~Survivors of Fire and Blood~ Prologue up Five cat challenge

[~Ghost Writer~]

I'm back from the dead :)

Pronouns: She/her

~Survivors of Fire and Blood~ Prologue up Five cat challenge Aug 23, 2017 22:27:29 GMT -5 phantomstar57 and Maplestone360 like this

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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Aug 23, 2017 22:27:29 GMT -5

I asked to be given five Characters and write a story about them in attempt to improve my writing. This is my first time trying this so it may not be the best. Although, that's why I'm doing this. To become better. Brownie Is the first one to help me by coming up with a cast of characters. These are the ones I'll be writing about:

Tabby is a black she-cat with white spotted ears and paws and a white patch around one of her yellow eyes. She's easily overwhelmed and is quick to come to the worst conclusions, but she's creative and always curious.

Sharppaw is a brown tabby tom with --you guessed it-- sharp claws. He has moderate white-spotting and green eyes. While a bit over the top in exaggeration, he loves showing off and pleasing others.

Hollypath is a dark brown she-cat with grey eyes. She's long-legged and physically not very strong, though some may say she makes up for it in her grace. Either a medicine cat or perm queen, you choose. She has a sharp temper and an uncanny ability of prediction.

Jetnose is a black tom with green eyes. His fur is long, courtesy of his birth as a housecat. Soon after he was left to wander as a rogue until he found the Clan at around 12 moons old (mid-late apprentice age). He's a flirt and while he tries to act confident, he's often seeking reassurance that he's accepted in the Clan as he fears they still see him as an outsider despite having been with them for over a season cycle.

Rosemaryclaw (if you really hate the prefix because some people do, go with Blossomclaw) is a white she-cat with ginger tabby splotches on her flanks and black patches around her face. She has amber eyes. She's shy and doesn't talk much, though her wisdom is far beyond her moons. Has a crush on Jetnose. Sharppaw's mentor.

[~Ghost Writer~] I'm back from the dead :) Pronouns: She/her	~Survivors of Fire and Blood~ Prologue up Five cat challenge Aug 23, 2017 22:29:30 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Aug 23, 2017 22:29:30 GMT -5 Rules: I am not allowed to change the personality of the character unless it's from very slow character development. Will add more upon request

[~Ghost Writer~]

I'm back from the dead :)

Pronouns: She/her

~Survivors of Fire and Blood~ Prologue up Five cat challenge Aug 23, 2017 22:30:05 GMT -5

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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Aug 23, 2017 22:30:05 GMT -5

~Prologue~

The dark red and yellow flames swallowed the camp and lit the night up as if it was only sunset. Hollypath stood in horror as the fire began to spread from den to den, and soon out of camp and into the territory. She began to back up to her stone made medicine cat den. She had boxed herself into a corner and the flames were so close that it started to brush her face. The fire began to melt to her feet and became bright red blood and the warmth of it when it was fire turned lukewarm as it transformed into a big sticky pool that ran from her den out into the center of camp. Her dull grey eyes widened when she realized she had to tread through the pool to leave the cave. Trying to look up at the sky instead of the red soil, she slowly walked out of her tiny den and out into the camp. She heart broke and sank when her eyes landed on the fallen and battered bodies of her clanmates. Only a few cats were standing. The same shocked look on their faces as Hollypath had rested on them. The medicine cat's vision started to fade and felt dizzy. She tried to remember the faces and names of the survivors before she couldn't see anymore. "Sharppaw and Jetnose and, who's the other?" Hollypath mewed, confused. She regained her vision soon enough, but it wasn't the same place she was just at. "Another vision. This time it was more clear." She whispered to herself. She laid her head back down on her mossy nest and looked down at the ground, relived to see that the dirt was still a dusty brown color it always has been.

~Chapter one~

(I'll start later)

[~Ghost Writer~] I'm back from the dead :) Pronouns: She/her	~Survivors of Fire and Blood~ Prologue up Five cat challenge Aug 23, 2017 22:30:23 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Aug 23, 2017 22:30:23 GMT -5 Open~

Genderqueer

Brownie

dragonforce is edible inspiration

Pronouns: they/them

~Survivors of Fire and Blood~ Prologue up Five cat challenge Aug 23, 2017 22:59:42 GMT -5 [~Ghost Writer~] likes this

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Post by Brownie on Aug 23, 2017 22:59:42 GMT -5

haha, not bad.
the only thing is that you say "seemed" at least three times in three consecutive sentences which makes the whole first half clunky and hard to read.
I know it's supposed to be a vision, but does she know that from the beginning? if not, it didn't "seem" like anything to her: it just WAS.

other than that, interesting start.

[~Ghost Writer~] I'm back from the dead :) Pronouns: She/her	~Survivors of Fire and Blood~ Prologue up Five cat challenge Aug 23, 2017 23:02:13 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Aug 23, 2017 23:02:13 GMT -5 I'll work on that now. Thanks for the advice ^~^

[~Ghost Writer~] I'm back from the dead :) Pronouns: She/her	~Survivors of Fire and Blood~ Prologue up Five cat challenge Aug 23, 2017 23:09:58 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Aug 23, 2017 23:09:58 GMT -5 Fixed!

Genderqueer

Brownie

dragonforce is edible inspiration

Pronouns: they/them

~Survivors of Fire and Blood~ Prologue up Five cat challenge Aug 24, 2017 6:29:04 GMT -5 [~Ghost Writer~] likes this

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Post by Brownie on Aug 24, 2017 6:29:04 GMT -5

Haha interesting interpretation of the prediction skill. xD

When I wrote it I was thinking she'd just sarcastically be like "you're going to fall out of that tree, idiot" "No I'm not" *cat falls out of tree* "told you so"

but this is more interesting a concept and fitting with her medicine cat choice.

[~Ghost Writer~] I'm back from the dead :) Pronouns: She/her	~Survivors of Fire and Blood~ Prologue up Five cat challenge Aug 24, 2017 12:44:46 GMT -5 via mobile Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Aug 24, 2017 12:44:46 GMT -5 Haha thank you :3 I hope that I can do well with the other Characters. Tabby will probably be the hardest.

phantomstar57

In NEW BLOOD-RISING STARS, what will Phantomstrike do?

~Survivors of Fire and Blood~ Prologue up Five cat challenge Aug 25, 2017 13:21:23 GMT -5 [~Ghost Writer~] likes this

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Post by phantomstar57 on Aug 25, 2017 13:21:23 GMT -5

I like this very much and look forward to more if you write more.
A few things- watch the redundant words and phrasing. Things like "started/seemed/began to" "had/has been" she/it was/were)etc. I corrected a few typos too.
Just a few simple fixes for that. I will do it in yours and post it here so you can compare. Another thing to remember is always a new paragraph with each character's speech so it doesn't get lost in the narrative, and keeps clear who is speaking..

The dark red and yellow flames swallowed the camp and lit the night up as if it was only sunset. Hollypath stood in horror as the fire rapidly spread from den to den, and soon raced out of camp and into the territory. She backed up to her stone made medicine cat den, boxing herself into a corner. The flames closed in and brushed her face. The fire melted to her feet and became bright red blood. it transformed into a kuekwarm big sticky pool that ran from her den out into the center of camp.
Her dull grey eyes widened when she realized she must tread through the pool to leave the cave. She struggled to look up at the sky, instead of the red soil, as she slowly walked out of her tiny den and out into the camp. Her heart broke and sank when her eyes landed on the fallen and battered bodies of her clanmates. Only a few cat still stood, the same shocked look on their faces as Hollypath's. The medicine cat's vision faded and she felt dizzy. She tried to remember the faces and names of the survivors before her sight deserted her.

"Sharppaw and Jetnose and, who's the other?" Hollypath mewed, confused. She regained her vision soon enough, but she gazed upon a different landscape.

"Another vision. This time it was more clear," she whispered to herself. She laid her head back down on her mossy nest and looked down at the ground, relived to see that the dusty brown dirt looked fully normal.

[~Ghost Writer~] I'm back from the dead :) Pronouns: She/her	~Survivors of Fire and Blood~ Prologue up Five cat challenge Aug 25, 2017 14:41:37 GMT -5 via mobile phantomstar57 likes this Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Aug 25, 2017 14:41:37 GMT -5 Thank you! That helps a lot ^~^ I'm going to try to write some more and correct everything later today.

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