poem/one shot dump

FEAR

I always wondered
where hate comes from
but I think I
finally found out where
it stems from fear

fear of the unknown
fear that the new will be better
fear that they lost what they knew

but that's not the case
it's not unknown
but something slightly different
it's not better
just happier and healthier
it's not lost
it was never there

and so I understand
why people hate us
it's because they fear us
we just have to show them
that they don't need to fear us
that we aren't to be feared

I WISH

I wish I was
s t r o n g

I wish I was
b r a v e

but I'm one small person
who barely gets by each day

I wish I was able to make things
l a s t

I wish I could change my
p a s t

but it's too late
and there's nothing I can do

I wish that I was good at being
f r i e n d s

I wish I wasn't so
i n t e n s e

but I have a hard time
saying what I feel without going overboard

SECOND

listen, I know I'm nothing
special to you
I know you've got
others that are
more important to you
but I care, I care so much
I just wish
I could make you trust me
enough that you'd come and tell me
when you feel blue
but I understand
I'm not your first choice
or thought
so second will do
that is
if I am second
but I'm probably not
so I guess
I'll just accept
that you won't
see me the way I see you

INSECURE

I guess you could say
I'm insecure
Sure, I've got paranoia
Or at least they say I do
But I don't know for sure
Because I've felt this way
For as long as I can remember
I cry myself to sleep
Its soothing I guess
To let it all out
But in the end
I am still
Going to have the same thoughts
When I wake up
So I may as well
Not cry
But I can't help it
I'm insecure
About my everything
My body
My personality
My clothes
My intelligence
My grades
I can't help
The fact that
I'm insecure
I can't help it
I can't help anything
Or anyone
Because in the end
I'm nothing special

PESSIMIST

People say
I'm pessimistic
That I think negatively
But I don't see it that way
I'm just trying to be truthful
With myself and others
So to tell someone
"I'll love you forever"
Seems like a wrong thing to do
Because no love lasts
That long
So call me a pessimist
Say I see the glass half empty
But really
I just see a glass with some water
But not enough to sustain
So I'm not a pessimist
I'm a realist
I look at things
And see them how they are
So I say them so
I'm aware
Most things don't last forever
So call me a pessimist if you want
But I'm not

INAUDIBLE

I am not
Able to hear
Much less
Be heard
Inaudible
Is a word
You could use
To describe me
Because no matter
How much I try
To scream
Still no one hears
Especially not me
No matter how
long I cry
No one hears me
Or notices
And so I stay
Silent
Waiting for the day
When I can be audible

SHATTERED

He's gone
He left me
He broke me
And now I'm shattered
Into a million pieces
Maybe it's time
That I go too
Leave this awful city
The one that feels like a cage
But I'm chained down
He's gone
He left me
He broke me
And now I'm shattered
Like a vase a cat
Knocked over
Or a window that
A kid threw
A ball through
I'm broken now
Because he's gone

WORDS THAT MATTER

I want to write
But have nothing to say
I want to talk
But the words just run away

I'm slipping
Into the drain
Falling through
The holes you made

I am a mess
A beautiful disaster
Tragic and unmoving
In my downward spiral

I'm sinking now
Unable to move
Because the current is putting
Too much pressure on me

It seems to me
Everything is moving so rapidly
And floating away from me
So that you dissapear

And I know that
This flowing water
Won't stop until
We crash into the dam

I just wanted
To be by your side
But you cast me into the ocean
When you know I can't swim

And now this
Stream is running
And moving
Down my face

I sit underneath
The waterfall
Wondering when
It all went to hell

The rain comes down
And the ocean rises
Until it floods
A chaotic situation you made

You made me into water
Into a ever changing shape
Always going with
What others say

I don't want to do this
I want to be free
To freeze myself
In the shape I want to be

Its not cold enough
At least not without you near
You made me solid
Made me feel good

But now you're gone
And he's here instead
Making me into steam
Unable to form at all

And I'm shifting
From state to state
Not wanting to be
Moving this way

First was ice
Beautifully cold
And happy to be so
But then you ran away

So I turned into water
Unable to stay
Where I wanted
And fell down again

Then he came along
Made me into steam
Unable to be
Anything like free

And I keep hoping
You'll come back
So I don't run around
So I can be me

But then again
You left for a reason
No one wants
To be touched by ice

But ice can crack
And can break
There were fraction lines
All over me

So now that I'm unmolded
I no longer
Have those lines
Or you in my life

And I keep trying to find
The right words to say
But when it comes to you
I can't make you stay

WHAT ARE WE?

What
are we
really?
Is this
all
there really is?
I want to believe,
I'm high on hoping that
its true.
That there is someone,
someone like you.
Someone who cares,
someone who'd be there.
But if
this is
all there is
then pray, tell me
what are we?

ALRIGHT MEANS ALIVE

I guess you could say
I'm doing alright

If alright
Means I'm alive

But is alive and living
The same thing?

I do not know
So pray tell me

What is
The point of being alright?

Why is there
This inbetween stage?

Not happy or sad
And its driving me mad

RUN AWAY

I want to run away
Start another life
Where I have your name
On the back of my mind
Instead of the tip of my tongue
Where I can't be hurt
By the trivial things

I want to run away
And see something different
Then this electric lit city
Of people who don't care
About my well being
I wish you did
But you're just like the rest of them

DUST AND SHADOWS

We are
Dust and shadows
A painting
That isn't finished
If even started
We are
Simply made of
Ashes and dust
Pain and suffering
Nothing but
A simple dream
We are
A little cosmic joke
Created from stardust
And so I say
What are we?

LOVE BUT DON'T LIKE

But I don't
Like you

"How can that make sense?"
You ask
Well it goes like this:
To love is to care
To like is to enjoy

I care for your well being
But I don't enjoy your company

WILDCARD

I'm a wildcard
Uncontrollable
The one you didn't expect
The card in the deck
Not even the psychic saw coming
So I'm here
Shaking things up
Making everyone and everything
Thrown off balance

SHADES OF ANGER

Here we go again
When will this end
Can't we just pretend
That we are okay with the way
I always make mistakes
It seems that I'm playing a game
Seeing how far I can hurt you
Before you break in two
Because I always abuse
Those I love and so I do
The exact same thing
I did to her to you

Paint these shades of anger gray
Let go of what I said
What I always say
Its always wrong
But I do it anyway
So let us just
Paint these shade of anger gray
I always break myself
When I'm breaking you down
Threats and manipulations
Are what I know
And so I need to
Paint these shades of anger gray

Is it considered a sin
To have my head filled with
Ideas of wanting to be dead
Because that's all I know
And so it seems to show
That I'm no good
Not to you or anyone
So let's fix it now
Before I burn out
And leave charred skin in my wake
Because that's what will happen
If I hurt you

Paint these shades of anger gray
Let go of what I said
What I always say
Its always wrong
But I do it anyway
So let us just
Paint these shade of anger gray
I always break myself
When I'm breaking you down
Threats and manipulations
Are what I know
And so I need to
Paint these shades of anger gray

WORLD PEACE, DISCONTENT LIFE

I feel at peace with the world
But also discontentment with my life
Its hard to explain
Its like I'm numb
But also in pain

PERFECTION IN HUMAN FORM

I can't believe I met perfection in human form
Its so simple but its the way you are
You make me smile when I am mad
You make me laugh when I feel down
So I got to say it now
I want you forever
Nothing more than a happy ever after
So I'll just say it because its true
I am so in love with you

IN LOVE WITH YOU

They always say that you can't find happiness in a dark place
But without the pain I'd never had found you and god ain't it true
I'm so ****ing in love with you
You taught me what it was like to be happy again
And for that I can't thank you enough because back then I was down on my luck
But now that you built me up

I just want to say that no matter where you are
No matter when you call me I will always answer
Because its you that make me no longer feel blue
And yes, it true
So ****ing true
I'm so ****ing in love with you

STAR IN THE SKY

I wish I was more than this
I wish I was someone else
I wish I was less of a shadow
And more of a star in the sky

B.P.D.

Borderline Personality Disorder
Hah! More like
*****y Possessive Drama
Because that's what it means
That's your reality
What you live with
When you have BPD

*****y
Moody as all hell
And God forbid
You say the wrong words
Because I will smite you down
Split so hard
I'll have to dig you a grave in the ground

Possessive
Always have been
And now you are the one
Who gets the blunt of it
Because I'm obsessive
Its my nature
Can't change it ever

Drama
I hate it
****! That's a lie
I love it
I thrive on it
It gives me life
Gives me attention

And this is ****ed up
I know it is
But so am I
And it'd be stupid to pretend
I'll be different
Than what I am

LIFELINE OF A LIFETIME

Can't believe there's this much distance
The last time we talked was Christmas
It feels like its been a lifetime
Ironic since you were once my lifeline
But now that you left me behind
I can't find
A reason to not die
As hard as I may try
I haven't found one yet I still hope
That one day someone won't go
I just want somebody to stay
Wish they won't walk away
And maybe then I'd have a reason
That I should live another season
I would give anything for that to happen
But instead I'm laughing
As I go to bed and cry
About how quickly my
Life went to hell
And I can tell
That it's because of you
And you know that's true
You were the one to break it down
And I'm lost but I found
That there are others who care
And I can't bear
As well as fear
That I don't have them as near
If they were closer to me
Then they'd see
How all I got
Is a broken heart and a lot
Of pain and desire
Because you burned the bridge with fire
They'd be my helpers
Who'd make the repairs
Of what you've broken
So take this token
And know for sure
That I'm done with all of your
Fake caring words you spun
Because I have begun
To realize who you truely are
A boy who I now hate from afar

AWAKE AT NIGHT

I lie awake at night
Wondering if you can sleep
Knowing that I am dying inside
Because you and I both know
That I'm a wreck without you

A speeding train
Running towards another
Bound to crash
And go up in flames
Because you left

SUMMIT

And this rockface is slippery
The slope steep
Maybe I was a fool
In tethering you to me
But you were stable and had a strong belief
Telling me I could have anything I pleased
If only I climbed higher
But then you let go and my desire
To climb suddenly disappeared

CAN'T BE HAPPY

I'm falling apart
Piece by piece
Can't feel
Happy
Because you walked
Away from me
And so it seems
I desperately
Grasp at straws
Hoping that
You'll come back
But I know
Deep down
That you won't
Never will
And so I
Spill my blood
Who cares
If I let it run?
You don't
So why should I?

FLICKING PIZZA CRUMBS LIKE CIGARETTE ASHES, WE ALL HAVE OUR DEMONS AND SILENT KILLERS I GUESS

I sat alone,
Alone as always,
In my living room.
The one that was cramped,
The one with barely enough room,
For a couch made for two,
A coffee table and a television-
But it was enough room.
Barely.
The pizza boxes are spawled everywhere,
Cigarette smoke smell in the air.
It's suffocating.
The small room,
But it's my room.

My small, cramped room,
Small and insignificant,
Filled with doom.
It was going nowhere.
My mind, my room.
If was filled with thoughts:
"Its just another $20,"
"No one has to know,"
"Just one more hit,"
"You're not going to go."
But I was going to go.
It wasn't just another $20,
But another $20 out of bank account,
Another $20 not going towards the rent.
One more hit,
Turned into three or four,
Then a few dozen,
Until it was seven packs a day.
But it's okay.
No one has to know.
No one will know.
No one will ever know.

I flick the pizza crumbs off my chest,
Flicking it like the ashes of my cigarette.
I watch them fall down my chest,
Watch them rest on my leg,
Burning holes, making stains.
Just another day,
In the land of my brain.

If I try to stop,
My body screams in pain,
My lungs ache,
My pulse jumps up a rate.

Don't try it,
And don't deny it,
Addiction is a *****,
And it can't be turned off,
Its a broken switch.

I want more, crave it so much.
I watch the locked counters,
With growing lust.
If I don't get my fix,
My skin starts to itch,
And I itch it,
Itch, and itch, and itch.
Until I'm bleeding,
Bleeding with the lust,
For just one more hit,
But one hit isn't enough.

UN-BLUE I

What is it
With you
That can always
Make me feel
Un-blue

Maybe it is
The way you
Smile at me
So genuine
So beautiful
That makes me
Un-blue

Or how your
Whole face
Wrinkles up
With laugh lines
So blissfully happy
And so
Un-blue
That makes me feel
That perhaps
I too
Can be
Un-blue

I guess
It’s just
You
And how much
I love you
That makes me
Think that
Possibly I
Could be
Un-blue
Just like you

But if I
Can’t be
Un-blue
Then I know
That you
Make me
Want to be so

And if I can’t
Be what
You are
What I
Desire to be
Then I’ll ask
You to do
Something for me
And that is
For you to
Paint me
Un-blue

And maybe
It’s not possible
For me to be
Un-blue
But when
I’m around you
I can’t help
But hope
That maybe
I am too
Un-blue

UN-BLUE II

You once made me
Un-blue
But now?
You make me gray

Gray
Like a bleak, rainy day
Gray
Like old, cracked pavement
Gray
Like ominous, dreary thunderclouds

Funny
How one day
Can turn everything around
But not for the better

I once asked you
To paint me
Un-blue
But instead
You painted me gray

Rainbows have no color
When I can’t see your face
The stars don’t shine as bright
Without hearing your name
My life now
Is in shades of gray

MUSIC, WRITING, ART

You know something is wrong
When music
Is just music
Writing?
Just words on paper
Art?
Scribbles on a canvas
Nothing special
Nothing magical, nothing emotional
Emotional
It all was so
Or at least is was
Not anymore
Not when your face
Is not in my mind

Art was once
A muse for me
Poetry was once
The language I spoke
Music was once
Always coming from my throat
But not anymore
Its lost its appeal
It use to feel so alive, so real
But now it seems
Dull and dead
Nothing that
Can spark thoughts in my head
Sparks are gone
Its lost its meaning

Music is just music
Writing is just words on paper
Art just scribbles on a canvas
Lost its sound
Lost its rythym
Lost its color
And now all my thoughts
Are running together
And out of my mind
In ways that you can't find
Anything beautiful about it
Like there once was
Because music, writing, art
Is just that
Music, writing, art

I AM; YOU ARE

I am clay
And you are the potter
Molding me
Into what you want me to be

I am a canvas
And you are the painter
Coloring me
Into what you dream me to be

I am a book
And you are the writer
Designing me
Into what you imagine me to be

I am stone
And you are the sculpture
Shaping me
Into what you desire me to be

I am a song
And you are the singer
Making me
Into what you think me to be

I am not independent from you
You can be the maker of me
If you choose to
Please do that for me

FIGHT OR FLIGHT? FREEZE

Flight or fight
Is what they tell us
Fight or flight
Is what they sell us
Always forgetting about
Freeze

I always freeze
Lock up in place
To small and scared to fight
To tired and afraid to take flight
I always freeze

Freezing
Always dependable
Always constant
Consistent if you will

It seems to me
People forget
That its fight or flight or freeze

Fight or flight
Is not my nature

I freeze

FEELING IS NEVER FREEING

Feeling is never freeing
Voiding it is appealing
Freezing your feelings
Never heating up
In anger or lust
Never spiraling down
In despair and depression
Never getting caught up
In laughing and loving
So much simpler
When you avoid
What is unpleasing
And feeling is
Very unappealing
Makes you want
Things you shouldn't
Wanting is dangerous
Makes you start freaking
Because you're feeling
You need what you don't
And feeling is always
Unpleasing, unappealing
Feeling is never
Freeing from seeing
Things without wanting
What you shouldn't

THE MOUNTAIN

For as long as I can remember
I've been climbing this rocky ledge
Got stuck at the bottom
Of this mountain
Wishing to be at the top of it

I was young when I started
On my way up the slope
It took me quite a while
To learn the ropes
That I had to use to go forward

---

I found a climbing partner
It's better that way
To be tethered
To someone
Will help to keep me safe

My partner left me behind
They cut our tether
And climbed high
Up and away from me
So I lose my grip and fall down

---

When my hands begin to slip
And my grasp starts to fail
I fall down a ledge
I've already been to
Got to maintain my grip and try again

I'm on this slope alone now
Got to climb it on my own
Not sure how I will
But I got to
Guess I'll figure it out

---

I know you're climbing as well
This mountain isn't just mine
It's yours as well
It's a rocky climb
And I'm sorry I can't help

When I eventually get to the top
There will be others there
Those who climbed
Who succeeded
But not without fail

PERSONAL ESCAPE

I try to drown my thoughts,
But they won't go down the drain;
I try to burn my skin off,
But the water isn't hot today.

And maybe I was asking to much,
In thinking that I was enough,
But I can't help it.

That's who I am,
Always going in,
Without knowing a thing,
About what I'm getting into.

And it's funny how it seems,
That everything's so bleak,
And there's nothing to make me believe,
That I have a place,
Next to you.

Dammit! Those thoughts are back;
I try to drown them,
But instead they push me under,
And I don't know how to swim,
So now I'm underwater,
Not going to live.

I guess I try too hard,
And always get burned,
On my skin,
On my heart.

Never can get it right,
Always getting into fights,
When all I want is to love.

But love cannot,
Make these thoughts go away;
Although it is,
My personal escape.

I WANTED SO BADLY

I wanted so badly
To be the one
You ran to when things got rough

I wanted so badly
To be the one
That you relied on when it got too much

I wanted so badly
To be the one
You talked to when it got to be tough

But I'm not
But I'm not
But I'm not

Never will be
The one you go to
When its rough, too much, tough

DROVE YOU AWAY

My stomach is in knots
And I can't get you out of my brain
These feelings are not
The kind you try and replace
With someone else
Because it wouldn't be the same

I want to hear your voice
See your face
And have you
Say my name
Not that you ever will
Because I drove you away

CANDLE

I'm a candle
When lit I burn
Get to close and you'll be hurt
I'll dance as I do
As I hurt you
As if I'm laughing at you
I probably am
And if you estinquish me
I will be breakable
So easy to be snapped
No longer heated up
With my emotions
And I'd struggle to burn
To burn once more
Hoping to feel
Something again
But a candle without
Their dancing flame
Can't feel anything
Can't hurt you
Please let me burn
I want to feel
Even if it's
Not something appealing
Even if
I hurt you in the process
Because it's what I do
Burn until I hurt
But a candle without their flame
Can't burn at all
So don't you dare
Try and put me out

I'M NOT

He's talking away
He's happy and okay
But I'm not
I'm not

He's going about his day
He's living his life a good way
But I'm not
I'm not

INDISCREET

These are the colors that we bleed
So simple but indiscreet

EVERYTHING COMES BACK TO YOU

Everything comes back to you
And as always
There's nothing I can do
Or say
To make you stay
"I'm sorry"
"Don't leave"
"I need you"
"You're my everything"
"I love you"
These are the words - the things
That I want to tell you
But you won't let me
Won't listen
And so instead
Ive written them down
Every angry letter
Heartbroken poem
Apologetic vent
But in the end
They're nothing to you
Despite you being everything to me
Everything comes back to you

IT'S STUPID

It's stupid
No, really
It is
Don't tell me it's not
I know better
I know that I shouldn't
But I can't help it

FRIENDSHIP

Friendship
What a funny concept
What a weird thing
To want someone around
To love them
When it always ends
"Nothing lasts forever"
That's what they tell us right?
Well I just one to defy that saying
I just want one person, one friend
To defy the odds, the ideas
That it's temporary
Maybe that's too much to ask

NOT ANYMORE, NOT ANYMORE

I use to be
Happy to see
You laughing

But not anymore, not anymore
Now it's
Painful
To think that
You don't need me

I use to be
So naive
Thinking you would always be by me

But not anymore, not anymore
I learned my lesson
Don't rely on people
Who always will
Leave eventually

FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART

I just wanted to say something
That comes from the bottom of my heart
Thank you for everything
Thank you for the sleepless nights
The crying fits at 3a.m
Thank you for the feeling I have
Every time I look in the mirror
Thank you for the bad dreams
The good memories that are tainted now
Thank you for the anxiety
The blackouts in the evening
Thank you for the hyperventilating
Every time I hear your name
Thank you for these scars
That line my thighs and arms
Thank you for the tryst issues
Not like I didn't have enough already
Thank you for blaming me
When I already blamed myself
Thanks for walking away
Abandoning me at my time of need
So really, from the bottom of my heart
I just wanted to say thank you


I just wanted to say something
That comes from the bottom of my heart
**** you for everything
**** you for the sleepless nights
The crying fits at 3a.m
**** you for the feeling I have
Every time I look in the mirror
**** you for the bad dreams
The good memories that are tainted now
**** you for the anxiety
The blackouts in the evening
**** you for the hyperventilating
Every time I hear your name
**** you for these scars
That line my thighs and arms
**** you for the tryst issues
Not like I didn't have enough already
**** you for blaming me
When I already blamed myself
**** for walking away
Abandoning me at my time of need
So really, from the bottom of my heart
I just wanted to say **** you

I WANT IT

I'm afraid to mess this up
But I want it, I want it so much

A SECOND

I'm so
Terrified
Of the idea that
You'll leave again
Leave for good
And I'll be left
In the dust again
For a second time
And that's all it would take
A second
With just one of those
It could all fall apart

EVERY LITTLE WHISPER, EVERY LITTLE WORD

You thought you were sly
When you left without a goodbye
But I'm not that dumb to think
You'd be quiet when you walked away
I see you going around, head held high
That smug look on your face, wipe it off now
I'm about to tell them what really went down

Every little Whisper, every little word
Seems to be things that everybody's heard
Maybe that's what you wanted 'cause you think that's what I deserve
Well there's a twist on the way
I'm gonna break down every wall, 'til no secret's safe

You said the night we met
That you weren't the kind to gossip and bitch
But you do that now as you throw this fit
You're just mad I'm right
Thats why you're making this stupid little fight
Go ahead, tell them everything I said
But be aware: I can do that too
So get ready, I'm coming at you soon