestar) : Mapleshade, why have you been motivated to destroy the Clans?

Mapleshade: *sweet Grandma voice* Oh, no reason dearies. I just want to watch all the Clans suffer for their happiness and watch them die. I will decimate StarClan's ranks and their precious little Clans, where I will bathe in their blood as it spills from their lifeless bodies and pools to the ground, painting the ground in red death, as I dance upon their lifeless corpses! I'm still learning how to dance, but one pawstep at a time as they say.

Mapleshade: ...Oh look, they're gone already. Ah well, back to my knitting. *whistling cheerfully*

*later*

Bluestar: That cat is psychotic!

Spottedleaf: Just looking at her I can feel myself fading away for some reason...
-
-
Reporter (Bluestar) : *gritted teeth* Thistleclaw, why have you been motivated to destroy the Clans?

Thistleclaw: I care nothing about the Clans. I want to destroy StarClan for making Bluefur deputy when it was MY rightful title! They'll pay with their existence for denying me my right to lead! I'll mark their borders with their own blood.

Bluestar: I'd love to see you try you piece of sh-

Camera Cat (Spottedleaf) : *hurrying Bluestar away* Thank for you for your time and consideration!
-
-
Reporter (Bluestar) : Darkstripe, why have you been motivated to destroy the Clans?

Darkstripe: I dunno. Tigerstar wants to, so I guess I'll do that too.

Camera Cat (Spottedleaf) : Nice...um...How many portraits of Tigerstar do you have?

Darkstripe: 326. I drew them all. *happy face*

Bluestar: _{Is the brown blob supposed to be his face?}

Darkstripe: Do you wanna see them all?

Spottedleaf: Oh, terribly sorry, but we're on a tight schedule. Maybe sometime in the future? Well, er, bye! *flees*

*while walking away from the disaster zone*

Bluestar: That was not art.

Spottedleaf: I know, but-

Bluestar: That was an insult to art.

Spottedleaf: I know, but at least he tried.

Bluestar: A dead mouse could draw better.

Spottedleaf: *sympathetic look* Let it go.
-
-
Reporter (Bluestar) : Hello! Um...what are your names?

Shredtail: I'm Shredtail, this is Sparrowfeather-

Sparrowfeather: -Hi!

Shredtail: -And this is Scratching Post.

Snowtuft: *monotone mantra* Only on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.

Sparrowfeather: Hi! What did you contact us for?

Camera Cat (Spottedleaf) : We're doing a DF documentary and wanted to ask you why you are working to destroy the Clans-

Sparrowfeather: AN INTERVIEW? OH MY DARK FOREST I CAN'T BELIEVE-

Shredtail: *shoves Sparrowfeather away* My tale...*dramatic pause* is a long and very tragic story...

Snowtuft: -Why do we have to tell these strangers our motives?

Shredtail: ...full of-what? Why are you interrupting my monologue?! DX

Snowtuft: Well, doesn't it seem oddly convenient that these cats are asking such informative and personal questions?

Shredtail: Some cats happen to like my intriguing and complex story. I am worth telling others about!

Snowtuft: *sigh* What I mean is that it could be possible they're actually StarClan cats posing as a documentary cre-

Shredtail: Go be logical elsewhere!

Sparrowfeather: *face is breathing on camera* HI MOM.

Spottedleaf: Um...

Sparrowfeather: Oh yeah, I hated mother. *giggling* I almost forget I killed her. I HATE YOU MOM!

Bluestar: So, er, you were going on about the whole 'evil motives' things-

Clawface: *arrives in a flash of red smoke* I LOVE CAMERAS!

Spottedleaf: Ah…I-I'm not very comfortable with this...

Sparrowfeather: Find another way to make a cameo or I'll push you off a conveniently placed cliff!

Bluestar: How about we not push any cats off cliffs and just reveal some secrets-

Clawface: How about I push you of a cliff...*thinking hard about an insult* ...bluish gray fur?

Bluestar: *shoves Spottedleaf in front of her* Take her instead, she's had too much screen time as it is!

Spottedleaf: W-we were just leaving! G-goodbye!
-
-
Bluestar: Spottedleaf, we were about to learn vital information on why they're attacking the Clans!

*silence*

Bluestar: Spottedleaf?

Spottedleaf: ...You almost let me get pushed off a cliff.

Bluestar: I thought you were supposed to be the perfect one.

Spottedleaf: I have nothing to say to you.

Bluestar: Spottedleaf?

*silence*

Bluestar: I've already been thrown off a cliff before! Into water, I might add!

*silence*

Bluestar: Apparently some cat doesn't know the meaning of taking one for the team!
-
-
EPILOGUE

Goosefeather: *still stuck in the same tree* It's been five moons...

Goosefeather: Help?

#7 The Dark Forest meets Sol for the first time.


Moons ago back in Sunrise...

Hawkfrost: Hey Dad, why didn't we ever try to recruit Lionblaze's sister? I mean there was Jayfeather, then we managed to trick Lionblaze for a while, but we never contacted his sister.

Tigerstar: The crazy one had no powers, so it wasn't worth it.

Snowtuft: Crazy?

Tigerstar: If you imbeciles read the newspaper you would know a lot more things.

Shredtail: We can't read.

Brokenstar: Give me that. *snatches newspaper* ...How can you read the squibble things?!

Tigerstar: It reads: Half-Clan cat goes on a psychotic rampage for being the kits of WindClan cats and ThunderClan's ex medicine cat. Sources say they saw her-

Brokenstar: I know what happened, I was watching the whole thing.

Shredtail: I tape recorded it.

Mapleshade: I am curious as to why she wasn't recruited. Isn't that the kind if weakness that can easily be exploited?

Tigerstar: I sent an invitation, but it must have gotten lost in the mail.

Brokenstar: Mail?

Tigerstar: I...I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Hawkfrost: I'm disappointed in our 'equal opportunity for evil'. We need more she-cats around here. There are too many toms, and I don't know what Mapleshade is-

Mapleshade: -Finish that sentence, and being impaled will seem like a gentle breeze compared to what I'll do.

*silence*

Breezepelt: I AM NOT GENTLE!

Snowtuft: What was that?

Mapleshade: Sounded like Breezepelt-

Tigerstar: -Anyways, the she-cat is probably dead, since we can't find her anywhere.

Shredtail: I thought this particular spoof was about Sol, not Hollyleaf.

Tigerstar: Who's Sol?

Thistleclaw: What's a spoof?

Brokenstar: When did Thistleclaw show up?

Shredtail: LOOK, I'm the fourth wall...breaker guy until Sol shows up! After that I'll go back to being mildly oblivious like the rest of you.

Thistleclaw: *growls* Are you calling me stupid?

Brokenstar: ENOUGH! We have a lot to do and a lot of minions to go find and then train. Let's just get down to business.

Mapleshade: I make no promises about leaving them alive.

Hawkfrost: Should we go stalk potential trainees?

Brokenstar: *sigh* I guess so.

Darkstripe: Can I go too?

Brokenstar: No.

Thistleclaw: Are you telling me I have to kitsit these bloody warriors by myself?

Brokenstar: I offer my deepest false condolences to you.

Cutting to a later date by italics, we find Brokenstar and Hawkfrost have been stalking Sol as he does nothing particularly interesting at all...

Brokenstar: I really have better things to do than watch some almost impossibly gened tortoiseshell tom do nothing.

Hawkfrost: Well I don't, so you're stuck with me. Besides, he was ranting earlier about skies and leaves.

Brokenstar: *grumbling something about Saturday night live*

Sol: It's Thursday, not Saturday.

Hawkfrost: What the?! *censored* We were literally just watching you behind this tree. How in mother's bloomers did you-

Sol: The answer is simple. I just said something and then I appeared in the story as the plot demanded. Your mother is also cat, so she doesn't wear bloomers.

Hawkfrost: How do you know about my mother's bloomers?

Brokenstar: Why are we talking about bloomers?

Sol: Why does the author think it's funny to keep mentioning bloomers...So, are you going to say why you were stalking me?

Hawkfrost: We were not stalking, we were observing-

Sol: Do you mean like how that one time you 'observed'-

Hawkfrost: Eghgehgeh...Brokenstar, evil huddle up!

Brokenstar: Wait, what? Only I can-

In the evil huddle...

Hawkfrost: That cat knows WAY too much about...stuff. I say we kill him.

Brokenstar: You mean your inability to get a mate?

Hawkfrost: No, the other thing.

Brokenstar: You mean that...Oh.

*pause*

Brokenstar: Yes, let's kill him.

Sol sits nonchalantly, unaware two evil-er cats are about to kill him.

Sol: Why are you two trying to kill me?

Ahem, UNAWARE-

Sol: Really, what would be the point in killing me?

Brokenstar: You know too much.

Sol: But if you killed me, you wouldn't get to see this! *something astounding*

*silence*

Hawkfrost: ...That's astounding! We should let him join the Dark Forest.

Sol: *puppy kitty cats eyes*

Brokenstar: ...Fine, but you're responsible for keeping up with him.

Hawkfrost: Yay!
-
-
Sol: And that, gullible trainees, is how I discovered the Dark Forest.

Brokenstar: That's not how it went at all. You found us by sheer coincidence and we decided not to kill you because you knew enough to get an edge against the Clans.

Mapleshade: You also know far too much about Hollyl-

Sol: -This is my story. I'll tell it as I please.

Goosefeather: This is why I'm hard pressed to believe what you said in the tunnels about your 'tragic past' to those other two cats.

*pause*

*silence*

Sol: Does anyone else see the cat stuck in that tree?

Mapleshade: That's Goosefeather.

Shredtail: We don't like him.

Snowtuft: He has also accumulated far too much knowledge, so if we act like decent cats and let him free, he'll blab all our deepest, darkest secrets to StarClan.

Sol: ...Okay?

Hawkfrost suddenly appears with a disgruntled Tigerstar.

Hawkfrost: I'm back~! I also brought everyone but Thistleclaw a souvenir from our father-son bonding trip.

Tigerstar: It was a journey to go check out SkyClan and potential recruits from there, nothing else.

Thistleclaw: I didn't want a souvenir anyways. Pfft. It's just a super cool snowglobe that never had as a kit.

Tigerstar: Why did we stop by a gas station to begin with? We're dead cats.

Sol: Also, the thing with Hawkfrost? Completely happened.

Hawkfrost: I thought we vowed to never discuss that again!

Episode #9 The Search for SkyClan Saga: Part 2

Somewhere in a door-less room, a pissed off Basement Cat sits seething in fury...It really is quite funny to watch.


Basement Cat: What are we going to do about Sol. No - better yet - what are we going to do to Sol when we get loose!?

Blackstar: idk how should i know

Leafstar: Perhaps I was...too harsh on Sol. I should have let him join SkyClan.

Billystorm: Of course dear, he was only was trying to prove himself by kidnapping our kits and putting them in terrible danger-

BC: Whoa, whoa...Whoa. What the heck is wrong with you all?!

Hollyleaf: We were blind to our ideals and sense of morality. Sol was simply wise enough to see above such trivial matters such as order and-

BC: -Okay, now I know something is wrong. Hollyleaf, you hate Sol. Remember how you opposed him? How you fought him in the tunnels.?

Hollyleaf: Hmm...that doesn't matter. I was rather...attached to the code. It's kind of pointless anyways...

Leafstar: We were all fools. I guess staying in this door-less room made us realize it.

BC: Something is horribly, horribly wrong...

~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~

Our story continues...I'm just going to stop, these introductions are so annoying.

Sparrowfeather: Hmm? Is that you again Sol? Why do you keep talking so much to yourself? IS THERE A CAMERA-

Sparrowfeather, go away and find a meaning to your afterlife. Because right now your role is pointless and sad.

Sparrowfeather: Y-you're just a visitor, y-you have no power to order me around! I have a purpose!

...Uh huh. I'm going to walk away from you now.

*silence*

Sparrowfeather: I have importance...don't I?

~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~

Hawkfrost: I've packed everything we'll need for this trip in something called null space but - *pulls out giant list* I really can't read what I scribbled down.

Tigerstar: Did you have to pack the kitchen sink?

Hawkfrost: You never know when we'll need a kitchen sink!

Later...

Snowtuft: Mapleshade, Shredtail and I came to see you off.

Mapleshade: *grooming her fur* Mostly because you didn't even bother to tell the rest of us about this little 'trip' until about three hours ago.

Tigerstar: I'd apologize for being so sudden, but I'd be lying that I cared.

Shredtail: Heh, Thistleclaw was not happy to learn he'd be kitsitting apprentices while Hawkfrost was gone. Oh, and Tigerstar, you're paying the bills for the next sixth months over this trip - Brokenstar's orders.

Tigerstar: ...Fine.

Hawkfrost: *impatient* Can we just go already? And I don't kitsit, I observe young cats-

Snowtuft: That doesn't make it sound any better.

Tigerstar: Shaddup Hawkfrost. *slaps* We'll be back in a moon or so.

Boring, pointless talking, blah blah blah...I'm skipping to the actual journey.

~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~

Tigerstar: You did bring a rope for the Fog of Lost Souls, right?

Hawkfrost: *rambling on about canoeing, camping, killing campers, going fishing, blah blah-* -Wait, what rope?

Tigerstar: Tell me. You. Brought. A. Rope.

Hawkfrost: I didn't know we needed a rope.

Tigerstar: YOU FORGOT THE ROPE?! WE'RE GOING TO BE STUCK IN THIS FOG FOREVER YOU IDIO-

Hawkfrost: L-let me look through what I've packed! I think I brought a rope-

A ball of pink yarn rolls out from the nullspace, labeled property of Tigerstar.

Tigerstar: ...You will tell no cat or creature about this.

Hawkfrost: Why pink?

Tigerstar: I THOUGHT IT WAS RED! I'm colorblind.

Hawkfrost: *blinking*

Tigerstar: ...We'll use this to find our way back.

*silence*

Hawkfrost: So...why do they call this place the Fog of Lost Souls anyways?

Tigerstar: It's foggy and has lost souls in it, you learned this in evil kindergarten.

Hawkfrost: I had to repeat that twice though...

Tigerstar: What are you talking about, you passed that with an A+. It’s was one of those rare times I was proud of you.

Hawkfrost: Oh yeah, it was marriage and family class I failed twice.

*more deathly silence and the sound of pawsteps*

Hawkfrost: Hey, do you hear something?

Tigerstar: Not-son, that's just the wail of a dead fox heading in our general direction.

*realization*

Tigerstar: *censored*

Hawkfrost: I wasn't aware foxes had souls. Interesting-

Tigerstar: RUN YOU IDIOT!

Running for their afterlives, boring…
-
Tigerstar: *ragged, stuck of fur, livid eyes, and a set of false dentures on his flank* It was an older fox...good. Its ghostly pelt will make a decent rug at the least.

Hawkfrost: And we're almost at the gates of StarClan.

Tigerstar: I know this.

Hawkfrost: The pretty cats are in Starclan...

Tigerstar: *exasperated* Just, let me do the talking.

Hmm...conflict, good. Tigerstar approaches the invisible barrier that leads to StarClan, and StarClan cat after StarClan cat appear, each one ready to attack...

Bluestar: Not another step.

Tigerstar: In case your tiny brain has forgotten, I'm on my territory-

Whitestorm: We're actually referring to that one. *pointing at Hawkfrost*

Hawkfrost: Oh COME ON, they're right there! *staring at Feathertail, Honeyfern, Spottedleaf, and other 'pretty' she-cats*

Feathertail: Yes, but you agreed to a contract.

Honeyfern: You're notion that only a select few are pretty is also horribly biased.

Hawkfrost: I know, but I'm a self-pretentious asshole.

Silverstream: THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE!

Snowfur: Well...*thinking about Thistleclaw*

Tigerstar: *visibly annoyed* I'm here to cross the invisible border guarding StarClan and The Dark Forest.

Lionheart: *thoughtfully strokes beard* Do you mean the Fog of Lost Souls?

Tigerstar: *sigh* No, the other border. The border that leads to SkyClan and the Tribe of Rushing Water. I'll invade StarClan and destroy you all on a later date.

Bluestar: Oh. That seems reasona-WAIT A MINUTE, YOU'RE TRYING TO RECRUIT SKYCLAN CATS TO THE DARK FOREST!

Lionheart: That's just a low blow, even for you, Tigerstar.

Hawkfrost: So?

Yellowfang: So, dumbass, we aren't going to let you pass.

Hawkfrost: Heh, that rhymed-

Tigerstar: -*puts on reading glasses and pulls out short list* According to the Warrior Code, nothing is in there about evil cats going to go recruit living cats who live outside of StarClan. So in simple terms, you're screwed by having to show decency and keeping your word as StarClan. We, on the other paw, have no such dilemma.

Bluestar: *groaning* Please tell me there is a loophole, Redtail.

Redtail: Uh...let me check...

Tigerstar: *sigh* There's nothing quite like meeting your victims in the afterlife...

Redtail: *nonexistent bird*

Hawkfrost: *failing horribly at trying to woo the StarClan cats* So, do any of you want to join the Dark Forest? I'll be there~ *leans on nothing and predictably falls over*

Silverstream: I'd be more creeped out if it just wasn't so pathetic.

Bluestar: *eye twitch* Please tell me there's a loophole.

Redtail: I checked and...Tigerstar is unfortunately correct. It goes against what StarClan stands for to keep a cat, evil or not, from their journey if it isn't against the code.

Yellowfang: I hate this StarClan system...

Bluestar: *whispering to Yellowfang* Let them go. If the tribe doesn't kill them, then the SkyClan ancestors will deal with them. We'll kill two threats-

Hawkfrost: -I NEED A MEDICINE CAT I SCRAPED MY PAW WHEN I FELL! *whines*

Bluestar: ...One threat, with one swipe.

Yellowfang: Huh, I didn't know you had that sort of trickery in you, Bluestar.

Bluestar: *out loud* Fine, we'll let you go-

Hawkfrost: -FINALLY-

Yellowfang: -But the idiot stays 100 feet away from all StarClan cats.

Tigerstar: That's more than fair.

Hawkfrost: Damn you court of law…
-
More pointless travelling, blah blah, traveling, traveling...Ah! They reach the Tribe of Endless Hunting.

Tigerstar: Run faster you dumbass!

Hawkfrost: It's not my fault she overreacted!

Tigerstar: You insulted Jayfeather and called him Jaynoeyes and then told her to make you a sandwich.

Hawkfrost: How was I supposed to know she was Jayfeather's mate?!

Half Moon: I WILL MURDER YOU SCUM AND MAKE A RUG OUT OF YOUR PELTS!

Tigerstar: Just keep running!

Hawkfrost: Come to think it, how did she even get a hold of an ancient sword in the first place!?
-
More pointless travelling...they just have to have an uneventful trip. When are they going to reach the Atlantic ocean-

Tigerstar: ...By the glorious sun…that is a lot of water.

I spoke too soon.

~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~ SOLOLO ~

BC: They're getting less canon and relevant by the second...

Blackstar: lol so funny

BC: Blackstar, a gruff, proud leader is now text talking and doing nothing productive whatsoever.

Billystorm: Hmm, we should make a banner to welcome Sol back to SkyClan, shouldn't we?

Leafstar: Better yet, I'll resign and appoint Sol as leader!

BC: Billystorm and Leafstar, two cats with great reasons to dislike Sol, are now suddenly fawning over him like Scourge fangirls...

BC: What is going on?

Hollyleaf: I guess you'll never know then. Or maybe you do, but you're more comfortable believing the lie. That's fine by me, I'm not going to stop you. It would be pointless, just like our so-called StarClan. Our morals and beliefs are meaningless.

BC: And Hollyleaf, Sol's arch enemy and polar opposite, is acting just like him...

BC: I have to figure this out and fast. So PLEASE don't cut to part three, THIS IS SERIOUS-

To be continued in Part Three.

Sigh. I need ten more. Well, I guess I will just have to share a bit about my cat headcanons per each post. It is...kind of spammy, but it is still useful information to the lore of this series.

Tigerstar: The unofficial leader. In this parody, he is made to be comically serious, but with his own little quirks. He mostly fills the role of the serious and is not as flanderized as the rest.

Hawkfrost: He's pretty much the designated babysitter. Considering Hawkfrost is such an 'in your face' hammy character, his characterization has been flandereized the most. He almost ALWAYS plays the fool, and I enjoyed playing on the 'Hawkfrost is a memetic sex god' idea.

Thistleclaw: He acts actually as he would in the books. As such, he is the least flanderized of the characters. He's boring, so I rarely use him in the series. He is always played as serious.