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Post by mintedstar/fur on Jan 1, 2019 14:40:17 GMT -5
Spoilers. o.o Spoilers? Teaser? Yeeeeeeeeeees.
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Post by Katanaheart on Jan 1, 2019 15:32:10 GMT -5
Spoilers. o.o Spoilers? Teaser? Yeeeeeeeeeees. That’s not going to make sense for a while.
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Post by phantomstar57 on Jan 1, 2019 23:31:18 GMT -5
Just finished Episode 21. I can't find an Episode 22 so am assuming I may have actually caught up?? If not please tell me what page 22 is on and do Fan me!
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Post by phantomstar57 on Jan 1, 2019 23:45:49 GMT -5
Done editing and it’s back up. It’s probably still awful even with the edits. Read fine to me if you mean Episode 21.
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Post by Katanaheart on Jan 2, 2019 0:47:59 GMT -5
Done editing and it’s back up. It’s probably still awful even with the edits. Read fine to me if you mean Episode 21.I was referring to Part 3 of Episode 21
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Post by Katanaheart on Jan 2, 2019 0:49:09 GMT -5
Did you finish Part 3 of Episode 21, Phantom? Because if so, you might be caught up. Since Episode 22 is still in the middle of being written.
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Post by phantomstar57 on Jan 2, 2019 12:00:00 GMT -5
Read fine to me if you mean Episode 21. I was referring to Part 3 of Episode 21 Read well to me but I can take another look if you like. I can watch this time for any problems. In general if I can read thru and not be stopped by any mistakes-they are minor. In that part I find a few little grammar mistakes, sentence structure mishaps, punctuation etc. Things I sometimes don't notice when I am deep into a story LOL. I'll post a few bits and rework but its all small stuff like sentence structure and punctuation. Nothing major IMO. It is stuff I would do as line editor :-)
*Amberfluff exits the room, and immediately sees red smoke fill the area below. Her eyes widen in fear given what smoke generally means. The fluffy she-cat then dashes down the stairs into the thick of the smog, just as she (Not sure -she-cat's?)paw-steps touch the ground floor, it dissipates. Instead of a violent murderer that usually greets her vision from the red fog, the cat who appears instead, looks worse for wear. The light brown tabby bleeds profusely from a shoulder that is poorly covered in cobwebs. A large leaf covers part of her eye with stretches of the herb visible from behind the leaf, while various parts of her form are also covered in cobwebs, and a chunk of her left ear is missing. As the fog continues to disperse, Amberfluff sees more features of the tabby, such as the brown splotches covering her pelt and her white paws. Various supplies of medicine with odd containers, alongside a laptop, and a few files are on the ground next to her. The she-cat then walks forward, her non-covered eye shining brightly as she spots Sagetail. The small tom grins but appears nervous. The fog completely disappears, just as Ashfur III and Rippletail meet Amberfluff at the bottom of the stairs.*
Next is something minor too, and all I do here is rework some of the sentence structure to take out a few clunky lines, but in the scope of things it does not really interfere in the story. But if it is bugging you I will lay this sampel down and rewrite it correcting some of that. I hope this can show you how to spot the sentence structure misphaps and the awkward phrases. Truust me its not bad LOL. I am awaiting Episode 23, but here we go.
*Elsewhere, amidst a waterway, a large Serpent once again lands back into the deep waters below, shaking the confines of the stone corridor where its prey stands on. As for said prey, Robinsong looks fairly exhausted and her legs tremble from exertion. Treepelt resembles a drenched form of a tree’s limbs, but his yellow eyes merely shine with defiance. Isole also looks equally drenched from where he stands on the smaller strip of corridor. As he runs away from Robinsong to the other stretch of the horizontal corridor, the dark brown tom then turns his head towards Isole. *
You can take these and check them against the original to see the changes. If you want me to check other passages feel free to ask!
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Post by Katanaheart on Jan 2, 2019 12:06:16 GMT -5
I was referring to Part 3 of Episode 21 Read well to me but I can take another look if you like.I was just uncertain of the ending parts there with a Spirit. So much so, I had to edit everything and then re-post that piece.
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Post by Katanaheart on Jan 2, 2019 12:06:44 GMT -5
You’re now caught up though!
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Post by phantomstar57 on Jan 2, 2019 12:23:58 GMT -5
Read well to me but I can take another look if you like. I was just uncertain of the ending parts there with a Spirit. So much so, I had to edit everything and then re-post that piece. K I can look at the ending for you.
OK here it is with some minor corrections. You have a tendency to use a comma when a period should be. I thought the scene itself was fine!
*Before the speckled gray tom can finish speaking, a sudden shriek cuts him off. The scream is louder than before, and this time it continues. The cats flatten their ears at the loud clamor, and they have to yell to be able to hear one another through the sound.*
Ashfur III~IS THAT WHAT YOU’VE BEEN HEARING?
Tangletalon(Sarcastically)~NO, MOUSE-BRAIN! I’VE BEEN HEARING SOMEONE CHUCKILING!
*The shrieking then stops abruptly. A moment later the glass around them starts to crack in many places…*
All~StarClan!
*Before anyone can move, rain and some weird black liquid seeps from the cracks. The glass continues to break. Rain and wind suddenly appears in The Lighthouse, drenching and chilling the four cats, despite the glass not breaking at the ceiling… The black liquid starts staining the glass; as more of the unknown substance slips out, and onto the floor. All while the screams rise in pitch, almost as if more voices are joining in.*
Amberfluff~THIS DID NOT HAPPEN LAST TIME!
Quietsong~SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP!
*Suddenly the large light in The Lighthouse goes out, leaving the cats in the cover of darkness…*
Tangletalon~THE FLOOR IS WET, AND THAT IS NOT RAIN!
Ashfur III~WHAT?
*Before Tangletalon can repeat herself, the screaming stops, and the light flickers on. Blood covers the floor, and gasps and screams catch in the cats’ throats, as they stare at where Quietsong had been, and the surrounding area. The entire area is red with the black substance replacingh the glass at this point. Bodies of unknown or unidentifiable cats cover the ground, and the screams reach an all-time high, as more voices join in. Then as abruptly as it started, the four cats are blinded by the large white light and everything turns back to what it was.*
Quietsong~That is not something that has happened…
Amberfluff~That was insane!
Tangletalon~*Merely gasps, but does nod her head.*
Ashfur III~… We need to get out of here, soon. Before THAT becomes frequent…
*The other three nod their head in agreement. All four cats stare with wide eyes, clutch the floor with unsheathed claws, and their fur spikes with their current fear. Out of all the things to expect from The Lighthouse, whatever THAT was, it was not one of them. The four cats then slowly head downstairs, all still in shock over what just unfolded.*
Hope this helps.
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Post by Katanaheart on Jan 2, 2019 12:42:33 GMT -5
I believe you confused what I was talking about. I was referring to the Spirit of Fear from Part 3 of Episode 21.
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Post by phantomstar57 on Jan 2, 2019 13:45:13 GMT -5
I believe you confused what I was talking about. I was referring to the Spirit of Fear from Part 3 of Episode 21.
OH ok. Let me go look again. I got it. AS far as the scene and concept go, it works fine. I liked it! What is it that is bugging you? All I saw was a few sentence structure mini mistakes that can always be easily corrected.
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Post by Katanaheart on Jan 2, 2019 14:00:28 GMT -5
I believe you confused what I was talking about. I was referring to the Spirit of Fear from Part 3 of Episode 21.
OH ok. Let me go look again. I got it. AS far as the scene and concept go, it works fine. I liked it! What is it that is bugging you? All I saw was a few sentence structure mini mistakes that can always be easily corrected.
The dialogue just felt stiff when first writing it. And while slightly fixed, still felt somewhat weird to me, while re-writing.
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Post by phantomstar57 on Jan 2, 2019 14:21:29 GMT -5
OH ok. Let me go look again. I got it. AS far as the scene and concept go, it works fine. I liked it! What is it that is bugging you? All I saw was a few sentence structure mini mistakes that can always be easily corrected.
The dialogue just felt stiff when first writing it. And while slightly fixed, still felt somewhat weird to me, while re-writing. It didn't bother me . These characters tend to speak more formally no? I always got that impression from Isole. So it seemed right in character. I can re read and see if there are any spots that can be "fixed".
Maybe just a bit of streamling. . is all I can see. I'll give it a whirl here.
Robinsong~Isole, will you explain what’s going on?
*The calico she-cat’s voice contains both fright and confusion while the blob “moves,” about in mid-air, it is vaguely transparent in consistency allowing the Workers to see Isole’s lips begin to curl into a snarl. Then the blob solidifies into a cat-like shape and the light begins to seep away from the feline as if they are mere water droplets dripping down fur. In place of where the light had been is a vaguely spectral, she-cat, with light gray fur and a white splotch above her nose. She faces Isole, who merely stares in an odd mix of rage and confusion.*
???~Interesting. I didn’t expect to settle on this form at all.
Isole~What is the meaning of this, Spirit of Fear?
*The dark gray tabby glares at the she-cat who merely opens her eyes in response, revealing them to be the same light purple color as the Serpent’s had been. Except the do not reflect the mixed emotions of Isole, instead settling on some twisted sense of amusement. There is also something odd about the she-cat’s appearance minus the spectral and floating aspects, the pupils of the she-cat are a darker shade of purple instead of black which is a rather unsettiling characteristic for a change from the norm.*
Fear~My appearance? I’m uncertain of that myself, though it may have to do with your presence, Tragedy. Not that it matters.
*Isole visibly flinches at the name of Tragedy, but the tom angrily yells a response.*
Isole~The fact that we can even speak to one another is certainly a mat-
*A scream of horror drowns out the rest of Isole’s words, his own screams are followed by shrieks from Treepelt and Robinsong. A red smear has appeared at the center of the Spirit’s pupils, while the living scream and tremble in fear due to the she-cat’s abilities. Then just as quickly as it had occurred, Isole’s screams stop, the tom is left horribly shaken and still trembles even while he tries to keep a hold on himself and glares madly at Fear, who merely frowns in response. Treepelt and Robinsong are still within Fear’s grip but neither Worker is screaming, possibly too lost in whatever Fear is showing them to even scream at this point.* Fear~Your greatest fear is our fruition. So, you truly wish to betray us, then?
Isole~You saw what frightens me. You tell me, Fear.
Fear~As if you’re in a position to be smug with me, Tragedy.
*Fear then smirks before she speaks, as if something has amused her.*
Fear~You killed the trapped form I was in. Why?
Isole~You’ve practically proven that you would be more dangerous with an actual body at your disposable instead of a beast.
Fear~Interesting.
*Fear’s form flickers for a moment as if the form is threatening to break apart, yet the Spirit doesn’t respond to the flickers, instead choosing to smile at Isole. The tabby in response, narrows his eyes in suspicion at the sudden change in behavior.*
Fear~Would it not have been much easier to kill the one you invited in? Instead of seeking me? (This one is a bit clunky. Let's see- "Instead of seeking me to kill, might it have been easier to kill one who you invited in?" Not sure if its better tho.) Just watch areas where it is really two sentences and a period works better than a comma. I changed that in several spots. I really don't see a problem here between two characters that have that way of speech.)
Isole~I can kill the one I invited at any time. It is you that slithered in without an invitation.
Fear~So you considered me a higher priority….
*The smile she had then becomes a grin, said grin is then broken almost immediately by chilling laughter. It is not mocking but the fact she has apparently become very amused by this is disturbing.*
Fear~I have overestimated you. You have no idea how horribly you underestimated your circumstances, Tragedy. Let alone your skills. Think of my parting words, as an opportunity to adjust to your inevitable failure. The deaths of these vile specks of dust behind me are likely not the only ones we can slay to achieve consciousness.
*Fear’s form then flickers for a moment, before bursting back into individual wisps of light. The lights collide with each other as if attempting to re-create their form before giving up entirely. They then simply fade away, leaving Isole to stare at the shocked Workers in front of him, who have fallen to the ground, both cats appear to be barely conscious.*
Isole~What in Spirits name did she even mean? The Guests, Visitors, and especially those who have worked for me, would be the only options to break free from that form… Besides, it’s not like-
*Multi-colored eyes suddenly widen in a horrifying realization and in a swift movement, the dark gray tabby leaps over the smaller hole that separates the scrap of corridor he is on from the main corridor. *
*Then in a mad dash, he disappears down the corridor, likely entering a Shift into another part of The Lighthouse.*
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Post by Katanaheart on Jan 4, 2019 0:17:57 GMT -5
Thank you, Phantom! I just get overly worried over things, I think. So, I’m prone to panicking...
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Post by phantomstar57 on Jan 4, 2019 14:08:30 GMT -5
Thank you, Phantom! I just get overly worried over things, I think. So, I’m prone to panicking... Most welcome.
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Post by Katanaheart on Jan 6, 2019 18:49:34 GMT -5
AND I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED LIKE FIVE EPISODES....
AAAAAAAAAAAA
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Post by Katanaheart on Jan 6, 2019 18:58:22 GMT -5
Nevermind, I didn't delete them. They're just under a huge spoiler tag. Also for whatever reason my small script hasn't been working. How long has it been doing that?
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Post by phantomstar57 on Jan 6, 2019 20:22:02 GMT -5
AND I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED LIKE FIVE EPISODES.... AAAAAAAAAAAA OMG No!!!!!! Nothing worse than having hard work go "POOF". Had a story go poof on a dead HD years ago and I never rewrote it . ..
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Post by phantomstar57 on Jan 6, 2019 20:24:01 GMT -5
Nevermind, I didn't delete them. They're just under a huge spoiler tag. Also for whatever reason my small script hasn't been working. How long has it been doing that? Small script? Glad you didn't lose the episodes.
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Post by Katanaheart on Jan 6, 2019 20:56:38 GMT -5
Nevermind, I didn't delete them. They're just under a huge spoiler tag. Also for whatever reason my small script hasn't been working. How long has it been doing that? Small script? Glad you didn't lose the episodes. This is small script. I don’t think it’s been working, for some reason...
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Post by Katanaheart on Jan 6, 2019 20:57:46 GMT -5
Or it’s not working on mobile... Uh, it’s where you can make the text smaller. So it looks like a character is muttering under their breath in dialogue. I don’t think it’s been working in the posts on the main page.
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Post by Katanaheart on Jan 7, 2019 0:27:00 GMT -5
I think I've fixed all of those mistakes. Willowtail now has her actual name! (Still have no clue why I didn't notice the mistake sooner than I did... But it's fixed!)
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Post by phantomstar57 on Jan 7, 2019 14:56:35 GMT -5
Small script? Glad you didn't lose the episodes. This is small script. I don’t think it’s been working, for some reason... YAY! LOL because I'd be telling you to enlarge it anyway.
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Post by Katanaheart on Jan 7, 2019 17:24:48 GMT -5
This is small script. I don’t think it’s been working, for some reason... YAY! LOL because I'd be telling you to enlarge it anyway.Ah, true! But it does now ruin the effect I had placed and makes it more seem as if the characters can be heard, when in actuality they’re just mumbling under their breath.
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Post by phantomstar57 on Jan 8, 2019 12:22:31 GMT -5
YAY! LOL because I'd be telling you to enlarge it anyway. Ah, true! But it does now ruin the effect I had placed and makes it more seem as if the characters can be heard, when in actuality they’re just mumbling under their breath. No no no please no! Use italics or * or " or other things for that type of thing, not smaller type! I really have issue with small text, and also black text on this blue background that a few use. Usually inner thoughts are n between single quotes or even *. Differences in type size give me BAD eyestrain and will stop me from reading. . . .
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Post by Katanaheart on Jan 8, 2019 12:34:50 GMT -5
Ah, true! But it does now ruin the effect I had placed and makes it more seem as if the characters can be heard, when in actuality they’re just mumbling under their breath. No no no please no! Use italics or * or " or other things for that type of thing, not smaller type! I really have issue with small text, and also black text on this blue background that a few use. Usually inner thoughts are n between single quotes or even *. Differences in type size give me BAD eyestrain and will stop me from reading. . . .I already use * for description of background though. I might just have to use unneeded asterisks for muttering though since I really don’t want to try and figure out the coding for subscript... Italics could be a possible consideration since I really don’t want to confuse people with unneeded description. Is it this one? (Alongside with it being easier on your eyes, Phantom!)
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Post by Katanaheart on Jan 8, 2019 12:35:13 GMT -5
Okay! I was right, it was [ i]
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Post by Katanaheart on Jan 8, 2019 12:36:46 GMT -5
I’m just going to have to throw in more reminders for me to do things differently since subscript hasn’t been working anyway... *Grumble, grumble.*
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Post by Katanaheart on Jan 8, 2019 12:40:57 GMT -5
So! Reminders for Kat. Rippletail now has her actual name of Willowtail. Use italics for muttering. Remember coding for all other emoticons. (The only one I never fully remember is )
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