Post by ssquiffy on Oct 16, 2016 20:33:44 GMT -5
ha ha ooh boy i dont usually vent on the internet but i feel really horrible right now and i think ill just take a crack at trying to put my feelings into words.
i am terrible with people. i have never had a "close" friend. i have never had a group that i felt like a belong in. i always feel detached from the outside world because im too scared to put myself out there. this is how its always been. every now and then someone will be like, "hey, i'm your friend, you can talk to me" etc. but then we'll never really talk, because they have other friends and i'm too scared to reach out and go "hey, im still here." or maybe i do, but no one really cares so then i go back to not really existing to them. maybe theyll invite me to a party or theyll remind me that "hey, im your friend" but thats not what it feels like, y'know?
other times, theyll actually make an effort to talk to me and include me and it always makes me so guilty because i feel like im not meeting them halfway. they're trying so hard to be interested to me, to stay in touch and what the heck am i doing? they have to deal with me being either too clingy or not wanting to talk to them and me being unintetionally manipulative and me complaining and me just not trying at all. i never feel worthy of being their friend. then well drift apart and then ill go "oh damn im lonely" but by then im too scared to try and talk to them again. maybe theyll notice me and start chatting with me again but it never really lasts because i screw it up with my commitment issues. then well never talk again. it hurts each time.
i dont really want to be like this, y'know? i don't want to screw up every relationship i touch and i want to stop feeling so useless all the time and i definitely want to stop feeling like i could just drop off the earth and no one would notice. i want to change but the thought of doing so just sorta... scares me. where do i start? how do i do it? i want to make sure that its not always like this, but i feel trapped and unsure if anything will ever change. i hope that everything will be better one day but i also hoped that i could keep a relationship alive since grade 3 so hope hasnt really done much for me so far. i mean, im still young, right? theres still plenty of time for everything to turn out. why the heck should i be complaining about this? might as well tough it out like i did with the last 10 years of my life, right? because there are other ways to make people care about you other than complaining about how life's been treating you so far, right?
if you couldn't tell, i walked into highschool with the full intent of making friends and failed really badly at that. so now im still lonely and even less likely to be noticed. great. so yeah, thats it. nobody's dead and im not fighting with any of my friends (haha thats because i have none) and im pretty sure im not struggling with a mental illness so this is pretty much a kid complaining about how much life hates them even though life is actually waiting around the corner with a baseball bat. if you actually bothered to read through all that, wow, kudos to you. i couldnt even manage to do that, it turned out way longer than expected
tl;dr - squiffy legitimately has no friends
also im going to regret posting this immediately so im just going to poof for a bit and forget i did this in a while
i am terrible with people. i have never had a "close" friend. i have never had a group that i felt like a belong in. i always feel detached from the outside world because im too scared to put myself out there. this is how its always been. every now and then someone will be like, "hey, i'm your friend, you can talk to me" etc. but then we'll never really talk, because they have other friends and i'm too scared to reach out and go "hey, im still here." or maybe i do, but no one really cares so then i go back to not really existing to them. maybe theyll invite me to a party or theyll remind me that "hey, im your friend" but thats not what it feels like, y'know?
other times, theyll actually make an effort to talk to me and include me and it always makes me so guilty because i feel like im not meeting them halfway. they're trying so hard to be interested to me, to stay in touch and what the heck am i doing? they have to deal with me being either too clingy or not wanting to talk to them and me being unintetionally manipulative and me complaining and me just not trying at all. i never feel worthy of being their friend. then well drift apart and then ill go "oh damn im lonely" but by then im too scared to try and talk to them again. maybe theyll notice me and start chatting with me again but it never really lasts because i screw it up with my commitment issues. then well never talk again. it hurts each time.
i dont really want to be like this, y'know? i don't want to screw up every relationship i touch and i want to stop feeling so useless all the time and i definitely want to stop feeling like i could just drop off the earth and no one would notice. i want to change but the thought of doing so just sorta... scares me. where do i start? how do i do it? i want to make sure that its not always like this, but i feel trapped and unsure if anything will ever change. i hope that everything will be better one day but i also hoped that i could keep a relationship alive since grade 3 so hope hasnt really done much for me so far. i mean, im still young, right? theres still plenty of time for everything to turn out. why the heck should i be complaining about this? might as well tough it out like i did with the last 10 years of my life, right? because there are other ways to make people care about you other than complaining about how life's been treating you so far, right?
if you couldn't tell, i walked into highschool with the full intent of making friends and failed really badly at that. so now im still lonely and even less likely to be noticed. great. so yeah, thats it. nobody's dead and im not fighting with any of my friends (haha thats because i have none) and im pretty sure im not struggling with a mental illness so this is pretty much a kid complaining about how much life hates them even though life is actually waiting around the corner with a baseball bat. if you actually bothered to read through all that, wow, kudos to you. i couldnt even manage to do that, it turned out way longer than expected
tl;dr - squiffy legitimately has no friends
also im going to regret posting this immediately so im just going to poof for a bit and forget i did this in a while