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Post by Turin not Torino on Aug 17, 2017 9:22:11 GMT -5
As I may have mentioned on here before, I don't like to be touched by strangers - I don't like shaking hands, I don't like being patted on the back, etc., but I have enough self control to politely deal with it until I have a chance to go wash my hands or whatever. There is this one girl at work who will be extremely late, as in a half hour or more, resulting in my being forced to stay over until she arrives, and she tends to hug me for "helping her out" by staying over, even though I have no choice in the matter. I put up with this hugging, even though it makes me extremely uncomfortable, because I don't want to freak out at work. Today she was 45 minutes late, gets caught being late by the manager, then proceeds to make a big show of hugging me in front of said manager, saying, "See, Turin doesn't hate me as much as everyone says she does (even though in my head I was saying Oh yes I do!), and then proceeds to KISS ME ON THE CHEEK. This is NOT ok with me. My reasonable side that doesn't want to freak out at work simply says, "Don't kiss me! Ew!" but as I'm driving home, I start to get angry. This girl crossed a line, but I have no way to express this to anyone, because most people won't understand. If this were a guy that kissed me like that, it would be a different case, but because it's a girl, I'm supposed to be ok with it. I feel violated in a way, but don't feel I can express that because it's such a "minor" thing. I shouldn't have to feel like this, I should be able to have my boundaries respected. I don't even think I can to go my manager and complain, because she saw the whole thing, and she would most likely be one of those people who wouldn't think it was a big deal.
Sorry for the mini rant, I just needed to get it out, and I figure I'm more likely to find someone that understands on here than I would in the real world.
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Post by 𝕊’𝕞𝕠𝕣𝕖 on Aug 17, 2017 9:38:14 GMT -5
OOC I totally understand not wanting to be touched. I'm the same way, and that girl definitely crossed a line. Maybe next time you see her, just politely tell her that you don't like physical contact, like hugs or being kissed on the cheek and ask her to respect that. If she doesn't, it's on her, she's being a jerk. But there's some pretty good chances that she'll respect your boundaries once she's told them.
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Aug 17, 2017 9:40:38 GMT -5
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Post by GattoGelato on Aug 17, 2017 9:40:38 GMT -5
I literally would have said "wAT the F***" I've done that before when this really weird coworker touched me or makes me uncomfortable. Sounds rude, but I let them know it makes me uncomfortable and mad
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Aug 17, 2017 10:50:47 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2017 10:50:47 GMT -5
That's actually so crummy of her to do. That's an invasion of your personal space in a professional environment. You should be able to file a complaint if you wanted.
Also tbh I relate to this so much. I can't deal with strangers touching me whatsoever, and honestly ANYONE touching any part of my body without some sort of visible approach/consent (like if someone I know is walking towards me to give me a hug that's one thing. But some man at my work randomly caressing my arm when I don't even see him coming up beside me? NOT COOL. I very nearly smacked him). My mum thinks I'm really weird for the behavior and wants me to "get it checked" but I've been like this my whole life? I think it makes her panic because it's usually associated with being atypical/on the spectrum, but imo there's nothing wrong with that anyway/technically since it is a spectrum everyone falls on it somewhere.
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Aug 17, 2017 12:06:37 GMT -5
Post by Turin not Torino on Aug 17, 2017 12:06:37 GMT -5
OOC I totally understand not wanting to be touched. I'm the same way, and that girl definitely crossed a line. Maybe next time you see her, just politely tell her that you don't like physical contact, like hugs or being kissed on the cheek and ask her to respect that. If she doesn't, it's on her, she's being a jerk. But there's some pretty good chances that she'll respect your boundaries once she's told them.
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I'm trying to work out how to broach this subject with her, but she is probably the most manipulative person I've EVER met. She'll do things wrong and then try to make you feel either sorry for her, or that it's your fault. I saw right away that she was this way, but it took the rest of my co-workers several months, and she has practically destroyed another co-worker's life with her lies and manipulation. I don't want to be her new target. She has been trying since she started to find something, ANYTHING she can that I do wrong to try to exploit it, because she likes to show that she is superior to us all, but so far she's found nothing on me, and I know her game well enough to cover myself several different ways. I want to stay off her radar, and I worry that if I bring any of this up to her, it shows her a weakness in me, and she will exploit it somehow.
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Aug 17, 2017 12:09:29 GMT -5
Post by Turin not Torino on Aug 17, 2017 12:09:29 GMT -5
I literally would have said "wAT the F***" I've done that before when this really weird coworker touched me or makes me uncomfortable. Sounds rude, but I let them know it makes me uncomfortable and mad I think the only thing that stopped me from saying exactly that was that I was at work, there were customers in earshot, and my manager was standing literally 4 feet away.
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Aug 17, 2017 12:17:33 GMT -5
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Post by 🆉🅴🅻🅳🆁🅸🆂 on Aug 17, 2017 12:17:33 GMT -5
I'm the exact same one. Someone "scooped" me yesterday and I punched them. I don't like being touched, but will tolerate it. Inappropriately? Oh hell no.
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Aug 17, 2017 12:22:00 GMT -5
Post by Turin not Torino on Aug 17, 2017 12:22:00 GMT -5
That's actually so crummy of her to do. That's an invasion of your personal space in a professional environment. You should be able to file a complaint if you wanted. Also tbh I relate to this so much. I can't deal with strangers touching me whatsoever, and honestly ANYONE touching any part of my body without some sort of visible approach/consent (like if someone I know is walking towards me to give me a hug that's one thing. But some man at my work randomly caressing my arm when I don't even see him coming up beside me? NOT COOL. I very nearly smacked him). My mum thinks I'm really weird for the behavior and wants me to "get it checked" but I've been like this my whole life? I think it makes her panic because it's usually associated with being atypical/on the spectrum, but imo there's nothing wrong with that anyway/technically since it is a spectrum everyone falls on it somewhere. The only person I am ok with kissing me is my husband, and the only 2 people I am ok with hugging me are my husband and my mom. Everyone else needs to stay at least 2 feet back. My mom thinks this behavior in me is weird too, because I wasn't always like this, I was actually pretty "normal" when I was a teenager. The older I get, the less I like to be touched, I am not willing to share drinks with anyone anymore (except my husband), and I am more germ conscious than I was before. The arm caressing thing sounds awful though, in that case I probably would've smacked him, especially if he snuck up on me before he did it.
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Post by Turin not Torino on Aug 17, 2017 12:22:39 GMT -5
I'm the exact same one. Someone "scooped" me yesterday and I punched them. I don't like being touched, but will tolerate it. Inappropriately? Oh hell no. What is scooped?
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Aug 17, 2017 12:23:29 GMT -5
Post by 🆉🅴🅻🅳🆁🅸🆂 on Aug 17, 2017 12:23:29 GMT -5
A quick grab of the breasts.
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Aug 17, 2017 12:26:39 GMT -5
Post by Turin not Torino on Aug 17, 2017 12:26:39 GMT -5
This is why I ask before I hug, because even though I'm a huggy person, I understand not everyone is. That's terrible of your co worker to not only be repeatedly late, but violating your personal space that way. Normally, I'd offer a hug in comfort, but maybe chocolate instead ?🍫 lol, thanks for the chocolate The late thing is incredibly annoying, but with my type of job, I can't leave until she gets there because then there would be nobody running the place. The only thing that makes it mildly tolerable is how large my paychecks are with all the overtime I'm getting. I told my manager today (she normally isn't there that early, butshe had a meeting and got there maybe 10 minutes before my relief) that it's a good thing I didn't have kids to get home to, or a second job, or school or something. The biggest consequence for me is my husband makes dinner, and my being late really messes that up sometimes.
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Post by Turin not Torino on Aug 17, 2017 12:27:08 GMT -5
A quick grab of the breasts. Punching was the correct response then.
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Post by 🆉🅴🅻🅳🆁🅸🆂 on Aug 17, 2017 12:28:37 GMT -5
A quick grab of the breasts. Punching was the correct response then. Eeexactly.
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Aug 17, 2017 12:31:28 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2017 12:31:28 GMT -5
Tell your boss that you were uncomfortable and didnt want to cause a scene and explain the situation, and write the coworker an email that her actions are unacceptable and that you have personal boundaries. If it continues, use the incident and the email as a reciept that you already tried to diffuse the situation and file a complaint with HR about the harassment. And if you feel like being extra petty: write down how many times a week shes late and how long a time it is.
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Aug 17, 2017 12:34:47 GMT -5
Post by Turin not Torino on Aug 17, 2017 12:34:47 GMT -5
Tell your boss that you were uncomfortable and didnt want to cause a scene and explain the situation, and write the coworker an email that her actions are unacceptable and that you have personal boundaries. If it continues, use the incident and the email as a reciept that you already tried to diffuse the situation and file a complaint with HR about the harassment. And if you feel like being extra petty: write down how many times a week shes late and how long a time it is. I have several month's worth of records on exactly how late she was and dates, that's one of the ways I cover myself - she will be late, "forget" to clock in, then tell the boss to adjust her time to an earlier time than she really arrived, saying when asked why my clock out time is so much later that, "Turin just stays over to talk and ride the clock".
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2017 12:36:12 GMT -5
Nevermind then.
Fry her good.
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Aug 17, 2017 12:42:02 GMT -5
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Post by GattoGelato on Aug 17, 2017 12:42:02 GMT -5
I literally would have said "wAT the F***" I've done that before when this really weird coworker touched me or makes me uncomfortable. Sounds rude, but I let them know it makes me uncomfortable and mad I think the only thing that stopped me from saying exactly that was that I was at work, there were customers in earshot, and my manager was standing literally 4 feet away. eeeeeh yeah that's not a good idea. We talk crap a lot at sonic, bc no customers come in the building. Not even the managers really care if we say a lot of crap. But when the drive thru window is open it's a huge nope
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Aug 17, 2017 23:49:53 GMT -5
Post by Turin not Torino on Aug 17, 2017 23:49:53 GMT -5
I think the only thing that stopped me from saying exactly that was that I was at work, there were customers in earshot, and my manager was standing literally 4 feet away. eeeeeh yeah that's not a good idea. We talk crap a lot at sonic, bc no customers come in the building. Not even the managers really care if we say a lot of crap. But when the drive thru window is open it's a huge nope Yeah my manager curses like a sailor behind closed doors, but my company is really big on online customer reviews, and if it got put online that I was cursing out in a lobby full of people, my job could be at risk, and this girl is NOT worth losing my job for. I was here long before her, and I'll be here long after her, I just have to wait it out. If we had enough people to cover all the shifts, she would've been fired long ago.
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Aug 18, 2017 0:04:32 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2017 0:04:32 GMT -5
it's pretty bad to violate those boundaries regardless, but that's simply how some people show affection, i guess. without letting people know what you do and do not want, you can't really expect them to understand completely. sorry, though. i relate to your feelings.
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Aug 19, 2017 5:06:15 GMT -5
Post by Ginz on Aug 19, 2017 5:06:15 GMT -5
That's actually so crummy of her to do. That's an invasion of your personal space in a professional environment. You should be able to file a complaint if you wanted. Also tbh I relate to this so much. I can't deal with strangers touching me whatsoever, and honestly ANYONE touching any part of my body without some sort of visible approach/consent (like if someone I know is walking towards me to give me a hug that's one thing. But some man at my work randomly caressing my arm when I don't even see him coming up beside me? NOT COOL. I very nearly smacked him). My mum thinks I'm really weird for the behavior and wants me to "get it checked" but I've been like this my whole life? I think it makes her panic because it's usually associated with being atypical/on the spectrum, but imo there's nothing wrong with that anyway/technically since it is a spectrum everyone falls on it somewhere. i dont wanna seem like im derailing or anything, but i want to point out something. it's not good to say "everyone falls on the spectrum" because while, yes, some people can experience similar things to autism, it's not okay to do that. i'm not wanting to snap at you or anything, btw. i'm just wanting to let you know. what's wrong with saying it is that it invalidates autistic people and makes us feel like neurotypicals are coming up with another excuse to say that it's "easy" for us to act allistic because "everyone falls on the spectrum, so you don't have any REAL problems!" i'm not trying to say you are doing that — i'm just wanting to help you out so you don't upset anyone with a comment you didn't mean anything by
as for on topic and to op don't put up with invasion of your personal space in any situation. if you don't like something, don't be afraid to set your boundaries and speak up for yourself.
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Aug 19, 2017 6:45:53 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2017 6:45:53 GMT -5
GinzPoint noted. Tbh this was a perspective/something an actual staff member at my university explained to me during a lecture, so I might file a complaint, so that the idea doesn't get spread like wildfire in the future.
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Aug 19, 2017 20:45:25 GMT -5
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Post by Snappppppppppppp on Aug 19, 2017 20:45:25 GMT -5
I would definitely go to your manager, as I feel like she crossed the line. Kissing is TO MUCH.
I personally love hugs, handshakes, physical touches ( within normal limits of course) but if somebody kissed me on the cheek I would probably tell them off as that would make me extremely uncomfortable.
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Aug 20, 2017 4:03:02 GMT -5
Post by Turin not Torino on Aug 20, 2017 4:03:02 GMT -5
I ended up very calmly the next day telling the girl that she crossed the line the day before, and not to touch me again - no hugs, no anything. She said she was just playing around, and I told her I understood that, but it was too much, and I went home that day very angry. She asked why I didn't say something at the time, and I told her I was too mad at the time to have a rational conversation about it. I view it now as she has been told in very clear terms, so if she does it again, it would be purely to upset me, and I would then need to start to go to higher ups about it.
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