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Post by Thornheart on May 11, 2017 10:03:59 GMT -5
Before you start reading my short story; thank you for tuning in. Criticism is greatly appreciated, thanks!
Chosen
A black huntress paused under a green holly bush, leaves gently brushing against rough black fur.
But I was on the move again, moving through a forest. The sky black as my iris's. I - as the hunter - sniffed to confirm that I had smelt a mouse, the confirmation making my mouth water. My hunters crouch made me feel giddy, but no emotion tracked across my eyes.
I was tracking my prey carefully, paws not even disturbing the grassy patches of earth, or the brightly-colored leaves strewn across the ground. I was as silent as if I was a leaf, abandoning the tree I had resided on and falling onto the ground.
As the grey skinny mouses' pink tail began to come into view, I prepared to spring, my haunches kicking back and paws flying.
But I was discovered one second too late. The small mouse scurried into more rich undergrowth that surrounded the forest.
I growled, my unsheathed claws digging into the ground. The soil was rich and fertile, and it was night - possibly most rodents favorite time - so that made me feel even more unsatisfied.
"Nice try!" A clear voice rang into my ears. "but really. I've seen kits hunt better then you!"
My claws dug even deeper into the ground, even more mud clogging the space in between them. My head whipped around to my white-furred taunter, even though I already knew who it was.
"Pinespeckle," I snarled, shaking the mud off my paws. "what business do you have? Besides taunting my hunting skills - I can assure you, my fighting skills are better."
The other cats' - Pinespeckle's - whiskers twitched in amusement, her black-tipped white tail was curled around her ginger-tipped paws, her bulky white body sitting down. Her clear blue eyes seemed to be laughing at her.
"What business do you have? I won't ask again!" I was bristling now; teeth bared in a snarl. Ready to fight at any moment.
"You were always easy to disturb," Pinespeckle commented, standing up. Pinespeckle was between two stretching trees, surrounded by undergrowth. Her bulky white body stood in contrast among the green of the forest. She was standing about five fox-lengths from where I stood, calming myself down. "now, follow me, we have been summoned for a 'Clan Meeting'."
Instantly I was confused. "Clan meeting? We don't have those anymore...are you sure?"
Pinespeckle now looked annoyed. "Yes, now. Follow me, we have places to be."
Pinespeckle whisked around, and raced into the lush scenery. Leaving me behind, as I quickly scrambled to catch up to her, I took time to quickly admire my surroundings. Because as much as I looked at the forest, it never grew old.
"Hurry up, do you want to be late?" Pinespeckle's voice snapped me out of my so-called 'day-dreaming'. I stiffened up at her voice, realizing I'd let down my guard.
We both kept quite for the rest of the 'journey'. We soon stopped - panting - as we reached the 'Clan Meeting', Pinespeckle and I went our separate ways, though not before us exchanging glares.
"Moonwind!" I yowled after scanning around the crowd for her. My joyfulness what was its fullest as I bowled in my friend, almost knocking her down. Forgetting about Pinespeckle momentarily.
"Nightshard!" Came the delighted response, my silver friend quickly sat up, her black-tipped tail up and waving at me. "how have you been? It's been so long!"
I was about to answer, but our lovely reunion was cut short by a loud booming voice that demanded:"Silence!"
Every cat turned his or her head to stare at the one who called, even I, too. I was shocked to see who it was; they'd been dead so long ago!
"I wish for you to come down to the our Speaking Place, " The dark tabby toms' voiced announced. He was stading on the Speaking Rock, where a cat went to address something important, "to see who successor is."
My thoughts were whirling; Successor? Seeing who they are? Are they even a cat? Instantly I felt dumb. Of course they have to be a cat!
But nevertheless all the cats of the dead bounded to the pool; where every century, a cat was born with a great gift - we decided what it would be - and a great downfall, - we also decided that - they were born with these because they either had a great thing to accomplish, or had to do some heroic. Sure, we decided all of this, but one thing we couldn't decide was their destiny.
"If you've been here more for then five centuries," Groups of cats raised their heads - if they weren't raised and were huddling - and nodded. "then you know that we require a 'Guardian' of sorts. This is essential to keep the cat safe, because - of course - they have a downfall." He paused; thinking. "I am going to chose a great fighter;" My eyes suddenly became interested in my paws, all my hopes gone. "a wise cat - but she can sometimes snap. The approved choice for a Guardian is...Nightfang."
My head snapped up, some cats were cheering, some had gazes downcast on their paws, but most stared at me, calculating my movements.
"Me?" I questioned, Moonwind nudged me forward until I was in front of the dark tabby. "are you sure?"
The tom purred in amusement; clearly finding my surprise funny. "Yes, now; go to your protected."
I stumbled towards the pool - only knowing where to go because it was the most talked about thing in the whole afterlife.
"Good luck, Nightfang." He whispered in my ear. "I have faith in you; don't let me down."
I looked up towards him as I jumped into the clear blue pool. I felt mysslf being sucked down, into the Living World; but before I was fully submerged, my deep green eyes met his light amber ones.
"As one Chosen before; I vow to make you proud again."
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Post by 🍁Searipple101🍁 on May 11, 2017 12:18:16 GMT -5
Pretty good story you got going on here, but I do have some critiques, if you don't mind. First off, try to not have such large spacing between paragraphs. It just doesn't look as good. Next, try not to use the same words too many times or too close together. The first line of the whole story is a good example with 'black.' Change the second 'black' to something else that means the same thing. So instead of ' A black huntress paused under a green holly bush, leaves gently brushing against rough black fur.' we have 'A black huntress paused under a green holly bush, leaves gently brushing against rough, midnight fur.' Oh, and don't forget the put commas in between two adjectives. Anytime there are two words describing the same thing side by side, put a comma between them. As the grey skinny mouses' pink tail (It should be mouse's. Just a little apostrophe misplacement.) But I was discovered one second too late. The small mouse scurried into more rich undergrowth that surrounded the forest. This whole thing confuses me. She missed the mouse, so being discovered too late would mean she had caught. So maybe change 'late' to 'early.' The other cats' - Pinespeckle's - whiskers twitched in amusement, her black-tipped white tail was curled around her ginger-tipped paws, her bulky white body sitting down. Her clear blue eyes seemed to be laughing at her. (Too many 'her's here. Instead of 'her' so many times, simply take a couple out. It'll flow much better then.) The other cat's - Pinespeckle's - whiskers twitched in amusement, her black-tipped white tail was curled around ginger-tipped paws, bulky white body sitting down. Clear blue eyes seemed to be laughing at her.I was bristling now ; teeth bared in a snarl. (There only needs to be a comma here. Putting a semicolon is for conjoining two sentences into one without using the typical 'and' and such. 'Teeth bared in a snarl' is a sentence fragment, therefore, it does not need a semicolon.) Pinespeckle now looked annoyed. "Yes, now. Follow me, we have places to be." (It doesn't flow well with the period there.) My joyfulness what was its fullest as I bowled in my friend, almost knocking her down. (Should probably be 'barreled.' What it there does not make sense.) The dark tabby toms' voiced announced. (I've noticed this mistake quite a bit. When the thing showing possession is a singular object, then the apostrophe comes before the 's.' Instead of toms' it should be tom's because he is one tom owning his voice.) or had to do some heroic. (something) The approved choice for a Guardian is...Nightfang." (Earlier, she was Nightshard. Be sure to keep things such as names, pelts, and eyes consistant. Though, I know they can also be easy things to lose track of.) "Yes, now ; go to your protected." (Neither a comma nor apostrophe is needed here.) There are also capitalization and comma errors still left unaddressed, but I want you to take what you know and what I said to find them yourself. You are a good writer, and I want you to learn from experience neat grammar, as grammar is always pretty important for any writing. Okay, I have reached the end of the story, and I must say that was pretty darn good. I really like the overall structure you had and especially the concept of a whole different system in the afterlife other than StarClan or the Dark Forest. It's definitely very interesting to have cats gathering in this place, around this pool and having one chosen every so often to take on the life of a new kit. Having them be pretty great in the way of having a gift is interesting, too. It's a pretty enjoyable read indeed. Good job  |
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Post by Owlmoon on May 11, 2017 17:40:13 GMT -5
Searipple-My thoughts exactly!
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Post by Thornheart on May 11, 2017 22:20:40 GMT -5
Owlmoon 🍁Searipple101🍁 - Ah! Thank you so much! This are very helpful! Thank you so much for giving me that advice that is key to me improving (I really needed it :3) and thank you for checking it out! Especially since you guys are such a big inspiration on these forums and to probably many other people. Thank you once again!
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Post by 🍁Searipple101🍁 on May 11, 2017 22:30:34 GMT -5
You're very welcome! But I wouldn't say I'm an inspiration to anyone XD I just try to be nice and help out when I can. I really do want to see you improve as you have very good ideas. This story proves it.
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Post by Thornheart on May 11, 2017 22:49:56 GMT -5
(Wow. I have the great ideas? What about you? I love your fan-fictions! And just like many other people I love what you give us: great stories and writing. I love how you are such a great person on the forums and a general inspiration for everyone who wants to write but can't. Thank you for letting me get those 'inspiration juices' flowing! (Lol)
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Post by 🍁Searipple101🍁 on May 12, 2017 1:47:27 GMT -5
I honestly don't know how to react right now... Like, I never take compliments well because they're so rare but this... Thank you so much. It's kind of overwhelming, but thank you for thinking so highly of me. It really means a lot that you're willing to say such things.
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Post by Owlmoon on May 12, 2017 7:21:13 GMT -5
I'm inspirational???!I assure you that I am not. Besides, new writers are what's making the WFF have a humongous growth spurt in activity.
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Post by Thornheart on May 12, 2017 10:35:52 GMT -5
Owlmoon - Yeah, I know about how new members are active, but I'm talking about how you make us write. I may have gotten ideas from your fanfictions (  ) and well...made this! (Lol I'm debating posting my other one-shot I wrote. It's edited and everything so... xD) 🍁Searipple101🍁 - You should take compliments more often. Seeing as how great you write. Plus I got some inspiration from a certain Fan-fiction of yours [  ]
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Post by 🍁Searipple101🍁 on May 12, 2017 10:40:48 GMT -5
Aw, thanks <3 You already made my day, and I just woke up lol.
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Post by Thornheart on May 12, 2017 10:45:18 GMT -5
Lol you deserve it <3 (Plus, go check out a certain archive of yours ) Edit: Oops... mistake! The fan-fiction survey! Sorry! |
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Post by 🍁Searipple101🍁 on May 12, 2017 18:43:32 GMT -5
I shall!
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Post by Thornheart on May 15, 2017 18:31:39 GMT -5
Bump!
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) and well...made this! (Lol I'm debating posting my other one-shot I wrote. It's edited and everything so... xD)
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