Post by shortstop on Oct 4, 2016 17:09:53 GMT -5
so for a few years ive been wondering if i have a depression disorder. my mom suffers from clinical, and i was wondering a few years ago if i did too. "don't worry, you don't have it. you'd know if you did." was the only thing she'd tell me if i brought it up.
i self-harmed a few years ago. once. my family never realized, but my friends did, and they made me swear never to do it again. since then, i've picked up a knife a few times and brought it to my skin, but i could never bring myself to do it and break that swear.
i still don't know if i have a psychological condition. haven't been diagnosed, but everything's been getting especially bad lately. i can't sleep and when i do i'm still tired. i can sleep for 12 hours and still be exhausted. i've been really cranky as well, i'm not really sure if that's from a lack of sleep and being tired or whether that's something different entirely.
finally, it all came to a head last week. my family never found out about my self harm, but they had noticed that i was always exhausted, so they told me to go to the doctor. anemia was the popular theory- i'm pale, probably don't have enough iron in my diet, and it runs in our family as well, so it makes sense.
so today i went to the doctor, and he checked me out. he took bloodwork and that good stuff, but i'm not really showing any other signs of anemia or mono, which was another possibility. he sent my grandmother (who drove me) out of the room and started asking me questions, like trying to figure out whether i'm pregnant. (spoiler alert: i'm not.)
i thought back to everything. my theories on my own mental state from a few years ago, even though i had been dismissed because "omg you're such a positive person, you can't possibly have depression!!11" and finally worked up the courage to ask if depression or anxiety could be the cause of everything. he asked me a few more questions, including a few about self harm and/or suicide, which tbh i kind of didn't want to talk about but did anyway. but basically he confirmed that yes. i might have an issue that needs exploring.
it sounds crazy, but it was almost good to hear that it was possible. i can put a name to my enemy now. i don't have to worry about whether i'm nuts or just an overdramatic angsty teenager.
he brought my grandmother back in (after promising not to tell her about the self harm) and basically filled her in on how it might be my mental state rather than physical.
she's still convinced that it's anemia, that my bloodwork will come back and show us the truth.
there's too many emotions to process right now. i'm angry that no one except the doctor will seem to accept depression as a reason for what's going on. i'm a weird sort of happy that there's an explanation for how i've been feeling for years. i'm scared that when my dad comes home and the doctor calls and tells about my self harm, he'll treat me differently. i'm afraid that he'll not want to leave me in the house alone anymore. i'm afraid that people will dismiss it. but most of all... i'm just tired.
i self-harmed a few years ago. once. my family never realized, but my friends did, and they made me swear never to do it again. since then, i've picked up a knife a few times and brought it to my skin, but i could never bring myself to do it and break that swear.
i still don't know if i have a psychological condition. haven't been diagnosed, but everything's been getting especially bad lately. i can't sleep and when i do i'm still tired. i can sleep for 12 hours and still be exhausted. i've been really cranky as well, i'm not really sure if that's from a lack of sleep and being tired or whether that's something different entirely.
finally, it all came to a head last week. my family never found out about my self harm, but they had noticed that i was always exhausted, so they told me to go to the doctor. anemia was the popular theory- i'm pale, probably don't have enough iron in my diet, and it runs in our family as well, so it makes sense.
so today i went to the doctor, and he checked me out. he took bloodwork and that good stuff, but i'm not really showing any other signs of anemia or mono, which was another possibility. he sent my grandmother (who drove me) out of the room and started asking me questions, like trying to figure out whether i'm pregnant. (spoiler alert: i'm not.)
i thought back to everything. my theories on my own mental state from a few years ago, even though i had been dismissed because "omg you're such a positive person, you can't possibly have depression!!11" and finally worked up the courage to ask if depression or anxiety could be the cause of everything. he asked me a few more questions, including a few about self harm and/or suicide, which tbh i kind of didn't want to talk about but did anyway. but basically he confirmed that yes. i might have an issue that needs exploring.
it sounds crazy, but it was almost good to hear that it was possible. i can put a name to my enemy now. i don't have to worry about whether i'm nuts or just an overdramatic angsty teenager.
he brought my grandmother back in (after promising not to tell her about the self harm) and basically filled her in on how it might be my mental state rather than physical.
she's still convinced that it's anemia, that my bloodwork will come back and show us the truth.
there's too many emotions to process right now. i'm angry that no one except the doctor will seem to accept depression as a reason for what's going on. i'm a weird sort of happy that there's an explanation for how i've been feeling for years. i'm scared that when my dad comes home and the doctor calls and tells about my self harm, he'll treat me differently. i'm afraid that he'll not want to leave me in the house alone anymore. i'm afraid that people will dismiss it. but most of all... i'm just tired.