|
|
Post by Dewstripe on Aug 11, 2016 13:41:28 GMT -5
✎ ᴅᴇᴡʏ ᴅᴇᴄɪᴍᴀʟ·s ᴇᴅɪᴛɪɴɢ sᴇʀᴠɪᴄᴇ ✐Well hello there ^^ My name is Dewstripe, but you can call me Dew, Dewy, or Dewy Decimal. I'm a college student minoring in creative writing (so I occasionally know what I'm talking about.) I'm a huge lover of writing, but I have one big problem when it comes to finishing a project: I enjoy editing much more than actual writing. I spend too much time making my stories better, and not enough adding on to them. To get this editing craziness out of my system, I thought it might help to edit other people's work. After getting some input, I've decided to go through with it.
Alright, alright, enough about me. I bet you're wondering what exactly an "editing service" entails. Well, it really is as simple as it sounds. Upon request, I will edit your work (be it fanfiction or a personal story, or even schoolwork) for you. While I'm far from perfect, it never hurts to have a second pair of eyes. There are different packages to choose from (more info later) with varying levels of detail. There will be a waitlist, but I will do my best to get your edits back ASAP. Some packages will take longer than others. I may be willing to do rushed orders with special requests (like if it's schoolwork with a due date, or you're entering a contest with a deadline), but not often.
Rather than just correcting your mistakes, I will mark them with colors and explain why it is wrong. Hopefully, this will allow everyone to learn from their mistakes and improve over time. If enough people show an interest, I may even do some sort of one-on-one tutoring, with homework assignments and lessons. (Please tell me if you're interested in this!) The best part of all of this? It's entirely free. The only payment I need is a thank you. If you have any questions, feel free to ask!
✎ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴀᴄᴋᴀɢᴇs ✐NOTE: all packages include the ones listed above them
The Basics ;; exactly as the name suggests: spelling and grammar only
Style ;; additional suggestions for word choice, sentence structure, and tense errors
Advanced ;; additional critique of plot, description, characters, etc. Must have a minimum of five chapters (including prologue if you have one)
Nitpicky ;; COMING SOON ✎ ᴛʜᴇ ғᴏʀᴍ ✐No more five chapter limit! You can request an entire story if you want! I will, however, only edit five chapters at a time and you'll be moved back to the end of the waitlist after every five.
Username:
Package:
Length of Request: (word count for a short story or single chapter, or number of chapters)
Request: (either copy & paste, or put a link) |
|
|
|
Post by Dewstripe on Aug 11, 2016 13:42:19 GMT -5
✎ ᴡᴀɪᴛʟɪsᴛ ✐
✎ ᴄᴏᴍᴘʟᴇᴛᴇᴅ ᴇᴅɪᴛs ✐mintedstar/fur
Mortality 1-5 -- page 1
Mortality 6-9 -- page 1
Kestrelpaw
Heart of a Lion 1-2 -- page 1
Firehaze
When Darkness Comes P-2 -- page 2
☣Sнα∂σωƒα¢є☣
Curse P-4 -- page 2
Razz
Grimm P-2 -- page 2
✲ριкαƒυєу✲
Uncast Stones P-5 -- page 3
Mosspool
Raven's Song P-3 -- page 3
ѕρσттєɗfυя1093
Coming Storm P-1 -- page 3
Headphone Actor
Trials and Tribulations P-4 -- page 3
|
|
|
|
Post by mintedstar/fur on Aug 11, 2016 13:57:43 GMT -5
Username: mintedstar/fur Package: Style Length of Request: First five chapters of my fan fiction? That is, if you have time. Request: www.wcrpforums.com/thread/2010/chap-9Hope I can post, if not I'll delete this. And thank you very much for making this.  |
|
|
|
Post by Dewstripe on Aug 11, 2016 14:04:26 GMT -5
Hi there Minty, thanks for your request! I'll get right to it. (and just so you're aware, you are also welcome to request additional chapters after I've finished the first five)
|
|
|
|
Post by mintedstar/fur on Aug 11, 2016 14:22:35 GMT -5
Oh, thank you very much.  |
|
|
|
Post by Dewstripe on Aug 11, 2016 15:52:59 GMT -5
mintedstar/fur -- here is your completed "style" edit. if you have any questions, please ask
Red = spelling/grammar error
Orange = unnecessary word/punctuation
Yellow = explanation
Teal = missing word/punctuation
Pink = other
CHAPTER ONE
I knew she was there even before I could see. She was a presence that echoed my mother’s, but she smelled of the outside that I knew nothing about. My mother smelled of milk and the nursery which I knew all too much about. (too repetitive. I would suggest changing one of the sentences to be more unique. for example: "the nursery, which I was all too familiar with") I would crawl to the unknown cat when my mother wasn’t there. The cat would nuzzle me, lick me with loving care, and my meowing for my mother would quiet. The other cats in the nursery would soon come to get me and enfold their warmth around me instead, but it was never the same. I remember a few of the queens would wonder why I had been quiet in a corner when I could be with my siblings, Molekit and Cherrykit. I couldn’t talk yet, so I didn’t explain.
When I could talk, but my eyes were still not open, I asked one queen who the other cat was. I could sense her confusion, but didn’t understand it. “You know Ferncloud,” she said, “and I’m Daisy.” I knew the two queens’ names but the cat that I knew wasn’t a queen. She wasn’t there at the time or I would have pointed her out.
My eyes opened early the moon after I talked to Daisy and the first thing I saw in the dawn light was Whitefire. The light flowed around her like water, shining off her white fur and flashed through the green leaves around the entrance as she walked into the nursery. The name, Whitefire, she gave me in a feathery soft voice that was like the breath from a moth’s wings. She was a white she cat (should be she-cat) with tousled fur. Her right ear and left paw was (two nouns being described, should be "were") raven black and her watery green eyes, which, as she would tell me later, were the color of seaweed (though I never learned what, exactly, that was). She towered above me, but she still brought on the same calm that she had done (could be replaced with just as") when my eyes were closed. I would have liked to talk to her. I had never heard her voice before, but my mother, Poppyfrost, woke up, yawning and looked at me with sleepy eyes. I was standing near the entrance, the light coming from around me, so it took a little time for her to see my eyes. When she did, her sleepiness melted away and she leaped into the air, pushing my brother and sister out of the nest. They meowed with displeasure before curling up there ("the"?) on the ground where they laid. Cherrykit’s and Molekit’s eyes were still closed and I realized with a flutter of joy that I had been the first to open them. My mother smiled with elation, “Hollykit! Your eyes have opened!”
I nodded absentmindedly, my thoughts drifting back to my friend, who had disappeared out the exit when Poppyfrost had woken. “Mom, why didn’t you ever tell me about Whitefire?” Poppyfrost, who was still thinking about her daughter’s open eyes, said, in a slightly cheerful voice, “Who?” “Whitefire?” I asked again. Poppyfrost shook her head, a puzzled look coming into her eyes, (should be a .) “I’ve never heard of her. Is she a cat from another Clan? Did Ferncloud tell you about her? I don’t remember the name, though…” She trailed off, her eyes drifting away into a corner and she seemed to forget what she was talking about. “What were you saying, dear?”
I opened my mouth, going to deny that Whitefire was from another Clan, but I stopped. I didn’t know, did I? My mother seemed too distracted to answer any questions anyway. Whitefire could be from another Clan; she didn’t smell of Thunderclan. Why, if she was from another Clan, was she here? Was she a spy? Or a rouge with a warrior name?
I was bundled back into the nest and I had to wait three more days for my siblings to open their eyes. I didn’t ask any of my questions and Whitefire didn’t reappear. When I had been a kit, I had never talked to Whitefire. Why? I promised myself I would ask her all my questions as soon as I saw her…
CHAPTER TWO
Fire burns in my paws and in my ears, lighting up the world behind my eyes. My life plays in front of me, from when I lost my life.
I regained consciousness and the pain behind my eyes lifted. I opened them to see a den of woven brambles. The moonlight drifted in through the cracks among the branches and the grass brushed my right paw. And then I looked down at my paws… Only I was missing one. I gasped in horror. Where one of my paws used to be was only a black stump, a few leaves were wrapped around it. I felt my eyes widen with remembering. It had been dark, and then something had fallen on me. I had felt the sharp pain in my ear and paw as I tried to pull away from the darkness. Then I had been hit with something from above and everything, even the pain, had faded. Now I was in a strange den with only three working legs. If something was going to attack me then there was no way I could put up much of a fight. At least I wasn’t in any pain. I laid my head back down and felt one of my ears touch the ground, but not the other. I closed my eyes, knowing that I had also lost one of my ears. I must have drifted into sleep because when I was shaken awake it was just becoming dawn. The cat that greeted me was a gray tabby she-cat with light amber eyes and a cheerful smile. I flinched back, surprised, and bared my teeth, “Who are you?”
The tabby smiled at me, “Name’s Heron, I saw you outside the moor all banged up, but I don’t know how you’re alive. You should be dead y’know.” I didn’t let my guard down, but I didn’t growl either and I lowered my lips so they covered my teeth. “I don’t know how I’m alive.” I looked down at my leg with the missing paw, “Did you wrap it up?” Heron nodded her head, “Yah, I did. You’d almost stopped bleeden (bleedin’ would be grammatically correct and still show the accent) anyway but I thought that it might get infected otherwise. The spirits are looken (lookin’ – again, you replace the letter with a ‘ rather than just changing the spelling) out for you kid.”
Kid? I thought, but didn’t question it. “I highly doubt the spirits care anything for me,” I said instead. “Anyway, where are we? I didn’t think there are any brambles near WindClan.” “WindClan? I don’t know no WindClan, but we are near the road by the stables if that’s what you mean,” said Heron.
“What is a stables?” I asked, my head aching from this cats accented speech. “And what is a road?”
Heron looked at me as if I was the one speaking oddly and not her, “You’re not from around here are you? What's your name?”
I didn’t answer for a second, not knowing if I should give her my name or not. I decided to not do so, it was for her own good anyway, it was better not to know me by it. “You can call me Black-fire if you like.”
Heron smiled, “I didn’t think you were from here. That’s one of this bone eaten (eatin’ – “eaten” is a real word with a different meaning) cat names right?”
I wondered why she was still smiling, if she really thought I ate bones then why look cheerful. (Would make more sense divided into two sentences: "I wondered why she was still smiling. If she really though I ate bones, then why look so cheerful?")
She must have seen my confusion, “I don’t think that rumor is true. If you ate bones then I don’t think I would be here. My mother was what you would call a kittypet and she was with one of those cats. Never told me much about him, didn’t like talken (talkin’) about it, him (should be the possessive pronoun “his”) haven (havin’) left her and all. But she never saw him eat no bones. So I know I’m safe with you.”
You don’t know how wrong you are, I thought. You’re not safe with any warrior.
CHAPTER THREE
I was curled up in the nursery when Whitefire came again. Her paw steps could be heard on the freshly fallen snow that was still coming from the sky. I dug farther (“farther” doesn’t fit this context, I think you mean “further”) into my next, not wanting to talk with my friend right now. Secrets and more secrets. Why did those things have to stand in our way? Whitefire entered the den and I closed my eyes tightly, not wanting to see her. I heard her, though. She sighed and took another pace toward me.
“I know you’re awake.”
I didn’t move but I wondered if I should get up and face her.
As if reading my thoughts Whitefire said, “No, don’t get up. I want to pretend you’re really asleep so I can say something. Who know, maybe you really are off in the dream world and don’t have to worry about your future.”
Whitefire paused, as if thinking about what she was going to say next.
“I can’t answer everything, some of it is too important to be trusted to the winds. But I’m going to warn you now; many answers will only lead to more questions.”
I gave an almost silent sigh, of course, there was always a catch.
“My name, in full,” continued Whitefire. “Is Whitefire that Burns inside my Mind. A have always found it to be a pretty name and a pity that it is so long I cannot use it in full. I am nether (confused word: “neither”) rouge or (with “either”, it is “or”, but with “neither,” it is “nor”) loner, as I have no real body, not anymore. But I am not a StarClan cat either, nor in fact, their counterparts, the Dark Forest. You can call me a wandering spirit for now. When you were a younger kit I did not talk to you because I feared you would ask too many questions in front of your mother and kin. If you had they may have thought you were either meant for the medicine cat den or that you were insane. Neither of these are (incorrect verb form: “neither” doesn’t agree with the verb “are.” Should be “is”) your destiny.”
Whitefire stood her and I could feel her warmth, her presence, just like when I was younger. I wished for those old days now, when things were simple, (should be a ; ) when I could go to sleep without worrying I was talking to a ghost.
Whitefire was almost done talking, “I can’t tell you your destiny, I can’t tell you more of who you are or who I was. I can only tell you that you must speak with three who hold the destiny of all inside their hearts. They will light your way.”
Three? What three? Three cats, three trees, three anything! I was almost panicking. There was (incorrect verb form, should be “were”) countless answers and countless ways to get it wrong.
Whitefire turned and walked away, I didn’t turn and look outside until I knew she had left. When I look outside (repetitive. maybe just say "out"?) at the freshly fallen snow untouched by paw (would make more sense saying “paws” or “paw steps”). That’s when I really and truly knew what I was in. I knew a ghost who nobody could see and who didn’t leave paw prints.
When I looked at it like that it was almost funny.
CHAPTER FOUR
The stone cold warrior without a heart. Maybe that really is me. Without any feelings, a coward with no soul. I don’t deserve one. That’s me and you can curse them all. Another cat has come into my life, another cat that I could destroy. I want to run away from her before my poison overcomes her life.
But the place where my paw used to be now aches, and I cannot run. Phantom pains, Heron says. But each time I would wake and think that it was still there. My ear doesn’t hurt, I’ve had scratches and knicks before, the only difference now is that the scratch is much bigger, taking my whole ear, leaving tatters and scraps in its wake. Every bit of pain, every ache, I deserve it all. The pain that inflicts a curse on cats like me. The murderer and heartless soul like me.
*
Heron shook me awake and I was glad to leave the blood and death my dreams had become.
“You were sayin’ (needs an apostrophe when you get rid of the letter) his name his name in your sleep again,” said Heron, looking concerned.
“Whose name was I saying?” I asked. My dream was fading and I couldn’t remember who had been under my claws this time. Who had I killed in my head? What horror could I no longer remember?
“Ashfur,” said Heron, her head cocked in curiosity. “Who’s he? An old beau that you didn’t like?”
I almost laughed, driving my nose deeper into my nest. Ashfur? My crush? It was the most ludicrous thing I had ever heard.
I had almost gotten used to Heron’s odd speech. In my one and a half moon with her I had learned more words then (confused word: should be “than”) all my years with my Clan. It was almost refreshing to have her beside me. A new face and a new place that wasn’t the darkness of the tunnels or the lightness of the cave that the underground river ran through. More sound then (again, should be “than”) the spirit of…
No, I couldn’t think of him, the memory of him hurt worse than Ashfur’s. I could not think of him. (kind of repetitive, you might want to get rid of the second sentence)
Heron tapped my shoulder, “Blacky, come on, snap out of it.”
She had taken up calling me Blacky verse (doesn’t make sense. Do you mean “versus”?) Black-fire. I like her name for me more then (once more, should be “than”) the name my mother had given me. More than the name she had given me.
I sighed and rolled over, ignoring the stab of pain that went through the place where my missing paw had been.
“No,” I said in a quiet voice. “Ashfur wasn’t a very important cat. Not to me."
“Wasn’t?” asked Heron, pressing me for more information. “Your (incorrect word. should be "you're") makin' it sound like he’s dead."
“He is.”
That was as much as I said, not saying anything else, even when she asked. I wanted to wallow in my sorrow and she wasn’t welcome to join me.
*
I hadn’t seen any cats other then (than) Heron since I had come here. (doesn't sound right. maybe try "since I had been there") She had said there were more, but only once had she ever given a name to one.
“Owl,” she said. “He’s my brother. Nice guy if you don’t mind his pushiness.”
I didn’t say anything, I didn’t need to. Heron just talked for me. “He doesn’t take no for an answer, like, (would flow better as a new sentence: "answer. Like,") you could want to go take a walk and he would want to stay in the den, you could bet against anyone you want that you’d both be indoors all day ‘cause of him.”
I filled the space where I would have spoken with a flick of my tail.
I was curled in my nest, listening, but not caring what she said. It was background noise, nothing that really mattered. Nothing mattered anymore.
Heron, who was sitting by me, seemed annoyed that I wasn’t taking an interest.
“Come on Blacky, you can do better than this. You’re worse than a sick kit. You need to get up.”
“No,” I said, the first words I had said that hour.
“And why not? Come with me to the meeting of what you ‘bone-eaters’ would call rogues and loners. You have to come as a new rogue anyway. Maxy will come and yell at you, so get up.”
Two names in one day. She must be worried if she was talking about other cats.
“What meeting?” I asked, twitching as part of me yelled at the other to move.
“Come and find out,” said Heron, with a note in her voice that made me think that her brother wasn’t the only cat would could (confusing. Should either be “that could” or “that would”) make you do something.
I groaned, knowing that I was going whether I wanted to or not.
CHAPTER FIVE
They say your apprentice ceremony is supposed to be an exciting affair. They said I would be given a good mentor and that me and my brother and sister (technically incorrect. should be "my brother, my sister and I") would grow into fine warriors. Turns out that was a lie…
*
“Hollykit, from this moment on, until you receive your warrior name, you shall be known as Hollypaw. Your mentor will be Blossomfall, she is young, but I hope that her energy and knowledge will strengthen you as you become a warrior.”
In those moments I was excited, standing beside by brother, Molepaw, and sister, Cherrypaw, I felt on top of the world. Cherrypaw’s mentor, Cloudtail, and Molepaw’s mentor, Spiderleg, were smiling behind us as the Clans cheered our names.
Then a scream ripped the camp. I turned, looking around in fear, my fur on edge. Cherrypaw looked at me like I’d grown antlers.
“What’s your problem Hollypaw?”
I stared at her, hadn’t she heard the scream. (clunky sentence, would be better split up: "I stared at her. Hadn't she heard the scream?")
Then another scream rent the air.(this sentence doesn’t make sense, did you mean "ripped"?) This time, I could make out the words.
“Hollypaw! Hollypaw! ShadowClan, they’re coming!”
Whitefire wasn’t any place I could see. I hadn’t seen her in moons, not since she’d spoken the prophecy to me. But here she was, yelling at me because of… ShadowClan?
Then the words hit home. With a shout, I leaped to my paws.
“ShadowClan are attacking!” My scream was heard, unlike Whitefire’s. Only it had no effect, cats stared at me like I was mad. No one believed me or they were just too dumbfounded to understand.
I looked to my sibling for support. In a weaker voice I said, “Cherrypaw, Molepaw, you have to understand, ShadowClan is coming!”
As I said that the lower edges of ThunderClan camp rustled for a second, then there was a hiss from the cat outside guarding the camp, and that was all the warning we had before the words for ShadowClan to attack sounded throughout the camp.
Our apprentice ceremony quickly turned into chaos as cats broke through the thorn barrier and started to fight with the cats of ThunderClan. All I could do was stand there as cats (you've said "cats" a lot in the past few sentences. maybe say "warriors" instead) streamed around me.
It all felt pointless, I had tried to warn them and yet ShadowClan had still had the element of surprise. (would be better as two sentences: "It all felt pointless. I had tried to warn them, yet ShadowClan...") What could I do to help?
I, Cherrypaw, and Molepaw backed up against the high rock. None of us had any training, we hadn’t learned anything about fighting unless you counted wrestling in nursery games.
We were in a middle of a battle, helpless as kits.
Brackenfur was fighting with a white she-cat not far from us. She was covered in small scratches and was nursing one paw. Brackenfur had a nicked ear and the corner of his mouth was bleeding from a small scratch. Just when it looked like he would win against the she-cat, a ShadowClan cat came rushing to her rescue.
“Need a little help, sis?” he called as he tried to claw Brackenfur’s other ear.
“Why’d you have to jump in? I nearly had him,” complained the she-cat, even though she looked grateful for his interference.
Brackenfur was now outnumbered and injured, (very lengthy sentence. make it a .) I felt a desperate need to help my clanmate so he had at least a chance, but before I could do anything Molepaw came running out from behind me and jumped onto Ratscar’s back.
Ratscar’s eyes widened with surprise at the extra weight that had just landed on him and Brackenfur could have taken advantage of this, but he was also surprised at Molepaw’s entry.
“Molepaw, get back!” he hissed as he dodged the white she-cat’s claws. “Get back to Cherrypaw and Hollypaw.”
But Molepaw was have (confused word: should be “was having” or just “had”) some trouble with getting away from Ratscar. Molepaw had somehow gotten his mouth into one of Ratscar’s ears and was biting with all his might. Ratscar growled with pain and tried to shake Molepaw of his back. This failed even though when he stopped shaking Molepaw looked rattled.
Then Ratscar seemed to think of something. Curling himself into a ball to protect his belly he rolled over. Brackenfur was now fighting the white she-cat and a tortoiseshell one. This cat seemed to have come from a reserve force that had just arrived in the camp.
“Oh StarClan,” moaned Cherrypaw, who was huddled deeper under high rock. “I think they brought the whole of ShadowClan for this attack.”
EXTRA NOTES
For the first two chapters, you should start a new line after each piece of dialogue. You did this in later chapters, but should go back and fix this in the originals.
INCORRECT -- Roger is older then Diane.
CORRECT -- Roger is older than Diane.
INCORRECT -- First we ate dinner, than we ate dessert.
CORRECT -- First we ate dinner, then we ate dessert
|
|
|
|
Post by » ѕнαdσω ⚔️ on Aug 12, 2016 9:22:43 GMT -5
AHHH DEWSTRIPE HAS AN EDITING SERVICE? MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE. <3
Weren't you the one who had that Hunger Games x Warriors crossover? I remember it as being legendary in the old forums. (':
I'm not sure I want to give you five chapters of Curse to edit. Honestly two or three chapters of mine equals five average length chapters. x'D
|
|
|
|
Post by mintedstar/fur on Aug 12, 2016 10:06:13 GMT -5
Thank you very much! I'll fill out the form for the remaining chapters once I change the first 5.
|
|
|
|
Post by Dewstripe on Aug 12, 2016 10:31:10 GMT -5
that was me c; and wow, you using the word "legendary" means a lot considering that you, in fact, are legendary.
and honestly don't worry about length. I really enjoy editing, and I'm not exactly expecting many mistakes from you anyway.
And no problem Minty! Hope it was helpful, let me know if you have questions about anything.
|
|
|
|
Post by кєѕтяєℓ on Aug 13, 2016 2:23:27 GMT -5
OOH! Ooh, do mine! I need someone to edit it, I've been doing it all myself and it's taking off my writing time.. Username: Kestrelpaw Package: Advanced, but if you'd rather do Style that's okay too! Length of Request: Chapters 1&2 of my fanfic Request: wcrpforums.com/thread/2975/heart-lion-chapter-2?page=1 |
|
Hyenafang
"I do not support Seaworld or any Marine Parks that exploit Cenaceans!"
|
Post by Hyenafang on Aug 13, 2016 3:29:32 GMT -5
When I saw this I thought you were talking about the Dewey Decimal System in library:D.
I'm actually attending a diploma course to become a librarian's assistant. So I know all about the Dewey system:)
|
|
§Moonwing§
I was §Moonwing§ on the original forums!
|
Post by §Moonwing§ on Aug 13, 2016 4:56:59 GMT -5
Hey, it's nice to see an editing service on here! I have a new work in progress, if I were to submit it, would you prefer it to be by chapter as I write, or a chunk at a time so you can better see where the project is headed?
|
|
|
|
Post by Dewstripe on Aug 13, 2016 9:08:20 GMT -5
I'll get right to it Kestrel!
Yeah, it's a nickname one of my friends came up with a while back.
Depends. If you want the advanced package, it's easier with more work at once, but with the basics or style, one chapter at a time is perfectly fine
|
|
|
|
Post by ☾ Cʀᴇsᴄᴇɴᴛ ☽ on Aug 13, 2016 17:40:18 GMT -5
Ah, so glad you decided to try this! I very well may use this in the future... The coding and such looks wonderful, and I love your nickname in the title!
|
|
|
|
Post by Firehaze on Aug 13, 2016 18:31:54 GMT -5
Username: Firehaze Package: Style Length of Request: Just the Prologue and Chapter one please :3 Request: wcrpforums.com/thread/5191/chapterI feel like it's missing something old writings of mine have which is sad because I'm already falling in love with the characters. I also can't tell if it's too bland or too cliche. |
|
|
|
Post by Firehaze on Aug 13, 2016 18:32:43 GMT -5
Also I am going on vacation for the next week so you don't need to rush or feel hurried to do mine I won't be back until the 21st or the 22nd so no stress and no worries on mine |
|
|
|
Post by Dewstripe on Aug 13, 2016 18:41:41 GMT -5
Thanks so much! You're added to the waitlist
|
|
|
|
Post by Dewstripe on Aug 13, 2016 19:00:50 GMT -5
Kestrelpaw -- Here's your finished "advanced" edit! Let me know if you have any questions. I didn't have much to say, your writing is very good!
Red = spelling/grammar error
Orange = unnecessary word/punctuation
Yellow = explanation
Teal = missing word/punctuation
Pink = other
CHAPTER ONE
I AM NOT NORMAL. I know that by now.
The way they look at me, (unnecessary comma before the dependent clause marker "like") like I’m some sort of low-life scum. I give them the glare back and they kind of give a small snort, as if they’re silently saying, That’s what I expected of you, half-blood. I’ve learned to expect it from them, too.
It’s not that I don’t want to be like them, I want to, badly. I want to be a normal lion, not some half-blood where’d-you-come-from-so-I-can-send-you-back kind of cat. It’s not my fault, and I wish they would accept that, instead of pushing me away. Why can’t they give me a chance? I guess they sort of did, by taking me in.
I’ve only heard whispers from the elders how I got here. They immediately quiet as soon as I walk by, but I’ve pieced it together enough.
I was barely a day old, left between the borders of LionClan and TigerClan, which sums up my life pretty well. Trapped on the border, alone, unwanted. The few ‘friends’ — actually, only one friend — I have act more like I’m a hyena; as if I’ll go off at any moment and they’re only my friends because when I do go nuts they’ll be able to say, “Hey, I wasn’t mean to you. Remember the mouse we shared?” Ha! As if that’s enough. Not that I’d ever go crazy like that. The cats I have the chance to share a clan with are enough to make me go nuts, sometimes, though.
They say I should have been lucky that Goldenstar was there. That the mangy flea-pelts from TigerClan would’ve mauled me and I was lucky to be alive. Supposedly he talked his way into letting LionClan keep me. I doubt you can convince TigerClan to do anything, but sure, we’ll go with that side of the story.
The rest of the Clan undoubtedly wishes that Goldenstar had left me for dead. I can tell by the way they look at me, that why do you exist when you should be dead? kind of look. As I said, this Clan drives me crazy. They always go quiet whenever I walk by, not the kind of respectful quiet they give Goldenstar, the kind of quiet where it makes you feel like someone died — or at least someone should have.
Sometimes I wonder if Goldenstar regrets his decision. I can never tell. Sometimes he watches me. It’s not the same stare that the other cats give me, there’s something hidden deep in those amber eyes, and I can’t tell what it is. I do know for certain, he seems to be very protective of me. There was one time when Fallowtail, who had reluctantly given me milk along with her kits, had threatened to stop because apparently “I was being to (wrong "to" - should be "too") rough” with her own kits. Riiight. If anything, they were too rough with me, as I was smaller than they were.
Ha! What trouble she was in then. Goldenstar had personally come into the nursery and had a talk with her after shooing the kits (including me) out of there. We could hear his bellows from where we were hiding in one-time unity behind the elder’s den. Which, I might add, is all the way across camp. Fallowtail never put up another argument, though she did give me multiple glares as if it was my fault for all her problems.
But most cats do that anyway. I’m not like them. My tiger blood shows, in the fact that I’m leaner and longer than the other kits, and I have faint, grey stripes criss-crossing (no - in the word crisscrossing) my back over my golden pelt. I have a faint worry that I won’t have a mane. I’m in LionClan. What if, as I get older, my stripes become darker, my pelt becomes more orange? My secret worry is to become more tiger than lion. It seems irrational. How could that happen? But I know it could. That would be the only thing that could be worse living in this clan.
I’m alone.
Sometimes I wonder if there are more like me, somewhere in StarClan, ancestors from the past. Maybe there are. I gave up trying to get StarClan to talk to me by the time I was three moons old. It never helped. They never talked to me. (sort of repetitive, I would replace this with "talked back" or "replied")
I did wonder if they talked to the medicine cat, though. She always stared at me funny, sort of like the way Goldenstar does, as if she knows something I don’t. And I don’t know if I actually want to know what she knows. Is it a prophecy? If so, what could it be about? Certainly not me fitting into the clan. They hate me too much. Probably something about how I’ll doom the clan. Like most cats think I will.
I was drawn from my thoughts as Petalkit, Goldenstar’s only daughter and my only real friend, came racing up to me.
“Sunkit!” she yelped, bowling me over. I struggled for a moment, then went limp in defeat. She always managed to pin me down.
“Hello, Petalkit,” I said with a mock sigh of exasperation, weakly batting at her ears. She swatted at me.
“What, are you not happy to see royalty?” she leapt off of me, batting at my paws.
“Oh! You’re royalty? Well, I growl at your feet,” I said, stretching my forepaws out in front of me in a bow.
“It’s grovel, genius,” Petalkit said with a snort and a flick of her tail. “Aaanyway, guess what?”
“Chicken butt?” I guessed, curling my tail around my paws. I’d heard Ryepaw and Autumnpaw use the phrase.
“What? I don’t even know what a chicken is,” she cocked her head, confused. She was very cute when she did that. Er, not that I thought that, personally, I, uh, had heard Ryepaw say that. Yeah. “Father said that your apprentice ceremony is coming! It’s going to be today, just after sunhigh!”
“Seriously?” I had a right to be skeptical. From what I knew I was at least a moon older than Petalkit’s age, but being found on the border as a kit of unknown origin, there was no way to tell. “Are you messing with me?” I perked my ears forward questioningly.
“Why would I joke about this to you?” Petalkit seemed genuinely confused about this. As if she didn’t notice there were cats who hated me. AKA, all the cats in the clan. Except her. But sometimes I do wonder if she’s only my friend because she feels sorry for me. But with the question she just asked and the look on her face, I can tell she isn’t joking.
“Well, for starters, there was one time when you joked with me that your father had given permission for us to go out of camp,” I meowed, “aaand we got caught and had to clean the elders for ticks for a week.”
That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Because of my odd pelt, everyone seemed to want to play tricks on the strange kit that happened to be naïve enough to believe them. Volepaw and Fernpaw, when they were kits, about to be apprentices, had come up to me and said they had a message from Birchleaf: that if I ate these leaves (which they had, I found out later, stolen from the medicine cat) my faint tiger stripes would go away and I’d be allowed to become an apprentice. Suuure.
“C’mon, Sunkit,” Volekit meowed when I had hesitated, “Don’t be mouse-brained. Why would I lie to you?”
Foolishly, I had believed him. That got me stuck in the medicine den for a few days. My stripes didn’t even go away, like I stupidly believed they would. In fact, the herbs made the colors on my pelt stand out more. Not good.
I had also gotten a talk with Birchleaf about how dangerous it is to eat herbs that she, the medicine cat, didn’t tell me to eat. Ah-hem. I tried to protest that I was told that Volepaw and Fernpaw said that she had told them to tell me that they’d make my stripes go away, but ha-ha, she’d laughed as if I was nuts and told me that “those two? They’re angels. They’d never do that.” And she’d sent me on my way.
“Okay, that was one time,” Petalkit mewed, shaking me out of my reverie.
“What about the time when—“ I began to say, but she cuffed me on the side of the head.
“Don’t accuse royalty!” she yelped. “C’mon, fuzz-brain, you’d better go get me a mouse from the fresh kill pile or else I’ll have you exacamuted!”
“Exaca—?” I began to ask, but she batted me with a paw and I hurried to go get a mouse. She was very pushy sometimes. Fine, all the time.
I suppose it has something to do with her being "royalty" and all. Occasionally I wonder what the Clan would do if their beloved Petalkit was half-TigerClan. Would they love her the same? Or would they only tolerate her, as they do with me on Goldenstar’s orders. (wrong punctuation, should be a ?) They only talk to me when they have to, and whisper about me, but try not to let me know. I remember one time--
Thunk! With a yelp, I realized I had crashed into Autumnpaw. I had fallen (repetitive, easily replaced with "fell") over, being the small kit-nearly-apprentice I was, but she was still standing. Her amber eyes were narrowed, had tail lashing in outrage.
“What do you want?” she spat. I now understood the phrase shooting daggers out of their eyes. Autumnpaw was doing just that.
“I, uh, was just going to go get some prey,” I sputtered. Even after moons of getting used to cats doing this, I was still uncomfortable when the Clan talked to me like this--rude and as if I didn't have feelings.
“Suuure you were,” Autumnpaw says with a scowl, “How do I know you aren’t just jealous of me, a pureblood member of LionClan, and are out to get me?!”
And then there are those who are perfectly open about hating me.
Such is the life of me, the LionClan cat with TigerClan stripes.
CHAPTER TWO
"SUNKIT, STEP FORWARD," GOLDENSTAR called out to me.
Taking a deep breath, I stepped up onto the highrock to stand beside him. The Greenleaf-almost-Leaf-fall sun beat down relentlessly on my back. He looked down at me with those eyes that hid... something.
"Sunkit, you have reached the age of six moons, and it is time for you to be apprenticed. From this day on, until you receive your warrior name, you shall be known as Sunpaw. I shall be your mentor."
I looked up at him and blinked, amazed. Only kits that were to be the most promising warriors got to be Goldenstar's apprentice. As far as I knew, I was not all that promising. And even if I was, why would the leader want to be my mentor? It would surely tarnish his reputation; the LionClan leader mentoring the half-TigerClan cat. The Clan seemed to be just as stupefied as I was--they had gone silent, their whispers stopped, and they were stone-still with surprise. It obviously wasn't that good of a surprise to them, but I suppose that was what my whole life had been to them. A terrible surprise.
Shaking off my hesitation, I stepped forward to touch noses with him. He smiled at me; a warm, friendly smile that could mean anything. His amber eyes glowed with--was that pride? I stepped back to face the Clan, which had broken from their stupor and were now cheering my new name, if dully.
Petalkit was cheering the loudest of all and nudging Autumnpaw to join her. "SUNPAW! SUNPAW! SUNPAW!" I smiled at her, pleased that she was trying. I loved the fact that she was always nice to me. It made living in this Clan worth it.
I leapt off of the highrock, Goldenstar staring at the clan for a moment before following me down. Petalkit came racing up to me as the rest of the Clan dispersed into whispering groups.
"SUNPAW! You got father as your mentor!" Petalkit jumped around me. "You'll be the best warrior in LionClan!"
Before I could reply with something along the lines of 'probably not', Goldenstar appeared behind me, cuffing Petalkit playfully on the head. "I don't know about that," he said in his deep, almost growl-like voice. "I'll still be here."
Petalkit dropped into an attack crouch. "Are you SURE about that?" She bunched up her hind legs and leaped onto her father's back, pummeling his ruff of mane-like fur, which was so long she was nearly buried in it. He growled playfully, flicking his ears and batting at her. The two rolled around, play-fighting, father and daughter.
They'd forgotten about me. I couldn't help but feel left out as their laughs echoed around camp. Sometimes I wondered what it would be like to have a family. Someone to talk to. Someone to play with. Someone who doesn’t criticize you for everything you do. Someone to make you laugh--just like Goldenstar was doing right now with Petalkit. It must be great. She was very lucky. Pride of the Clan, loved by every cat she meets. She was very pretty, too. The way her golden fur was glossy and lustrous. How her amber eyes glowed with happiness and energy. She’s the perfect cat. With the perfect family. Her father’s a leader, her mother’s a deputy.
And me, the cat that was ignored just because I had TigerClan stripes.
I sat down, curling my tail over my paws. I sighed wistfully, wishing I could play with them, but I wasn't part of their family, it would be weird. Goldenstar seemed to notice me, and stopped rearing up on his hind legs to try to get Petalkit off of his head. Petalkit looked at him, puzzled, and stopped chewing at his ears. The leader shook Petalkit off and whispered something to her. She bounded away to play with Rosekit and Beetlekit.
"What are we going to do first?" I asked politely, as if he hadn't ignored me to play with his daughter. I didn't resent him for it--I just wished I could join them.
"I'm thinking we could go tour the territory, and if we have time maybe practice some hunting," he replied gruffly. I smiled and nodded. It was clear that he'd be pushing me just as hard as a normal cat. I was glad he didn't think me weak for my stripes.
Amberheart, the ginger-furred deputy and Goldenstar's mate, stopped us as we headed out. "Goldenstar! The fresh-kill pile's running low, can I lead a patrol to go hunting by the Great Oak?" The Great Oak was a large tree that I'd heard was a favorited place by squirrels and birds. It had been a few days since a patrol had gone by there to hunt; they were letting the prey come back so that there'd be more.
Goldenstar nodded, "Yes. I might be by once I'm done showing Sunpaw the borders to show him some hunting skills. Speaking of, take Fernpaw and Birchleaf with you, they need to go get some herbs, I'm told." Amberheart nodded and went to gather the cats.
Goldenstar turned to me, "We'd better tour the borders so we can go hunting before they catch all the prey." I nodded, and, satisfied, Goldenstar led the way out of camp.
Everything seemed much larger than the warriors had portrayed it to be. Maybe that was because they were bigger, but still, (missing comma after an introductory phrase) I was amazed at the forest. The trees, which I could see the top halves of over the camp wall, were not done justice. Their trunks were wide enough that it would take two, maybe three, full-grown warriors to be able to fit around it, tail-tip to nose. (this is totally a personal preference, but for some reason this sounds kinda off. "nose to tail-tip" would sound better, I think)
As a kit, I had only pounced upon oak leaves of the trees surrounding camp. But here-- (a comma would be more logical here) all sorts of leaves fluttered through the sky, in pointy shapes, circle shapes, even one that looked like a cat's face! I paused in awe to look around at the moss covering the bottoms of the trees, the green, red, and orange leaves fluttering through the sky, and the birds flitting through the trees before I realized that Goldenstar had already gone without me. I could just see his gold fur disappearing behind a bush. I leapt after him, catching up as we neared a small stream. He didn't seem to notice that I had fallen behind.
I made to leap over the river, thinking that we were going to keep going, but Goldenstar stopped me. "That's TigerClan's side," he rumbled, cuffing me on the head. "We don't want to get caught there." Now that he mentioned it, I could smell a musky odor that I assumed must be TigerClan.
I nodded, which he seemed to take as me saying, oh yes, great and wise Goldenstar, tell me more. He continued, "We stay on this side of the stream, they stay on theirs. Most of the time," he added, almost as an afterthought. I wondered what he meant. Was TigerClan crossing the border? Or-- I shook my head, clearing away the thought. LionClan was full of noble warriors, no one would dare cross the border unless they told their leader. "Our border goes all the way down to the falls," he gestured downstream, where I could hear a low rumble, the rumble of the water cascading onto the rocks. (again, kinda personal preference, but this could be shortened to "a low rumble of water cascading onto the rocks")
Goldenstar led me in the opposite direction along the river. "Over here is Fourtrees." The trees were huge, larger than any tree I had seen yet, each branch full to nearly bursting with leaves that were turning colors of Leaf-fall, the leaves only just starting to drift down. I wondered why there were four trees. There weren't four Clans--only three. I wondered why StarClan had put four there. Was there another Clan? Would there be one?
Just as I was about to ask Goldenstar these questions, I smelled something, different from the musky scent of TigerClan and different from the strange, airy one I guessed was LeopardClan. It was faint, but definitely there. I looked around, sniffing the air, trying to find the source of the smell. Goldenstar looked at me.
"What is it?" He asked, moving to stand by my shoulder and sniffing the air also. I took hardly a moment to notice that he towered over me; I was still barely bigger than a kit. His pelt gleamed gold, and he looked more like a giant lion than ever.
"I don't know, a strange smell," I replied, (should be a . ) "Not TigerClan or LeopardClan's," I added as he started to ask that. He nodded.
"Can you tell where it's coming from?" he asked. I nodded, also.
"It gets stronger over there," I pointed to a bush closer to our territory, near LeopardClan's. He gave me a look, half concerned, half amused, and nodded a nod that clearly meant lead the way. I started off, the smell getting stronger with each step I took.
Goldenstar suddenly stopped, sniffing more furiously. I looked at him. "What--?" I started to ask, but he had an alarmed, fierce look on his face, it made me almost scared.
"Badger," he breathed out, almost silent; I could barely hear him. He seemed to come to his senses, and suddenly bellowed, "BADGER, Sunpaw! What are you standing there for, go warn the camp!"
Frightened, I turned around as fast as I could, stumbled, regained my footing, and sprinted out of the clearing we were standing in. I had barely run ten tail-lengths before I ran into something. I screeched and jumped back, thinking it was the badger, but I realized it was Amberheart and her apprentice, Ryepaw. Ryepaw, who was somewhat nice to me when he was in a good mood, was obviously not in one. He was looking at me with deep annoyance in his gaze, meanwhile Amberheart was ignoring him and looking at me, confused.
"What is it, Sunpaw?" She asked, "And where's Goldenstar?"
"He's just in the clearing back there, we saw-- smelled-- a badger," I said hurriedly.
"What?!" Amberheart looked even more agitated. She turned to Ryepaw. "Go alert the camp, get some of the senior warriors and get them over here, as fast as you can!" Ryepaw nodded and sprinted off into the forest. I had to admire his speed. He was one of the fastest in the Clan, the best at our races when we were kits. I knew that even if I wasn't allowed to join them. Amberheart flicked her tail in agitation and bounded over to where Goldenstar was; I trotted after her.
Goldenstar was pacing the clearing. "Amberheart!" he said, obviously joyed that she had come, (should be a . ) "There's a badger on the territory and we need--"
"I know, Sunpaw's just explained it to me," she interrupted. "Ryepaw's going to get the senior warriors; now where's this badger?"
Goldenstar looked both alarmed and pleased that I'd taken the time to explain. "I haven't seen it yet, but I think it's made a den by the Sandy Hollow," he replied, turning and trotting into the forest. Amberheart followed him, and they began discussing in low tones. They appeared to have forgotten about me.
Not unusual. One time, when I was barely a moon old, we had finally been let out of the nursery. Soon after it had started raining. We were all in various hiding places, having been in the middle of a game of hide-and-seek, and I had been behind the warrior's (should be possessive instead of plural) den. I remember hearing them calling the kits in, and I thought it was a joke, you know, why postpone a perfectly good game of hide-and-seek because of the wet stuff falling from the sky? I had actually thought that the kits had gotten Blossomnose and Fallowtail in on the game, and she was just tricking us to get us to come out.
I specifically remember hearing Blossomnose say, “Ryekit, Autumnkit, Fernkit, Volekit, all the kits are here and accounted for.” This was before Fallowtail had had her own kits, but she was still confined to the nursery and looked after all the kits. And all of them had forgotten about me. I had lain in the cold, wet rain for at least an hour before Stonestep had the decency to wonder what that sneezing noise was coming from behind the den.
After that, I had been stuck in the medicine den for three days, being treated for minor whitecough. None of the cats noticed.
Shows how nice my Clan is, huh?
I trotted after the two LionClan warriors, who had stopped now behind a bramble bush. They had gone silent. I padded silently over in my best hunter's crouch, trying to keep quiet. Amberheart glanced at me, amused, before turning back to peer through a hole in the brush. I poked my head under, spotting short, fat dark brown legs, obviously the badger's. It was making strange, snorting, snuffly noises. I could see a small dark patch outlined against the base of a tree at the edge of the hollow; this I guessed to be the badger's den.
There was a rustling behind us as the senior warriors approached. Stonestep, Kestrelsong, Rabbitfoot, Blossomnose, Breezewhisker, and Littletail had all come to help, followed by Ryepaw, Volepaw, and Autumnpaw. Birchleaf and Fernpaw were lurking in the background, ready with herbs.
"It seems you've summoned the whole camp," Goldenstar chuckled quietly, then began explaining the battle plan. Four groups of cats would be attacking; one on each side, with two warriors and one apprentice in each group. Birchleaf and Fernpaw were to stay away from the battle. (Goldenstar glared at Ryepaw as he said this; he did not think it was right for medicine cats to be in the middle of battle and disapproved that he had told her to come) All this had taken about five minutes to explain, or twenty paces around the Sandy Hollow for the lumbering badger. Two more paces later, and everyone was in their positions.
I stood, stock-still, by Goldenstar's side, waiting for the attack. A battle with a badger on the first day of my apprenticeship, any kit would give their right paw for such excitement. I, however, was feeling queasy and nervous, and would have given my right paw to be anywhere else but the place of the coming battle. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves; Goldenstar gave me a reassuring glance. "Stay out of the way as much as possible," he whispered out of the corner of his mouth, as quietly as possible (saying "whispered" already tells the reader he is being quiet. plus this is repetitive use of the word "possible"), (should be .) "You shouldn't even be in battle, anyway." I smiled weakly and he nodded to me, turning back to face the badger.
As the badger in question completed yet another pace of the gritty ground in front of it's (this means "it is", you mean "its") den, Goldenstar gave the signal. With a flick of his tail, the warriors all in hiding leapt out, encircling the badger. It bellowed and slashed at the cats, who slashed back. One cat would jump forward, give the badger a deep cut, and leap back before the badger could retaliate. It was, I felt, not needed to have this many warriors fighting the badger. Most of the cats stayed back anyway.
My thoughts were disrupted as the ground burst open underneath the tree where the den was. Three nearly fully grown baby badgers leapt out of the den with a shower of sand. The odds were quickly turned against us. I may or may not have let out an undignified whimpering noise as it happened. Goldenstar turned, grabbed me by the scruff, and threw me into the bramble bush before promptly turning back around to go and fight the biggest badger. And even though I knew it was for my own good, it still hurt. Both the brambles and the fact that he didn't trust me to defend myself.
I cowered under the bush, watching the battle rage. Goldenstar, Amberheart, and Littletail were all battling the biggest badger. Blossomnose, Stonestep, and Kestrelsong were battling one of the younger badgers; the apprentices and Rabbitfoot had taken on the other. Hadn't there been four badgers? I looked around the hollow, confused as to where it could be. Suddenly I heard a noise behind me. I slowly turned around.
The missing badger was no longer missing. It had found me.
NOTES
OVERALL -- I am very impressed with your writing! There weren't too many errors, and the ones I found were minor enough that they didn't disrupt the story. You have a wonderfully unique voice and writing style that hooked me from the beginning. The length of your chapters is very good as well.
PLOT -- I was a little worried when reading the description because the general idea is pretty cliche: an outsider with only one friend (who happens to be pretty). But I was pleasantly surprised. While the basic idea is fairly used, you managed to give it your own twists. There were times when it seemed like you were dropping too many hints at once (prophecy? they know something he doesn't?) but they were still vague enough to keep the reader guessing. I would suggest spreading it out a bit more, though I understand feeling the need to describe the whole situation from the beginning.
CHARACTERS -- Again, they are tried and true. I'd really like to see some further development of Petalkit, Goldenstar, and Autumnpaw that break them from their tropes a bit. Same goes for Sunpaw. His mopey-ness gets a little overwhelming at times, and I thought it was ironic that he considered LionClan to be full of "noble warriors" when they're all so awful to him. Part of this might just come from the fact that you're just starting out. I would assume they'll all develop more as the story progresses. I would kind of expect a character in Sunpaw's position to be more self-deprecating than self-pitying, but you definitely made it work for him. I am in LOVE with Sunpaw's voice, though, you do an amazing job of expressing his personality and keeping it consistent throughout the writing.
DESCRIPTION -- Not a lot to say here, you're doing a really good job. Not too much, not too little. I could picture the characters and setting clearly without being overwhelmed with details. Well done!
MISC -- Your page itself is nice as well, similar to your description: eye-catching, but not overwhelming. For future reference: "Clan" should be capitalized, and "medicine cat" is not. Keep up the good work c:
|
|
|
|
Post by кєѕтяєℓ on Aug 13, 2016 19:38:43 GMT -5
I'm really glad you like it! I'd been looking for professional advice(ish) because my sister always says, "It's great!" And most of my errors are bad habits. I hardly ever capitalize clan (I don't know why). I have a few questions, (Feel free to answer all of them, some of them, or none of them) : 1. Is it possible that you could highlight the parts where he's being self-pitying? (And is it a bad thing he does that?) 2. What would you say I should add or take out from the story? You said that it's kind of cliche, how could I change that? 3. How would I develop Petalkit, Goldenstar, and Autumnpaw? As a member of Lionclan--Lion Clan, sorry--Sunpaw looks up to Goldenstar, and so perceives him as great and faultless. As it is from his point of view, I do find it hard to add any different descriptions of him (yet, at least). Petalkit is bouncy and optimistic, and Autumnpaw stereotypes cats and is negative (mostly). 4. How could I make Sunpaw. . . not mopey? As the most looked-down upon member of the Clan, it's hard for him not to be mopey. Where are the spots that I could add something/take something away to make him seem less mopey?Thank you for looking through my story! Again, I'm happy you liked the story and were able to offer some advice, it's really helpful.  |
|
|
|
Post by Dewstripe on Aug 13, 2016 22:18:38 GMT -5
Looking for more details, I appreciate that. Shows dedication. I am by no means a professional, so take my ideas with a grain of salt.
1. The self-pitying is only a bad thing if he remains that way. Like I said, I would expect him to be more self-deprecating (agreeing with the things said about him, rather than acknowledging that it's wrong). The self-pitying comes in more with Sunpaw's own personal spunk. The fact that he says "if anything, they were too rough with me, as I was smaller than they were" shows that he still values himself highly, even though his Clanmates do not. Usually, especially at such a young age, someone in Sunpaw's position would eventually start to agree with his tormentors. If he is only ever told he's worthless, he wouldn't think any other way. The key words here, though, is usually. The inclusion of Petalkit as a friend, and Goldenstar's lack of hatred for him does give enough of an explanation as to why he does have some form of self-esteem.
2. The cliche-ness of the story isn't really easy to take out of the story as a whole. And it's also important to note that "cliche" isn't always a bad thing. Tropes exist for a reason: it's because they're effective. Sunpaw's story actually reminds me a lot of Firestar, but much more extreme. This is only a problem if the story becomes too predictable. No one likes to read a story if they can already tell what the ending will be. You're still plenty early enough that it's hard to say whether the whole story will be "cliche" or if it only starts out that way. It's up to you. Only you know the direction you want to take the story. As long as you manage to surprise the reader along the way, I think you'll be just fine. Tropes can even be helpful when used the right way. (more on that below)
3. Your story is still in its early stages, so now is the time you need to be aware of what tropes you're using. Idolizing Goldenstar is perfectly fine. In fact, I would even encourage it. You just need to ensure that Goldenstar does have faults, even if Sunpaw doesn't pick up on them. For example, Goldenstar could make a decision, or say something, or do something that the reader can tell is wrong, even while Sunpaw agrees with him as our narrator. I'm sure you've heard it a million times, but the key to this is: show not tell. A cat's actions can tell the reader things even if Sunpaw doesn't pick up on it. Petalkit and Autumnpaw both have a lot of potential, but with their introductions, you're bordering on Mary-sueness. (A Mary-sue can also be applied to villains that are too villainous.) I agree that it can be challenging to show the other sides of characters when your narrator has very specific opinions. If Petalkit is always nice to Sunpaw and they fall hopelessly in love, that's a problem. If they get into a disagreement (or some other bump along the road occurs) then it becomes believable. As the author, it's important for you to know the motives of all of your characters from the very beginning. Obviously, Autumnpaw's motive isn't just to be mean. Knowing how she got to be that way will help you write her as a more dimensional character. (Sorry that I'm kind of rambling, it's difficult to give advice without knowing the direction you want to take the story)
4. Mopey-ness. Oh boy. This is very tricky because Sunpaw definitely should be mopey. He has every right to be mopey. The hard part is presenting that mopey-ness in the best way possible. Really, the problem isn't the amount of his moping, it's the placement. It's a little inconsistent at times. He flips back and forth between 'oh my goodness my life sucks isn't everything awful' to being his sassy self. Rather than presenting the reader with paragraphs of sadness at a time, it might be better to make subtle references throughout. For your first two chapters, it isn't such a big deal because it's introductory stuff. I know this is almost the opposite of what I said earlier, but if anything you could use more mopey-ness, as long as you do it subtly. It's important for you to be consistent for the duration of the story with his treatment and how it affects him. Again, hard for me to be helpful without knowing how the story will progress because the plot kinda affects the amount of mopey-ness that Sunpaw should express. (Re-reading what I just wrote: this is a disaster of an explanation and I am very sorry for that cx)
|
|
|
|
Post by » ѕнαdσω ⚔️ on Aug 13, 2016 23:04:19 GMT -5
that was me c; and wow, you using the word "legendary" means a lot considering that you, in fact, are legendary. and honestly don't worry about length. I really enjoy editing, and I'm not exactly expecting many mistakes from you anyway. And no problem Minty! Hope it was helpful, let me know if you have questions about anything. "Fight for Life". That is what it was called right? I remember freaking out when you came and commented on Curse in the first few months of having it up. It meant a lot to me that you liked it. ^^' D'aww stop it now! x'D The only way I'm "legendary" is because of the many loyal readers who made me so. Couldn't have done it all without them. <3 You would be surprised. :'P Alright well I'll give you the first five chapters. I'll go fill out a form! |
|
|
|
Post by mintedstar/fur on Aug 13, 2016 23:08:22 GMT -5
Just finished with changing everything for my first five chapters and I noticed something. You correct Thunderclan to read ThunderClan ect. In the Warrior series it's spelled Thunderclan, so that's what most people use and expect to see. I'm just pointing this out, not complaining. Your editing really made sense. Thank you for your help. |
|
|
|
Post by mintedstar/fur on Aug 13, 2016 23:09:36 GMT -5
Username: mintedstar/fur Package: Style or Advanced if you have the time. Length of Request: Chapters 6-9 Request: www.wcrpforums.com/thread/2010/chap-9 |
|
|
|
§Moonwing§
I was §Moonwing§ on the original forums!
|
Post by §Moonwing§ on Aug 14, 2016 1:30:35 GMT -5
I'll get right to it Kestrel! Yeah, it's a nickname one of my friends came up with a while back. Depends. If you want the advanced package, it's easier with more work at once, but with the basics or style, one chapter at a time is perfectly fine Got it! I'll do an advanced one after I get a decent amount, then. Thank you! |
|
|
|
Post by Dewstripe on Aug 14, 2016 16:07:21 GMT -5
The waitlist is now updated, thanks everyone!
Minty, "Clan" is capitalized in the actual books. That's the reason I corrected it.
and Shadow, I totally know the feeling. Sometimes the 'popularity' felt more like luck than skill tbh, but it definitely motivated me to write even better.
|
|
|
|
Post by mintedstar/fur on Aug 15, 2016 13:08:15 GMT -5
Ooops. You are correct.  Please accept my apology. |
|
|
|
Post by Dewstripe on Aug 15, 2016 13:39:20 GMT -5
No worries! I actually see it happen all the time, so you're absolutely not alone.
|
|
|
|
Post by Dewstripe on Aug 20, 2016 11:48:59 GMT -5
Sorry for my unannounced disappearance, I was on vacation. Minted's edit is almost done, and I'll get to work on the rest ASAP
|
|
|
|
Post by Dewstripe on Aug 20, 2016 15:43:38 GMT -5
mintedstar/fur -- here's chapters 6 - 9!
sorry for the delay! the first time I did it my computer ****zed right before I finished, so I had to start completely over. hopefully I didn't miss anything on the second look-through
Red = spelling/grammar error
Orange = unnecessary word/punctuation
Yellow = explanation
Green = tense error
Teal = missing word/punctuation
Pink = other
CHAPTER SIX
Well, you can (should be "could") say that the meeting was chaos, but that was ("would be") too generous.
I was walking next to Heron for most of the time, but at some point, I was separated from her and was pushed into the crowd.
The meeting was held in an old, abandoned twoleg den. It had holes in the walls that showed the timber and long thin vine things that Heron called wires, the (would flow better as two sentences: "wires. The") whole den looked gutted.
I noticed two things as I was shuffled this way and that, the first thing were ("was") that if these rogues ever got together and attacked a Clan they would have a pretty good chance of defeating them, the second thing was that this was unlikely because all of them seem to be fighting against everyone else. (this is a very long, awkward sentence. you could split it into three) It was pandemonium.
A white she-cat hissed at me as I stepped on her tail. “Back off Mister, this is my spot.” I rolled my eyes, but continued on my way.
Cats of all shapes and sizes walked, ran, or pushed each other around the den. Some ‘rooms’ (to use another of Heron’s words) were filled of (should be "with") cats, others were almost deserted. There really seemed to be no point to the whole thing. No leaders were giving speeches and no one seemed to be worrying about peace.
Suddenly Heron appeared alongside me, another cat, a white and black tom, following her. Heron seemed perfectly at ease at this meeting and the small fights that were taking place around us. One pair of hissing cats passed by us and I flinched, my claws unsheathing, but she seemed to hardly bat and eyelid.
“This is my brother Owl,” she said, introducing the black and white tom. The tom (repetitive, could just say "he") nodded at me, but it only seemed halfhearted and his mind was obviously somewhere else.
“You haven’t seen a ginger tom with amber-red eyes around here have you?” he asked, sounding a little on edge.
I shrugged, (should be a . "shrugged" isn't a "said" word, so it shouldn't be a part of the same sentence as the dialogue) “I wasn’t paying much attention, but no, I don’t think so. But if you’re looking for a white she-cat that hisses at you and calls you 'mister,' then I’ve seen her.”
Heron chuckled, (same as with "shrugged") “You mean Thistle? She’s a little touchy about her space, I’m surprised that you got away with most of your fur.”
I shrugged again, (again, should be a .) “She was a little angry, but besides that she seemed okay.”
///NOTE: three sentences in a row with the exact same structure. You should change at least one of them
I stepped around a pair of resting (doesn't make sense for the context.. did you mean "wrestling"?) cats, at least these two seemed to be doing it for fun verse (did you mean "versus"?) territory disputes.
“Anyway,” said Heron. “I think you should meet Soot. He’s someone I think you’ll like.” She was smiling all the time as she said it, as if meeting another rogue was the greatest thing that could happen to me.
“Okay,” I said, not really caring if she wanted me to meet someone.
Heron lead (incorrect verb form. should be "led") me through the mess of cats and Owl went off to find the ginger tom, who he said was called Moth. Heron smiled after him and said she would see him around. Owl nodded absentmindedly and walked off, leaving us to traverse the twoleg den alone.
Heron led me up a flight of stairs and into a long hallway. Fewer cats were up here and it was easier to walk around then (wrong "then," should be "than") it had been downstairs. A group of three cats rushed past us and down the stairs. As Heron turned into another room I noticed that light was shining in through a hole in the roof. Heron looked around the room, up at a soft thin (thin what..? or did you mean "thing"?) in one corner and into another room that was a lot smaller than any I had seen before.
“He’s not here yet,” she said as she came out of the small room with a puzzled look. “He’s usually around about-”
“Are you looking for me?” asked a tom’s voice behind me.
I stiffed ("stiffened") as I recognized the voice. But it couldn’t be. It was impossible.
I slowly turned to look at the gray tom. He smiled at me and I realized that it was just like the smile that I knew from my Clan.
“But…but…how?” I gasped at the tom. “You can’t be. You can’t be Ashfur. I killed you.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
We were both watching Molepaw and Ratscar’s fight, waiting for another cat to come to his rescue, but no cat was free. Brackenfur was still trying to get to him, and Whitewing, who had also noticed, was trying to reach him. (awkward sentence. possible alternative: "Brackenfur and Whitewing, who had also noticed, were trying to reach him.") However, she was fighting a skilled ginger tom and was unable to get very close to Ratscar.
Molepaw was now bleeding from both ears and a nasty scratch ran across one eye. He was breathing hard, beaten, but still trying his hardest to stay away from Ratscar’s claws. Every so often Molepaw’s swift dodging would pay off with a scratch or bite that would make Ratscar pause in pain for just a second. But Ratscar’s wounds caused far more harm and his blows landed far more often than Molepaw’s. The fight was almost over and everyone could see it.
Ratscar was smiling just a little as he landed another blow on Molepaw’s flank. “Retreat kit. Go back to your mommy.”
“Never,” gasped Molepaw as he ducked under Ratscar, trying to claw at his belly. Ratscar just laughed and jumped away before even a claw touched him.
“What in StarClan’s name is he doing?” gasped Cherrypaw, almost unable to watch. “Why doesn’t he run?”
My fur was standing on edge and I was about to rush out when Whitewing broke away from the ginger tom long enough to call to us, “Stay there kits! Don’t move!”
Cherrypaw shuffled to stand beside me, (should be ".") “We aren’t kits,” she whispered to me. “We can’t just stand here and watch Molepaw get hurt.”
“I know that,” I replied, studying Ratscar’s moves even as Molepaw stumbled. “Molepaw’s so stubborn that he won’t retreat unless he’s dragged out of there. But how can we get to them? We’ll get attacked as soon as we go out there.”
Molepaw was who my eyes strayed to the most, but I was also looking around at the fighting cats. Where was Whitefire? I had heard her before the battle started, but she wasn’t here now. Could there by anyway (confused word, should be "any way." ask if you want me to clarify the difference) she could help us?
“I can’t wait anymore,” growled Cherrypaw, shuffling back to get a running start. “I’ll just rush out there and hope that I make it to Molepaw.”
I looked at her, worry crossing my face. I knew we had to do something but running in like this didn’t feel right. It wasn’t going to be possible to reach Molepaw, and even if the impossible suddenly turned possible I knew we wouldn’t be a match against a seasoned warrior.
But it turned out that our rescue attempted wouldn’t be necessary.
“ShadowClan, retreat!” the call went out. Ratscar broke away from Molepaw, who almost collapsed as soon Ratscar turned his back to sprint out of the camp.
“What?” said the shocked Cherrypaw. I was also staring with amazement as ShadowClan just… left.
“But, but,” stuttered Cherrypaw. “They were winning! Why did they just leave like that?”
“I don’t know,” I said, but I was too distracted by Molepaw to wonder more.
Molepaw had collapsed now, blood pooling under him from a belly wound.
Whitewing, free of her attacker, turned to look at him. She had been watching the fleeing cats and had seemed to have forgotten the cat she had been trying to get to for most of the battle. When she saw him she called out to Jayfeather, who also had some scratches and bite marks from the battle but was otherwise unhurt.
Jayfeather can (did you mean "came"?) bounding over from the other side of camp, where he had been attending to a bad shoulder wound that Sandstorm had gotten.
His blind eyes scanned over everything as if he could really see what was happening. He brushed a paw over Molepaw’s pelt before he said, “Whitewing, Ivypool, carry him to my den. Try not to move him too much. I also need as much moss as you can find, I’m running low on cobwebs.”
Ivypool, who had been fighting out of Cherrypaw's and my ("Cherrypaw and I's") view, came forward and picked Molepaw up gently by the scruff. He was still very small, so Whitewing and Ivypool could move him with ease. I carefully stepped out from under highledge, Cherrypaw close behind. Jayfeather turned his blind eyes on my (did you mean "me"?) as he started to walk back to his den. His gaze seemed to burn through me and I shivered. He seemed (repetitive) to expect one of us to say something but all we did was lower our gaze from his.
When I looked down at the blood-stained floor of ThunderClan’s camp I realized that my claws were drawn. Blood was spattered ever so lightly on them and I closed my eyes, shuddering as a half-remembered dream from long ago crossed my mind.
A dream of a battle that had ended in death.
CHAPTER EIGHT
The (becomes a repetitive sentence. Maybe replace "the" with "this") cat was the spitting image of the cat I hated. He was the cat that wished to destroy my live (confused word: "life")… and had succeeded. I could blame him for every pain in my paw and ear that were the emblems of my shame.
I’d lost my family because of him, my Clan because of him, and yet here he stood. Whole and healthy to my weak and broken.
Was this an illusion? A product of a sick mind? Had I conjured him up out of guilt or fear?
Heron was looking at me in confusion and her ears were laded back in worry at the fear that radiated off me. Soot (or was it truly Ashfur?) seemed unmoved at my terror. He turned his head to me with those familiar blue eyes and dark gray nose and seemed to find my confession to being a murderer no surprise at all.
“Is that who you see when you look at me?” he asks. ("asked")
I don’t ("didn't") understand the question and am ("was") to (wrong "to." Should be "too") tongue-tide (wrong "tide," should be "tied") to say anything anyway.
Heron sits down in the patch of light from the hole in the roof and seems content to let me wallow in my feelings. She still seems (wrong tense, should be "seemed." Also repetitive, could be replaced with ""appeared" or "looked") confused, but this confusion is directed at my reaction, not my words.
Soot sits down in the more (should be "a more" or just "the") shaded area of the room and seems to relax more, if that was possible.
“You may not understand this…?” He (should be capitalized because of the same "shrugged" logic: not a "said" word so it's not a part of the same sentence) looked to Heron for help, the first time I’d ever seen him look at her with anything other than a calm and collected gaze.
“Black-fire,” supplied Heron, understanding that Soot was asking for my name.
“You may not understand this, Black-fire,” said Soot. “But I look like no cat. I have not the faintest idea who you see when you look at me. All I know is that you will see the cat you hate the most, or the cat that has hurt you the most. It is both my curse and my protection.”
Heron nodded her head, it was clear she already knew this.
“Sorry I didn’t realize it sooner, Blacky,” Heron said, using my nickname in the hope it may calm me down. “I’ve been around him so much I’ve started to think of it as normal and every day.”
Soot shrugged his shoulders and light flashed off the moving fur, (".") “I do not know who this ‘Ashfur’ was to you. But it is clear that the sight of him pains you.”
This was stated, and the statement held no feeling, no curiosity, no blame, and no sympathy. He held no fault against me and wasn’t prepared to start. Yet he seemed unconcerned about whose face he wore.
If this cat ever came to my Clan, what cats would my Clanmates see?
The answers came to mind: Tigerstar, Brokenstar, Sol, an enemy ShadowClan cat, or maybe even one of their own Clanmates.
Soot was dangerous, if only because he could impersonate others.
And suddenly new ideas blossomed in my mind. Ideas that could hold keys to the safety of the future. It was the one time I had thought about my Clanmates, about a way I could help them.
I knew about the Dark Forest and the fight that was coming. Soot could take the form of a cat’s worst enemy, or a cat they hated. He was a detraction ("distraction"?), diversion. He was an asset.
He can incapacitate me, Hollyleaf, Ashfur’s killer, by the pure shock of seeing who I killed alive again. If a Dark Forest cat, in the up-coming battle, saw him, who might they see?
Maybe I’d finally seen a way to bring help to my family. Maybe it was even a silent plea for forgiveness…
CHAPTER NINE
I was shaken awake by Poppyfrost just as the sun crested the edge of camp. Last night both I and Cherrypaw (might flow a little better as "Cherrypaw and I") had waited outside of the medicine cat den long after all other warriors had gone back to their dens to lick their wounds. We waited to hear about Molepaw, hoping he would be okay.
But the moon was high in the sky before a very tired Jayfeather had stumbled out of his den saying he had done all he could. How I had gotten to sleep after that only StarClan knew.
As I opened my eyes an already awake Cherrypaw could be viewed outside the apprentices' day ("den"?). Her eyes looked droopy and you could tell she had been up most of the night, even when Jayfeather had sent us to our new dens. Her ears were down and her tail trailed listlessly on the sandy floor. The early morning light couldn’t hide the sparkle of tears on her fur.
Poppyfrost eyes were red as she led us to Jayfeather’s den. She too had been crying. A hard stone lodged in my throat as I entered the medicine den, already prepared for the worst. Knowing that my family must already know the news of what had happened to my brother.
I was not disappointed. Jayfeather, even more tired-looking then (wrong "then," should be "than") Cherrypaw, was waiting for us at the entrance. His eyes were downcast and he delivered the bad news with a crack in an already hoarse voice.
“At about dawn this morning Molepaw died from his wounds. He died in his sleep, poppy seeds dulled any pain he may have felt, and he want ("went") to StarClan easily. There was nothing I could do. Your son was a brave warrior, Poppyfrost. I am so sorry.”
His head bent, but I didn’t hear if he said anything more. For the first time since the battle, maybe the first time in my life, a rage filled me from ears to tail tip, clouding both my eyes and my head in a red fog. My legs shook with the grief of losing my brother, but my head was only filled with the battle with Ratscar. How he had battered and injured my brother so much that he had died. I howled a silent howl of grief and pain. I didn’t even realize that my claws were out until the haze cleared from my eyes. Why the rage had suddenly taken a backseat was made clear as my ears registered the gasps and even the screams from my Clanmates. But the gasps were not directed at the death of my brother, but at the entrance to camp.
I turned my eyes to where they were all looking. Was ShadowClan back? Here to attack us again?
I kept my claws out, ready to fight this time, ready to avenge my brother. And my gaze did fall on a ShadowClan cat. Ratscar. However, the cat that stood next to him shocked me out of any act of violence I might have made next.
“Whatever you may see!” cried out Whitefire to my Clan, and I could tell they could hear her every word. “Whatever you may see in our faces is an illusion!”
NOTES
PLOT -- The switching back and forth between the chapters was confusing at first, but it's started to grow on me. The plot is pretty mysterious, and kinda hard to follow sometimes, but not necessarily in a bad way. You definitely leave readers guessing, and wanting to know more.
CHARACTERS -- Because your chapters are pretty short, so the reader doesn't get much of a chance to get to know your characters. When you do give character descriptions, they are well done. I was very pleased with how consistent you were in the personalities of your characters. Giving each character unique traits and keeping them throughout is less common than you'd think. I would definitely suggest adding MORE character description, though. Physically you don't have a problem. What you need is more descriptions (or better yet, hints) of your characters' personalities. This is especially important with showing differences in the main character(s) during the different time periods...
DESCRIPTION -- The descriptions you do include are very good. When you describe the cats and their surroundings, it is beautifully vivid and detailed. The problem is that you don't do it enough. An easy solution to your short chapters is to add some more description. Little details really help your reader to become absorbed in the world of your story. Mention the sights, the sounds, the smells, or even taste and feeling when applicable. Don't do this all at once, though. Sprinkle more details in throughout the story as you go. Make sure that the what you are picturing as the writer is clear for the reader. Help them to realize your vision. Lastly, remember to show not tell. (Cheesy, yes, but it's very true.) For example, instead of telling the reader that "they could hear her every word," you could show them how Hollypaw knows this. Describe the shocked looks on their faces, or their gasps of surprise.
|
|
Please accept my apology.