Post by Sanders on Oct 5, 2016 22:38:21 GMT -5
tw for like depression and anxiety i guess?? i don't really talk about it.
so recently my life has kind of nose dived into a pit of depression and anxiety with me having random bouts of anxiety that are seemingly not caused by anything in particular and me being unable to sleep a good chunk of the time.
for those of you who don't know, im a fairly schedule orientated person. i like to have things to go to that are consistent or at least occupy my time. for someone my age this consistent thing would usually be school. unfortunately, i have no motivation nor desire to go to school anymore so i haven't been. it's both the best and worst decision ive ever made. here's why. the reason it's good is because i hate the american education system with a burning passion. school never has and never will be something i enjoy or appreciate for the sole fact that i have not learned a single thing in my 14 years of going to school. it's too stressful for me and honestly it also kicks my depression into high gear. so im no longer stressed about that. however, i don't have anything to do all day long and i barely have a job right now. im trying to look for work but it's kind of hard right now especially because for the past month ive been running all over the health care system with therapy and doctor's appointments to try and get a letter and approval to start testosterone. and i still don't even know how many more appointments i have to schedule in the future and what that's going to look like.
now on the back of all these doctor's appointments has been the fact that i have to actually come out now about being trans. which has caused tension among my immediate family and comments that i really could have lived without. which is like 100% the reason i didn't want to tell them. not because they're unsupportive (which they kind of are but not horribly) but because it's lead to so much awkwardness around the house and i honestly wish i could move out. but i can't move out rn.
and normally this wouldn't be the worst thing ever because normally id have my gf around. well nope because she's off at college. and there's no reasonable way i can go see her because she's too far away. and honestly she's like the only support system i have. (i have other friends but honestly for them im the friend that has their crap together so if that's not saying something) and it's been really hard not having her around just for the emotional support and stuff because like i don't have anybody else in my life who is like her. and while she's away she's not really around when i need her to be. and i can't expect her to be around for me all the time because like she's got her own life and she's got her own stuff to do.
i feel so alone sometimes.
and now im just getting to a point where im taking a shower and i start hyperventilating and shaking and i don't even know why im doing it.
and im just at a point where i never feel truly happy about anything. im going through the motions of life but i barely feel like i can do them and i feel nothing.
and like the one thing i am working towards i don't even know if ill be able to go through with because i don't really have steady income right now and i have other things to take care of first before this.
i just want one good thing to happen to me for once.
so recently my life has kind of nose dived into a pit of depression and anxiety with me having random bouts of anxiety that are seemingly not caused by anything in particular and me being unable to sleep a good chunk of the time.
for those of you who don't know, im a fairly schedule orientated person. i like to have things to go to that are consistent or at least occupy my time. for someone my age this consistent thing would usually be school. unfortunately, i have no motivation nor desire to go to school anymore so i haven't been. it's both the best and worst decision ive ever made. here's why. the reason it's good is because i hate the american education system with a burning passion. school never has and never will be something i enjoy or appreciate for the sole fact that i have not learned a single thing in my 14 years of going to school. it's too stressful for me and honestly it also kicks my depression into high gear. so im no longer stressed about that. however, i don't have anything to do all day long and i barely have a job right now. im trying to look for work but it's kind of hard right now especially because for the past month ive been running all over the health care system with therapy and doctor's appointments to try and get a letter and approval to start testosterone. and i still don't even know how many more appointments i have to schedule in the future and what that's going to look like.
now on the back of all these doctor's appointments has been the fact that i have to actually come out now about being trans. which has caused tension among my immediate family and comments that i really could have lived without. which is like 100% the reason i didn't want to tell them. not because they're unsupportive (which they kind of are but not horribly) but because it's lead to so much awkwardness around the house and i honestly wish i could move out. but i can't move out rn.
and normally this wouldn't be the worst thing ever because normally id have my gf around. well nope because she's off at college. and there's no reasonable way i can go see her because she's too far away. and honestly she's like the only support system i have. (i have other friends but honestly for them im the friend that has their crap together so if that's not saying something) and it's been really hard not having her around just for the emotional support and stuff because like i don't have anybody else in my life who is like her. and while she's away she's not really around when i need her to be. and i can't expect her to be around for me all the time because like she's got her own life and she's got her own stuff to do.
i feel so alone sometimes.
and now im just getting to a point where im taking a shower and i start hyperventilating and shaking and i don't even know why im doing it.
and im just at a point where i never feel truly happy about anything. im going through the motions of life but i barely feel like i can do them and i feel nothing.
and like the one thing i am working towards i don't even know if ill be able to go through with because i don't really have steady income right now and i have other things to take care of first before this.
i just want one good thing to happen to me for once.