Post by ω σ ʟ ғ н є α я т on Sept 24, 2016 19:27:48 GMT -5
The time has been long coming by now. If you don't want to read about death, please close this now.
(I was originally going to post this in OTD, but it appears something's happened. Feel free to modify this as needed, mods, because this is more of a selfish rant than anything.)
I've already taken it. I feel at peace; I was shaking but now all of my worries are gone. It's over.
Please keep in mind that I wrote this in advance, that it's too late, that there was nothing you could do. Don't blame yourself. Very few of you even know me. Even if you did, I beg you to take care of yourself.
When I was twelve and very new to the internet, my mom bought me a book. That book was The Fourth Apprentice, and I hated it. Talking cats with weird names? Please. Yet the writing somehow drew me in, and I grew to love the books. I used all my Christmas money to buy more, from Into the Wild to Sunrise. I craved the story, the tales of brave warriors and suffering and the action. I made my own warrior name Wolfheart. Wolves were my favorite animals, and what better way to tell from Wolfheart?
That was the very sn I used, *-Wolfheart-*, when I joined the original forums in 2012. I was completely oblivious, as were most of us; the first thing I posted was in OTD begging for help from my bullies. Silverdusk was the only person to reply. They understood, they said, they went the same thing. They gave me hope. I never forgot them. If you ever read this, I wish you the best of luck.
The rest of my time in the forums was a blur. I witnessed troll attacks, Ze Place of Fangirling, friends that I weep for when they read this, trolls, The House of Awesomeness, Tuesday's prompts, Cato's Den, The Writer's Guild, people who cared, a break from school, galloping abs, selfie threads, that place where everyone was named after a fruit, and too much more to say.
I met many new friends. I'll name a few for context, but please don't be sad if I didn't name you; Dawnsweet, Cato, Rainbow Dash, Gira, Petalmoon11, Mintleaf, The Wolf's Shadow, Shadowstalker, Smoke over Water, and of course, Silverdusk. People I admired but feared talking to were there too.
As I kept chatting with all of you, all of you, I realized something. You were my first friends. Not hang-out friends, not hey what's the homework friends, friends I could talk to about whatever and still be interested in. Some people say online friends can have no real connection, but that's just not true. I had a few scares for myself and others, but we got through them together.
The forums changed formats, twice actually, and still I went on. From home schooled to going to a real high school, my activity went down, though I always swore to come back.
Then they announced the closure.
I panicked. I'd always felt safe before, knowing that I could always come back into OTD and make new friends, see old ones, be on my way. But now? Now I couldn't do that, and it was scary. I gathered as many friends as I could, found a few of my closest ones who left, lost contact with many, got banned (for reposting a selfie thread), and came here. All was well again, I went back into my groove, howled with laughter and wept with sadness again.
I've always been shy. I won't go into detail, but I never had real friends. My immediate family and long distance are no contact, and while my parents try and I hate, I hate to put them through this, I knew. When things got worse - school, activities, even playing piano - I realized I couldn't go on. I could only do what I've known I would do for years, hanging over me, suffocating, gasping for air like a dead man underwater. Today is the day, I decided. It's nice outside, it's dark and the stars are somehow shining over the pollution. Fall's here, my favorite season, and the air outside is fresh and crisp and makes me want to run and feel that rush of power as I scream.
Why write this, you might be asking yourself. Why do this when so many others have made it through, you're a coward, we love you, why. The answer is... I don't care. I really don't. Not about me, not about you, not about anything. All those friends I mentioned? I love them, but I don't care for them. If it were between me or them, I would kill them in a heartbeat. I've always been like this; nothing matters, is this just fantasy? (I had to sneak a Queen quote in somewhere, sorry. Their music got me through many a tough night.) I'm doing this for my safety, for everyone's. I don't know what's after death. If it's eternal punishment or pain or nothing or harps or feast halls or agony. Though I started to ramble, here's my goal; I'm here to tell you thank you.
All of you. Even if you don't know me, even if you laugh about how fake this is afterwards, I want to thank you. For being here. For making me laugh until I cried, when I actually cried, when I was immature and disgusting, when I witnessed things, for caring about me. For lazy mornings spent browsing OTD or fanfiction, sobbing my eyes out over emotional OC's, The Cats flame wars over Ashfur (for StarClan's sake, he should be in the Dark Forest), for everything. I can't even begin to type everything out because it would take forever.
My parents might log on again to give you some closure, but my time is over. I ache for you. Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Who knows, I might even see you again. Just know that I love you, even if my heart won't let me.
Thank You.
- Wolfheart, aka Sabrina
(I was originally going to post this in OTD, but it appears something's happened. Feel free to modify this as needed, mods, because this is more of a selfish rant than anything.)
I've already taken it. I feel at peace; I was shaking but now all of my worries are gone. It's over.
Please keep in mind that I wrote this in advance, that it's too late, that there was nothing you could do. Don't blame yourself. Very few of you even know me. Even if you did, I beg you to take care of yourself.
When I was twelve and very new to the internet, my mom bought me a book. That book was The Fourth Apprentice, and I hated it. Talking cats with weird names? Please. Yet the writing somehow drew me in, and I grew to love the books. I used all my Christmas money to buy more, from Into the Wild to Sunrise. I craved the story, the tales of brave warriors and suffering and the action. I made my own warrior name Wolfheart. Wolves were my favorite animals, and what better way to tell from Wolfheart?
That was the very sn I used, *-Wolfheart-*, when I joined the original forums in 2012. I was completely oblivious, as were most of us; the first thing I posted was in OTD begging for help from my bullies. Silverdusk was the only person to reply. They understood, they said, they went the same thing. They gave me hope. I never forgot them. If you ever read this, I wish you the best of luck.
The rest of my time in the forums was a blur. I witnessed troll attacks, Ze Place of Fangirling, friends that I weep for when they read this, trolls, The House of Awesomeness, Tuesday's prompts, Cato's Den, The Writer's Guild, people who cared, a break from school, galloping abs, selfie threads, that place where everyone was named after a fruit, and too much more to say.
I met many new friends. I'll name a few for context, but please don't be sad if I didn't name you; Dawnsweet, Cato, Rainbow Dash, Gira, Petalmoon11, Mintleaf, The Wolf's Shadow, Shadowstalker, Smoke over Water, and of course, Silverdusk. People I admired but feared talking to were there too.
As I kept chatting with all of you, all of you, I realized something. You were my first friends. Not hang-out friends, not hey what's the homework friends, friends I could talk to about whatever and still be interested in. Some people say online friends can have no real connection, but that's just not true. I had a few scares for myself and others, but we got through them together.
The forums changed formats, twice actually, and still I went on. From home schooled to going to a real high school, my activity went down, though I always swore to come back.
Then they announced the closure.
I panicked. I'd always felt safe before, knowing that I could always come back into OTD and make new friends, see old ones, be on my way. But now? Now I couldn't do that, and it was scary. I gathered as many friends as I could, found a few of my closest ones who left, lost contact with many, got banned (for reposting a selfie thread), and came here. All was well again, I went back into my groove, howled with laughter and wept with sadness again.
I've always been shy. I won't go into detail, but I never had real friends. My immediate family and long distance are no contact, and while my parents try and I hate, I hate to put them through this, I knew. When things got worse - school, activities, even playing piano - I realized I couldn't go on. I could only do what I've known I would do for years, hanging over me, suffocating, gasping for air like a dead man underwater. Today is the day, I decided. It's nice outside, it's dark and the stars are somehow shining over the pollution. Fall's here, my favorite season, and the air outside is fresh and crisp and makes me want to run and feel that rush of power as I scream.
Why write this, you might be asking yourself. Why do this when so many others have made it through, you're a coward, we love you, why. The answer is... I don't care. I really don't. Not about me, not about you, not about anything. All those friends I mentioned? I love them, but I don't care for them. If it were between me or them, I would kill them in a heartbeat. I've always been like this; nothing matters, is this just fantasy? (I had to sneak a Queen quote in somewhere, sorry. Their music got me through many a tough night.) I'm doing this for my safety, for everyone's. I don't know what's after death. If it's eternal punishment or pain or nothing or harps or feast halls or agony. Though I started to ramble, here's my goal; I'm here to tell you thank you.
All of you. Even if you don't know me, even if you laugh about how fake this is afterwards, I want to thank you. For being here. For making me laugh until I cried, when I actually cried, when I was immature and disgusting, when I witnessed things, for caring about me. For lazy mornings spent browsing OTD or fanfiction, sobbing my eyes out over emotional OC's, The Cats flame wars over Ashfur (for StarClan's sake, he should be in the Dark Forest), for everything. I can't even begin to type everything out because it would take forever.
My parents might log on again to give you some closure, but my time is over. I ache for you. Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Who knows, I might even see you again. Just know that I love you, even if my heart won't let me.
Thank You.
- Wolfheart, aka Sabrina
even if you don't know me I'd be more than happy to be someone who can listen 
