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Post by Headphone Actor on Oct 27, 2017 1:19:21 GMT -5
You're not terrible at this! If you ever want to send me something to proofread, I'd be happy to! Everyone needs a second pair of eyes from time to time. ^^
One thing about this piece, though, I want to know more. Will this be continued, or is it just a short? If it's just a short, I feel like it's lacking a bit in some critical pieces of information. Why is everyone throwing shade at Smokecloud? Is it because she's pregnant? Or because she delayed becoming a queen for as long as she could? Is the father of the kit someone undesirable to the clan?
There are two small things that could be fixed in this sentence. "Peaking" is the present participle version of the word "peak", such as a mountain peak or the top of something in general. "Peeking", on the other hand, is the present participle version of "peek", which is the word that would probably fit here better, describing Webwhisker looking out of his den.
I feel like a period would fit better there, too. Between "den" and "it", with "it" starting a new sentence. "Late into the day, a sly white cat seemed to be peeking out of the den. It was Webwhisker, a senior warrior."
Right here, I think the sentence would flow better if the order was changed a little bit, or if you left out the color description from this specific sentence, and put it somewhere else. "Her matted gray tail" or "Her matted tail and back straightened up, and her paws were heavy with sleep." I could be incorrect, but colors generally aren't capitalized unless they're part of a name.
I do really like how you described her paws as "heavy with sleep" though. Everyone knows that dragging feeling when they first wake up, and it's easy for the reader to picture the feeling and identify with it.
These are some of the things that stuck out to me, and like I said earlier, I'd be happy to give you a second look over when you're done writing stuff! You have good potential for a story right here, and I'd love to read more!
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Post by ApplesnapOfStormclan on Oct 27, 2017 16:33:30 GMT -5
You're not terrible at this! If you ever want to send me something to proofread, I'd be happy to! Everyone needs a second pair of eyes from time to time. ^^ One thing about this piece, though, I want to know more. Will this be continued, or is it just a short? If it's just a short, I feel like it's lacking a bit in some critical pieces of information. Why is everyone throwing shade at Smokecloud? Is it because she's pregnant? Or because she delayed becoming a queen for as long as she could? Is the father of the kit someone undesirable to the clan? There are two small things that could be fixed in this sentence. "Peaking" is the present participle version of the word "peak", such as a mountain peak or the top of something in general. "Peeking", on the other hand, is the present participle version of "peek", which is the word that would probably fit here better, describing Webwhisker looking out of his den. I feel like a period would fit better there, too. Between "den" and "it", with "it" starting a new sentence. "Late into the day, a sly white cat seemed to be peeking out of the den. It was Webwhisker, a senior warrior." Right here, I think the sentence would flow better if the order was changed a little bit, or if you left out the color description from this specific sentence, and put it somewhere else. "Her matted gray tail" or "Her matted tail and back straightened up, and her paws were heavy with sleep." I could be incorrect, but colors generally aren't capitalized unless they're part of a name. I do really like how you described her paws as "heavy with sleep" though. Everyone knows that dragging feeling when they first wake up, and it's easy for the reader to picture the feeling and identify with it. These are some of the things that stuck out to me, and like I said earlier, I'd be happy to give you a second look over when you're done writing stuff! You have good potential for a story right here, and I'd love to read more! Omg, i love this. Thanks for the help. 1. I will continue this, hopefully. 2. I didn't mean to capitalize gray. (Thank yoooooou)
3. Smokecloud doesnt know why everyone hates her. Yet. Ill be revealed later. |
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Post by mintedstar/fur on Oct 29, 2017 13:35:07 GMT -5
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Post by phantomstar57 on Oct 30, 2017 0:30:20 GMT -5
Just saw this. If I get some time tomorrow I'l proofread and suggest some changes to streamline your prose. Looks like a good story though!
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Post by phantomstar57 on Oct 30, 2017 13:21:42 GMT -5
Ok I have a bit of time and will try to help here. You have a habit o using redundancies like "began to" "seemed to" or "it was this or that". I will try to show better phrasing for you. My changes in bold.Smokecloud forced herself and her swollen belly up the hill. The sun began to rise(rose), and the clan has just begun to sleep.(the clan settle din to sleep) She, however, decided to watch and protect the clan one more night before becoming a queen. Her gray, matted tail and back straightened up, and her paws were heavy with sleep.(good description but a tweak will make it flow better as so -- She straightened her gray, matted tail and back, and moved on paws heavy with sleep. Late into the day, a sly white cat seemed to be peaking (peeked) out of the den. It was (She recognized) Webwhisker, a senior warrior. She already knew what he was doing, checking on her.(She grumbled, knowing he checkedup on her.)
However, it was clear he wasn't worried about her safety. In facts most cats have done the opposite, even the medicine cat, Crookedtail, has been giving her evil looks ever since they discovered she was going to have kits. (This sentence is awkward and unclear. How about --However, she realized he worried little about her safety. In fact, most cats showed little concern for her, even the medicine cat, Crookedtail, who cast evil looks at her ever since they discovered she carried kits.
T he sun was high, and the spying cat seemed to have stopped. (At sun high, the spying stopped, and she felt at her limit.) S he felt like she was at her limit, the green-leaf heat wasn't so apparent in the night, but then she heard footsteps. (Greanleaf heat decreased at night, giving her some releif, and she readied to take watch, then heard footsteps. However, there was no scent, and if there was one, it mixed too well with the trees. (However, she scented nothing, and sniffed the air carefully, catching a whiff of something mixedl with the trees.)She went to investigate, it could be a passing deer or loner, so no alarm needed. (She thought it might be a passing deer or loner, so raised no alarm.) Her aching paws forced themselves down the hill, (She forced herself down the hill on aching paws,) where she saw a black and white tail rush past a shrub and up a tree. She didn't see much (saw little) of the cat, despite bright Sun-high. She couldn't climb like some in her clan, plus with kits, she doesn't want to risk a fight in the trees, so she the mysterious figure on the ground, using the ruffling of leaves to keep up. (She wanted to avoid a fight in the trees, considering her inability to climb well, unlike the rest of her clan, plus with carrying kits, so she stalked the mysterious figure on the ground, moving in silence, usin the rustling leaves as cover) The chase only lasted a few minutes before the queen was forced to give up, and headed back up to the top of the hill. ( After only a few minutes, he queen slowed, unable to keep up. She stopped and let the invader scurry ahead out of sight. With a heavy sigh, she turned and headed back up the hill, and reluctantly decided to report it.
Exhausted, her body ached now and her long hair wasn't accustomed to greenleaf's heat. Needless to say, she was miserable. As she climbed down the hill back into camp, instead of worry from her fellow clan, there was only hate and suspicion. Webwhisker, Ashtuft, and the deputy, Emberblaze, rushed up to her, even though the sun had barely started to set. (ALWAYS have a new paragraph for each speaker) “Where were you?” Emberblaze hissed. Smokecloud took a step back, stunned, but her eyes remained calm. “There was a strange cat… so I-” She was cut off by Webwhisker “You left the camp unguarded!” His hiss made her pelt bristle, “I didn't even go 10 tail lengths from camp!” that was a lie, but she felt like she was being attacked. Suddenly, Webwhisker mumbled something to Ashtuft, Making her feel angrier. More and more cats began to wake up and watch the moonrise, her duty was over, and it was time for her to become a queen.
(Reworking this whole paragraph below)
Exhausted, and miserable, she forced her body aching body ahead. She cursed her long pelt, which gave her no relief in Greenleaf heat. As she climbed down the hill back into camp, instead of receiving worry from her fellow clan, they glared at herhate and suspicion. Webwhisker, Ashtuft, and the deputy, Emberblaze, rushed up to her, even though the sun still hubg in the sky, not yet set.
“Where were you?” Emberblaze hissed. Smokecloud took a step back, stunned, but her eyes remained calm.
“There was a strange cat… so I-” She was cut off by Webwhisker
“You left the camp unguarded!” His hiss made her pelt bristle,
“I didn't even go 10 tail lengths from camp!” she blurted out the little lie in a growl, feeling defensive. Suddenly, Webwhisker mumbled something to Ashtuft, and her anger grew. More and more cats woke up and watched the moonrise, and she knew she fulfilled her duty . A cramp rippled through her belly and she knew her time to be a queen finally arrived..
I hope this helps. If you have any questions let me know. I did this on the fly and as old as I am, I am still the typo quenn.. .
Read more: wcrpforums.com/post/1643412/edit#ixzz4x1B5weLO
Read more: wcrpforums.com/thread/47079/smokestars-true-weakness-ch-quality#ixzz4x14453MN
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Post by ApplesnapOfStormclan on Oct 30, 2017 20:17:36 GMT -5
Ok I have a bit of time and will try to help here. You have a habit o using redundancies like "began to" "seemed to" or "it was this or that". I will try to show better phrasing for you. My changes in bold.Smokecloud forced herself and her swollen belly up the hill. The sun began to rise(rose), and the clan has just begun to sleep.(the clan settle din to sleep) She, however, decided to watch and protect the clan one more night before becoming a queen. Her gray, matted tail and back straightened up, and her paws were heavy with sleep.(good description but a tweak will make it flow better as so -- She straightened her gray, matted tail and back, and moved on paws heavy with sleep. Late into the day, a sly white cat seemed to be peaking (peeked) out of the den. It was (She recognized) Webwhisker, a senior warrior. She already knew what he was doing, checking on her.(She grumbled, knowing he checkedup on her.)
However, it was clear he wasn't worried about her safety. In facts most cats have done the opposite, even the medicine cat, Crookedtail, has been giving her evil looks ever since they discovered she was going to have kits. (This sentence is awkward and unclear. How about --However, she realized he worried little about her safety. In fact, most cats showed little concern for her, even the medicine cat, Crookedtail, who cast evil looks at her ever since they discovered she carried kits.
T he sun was high, and the spying cat seemed to have stopped. (At sun high, the spying stopped, and she felt at her limit.) S he felt like she was at her limit, the green-leaf heat wasn't so apparent in the night, but then she heard footsteps. (Greanleaf heat decreased at night, giving her some releif, and she readied to take watch, then heard footsteps. However, there was no scent, and if there was one, it mixed too well with the trees. (However, she scented nothing, and sniffed the air carefully, catching a whiff of something mixedl with the trees.)She went to investigate, it could be a passing deer or loner, so no alarm needed. (She thought it might be a passing deer or loner, so raised no alarm.) Her aching paws forced themselves down the hill, (She forced herself down the hill on aching paws,) where she saw a black and white tail rush past a shrub and up a tree. She didn't see much (saw little) of the cat, despite bright Sun-high. She couldn't climb like some in her clan, plus with kits, she doesn't want to risk a fight in the trees, so she the mysterious figure on the ground, using the ruffling of leaves to keep up. (She wanted to avoid a fight in the trees, considering her inability to climb well, unlike the rest of her clan, plus with carrying kits, so she stalked the mysterious figure on the ground, moving in silence, usin the rustling leaves as cover) The chase only lasted a few minutes before the queen was forced to give up, and headed back up to the top of the hill. ( After only a few minutes, he queen slowed, unable to keep up. She stopped and let the invader scurry ahead out of sight. With a heavy sigh, she turned and headed back up the hill, and reluctantly decided to report it.
Exhausted, her body ached now and her long hair wasn't accustomed to greenleaf's heat. Needless to say, she was miserable. As she climbed down the hill back into camp, instead of worry from her fellow clan, there was only hate and suspicion. Webwhisker, Ashtuft, and the deputy, Emberblaze, rushed up to her, even though the sun had barely started to set. (ALWAYS have a new paragraph for each speaker) “Where were you?” Emberblaze hissed. Smokecloud took a step back, stunned, but her eyes remained calm. “There was a strange cat… so I-” She was cut off by Webwhisker “You left the camp unguarded!” His hiss made her pelt bristle, “I didn't even go 10 tail lengths from camp!” that was a lie, but she felt like she was being attacked. Suddenly, Webwhisker mumbled something to Ashtuft, Making her feel angrier. More and more cats began to wake up and watch the moonrise, her duty was over, and it was time for her to become a queen.
(Reworking this whole paragraph below)
Exhausted, and miserable, she forced her body aching body ahead. She cursed her long pelt, which gave her no relief in Greenleaf heat. As she climbed down the hill back into camp, instead of receiving worry from her fellow clan, they glared at herhate and suspicion. Webwhisker, Ashtuft, and the deputy, Emberblaze, rushed up to her, even though the sun still hubg in the sky, not yet set.
“Where were you?” Emberblaze hissed. Smokecloud took a step back, stunned, but her eyes remained calm.
“There was a strange cat… so I-” She was cut off by Webwhisker
“You left the camp unguarded!” His hiss made her pelt bristle,
“I didn't even go 10 tail lengths from camp!” she blurted out the little lie in a growl, feeling defensive. Suddenly, Webwhisker mumbled something to Ashtuft, and her anger grew. More and more cats woke up and watched the moonrise, and she knew she fulfilled her duty . A cramp rippled through her belly and she knew her time to be a queen finally arrived..
I hope this helps. If you have any questions let me know. I did this on the fly and as old as I am, I am still the typo quenn.. .
Read more: wcrpforums.com/post/1643412/edit#ixzz4x1B5weLO
Read more: wcrpforums.com/thread/47079/smokestars-true-weakness-ch-quality#ixzz4x14453MNT Thanks for this! I didnt change everything, but I took some tips. Ill probably post a revised version of this along with Ch.2 :3 |
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