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Post by 🔻Puppydawg🔻 on Jan 30, 2018 7:47:48 GMT -5
🖤Darkclan🖤 Plot You’re walking in a unknown forest and you relieved that here was a blue moon your startled by a hawk flying by then you see a tall tree and you run up is and you see a cat below the cat comes to you “ Hello, I smell you come down!” You run down the tree “ I see you have a nasty gash there, Oh yes I’m Darkstar and your on Darkclan territory so rather you come with me and get healed and stay or get healed and leave!” He said ” Your Choice Rules ❤️- No cussing 🧡- No kit stealing 💛- last of all follow all form rules! Links |
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Post by mimikyutie on Jan 30, 2018 19:38:46 GMT -5
(Hi Thorn! I noticed you've been having trouble making a clan, would you like some help?)
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Post by 🔻Puppydawg🔻 on Jan 30, 2018 19:39:29 GMT -5
Sure!))
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Post by *MorningGlory* on Jan 30, 2018 19:40:35 GMT -5
I'll help too! I'm good at coding and making territories and such. I can show you my rps as example if you like
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Post by mimikyutie on Jan 30, 2018 19:41:38 GMT -5
(Alright, well, first of all, you have a few spelling errors, let's start with things like that. Are you using a device that has any form of autocorrect? That may help)
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Post by 🔻Puppydawg🔻 on Jan 30, 2018 19:41:47 GMT -5
Thanks that would be soo help full))
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Post by 🔻Puppydawg🔻 on Jan 30, 2018 19:42:24 GMT -5
(Alright, well, first of all, you have a few spelling errors, let's start with things like that. Are you using a device that has any form of autocorrect? That may help) I’m using iPhone |
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Post by mimikyutie on Jan 30, 2018 19:44:22 GMT -5
(Alright, well, first of all, you have a few spelling errors, let's start with things like that. Are you using a device that has any form of autocorrect? That may help) I’m using iPhone (iPhone's do have autocorrect, is yours turned off? Anyway, with your introduction alone (which could be longer, but we'll work on that!), I've noticed a few errors, do you want to try catching them yourself or would you prefer I tell you which words are misspelled?) |
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Post by *MorningGlory* on Jan 30, 2018 19:44:28 GMT -5
Phones are kind of hard to type on so I really rely on my autocorrect sometimes. I have it pretty sensitive too lol
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Post by 🔻Puppydawg🔻 on Jan 30, 2018 19:45:35 GMT -5
I don’t have much time to get on a pc could I have play rehearsal on Tuesday-Thursday
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Post by 🔻Puppydawg🔻 on Jan 30, 2018 19:47:03 GMT -5
(iPhone's do have autocorrect, is yours turned off? Anyway, with your introduction alone (which could be longer, but we'll work on that!), I've noticed a few errors, do you want to try catching them yourself or would you prefer I tell you which words are misspelled?) I have autocorrect on |
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Post by *MorningGlory* on Jan 30, 2018 19:53:08 GMT -5
Right so with the intro, in addition to fixing the spelling errors (Do you want to work on that first by the way?), it could be a little longer. Try thinking about the territory, how it feels being there. Maybe think of the situation the newcomer might be in. Maybe tell a little story. I put a couple intros to my rps in the spoilers below as examples This one is longer and tells a story. Through it you get a sense of the territory (a forest that rains a lot) and you get the sense that these cats take in those who need help You have been running for what seemed like hours.
Your chest heaved and ached with the effort that had been needed to make it this far. Your fur is ruffled and on edge from fear, and your legs are ready to buckle. You don’t know which feeling to follow; your fear, or your exhaustion.
Far back into the forest, you were attacked by something; you don’t know what it was, you had never seen it before. But it scared you more than anything had ever scared you. And it had left a large scratch in your flank. You’d left it far behind you, but your fear had kept you going all this way.
Finally after deciding you’re safe, your body can’t hold itself upright anymore. You collapse onto the ground with a heavy sigh, hoping to get some sleep. Unfortunately, you get very little of it. Shortly after you doze off the rain starts, and in minutes you’re freezing and completely soaked to the bone. You sit up, frustrated, and start to move on to find shelter.
“Are you okay?”
The voice nearly scares you out of your fur; you jump, shouting in surprise. You turn to face the newcomer, ready for a fight. But the she-cat standing in front of you doesn’t seem to be looking for a quarrel.
She’s a small white she-cat, with a soft expression and a smile that makes you feel more relaxed. Her fur is fluffy and she almost looks like a cloud, but the strangest thing about her is her two different colored eyes. One eye is a piercing gold, the other is a soft light blue. Her overall appearance and presence makes you feel safer, and you relax slightly.
She notices you’re staring at her and she pricks her ears. “I’ve been watching you for a while; you’re not in very good shape. That’s a bad bear scratch on your side.”
“Bear?” You repeat after finding your voice from being scared so badly. She nods in response.
“You need to be careful of them around here; they consider this place their territory when it’s really ours. If you get to close to them, they’ll lash out at you, guaranteed.”
“Whose territory is this?” You ask, confused.
“That wound could get even worse if it’s not treated,” the she-cat went on to say, ignoring your question. “If you come with me, my medicine cats can patch that up for you. I don’t want to send you on your way knowing you’re hurt.” She smiled softly and waved her tail for you to follow.
“I’m sorry, what?” You refuse to move. “I don’t even know who you are. Whose territory is this? Where am I?”
She smiles and turns to look at you. “My name is Goldenstar. And the territory you’re standing in is RainClan territory. Unfortunately, you are trespassing. However, I’m willing to take you to my Clan for food and rest, and help for your injuries. And then, after you’re patched up, and have a full belly, maybe we can discuss you staying with us?”
You blink in surprise. She was offering you to stay with the Clan? You had heard about the Clans, but you had always believed they were vicious, selfish cats who hated outsiders. This was a completely different story.
You feel like you can trust this she-cat, despite only knowing her for such a short time. Her offer is welcoming, and your stomach growls at just the thought of food. You had never stayed in one place for long before; but maybe this time, you can make an exception. You smile at her and nod.
“I’ll come with you.” This one is shorter but it gives a backstory Not all who wander are lost.
I have been a nomad all my life. We never stayed in one place for more than two leafbares. And I'm ok with that. I have had a chance to see the world and all it's beauty.
Then we met the 'Clan cats'. Their way of life isn't much different from ours so we decided to settle down. We chose a territory near theirs and we've slowly assimilated into their culture and traditions. It's been difficult trying to choose between the traditions we'd keep and the ones we would give up for clan traditions but my mate and I have hope that this will lead to great things for our tribe- I mean, our clan.
But life isn't about the happy ending, it's about the story...
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Post by mimikyutie on Jan 30, 2018 19:53:27 GMT -5
🖤Darkclan🖤 Plot You’re walking in a n(if it's before a noun, you use an, not a) unknown forest when(Honestly where makes little sense in this context) a cat appears and says (another wording issue)“ Hello (Don't forget to capitalize!) you are trespassing(not trustpassing!), would you rather(Try saying what you're writing out loud, it'll help!) leave or stay and this is darkclan, I am Darkstar” (There's got to be a better way to put thisYour Choice Rules ❤️- No cussing 🧡- No kit stealing 💛- last of all follow all for um rules! Links |
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Post by 🔻Puppydawg🔻 on Jan 30, 2018 19:55:19 GMT -5
I like it!
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Post by 🔻Puppydawg🔻 on Jan 30, 2018 19:55:31 GMT -5
Thanks I’ll make better
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Post by *MorningGlory* on Jan 30, 2018 19:59:17 GMT -5
Would you like help with writing it? We can pass ideas around
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Post by 🔻Puppydawg🔻 on Jan 30, 2018 20:03:01 GMT -5
Sure !
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Post by mimikyutie on Jan 30, 2018 20:05:52 GMT -5
We're gonna do our best to teach you the ins and outs of this stuff, although so we don't make it too difficult on you, I wanna ask, don't answer if you're uncomfortable though: how old are you?)
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Post by *MorningGlory* on Jan 30, 2018 20:10:38 GMT -5
Ok so let's start off with the first part "You're walking in an unknown forest"
So I don't know about you but I love hiking and exploring. But you always have to be on the lookout when you're in unfamiliar places. Well for a wild animal, unfamiliar places are incredibly dangerous. Maybe we can put something like that into this. A good intro makes people want to read more, to know more. So we can put some emotions and description into this intro.
How about you try first? Try setting the scene for an unknown forest
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Post by 🔻Puppydawg🔻 on Jan 30, 2018 20:39:32 GMT -5
Ok
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Post by mimikyutie on Jan 30, 2018 20:44:39 GMT -5
You wanna show us a try Thorn?
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Post by 🔻Puppydawg🔻 on Jan 30, 2018 20:45:18 GMT -5
Sure.
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Post by 🔻Puppydawg🔻 on Jan 30, 2018 20:45:48 GMT -5
You’re walking in a unknown forest and you relieved that here was a blue moon your startled by a hawk flying by then you see a tall tree and you run up is and you see a cat below the cat comes to you “ Hello, I smell you come down!” You run down the tree “ I see you have a nasty gash there, Oh yes I’m Darkstar and your on Darkclan territory so rather you come with me and get healed and stay or get healed and leave!” He said ” Your Choice Read more: wcrpforums.com/thread/52411/darkclan-open?page=1#ixzz55irRxI9R |
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Post by mimikyutie on Jan 30, 2018 20:50:06 GMT -5
You’re walking in a unknown forest and you relieved that here was a blue moon your startled by a hawk flying by then you see a tall tree and you run up is and you see a cat below the cat comes to you “ Hello, I smell you come down!” You run down the tree “ I see you have a nasty gash there, Oh yes I’m Darkstar and your on Darkclan territory so rather you come with me and get healed and stay or get healed and leave!” He said ” Your Choice Read more: wcrpforums.com/thread/52411/darkclan-open?page=1#ixzz55irRxI9ROkay, there's two points of views you need to account for here, the trespasser and the leader: the trespasser is probably lost, possibly scared, probably a rogue looking for some food and a safe place to stay the night. The leader finds something unknown in a place he must protect, there needs to be a sense of caution, at most bordering on the line of polite and hostile. |
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Post by 🔻Puppydawg🔻 on Jan 30, 2018 20:50:55 GMT -5
Ok
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Post by *MorningGlory* on Jan 30, 2018 20:52:02 GMT -5
ok that's better but let's work on the spelling/grammar real fast
Alright so in blue are all the things I fixed or suggestions I made. Anything underlined means the section in blue is talking about the entire underlined part
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Post by 🔻Puppydawg🔻 on Jan 30, 2018 21:00:12 GMT -5
Your walking though a forest and your very lost and your hoping to find your way out but your startled by a hawk flying by then you smell a little mouse and you crouch and pounced on it and killed it, you remember that you are lost and you are trying to seek shelter but you see a cat approaching you they said “What are you doing on Darkclan territory” the cat hissed “I....I’m lost” “Ahh do you wish to join us?” Questioned the cat “Oh by the way I am Darkstar the leader of Darkclan.
Your choice
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Post by *MorningGlory* on Jan 30, 2018 21:20:28 GMT -5
ok let's not add anymore details right now and just keep the story the way it is.
There are still some grammar and spelling errors but let's look at the sentence structure first. You have a lot of run-on sentences. Those are caused with the overuse of the word "and"
So I'm going to show you where to break the sentences in your paragraph. Where to put periods and commas. Sometimes more punctuation is necessary and sometimes less is fine too but too many "and"s can make it really hard to understand the sentence.
I'm going to put all the punctuation that I add in yellow. I'm also going to strike out any "and" that doesn't need to be there. Any other changes in wording will be in blue and inside () If you have questions, please ask
Your walking though a forest and your very lost. and your hoping to find your way out but your startled by a hawk flying by. then you smell a little mouse (so) you crouch and pounce, and kill it. you remember that you are lost and you are trying to seek shelter. but you see a cat approaching you they hiss, “What are you doing on Darkclan territory” the cat hissed
“I....I’m lost”, (you say.)
“Ahh do you wish to join us?” Questioned the cat “Oh by the way I am Darkstar the leader of Darkclan. (Let's just change this entire line to read "I am Darkstar, leader of Darkclan. Would you like to join us?" questioned the cat.
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Post by 🔻Puppydawg🔻 on Jan 30, 2018 21:21:49 GMT -5
Ok
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Post by *MorningGlory* on Jan 30, 2018 21:24:00 GMT -5
Any questions? If not we can continue
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