Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Jun 26, 2021 4:14:07 GMT -5
Elpis could read Orpheus’ mind. Elpis could replace their thoughts, could focus everything alive in Orpheus on one thing and one thing alone. L didn’t have that power. L had nothing but his voice and the memories they shared between themselves. L had nothing but the reassurance that no matter how hard the House had pushed, no matter how many times it had told Orpheus to kill L, Orpheus had never been able to go through with it. This wasn’t the House, though. They had no idea how far Elpis was willing to go. Neither L nor Orpheus had any guarantee that Orpheus would be able to resist it at all. They kept moving forward, unable to stop themselves. Unable to stop the way their eyes narrowed, shining with something like desire. A desire that had been twisted until it came out as something vile and ruthless. You’re not thinking. Orpheus felt the thoughts in their head shut down, felt the memories they were trying to grasp at slip away. They gave a soft, desperate cry as the resistance faltered, as they felt their hands make contact with L’s shoulders, pushing him against the wall and pinning him in place. They positioned themselves so L couldn’t strike out with a kick, their expression pinched and hard to read. Their hand was trembling as it raised up, fingers resting against L’s Adam’s apple. Push, their thoughts seemed to scream as their fingers spread apart, covering more area. “I… I remember you,” Orpheus echoed softly, staring at their hand instead of at L. They tried to move their fingers back together, tried to push through the veil blocking their thoughts. Their eyes closed for the barest of moments as they tried to reconcile the two voices currently battling for dominance in their head. When their eyes opened again, they didn’t dare look away from L’s face. His unreadable expression. His mask, the mask he had stopped wearing around Orpheus so long ago, the one he had been forced to put back on. His eyes, which he’d never been able to hide everything from. Orpheus focused on his eyes, managing to push back just a few centimeters. They were fighting for L. This beautiful, brilliant man. It was going to take a lot more than this to make them squeeze the life from him.
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Jun 26, 2021 13:17:02 GMT -5
Elpis knew they were powerful. They knew what they were, or at least, they knew who they were like. They didn’t know if there was a term for it. They were reluctant to use the word ‘god’ after Orpheus’ warning. But that felt less important now. This was a test of power, not language. This was what they were, more than the sounds they were referred to by. They thought they understood why the House had been afraid of them - they were equals. Elpis were powerful, too. They thought, maybe, they could actually do this. Of course, it was also possible the House just hadn’t cared much about them. But they thought it would have done something by now if that had been the case. They were getting excited. This was closer to the power they’d felt from the House. This was closer to answers. Maybe if they impressed the House, they thought a little wildly, it would even talk to them. They concentrated. It took effort, trying to move Orpheus forwards. They clearly didn’t want to go. Well, that was the point of this, wasn’t it? If they did it willingly, they wouldn’t prove anything at all. They wouldn’t discover anything. “You don’t remember him,” they pointed out calmly. “You’re not resisting at all.”
L didn’t struggle as he was pushed back, his shoulders hitting the wall, his back pressing against it. He didn’t fight Orpheus, not physically. He was aware that it would probably make it worse, not better. They weren’t enemies. He needed to just...remember that. He needed to remember that he could get through them, somehow, he could make it into their head, even if they didn’t have the power Elpis did. He didn’t mean to shut down his expression. It was what happened when he got emotional. This counted. He couldn’t help the way his face shifted, the way his eyes were the only part of him that showed emotion. Then the hand touched his neck and he tensed, unable to stop the pulse of fear through his expression. “You’re alright,” he breathed, keeping his voice soft. “You’re here, you’re alright, you’re going to be fine. Orpheus, please wake up. Please...I trust you. I trust you.”
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Jun 26, 2021 20:36:54 GMT -5
Orpheus’ eyes were wide as they held their hand to L’s throat, seconds away from pressing down and making L’s worst nightmare come true for a third time. Maybe more… they were having a hard time concentrating, they didn’t know if they had done this to L before, they didn’t know if the House had made them do it… they squeezed their eyes shut, trying to keep their hand still. The rest of their body could move as Elpis chose, but they weren’t going to press down. They weren’t going to steal the breath from L, not like this. If they were going to take L’s breath away, it would be by picking him up and spinning him, releasing that quiet, surprised laugh once again. They weren’t going to press down. They weren’t… “No!” Orpheus gasped, entire body tensing as Elpis’ words washed through them. “I remember you! I… remember him, I remember, I remember, I…” They could feel the memories slipping away, faster than they could grab at them. Faster than they could hold on. In their place were thoughts of hurting L, thoughts of pressing down, of how good it would make them feel, how necessary it was, there was nothing they wanted more, nothing better than killing the man in front of them… Orpheus’ resistance was far more difficult to get rid of than their memories. They were stubborn, and it wasn’t in their nature to hurt or kill. And L was a part of them, deep down, in a way that wasn’t so easily erased. They shifted just a little bit, but the pressure they were exerting on L’s neck didn’t increase, even as they searched his eyes with no spark of familiarity in their own. Wake up. I trust you. I trust you. L’s words, too, had an impact. They couldn’t bring the memories back, but they did make Orpheus’ brow furrow, made the tension in their arm loosen. Orpheus let their hand slide down so it rested below L’s neck, just above where his heart continued to beat. “Why… why do you trust me… if I want to hurt you?” The words were hard to get out, blocked by an urge Orpheus was struggling to fight against. They wanted to kill L. They wanted him to trust them. They didn’t know what they wanted, only that they couldn’t make themself move away. Whatever direction this was going, Orpheus was going to see it through.
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Jun 26, 2021 23:55:40 GMT -5
L didn’t move. He didn’t fight, though a part of him screamed that he had to, he neede to push Orpheus away, he couldn’t be strangled again, not by someone he loved, not by anyone, but especially not by Orpheus. He knew it would hurt Orpheus as much as it did him. That was the only thing that kept his eyes open and focused on the other person’s face. Orpheus had torn the breath from his lungs plenty of times, by smiling, by laughing, by playing music they obviously enjoyed playing...by merely existing as Orpheus. The irony was not lost on the detective as he stood pinned, waiting for the hand to press down. It was horrible, watching Orpheus forget. Listening to them try fruitlessly to hold onto the thoughts, the memories, the things they’d done together, picnics and long walks and dancing and singing and so much more. It wasn’t the first time it had been taken. L carried those memories, because if not him, then who? They’d be lost forever without his mind to hold them. The House would know, of course, but the House had never lived them. The House had never drowned in Orpheus’ eyes. It didn’t know what it felt like to kiss them. It would never hold their hand. Already, the other half of the memories was lost. How many times would it be torn away? “Because I know you,” he whispered, as if he already couldn’t breathe. Memories, not pressure, choked him. It was odd, how the first death seemed to be the worst. He’d died more than that one time now, it had been years ago, and still he could see the flash of pure green sadness if he wasn’t careful. “You are not going to hurt me. I know you.”
“You’re pressing down now,” Elpis told them. “Hard. You’re pressing down as hard as you can. You want to hurt him. You want to kill him. You’re desperate to kill him.” What words would work best? Did phrasing matter? Was intent more important? They experimented, pushing their will around in Orpheus’ head, tugging at their resistance, which was proving hard to get rid of. It was like they just couldn’t get it to shut off. “You’re killing him now, by pressing down and crushing his windpipe with your hand,” they added, in case they hadn’t been specific enough.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Jun 27, 2021 0:15:57 GMT -5
Orpheus closed their eyes for another long moment, their mind fighting Elpis’ influence as hard as it possibly could. They managed to leverage their hand down, managed to press against L’s shoulder instead of his neck, managed to resist as much as they possibly could. The man they were pinning was nobody. The man they were pinning meant everything. They wanted him dead. They would die in his place a thousand times over if it meant guaranteeing him even one more breath. Orpheus was a being of paradoxes, it seemed. They couldn’t remember the man’s name. They couldn’t remember why they cared, why their heart hammered so desperately against their chest. They weren’t going to kill this man. It was the only thing they had been fully aware of as the rest of their memories faded away into nothingness. They remembered their life. They remembered everything that L hadn’t touched, but that left holes. Holes that didn’t make sense, that probably could have been easily filled if they were allowed to pay attention to anything but the overwhelming urge to press down. To take the life they currently held in their hands. Slowly, the hand Orpheus wasn’t using to press L into the wall lowered, reaching across to find one of L’s hands. They may not have known L, but they trusted him more than they trusted themself. There was no explanation, but it was the truth. They couldn’t control their instincts, but they were inclined to trust them. “I want to hurt you,” Orpheus whispered, moving forward just enough that their words were scarcely more than a breath that floated past L’s ear. “I want to kill you.” They let their forehead brush against L’s for a long moment before they pulled away, gaze focused on L’s neck. “I’m desperate to kill you.” Orpheus inclined their head forward, lips very gently brushing against the skin of L’s neck as they pressed a kiss to the places their fingers may have left bruises had they pressed down. Orpheus pulled back, unsure why the impulse had come over them, temporarily quieting Elpis’ voice as it kept speaking, kept urging them to kill L. It would be so easy… it would be necessary… they wanted to kill L… it wasn’t all true. It was hard to think past the flood Elpis tried to crash down around them, but something about being near L made it a little easier, though Orpheus still had no idea of who L might be. Someone important. Someone they would give their life to save without even taking a moment to think.
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Jun 27, 2021 0:51:03 GMT -5
L didn’t fight the hands pressing him back against the wall, the hands firm on his shoulders, unrelenting against his neck, but not pressing, not pressing there. Not hurting. Not killing. Just...present. It was enough to make tension flood L’s entire body, enough to set his nervous system on fire, enough to spark terror in his heart, but it wasn’t enough to make him pull away. He wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t. Orpheus would just have to kill him first. He would come back. Terror thudded in his chest, beating his ribs like the wings of a panicked bird, but he ignored it, his wide dark eyes fixed on their face, the features he’d memorized long ago, the ones he’d seen before death before. If he could only meet their eyes one more time, maybe death wouldn’t be so bad after all. And still, Orpheus didn’t press. What were they waiting for? Did Elpis want to make it longer? Or was Orpheus once again struggling against their pull, fighting the influence they were under. L suspected the latter, because he knew Orpheus. He didn’t look down as the hand found his own. He took it without question, his fingers closing gently around theirs, his grip firm, a little shaky, but there. He would not pull away. He would not pull away. He would not pull away, He didn’t pull away. The words they whispered met with silence. L didn’t have an answer. He didn’t have a cure. His only defense was his heart, and Orpheus could feel that, now, could feel it racing. His only reply was his gaze, dark and steady. He couldn’t drown the voice in Orpheus’ head. He couldn’t fight the way Elpis did. But the House wasn’t the only thing that didn’t know what it was like to be in love with Orpheus. He tilted his chin up. Exposing his neck, to the kiss, to the hand, to life, to death. He wasn’t trying to tempt Orpheus. But he refused to flinch. “I love you,” he whispered back, finding his voice, “without apology. I love you without strings, I love you without the need for anything in return. I love you and there’s nothing you can do about it.” Elpis wasn’t moving. They seemed almost surprised, like they hadn’t expected Orpheus to be able to do anything to resist them. Their control didn’t shift, but their voice trailed off for a moment. L didn’t know if it was enough, but he hoped. He hoped.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Jun 27, 2021 1:10:02 GMT -5
Orpheus breathed out, searching L’s gaze uncertainly. Elpis’ voice hadn’t ceased in their head. Their attempt to resist hadn’t gotten rid of the urges Elpis was trying to push on them, but it had given them a brief moment away from them. A moment to breathe, even if they weren’t themself. They couldn’t be themself without L, though they didn’t know that. They felt the hole in their heart, though. The hole that fit L, but that they mistook for the one that had once fit Eurydice. In their memory, there was no L to help patch that wound back up. If Orpheus knew they were making it harder for L by hesitating, by not pressing down… they would have fought harder. They would have tried to wrench their hand off of L’s neck, but they were already doing everything they could. Resisting was no easy feat. It was like… well, it was like trying to go without breathing for more than a few seconds at a time. Eventually, your body made you breathe again. Eventually, Orpheus’ mind was pulled back to Elpis’ attempts and words, no matter how hard Orpheus tried to push back against them. Their mind was a battleground, and Orpheus had been given a knife in a war where Elpis was armed head to toe with cannons and guns. There was no winning, but you could still fight. You could always fight. And sometimes, just sometimes, you could win a little bit of ground just by surprising the opponent with the fact that you were willing to fight back, even knowing how outnumbered you were. Orpheus allowed their gaze to drop down to where their hand was grasped in L’s. The voice in their head told them to tear their hand back, but they found they didn’t want to do that. They wanted to hold on, wanted to learn what lay beneath the surface of those dark, sad eyes, wanted to do everything they could to make the man in front of them smile. “Love,” Orpheus echoed, searching L’s expression as they did their best to push away the thoughts that were still flooding their mind. They weren’t certain how they had gotten there… they weren’t quite able to connect what was happening with Elpis. They weren’t considering that they could tell their friend to stop at any moment, and their request would be heeded. “I think,” they managed, shifting their weight so they would do less damage if they did push down, “That I don’t deserve another chance at love… but I think… I want…” they squeezed their eyes shut, trying to get rid of the thoughts. They were nearly overpowering, and Orpheus didn’t know how much willpower and strength they had left. They weren’t going to kill. They weren’t. And they especially weren’t going to kill someone who claimed to be a friend.
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Jun 27, 2021 1:36:09 GMT -5
Elpis didn’t seem likely to stop, not on their own. They didn’t seem to care what Orpheus went through, as long as their experiment was a success. L thought he understood. The House was the same way, and he’d been thinking about its motivations long enough. Elpis didn’t matter. Elpis wasn’t the one L cared about here. Elpis was an obstacle. Elpis was a threat. Orpheus was the one L wanted to reach out and hold until the pain went away again, like he’d done many times before. He couldn’t stop the hurt, but he could sit in the dark with Orpheus. He couldn’t heal the wound, but he could be sure not to leave the wounded alone. He knew resisting wasn’t easy. He’d been influenced by the House before. He didn’t actually know how it was possible for Orpheus to resist it at all, to stand there, still as Elpis ordered them to press down, to kiss the spot they were intended to bruise...how could they stand so still? How could they fight so hard? L was helpless, too. He couldn’t fight. Even if he’d been willing to, he couldn’t kick from this angle. Wildly, his thoughts carried him back to the room where he hadn’t been himself, where he’d switched with Orpheus, where he’d kicked Hook. He’d had more room there, he hadn’t liked the person hurting him, but he still would have been killed if Orpheus hadn’t come to his rescue. He couldn’t fight this, nor even if he wanted to. And there was nothing he wanted less. His eyes met Orpheus’ she held them. Somehow, he was surprised to find that removing him from Orpheus’ mind had reminded them of Eurydice, but he didn’t say it. He just hadn’t expected something he had practice in to come up. He’d guided Orpheus out of the dark before. He’d learned, in the process, more about grief than he’d ever expected to know without experiencing personal loss. He’d lost count of the articles he’d read on the subject. He’d given hours of time to research. “You know that’s not true,” he murmured gently, voice steady, his own predicament nearly forgotten. “You know that. Love is not something you can deserve or not deserve. You don’t...you don’t forget. It doesn’t work that way. You don’t replace. No one who deserves you would ask you to. I love you. I love the part of you that isn’t the same anymore, now. I love the part that never stops hurting. I love you on the good days and on the days you can’t get up. I love all of you. Even the hole I can’t fill.” He didn’t care that Elpis was there. He didn’t care that this was being overheard. What he’d heard in Orpheus’ voice was something he’d trained himself to listen for. He couldn’t ignore it. He wouldn’t. He didn’t think he cared that Orpheus could kill him. As long as Orpheus would be okay. He’d been willing to die for them before. There was nothing different about now.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Jun 27, 2021 2:05:16 GMT -5
There were two holes in Orpheus’ heart, it seemed. Two losses, one larger than the other because there were no memories to fill it. That was the hole they had mistaken for Eurydice. They would never be over losing her. They would never heal completely, and the scar would still ache sometimes when the weather was bad or the flowers were blooming in a way she would appreciate… When you loved someone, they stuck with you. Orpheus didn’t think the type of love mattered. They loved Elpis, and they hadn’t given up on them. They loved Eurydice, and though they had failed her, she had followed them. They loved… they loved whoever was missing from their heart, someone who danced through their memories, asking them… no, showing them… how to remember. To come home. If Elpis was an ocean, if the thoughts that threatened to pull Orpheus under were a hurricane, then the figure in their memories was a lifeboat in the eye of the hurricane. Safe and out of the way of the storm, something Orpheus could lean on and rely on for as long as they needed. They just had to fight through the storm and the waves to get to it. They squeezed their eyes shut, trying their best to block out the noise. It wasn’t successful, especially since all of the noise was just in their own head, but they were giving it their best attempt. “I had my chance,” Orpheus murmured, trying to focus all of their attention on L. “I had my chance at love, and I believe I squandered it.” Twice, they added mentally, though they didn’t dare give voice to it. They didn’t know how they had managed to mess love up a second time. They didn’t know what they did to ruin their second chance, because the person who was supposed to fill that hole didn’t even inhabit Orpheus’ memories, other than a vague silhouette and a shy smile that beckoned them forward, promising them that something would be waiting on the other end. “You fill the gap,” Orpheus gasped softly, glancing down at where their hands were still holding L’s. They had nearly forgotten how much contact they had assumed with L, despite them practically being a stranger. “The memories you have… the hold you can’t fill… it doesn’t matter, because there’s a whole you do fill. And I…” They broke off, giving a sharp gasp as they were firmly reminded that they were supposed to be killing L. That they wanted to. That they needed to. Their knuckles turned white where they were clasping L’s hands as they tried once more to push the thoughts away. What mattered more was finding out who L was. What mattered more was filling the hole, was listening to what L had to say, because Orpheus had the oddest feeling that they trusted him completely. “I want to know why I love you,” Orpheus gasped before they were tossed back under, hands itching to press against L’s neck. They shifted, eyes wild as they tried to find a way out. These things only ever ended when… they bit their lip, eyes wide as they met L’s. They pulled back in a stance that seemed like it would allow them a firmer grip on L’s neck, but the point of the move was to free up L’s kicking leg. Orpheus didn’t know how they knew that, but they had to trust that they were right. That they would understand as soon as they woke up.
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Jun 27, 2021 2:28:28 GMT -5
L wanted to bring Orpheus home, more than he knew how to describe. He wanted to make this right, somehow. He knew...well, he knew that this was Elpis, taking Orpheus away, making them forget. And they knew it didn’t matter how much they fought it. As long as Elpis was pushing, there was nothing either of them could do. He wouldn’t leave. He couldn’t leave. Even if he’d been free, he wouldn’t have run. Orpheus needed him, as much as they ever had, Orpheus needed someone to pull them out of this, and though L knew he couldn’t do that, he also knew he had to try, He held Orpheus’ hand, his own grip as gentle as he could make it. Orpheus wasn’t alone. L would do all he could to make sure that was impossible to forget. . He shook his head a little, a silent disagreement, but he didn’t argue with the thought head on, as he was tempted to. He knew better now. There were some battles you couldn’t fight for the people you loved. Sometimes, the best you could do was to be there to catch them in case they fell. “I’m not leaving,” he said instead. It was as much a statement of fact as anything Elpis had said. “I won’t leave.” He wanted to close his eyes, but he didn’t. He watched Orpheus quietly, watched them as they tried to fight it, as the thoughts in their head seemed to redouble...Elpis getting bored, no doubt. And then Orpheus moved, and L understand instantly. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to do it. But he understood. He didn’t give Elpis time to react or understand. His ducked and twisted, his leg swinging up hard, his kick aimed to knock out, not to hurt. “You’ll have to tell me the answer to that,” he whispered, “sometime soon.” And then he straightened up and turned to look at Elpis.
Elpis flinched as Orpheus was kicked, their connection to them abruptly severing. They stepped back. That was...not how they’d pictured that going. Still, it was informative. They knew more than they had when they’d started. So, success, right? They didn’t wait for L to speak. The look was enough. They snapped their fingers and the detective vanished. They stepped forward, towards Orpheus, and tried to heal the injury as best they could, which was probably completely. They didn’t move, their head tilted slightly as they tried to wake them up.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Jun 27, 2021 2:41:24 GMT -5
Orpheus’ eyes opened again, surprised to find that his head didn’t hurt as much as he would have expected it to. He lifted a hand to rub at his temple, feeling for any sign of the kick. L. The events of the last several minutes flashed through him, leaving him shakier than he had been in what felt like a very long time. He had come so close to hurting L… he had ended with his hand pressed against his neck, willing to press, willing to hurt him… and he hadn’t said stop. Orpheus glanced at his hands, only a little surprised to see that they were shaking. He bit his lip as he let them fall back into his lap, doing his best to figure out how he was feeling. The anger, unfamiliar, roiled beneath the surface, but it was muffled by shock. Shock and no small amount of fear. It took a few moments for Orpheus to straighten up enough to look around. When his eyes caught on Elpis… he froze, hands clenching into fists at his side as the anger smashed its way through the shock. Orpheus had been almost certain it had been the House, but seeing Elpis here… it felt like a betrayal. Had they sold him out to the House? Were they playing both sides? Where was L?
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Jun 27, 2021 2:49:54 GMT -5
Elpis watched as Orpheus sat up, their green eyes bright and watchful. They hadn’t really intended for him to get kicked like that, but they didn’t think it mattered too much. They could easily heal any damage. They didn’t think it was probably even possible for Orpheus to get brain damage anymore, bring dead. They shifted their weight back and forth, head still tilted a little. They were eager to know how they’d done, eager to know what Orpheus thought of their abilities. “How did I do?” They asked, taking a couple steps forward, reaching out a hand as though to help Orpheus up. They didn’t seem to notice the expression on his face, or if they did, they weren’t processing it. “I mean, I know I have a long way to go, but it’s progress already, isn’t it?” They wanted to be praised. They smiled a little, waiting for him to point out where they could have done better, maybe tell them how they could have maintained control. The House could do better, but the House had been around a lot longer. They didn’t think that was a fair comparison. They’d just started their training.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Jun 27, 2021 2:56:42 GMT -5
Orpheus flinched back from Elpis’ hand, unable to quite stop the way his body reacted to it. Elpis was a friend. He knew that, he knew that and he still trusted them, but… but he hadn’t expected he would need to tell them not to bring L into this. He hadn’t expected he would need to explain why making someone kill someone they cared about was bad. That was, it seemed, the major difference between humanity and whatever it was Elpis was. Humanity had a built-in moral code. Hurting other people (for most people, at least) felt bad, so you tried not to do it. For Elpis, they didn’t seem to understand that you couldn’t just fix something by snapping your fingers and willing it away. His hands clenched into fists as he tried to control the anger flooding through him. Yelling at Elpis wasn’t going to help. Yelling at Elpis wouldn’t help them to see what the issue was. It was tempting, though… Orpheus felt a nail dig into his palm, breathing out as the feeling grounded him. “Promise me,” he managed, looking up at Elpis. “Promise me you won’t ever do that again, okay? I… I think we need to talk about rules. I… I missed some.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Jun 27, 2021 3:05:50 GMT -5
Elpis paused, the first thought that something was wrong flicking through their head as Orpheus flinched. They stepped back, just a little, widening the distance between them. They didn’t know what had gone wrong. Everything seemed okay...had they failed to heal him properly? They felt in his head a little. Trying to tell if there was any more damage. No...they didn’t think so, though the anger they’d tried to help extinguish was burning again. They didn’t do anything about it just yet. It didn’t seem to be bad enough to warrant intervention. “Not to do what?” They asked a little uncertainly, blinking at him. “The experiment? All of it?” They had a lot of questions, but Orpheus’ expression was finally processing. They studied him, lips pressing together. “Okay,” they agreed finally, stepping back a little more. “Did...did I do something wrong? You’re angry. With...with me?” That didn’t make sense. He’d said he wouldn’t be angry if they made a mistake. He’d said it was okay if they needed to rethink the rules later. So everything should still have been fine.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Jun 27, 2021 3:16:15 GMT -5
Orpheus grit his teeth, trying to fight back the anger that still didn’t seem like it quite fit in his head. He wondered distantly if the House had kept it like that for a reason, or if it just hadn’t noticed it. Maybe it was amused by it… that thought made the anger flare to life more violently, and he clenched his fists even more tightly in an attempt to subdue it. He just needed to breathe. He needed to handle this logically, because it wasn’t fair to Elpis to be angry. It wasn’t fair to them after the discussion they had at the beginning about the rules. “Don’t… don’t hurt L again,” he managed, his voice tight and strained. He was trembling, though he hadn’t quite realized it. His brain was reacting to signals he hadn’t even been aware of moments earlier, trying to sort out the response he should have had with the one he was having. After a long moment, Orpheus managed to look back up at Elpis. “I’m angry,” he confirmed, shaking his head just a little bit as though that might succeed in getting rid of the emotion. It did no such thing, though at least it didn’t seem to get worse… “I… I don’t know that this is what my natural reaction would be. I doubt it. I…” he trailed off, stopping himself last minute before he apologized. He didn’t need to apologize for the anger, because it wasn’t his fault. It was Elpis’. “I… I consented to you trying things on me. L never consented to being part of your training. It wasn’t right to include him.” Orpheus did his best not to sound like he was upset, but he was still new at dealing with the anger. His attempt wasn’t as convincing as he had hoped. “That’s my fault,” he added, doing his best to explain in a way that would be helpful. “I should’ve thought of that at the beginning…”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Jun 27, 2021 12:31:18 GMT -5
Elpis didn’t move. They could see the anger, now that they were paying attention to it. They could see it in his tension, and the way he looked away from them, like he couldn’t stand looking at them. It hurt unexpectedly, like trying to pick up a cup and getting stabbed with a nail instead. “Okay,” they managed, voice small. This seemed to be more important than they’d realized. A part of them wanted to come closer, but that seemed like it might be a bad idea...they didn’t move, their eyes never leaving him. Was it okay to ask why? Would that make him angrier? They wished they knew for sure. They didn’t understand what had gone so wrong. “It’s the anger from before,” they added quietly, because they could tell it wasn’t his. They never experienced his anger first hand, but they didn’t think it would feel like...this. “Oh, is that what’s wrong?” They managed as he continued, eyes widening a little. “I can’t include other people? And...you’re upset because I broke that rule. Even if I didn’t know about it.” They could tell he was upset. Very upset, even. They didn’t want to make it worse, but they needed specifics. “So it would have been okay if he consented too? It’s just the only thing that was wrong? The experiment itself was okay, right?”
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Jun 27, 2021 15:27:29 GMT -5
“Okay,” Orpheus replied, letting his eyes close for a moment as he tried to combat it. It was a lot easier to deal with when he knew it wasn’t his anger, when he knew that it wasn’t his natural response. He could ward it off, just as he’d tried to ward off Elpis’ attempts to make him hurt L. He forced himself to remember the feeling of his lips brushing against the base of L’s neck, the trust inherent in the gesture. Orpheus trusted L, had promised that he wasn’t going to hurt him, even when he hadn’t known him. L trusted Orpheus, had let him close, had told him, in his own way, that he knew he was safe. That was important to remember. It helped combat the anger, helped Orpheus feel at least a little bit more like himself. “I’m… not upset with you,” Orpheus decided after a moment, opening his eyes again so he could look at Elpis. “I suppose… I’m a little bit upset with myself. I should’ve… I guess I should have realized that there were things that are common sense to me that you’ve never needed to know about.” The anger was still there, coursing at the sides of his vision as his hands clenched desperately into fists to keep him from lashing out with it. “I told you that you could use me to figure out what you can do, and to practice so you can one day beat the House. L never said you could. L never agreed to be involved with this. So… so it would have been okay, if you had asked him and he had, of his own free will, agreed. And if he had agreed, then you could only do what he agreed to, nothing more. So… you couldn’t have influenced him, too. Then it would have been alright.” Orpheus hesitated, biting his lip for a moment before looking up. “Personally, though… I would prefer if you didn’t use me to hurt L. I’m… sorry.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Jun 27, 2021 15:41:48 GMT -5
Elpis was tempted to try and help with the anger, but they weren’t confident that it would be welcome at the moment. They weren’t feeling very confident about anything, actually. This experiment had clearly been a big mistake, one they would do everything they could to fix, but...could they? They considered their options, chewing their lip as they thought. Orpheus wanted them to ask consent before they experimented. They could do that. It probably didn’t matter with Orpheus, thought, because he’d already consented...had he consented to everything? Did they need consent every time they did an experiment? Was once enough? They were once again struck with how very little they knew. “This is why I want information so badly,” they murmured, a little frustration creeping into their tone. “I just...don’t know anything at all. And maybe the House doesn’t know anything either. Maybe that’s why it is the way it is. Maybe no one ever told it the rules. When I say I want to understand, I mean I’m like...I’m like a baby, but with power. You assume I know things because they’re built into your brain, but they just aren’t for me. So I have to learn everything from scratch. And...and it’s so scary to know that I could mess up really badly and have no idea until afterwards. Like what I just did.” They sighed, swinging their arms at their sides. They could learn this rule, at least. No influencing people without consent. L could be recruited, but they weren’t allowed to make him agree. They nodded, a tiny frown on their features. “Wait, is that another rule?” It sounded like a rule, but it was worded differently. “Even if L consents? What if L consents to be used in experiments that don’t make you hurt him?” There were so very many technicalities. They wondered if they’d ever be able to find them all, or if they’d just stumble into them forever.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Jun 27, 2021 16:19:48 GMT -5
Orpheus didn’t want Elpis to feel bad. It hadn’t been their fault, not really. Sure, they had been the puppeteer, the one pulling the strings, but they were right. They hadn’t even been alive a year … children needed a long time to learn how to be people, too. It was understandable that Elpis needed that same time… or more. The sort of power they had made them more likely to cause irreversible harm. They needed a safe space to figure that out, and Orpheus was happy to give them that. He just… didn’t want anyone else getting hurt. “The House has been asked enough times to be kinder that I doubt it hurts people just because it doesn’t know it’s not right,” Orpheus said after a moment, unable to stop the bitterness from creeping into his voice. “It’s not kind. Maybe it never had a guide, but that’s no excuse for not finding a way to learn over the centuries. The House isn’t trying to be a good person. It’s not making mistakes like you are.” Orpheus couldn’t be positive about his answer, but he had a feeling he was right. If the House wanted to learn, it could have answered any of the thousands of times someone wanted to talk to it. “I think you have a lot of potential,” Orpheus murmured after a long moment, gaze catching on Elpis. “I think you could do a lot of good or a lot of harm. And I think it’s incredible that you’re trying to do good. I think is admirable that you don’t want anyone to go through what you did.” He fell silent, considering whether he could make it a rule that L wasn’t to be hurt. He didn’t think L would appreciate Orpheus speaking for him… “No,” he decided after a long moment, “That’s not a rule. But if you use me to hurt L again, if I can force myself to remember how to, I’ll probably tell you to stop. It’s… not as easy to ask for that as I was expecting. It’s like… like there’s no room in my brain to remember that asking for that is even an option.” He shook his head a little. “I doubt L will consent to any experiments. If he does… we work it out on a case by case basis, if that’s okay?”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Jun 27, 2021 16:37:50 GMT -5
Elpis wasn’t sure whether they felt bad. They felt...regret. Was that the same thing? Either way, they worried. They thought about what it would be like the become the House. The problem was, they didn’t know enough about it to know for sure how to avoid that. They didn’t know it’s thoughts. If they ever had, if they’d ever had any sort of insight, it had been thoroughly erased when they were freed. They felt like a child. From that they knew, it was an apt comparison. They knew as much or less, except that they were capable of understanding more, most likely. They looked away, because Orpheus had a point. From what they remembered, at least...it wasn’t like the House had never been asked to stop. That thought comforted Elpis, a little. If they listened and stopped when they were told, that was a pretty big difference between them and it. “I don’t mean that it’s kind, I just mean...I can see how it happened. Or at least one way it maybe happened.” They murmured. “If it didn’t ever have anyone to tell it not to do something. Maybe it decided it didn’t need anyone, so when someone finally did tell it to stop, it didn’t think it had to listen anymore.” They rocked gently on their heels and pointedly ignored the next logical thought: Why do you need to listen? They needed to listen because they didn’t know anything, and Orpheus did. They smiled a little, looking up as Orpheus spoke. They were trying. That much, they couldn’t deny. Was that another difference between them and the House? “Okay,” they agreed, giving a small nod. There were more questions there, probably, but Elpis wasn’t sure what they might be. “Does that mean I have to ask you first even if L says it’s okay? So...I need both your consent if L is involved.” It was a little like learning how to play a very complicated board game, only there were very high stakes and a good chance everyone else assumed you knew the rules instinctively. This was exactly why they were so impatient to learn.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Jun 27, 2021 22:53:55 GMT -5
Orpheus didn’t think it was wrong for Elpis to feel like a child. For all intents and purposes, they were one. They had just come into the world (or… universe, perhaps), only they hadn’t had anyone to guide them until Orpheus had offered. He didn’t’ think of himself as their parent, but he did think of himself as a sort of guide. It wasn’t Elpis’ fault that they didn’t know a lot of these things any more than it was a toddler’s fault for touching a hot stove. There were certain things that you just didn’t learn until someone told you about them, and there was nothing wrong with that. It was just that Elpis could do a great deal more harm than a child could. It was fortunate that they were also capable of learning far more quickly than most children were capable of. “I think I understand what you mean,” Orpheus said after a moment, tilting his head a little bit as he considered it. “If nobody was around to give it advice, it may have thought it could figure it out on its own. I think… if it thinks it shouldn’t have to listen to anyone, it must be very lonely,” Orpheus noted with a small shake of his head. Orpheus had little doubt that Elpis may grow to be lonely as well. The difference between the two was that Elpis had at least one friend, even if they weren’t evenly matched in the power department. Elpis seemed to think of them as equals, which was what you needed a friend to be. Orpheus wondered distantly how long it had been since the House had considered anyone an equal. Was that how it protected itself? It seemed a miserable existence. “I think that’s fair,” Orpheus replied after a long moment, biting his lip as he thought. L wouldn’t like it, but it was the best Orpheus could do to keep him safe. L wasn’t in any danger at all right now, having him mixed up in this would just put him in danger. Orpheus was in danger no matter what he did, this was just the better option because he could more or less control what he would be put through. “Elpis,” Orpheus added after a moment, hesitantly lifting his gaze to meet theirs. “If you think any of these rules are unfair, please tell me and we can try to work something out. I just… I want this to be safe and helpful for both of us. And I’ve already accepted that I’m going to come out of this with wounds I can’t heal. I’d have worse wounds if I spent all of my time in the House, anyway. I just… don’t want anyone else getting hurt unless they know what they’re getting into.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Jun 28, 2021 2:03:55 GMT -5
Elpis didn’t think of anyone as their parent, though the House was probably a good candidate for the term. They weren’t that literal about being a child, though. They didn’t want to pretend they were actually a child...they felt like one, on some ways, but they were also capable of caring for themself, and though they needed to find a way to learn the rules, they were aware that they would need to eventually learn to think about these things and answer their own questions. Which was...a frightening thought. They wanted to know. They needed to know. Orpheus was the only one who could really explain it to them at the moment, and they were trying hard to learn. They gave a small nod as Orpheus got it. They didn’t know how likely it was. They didn’t think the House would appreciate their thoughts on it. But they couldn’t help but wonder how true it might be. “I wonder if it can feel lonely,” they murmured. They didn’t ask the next question, can I feel lonely, but they thought it. It was possible they couldn’t. But it was also very possible that they could. They didn’t want to talk to the House out of a sense of companionship, they knew. They wanted answers. They didn’t even know if the House could give those to them. Butnryey didn’t really want it to be lonely, either. They gave another small nod. If Orpheus wanted them to check in before involving L, then they would. As long as they knew the rules, especially if they knew the rules, they would follow them. It hadn’t occurred to them to wonder if the rules were unfair. They blinked a little, surois3 by the thought. “I trust your judgement,” they replied honestly. “And I think...you probably know better than I do what’s fair. I haven’t felt like it isn’t fair, though. So I think it’s okay.” They wanted to assure him of that. The rules didn’t feel like restrictions...okay. They did. But important ones. Even if they hampered Elpis’ progress. They knew Orpheus wouldn’t do that unless he absolutely had to, and they trusted him completely. He wouldn’t do anything that would hurt them or be unfair to them.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Jun 28, 2021 2:14:56 GMT -5
Orpheus didn’t think the House was necessarily evil. It did bad things, but it also did good things. It was entirely possible that it had never learned to differentiate between the two, though Orpheus would have been far more convinced by that argument if he hadn’t suffered at the hands of the House for… well, however long it had been. He had never really understood why L struggled so much to understand the passage of time, but they had no concept of how much time had passed since they died. There was no sun to look at to tell, no way of knowing how long an hour was. For all Orpheus knew, it had only been a few days. It felt like it had been much, much longer. The House had always been strange in terms of time, though… perhaps he could ask L how much time had passed for him. It wouldn’t be a perfect gauge, but it would be something. “I think every sentient being can feel lonely,” Orpheus murmured after a moment, meeting Elpis’ eyes. “Even things that aren’t social creatures… nobody is meant to be alone for eternity, even if you’re equipped to be able to handle it. I don’t… I don’t know for certain, though. I guess… if you or I ever talk to it, we’ll have to ask.” Loneliness would make sense, though… Orpheus had a feeling that loneliness might feed into why the House blinked people in, and why it chose the people it did. “I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed,” Orpheus managed after a moment, lifting his gaze up, “The House tends to choose people who don’t have others in their world. It blinks in people who are lonely, even though a lot of them would never admit it to themselves. I guess… that’s the only proof I have for the possibility that the House itself can feel lonely.” He shrugged, grateful that the anger seemed to have washed away, though he was still trembling. He didn’t know how to stop that. He didn’t want Elpis to take away the memory, but he was suddenly grateful that he didn’t really need to sleep. He couldn’t even begin to imagine the nightmares he might have of what had just happened. “Okay,” Orpheus whispered, eyes meeting Elpis’. “If you ever want to change any of the rules, just talk to me. I want to be fair. I want you to learn, and I want to feel safe, and… and talking about the rules is the best way to make sure we’re both happy with the arrangement.” Orpheus fell silent for a few moments, replaying the scene over and over in his head. Could he have done anything different? Could he have stopped it from happening in the first place…? “Elpis?” He asked suddenly, voice small. “Can… you blink L back? I… I want to check on him. And I want to apologize.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Jun 30, 2021 20:30:50 GMT -5
Elpis couldn’t have told whether it was evil or not. They couldn’t tell whether they were good, or whether the things they did made them evil too. They didn’t know how to tell...it was probably a good thing they had Orpheus. He could help them. He could point them in the right direction, at least. They knew he couldn’t actually make them into something they weren’t, or make them go the right way, but as long as they listened to him...well, that would be alright, wouldn’t it? He wouldn’t let them go too far. He wouldn’t let them do anything they shouldn’t. They didn’t have much of a sense of time, either. Or...that wasn’t quite true. They didn’t see time the same way. They understood that it worked very differently for them. They gave a small nod, acknowledging his words. “I guess I might find out myself, someday,” they admitted after a moment. “Since I’m the same thing. It’s not like the House and I are going to be able to keep each other company. I get the sense it isn’t interested.” Elpis couldn’t help wishing it was different. They didn’t know if it could be, exactly, but if it could...if it could, then why shouldn’t it? They were what it was. Surely there was some appeal to it talking to them. Surely there was some sort of interest they could offer to get it to want to. Or were they that insignificant to it? Well, they’d just have to wait and see, wouldn’t they? Maybe the House wouldn’t be so dismissive of them when they started fighting back. Maybe, when they freed Orpheus, it would see what was in it for it to talk to them. They couldn’t help hoping that, maybe, just maybe, it would actually be willing to have a conversation. They just wanted to know so much. And they trusted Orpheus, but he just didn’t have the information. Not all of it, anyway. They nodded. They’d talk to him, if they wanted the rules to he different. They’d let him know. It seemed like a terrible idea to want something from someone and not tell them. They hesitated, looking down. It was entirely understandable that Orpheus wanted to see L, but...they didn’t think they wanted to see L. They suspected he wouldn’t be quite as understanding. They didn’t know what gave them that impression...oh, maybe it was the murderous look he’d given them. Maybe that. Still, it wasn’t like they could deny him that. And he hadn’t said they needed to be present. They dipped their head a little and disappeared.
L blinked in, tapping his desk restlessly, his head lowered. Only, the desk was no longer present...he looked up, dark eyes finding Orpheus. He wanted for run towards him. He wanted to fall into his arms and stay there as long as he possibly could, he wanted to kiss him, and press his ear to his heart, and he knew he had to resist it, for the moment. So he stood still, eyes watchful and wary, head tilted a little like he could see which version the House had given him this time if he looked from the right angle. Like he couldn’t still feel the hand against his throat. Like he couldn’t still see the hate in Orpheus’ hazel eyes.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Jul 1, 2021 17:13:54 GMT -5
Orpheus couldn’t help but wish the whole situation were less complicated. He wished, selfishly, that when Elpis had been freed, they had been human and they had gone to a world somewhere. He wished he could have visited them, maybe, taken a tour of what they called home… he knew he likely never would have seen them again if they had been granted freedom, but at least they would be surrounded by people who could answer their questions. With what had happened, there was only one person in any universe who possibly had the answers, and it was quite possibly the least responsive, least helpful being in any universe. As far as Orpheus knew, it had only ever responded once in however long people had been blinking. He wished he knew why it had had responded to him that time. He wished he knew why it had decided to play chess with him, why it had decided that it was worth it. Maybe it was just sick of Orpheus. Maybe it had been planning to stop blinking him, but he had given it a much more exciting opportunity. Regret boiled up in Orpheus’ throat. Not for freeing L, but for everything else his decision had caused. All of the pain he caused L. All of the confusion Elpis was experiencing. The confusion was probably better than the House’s torture, but Orpheus couldn’t help with it at all. And then they were gone and Orpheus took a deep breath out, letting his head hang for a moment as he tried to prepare himself to see L. What could he even say? How could he apologize for that? He couldn’t fix it… he had agreed to help Elpis, but he never could have predicted that they would do this. Another decision he had made, and all it did was cause L more pain. Orpheus heard the tapping for just a moment before it cut off, and he just barely managed to lift his head and get himself back in a standing position. He automatically searched L’s expression, trying to make sure he was okay, trying to make sure he was unhurt… “It’s me,” he managed softly, hoping that was answer enough. He didn’t feel anyone else tugging at his brain, and he trusted Elpis to stay out of this.
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Jul 3, 2021 22:06:47 GMT -5
L didn’t know what had happened. He didn’t have any sort of context. All he knew was that Elpis had made Orpheus attack him, and Orpheus would never have agreed to that. Not without at least asking him first. Which meant Elpis had done it without permission, which meant they could very well have turned on Orpheus. He didn’t think they’d turned on him. He didn’t really think they’d been on his side to begin with. But they’d been Orpheus’ ally, and now… He didn’t know. All he really knew was that they’d done something he knew Orpheus wouldn’t have allowed, and that made them very dangerous, even more dangerous than they’d been before. Now, there was confirmation that they had no qualms about hurting people, when it suited them. He didn’t know what to think. He wanted to ask Orpheus not to let them experiment anymore, he wanted to protect them, but he knew, deep down, that this was far outside his reach. Orpheus had wandered too far. He couldn’t shield them, not from this. So he would do the next best thing and try to catch them if they fell. He watched them quietly, searching their expression as they looked up. They looked...like themself. That was a good sign. The House, for whatever reason, didn’t normally pretend they were the real Orpheus when they weren’t. He guessed it was less kindness and more flaunting of power. “Are you alright?” He managed after a moment, tension still pulling at his features. “Did they harm you at all?”
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Jul 3, 2021 23:22:35 GMT -5
Orpheus knew it was a complicated situation. He knew there were things he needed to explain to L, and some things that could never be satisfactorily explained. He knew he couldn’t make excuses for Elpis, but he also knew that they hadn’t realized what they were doing was wrong. It was… well, it was all very complicated, and for once, Orpheus wanted something simple. He wanted to be able to blink in and hold L like he used to be able to. He wanted to braid L’s hair and laugh as he heard about L’s latest case and the antics of the other detectives he was working with. He wanted to share his life with L. Of course… that would require him to have a life in the first place. He had never thought he would die first. That was part of the reason this had gone the way it had. “I’m okay,” Orpheus confirmed after a moment, his form stiff and tense as he looked at L. He didn’t want to approach in case he no longer deserved to. He knew there was nobody messing around with his mind, but that didn’t mean L wanted him anywhere near him after what had happened. It seemed possible L would see it as a betrayal from Orpheus. In a way, it was. He had failed to take into account that Elpis might want to try something like that. He should have predicted it. He should have made sure L talked to anyone who they wanted to use for experiments first… “I’m… well, I’m physically unharmed. And my mind is my own. More importantly… are you alright?”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Jul 5, 2021 19:04:34 GMT -5
L didn’t know what had happened. He didn’t know, he didn’t have any idea how Elpis had come to the decision to attack, he didn’t know if they’d asked first and then done it in spite of Orpheus’ refusal. What he did know was that Orpheus would never have allowed it, if he’d had a choice. Orpheus would never have let Elpis do it if there had been any sort of way to stop them. And he’d tried. He’d fought as hard as he could, L had seen it. And it had been enough. It had been enough to resist, somehow. Like it always was in the end. He didn’t know what of do with his hands. Orpheus wasn’t approaching. L’s paranoia screamed that it was a warning, that Orpheus was still being controlled, that he was being made to say they were alone here...he didn’t know how to find that out. If Elpis had truly gone rogue, there was nothing much they would be able to do against them. Orpheus was at the mercy of a very powerful being already...one more meant that hope really was lost. The chances of ever getting him free would be nonexistent. That, L thought, hurt much more than being attacked. “Yes. I’m alright,” he replied warily, searching Orpheus’ eyes. He wished there was any way to know for sure, he wished he could trust that things were okay for now and run to him, but the uncertainty felt like poison in his veins.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Jul 5, 2021 22:59:32 GMT -5
Orpheus didn’t want to approach because he didn’t want to scare L. He didn’t want L to believe that it wasn’t him, he didn’t want to corner the man he loved more than anything else in the world. And… even if L knew it was him, he didn’t want to make L uncomfortable anyway. Attacking him… every time, it felt like a betrayal. It felt slightly better when he didn’t have any memories of L to go with the attack, because he didn’t know him in those cases. But he had known him. He had known him for most of the time he was attacking, and even if he hadn’t pressed down… Orpheus bit his lip, unable to quite look at L. He wanted this to be easy. He wanted to hold L like he had before, when it was the two of them against the House, rather than against each other. Nothing would ever be easy again, and it was Orpheus’ fault. “Are you sure?” Orpheus asked quietly, forcing himself to meet L’s gaze. “I mean… I know how hard that must have been. And…” he broke off, gaze searching L’s neck for any sign of bruising. He didn’t see any, which was a good sign, but he knew better than most the fact that the worst harm wasn’t always physical. The injuries that took the longest to heal were in your head. “I’m sorry,” he managed after a long moment, shoulders sagging. “I’m sorry it happened. I’m sorry I couldn’t resist it before I got too close.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Jul 6, 2021 0:29:48 GMT -5
L didn’t want to make this any harder than it already was. He didn’t want to stay back, he didn’t want to wonder whether it was Orpheus or not, he didn’t want to be in this position at all. What he wanted was Orpheus to come home. To be okay again. What he wanted was to not have to worry about whether he’d be attacked by the one he loved over and over again, every second of every day. He missed when he was able to look forwards to blinks...when he automatically searched for Orpheus every time. Those days were gone. There was no getting them back, not ever. He was so tired of being afraid. Of being in pain. He was so, so tired of knowing Orpheus was trapped in an unending nightmare, and there wasn’t a thing he could do to stop it. “It’s...not you,” he managed, voice small. Then he shook his head. “I mean, it wasn’t you. I know that. And you did resist. They wanted much worse than what you did.” He looked away, shoulders slumping. “If…” he added tremulously after a moment, studying the wall. “If it isn’t really you, right now...please try and give me some sort of sign. I understand if you can’t, but even something small would do.” He hated asking, when Orpheus had already said it was him. But he had to. He needed to know. He just...needed to know for sure.
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