Post by qυeeɴ oғ ɢнoѕтlιɴɢѕ on Oct 5, 2016 13:41:44 GMT -5
Okay so I'm going to give up caring about anything anymore. I'm tired of people telling me they want to try to be friends one day and the legit next they tell me I'm too demanding cause I text them and treat them like all my other friends and that I'm suddenly blaming them which I'm just no I'm pointing out the fact that I can either respond nicely like I try to in most situations or I can be the me I feel like being. I've gone through so much crap in my life and I have managed to be so nice and kind to people despite it but there comes a point when you just can't be like that anymore. I'm afraid I reached that point and every little thing sets me off and I just want to shut myself away and give into it all; the loneliness, the emptiness, the lack of color and life in the words. I want to just give in and let myself waste away so that I don't butt into anyone else's life and mess things up anymore. I feel like things would be better if I was gone. No one really likes me, I have no friends in real life, I haven't heard a friendly voice with a face in a while, and I just want to go back to when I hurt myself or even worse. I feel like every words of comfort or kindness are out of pity and lies just to make the other feel like they are saving someone. I want to restart everything. I want to wake up from this nightmare and this time things will be right. I thought things were turning around in my life but now I just can't feel or see anything with an ounce of life in them. I feel so robotic and like I'm just putting on an act. Even saying that I'm fine doesn't even convince anyone even myself. I'm just so tired and not even distractions work or music. I feel like there is no hope anymore and that was the only thing that was keeping me alive, the feeling that there was hope. Now I'm just numb. There is no spark, the path is dark, and the sky is shattering and coming down around me. There's just nothing anymore. No good things that happen each day, no real smiles. I just smile sadly and I don't remember how to even fake one. Nothing feels right and everyone is leaving me. I have no one. I have people online but I have never heard their voice and seen them talking and it just feels all too fake. I'm just alone. I can't even see a single person down the road that would hold out their hand for me to take. Visualizing things doesn't help and I just feel like I'm sitting on this cliff and if I wanted to I could just fall, but there are all these things pushing me and I'm terrified. All I can feel is fear and despair. I don't want to lose hope or fall down off this cliff cause I can see the sky from here but I just can't keep pushing back anymore. Would it be so bad to let those things push me off this cliff? Would anything really have gotten better? I'm useless, a failure, a waste of life. No one loves me, care about me, or anything. I'm completely and utterly alone in this world. I just look at a screen for empty words and monotone thoughts reading the print to myself. I can't tell tone or emotion or anything. I want to hear someone, feel something, talk to someone. But I can't. No one here cares. I could just disappear and no one would notice. Maybe that would be for the best. I don't know why I'm even posting this. I try so hard but I always just mess up in the end. I guess maybe that's irony of life.