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Post by greene on Oct 7, 2016 20:29:42 GMT -5
how do u help a friend who's like..... the world is really, really rough on them.
rant ahead. abuse tw
i've known this kid since late last year. we met through a mutual friend in a language class, and he's a year under me. he was a nice, friendly kid at first, sweet, kinda edgy, but that's ok because he was young and a boy and they're like that so idc. also irrelevant really but anyway
we got to screwing around w/o our mutual friend, not outside of school but still talking / texting on our own, etc, and i got to know him a little better as we worked on projects and stuff together. and eventually he told me that his dad hits him. casually. like really, really casually. and since i've never been confronted w anything like that before i just kinda laughed with him, obviously didn't brush him off completely ("that's not good / are you okay / etc" in a kind of joking-but-not-really way) but kind of went with it bc i literally didn't know what else to do in this kind of situation.
then i told my mom, who's a nurse and therefore a mandated reporter. she called the school, they said they couldn't do anything about it (worthless), so i decided to text him that night and confront him directly about it with the whole "this isn't okay / he could really hurt you / that's not right / seriously are you okay it's not funny anymore" spiel etc etc etc. what followed was a heck-ton of details that i won't go into, but to summarize he continued to joke about it, we talked a lot more, got oddly closer, joked, he got irritated with me, didn't want help, joked, he drunk texted me, ranted about his girlfriend, joked, joked, are you okay, yeah, joked, basically texted each other every day almost, didn't talk about serious things because i didn't want to make him feel crappy, should i call CPS, i don't know, his mom might have pancreatic cancer, what the hell why is the world so cruel to you, cried, joked, made the mistake of telling him i liked him, our relationship went sour, haven't really talked like humans since.
anyway that's a really crappy description bc so much more happened but i doubt a lot of people have even read this far so i'm not going to go into it here.
we talked a little bit over the summer but after i told him i liked him it kinda went cold between us (he had a girlfriend at the time who was awful to him and he knew it, but regardless of whether he just didn't return the feeling or what the deal was there, the point was that we were weird after that) and he wasn't jokey like he was before. i felt bad so i stopped talking to him after a bit. we get back to school after summer and he says hey to me in the hallway, a little casual conversation here and there, nothing more than a few minutes and nothing serious. still not exactly back to the way we were, but it's something.
the thing is, i still think about him. not even in a romantic way. i just feel really bad about sort of leaving him the way he was. the boy admitted to me that he hated himself, said a lot of drastic things (including "i'm not suicidal i just can't wait to die" which is like The #1 Depression Thing), didn't want people to care about him because he didn't want to be that kind of burden, bad parents, bad girlfriend, bad friends, one parent really sick, etc etc etc. it's a never-ending list with him.
and everytime i think about it i just.... why didn't i do more ?? can you help someone who doesn't want help ? i still think like... if his dad does something really awful to him one day, or if he goes on living like this just bc the world dealt him a really, really bad hand.... idk. i just feel really, really nervous about everything & when i do want to do something i don't know what to do. at all. what do i do????
& i know probably no one read this lol but that's okay i kinda just wanted to rant. advice would be extremely appreciated tho so thank you if u actually did put up with all this god bless
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2016 20:34:23 GMT -5
You could call a hotline for him... maybe... I'm not good with this stuff.
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Post by greene on Oct 7, 2016 20:37:43 GMT -5
You could call a hotline for him... maybe... I'm not good with this stuff. lol it's ok i appreciate the idea and yeah i could but.... the problem is that a) he doesn't want help at all and if he found out i actually told anyone he'd hate me forever and c) i don't want to accidentally uproot his entire life in one go like i essentially almost did last year i'm such an asshole lol again most of this is just me ranting but thank u (& i understand, it's kinda heavy)
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Post by greene on Oct 7, 2016 20:42:20 GMT -5
•ℒ•
get him help immediately, even if he doesn't want it. i knew somebody in real life. his dad got particularly violent one night and broke the kid's jaw with a punch, including other, more horrible things... he lives with his aunt now
•℘• am full of dread @ the idea but seriously considering it. i think i'll try to hit him up again on Mon and see how things go maybe.... and i'll bring it up to my mom again. she'll motivate me somehow.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2016 20:49:10 GMT -5
Speaking from experience (on both sides), no, you can't help someone who doesn't want help - or, at least, not in the way that you want to help him. And like, that feeling is one of the most frustrating things in the world, so I feel for you right now. It's like being completely helpless. It sucks. I know it's easy to feel like you're not doing Enough and you're failing, but I promise, you're in a hard situation that isn't your fault, and you're doing your best. Sometimes, things are just bad, and there's nothing anyone can do.
I think right now, the best thing you can do for him is follow his cues. I know this sounds kind of counter-intuitive, but if you take the conversation places he isn't ready to go, then he's just going to get uncomfortable and pull away, and then you're not going to be able to help him at all. This is the frustrating part, but you have to let him come to the realization that he's in a bad spot and he deserves better on his own. Nobody can force him there. What you can do is just be there while he starts moving towards that place - which, hopefully, he will. If he brings any of it up jokingly again, maybe ask him how you can help? Like, "Is there anything you want me to do?" If he says no, then respect that. Maybe also remind him that you'll be there for him if he changes his mind, but then back off, because again, he's kind of got to get there on his own. If he ever comes to you with anything, give him what he says he needs. Let him vent if he wants to vent, and don't push advice if he says he doesn't want any. If he wants real help - I guess you'll have to figure that out from there? It seems like the authorities aren't really cooperating anyway, which is awful and unfair, but you'll have to cross that bridge when you come to it.
And like, all of that restraint is going to also suck, and it's going to make you feel like a crappy and useless friend, so here's the other half of it: sometimes, when you're in a bad place, the best thing anyone can do for you is just be there. Like, it's nice to have people around who laugh at your bad jokes and mess around with you and just exist in your life, even though your life is bad. Even though they know your life is bad, sometimes. Those people are important. And, honestly, you sound like a really caring and supportive friend, so I'm glad he has at least one of them around.
Good luck to both of you, honestly. I hope this helped a little. Hit me up if any of this is too confusing or messy.
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Post by greene on Oct 7, 2016 21:05:42 GMT -5
Speaking from experience (on both sides), no, you can't help someone who doesn't want help - or, at least, not in the way that you want to help him. And like, that feeling is one of the most frustrating things in the world, so I feel for you right now. It's like being completely helpless. It sucks. I know it's easy to feel like you're not doing Enough and you're failing, but I promise, you're in a hard situation that isn't your fault, and you're doing your best. Sometimes, things are just bad, and there's nothing anyone can do. I think right now, the best thing you can do for him is follow his cues. I know this sounds kind of counter-intuitive, but if you take the conversation places he isn't ready to go, then he's just going to get uncomfortable and pull away, and then you're not going to be able to help him at all. This is the frustrating part, but you have to let him come to the realization that he's in a bad spot and he deserves better on his own. Nobody can force him there. What you can do is just be there while he starts moving towards that place - which, hopefully, he will. If he brings any of it up jokingly again, maybe ask him how you can help? Like, "Is there anything you want me to do?" If he says no, then respect that. Maybe also remind him that you'll be there for him if he changes his mind, but then back off, because again, he's kind of got to get there on his own. If he ever comes to you with anything, give him what he says he needs. Let him vent if he wants to vent, and don't push advice if he says he doesn't want any. If he wants real help - I guess you'll have to figure that out from there? It seems like the authorities aren't really cooperating anyway, which is awful and unfair, but you'll have to cross that bridge when you come to it. And like, all of that restraint is going to also suck, and it's going to make you feel like a crappy and useless friend, so here's the other half of it: sometimes, when you're in a bad place, the best thing anyone can do for you is just be there. Like, it's nice to have people around who laugh at your bad jokes and mess around with you and just exist in your life, even though your life is bad. Even though they know your life is bad, sometimes. Those people are important. And, honestly, you sound like a really caring and supportive friend, so I'm glad he has at least one of them around. Good luck to both of you, honestly. I hope this helped a little. Hit me up if any of this is too confusing or messy. this is actually really helpful, thank you for this. this is the thing my parents have kind of been telling me (Esp my father); i know i can't help someone who doesn't want help. i know that, but it's like... i can't, y'know? does that make sense? like i can't make myself ignore something like that and then live with it. just...without having done anything. on one hand i agree with you completely, but then i'm thinking... what if something really bad happens to him one day, and i could have done something, and i didn't? what if he gets really hurt or worse and i could have prevented it? is changing your life worse than being dead? is wanting to be dead worse than changing your life? i don't know lmfao i don't know i don't know it's just a bunch of questions that i literally cannot possibly answer about a person who now almost feels like a stranger to me. i feel like i have no business being involved with him (and really, i don't) and yet i can't consciously let a person ruin himself. i don't want to push him, pushing him obviously resulted in some very bad outcomes, but what else do i do?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2016 21:14:17 GMT -5
Speaking from experience (on both sides), no, you can't help someone who doesn't want help - or, at least, not in the way that you want to help him. And like, that feeling is one of the most frustrating things in the world, so I feel for you right now. It's like being completely helpless. It sucks. I know it's easy to feel like you're not doing Enough and you're failing, but I promise, you're in a hard situation that isn't your fault, and you're doing your best. Sometimes, things are just bad, and there's nothing anyone can do. I think right now, the best thing you can do for him is follow his cues. I know this sounds kind of counter-intuitive, but if you take the conversation places he isn't ready to go, then he's just going to get uncomfortable and pull away, and then you're not going to be able to help him at all. This is the frustrating part, but you have to let him come to the realization that he's in a bad spot and he deserves better on his own. Nobody can force him there. What you can do is just be there while he starts moving towards that place - which, hopefully, he will. If he brings any of it up jokingly again, maybe ask him how you can help? Like, "Is there anything you want me to do?" If he says no, then respect that. Maybe also remind him that you'll be there for him if he changes his mind, but then back off, because again, he's kind of got to get there on his own. If he ever comes to you with anything, give him what he says he needs. Let him vent if he wants to vent, and don't push advice if he says he doesn't want any. If he wants real help - I guess you'll have to figure that out from there? It seems like the authorities aren't really cooperating anyway, which is awful and unfair, but you'll have to cross that bridge when you come to it. And like, all of that restraint is going to also suck, and it's going to make you feel like a crappy and useless friend, so here's the other half of it: sometimes, when you're in a bad place, the best thing anyone can do for you is just be there. Like, it's nice to have people around who laugh at your bad jokes and mess around with you and just exist in your life, even though your life is bad. Even though they know your life is bad, sometimes. Those people are important. And, honestly, you sound like a really caring and supportive friend, so I'm glad he has at least one of them around. Good luck to both of you, honestly. I hope this helped a little. Hit me up if any of this is too confusing or messy. this is actually really helpful, thank you for this. this is the thing my parents have kind of been telling me (Esp my father); i know i can't help someone who doesn't want help. i know that, but it's like... i can't, y'know? does that make sense? like i can't make myself ignore something like that and then live with it. just...without having done anything. on one hand i agree with you completely, but then i'm thinking... what if something really bad happens to him one day, and i could have done something, and i didn't? what if he gets really hurt or worse and i could have prevented it? is changing your life worse than being dead? is wanting to be dead worse than changing your life? i don't know lmfao i don't know i don't know it's just a bunch of questions that i literally cannot possibly answer about a person who now almost feels like a stranger to me. i feel like i have no business being involved with him (and really, i don't) and yet i can't consciously let a person ruin himself. i don't want to push him, pushing him obviously resulted in some very bad outcomes, but what else do i do? Yeah, that's definitely the other side of it, and I'm not dismissing it at all. If you do something, you might lose him, and there's no guarantee that he'll really get help. If you do nothing, he might open up to you, but he also might never tell you anything, and he might get seriously hurt. I kind of gave you my perspective, but it's a gamble either way, and there's no way to know how it's going to end until you get there. I think the best way to help him is to earn his trust so that he's eventually (hopefully) willing to let you help him, and that losing that trust could result in him getting in a bad situation and never reaching out to you, but you're right to worry that you might not have time to wait it out until he's ready to accept help, and I'm sorry that I can't give you an easier answer. I wish I could. The only real advice I can give you is to be kind to yourself. It's not your fault that his situation is so awful, and the fact that you're so worried about doing the right thing means you're a good person. I know things are rocky between you two right now, but he's lucky to have you looking out for him. Maybe another option is to just be honest? Tell him you're torn and you're sorry and you want to help, but you need him to work with you right now. (I have to go, but we can talk more later?)
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