Post by Brambleshadow on Aug 10, 2016 19:38:00 GMT -5
Warning: Here there be crack!fic. Read at your own peril. (Also, this is super old.)
Jayfeather padded across the ThunderClan camp to the thorn tunnel to collect herbs. He was low on a few and, besides, he needed to stock up for leaf-bare. The blind gray tabby tom headed towards the abandoned Twoleg nest to collect catmint. This precious herb was the only cure for the deadly greencough.
He was almost at the nest when he was stopped by a voice.
"Hey, there."
The ThunderClan medicine cat froze and whipped around in the direction of the voice. He tasted the air, but could only scent plants. "Who's there?" he asked, confused.
"What do you mean?" the voice replied, then realized, "You're blind?"
"Well, of course I'm blind," Jayfeather snapped. "If I were, would I be asking who's talking to me?"
"Good point," the voice conceded. "I'm Audrey Two."
Jayfeather felt a vine wrap around his right forepaw and shake it. "Great StarClan! You're a plant?" he exclaimed incredulously.
"That's right. Now, feed me!" the plant demanded.
"You're kidding, right? I don't even know what you eat!" Jayfeather's fur bristled. "Look, I have to go collect catmint for my supplies."
"Why? You're a cat."
"Actually, I'm the ThunderClan medicine cat."
"ThunderClan? What the heck is ThunderClan?"
How can you not know what ThunderClan is? Jayfeather thought. He answered, "ThunderClan is one of the four Clans of wild cats that live here by the lake."
"Oh. Well, do whatever you were going to do and I'll wait here. As for what I eat . . . Well, we'll get to that later."
"Okay. See you later, Audrey Two," Jayfeather meowed, padding away to collect his catmint.
When it was nearly sunhigh, Jayfeather returned to camp, stored his catmint, and trotted out of the thorn tunnel again to where Audrey Two was waiting.
"So, what is it you eat?" he asked, sitting down and wrapping his tail over his front paws.
The plant sat back and cocked its head, looking at the gray tabby tom. It was a bit disconcerting how the cat looked right at him, even though he was blind. How to break it to him . . . Finally, he came to a decision.
"It must be blood. It must be fresh."
Jayfeather looked queasy - and as a medicine cat, he had healed lots of wounds inflicted by battling warriors. "I don't want to hear this," the ThunderClan medicine cat mewed.
"Feed me. Feed me. Feed me.! Feed me, Jayfeather. Feed me all night long.
"That's right, boy. You can do it! Feed me, Jayfeather. Feed me all night long! 'Cause if you feed me, Jay, I can grow up big and strong."
"Don't be ridiculous," Jayfeather snorted. "I'm out of here. Besides, you're a plant, an inanimate object."
The words had barely left his mouth when he felt a vine wrap around him, lift him into the air, and bring him closer. He let out a startled yowl and started raking the plant with his claws, lashing out with paws and teeth.
"Does this look inanimate to you, punk?" Audrey II demanded. "Er, sorry," he added, realizing his mistake. "But if I can talk, and I can move, then who's to say I can't do anything I want?"
"Like what?" Jayfeather asked, hoping the crazy plant would let him down. As soon as it did, he would make a break back to camp and let the whole Clan know there was a sadistic plant on their territory.
"Like deliverin', pal," Audrey Two replied. "Ow! Like seeing you get everything your secret, greasy heart desires!" He set Jayfeather down and prodded him gently with a vine.
Jayfeather hissed. "What in the name of StarClan did you do that for?"
"Because I felt like it."
Great StarClan! Jayfeather thought. Who would've thought plants had an attitude? He smoothed down his ruffled fur and bolted away towards the camp. leaving the plant .
"Firestar!" he yowled, skidding to a halt inside the barrier.
Firestar and Sandstorm sat up from where they were sharing tongues on Highledge and bounded down the rocks. Firestar asked, "What is it, Jayfeather?"
Jayfeather managed to gasp out his story, altough it sounded like, "Evil . . . plant . . . singing . . . eats blood . . . on territory . . . near Twoleg nest . . ." He felt their rising horror.
"Please tell me you're joking," Sandstorm meowed.
"I'm not."
Meanwhile, Audrey Two had gotten bored. He decided to move elsewhere, maybe go onto the moor. From what he heard, there was this one black cat who was being trained by dead cats - although he had no idea where he had heard it. Maybe it was in a book . . .
He shook his head and started inching his way towards the moor (a.k.a. WindClan territory) when a yowl split the air: "ThunderClan, attack!"
Nice. It's suppertime!
Sadly, instead of attacking and giving him fresh meat, the Clan of cats surrounded him, driving him backward. Suddenly, there was nothing beneath him and he was falling . . .
"Noooo! Come on, man, I was joking!" Audrey II desperately reached of a hold, but there was nothing to grab on to, then water was surrounding him . . .
Well, this sucks. On the bright side, I can always see Audrey again . . . or I can always terrorize people. Descions, descions.
Of course, everything went black as he sank deeper into the lake, away from sunlight and his main food source: human blood (and cats, in this case).
Feed Me!
a Warriors/Little Shop of Horrors crossover
a Warriors/Little Shop of Horrors crossover
Jayfeather padded across the ThunderClan camp to the thorn tunnel to collect herbs. He was low on a few and, besides, he needed to stock up for leaf-bare. The blind gray tabby tom headed towards the abandoned Twoleg nest to collect catmint. This precious herb was the only cure for the deadly greencough.
He was almost at the nest when he was stopped by a voice.
"Hey, there."
The ThunderClan medicine cat froze and whipped around in the direction of the voice. He tasted the air, but could only scent plants. "Who's there?" he asked, confused.
"What do you mean?" the voice replied, then realized, "You're blind?"
"Well, of course I'm blind," Jayfeather snapped. "If I were, would I be asking who's talking to me?"
"Good point," the voice conceded. "I'm Audrey Two."
Jayfeather felt a vine wrap around his right forepaw and shake it. "Great StarClan! You're a plant?" he exclaimed incredulously.
"That's right. Now, feed me!" the plant demanded.
"You're kidding, right? I don't even know what you eat!" Jayfeather's fur bristled. "Look, I have to go collect catmint for my supplies."
"Why? You're a cat."
"Actually, I'm the ThunderClan medicine cat."
"ThunderClan? What the heck is ThunderClan?"
How can you not know what ThunderClan is? Jayfeather thought. He answered, "ThunderClan is one of the four Clans of wild cats that live here by the lake."
"Oh. Well, do whatever you were going to do and I'll wait here. As for what I eat . . . Well, we'll get to that later."
"Okay. See you later, Audrey Two," Jayfeather meowed, padding away to collect his catmint.
When it was nearly sunhigh, Jayfeather returned to camp, stored his catmint, and trotted out of the thorn tunnel again to where Audrey Two was waiting.
"So, what is it you eat?" he asked, sitting down and wrapping his tail over his front paws.
The plant sat back and cocked its head, looking at the gray tabby tom. It was a bit disconcerting how the cat looked right at him, even though he was blind. How to break it to him . . . Finally, he came to a decision.
"It must be blood. It must be fresh."
Jayfeather looked queasy - and as a medicine cat, he had healed lots of wounds inflicted by battling warriors. "I don't want to hear this," the ThunderClan medicine cat mewed.
"Feed me. Feed me. Feed me.! Feed me, Jayfeather. Feed me all night long.
"That's right, boy. You can do it! Feed me, Jayfeather. Feed me all night long! 'Cause if you feed me, Jay, I can grow up big and strong."
"Don't be ridiculous," Jayfeather snorted. "I'm out of here. Besides, you're a plant, an inanimate object."
The words had barely left his mouth when he felt a vine wrap around him, lift him into the air, and bring him closer. He let out a startled yowl and started raking the plant with his claws, lashing out with paws and teeth.
"Does this look inanimate to you, punk?" Audrey II demanded. "Er, sorry," he added, realizing his mistake. "But if I can talk, and I can move, then who's to say I can't do anything I want?"
"Like what?" Jayfeather asked, hoping the crazy plant would let him down. As soon as it did, he would make a break back to camp and let the whole Clan know there was a sadistic plant on their territory.
"Like deliverin', pal," Audrey Two replied. "Ow! Like seeing you get everything your secret, greasy heart desires!" He set Jayfeather down and prodded him gently with a vine.
Jayfeather hissed. "What in the name of StarClan did you do that for?"
"Because I felt like it."
Great StarClan! Jayfeather thought. Who would've thought plants had an attitude? He smoothed down his ruffled fur and bolted away towards the camp. leaving the plant .
"Firestar!" he yowled, skidding to a halt inside the barrier.
Firestar and Sandstorm sat up from where they were sharing tongues on Highledge and bounded down the rocks. Firestar asked, "What is it, Jayfeather?"
Jayfeather managed to gasp out his story, altough it sounded like, "Evil . . . plant . . . singing . . . eats blood . . . on territory . . . near Twoleg nest . . ." He felt their rising horror.
"Please tell me you're joking," Sandstorm meowed.
"I'm not."
* * *
Meanwhile, Audrey Two had gotten bored. He decided to move elsewhere, maybe go onto the moor. From what he heard, there was this one black cat who was being trained by dead cats - although he had no idea where he had heard it. Maybe it was in a book . . .
He shook his head and started inching his way towards the moor (a.k.a. WindClan territory) when a yowl split the air: "ThunderClan, attack!"
Nice. It's suppertime!
Sadly, instead of attacking and giving him fresh meat, the Clan of cats surrounded him, driving him backward. Suddenly, there was nothing beneath him and he was falling . . .
"Noooo! Come on, man, I was joking!" Audrey II desperately reached of a hold, but there was nothing to grab on to, then water was surrounding him . . .
Well, this sucks. On the bright side, I can always see Audrey again . . . or I can always terrorize people. Descions, descions.
Of course, everything went black as he sank deeper into the lake, away from sunlight and his main food source: human blood (and cats, in this case).
