{The Footsteps Footsteps a Ghost can Leave} [Chapter 5]

Chapter 4 is up

I'm currently at the beach (on a mini vacation) but I am returning home tomorrow. I'll try and read it then!

Bump!

Thanks Shadow! It's a BIG improvement from the original story haha

Dont read it. It's bad >~>

Haha thanks Mint :3

wcrpforums.com/thread/34997/footsteps-ghost-leave-comic-wip
New comic page.

Hi! I just read what you have up and I really feel that you have a pretty good start here! I just have a few things that you could use if you want to.

~ Try to make transitions between days or moons easier to understand. I got kinda lost when reading it because i wasn't sure if you had jumped in time or not.

~ Use lots of descriptions. It really forms characters and places and helps the reader understand a little more.

~ I like the amount of emotion you put into Ghostpaw, but I feel kind of confused at his feelings during some points in the fic. It would help a lot if you added why he was feeling a certain way.

~ I would like to know a little more background on his relationship with his mother. That would really advance his character and lets readers get to know him and connect with him a lot better.

~ Also on the topic of background, it would help to have a little bit of background for all of the Clans. It kind of confused me about why Raggedstorm was threatening ThunderClan because he wanted catmint. I would also like to know why Brightspirit died in the first place (meaning what was the reason the cats attacked). You could get some good Clan background in by writing about a gathering. Another thing you could do is add more characters to ThunderClan instead of just having four warriors.

~ I feel the relationship with Sunpaw and Ghostpaw escalated too quickly. It is hard to figure out if you have feelings for someone, especially if it is someone of the same gender. Now, I am not against LGBTs in any way, shape, or form, but i feel that since Sunpaw is gay then he might keep his feelings a little more secret until he figures out whether or not he truly feels that way. I also don't think his parents would think anything of it, seeing as how it is their first time as parents (at least i think they are first-timers) and therefore probably wouldn't try to force a relationship with Ashpaw onto him. Instead try to make it so Ashpaw starts liking Sunpaw and tries to become more than friends with him. (Wow i had a lot to say about that sorry lol)

~ Also on the topic of relationships, Nutchest and Raggedstorm's relationship has gotten pretty far without any cat noticing or any other context that they might have had a relationship. Try to use subtext to make it seem like Nutchest has something to hide. 

~ I like what you had as the prologue, but you completely dropped the plot of Ghostpaw's father throughout the chapters. I think what would help would be to add a little more about Whitestrike, possibly what he did to the Clan, his illness, more stuff like that.

~ The battle in the first chapter seemed very short. Maybe add more description and talk about other cats involved in the battle.

I think that's all. I'm sorry it got pretty long i kept thinking of other stuff. I hope this helped and didn't make you angry or anything. You can do whatever you want with this but I thought i could help a little. It's looking good though!

I added some stuff :3

I was just wondering about it. Maybe Ghostpaw could ask about his father or something cause he was really young at the time

I like that idea

Please excuse me. ^^' I was in school most of today and am only now starting to catch up on everything I've been missing.

New chapter up

*chuckles* Guess what I voted. xD