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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on Jun 24, 2017 13:20:55 GMT -5
Can I save a spot? I'm on my phone at the moment, so I can't do a link. I'll be home in a hour though
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Post by Dewstripe on Jun 24, 2017 17:33:18 GMT -5
no problem (:
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on Jun 24, 2017 17:44:46 GMT -5
Username: ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ Package: Advanced Length of Request: Prologue & first five chapters Request: ●Ｕｎｃａｓｔ Ｓｔｏｎｅｓ●
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Post by Dewstripe on Jun 25, 2017 11:22:23 GMT -5
adding to the waitlist now and I'll get to it asap
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Post by Dewstripe on Jun 25, 2017 13:40:11 GMT -5
✲ριкαƒυєу✲ -- Here's your advanced edit! I usually only do p-4 (I count prologue as a chapter) but since no one else is waiting I did chapter five for you also. There really weren't too many errors so kudos to you! Let me know if you have any questions.
Red = spelling/grammar error
Orange = unnecessary word/punctuation
Yellow = explanation
Green = tense error
Teal = missing word/punctuation
Pink = other
PROLOGUE
Wind howled through the rain-blasted trees, leaves littering the forest floor. Paws pounded the soaked earth, kicking up mud onto nearby bushes. Yowls could be heard in the distance, barely audible over the roaring wind. A slender queen pressed through the storm, the kit in her jaws mewling pitifully. Just a little further!
The queen forced her legs to pump harder, as she cleared a narrow stream. Heart pounding in her chest, she breathed heavily through her nostrils. Her kit swayed limply in her jaws, thrumming his paws in protest. Not too much longer my love, she silently pleaded to her kit. We'll be safe soon.
Thunder cracked in an explosive boom, lightning illuminating the forest in a bright light. The yowling grew closer, the sound of paws drawing near. Gazing back with huge eyes, the queen rushed forward and through a bramble wall. Stumbling, she quickly drew herself back up and swept her gaze around. Loud gurgling from a river just below filled her ears, and she carefully stepped away from the edge.
Sitting her kit at her paws, she licked the tiny wet bundle while he mewled feebly. A loud snarl echoed through the forest, followed by caterwauls. Panic flared into the queen's chest, and she snatched her kit protectively.
“She's here!”
“She's trying to cross the river!”
“Not on my watch!”
Ears flattened, she swept her kit under her belly. A group of toms crashed through the wall, eyes glowing in the darkness. Hissing, she swiped her claws across the muzzle of the closest tom. Blood sprayed from his nose, and he let out a yowl of pain.
“I'll kill you!” he snarled angrily, but was quickly stopped by his companion.
“No!” the companion glared. “We're not here for that, you fool!”
A larger, battle-scarred tom stepped forward. “Hand over the kit,” he demanded coldly. “So we can put an end to this pathetic game of cat and mouse!”
Defiance welled up in queen's chest, as she stepped back towards the edge. “Never!”
“Then die!” the first tom spat, leaping at her.
Pushing her kit to the side, she swatted the tom aside. Earth crumbled beneath her hind paws, tumbling down in (should be "into") the raging river below. Her kit mewed in fear, pressing as close to her side as he could. The other two toms surrounded her, hackles high and their malignant eyes cold.
“If you just hand over the kit, you won't have to die!” the battle-scarred tom growled.
Casting a quick glance at her tiny kit, the queen returned the tom's glare. “You'll have to learn to swim then!” she hissed defiantly.
Fear throbbing through every inch of her pelt, she scooped her kit up into her jaws. Just as the other tom leaped to catch her, she rolled to the side and crashed into the raging current below. Darkness engulfed her, the cold water thrashing her against the pebbly bottom. She clamped her jaws tightly around her kit's scruff, before propelling herself up. Thrusting her muzzle above the surface, she struggled to keep her kit from going under.
A large wave knocked her back under, sending her tumbling back down to the river's depths. Churning her paws desperately, she broke through the surface once more. Her lungs were burning from lack of air, and she could feel her consciousness fading quickly. No! My son must live! I must make it through this! She stubbornly reminded herself. Bursting her head above the water, she gazed around frantically. Debris from the storm flooded into the water, a large log knocking the queen back under. With a lurch, she felt her kit's scruff escape her jaws. Filled with terror, she snatched desperately at the black water. Another strong wave sent her body gliding further downstream, slamming her against a lodged boulder.
Blackness began to cloud her vision, and she felt the life begin to fade from her body. My son, she wailed silently. I'm so sorry, I failed. She closed her eyes, the river taking her to it's ("it's" = it is. you mean "its") shadowy depths.
CHAPTER ONE
“Firepaw!”
Silence.
“Firepaw, come on!”
Why did I get chosen for dawn patrol? A small ginger tabby she-cat thought to herself resentfully. Grunting, she slowly sat up in her nest, shaking the moss from her soft pelt. Around her, the slow rise and fall from her denmates made her envious. I wish I could go to back to sleep!
Sighing, she gave a long stretch, climbing out of the thorn den. Early morning light was beginning to shimmer through the trees, speckling the clearing like a dappled pelt. Birdsong echoed through the sky above, while a gentle breeze ruffled the she-cat's fur. A long-haired, white she-cat made her way over, tail tip twitching irritably.
Cloudflight. The tabby thought, with an inward groan. Not too happy either, by the looks of it.
“Honestly Firepaw!” her mentor snapped. “You sleep like a dorm mouse!”
Firepaw just yawned. “Sorry,” she muttered groggily.
Cloudflight gave a snort. “Let's just go,” she mewed briskly.
Waiting by the entrance, were Firepaw's campmates—Rainpaw and Timberfall. Rainpaw paced around his mentor anxiously, as if he couldn't wait to run through the forest. Timberfall, however, looked less than pleased by his apprentice's enthusiasm. Firepaw twitched an ear amusingly. It's hard to believe Rainpaw is two moons older than me, he acts like a kit!
Timberfall turned towards his apprentice. “Rainpaw!” he called. “Quit pacing around, we're leaving.”
The dark gray tabby's eyes lit up, and he scrambled over to Firepaw. “Great!” he meowed happily.
Cloudflight exchanged a nod with Timberfall, before heading out of the hollow log's entrance. Firepaw followed just behind her mentor, Rainpaw dashing ahead of them. The young tom was sniffing around excitedly, eager to get into anything. Cloudflight huffed in amusement.
“What enthusiasm your apprentice has, Timberfall,” she commented. “Maybe mine should take some advice.”
Firepaw rolled her eyes, pushing past the white warrior. “I have plenty of enthusiasm,” she retorted indignantly. “I just have more of it when it isn't being up at dawn!”
Tail tip twitching, Timberfall paid them no mind. His gaze was fixed on Rainpaw, who was running further and further away. “Rainpaw!” he called. “Get back here!”
There was no response, and the gray tabby was nowhere in sight. Firepaw angled her ears ahead, hoping to hear her excitable denmate. The only sounds that drifted through her ears, however, was birdsong and the sounds of prey among the undergrowth. Timberfall had ran (should be either "ran" or "had run") ahead, going after his lively apprentice. Cloudflight quickly followed suit, Firepaw at her heels.
Up ahead, the undergrowth gave way to a deep ravine. The patrol stopped at the edge, scenting the air for their Clanmate. Firepaw peered over the edge of the ravine, stones clattering down the side. A dense fog covered the bottom, and she had to narrow her eyes to see better. The faint sound of water running down below told Firepaw a stream was at the bottom. Fluffing out her fur as chills crept up her spine, she backed away from the edge. I don't think I ever want to find out what's at the bottom!
Gazing across she saw the lining on tall pine trees, giving way to dark shadows below their needle canopies. PineClan is just on the other side, she remembered. I don't know how they can stand living in the dark like that! Timberfall head onwards, along the PineClan border—Cloudflight just beside him. Firepaw quickly caught up, looking around as they walked.
“I swear when I find this apprentice of mine, I'm going to rip his ears off!” Timberfall scowled irritably.
Cloudflight snorted. “Yeah, if you can catch him first!”
Bushes rustled nearby, alerting the patrol. Firepaw tensed, tasting the air for scents. Cloudflight stepped back, as Timberfall shouldered past her. He lifted his tail warily, ears flattened. The bushes exploded then, a large thrush flying up into the air. Just behind it, Rainpaw leaped and knocked it to the ground with out-stretched (no dash, it's one word: "outstretched") paws. He quickly killed it with a swift bite to the neck, and looked up at his Clanmates triumphantly.
“You mouse-brain!” Timberfall hissed, cuffing his apprentice around the ears. “Don't just go running off, doing as you please!”
Rainpaw reeled back, his silver eyes seeming full of hurt and confusion. “B-But I caught this really large thrush! It'll feed the elder's for sure!”
Timberfall growled. “Good, because as soon as we get back to camp you'll be taking care of their ticks for the next moon!”
Crestfallen, Rainpaw drooped his tail and looked down. Firepaw felt a stab of pity for her denmate, but a glare from Cloudflight told her to remain silent. Timberfall started to walk ahead, Rainpaw picking up his prey and following less cheerfully than before. Firepaw walked beside him, resting her tail tip on his shoulder in quiet comfort. Her friend blinked gratefully at her, and the two followed their mentors deeper into their territory. Once they reached the ReedClan border, Firepaw sniffed around for any new scents. The narrow river that ran through the border was still, and the water looked like a thin sheet of ice. Across it, a large reed bed gave way to marshland, where the ReedClan cats made their home.
Cloudflight remarked the scent lines with Timberfall, and then turned to set out back towards camp. Firepaw went to follow, but was stopped by a splash from the river. Halting, she turned and looked back over towards the border. She shook out her fur, and padded back towards the riverbed. Peering into the water, she noticed a large bundle of fur drifting through the gentle current.
Her fur stood on end. Great StarClan, it's a cat!
“Cloudflight!” she yowled. “Come here, quickly!”
Cloudflight came rushing back, Rainpaw and Timberfall on her heels. Fur bristled along her spine, she rushed over towards Firepaw. Following her startled gaze, her mentor quickly saw the cat drifting in the river.
“Great StarClan!” she exclaimed. “Timberfall, it's a cat!”
Timberfall raced over, quickly leaping down into the river. Cloudflight paced the edge, waiting for their Clanmate to pull the cat to shore. The brown warrior paddled over the strange cat, grabbing its scruff in his teeth. He tugged them, pulling them towards the pebbly shore. Cloudflight joined him, wading into the water to help pull the cat ashore. Dragging the sodden cat across the pebbles, Timberfall panted heavily as they let it go.
“Are they breathing?” Cloudflight asked, worried.
Timberfall lowered his muzzle to the cat's chest. “Just barely,” he answered, pressing his forepaws on the cat's chest. “Turn their head up so I can get the water out,” he ordered.
Cloudflight obeyed, turning their muzzle and stepping back. Timberfall pressed down repeatedly, heaving the cat's flanks up. After a few moments, the cat coughed, water gushing out of their mouth. Timberfall lowered his head to theirs.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
The cat gazed up at him, their bright blue eyes cloudy. Without an answer, their head drooped to the ground again, falling back into unconsciousness.
CHAPTER TWO
“How is he?”
“Will he live?”
“Hush! Both of you! I'll call you when something happens!”
Blinking open his eyes, a tom gazed around himself blearily. In a nest lined with moss and feathers, he could hear the trickling of water just outside the hollow log he was in. Where am I? he wondered hazily. Who were those voices I just heard? Soft paw steps sounded just outside, and in stepped a small black-and-white tom. His silver gaze was calm and gentle, and the tom felt himself at ease.
“So you're awake,” the tom meowed, his voice an even-toned mew. “How do you feel?”
Looking around, he tried to sit up. Dizziness edged his vision, and he forced himself to stay down. “Very dizzy,” he rasped.
The tom gave a brief nod, and rested a paw on his chest. “Seems you were in the water a good amount of time,” he murmured. Tilting his head, he moved back. “My name is Whispersong by the way, I'm LeafClan's medicine cat.”
“Medicine cat? LeafClan?” the tom echoed, confused.
Whispersong rustled through some hollow indents in the log. “LeafClan is one of the four Clans of the forest. The river you were found in was close to ReedClan's border. Our dawn patrol found you floating down the river, unconscious.”
“Dawn patrol...?” the tom repeated, his mind whirling. What are all these strange words? Just where am I?
Placing a leaf bundle in front of his muzzle, Whispersong sat with his tail neatly wrapped around his paws. “I can imagine this is a lot to take in at once,” he observed. “You've had a pretty traumatic experience, so just try to take it easy.”
Sniffing at the bundle, he screwed up his nose. “What is this? It smells strange.”
“Strengthening herbs,” Whispersong replied, whiskers twitching. “They might taste a bit bitter, but you'll feel much better afterward.”
Hesitating, the tom lapped up the herbs bundled in the leaf. Struggling to swallow the bitter taste on his tongue, he grudgingly gulped it down. Licking his lips disgustedly, he sat back up. The LeafClan medicine cat looked on in amusement, before getting back to his paws.
“Tell me,” he mewed suddenly. “What is your name, young one?”
The tom blinked uncertainly. My name? He thought, frowning. I can't remember anything...did I even have one? Shaking his head, he looked down at his paws. “I-I...”
Darkness swept through his mind then, edging the lining of the oak forest. Shadows cast along the floor, providing safety and security for the tiny life living among the ferns and brambles. That's right, he remembered suddenly. My name...
“My name it's, (if he's cutting off his sentence, put a - instead of a ,)” he began, looking back up. “My name is Shadow.”
Blinking thoughtfully, Whispersong gave an approving nod. “Shadow,” he repeated. “That's a fitting name for a dark tabby like yourself.”
“Whispersong!” a mew sounded just outside the hollow log. “Dawnrise is complaining of cramps, I'm not sure if she's kitting or not.”
Turning his head, Whispersong sighed. “I'll be right there, Sleetpaw,” shifting his gaze back to Shadow, the small tom dipped his head. “I must go check on one of our queens, so I ask that you try to get some more rest.”
Shadow watched Whispersong disappear outside, his paws feeling heavy. I'm so tired, he thought drearily. My mind is all hazy too, I don't remember anything at all. Shifting his paws uncomfortably, Shadow gave a quiet sigh. A fluffy gray tom suddenly ducked into the log, sniffing around the herb stores. Absent-mindlessly (you mean "absentmindedly") shifting through them, he grunted and scooped up a pawful of strange looking plants. Shadow watched him curiously, but didn't say a word.
The tom quickly darted back out of the hollow log, leaving Shadow to himself again. Twitching an ear, he listened around him. The many sounds of cats talking, kits mewling, and the scuffling of dirt as cats tussled filled his ears. Curiosity itching in his paws, Shadow slowly slipped out of his mossy nest. Tasting the air, the scent of fresh-kill and other cats bathed his tongue. There must be a lot of cats here, he noted. I wonder how many?
Pushing through a thin lichen wall, he emerged into a grassy clearing. A small pool of water trickled outside of the hollow log he was in, a thick fern barrier surrounding the tiny clearing. (this is a fragment, needs a verb. maybe "and a thick fern barrier surrounded the tiny clearing") Peeking his head outside of the fern entrance, he could see an even bigger clearing—trees looming on all sides, while a thick bramble barrier surrounded it. Near the hollow log he was in, Shadow could see a thick clump of brambles not far off. The sounds of mewling kits told him it was a nursery. Another large hollowed out tree was on the other side of the log, with reinforced bramble walls along the side. An old light brown tom laid outside, his silver eyes dull with age.
Across the clearing, were two more large clumps of brambles. A golden tabby she-cat tussled around with a dark gray tom, a black she-cat with white paws looking on. In front of the other bramble clump, were two older cats sharing a large blackbird together. At the very edge of the clearing, stood a thick, old oak tree. It sat atop a large boulder, its ancient roots wrapping itself into place. At the bottom, along the side of the boulder, a narrow crevice seemed to open up into a den of sorts. The very center of the clearing stood a pile of freshly caught prey—made up of all sorts of creatures from the forest beyond.
“So you decided to come out,” Whispersong's even mew startled him.
Shadow flinched, looking down. “I-I'm sorry,” he apologized. “I was just curious...”
“It's quite alright,” the gentle tom purred. “Seeing your curiosity tells me you're feeling well.”
Lifting his head, Shadow tipped his head to the side. “So, is this LeafClan?” he asked, remembering Whispersong's introduction not long ago.
Silver eyes gleaming, Whispersong nodded. “That's correct,” he said. “The very heart of it to be exact. We're in the camp.”
“The camp?” Shadow repeated questioningly.
Whispersong turned to face a hole through a hollow log, near the clump of bramble dens. “Over there is the camp entrance,” he said. “The two dens beside it are the apprentice and warrior dens.”
“Apprentice and warriors?” Shadow asked. “What are those?”
“Well, a warrior is a cat who protects the Clan from predators and enemy Clans. The apprentices are warriors in training, or in other cases, a cat training to be the future medicine cat,” Whispersong explained. “Apprentices start their training when they're six moons. Actually, you would have just became ("become") an apprentice if you were Clanborn.”
Shadow's mind whirled with the new information. He shook it and thought for a moment. “So Sleetpaw is your apprentice then?” he asked.
Whispersong's whiskers twitched approvingly. “Correct,” he purred. “And over there,” he pointed his tail toward the bramble of mewling kits. “Is the nursery where the queens stay with their kits until they're old enough to become apprentices. On the other side, in that hollow tree is where the elders stay.”
Shadow gazed around in awe. LeafClan was so well organized! Each cat seemed to be busy with their own duties, and Shadow couldn't help but feel impressed. How great it must be to be part of a Clan! he thought excitedly. His bright blue gaze drifted towards the large oak, curiosity stirring in his pelt.
“What is near that large oak tree?” he asked.
Whispersong sat, wrapping his tail around his paws. “That is where our leader addresses the Clan,” he meowed. “In that crevice just below, is where she makes her den.”
Shadow watched the crevice, blinking when a cat emerged. Her fluffy calico fur glowed in the sunlight, while her black tipped ears and toes shone gray. A dark ginger-and-white she-cat approached her, and the two talked quietly among (I think that is technically grammatically fine, but I personally think "amongst" sounds better) each other. As the second she-cat disappeared through the camp entrance, the first one looked over towards Shadow and Whispersong.
“That is Echostar,” Whispersong murmured to Shadow quietly. “Remember to be respectful, she is LeafClan's leader.”
Shivering a bit nervously, Shadow lowered himself to the ground as she approached them. Echostar gazed down at him, her dark blue eyes warm and friendly. Whispersong stood, dipping his head respectfully.
“Foxchaser had told me our guest had woken,” she mewed, her voice soft and warm. “And I can see he is not much older than our newest apprentice, Firepaw.”
Whispersong nodded briefly. “Yes, he just woke up not long ago,” he responded. “He doesn't remember much, but he told me his name was Shadow.”
Echostar looked at him thoughtfully, exchanging a glance with Whispersong. Shadow looked at them, feeling uneasy. What was that just now? He wondered. Whispersong draped his tail across Shadow's shoulders, nodding to him.
Echostar turned to head back towards her den, motioning for them to follow. Gulping uneasily, Shadow followed alongside Whispersong. A thin lichen drape lined the entrance to the crevice, and he watched as the LeafClan leader disappeared inside. Whispersong gave Shadow a nod, and he hesitantly followed after her, Whispersong just behind him. Echostar sat at the back of the small cave, her tail neatly around her paws. Whispersong sat beside her, while Shadow nervously sat a few tail-lengths in front of them.
“Shadow,” Echostar spoke, her blue eyes sparking thoughtfully. “Is it true you do not remember anything but your name?”
Shadow dropped his gaze, staring down at his paws. “Y-Yes,” he answered. “I don't even remember coming here.”
Whispersong looked at his leader. “Echostar, what is it that's on your mind?”
Echostar kept her gaze on Shadow. “If it is true that our guest does not have any memory, it would be wrong to cast him out of camp.”
“So what is it that you suggest?” Whispersong asked, ears perked.
“I think Shadow should be taken in, until further notice,” she responded.
Shadow looked at her, heart quickening. “Taken in?”
The fluffy calico's blue eyes lit up. “Shadow, how would you like to become a LeafClan apprentice?”
CHAPTER THREE
“Well? What do you think, Shadow?” Echostar asked, her blue eyes gleaming in the dimness of the den.
Become a LeafClan apprentice? Shadow stared at the leader in shock. Could I really prove myself to be useful to them? The thought of running through the forest, catching prey and living among the Clan cats was very appealing to the young tom. Just the thought of being useful stirred excitement in his pelt. He blinked, realizing the LeafClan leader was awaiting his answer.
Whispersong leaned forward. “Echostar, are you certain this is a good idea?”
The graceful she-cat raised her head, confidence coming off her pelt in waves. “LeafClan is strong,” she stated. “And it will be even stronger with another apprentice.”
Shadow felt his heart leap. Can I really do this? He screwed his eyes shut tight, trying to summon all of his courage. Finally, he took a deep breath. “I-I'll do it,” he decided. “I'll become a LeafClan apprentice.”
Echostar's blue gaze bore into his own. “Are you certain?” she mewed. “Being a member of our Clan will not always be easy. There will be days where we may not have fresh-kill, and you will go to bed hungry. There will be times you could face danger—even death—in battle with other Clans, or even predators. Will you be able to handle that?”
Uneasiness stirred in Shadow's belly. Although the danger and hard-life (don't need the dash, just two words: "hard life") seemed daunting, the looks of contentment and happiness lighting in the gazes of the cats earlier out-weighed (it's just one word: "outweighed") that. And, maybe this will help me regain my memory as well. At last, Shadow fully made his decision. “Yes,” he vowed, his voice cracking with slight uncertainty.
Dipping her head in brief approval, Echostar got to her paws. “Very well,” she said, eyes glowing. “Come.”
Whispersong nodded to Shadow, following after her. Trying to ignore the tightening knot in his belly, Shadow emerged back into the clearing. Echostar had bounded up the large oak, while Whispersong sat at the foot of it. He motioned for Shadow to quickly join him, Echostar yowling for the Clan to gather.
“Let all cats old enough to catch their own prey gather here beneath the Highoak for a Clan meeting!”
Upon hearing her summons, all the cats in the clearing quickly stood and gathered beneath the ancient oak tree. Shadow blinked as he watched the cats gather, all of them glancing at him with curious eyes. Whispersong sat erect, ears pointed as he waited patiently for his leader to begin. Trying to mimic him, Shadow straightened up—attempting to seem just as confident.
“As you know,” Echostar began. “Our dawn patrol found this young tom floating in the river beside ReedClan. Since recovering, I have decided to offer him apprenticeship within the Clan.”
Gasps of surprise and shock rippled through the cats. They looked at each other, completely unsettled by having a cat they knew little about join ("joining") their ranks. Echostar raised her tail to silence her Clan.
“I know this is a sudden decision,” she explained. “However, times have become dire. With more and more skirmishes between our rivals, we need another apprentice now more than ever. Shadow has agreed to become an apprentice, and so I will ask StarClan to approve of him.”
The cats grew silent, turning their gaze to Echostar as she raised her muzzle to the sky.
“From this day forward, until he has earned his warrior name, this apprentice will be called Shadowpaw. Your mentor will be Sagepelt,” she swept her gaze towards a gray tabby. “Sagepelt, you are ready to take on an apprentice. You had received excellent training from Oaktuft, and you have shown yourself to be patient and compassionate. I expect you to pass on all you know to young Shadowpaw.”
Sagepelt nodded solemnly, slowly stepping forward out of the throng of cats. Shadow stiffened, unsure of what to do. Whispersong gently nosed his forward. “Touch your nose to Sagepelt's,” he instructed quietly.
Stumbling forward, Shadow nervously approached his new mentor. Sagepelt leaned his muzzle down towards him, touching noses before stepping back. The cats glanced at one another, before raising their muzzles up. “Shadowpaw! Shadowpaw! Shadowpaw!” they chanted.
Tail bushing out, Shadowpaw quickly leaped back in surprise. Whispersong purred in amusement, gently touching his shoulder with his tail. “It's okay,” he reassured. “Our Clanmates are just welcoming you into the Clan as Shadowpaw.”
Shadowpaw blinked. Our Clanmates! His fur fluffed out in excitement. I'm really a LeafClan apprentice now!
Whispersong slowly padded through his Clanmates, back towards his den. Shadowpaw watched him, unsure of what he should do next. Sagepelt was nearby, talking quietly with two other warriors. Sending them off with a tiny flick of his tail, the gray tabby padded towards Shadowpaw. Heart quickening, he stared down his paws nervously.
“Welcome to LeafClan, Shadowpaw,” his mentor greeted warmly. “I'm Sagepelt, and I will be your mentor from here on.”
Shadowpaw looked up at him. The tabby warrior's silver eyes were friendly and welcoming. Feeling more at ease, Shadowpaw straightened up and forced himself to nod. “N-Nice to meet you, Sagepelt.”
Sagepelt tilted his head thoughtfully. “So Shadowpaw,” he meowed. “What do you know about the Clans?”
Frowning, he shook his head. “N-Nothing,” he admitted. “I don't remember anything. I-I'm not even sure if I knew about the Clans before you found me.”
Sagepelt's gaze softened. “What a shame,” he mewed sympatheticly ("sympathetically"). He quickly shook out his fur. “Well, there is no use dwelling on what can't be helped. I think today I'll teach you the basics of Clan life.”
“The basics?” Shadowpaw asked.
Nodding, Sagepelt gazed around the camp. “As you might already know, this is our camp. We must never allow any enemies or predators to get close. Protecting our queens, kits, and elders are a warriors' (the "a" implies singular, so it should be "warrior's") top priority.”
Shadowpaw nodded in understanding. “Whispersong showed me what all the dens were too,” he added.
“Great,” Sagepelt smiled. “Has he mentioned the warrior code to you at all?”
“Warrior code?” Shadowpaw echoed, confused.
Purring, Sagepelt walked ahead. “I'll take that as a no,” he said. “The warrior code is the Clans way of life. We are to obey the code at all times, and can face severe punishment if broken.”
Shadowpaw's fur bristled in fear. What if he had broken the code while he was here? What if he did at all? Sagepelt's eyes glowed, clearly sensing the apprentice's apprehension.
“Easy,” he assured. “You will learn the code well in time. For now, I will teach you the most basic of them.”
Relaxing, Shadowpaw nodded. “Okay.”
Sagepelt sat and curled his tail around his paws. “The first warrior code states that you must defend your Clan, even at the cost of your life. You can have friendships in the other Clans, but your loyalty must always be towards your Clan. After all, you may just meet them in battle some day.”
Shadowpaw frowned. “So why become friends with other cats in the Clans?”
Shrugging, Sagepelt shook his head. “Sometimes it's just best to stick to your own Clan. You won't have to face such a decision then,” he went on. “Which leads to the second code. Clan cats may not hunt or trespass into another Clan's territory. And for good reason! The prey we have in our own territories are best suited to our respective abilities, and hunting techniques. It also keeps the Clans at peace.”
“I understand,” Shadowpaw mewed.
Nodding, Sagepelt went on. “The next code you must know, is that Clan must be fed first. That means the elders, queens, and kits must be fed before yourself. Eating any prey while out on patrol is strictly forbidden. All prey caught must be brought back, and only then may you eat your share.”
Shadowpaw tipped his head. “That makes sense,” he mewed thoughtfully.
“The next code you need to know for now, is that an honorable warrior does not need to kill in order to win a battle. Battles can be won, without the death of an enemy,” Sagepelt explained.
“So we fight only to protect our Clan, but not to kill?” Shadowpaw repeated. “Understood.”
Whiskers twitching, Sagepelt stood with a stretch. “Yes, now,” he began. “Go and pick a piece of prey from the fresh-kill pile, and get yourself some rest. I plan to take you to explore the territory first thing tomorrow.”
Shadowpaw's belly rumbled, making him realize just how hungry he was. Nodding a little in embarrassment, he scurried over to the center of camp. Carefully plucking a mouse from the pile, he sat in a quiet corner of camp to eat. Once he was done, he slid into the apprentices' den. Inside, it was spacious and warm, mossy nests lined along the dirt floor. Warily sniffing out a nest with stale scent, he curled up and stared at the entrance. Eyes beginning to feel heavy, he slowly drifted off to sleep.
CHAPTER FOUR
Water washed over Shadowpaw's muzzle, tossing him back down into darkness. Choking, the mottled tom feebly churned the water with his paws. Gasping for air, he broke the surface of the water once more. Logs and other forest debris crashed over him, knocking him back down below. Fear exploded in his chest, and he fought desperately for air. The powerful current yanked him further downstream, wrapping its thick waves around the young tom's body.
Panic stricken, Shadowpaw struggled to break free of its vicious grip. Once again, his muzzle broke the surface and he managed to gulp in some more air; before being dragged back down into the water's dark depths. Being flung mercilessly along the riverbed, he let out a painful gasp as he was slammed into a submerged tree trunk. Vision fading, Shadowpaw could feel himself drifting away. Darkness edged his vision, swallowing him into a thick blanket of shadows.
Gasping for air, Shadowpaw flew up in his nest. Half-asleep and still in a state of panic, he bundled out of the den and into the clearing. Fur bushed out in fear, ears flat and eyes widened, he looked around him in shock. Without turning his gaze ahead of him, he slammed into another cat. The other cat let out a yowl of surprise, and the two of them tumbled across the dirt. Shadowpaw gazed down in confusion, meeting the shocked dark blue gaze of a ginger tabby. Embarrassed, he quickly leaped back and bowed his head apologetically.
“I-I'm so sorry!” he stammered, his pelt hot with shame. “I-I didn't see you and..."
The tabby got to her paws, shaking out her fur. “I could tell,” she huffed. “You looked as if a herd of foxes were (I make this mistake all the time lol. the word "were" only makes sense if you said "foxes were," but since it's "a HERD of foxes" (meaning one single herd) it needs to be the singlular form "was") after you!”
Ears burning, Shadowpaw lowered his gaze. “I-I had a bad dream...I'm really sorry...”
“Don't worry about it,” she shrugged. “It's not that big of a deal.”
Lifting his head, Shadowpaw blinked. The tabby looked about his age, but her small frame made her seem much younger than she was. She had white paws, a tiny white tuft of fur sticking out on her chest. Tilting his head, he tried to remember where he had seen her before. For some reason, she seemed oddly familiar.
Twitching an ear, her eyes gleamed in amusement. “You know, it's not very polite to stare.”
Blinking, Shadowpaw quickly looked away in embarrassment. “S-Sorry, I-I didn't mean...”
Laughing, she flicked her tail. “Relax already!” she growled good-humorously. “You're more jumpy ("jumpier") than a kit their first day out of the nursery!”
“R-Right...” Shadowpaw mewed, blinking at her.
“Shadowpaw, wasn't it?” she asked. “I didn't really get a chance to introduce myself yesterday. My name's Firepaw. I'm one of the apprentices here, in fact, until you came I was the newest one.”
Shadowpaw tipped his head to the side. The small tabby's ginger fur glowed in the early sunlight, and he could easily see why she had been named Firepaw. “How long have you been an apprentice?”
Firepaw gave a long stretch. “Only for a few days,” she answered. “My mentor's name is Cloudflight.” She flicked her tail over towards a long-haired white she-cat, just now emerging from the warriors' den. “She can be a pain, but she's not too bad once you get used to her.”
Whiskers twitching, Shadowpaw watched the white warrior greet a few others at the camp entrance. He swept his gaze back to Firepaw. “She seems friendly,” he observed.
The ginger apprentice gave a snort. “Yeah, and badgers fly!” she rolled her eyes. “Get to know her, you'll learn to like the badgers more,” she said, narrowing her eyes.
Stepping back, Shadowpaw shook his head. “Er, t-that's alright...”
A hint of mischief shone in her eyes, and she began to groom her chest fur. “So, Shadowpaw,” she mewed between licks. “How do you like the Clan so far?” she stopped to meet his gaze.
Shadowpaw shuffled his paws uncomfortably. “I-It isn't bad....” he started, uncertain of what to say.
Firepaw smoothed a paw over her ears. “Yeah, I guess that's a good way to put it,” she meowed simply, opening an eye to stare at him.
“Firepaw!” a new voice called.
Sighing, she shook her head and glanced over her shoulder. Shadowpaw followed her gaze, tilting his head as a dark gray tabby bounced towards them—silver eyes wide with undisguised enthusiasm. Skidding to a halt only a tail-length away, he shifted his paws excitedly. Firepaw's ears twitched with amusement, and she let out a tiny snort.
“Care to tell me what has you excited today, Rainpaw?” she asked, although Shadowpaw guessed by her tone she already knew the answer.
Rainpaw turned in a quick circle, fur bushed out. “Timberfall is taking me out on my first assessment today!” he chirped, eyes wide. “I'm so nervous, but so excited at the same time!”
Firepaw gave him a friendly nudge. “You'll do fine with all that energy!” she teased playfully. “Just make sure not to scare off the prey!”
Not seeming to notice his friend's playful jabs, Rainpaw's gaze had already drifted towards Shadowpaw. Feeling a bit uneasy, Shadowpaw began to step back a bit. Rainpaw was faster, pouncing just a hair away from him. Yelping in surprise, Shadowpaw fell back, ears flat. Completely oblivious, the gray apprentice stared at him with round, curious eyes.
“Hey, it's the new apprentice!” he exclaimed unnecessarily.
Firepaw flicked her tail over his muzzle, standing beside her friend. “Yeah, we're aware of that you big lump!” she scolded, her tone amused. “But how about you not scare the hair off his pelt first?”
Catching his breath, Shadowpaw got back to his paws. He eyed the excitable apprentice warily, making sure to step back from him. Although Rainpaw seemed friendly, his energy was a bit too much for the new apprentice to bear with. Not seeming the slightest bit deterred, Rainpaw leaned his muzzle forward to sniff Shadowpaw curiously.
“You smell weird,” he wrinkled his nose. “Are you a kittypet or something?”
Shadowpaw blinked. “A...what?” he asked, completely confused.
Firepaw cuffed her denmate over the ears, nudging him back. “Don't mind Rainpaw,” she sighed. “He's got a few...things missing up there.”
“Huh? What's missing?” Rainpaw asked, blissfully unaware. “Should I go find it?”
Heaving a defeated sigh, Firepaw flicked her tail towards a group of warriors. “Yes Rainpaw,” she muttered. “Why don't you go ask Timberfall what's missing? Maybe you can actually find them before you drive us all crazy.”
Eyes shining with a new task, the dark gray tabby scrambled off towards his mentor—a thick-furred dark brown tom. Shadowpaw stared after them, in awe of how much enthusiasm and energy the young tom had. He's almost a bit exhausting to watch, he thought wearily.
Firepaw shook her head. “Sorry,” she apologized, smiling a little as she looked at him. “Rainpaw means well, he's just a bit of an air-head sometimes.”
Sometimes? Shadowpaw blinked. To him, this seemed like it was almost an everyday routine! Relaxing, he gave a little purr. “It's okay,” he mewed. “He seems friendly enough.”
“Too friendly,” Firepaw scoffed, rolling her eyes. “The mouse-brain would try to befriend a nest of foxes if you let him!”
Friendly and with a death wish, Shadowpaw sighed. He sure picked some interesting cats to share a den with.
Sagepelt padded over towards them, his eyes warm and friendly. Dipping his head in greeting to the apprentices, he twitched an ear at Shadowpaw. “So,” he meowed. “Are you ready to tour the territory?”
Excitement fizzled under Shadowpaw's pelt, and his eyes shone. “Yes!” he purred.
Tipping his head towards the fresh-kill pile, his mentor let out an amused laugh. “Well, first, make sure you eat something. It's a long way to go, and we won't have time to stop and hunt.”
Nodding, Shadowpaw quickly bounded off towards the pile of prey in the center of camp. Sniffing through the heap, he chose a vole and sat near the medicine cat den. Finishing it in a few bites, he got to his paws and raced to the entrance of camp, where Sagepelt was waiting patiently.
“All set?” he asked, getting to his paws.
Shadowpaw nodded, raising his tail happily. Before they could leave, however, Sagepelt turned his attention to Cloudflight and Firepaw as they approached. Curious, Shadowpaw blinked at them.
“Cloudflight and Firepaw will be joining us today,” Sagepelt explained. “It can never hurt for newer apprentices to see as much of our territory as possible.”
Cloudflight nodded in agreement. “Yes,” she said, shooting a meaning glance to her apprentice. “Shadowpaw, because you especially do not know much about Clan life, this will be a very important lesson for you. Listen carefully today, for it will be wise to learn as much as you can.”
Suddenly feeling nervous, Shadowpaw dipped his head politely. “I-I will,” he promised.
Sagepelt's whiskers twitched, and he turned to leave through the hollow log. Cloudflight and Firepaw followed after him, Shadowpaw just behind them. As they emerged out of camp, the sky above was suddenly hidden by a sea of green. Lush plant life surrounded them on all sides, large oak trees towering overhead—their vast branches providing the cats security with thick green leaves. Birdsong echoed through the forest, the sounds of scuttling dashing through the thickets nearby. Shadowpaw gazed around him in awe, shocked by how full of life the forest was.
He quickly followed his Clanmates, as they veered off into a path through some ferns. At the end of it, the path opened up into a small clearing. Sitting in the center, was a hollow pit whose all stone walls were barely a tail-length above the soft sand it encased. Sagepelt turned to look at him.
“This is the hollow pit,” he told him. “Here is where we hold training sessions for both warriors and apprentices. You'll become fairly familiar with this place soon enough.”
Firepaw hopped down into the pit. “Don't let the sand fool you,” she sniffed. “It's as hard as stone.”
Cloudflight lashed her tail. “Stop goofing off!” she spat.
“Stop goofing off!” Firepaw muttered in a mocking tone, as she climbed back out to stand beside Shadowpaw.
Blinking uneasily, he just shifted his gaze towards Sagepelt. His mentor was waiting patiently, staring up at the trees. Crows cawed loudly, bursting from some trees close by. Sagepelt's fur spiked up in alarm.
“Somethings wrong,” he growled. “Cloudflight, take Firepaw and Shadowpaw back to camp!”
Not waiting a single moment, the white warrior obeyed and thrust the two apprentices forward. Hissing a protest, Firepaw stumbled forward. Shadowpaw stared back at Sagepelt with wide eyes, worried for his mentor. The gray tabby was already charging deeper into the forest, leaving a thin trail of dust in his wake. Cloudflight nudged Shadowpaw again, her yellow eyes burning.
“Move it!” she snapped.
Yelping in surprise, Shadowpaw stumbled over his paws as he dashed ahead of them. Firepaw quickly followed at his heels, skirting a few trees as she darted past him. Cloudflight was bringing up their rear, an unreadable expression clouding her gaze. As the trio burst into camp, the tang of blood filled Shadowpaw's nostrils. Skidding to a halt, panting heavily, he saw a heap of bloody matted fur beside the Highoak. Rainpaw was pacing back and forth, fur ruffled and dirty. Echostar was already outside of her den, fur spiked along her spine.
“There you are!” a golden tabby meowed, bounding up to Firepaw's side.
“Yellowpaw, what in the name of StarClan happened?” Firepaw demanded, her eyes wide.
The golden apprentice frowned. “I'm not sure,” she replied. “Rainpaw came racing back, just barely managing to hold Longwhisker up.”
Shadowpaw blinked, flicking his gaze back towards the injured warrior. Whispersong and Sleetpaw were already at his side, tending to his wounds carefully.
“Foxchaser left with Alderleaf and Lionclaw not long ago,” Yellowpaw went on. “Echostar is still trying to figure out what happened. Timberfall didn't return, and with Longwhisker injured...”
Firepaw frowned, her gaze suddenly dark. “This is bad,” she murmured softly.
Unease crept through Shadowpaw's fur, and he gazed back through the hollow log. Sagepelt, he frowned. (This confused me. Not really sure what you're going for) Without bothering to look back at his new Clanmates, he quickly pushed his way out of camp. Whatever had injured Longwhisker and distressed Rainpaw so badly, Shadowpaw was determined to make sure his new mentor made it back to camp okay.
CHAPTER FIVE
Shadowpaw pushed through brambles, his ears alert for the sounds of screeching cats. Worry and panic seared his pelt. Rapid pawsteps followed closely behind him, and he skidded to a halt. Spinning around, ice blue eyes met dark blue. Firepaw was panting, her fur spiked up.
“F-Firepaw?” Shadowpaw panted, surprised to see his denmate had followed him.
Firepaw lifted her head, eyes narrowed. “Did you honestly think I'd let you charge through the forest alone?” she growled, swiping her sheathed paws across his ears. “Mouse-brain!”
Flinching back, Shadowpaw lowered his head. “S-Sorry!” he apologized. “B-But Sagepelt...”
“Save it,” Firepaw snapped. “We're here now right? Might as well finish what we came out here to do.”
Without waiting for a response, the ginger she-cat pushed past him. Not seeing if he was following, she pressed forward. Reluctantly, Shadowpaw bounded off behind her. The two apprentices ran through the forest, the sounds of screeching cats drawing closer and closer. Firepaw leaped onto a tumble of rocks, gazing down a small ravine into a clearing. Shadowpaw jumped up beside her, his eyes widened in shock.
Down below were the LeafClan patrol, swiping and hissing at a large black-and-white creature. It had a narrow snout, with black beady eyes. Twice the size of the cats, the beast lumbered around on four, thick legs. Laying beside a bush bleeding profusely from deep claw marks, was Rainpaw's mentor, Timberfall. Sagepelt was standing in front of his wounded Clanmate, hissing angrily at the large creature. Scratches laced his flanks, and blood dripped from a gash on his head. Nearby, a dark ginger tom leaped onto the snarling beast's back. Another tom, a golden tabby, swiped at him with sharp claws. Biting into its leg, a dark ginger-and-white she-cat clung on fiercely. With a heavy thud, the ginger tom was flung onto the ground. Ears flat, he spat angrily as the beast loomed over him.
“Alderleaf!” Firepaw screeched, charging down into the clearing.
“Firepaw!” Shadowpaw called after her, as he half-ran, half-tumbled down the ravine.
Without hesitation, the small tabby leaped and fastened herself onto the beast's snout. Roaring in fury and pain, it lunged back with its muzzle thrust in the air. The dark ginger she-cat released its leg, leaping back, the golden tabby right at her side. Not waiting for the vicious animal to regain its footing, Alderleaf rammed himself into its exposed belly. Watching in horror, Shadowpaw let out a yowl as their attacker fell onto its back. The impact caused Firepaw to lose her grip, and she was flung into the brambles.
“Lionclaw!” the dark ginger she-cat yowled.
“On it!” the golden tabby replied, charging into the brambles Firepaw was flung into.
Alderleaf backed up, as the creature rolled to its paws. It turned its gaze to where Lionclaw had went (should be either just "went" or "had gone") after Firepaw, and began to lumber after them. Alderleaf snarled and leaped onto its back, the ginger she-cat following suit. Sagepelt was trying to get Timberfall to his paws, nudging him up. However, the brown tom was too badly wounded to move. Frozen in horror, Shadowpaw felt the world around him spin. His heart raced at the chaos around him, and his mind whirled with panic.
“Shadowpaw!” Sagepelt's sharp mew brought him back. “Come help me!”
Snapping his gaze towards his mentor, he shakily raced to his side. “Sagepelt!” he gasped, seeing how badly the gray tabby had been wounded.
“Focus!” Sagepelt hissed. “We need to get Timberfall back to camp!”
“B-But what about the others?” Shadowpaw stammered, trembling.
Sagepelt lashed his tail. “They'll be fine! Right now Timberfall needs our help!”
Not wanting to argue anymore, Shadowpaw silently agreed. The two toms nudged Timberfall to his paws. The wounded warrior let out a hiss of pain, almost causing Shadowpaw to leap back in fear. Sagepelt heaved him up, the two cats managing to sling him over Sagepelt's back. Shadowpaw pressed close to his mentor's flank, keeping his Clanmate's head up. Before they could get out of the clearing, Firepaw's yowl of terror stopped them in their tracks. The large, lumbering creature had her cornered.
Shadowpaw stared in horror, the stunned body of Alderleaf laying a short distance away. Lionclaw and the ginger she-cat were slashing at the animal, but it had its beady eyes focused on Firepaw. His denmate struck out aggressively, but her eyes were wide with terror. Dashing from Sagepelt's side, Shadowpaw leaped onto its head. He dug his claws in, hanging on tightly as it shook its head in pain. He felt his claws well up with blood, before being flung back down. Managing to land on his paws, he leaped back as it crashed back down onto its paws. Blood gushed from where its right eye was, and Shadowpaw realized with horror that he had blinded the beast. Lionclaw swiped his claws across the animal's nose, before it finally relented and charged away into the forest. Lionclaw and the ginger warrior raced after it, while Shadowpaw stared in shock.
Firepaw flattened her ears, darting to Alderleaf's side. “Alderleaf!” she yowled, staring at him with round eyes.
Alderleaf gazed up at her. “I'm okay,” he rasped. “I'm just a bit winded.”
Pressing her nose into his flank, she laid beside him. Shadowpaw blinked, surprised to see the feisty she-cat so terrified. Sighing with relief that the battle was over, he stared down at the blood glistening his claws. The bushes rustled behind him, and he leaped forward. Fur bristling, he arched his back in a surprised hiss—ready to defend himself from the beast they had just fought. To his relief, Lionclaw and the ginger warrior pushed their way through.
“That badger won't be returning anytime soon,” Lionclaw rumbled, his voice a deep mew. “Foxchaser and I made sure of that.”
Foxchaser nodded. “Alderleaf, Firepaw,” she meowed, approaching the two cats. “Are either of you hurt?”
Alderleaf lifted his head, slowly rising to his paws. “No, just a bit winded from hitting the ground,” he answered.
Firepaw shook her head. “I'm okay too,” she said. “Though I think I may have wrenched my shoulder from being thrown.”
Lionclaw padded over towards Sagepelt, sniffing Timberfall's wounds carefully. “Let's return to camp,” he meowed. “Timberfall needs to see Whispersong, and quickly.”
Foxchaser nodded her agreement, and the rest of the cats quickly made their way up the ravine. Shadowpaw started to follow after them, but was stopped by the LeafClan deputy.
“That was a very reckless thing you did back there,” she growled, her eyes narrowed. “If that badger had turned in time, you would have easily been killed.”
Frowning, Shadowpaw dipped his head. “I-I'm sorry...” he mewed softly. “Firepaw was in trouble, and I-”
“That's enough,” Foxchaser cut him off. “It may have been reckless, but I cannot ignore the fact that you fought bravely. You are new to Clan life, but you still protected your Clanmate like a warrior.”
Shocked by the deputy's praise, he gazed at her with round eyes. “R-Really?” he stammered.
Nodding, Foxchaser turned to follow after the others. “Yes,” she said. “Perhaps Echostar's faith in you was not misplaced after all.”
Warmed by her praise, Shadowpaw followed closely after her. As they returned to camp, Whispersong and Sleetpaw began to assess the wounded cats. Rainpaw emerged from the medicine cat den, his eyes brightening upon seeing the returned cats. Sagepelt met the dark tabby half-way, and the two touched noses in greeting. Foxchaser had went (again, "had gone" or just "went") into Echostar's den, while Alderleaf and Firepaw sat close together under the Highoak. Shifting his paws awkwardly, Shadowpaw wasn't quite sure what he was supposed to do.
“Shadowpaw,” Whispersong greeted, padding up to him. “Were you injured at all?”
Shadowpaw shook his head. “No.”
Dipping his head in acknowledgment, the medicine cat went to check on the others. Deciding it was best not to just sit around, Shadowpaw headed towards the apprentices' den. Exhaustion made his paws heavy, and he noticed just how tired he was from the day's events. Slipping into his nest, he parted his jaws in a wide yawn. Before he could close his eyes to sleep, however, Firepaw's ginger pelt flashed at the entrance. She quietly made her way over to her nest, before turning to look at him.
“Er, thanks for saving me earlier,” she mumbled, almost awkwardly.
Blinking, Shadowpaw nodded. “Oh, uh, you're welcome,” he replied. “Were you hurt at all?”
Firepaw curled up into her nest. “Not really,” she sighed. “Just a bit of a wrenched shoulder is all. Nothing too major.”
“What about Alderleaf?”
“He's fine too. He managed to get away without any scratches.”
Shadowpaw yawned. “Glad to hear it,” he mewed. “You seemed pretty worried.”
“He's my father you know,” Firepaw said. “Of course I'd be worried. He's the only family I have.”
“Really? What about your mother? Or your littermates?” Shadowpaw asked, not really thinking.
Firepaw was quiet for a moment, but just sighed. “Dead,” she answered quietly. “My mother died after giving birth to my littermates and I. My brother and sister were stillborn. I was the only one to live.”
Pity and sadness for the tabby apprentice welled up in Shadowpaw's chest. He lowered his head sympathetically. “I'm so sorry,” he murmured.
Firepaw just shrugged. “It's okay. Alderleaf is a great father, so it doesn't really matter.”
Shadowpaw didn't know what else to say. He just frowned and curled up into a ball. Firepaw did the same, and in only a few moments did Shadowpaw hear the faint sounds of snoring coming from his Clanmate. Casting a glance at her, he couldn't help but admire the strength Firepaw seemed to have despite what she had lost. Sighing, Shadowpaw just wished he could do the same.
NOTES
(disclaimer - since this is only based off of the first few chapters, this might not apply to your whole story so sorry in advance if I mention anything that changes later)
PLOT -- I don't have much to say about this since I only read the beginning, but at the very least the idea isn't overdone and doesn't seem to be moving too quickly (although the badger attack was a tiny bit sudden). I don't know exactly where it's going, which is always a good sign! You want to keep readers guessing.
CHARACTERS -- Overall, your characters seem very well done. They are unique without being unrealistic, and you do a good job of keeping their personalities constant (at least so far). As you'll read more about below, my only advice is to show don't tell. (You do this best with Firepaw. I can tell she's confident and sassy yet good-hearted without anyone saying it. Many of the warriors, however, are described as kind just from Shadow looking at them. Show them DOING something kind instead.
DESCRIPTION -- My number one piece of advice for you is tried but true: SHOW DON'T TELL. Your physical descriptions (setting and appearances of characters) are very good, although a bit close together. But when it comes to personality and thoughts of characters, it's best not to straight up tell the reader that Shadow was curious. Instead, SHOW it in his actions, like "Shadow perked his ears, hoping to take in as much of his surroundings as possible" (crappy example but still). Also, be careful of telling too much of your character's thoughts word for word. It's much more interesting for the reader to interpret a character's feelings based on their actions. (Direct thoughts are okay too, but only in moderation. Now your biggest issue with description: you use a few too many adverbs. (Basically any word ending in "ly", such as quickly or carefully.) Adverbs are great for adding detail, but should really only be used in moderation. You need to leave a little room for interpretation. Also, trust that your readers are intelligent! If your character is creeping along a narrow ledge, you probably don't need to mention that they're doing it carefully. It's implied. Usually, it really is enough to just say "he said" or "she said" too! I would recommend going back through your writing and cutting out a few of your adverbs. I think you'll find that it makes your writing flow better. It's all about finding a balance (all things in moderation!) which really just comes from practice.
MISC -- Your biggest issue overall was commas. (Don't worry though, commas are the hardest part of grammar and most people don't even recognize when they're wrong, so it's not a bad thing to have some struggles with) Most people think commas go wherever you naturally pause but that's not actually true. Let me know if you have any questions/want more specific help with the comma stuff.
Also, as a little side note, it's a little strange to have had only one chapter following Firepaw's POV. I understand why you did it, but it sets up the reader to think Firepaw will be our MC, so it might be good to hear from her here and there throughout the story so that it doesn't seem like you used her POV just to make the "finding Shadow" scene possible (which is fine, but makes the beginning a bit choppy)
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Post by Dewstripe on Jun 27, 2017 10:41:53 GMT -5
bump I guess?
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Post by ѕρσттєɗfυя1093 on Jun 27, 2017 16:38:43 GMT -5
Username: spottedfur1093 Package: Advanced (but anything else is fine if you don't have the time) Length of Request: Two chapters, just the prologue and Ch. 1 Request: Coming Storm (Prologue and Chapter 1) |
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Post by Dewstripe on Jun 27, 2017 19:29:42 GMT -5
Hi!! (:
Thanks for the requests guys, you're added to the waitlist
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Post by Mosspool on Jun 27, 2017 22:01:11 GMT -5
Thanks!
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Post by Dewstripe on Jun 28, 2017 16:35:54 GMT -5
Mosspool -- Here's your advanced edit! I hardly had to correct anything, you've got great grammar. (Also, your story was actually on my TBR list so this worked out perfectly!) Feel free to ask questions if you have any. (Side note: "Clan" is typically capitalized. At least, in the books it is.)
Red = spelling/grammar error
Orange = unnecessary word/punctuation
Yellow = explanation
Green = tense error
Teal = missing word/punctuation
Pink = other
PROLOGUE
It is night when they come. There is an air of silence for the rest of the world as they arrive, howling and clawing like vicious wolves. The leaves of the mighty trees still as if the world is holding its breath until the creatures pass by. Their screeches pierce the air and their claws gouge the dirt. They are monsters and they know it.
Into the forest they go, ducking into den by ("den after den" would make more sense here) den, retreating with a scrap of fur occasionally hanging from their jaws and their paws stained a rusty red. One leads the pack, crimson as blood, head held high, sly and proud.
No one knows where they come from, or when they will make a visit to the rest of the world. They live in solitude, hidden somewhere within the ravaged forest, always watching, always waiting. The creatures are the predators, the rest of the world their prey.
They call themselves pure. They speak of long ago times where winds almost demolished them. They are the survivors, the strongest of the bunch, the victors or the war against nature.
Everywhere they go, a raven follows. It is always close behind, carefully watching. It is unknown if it is their ally or enemy. These creatures are mysteries to us all.
No one knows who they truly are. Stories are simply passed along, sharing the horrifying news when they have been spotted. Everyone only knows one thing.
They are monsters.
CHAPTER ONE
A brown she-cat stood, facing a tumbling waterfall. The forest she was in was beautiful, laden with vibrant trees of different kinds and running brooks and streams. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, yet the sun did not beam down too brightly. Little critters chattered away in the bushes, birds sang as they swooped through the sky, and rabbits bounded away in the distance.
The cat looked down at the soft green grass curling over her white paws. It was unlike anything she had seen before. The only grass she had ever seen before had been burnt and yellow, (flows better as a semicolon or just start a new sentence) it was what remained of the earth after the destructive event that everyone called the Dusting ("the" is typically not capitalized in a title unless it's the start of a sentence). Massive winds had come, destroying homes and killing many. It had been followed by days of flooding until one day they finally ceased, only to be followed by the earth shaking and rumbling. Many had perished in the terrible storms. The she-cat, Lark, had been a lucky survivor.
She had only been a kit when it happened. She could only just (don't need both of these words, only one of them. personally I would get rid of the "only") barely remember the absolute terror that had stricken her tiny body, and the sound of wailing. Her mother had whisked her away from the group of cats that they lived with and brought her somewhere safe - a Twoleg’s nest. There they had been safe, and her mother had told her countless stories of the mighty Clans that had perished in the Dusting. She dreamed of the powerful warriors, wished that she had only gotten the chance to meet them.
Lark was positive that where she now stood was a dream. What grass could be this green and what place could be this beautiful in the real world? It was all too good to be true. And she had no recollection of ever seeing this place before. She was positive now. It had to be a dream.
The bushes suddenly rustled behind her, causing her to jump. Lark turned to see a slender black she-cat, her fur shimmering, weaving her way out of the branches.
“Who are you?” Lark asked, narrowing her amber eyes.
The black cat tipped her head, her green eyes shimmering. “I’m Ravenlily. I’ve come with a message for you.”
“What kind of message?” Lark asked, her voice harsh and grating.
Ravenlily stepped closer. “I know what you’re thinking. You don’t think that I can be trusted. Not everyone is automatically an enemy, Lark.”
Lark rolled her eyes. “You don’t know anything about me,” she said. “I just met you.”
“That’s true, but I can tell. This apocalyptic world that we are living in has made many cautious,” Ravenlily murmured. “Few are quick to trust strangers. But I assure you, you can trust me.”
Lark lashed her tail. “How can you prove that you’re trustworthy?”
“Look around. Do you know this place?” the black cat asked.
Glancing around quickly, Lark shook her head. “So?” she said. “How does that prove anything?”
Ravenlily’s voice was gentle as she responded. “This is a dream, Lark. We’re in StarClan.”
“StarClan doesn’t exist anymore,” Lark protested, narrowing her eyes. “It was destroyed when the Clans were during the Dusting.”
Ravenlily shook her ebony head. “It was never truly gone. We will be around as long as the Clans are.”
“But the Clans are gone!” exclaimed Lark.
Ravenlily tilted her head. “Are they really? If you - a little kit - survived, then why couldn’t they?” she asked.
“So you’re saying that the Clans are still out there?” Lark questioned. “They might not be. You could be lying.” Her voice wavered.
Ravenlily’s gaze remained even, her patience still intact. “Look at my fur,” she said. “I am a StarClan cat. Why would I lie?”
Lark peered closely at the black she-cat’s fur, noticing the tiny specks of stardust scattered throughout.
“I died saving my Clan during the Dusting. I would do anything for them. But now, I fear that they are in danger. I have come for your help,” Ravenlily explained.
Lark frowned. “Okay, I believe you. But why me? How could I help?”
Ravenlily sighed. “You are my last hope. I needed a cat who has no knowledge of what the Clans have become. Their situation is a bit complicated. Not many who know the truth would be so willing to help.”
“Why?” Lark asked. “What’s wrong with them?”
“They have just…” Ravenlily hesitated. “Lost sight of the warrior code.”
Lark closed her eyes for a second, deep in thought. “I’m sorry,” she said finally. "I can’t help you."
Ravenlily’s voice faltered for a split second. “B-but… you are our last hope. Please. Just think about it.”
Lark turned away. “I’ve made up my mind. Just because I believed you, doesn’t mean that I have to help you.”
“Lark. You have to help us,” Ravenlily whispered.
The brown she-cat spun around to face the starry figure. “I don’t know you. I don’t know the Clans. I don’t owe you anything.”
Ravenlily opened her mouth to respond but Lark cut her off, “Don’t say anything. I’m not changing my mind.”
Lark shook her head to clear her mind and bounded away. The bright forest darkened, the green leaves wilting and turning to a muddy brown. The grass yellowed under Lark’s paws, and the chattering of birds stopped abruptly.
She turned to see if Ravenlily was still there, and just saw wisps of smoke dissipating into the air. Only her voice lingered behind, just a murmur, “You will help us.”
Lark plodded through the shriveled forest, trying to figure out what had just happened there. A rustle from the bushes made her jump.
A dirt-streaked figure strode out of the withered trees. Streaks of red gleamed from its muddy pelt and its green eyes glinted in the dim light. It stalked towards Lark, snarling and bared its teeth. Then everything went dark.
CHAPTER TWO
“Lark. Lark, wake up.”
The sleeping cat opened her eyes to see a creamy white she-cat leaning over her, her green eyes just inches from Lark’s face.
She leaped to her feet, snarling, her brown tabby fur sticking up in tufts. “Bliss! What in Silverstreak’s name are you doing?” she spat.
The goofy look that occupied the white cat’s face faded away to be replaced by a look of concern. “Lark, you shouldn’t have said that. What if…” she trailed off.
Lark rolled her eyes. “You’re too superstitious. Calm down! It’s just an old kit’s tale,” she scoffed.
Bliss shook her head. “No, it’s not. My mother told me every night that Silver-… him…the king of the monsters-” she stammered. “-would come me if I ever said his name and rip me to pieces.”
“She was obviously just threatening you!” Lark exclaimed. “I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous. There’s no such thing as monsters. Now calm down and explain why you woke me up.”
Bliss shook her long fur, as it would remove thoughts of the Monster King. “You were mumbling in your sleep,” she said. “I thought you were having a nightmare.”
“I’m fine,” Lark replied. “I had a strange dream, that’s all.”
“Oh really?” Bliss asked, settling herself down on the dusty ground. “What was it about?”
Lark sat down next to her. “Nothing much. There was a strange cat,” she said vaguely, avoiding Bliss’s gaze.
“You can tell me,” Bliss murmured. “I’m your best friend.”
“It’s nothing,” she said, deep in thought. “I don’t remember much anyways.”
Bliss peered at her friend. “Are you sure? You seem a bit off.”
Lark stood up suddenly. “I said it’s nothing!” she snapped.
Bliss’s eyes widened and she shrunk back. “Okay,” was all she said.
Before either cat could say anything else, a dark grey shape pushed its way into the holly bush den they called home.
“Stormy!” Bliss exclaimed.
He dropped a scrawny squirrel onto the forest floor. “Sorry, this is all I could find,” he said, patting it with a white paw.
“It’s more than I could find yesterday,” Bliss reminded him. “I only got a tiny vole, no bigger than one mouthful each.”
“Well, it was a good mouthful,” Stormy said, brushing his tail across her shoulders.
In the corner, Lark rolled her eyes and put her head down on her paws.
Stormy and Bliss sat down to eat. The fluffy white cat glanced over her shoulder. “Lark, come have some,” she invited.
Lark rose to her paws. “No, I’m just going to go out by myself.”
“Are you sure?” Bliss asked, narrowing her eyes in concern.
“Positive,” Lark said, stalking out of the den.
Just as she was leaving, she heard Bliss and Stormy murmuring to each other.
“Is she alright?” That was Stormy.
Bliss’s answer came only a moment later. “I don’t know. Something seems to be bothering her but she won’t tell me anything.”
Lark growled under her breath. She was fine. Wasn’t she?
She knew the strange dream had bothered her a little bit. But that’s all it was. It was just a dream, a strange one but nonetheless a harmless dream.
As she headed out into the dead trees, she tried not to let it bother her too much. At first with hunger gnawing at her stomach, it was easy. But then as she caught a whiff of prey and looked around wildly for it, she spotted a raven perched on a tree branch.
It let out a few caws, an odd sort of song. Its beady eyes were firmly fixed on her, unblinking, unmoving.
Lark turned away, the eerie raven sending shivers up her spine. The few leaves left on the bushes rustled all around her and she spun around trying to see if perhaps Bliss or Stormy decided to follow her.
What she saw instead made her blood run cold. A blood-soaked paw poked out from behind a tree. She noticed instantly that the paw matched the monstrous figure that came after her in her dream.
Before she could see whomever the paw was attached to, Lark fled.
CHAPTER THREE
She was lost. In all of her life, in all of the time that she had lived here in this very forest, Lark had never gotten lost. But here she was, the trees surrounding her, unfamiliar and strange. The sun beamed bright and strong above her, the light blinding her as she stumbled through the woods.
Her coat dripped with blood, brambles and thorns still tangled in her fur. With the speed with which she had fled, Lark wasn’t surprised. She’d dashed through the thickest undergrowth, so desperate to get away from whatever monster lurked in the shadows, that she'd paid no attention to where she was going. For the brave face she usually put on, inside she was a coward.
Lark stopped in the middle of a small clearing, completely out of breath. As she glanced around, she couldn’t stop panting. Her panic rose as she released ("realized"?) that she recognized nothing around her. Where could she be?
When she was only a few moons old, her mother had taken her on a journey around the whole forest. Even though Lark had stumbled every few steps and her legs ached and trembled, she had loved the journey. Her mother had told her that it was so important for her to know her way through the woods.
Lark loved her mother dearly, from her very first memory of milky warmth to her mother’s dying breath as she died peacefully in her sleep. But there was one thing that she couldn’t stand as much as she hated to admit that she disliked anything about her mother. Just like Bliss, Lark’s mother was extremely superstitious.
As she had taken Lark on the journey through the woods, she had sworn that she once saw a hideous monster hidden deep in the trees. That was why she had taken Lark out to learn the forest. She needed to know how to avoid the monsters.
Lark had thought that it was ridiculous. But she loved her mother so she went along with it. She knew that monsters weren’t real. It was just a load of foxdung, created by some worrywart mother somewhere who couldn’t get her kit to sleep. Now she knew she was wrong. There was something out there. And it was determined to get her.
Lark’s stomach grumbled loudly. She really should have taken Bliss’s offer of food. A whiff of mouse drifted by, caught on a breeze, though it was slightly masked by something else - a strange, tangy, metallic scent.
Her hunger outweighed the dangers of following the odd smell, so she stalked off in the direction of the mouse. The smell of the mouse got stronger the further she went into the bushes, but so did the weird stench, at some points overpowering the sweet smell of the mouse.
Still, Lark thought, if there’s something strange going on, she should probably investigate. She crept through the trees until the reek become (since you're writing in past tense, should be "became") overwhelming. Then she saw it.
Sitting just footsteps away from her was the mouse. It had been ripped almost in half and was drenched in blood and some other foul-smelling liquid.
Lark stepped away frantically, gasping, trying in vain to get the hideous stench out of her nose. The smell was making her dizzy, so she shook her head, attempting to clear it.
She stood there for a moment, wondering what the strange smell could be. She had some ideas. When she was a kit, there had been a loner who had stepped in a sticky, green substance. Her mother wouldn’t let her know most of the details, but all she knew for sure was that he’d licked it off, assuming it was harmless. She never saw him again. She'd figured that he had died. The liquid on the mouse smelled a little bit like that.
In her curiosity to figure out the slaughtered mouse situation, Lark didn’t hear the slight rustle of the bushes behind her. She was so close the the mouse that she couldn’t notice the scent of an unknown cat wafting through the air. She stared at the bloody carcass so intently that she didn’t see the claws slashing at her face until the paw was already swinging. And by then, she was too paralyzed in (should be "paralyzed with") fear to move.
Lark tumbled to the ground, blood pouring into her eyes, blinding her. Through the red haze, she could see a brownish red paw swiping at her again so she scrambled out of the way.
Shaking the drops of blood from her face, the brown tabby struggled to her paws. A hulking reddish monster loomed before her, mud and leaves marring his pelt. He looked to be in such rough shape that she wasn’t sure that if she came across him again and he was clean, she’d be able to recognize him.
He growled at her, his teeth dripping blood. A rage filled Lark, as she realized that her mother and Bliss were entirely right about their superstitions. All those times she’d rolled her eyes at her mother or made fun of Bliss started to weigh heavily on her.
With a yowl, she launched herself at the beast. She landed on his back and started tearing at his fur, ripping it with such fury that bare patches of skin started to show. The monster howled in agony, rolling over, nearly smushing (technically not a word, so you could replace it with "smashing" or "squashing", but you don't have to) Lark in the process.
She rolled out of the way swiftly, just narrowly avoiding the crushing weight of the beast. She leaped back to her paws and turned, snarling at the red monster. With a grunt and a shake of his bloody head, he backed away slowly, turning the nearby bushes crimson and muddy.
Lark just stood there, staring in shock at where the monster had disappeared. Now she knew what she had to do... talk to Ravenlily.
NOTES
PLOT -- I don't really have much to say because there isn't much to go off of. The biggest thing is that the story seems to be moving a little bit quickly. I understand wanting to get right into the action, but make sure your readers understand what's going on first. I don't know anything about Lark's life. For example, the reader is never told that Lark even knows about the Clans
CHARACTERS -- Along the same lines, your readers don't really get a chance to get to know your characters before the action begins. Obviously, since the story only started, there's still time to do that, but I would suggest adding to the chapters you already have as well. For instance, I would lengthen Lark's conversation with Bliss a little so that their personalities have more of a chance to come through. if the reader doesn't feel like they know your characters, they are less likely to care what happens to them. (I can see personality peeking through here and there, so I know YOU have a good idea of what your characters are like. Just make sure to share that dimension with your readers!)
DESCRIPTION -- Description is definitely your strength. I honestly don't have any advice other than the usual: show don't tell. Your details about physical description are excellent, but when it comes to the personality of your characters and their relationships, it's often better to hint at things rather than come right out and say it. (This really just takes practice. Other than that keep up the good work!)
MISC -- This doesn't really have anything to do with the story, but I also suggest you make the spacing consistent for all of your chapters so that it flows a little better. Also, do something to the chapter titles so that they stand out a little more (even if that just means bolding them or making the font size a little bigger. Obvious separation will make your page look neater.)
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Post by Mosspool on Jun 28, 2017 21:19:12 GMT -5
Thank you so much for the edit and feedback!!
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Post by Dewstripe on Jun 30, 2017 14:21:59 GMT -5
ѕρσттєɗfυя1093 -- Sorry for the wait, here's your edit! Although it's technically advanced, I didn't have much to say based on just two chapters, sorry about that. There wasn't much that needed fixing, but let me know if you have any questions!
Red = spelling/grammar error
Orange = unnecessary word/punctuation
Yellow = explanation
Green = tense error
Teal = missing word/punctuation
Pink = other
PROLOGUE
"Roseheart's kitting!"
Brightflower sleepily clawed at her herbs. "What?"
"Roseheart's kits are coming!"
All drowsiness gone from her, Brightflower leapt up from her nest. "I'm coming!" She prodded Ashpaw harshly. "Ashpaw, wake up," she hissed. (when dialogue is split by the descriptor ("he said" or "she said") you start a new sentence, so it should be a period, not a comma) "Roseheart is kitting. Bring water."
"Huh-?" But she was already gone, sniffing at herbs in the pitch black darkness.
Brightflower picked up a bundle of herbs and ran out of the medicine cat den towards the nursery. "Now isn't a good time to be kitting," she mewed as soon as she reached Roseheart's side. "It's the middle of the night, and it's rainy and stormy."
"Yes," Roseheart replied, hissing slightly. "Any time to be kitting is a bad time."
Brightflower felt something crash into her from behind. "Fox dung," she muttered as she was knocked face first into her herbs. "Ashpaw!"
"Sorry!" her apprentice yelped. "I can't see, it's so dark!"
"It's alright," said Brightflower, slightly annoyed. "Did you bring water?"
"Yeah," said Ashpaw. Brightflower assumed that he was poking at a wad of wet moss no one could see.
"Okay, Roseheart," she said gently, now focusing on the queen. "I need you to push, okay?"
"It- hurts-"
"Shall I fetch her a branch?" Leafpelt asked from a corner of the nursery.
"Yes, please," said Ashpaw before Brightflower could say anything. "Thank you, Leafpelt."
He'll be a great medicine cat one day.
"Just push as hard as you can," Brightflower murmured to Roseheart. "Leafpelt will come with a branch you can bite on, okay?"
"O-okay- IT HURTS!"
"Roseheart?" Applestar's unmistakeable voice cut through the silence following Roseheart's pained yowl. "Is everything alright?"
"She's kitting," said Brightflower. "And in pain."
"Do you want me to get Hawkstrike?" Applestar asked Roseheart.
"Yes- please- thank you, Applestar." Roseheart hissed in pain.
"Bite on this," meowed Leafpelt, who had just re-entered the nursery. "It will help you with the pain."
Roseheart clamped her jaws on the branch so hard that a crack was heard throughout the ThunderClan camp as it split in half. The medicine cat sighed and placed her paw on Roseheart's stomach.
"The kit's coming," Brightflower said suddenly. "It's coming. Push, Roseheart, push-"
Several moments later...
"Come on, Hawkstrike," Brightflower purred. "Come and meet your new kit."
Hawkstrike gazed at the little ball of fur lying next to Roseheart. "He looks just like you."
"He has your green eyes."
"What shall we name him, then?" asked Hawkstrike.
Roseheart paused for a moment, then said, "Stormkit."
"Of course," Hawkstrike said wryly. "Stormkit."
CHAPTER ONE
"Stormkit," Barkkit begged. "Will you teach me to hunt?"
Stormkit gave Barkkit an exasperated glance. "I don't know how to hunt. I'm not an apprentice yet!"
"But you're older than me, so you should know!"
"I'm older than you by less than a moon!" Stormkit was getting annoyed now. Barkkit must have been hanging around him since sunhigh and now it was almost sundown. "Go and bother Leafpelt, will you?"
Barkkit's tail drooped as he walked away. He mumbled something, but Stormkit caught exactly what he said. "You don't have to be so rude to me all the time, do you?"
"Hello!" a voice mewed behind Stormkit. He turned around to see his father, Hawkstrike. "How's my kit doing?"
"Fine," Stormkit muttered.
"What's wrong?" Hawkstrike sounded slightly concerned now. "What happened?"
"Nothing," said Stormkit. "Barkkit was being annoying."
Hawkstrike's gaze hardened, just the tiniest bit. He seemed to know exactly what was going on. "Stormkit," he meowed sternly. "Barkkit is a kit, just like you. He has plenty of reason to be curious and ask questions, doesn't he?"
"I guess," mumbled Stormkit, a bit embarrassed. His father was the deputy, after all, and he wanted to live up to his expectations. "I- I guess I'll go play with Ashpaw now, I think he's done working-"
"Brightflower!" a voice yowled. "Brightflower! Applestar's been attacked by a badger by the old Thunderpath!"
There was a silence in the camp for a split second.
Then warriors and apprentices were sprinting towards the camp entrance, Brightflower running behind them, Ashpaw right next to her, with a bundle of herbs.
Dustblaze entered the camp, panting. "Water," he mewed hoarsely, flopping down on the ground. "I need water!"
Stormkit saw Snakeclaw walk into the clearing. "Here," said the elder, dropping a pile of wet moss by Dustblaze's mouth.
"Thank you, Snakeclaw," Dustblaze whispered as he drank greedily from the moss.
"What happened?" Leafpelt asked, poking her head out of the nursery.
"Applestar and I were hunting," Dustblaze explained. "And then, out of nowhere, a big female badger just attacked us." He took a deep breath. "It's ("It's" = "it is" you mean the possessive word "its." common mistake) claws pierced Applestar's neck, and I fought it off of her - and I ran to get help - but it was so bad, I think she'll lose a life."
The camp was silent. "I certainly hope not," said Snakeclaw, voicing what was on everyone's mind.
Just then, a quiet procession of warriors, apprentices, and a medicine cat entered camp. Two warriors were dragging a lifeless body between them.
"That was Applestar's last life," Brightflower mewed softly, "I couldn't save her. She's gone now."
All the cats bowed their heads in grief. "She was a good leader," said Streamheart.
"No," said Grayfur, correcting her. "a great one."
"ThunderClan!" a voice boomed from the Highledge. Stormkit turned around to see Hawkstrike addressing the Clan. "Applestar was a great leader, perhaps one of the best ThunderClan has ever had," began Hawkstrike, "and we will all mourn for her. But we must stay strong and move on, yet always remember her. Tomorrow I will go to the Moonpool and receive my nine lives."
NOTES
PLOT -- Sorry but I don't have any comments on this seeing as nothing has really happened yet.
CHARACTERS -- Again, nothing really to say yet. You've introduced a lot of characters but we've yet to really get to know any of them.
DESCRIPTION -- Your writing, generally speaking, is actually quite good, but you are lacking a little in the description category. You need to "set the scene" for your readers. Most importantly, describe your characters! The only thing I know is that Stormkit and Hawkstrike have green eyes. You never mention what anyone looks like, so it's a little hard to picture. You also need to describe the surroundings - the sights, the sounds, the smells - so that readers can picture the world you're creating. Here's a specific example of how you could improve this: in your prologue, Brightflower tells us that it's raining. But as the writer, you also need to SHOW this. Describe the lightning streaking across the sky as she makes her way to the nursery, or the thunder shaking the den, or the rain pelting the den, or any number of things to bring the storm to life a little bit.
MISC -- Overall this is a good start! Your first chapter is a little on the short side, but that's not a huge deal. I do have a suggestion for your prologue: (you don't have to do this, just a suggestion!) Prologues are typically used to ease the reader into the story. To make it more of a transition, don't start off by using character names when they haven't been introduced! Instead, use their physical descriptions in place of their name until another character has said it. This makes the reader pay more attention and slowly make sense of the story, and also makes it easy to add more description. Here's an example of what I mean: (idk if this is what the characters look like, I just made up descriptions for the example. The descriptions don't have to be detailed, just give the reader a general idea of what they're seeing!)
"Roseheart's kitting!"
A ginger tabby she-cat sleepily clawed at her herbs. "What?"
"Roseheart's kits are coming!"
All drowsiness gone from her, the she-cat leapt up from her nest. "I'm coming!" She prodded a small gray tom, who'd been sleeping beside her, harshly. "Ashpaw, wake up," she hissed. "Roseheart is kitting. Bring water."
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Post by ѕρσттєɗfυя1093 on Jun 30, 2017 16:13:08 GMT -5
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Post by Dewstripe on Jul 5, 2017 11:29:55 GMT -5
working on a new package, not sure how I feel about it yet
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Post by Dewstripe on Jul 6, 2017 15:18:02 GMT -5
Added to the waitlist! Might take a little while thanks to the BBFC and assorted other things but I'll try to get to it soon
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Post by Headphone Actor on Jul 6, 2017 15:59:57 GMT -5
That's fine, Dewstripe ! Take your time! |
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Post by Dewstripe on Jul 13, 2017 16:01:20 GMT -5
Headphone Actor -- sorry for the wait, finally finished your advanced edit! There were hardly any errors, so sorry I didn't have much help to give ^^' I actually had a lot of fun reading through this again, can't wait to see what you have in store for Abelard next!
Red = spelling/grammar error
Orange = unnecessary word/punctuation
Yellow = explanation
Green = tense error
Teal = missing word/punctuation
Pink = other
PROLOGUE
"Hey now, it's time to get up!"
Abelard's human had always teased him about how talkative he was, and how his meow could wake just about anything. This skill didn't seem quite so effective in practice, however, and as the kitten's voice raised in pitch, the woman continued to slumber. Abelard kneaded his paws into the covering over the bed, hearing his sharp claws rip into the soft material with a wonderful, satisfying sound. His human got upset whenever he did this, for whatever reason, so perhaps the sound would rouse her from her impressively deep slumber?
No dice.
"Hey! Wake up! It's breakfast time!" His voice continuing to raise ever louder, the kitten scrambled up the side of her bed to investigate. Perhaps she was playing a trick on him? Yes, that would explain it. He'd come up here, sniff her, and she'd start chuckling about how nosy he was being. Abelard has almost convinced himself of this fact, until he ducked forward to sniff at her hair, as grey (this is the British English spelling. Seeing as you use American English spelling for other 'disputed' words, I would personally recommend changing this to "gray" to be consistent, but it's really up to you since this technically isn't incorrect) as he was. The scent made him stop cold, though. He didn't recognize it, but it was quickly overtaking his human's own smell, and it caused the hairs on his spine to rise in...was that fear? Why was he so frightened?
Perhaps she'd wake up if he warmed her? He was allowed on the bed on cold nights, purring and warming his human until they both fell asleep. The young tomcat crawled under the blanket, trying to ignore the fact that the smell was stronger here, and pressed his thick grey fur up against her cold skin. He must have stayed this way for hours, it seemed, because he'd dozed back off.
When he awoke, the smell was unbearably strong, and his heat had done nothing to warm his owner. This wasn't what had woken him up, though. The kitten had been startled awake by the sound of the door slamming from downstairs, in the front hall. He registered the familiar voice of his human's kit, and put at ease by the sign of something that made sense, he leapt from the bed with a small thump.
"We're up here!" He howled, making enough racket to hopefully guide the man upstairs. "Come help me wake her up!" Abelard and the old woman's kit had never really seen eye to eye, but surely he could be a trusted ally when it came to waking his mother? "She's up here!" Continuing with his din, the kitten started to knock things over, and he was relieved to hear the loud thumps that preceded the man arriving upstairs. When he came in through the bedroom door, Abelard meowed a plaintive greeting to the man, before he tried to guide him to the bed.
Instead, he was greeted by another sharp, unpleasant smell (he recognized this one, the man was scared too) and an even sharper kick through the doorway by the man's boot. The man stayed there for a while, first speaking on (may sound better to say "speaking into"? again not technically incorrect) the little box he always carried with him, and then picking Abelard up. He said something that he couldn't quite understand, and carried him outside.
This was perhaps the longest time Abelard had been held by the man-kit, and he was completely oblivious of being carried deeper into the forest nearby until he had been set down. The man turned and ran off without a second thought, leaving the kitten well and truly alone.
Abelard sat there for what felt like ages, and the sun climbed higher and higher into the sky, before it started to sink again. It suddenly occurred to the young kittypet that maybe he wasn't going to be picked up again, and he took it upon himself to try to find his own way home. How hard could it be? The fluffy grey kitten wandered for hours, sticks being (I personally think "getting" would sound better) tangled into his long fur, and his paws becoming soaked (much to his displeasure) in some sort of marshy area. This clearly wasn't anywhere near where he lived, (should actually be a semicolon ; ) he'd never seen this area before. He prepared to turn back around and wait at the spot where he'd been dropped off, but before he could get more than a couple of pawsteps, a heavy weight fell upon his back.
"It looks like we have an intruder!"
CHAPTER ONE
Abelard hardly had time to think before he'd been crushed by a heavier weight. Strong paws pummeled into his back over and over, which knocked the air out of the poor kitten. It was when claws began tearing into his flanks that he finally took action, and he attempted to wriggle out from under his assailant. Perhaps his attacker wasn't expecting retaliation, or maybe he was released out of pity? However, Abelard freed himself, and instead of running, turned to face the cat that had jumped on him out of nowhere. He could feel fur torn up in clumps along his sides, and they stung horribly. But even though he wasn't used to this painful feeling, he couldn't allow himself to run. After all, he had nowhere to run, right?
When Abelard turned, he was met with the sight of another kitten, just like him. Well...not just like him. While his opponent was leaner and mean-looking, he was quite a bit bigger than the young brown tabby. The tom bared his teeth at Abelard, and the kitten flinched back, surprised by this aggressive display.
"What's the big idea, attacking me like tha- YOWWWWW!" Abelard's opponent wasn't in the mood for conversation, and the furry grey kittypet was subjected once more to the stranger's teeth and claws. This time, though, he was able to see the attack, and actually made an attempt to fight back. Abelard raked his claws down the brown tom's nose, which caused the aggressive cat to back off for a second. The brown tom stepped back to shake off some of the blood dripping down his nose, but Abelard wasn't letting himself get pummeled again.
With what he hoped sounded like a fierce screech, he charged blindly forward into the other tom, ready to make this unfriendly cat go away. It appeared that the other tom had more experience fighting than Abelard, though, because he easily sidestepped the clumsy young cat, bundling him away as if he were a troublesome kit and not actually much of a threat.
The fighting continued for quite some time, normally with the brown tom having the upper hand in their battle, but with Abelard getting a few solid hits in. He was far from a natural fighter, but he'd become so angry and in pain that he was fighting with what he had. This had been a long, terrible day. Abelard was tired, hungry, lonely, and confused. This horrible cat coming to bully him was just the event that seemed to have pushed the young cat over the edge. He gave a furious yowl, and was about to fasten his teeth into the brown tom's shoulder, when all of a sudden he was bowled off of the other cat.
"Marshpaw, that's enough." As Abelard wheeled around, his back arched defensively and a hiss building up in his throat, he came face to face with the speaker. The silver she-cat gave Abelard a searching look before she pinned her pale blue eyes back onto the young brown tomcat. "If you used your nose as well as you did your claws, you would realize that this is a kittypet. Not an enemy warrior here to steal prey." Abelard shrank back at the sharpness of her voice. Even though she was defending him, (he thought, anyway) Marshpaw's claws had nothing on the tone she was speaking in. He tried his best to hold eye contact when her gaze fell upon him once more, attempting to not look even weaker in front of these muscular, battle hungry cats.
"You weren't stealing prey, were you kittypet?" It was a simple question, thankfully, even if Abelard wasn't entirely sure what a kittypet was. He shook his head numbly, trying to find his tongue before he attempted to give her a better answer. It was weird how, with talking to these cats, that he tried to tense his muscles like he was about to fight again. In his defense, though, he didn't know if they would attack him again.
However, his answer seemed to appease the silver she-cat. "That settles it, then. Go home to your housefolk, and don't wander this way again." She seemed to believe that this was the end of the conversation and turned, beckoning her tail towards Marshpaw. "Let's go, Marshpaw. We need to regroup with Blackstream and Berrypaw." She directed, before padding briskly in the opposite direction. Cowed, the brown tabby tom didn't give more than a nod in response before following the much older cat.
"W-Wait!" Abelard took off after the two, boldened slightly by the fact that he hadn't been hurt worse than he already was. "Wait!" He continued following the two wild cats until they turned around to face him once more, surprise on the silver she-cat's face. "I don't...I don't have housefolk. Not anymore." He admitted sheepishly, his heart hammering from fear, and from many kinds of fear. He was terrified of being left alone - it was getting dark outside - but he was also terrified that these cats were going to eat him for dinner or something. "Can I please...please come with you?" Abelard pleaded, his pale green eyes huge with worry. "I won't steal anything, promise! I just can't..." The kitten trailed off, staring at his paws.
Something seemed to have softened in the silver she-cat's voice when she spoke next, even though she kept a crisp, level tone. Some of the ice that crept along the edges appeared to have thawed slightly. "We can see what Ripplestar has to say about you staying."
"Wow, really?!"
"Brightfrost, he's a kittypet!"
Abelard and Marshpaw appeared to have spoken at the same time, the grey tom's eyes widened in hope, and the brown tom's eyes widened in shock. Both hardly dared to breathe as they waited for Brightfrost to answer.
"He's a kittypet, Marshpaw, but he's also heavily injured and alone." (comma) she reasoned to the brown kitten, before looking at Abelard. "Ripplestar is our leader. He'll be the one to judge whether or not you can stay, but perhaps he'll let you stay until you're healed. I wouldn't expect a full place in the Clan, but I highly doubt he'll leave a cat to die." (comma) Brightfrost clarified, shaking her head. "He's strict, but he's fair."
"But keep up, kittypet. I mean it when I say we need to catch up to that patrol."
CHAPTER TWO
Abelard found that, while these cats had allowed him to tag along, that didn't mean that they were going to go easy on him, either. His haunches still smarted from his scuffle with Marshpaw, and the feeling only intensified as he struggled to keep up with the swift pace of the two wild cats. He was also exhausted, and felt like the events of this morning had happened ages ago, even though he was keenly aware that it had only been a day. The young tom refused to show any signs of weakness, though, and instead, he sped up every time Marshpaw did. He and the other tom had fallen into step behind Brightfrost, who seemed wholly intent on finding these other cats. Whenever he asked a question, he only received a vague answer, but she hadn't completely shut him down yet, which he supposed was a good sign.
"Where do you all live?" Was the first of his numerous questions, panted out in between breaths as he struggled to keep pace. "Who are the other two we're looking for?" This also seemed to be a relevant question to Abelard, as he wanted to know everything about the cats who had first attacked him, then promised to help him. "How do you know where to go to find them? Did they say where they were going to be?"
"We live in an area between two rivers, you'll see when we get there." (should be a comma) Brightfrost responded, not even slightly out of breath by the brisk pace she had set for the trio. "We're meeting up with Blackriver and his apprentice, Berrypaw. I know where they are because we were patrolling a designated area, and it's well past time for the patrol to be finished, but they promised to wait until we caught up." She continued.
The questions continued on like this for some time, Abelard asking one question after another about the lives of the clan cats. What was an apprentice? How did these cats get their names? Would he get a name like that if he lived with them? What was a patrol? On and on, with the warrior giving short responses that only seemed to sprout more questions.
"Brightfrost! Marshpaw!" They were along the shoreline of the lake when they finally came across the cats they had been looking for. Abelard peered at the newcomers from behind Brightfrost, his ears perked to catch all of this conversation. While he wasn't exactly sure, he figured that Blackstream was the bigger cat, a long-legged tom with silky black fur and amber eyes. Since the she-cat that arrived with the tom looked to be around Marshpaw's age, he assumed that she was Berrypaw. She shared Marshpaw's dark tabby fur, but her throat and paws were white. Littermates, maybe? Abelard focused on the conversation once more, returning to Blackstream giving Brightfrost a report.
"It seems like ShadowClan are marking their borders more aggressively, although I'm not entirely sure what they think that will do to fix the problem." A sigh came from the black tomcat, and instead, he turned his head towards Abelard. "So the intruder was a kittypet after all, then? We were close to the Horseplace." The grey kitten ducked his head awkwardly, feeling the burning stares of the two cats on him, watching him.
"He is a kittypet with no Twolegs to return to, so we're bringing him to Ripplestar. We'll see if we can get him healed up, and then send him on his way, unless he wants to stay with us." * This brought on a disgusted look from Marshpaw. "Brightfrost! He's a kittypet! There's no way he can stay in RiverClan!"
^ this paragraph is confusing, it's hard to tell who is speaking when. an easy fix would be starting a new paragraph where I put the red star, assuming it isn't the same person speaking the whole time
"That's for Ripplestar to decide, Marshpaw. Your biggest concern should be obeying your elders. Your mentor, specifically." Though Blackstream's tone was stern, Abelard could see the tom's whiskers twitching in amusement. "Brightfrost and I will ask Ripplestar and Stormbrook, and they'll be the ones making the decision."
This seemed to quiet Marshpaw, and he gave a respectful dip of his head towards Blackstream and Brightfrost. "Alright then." He conceded, and it appeared that he had realized that this point wasn't something he could argue against here and now.
"Right then!" Blackstream continued brightly, as if everything was normal. Was everything normal, Abelard wondered? Did these cats pick up lost housecats often? "Let's be back off to camp. Are you fit to walk further, kittypet?" While Abelard wasn't sure if the word 'kittypet' was very nice, the tom's voice seemed friendly enough.
"If he's not, then we're going to be stuck out here for a while as he rests." (again, comma) Brightfrost warned, with another quick glance around their surroundings. She seemed rather relieved when Abelard nodded, not wanting to bother these cats when they could always leave him out here in the dark. Being agreeable appeared to be the better option here. The growing party of cats made their way back in the direction that he, Brightfrost, and Marshpaw had come from then, and Abelard found himself growing more and more excited to see this home between the rivers,
CHAPTER THREE
At long last, the group made it to a river, one that Abelard had failed to even notice before. Had they crossed a river during their search for the others? He didn't believe that they had. Regardless, the group stood before a river now, and he was mortified to see that Brightfrost had already slipped into the strong current. The dark grey kitten (you call him "the gray kitten" a lot. you're better off saying his name more freuqnetly then describing him over and over) watched with bated breath as the silver she-cat struck out for the far shore. It seemed his concern was misplaced, however, because Brightfrost paddled strongly towards the other side, only to emerge a few heartbeats later on the far shore. Berrypaw followed suit, and Marshpaw must have scented his fear, because when the brown tom approached the shore, he shot Abelard a haughty, self-assured look, and it didn't take either of the other two kittens too long to reach the bank on the far side, even though they weren't quite as swift as the older cat.
"Should he take the stepping stones, Blackstream?" Brightfrost called, and her wide paws scattered some of the smooth pebbles on the shoreline. Her concern (was it concern?) warmed Abelard, but then the loud snicker that came from Marshpaw chilled the appreciation. Did he see Berrypaw twitch her whiskers in silent laughter, too? The tall black warrior had been about to respond, but before he could, the kitten had already made up his mind.
Desperate to prove himself, Abelard made his way to the water, his muzzle held high in an attempt to look a lot more confident than he actually was. As the freezing water lapped hungrily at his paws, the kitten struggled with the urge to pull them out. Marshpaw's superior look haunted his thoughts, though, and he steeled himself against the task. That cat would never let him live it down if he backed out now, so he became dedicated to the task. His paws suddenly couldn't feel the bottom of the river anymore, and he panicked. His paws churned the choppy surface of the water, although no traction was gained by his movements, and thus he continued to be carried along by the swift current. Like the water that raged around him, Abelard's own thoughts were tumbled and incoherent. Just as he had begun to think he wouldn't ever make it out of this river, a strong pair of jaws fastened around his scruff, and he was tugged towards the shore. As he crouched there on the smooth pebbles, thankful to be on dry land once more, he heard Blackstream's voice.
"Sometimes, Abelard, it's better to know your limits and heed them instead of challenging them. There is a time and place to test yourself, and that's not at every single obstacle that comes your way." (comma) The black tom chided, although there was a hint of amusement in his meow that suggested he approved of the former kittypet's decision. Abelard crouched there for a good length of time and his sides heaved with the effort of regaining his breath. The other four cats waited for him, mostly silent. Finally, once his breath had evened out, the patrol made it's (should be "its") way once more towards the camp. Abelard could smell it now. Nothing specific, just a large group of cats that shared the same slightly fishy scent as his new friends. He could count them as new friends, right? As he made his way through a hole in a wall made of brambles, the grey kitten's eyes grew huge, and it took a gentle nudge from Brightfrost to get him moving again.
"This, kittypet, is RiverClan's camp." the silver she-cat introduced with a small wave of her tail. "I'll speak with Ripplestar, and he'll come to a decision with our deputy, Stormbrook." Brightfrost kept going with her explanation and added, "The Clan deputy, in this case, Stormbrook, is the second in command to our leader, and assists them with making decisions and organizing the warriors, like Blackstream and I." Afterwards, she turned her head towards Berrypaw and Marshpaw. "You two may as well head to the apprentices' (it's the den belonging to apprentices plural, so need the possessive apostrophe) den, you've earned a little rest from that patrol. Marshpaw? You might want to see Alderstripe about those scratches you received earlier." After her orders were followed, Brightfrost turned back towards Blackstream and Abelard. "Let's speak to Ripplestar, then."
Ripplestar's den, as it turned out, was another cluster of bramble bushes. Abelard briefly wondered why these cats lived outside in bushes, when they could just as easily live with some housefolk or something. However, the way they called him a 'kittypet' made it appear that they thought very little of his former lifestyle. Before he could open his mouth and ask, though, they were called inside.
For all the thoughts Abelard had about living in a bush, he had to admit that the inside of Ripplestar's bush den was spectacular. Smooth stones of pleasing colors lined the edges, and his mossy nest was mixed with brightly colored feathers. The light shimmered on peculiar items, some of which the kittypet vaguely recognized from his life with his human. Even more impressive still were the two cats that they found in the den. The first cat that Abelard had noticed was a burly tom with long, sand-colored fur, and a smaller, more compact she-cat with light blue fur and numerous scars. "You wished to speak to us, Brightfrost?" A rumbling voice came from the tawny colored tom, while the blue queen kept her eyes on the three cats, not a muscle moving.
Brightfrost dipped her head respectfully, before she looked back up to meet the tom's eyes. "Yes, Ripplestar." she responded. Abelard wondered how she remained so calm, especially when there was such an aura of authority that "raidiated ("radiated") from the leader. He found himself incapable of holding his gaze, and instead busied himself with studying the trinkets in the den, his ears tensed and focused on the conversation nevertheless. Ripplestar must have given her a sign that she could continue, because the warrior bravely carried on. "On our patrol, Blackstream, Berrypaw, Marshpaw, and I saw more signs of the dogs that have taken up living around the lake. Killed prey, dirt, and crushed undergrowth. While we were out, Marshpaw encountered an intruder and attacked him. The intruder turned out to be a mere kittypet who has lost his Twolegs, and he was far too injured to last the night alone, so we brought him back here to ask your permission for him to take shelter here until he heals. He isn't a Clan cat, but there is still the matter of leaving a cat, hardly more than a kit, alone to starve and die." After she finished the report, she dipped her head again, signifying that she was finished speaking.
"I see." Abelard felt the tom's dark copper eyes fix on him now, and he studied his paws. "It is unlike RiverClan to take in kittypets. We're not ThunderClan, after all. But it is a warrior's duty to show mercy to those that aren't a threat to the clan." he mused, and his feathered tail twitched just within the range of the kitten's sight.
"Blackstream, what do you think of him?" The she-cat, who Abelard assumed was Stormbrook, finally spoke, Unlike Ripplestar, her voice was quiet, just as still as the rest of her. She reminded the grey kitten of the statues that his human used to have, figures carved from rock that never moved.
The black tom, quite possibly the youngest cat in the room apart from himself, Abelard noticed, widened his eyes when Stormbrook questioned him. It took him a moment to respond, as if he were either gathering his thoughts, or deciding whether or not the deputy was actually asking his opinion on something, "He managed to land a few solid hits on Marshpaw, despite his lack of training or skill. He didn't complain about his injuries on the way to camp, and even kept up reasonably well. As you can tell..." The tom's whiskers twitched, as if he held back laughter. "...he also tried to take a swim into camp, despite Brightfrost offering to lead him across the stepping stones." Abelard warmed slightly at the kind tone that Blackstream had taken, which was much more inviting than Brightfrost's brisk and snappy words, or Stormbrook's cool, calm voice. Had he made a friend after all? "I think that he should at least be given a chance, Ripplestar, Stormbrook."
Ripplestar nodded, his dark eyes considering the young warrior's words. There was a tense energy in the air, something that Abelard likened to the air before a storm. Finally, the tension broke as the leader gave his verdict. "I have decided he may stay until he's been healed. He can stay in the medicine den with Alderstripe until his wounds are completely healed, and we can take it up with the clan and the kittypet himself on whether he may stay longer than that."
"Th-thank you, Ripplestar!" Abelard could hardly believe he was allowed to stay. From Marshpaw's scorn and Berrypaw's careful distance from him on the way back, he had assumed that they were the rule, not the exception. But perhaps this RiverClan could be a home for him after all? He had never considered being a wild cat before, and he hadn't even heard of them before today. But he knew his former human's son wouldn't take him in, and there weren't any humans in that area that wanted another cat anyway.
The sandy tabby nodded his broad head as he acknowledged Abelard's gratitude. "I wish for you to show your gratitude in your actions." he informed the kitten, who cocked his head in confusion. "While you are staying here, you will take on minor apprentice duties. You'll help Alderstripe sort herbs, you'll change the bedding for the queens and elders, you'll bring them fresh-kill from the pile, and you'll check them for fleas and ticks." After the regal tom gave his instructions, he added. (comma) "But Alderstripe and the apprentices can show you how to do that tomorrow. Tonight, you are to get those scratches looked at and get some rest." He flicked his tail in dismissal, and the three cats exited Ripplestar's den.
"I'm going to speak to some of the other warriors, Blackstream, I trust you can take Abelard to Alderstripe's den? Stormbrook wishes for me to take out a patrol at dawn to hunt." With that, Brightfrost left the two alone, and Blackstream tried to look encouraging for the kitten.
"Well, let's go meet Alderstripe, shall we?"
CHAPTER FOUR
"Alderstripe! Alderstriipe!" Blackstream stuck his head into the next den, another bramble thicket. Of course, when the island was mostly covered in the stuff, Abelard supposed that it made sense to build all of the structures from it. They'd never run out, after all. While the long-legged black tom searched the camp for what he explained was the 'medicine cat', Abelard took the time to look around at the camp that surrounded them. It was certainly a busy place, even when he considered that night was just around the corner. Cats of several sizes and colors bustled around as they patched holes in the dens with reeds and brambles, entered and exited through the entrance, with many of the returning cats dropping off or picking up prey from a pile. Kittens, even younger than he was, tumbled around and squealed as they played with one another, watched carefully by a small group of she-cats that must have been their mothers. Then Abelard caught the eyes of a group of old cats that lounged at the riverside. Embarrassed, the kitten's eyes returned to Blackstream, who continued to call into the den for the medicine cat.
"Stop your yowlin', I'm here." A voice sounded from inside the den, and shortly after, a thin tom exited the den, pale brown fur rumpled. Despite his disheveled appearance, The kitten could see that his eyes were sharp as a claw, and after Abelard was given a searching gaze with those keen orange eyes, Alderstripe spoke again. "Why is there an injured kittypet hanging halfway into my den?" Before Blackstream could answer, the old tom swung back around and padded back into the den. "Well come on then, don't block the entrance, staring like a bunch of newborn kits. You've been in here often enough, Blackstream, and I'm expecting to see a lot of you too, kittypet. Might as well get used to how things run around here."
In spite of the medicine cat's harsh demeanor, Abelard saw the black warrior beside him bite down a purr of laughter. Nothing much appeared to phase the young tom, apart from whatever business he'd been discussing with Brightfrost before, and when he lectured Marshpaw before. He gave Abelard an encouraging flick with the tip of his tail, before he made his way into the den. Encouraged to follow him, the grey kitten ducked into the bramble den. He noticed it was cool in here, the air laced with scents that made him want to sneeze. He pawed at his nose to halt the sensation, before sitting down next to Blackstream's side.
The young warrior filled in the medicine cat on the events of the day, before he informed him of Ripplestar's instructions. Alderstripe nodded, his ears trained on Blackstream as he gathered leaves from around the den. Once he had gathered what he needed, he returned to Abelard's side, his mouth full of the leaves. He chewed as Blackstream continued, and finally spat out the poultice, his paws pressing it firmly to each of the cuts in turn. Abelard tensed, and the sting from the juices nearly took his breath away. However, the bite began to ebb away, and relief washed over him instead.
"What's your name, kittypet?" Alderstripe finally asked at the end of the story. He pressed a few cobwebs into the wounds, making sure that they were packed in tight before he stepped back. Abelard looked towards Blackstream, only for the medicine cat's voice to cut the silence again. "I didn't ask Blackstream, I asked you. If you don't tell me, I'll personally request that your name is changed to Blackshadow, since you're expecting him to do everything for you." He interrupted tersely, and His long tail twitched in irritation.
Taken aback, Abelard swallowed back a stammer. He had a feeling that if he messed up saying his name, this cat would call him the botched name for as long as he could. "Abelard." he finally answered clearly. "My name is Abelard." He was very aware of how bizarre his own name suddenly sounded, after a single day with these cats.
Alderstripe nodded, satisfied with that answer. "I'm guessing that those claw marks on Marshpaw were your doing?" Abelard wasn't sure how to react. Was he mad about it? Happy? Bewildered, the kitten took his chances and nodded. The old medicine cat chuckled, and Abelard relaxed a little. "I can't say that Marshpaw deserved those wounds, but you showed courage, standing up to him. Maybe that'll give him an idea."
Abelard noticed that Blackstream had given the medicine cat a surprisingly harsh look, his copper eyes narrowed in warning. This led to a snort from Alderstripe, but before the grey kitten could ask what that was all about, the brown apprentice entered the den, his jaws clamped around a large fish. After he set it down, he spoke. "I brought something for you, Alderstripe. Kittypet." He didn't sound to ("too") enthusiastic about it, but Abelard was suddenly reminded of his snarling stomach, and felt a flood of gratitude towards the other tom.
"Thanks, Marshpaw!" Abelard took a step forward, even the strange scents of the fish smelled delicious to him at this point. Maybe he and Marshpaw could be friends after all? The tabby apprentice didn't have to bring him anything to eat, after all, and it seemed like it was kind of him to think of the elderly medicine cat, too. His opinion of the surly cat rose. Maybe earlier, he'd just caught him at a bad time. "You didn't have t-"
"Whatever." Marshpaw cut him off, and it seemed like he didn't want to spend too much time around the medicine den. "The warrior code says that I need to feed the clan before I feed myself, and if Ripplestar's decided to shelter you for a few days, you're my responsibility too." He explained gruffly, and Abelard felt his heart fall slightly. Maybe if he apologized later, they could start over? Instead, he nodded numbly. "Meet me and the others at the apprentice's den at sunrise. We're supposed to show you the best places to get moss and reeds, for the nests." With that, he turned and exited the den with no more than a respectful nod towards Blackstream and Alderstripe.
"I should probably talk to him." Blackstream awkwardly broke the silence, his eyes on the exit of the den, where his apprentice had been heartbeats before. "He needs to know what we're doing for training tomorrow, and I'll see that he's not in too much pain." The black warrior gave Abelard an encouraging nudge with his shoulder, and a fond blink towards Alderstripe before he, too, left.
The grey kitten learned that Alderstripe wasn't much of a talker without Blackstream around, and the two of them settled into a comfortable silence as they ate, and after what seemed like ages, Abelard curled into his newly made nest, feeling exhaustion crash down on him like a heavy weight, dragging him into the darkness of sleep.
NOTES
PLOT -- Since it's still early in the story I don't have much to say on this, but so far you're doing a fantastic job! You're pacing is good, and you've put an original spin on the kittypet-turned-warrior story that so far is working great.
CHARACTERS -- Again, not much to say yet, but so far so good! (As I've said, I especially love Alderstripe!) Just be sure to be developing each character more as you go on. So far, the warriors Abelard has met blend together a little. But we haven't gotten to know them yet so not a huge deal at this point, just something to watch.
DESCRIPTION -- I actually have nothing to say about this other than keep up the great work! You've got great description in just the right amounts.
MISC -- Really the only issue I noticed was with your dialogue. When splitting a dialogue tag, make sure you don't capitalize words that don't begin new sentences!! The hard part is knowing when it's a new sentence, so as a general rule, if you're using any word that is a synonym for "said" you use a comma, but if you're only describing the action of the character, you would use a period and start a new sentence. Here are two examples, one of a single sentence and one with a new sentence. (Lemme know if you have any questions about this, sorry if I didn't explain it very well lol)
"I didn't realize you were there," she mewed, sitting down. "I'm sorry."
VS
"I didn't realize you were there." She sat down, wrapping her tail around her paws. "I'm sorry."
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Post by Headphone Actor on Jul 13, 2017 19:28:09 GMT -5
Thanks, Dew!
A note on the spelling thing, it's honestly more of a habit than anything, as far as "grey vs. gray" goes. My grandma is British, and that's how she taught me how to spell it. You're right, though, about me describing him more than saying his name. When I was writing it felt like I was saying his name more than describing him, but when I got you to look at it, I see it's the opposite.
Thank you again! I really appreciate this!
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Post by Dewstripe on Jul 13, 2017 20:22:45 GMT -5
Anytime, I'm happy to help!
Well hey, like I said, there's no need to change it since it's technically not incorrect, lots of people spell it either way. I just highlighted all of them so that if chose to change it you wouldn't have to search for them. Also, it can help to see how many times you've used a word haha
Can't wait for you to continue ^^
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Post by Dewstripe on Aug 4, 2017 13:43:56 GMT -5
if anyone has any suggestions/ideas for packages, please let me know!
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Post by Headphone Actor on Oct 5, 2017 19:16:10 GMT -5
Username: Headphone Actor Package: Advanced Length of Request: Chapter 5 - Chapter 9 Request: wcrpforums.com/thread/38219/chapter?page=1&scrollTo=1337469 Annnd I'm back! Always helpful to know where I stand on a critical level, honestly. Dewstripe |
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Post by Dewstripe on Oct 7, 2017 17:26:05 GMT -5
ooh yay, an excuse to re-read! lol
I'll get to it asap, but just a forewarning that it'll probably take a little longer than usual. sorry in advance. (I'm gonna make it 5-10 since you have that up now too)
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Post by Headphone Actor on Oct 7, 2017 17:51:51 GMT -5
ooh yay, an excuse to re-read! lol I'll get to it asap, but just a forewarning that it'll probably take a little longer than usual. sorry in advance. (I'm gonna make it 5-10 since you have that up now too) It's fine, Dew! Take your time! I appreciate you doing this altogether, so the fact that you're doing this at all is enough for me! |
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