Aromantic
𝚜𝚑𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚞𝚗
gojo. that is all.
Pronouns: she/her, they/them
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Post by 𝚜𝚑𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚞𝚗 on Mar 23, 2020 10:09:39 GMT -5
Summary: Moons after Bramblestar's death, new ThunderClan leader Squirrelstar has been at the front of changing clan life. Crowburn, a former ThunderClan warrior, is one of the many warriors and a product of these new rules and tries to live in his new clan as a loyal warrior.
But when a prophecy of an oncoming red moon will reveal the next greatest threat, Crowburn and a small band of cats have only an ample amount of time to ready their clans.
Warning: This story is going off the broken code arc and clearly an au. This story is will contain dark themes, lgbtq and possible death.
I am trash at writing, but I do hope you guys enjoy this ^^
Authors Note: I am always looking for ways to improve my writing! Please, feel free to leave a review (but please don't tear my heart out), point out spelling, grammar and other mistakes I make! I don't always catch mistakes within the first few times of editing. Thank you!
Reviews: None yet!
Fans:
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Aromantic
𝚜𝚑𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚞𝚗
gojo. that is all.
Pronouns: she/her, they/them
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Post by 𝚜𝚑𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚞𝚗 on Mar 23, 2020 10:34:11 GMT -5
Allegiances SKYCLAN
Leader: Leafstar- brown-and-cream tabby she-cat with amber eyes
Deputy: Hawkwing- dark gray tom with yellow eyes
Medicine Cats: Frecklewish- mottled light brown tabby she-cat with spotted legs Fridgetflake- black-and-white tom
Mediator: Tree- yellow tom with amber eyes
Warriors: Harrybrook- gray tom Plumwillow- dark gray she-cat Reedclaw- small pale tabby she-cat Dewspring- strudy gray tom Violetshine- black-and-white she-cat with yellow eyes Nettleleaf- black-and-white she-cat Apprentice, Kettlepaw Blossomheart- ginger-and-white she-cat Rainsong- gray she-cat (Formerly of RiverClan) Toadthroat- black-and-white tom with amber eyes Apprentice, Mintpaw Sunnyfoot- golden tabby tom (Formerly of WindClan) Crowburn- raven colored tom with orange eyes (Formerly of ThunderClan) Copperberry- golden tom (Formerly of WindClan) Shimmerfern- golden-and-gray she-cat Apprentice, Antpaw Adderhawk- dark brown tom
Apprentices: Kettlepaw- smoke she-cat Mintpaw- gray she-cat Antpaw- red tom
THUNDERCLAN
Leader: Squirrelstar- dark ginger she-cat with green eyes and one white paw
Deputy: Stromcloud- gray tabby tom
Medicine Cat: Alderheart- dark ginger tom with amber eyes
Mediator: Thrush- sandy-colored tom
Warriors: Bristlefrost- pale gray she-cat Stemleaf- white-and-orange tom Flywhisker- striped gray tabby she-cat Snaptooth- golden tabby tom Smokeflame- smoke gray tom Splashstorm- gray-and-white tom (Formerly of RiverClan) Sandsky- pale ginger she-cat (Formerly of WindClan) Apprentice, Dewpaw Birchburr- white tom with black flecks along pelt (Formerly of ShadowClan) Sagemist- brown she-cat (Formerly of RiverClan) Mousefur- pale brown tabby she-cat Apprentice, Owlpaw Fernheart- gray tabby she-cat Brownclaw- dark brown tom
Apprentics: Dewpaw- white tom Owlpaw- gray tabby tom
Queens: Spotfur- gray-and-white spotted she-cat (expecting Stemleaf’s kits) Hickorywhisker- odd colored gray tabby tom
SHADOWCLAN
Leader: Tigerstar- dark tabby tom
Deputy: Cloverfoot- gray tabby she-cat
Medicine Cats: Puddleshine- brown tom with white splotches Shadowsight- gray tabby tom
Mediator: Sloe- black she-cat
Warriors: Tawnypelt- tortoiseshell she-cat with green eyes Dovewing- pale gray she-cat with green eyes Strikestone- brown tabby tom Blazefire- white-and-ginger tom Appentice, Echopaw Cinnamontail- brown tabby she-cat with white paws Pouncestep- gray tabby she-cat Lightleap- brown tabby she-cat Frondwhisker- gray tabby she-cat Gullswoop- white she-cat Apprentice, Specklepaw Spireclaw- black-and-white tom Flaxfoot- brown tabby tom Otterfur- brown tom (Formerly of RiverClan)
Apprentices: Echopaw- gray she-cat Specklepaw- gray spotted she-cat
WINDCLAN
Leader: Crowstar- dark gray tom
Deputy: Crouchfoot- ginger tom
Medicince Cat: Kesterlflight- mottled gray tom with white splotches like kestrel feathers
Mediator: One- mottled brown tom
Warriors: Heathertail- light brown tabby she-cat with blue eyes Leaftail-dark tabby tom with amber eyes Emberfoot-gray tom with two dark paws Tinygorse- tiny white tom Apprentice, Applepaw Thornspring- ginger tom (Formerly of ShadowClan) Slightfoot-black tom with white flash on his chest Oatclaw-pale brown tabby tom Apprentice, Pinepaw Hootwhisker-dark gray tom Heronberry- blue-gray she-cat (Formerly of ThunderClan) Nightcloud-black she-cat Fernstripe-gray tabby she-cat Apprentice, Lowpaw Featherpelt-gray tabby she-cat Larkwing-pale brown tabby she-cat Sedgewhisker-light brown tabby she-cat
Apprentices: Applepaw- red she-cat Lowpaw- gray tom Pinepaw- red-brown tom (Formerly of ShadowClan)
RIVERCLAN
Leader: Havenstar- black-and-white she-cat
Deputy: Podlight- gray-and-white tom
Medicine Cats: Mothwing- dappled golden she-cat Willowshine- gray tabby she-cat
Mediator: Blue- blue-gray tom
Warriors: Duskfur- brown tabby she-cat Minnowtail- dark gray-and-white she-cat Mallownose- light brown tabby tom Apprentince, Mistpaw Shimmerpelt- silver she-cat Lizardtail- light brown tom Fogshine- gray-and-white she-cat Sneezecloud- gray-and-white tom Brackenpelt- tortoiseshell she-cat Jayclaw- gray tom Owlnose- brown tabby tom Icewing- white she-cat with blue eyes Softpelt- gray she-cat Apprentice, Frostpaw Splashstream- brown tabby tom Gorseclaw- white tom with gray ears Nightsky- dark gray she-cat with blue eyes Harelight- white tom Apprentice, Graypaw Breezeheart - brown-and-white she-cat Dappletuft- gray-and-white tom Curlfeather- pale brown she-cat
Apprentices: Mistpaw- smoke she-cat Frostpaw- white she-cat Graypaw- dark gray tom
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Aromantic
𝚜𝚑𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚞𝚗
gojo. that is all.
Pronouns: she/her, they/them
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Post by 𝚜𝚑𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚞𝚗 on Mar 23, 2020 10:43:09 GMT -5
PROLOGUE
It was dark. Unusually dark. Why was StarClan dark?
She did not know, but she continued forward, ears perked and eyes trained on the land ahead. The usual pale blue landscape was now a burnt red color, as if the territory of her ancestors was set on fire. The grass she padded on crunched and a knot of uneasiness filled her belly.
Have we been cut off from StarClan again? Oh, she hoped not. Losing their connection to their loved ones have left the clans in shambles. Time and time again, she watched as her clanmates died, turned their backs and left their clans behind. She was convinced that their connection to StarClan was not only their savior, but their downfall as well.
The further she moved into the territory, the feeling that she was being watched suddenly weighed heavily on her. While the feeling wasn't malicious, she still felt the fear of the unknown crawl along her skin.
As she moved along, the redder her surroundings became. Whatever happened, every StarClan cat was in hiding. However, lights above her caught her attention, As she looked, dread sunk in.
One by one, the stars that she had looked upon her entire life were falling in such an awful way. She could not see where they were landing, but she heard the thuds in the distance.
The stars! They're dying! Horror flooded through her.
"Take a good look."
A booming voice came behind her, making the ginger she-cat scramble to see how it was. A white tom came padding beside her, his blue eyes trained on the falling stars. She knew this cat; the long scar from his ear to his belly clued her in on who he was. Panic flooded through her as she stared at him.
How did he get into StarClan? Why is he here? I should not talk to him. She had many questions and concerns. But she knew he had the answers. She put away the little pride she had and lowered her head.
"What is happening?" She asked.
He glanced at her. "The stars are falling."
Immediately, she became annoyed with the simple and obvious answer.
"I can see that. Why?" She responded.
"Take a good look at this place," he meowed, "What do you see?"
While she was annoyed and concerned that this Dark Forest cat was in StarClan's territory, she looked around. The same burnt red grass laid around her, that wasn't anything new. As her gaze moved around the clearing, she could see StarClan and Dark Forest cats alike staring up at the falling stars, their faces red in color. This prompted her to look to the sky. A large, red moon hung in the sky. It was just hanging there, as if it was trying to defy everything she knew and believed in.
She looked back at the tom, eyes narrowed. He then looked at her.
"The red moon is coming."
What does that even mean? She questioned herself.
"Squirrelstar, your son will be at the front of this."
"What?" Squirrelstar snapped her head at him. "Alderheart would never-"
His piercing gaze had her shouting her mouth.
"Remember, the red moon is coming. The real threat is not what it may seem." As soon as he finished, he turned and began to pad away.
Squirrelstar watched him go, her mind wandering. Yes, this new warning was weighing heavily on her, but there was something else she needed to know.
"Snowtuft!" She blurted out without much thought.
When the tom looked back at her, she continued. "Why are you and the Dark Forest cats here?"
Snowtuft stared at her for a long moment, making her wonder if he was going to answer.
"Why indeed?" Snowtuft seemed to be genuinely questioning himself. "For now, that question will have to wait. We have much bigger problems to deal with, don't we?"
Squrrielstar blinked and watched as he proceeded to leave.
What is happening?
CHAPTER ONE
Maneuvering between the large oak and pine trees, orange eyes shifted to the light particles that were gently falling in the rays of sunlight that were filtering between the trees. The scent of fresh dew rests on the ferns as he passes by, gently reminding him that new-leaf is just beginning.
He could hear the chips and songs from nearby birds. For a moment, as he listened and enjoyed the sounds of new-leaf, it was peaceful.
"Pick up the pace, Crowburn!"
Immediately, the raven-colored tom flattened his ears as his gaze met Dewspring's. The gray tom's yellow eyes bore into him. The look of odium sent Crowburn into regretting that he believed everything was peaceful. The ThunderClan tom said nothing, only joined in the patrol. A scoff came from another cat, Adderhawk, or at least that is what Crowburn believed his name was. Crowburn gave a low hiss at the other tom as the patrol moved forward. Adderhawk only glared at him.
"If you listened, then maybe you wouldn't be picked on."
Those words held a hint of pity, something that Crowburn absolutely hated. Why would they look down on him?
He hated this. He hated this new test rule that Squirrelstar was putting into place.
My home is with ThunderClan. Crowburn thought bitterly as he followed after the patrol.
He never understood why Squirrelstar sent him and another clanmate, Heronberry, to separate clans. Crowburn was immediately sent off after he was made a warrior. He didn't like SkyClan and SkyClan didn't like him. No matter how many times he tried to help and sent away because they didn't trust him, there were more times he could count.
"Don't let them get to you."
Beside him, Rainsong, a striking gray she-cat was looking at him, her blue eyes glistening. Crowburn only knew her because she was from RiverClan.
"If they didn't speak to me like they can step all over me every time I do something, then maybe I wouldn't let them get under my skin," Crowburn growled, his fur standing up.
Rainsong's stoic expression lingered on him for a moment. "Yes, because you're the only one going through that, right?"
Her tone held bitterness in it, much like the feeling of anger that was bubbling inside him. Almost immediately, Crowburn knew what he did wrong.
"That's not what-"
"Save it," Rainsong meowed, her eyes narrowing at him. "Sunnyfoot, Copperberry and I all know your anger."
Crowburn knew all too well that he was not the only cat in their position. A rumble in his chest had him frowning.
"We are all in this together," Rainsong's tone lightened up, turning sweet. "We Cross-Clanned cats must stick together."
The guilt pierced his heart, knowing exactly what she was saying. As much as he hated to be corrected, she was right.
"I understand," he meowed.
"Good," Rainsong gave a slight purr.
Hearing the RiverClan cat purr made Crowburn feel oddly happy. Rainsong usually didn't show much emotion, especially since he only saw her looking bored or uninterested.
"Will you two hurry up?"
Dewspring. Anger flared through him again.
"Can't you see we are having a conversation?" The raven-colored tom called back. "Would it kill you to maybe mind your business and continue on and let us be?"
Almost immediately the patrol turned to him, eyes narrowed. Dewspring looked especially displeased.
Before anyone could get the chance to open their mouths, a large gray tom and his patrol were padding towards them. Crowburn recognized him as Hawkwing, the current SkyClan deputy. Hawkwing's yellow eyes scanned the situation and seemed to understand.
"Crowburn and Rainsong," the deputy spoke up. "You two can head back to camp. Leafstar would like to see you two."
Finally. Crowburn dipped his head and turned, moving back the way they had come.
Rainsong was at his side, quiet as she usually was. However, Crowburn could feel that she was confused and wondering. He couldn't blame her. However, this was the time to fill Leafstar in on his concerns about the Cross-Clanned cat's rights. If he was angry with his treatment, he was sure Sunnyfoot and Copperberry were too.
I can only hope that Leafstar will listen.
CHAPTER TWO
Finding Leafstar wasn't difficult as the elderly dappled she-cat was laying out in the sun.
The ThunderClan tom would describe her as patient and open-minded, but he was only going off how he perceived her as. Though, Crowburn didn't understand how Leafstar could be so trusting with him and the Cross-Clanned cats. If he were her, he would have his clanmates monitor them, though he was sure the SkyClan cats were already doing just that.
He first remembered Leafstar when she announced the Cross-Clanned cats as they arrived, then providing a feast soon after. Crowburn had always felt weirded out with that, but he was sure Leafstar was being polite and showing that she was welcoming them, despite them being strangers.
As he and Rainsong padded over, Leafstar's amber eyes opened and looked at them in recognition. The elderly leader then lifted herself up, greeting them with a nod of her head. Without another word, she turned and padded towards the leader's den. Crowburn and Rainsong exchanged glances with one another before moving to follow.
I'm glad she's choosing to talk in private than in the open. Crowburn thought as he came to the entrance of the leader's den where Leafstar had vanished too.
The raven-colored tom allowed Rainsong to go in before him, as he did not want his larger frame to get stuck in the entrance of the den and prolong this meeting. Rainsong's smaller frame slipped in easily, almost making Crowburn admire her. Almost.
Finally, Crowburn crouched, almost as if he was stalking a mouse, and moved forward. The opening of the den was small enough to tightly hug his body like it was trying to squeeze the air out of him if he moved further into the den. But he pushed on, ignoring the walls tightening around him.
As he crawled into an opening in the earth, Crowburn noticed that Sunnyfoot and Copperberry were sitting in a corner of the den. The twin brothers from WindClan looked to him, acknowledging that he was there before their gazes moved to Leafstar. The ThunderClan tom then shifted to Rainsong.
"Thank you for coming to meet with me," Leafstar spoke up, the slight glow of her amber eyes showing that she was pleased.
She was inviting and not as hostile as Dewspring and the others were. For a moment, Crowburn felt as if he was truly welcomed. Then, Leafstar continued.
"This meeting is to let me go over a few arrangements and concerns for you four Cross-Clanned cats. If you have a concern, then please tell me once I am done discussing these arrangements."
Arrangements? This was news. Crowburn figured he didn't have many options but to listen and do as SkyClan told him.
"Last night, I went out with the other leaders to discuss the progress with our clans Cross-Clanned cats," Leafstar announced, "Tigerstar, Crowstar, Havenstar and I are still trying to understand what Squirrelstar is trying to accomplish. But, I can say that the leaders are doing everything in our power to make you feel welcomed. So we came up with a few arrangements-"
"We are going back to our respected clans."
Bold. Crowburn noted the Sunnyfoot's blunt statement.
Leafstar's whiskers twitched, her eyes narrowing, clearly not pleased that the WindClan warrior interrupted her. "Unfortunately, I cannot send you back, even if I want to. Squirrelstar is adamant that I keep you unless I have to get rid of you."
Sunnyfoot's green eyes narrowed, a huff coming from the golden tom.
"Continuing on. The leaders have come up with a few arrangements to make you feel more welcome and productive. As for SkyClan, I am allowing you to lead patrols, whether it be border or hunting patrols, it will not matter. You will have full control over your patrol. If you have any problems, discuss it with Hawkwing and I. Is that understood?"
Slowly, Crowburn nodded his head, as well as the others.
Wow. Crowburn felt a surge of satisfaction flow through him. Then a powerful thought came to him. I can finally boss around Dewspring.
"As for SkyClan, I am allowing you to mentor apprentices when the time comes. But know, if you are lacking in your tasks as a mentor, your apprentice will be handed off to another warrior."
Who really cares about mentoring? Crowburn's tail lashed at the thought.
"Lastly, SkyClan is allowing all of you to mingle," Leafstar's eyes shone. "If you like one of SkyClan's warriors, by all means, pursue them."
A look of interest spurted in Rainsong's eyes, surprising Crowburn.
She likes someone? Crowburn couldn't help but feel weirded out by that.
It had only been a moon since joining SkyClan and Crowburn couldn't understand how a cat can like another in such a short amount of time.
Besides, I already have someone. He missed her so much and would do anything to go back to ThunderClan and see her. He missed his family, his mother and father; his littermates.
"This also applies to other clan cats. Crowburn."
The ThunderClan cat blinked when Leafstar said his name.
"Say if you want to pursue Rainsong, you are allowed to do so."
Crowburn and Rainsong awkwardly glanced at each other. Crowburn knew immediately that Rainsong did not like him and felt uneasy. Snickers from Sunnyfoot and Copperberry had Crowburn's fur standing on edge.
Great StarClan, can this get much worse?
"Sorry to put you two in such a scenario," Leafstar apologized, a look of warmth appearing in her eyes, "I just needed an example."
Crowburn gave a low huff in response, letting the elderly leader chuckle.
"With that, those are the arrangements that SkyClan is following. Mind all of you, no other clan is following these rules, so please be mindful of what you say or do. Now... Any concerns?"
Silence fell over them, but it looked like all of them understood. The concerns about Dewspring's hostility towards him seemed to wash away and Crowburn was all for showing off when it came to bossing him around.
"Fair enough," Leafstar meowed, as she shifted to lay down, "Feel free to go about your day. Please, talk to me or Hawkwing if a concern comes up."
The first to go was Sunnyfoot, followed by Copperberry. The WindClan brothers didn't say much as they slipped out of the den. Crowburn stood, shifting to let Rainsong leave before the large tom squeezed through the tight entrance.
Once out of the den, Crowburn didn't realize how stuffy Leafstar's den was. He found the air to be refreshing and it seemed to clear his lungs. But, it might just be the feeling of joy. Though it was quickly taken away when an apprentice came barreling towards him. To him, he barely felt it, but the apprentice was knocked to her paws.
"Hey! You are in my way! Can you move?"
Blinking, the ThunderClan didn't expect that this apprentice would make him out like he was the problem. He examined her, noticing that her gray pelt with a smokey tint to her fur. With that, he believed her name was Kettlepaw. He didn't know much about her, but he had seen her around.
The look of annoyance was all over her face and to be honest, he amused him.
"From my perspective, you're the one that came at me expecting me to move."
"And you didn't move!"
"Was I supposed too?"
"Yes!"
Crowburn couldn't help but snicker. "Maybe politely ask before knocking into someone because you believe they should move."
The apprentice seemed horrified by his words, but she growled at him, fur standing on their ends. Crowburn quickly understood what he was dealing with and snorted.
A brat who believes that the world should bow down to her.
"Whatever, kit."
With that, he padded off with a smug look and tail raised high.
CHAPTER THREE
Standing on a vast land that was nothing but tall grass, Thornspring felt out of place. He felt exposed by standing in the open where other cats could see him. He missed the large oak trees that would linger above him; he missed the scents of the pine trees and he missed the marshy swamp-like earth beneath his paws.
Despite what he missed, he could not deny how the wind felt in his fur. It was refreshing. The scents that were around him were half bad either. The sharp tang of the heather in the grass had him on edge and seemed to sharpen his senses.
Maybe Squirrelstar was onto something. He thought as his blue eyes scanned the land. Perhaps switching clans will open a new rule in the code. Thornspring had always wondered what it would be like living in another clan, though now that he was in WindClan rather than ShadowClan, Thornspring was excited.
Never in my years have I thought about coming to WindClan. The ginger tom then padded down the slope and towards the lake. Thornspring always thought that an older tom like him would be stuck in his ways, but it surprised him how much he is open to change.
Coming to the edge of the lake, Thornspring leaned down and lapped at the water. Enjoying the cold drink, Thronspring then turned to look toward the WindClan camp just in time to see a few lanky cats. Thornspring may have been there for a moon, but he took it upon himself to remember the WindClan cat's names.
The patrol didn't seem to be coming towards him, however, the ginger tom padded over to join them. Hootwhisker was in the lead, followed by Fernstripe and Leaftail. Thornspring never felt threatened by the other cats so he had no problem casually joining their patrol.
"Greetings," Hootwhisker dipped his head as Thornspring approached them, "how was your walk?"
"Refreshing," the ShadowClan warrior replied. "I'll join you for the remainder of the walk."
"That is fine by me," Hootwhisker meowed, the dark gray tom's tail swaying. "We are heading towards ThunderClan, but we don't expect much to come out of it."
Thornspring nodded, taking note of Fernstripe and Leaftail following behind, They weren't saying much, but Thornspring could see them glancing at one another.
"Fair enough," Thornspring meowed, "The borders have been silent since Squirrelstar started sending cats of each clan to others."
Hootwhisker's eyes seemed to widen in surprise. "I suppose so... Do you miss ShadowClan?"
Thinking of his home had his heart longing for his nest, but he also felt a strange sense of warmth within WindClan. Something that made Thornspring felt like he was home. Thornspring knew that WindClan may never welcome him, especially if Squirrelstar changes her mind about the Cross-Clannaed cats.
"I do, but, I am fascinated by another clan," Thornsrping replied.
It wasn't all the odd to speak with another cat about how he was settling in his new clan. Thornspring was more than willing to let them know how he was feeling.
Hootwhisker seemed pleased at the answer and continued on, with the others following behind.
It did not take long for them to come across the stream that separated WindClan and ThunderClan. Thornspring let the patrol scent mark the border, though his gaze moved to the forest on the other side. For a moment, he wondered if Birchburr, one of his own clanmates, was being treated well.
"Oh, here comes a patrol."
Thornspring turned his head as he spotted the patrol that consisted of Snaptooth, Flywhisker, Stemleaf, Mousefur and her apprentice, Owlpaw, and Sagemist. Seeing that many cats in a patrol sent a strange shiver down Thornspring's spine.
Leaning to Hootwhisker, he spoke. "Isn't that a bit too many cats on a patrol?"
Hootwhisker's eyes were trained on the ThunderClan patrol, but he nodded.
"ThunderClan is always up to something," Hootwhisker reminded him, "but for now, we can only assume they are doing their duties."
"Are we going to report it to Crowstar?" Fernstripe asked.
Hootwhisker thought for a moment but shook his head.
"No, after all, they are just patrolling," he meowed.
Thornspring knew better. He knew that ThunderClan was a powerful clan with a new leader. He also knew nothing about Squirrelstar.
As the patrol turned, Thornspring looked back to where the ThunderClan patrol had been. He did not like to speculate, but to him, he couldn't help it.
ThunderClan was up to something, and he had no idea what they were doing.
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Apr 8, 2020 18:23:44 GMT -5
Sure thing! Start off with the prologue: Things I liked were the use of description. You did very well in explaining the scene and highlighting all the details. Dialogue is well paced, as is the action. It brings several questions up, which seem to be the questions you want the reader to focus on. Why are things red, DF cats, so forth. Good intro! Things to improve: You toss the reader in a bit too jarringly - unless that was what you were aiming for. 'She' isn't given a name for a while and it's all a bit confusing about what 'she' is getting at when it just jumps you right in. Using 'ginger she-cat' a bit more in the beginning to replace some of the 'shes' would make it more mysterious and ambiguous on who she is. Another note is the dialogue content. Diction is slightly off here. How Squirrelstar says some lines are a bit too slow. Try using a couple more contractions to match with the emotional pace of the scene. To add to that, you describe the scene very well, but I'd also like to see more character emotional descriptions. How is she feeling? Similarly, adding more sensory information can also help. Scents and sounds a bit more, as well as how Squirrelstar feels about that. Hope that helps. Also, don't get disheartened by who does or doesn't respond. It's Camp NaNo currently, so all the usually active writers are running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to write for that, ha ha. They'll be around in a bit. Welcome to the WFF! I'm Mint and I'm a fan of everything. Keep up the writing! I'll add more thoughts in a bit -ish, since I don't want to overwhelm.
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Aromantic
𝚜𝚑𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚞𝚗
gojo. that is all.
Pronouns: she/her, they/them
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Post by 𝚜𝚑𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚞𝚗 on Apr 9, 2020 17:12:49 GMT -5
Thank so very much for the feedback! This what I want when given feedback and no one has ever put so much thought into trying to help me. I know there is much for me to work on and fix (which I will go through and fix when I can, so hopefully everything flows a bit better!).
Below, I will go into detail on how I wanted prologue to go! Perhaps some spoilers in my thinking, but nothing to major. As you pointed out, I did use "she" many times, though now I see that I will have to rewrite to make it more mysterious. I wanted to lay out the prologue as mysterious and wanted to keep the character (Squirrelstar) as a secret until the very end as she is a major character in this story. I did become a bit lazy towards the end (I started to write it and then stopped, but came back to it a few days later to finish.). I suck at emotions, but I was aiming for Squirrelstar to be horrified, unsure, and skeptical. I feel like I did at least two of those things, though not in a very good way.
Not sure what else to put here ^^'
Thank you once again. Please continue to give me feedback. As I had stated, you're the only person to give such detailed feedback on how I am doing. It makes me happy that someone is actually looking and analyzing what I am writing. Looking forward for more!
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Apr 11, 2020 3:24:58 GMT -5
Happy to help! I'll continue to do so! Glad to hear that you're striving for improvement! Yep! A good thing for the first is to define a character by description. A good study I've found is looking at any StarClan featured prologue from the books. For example: "The silver tabby she-cat stalked through the reed bushes, her wispy tail high, as she slunk toward the dappled tom. Her heart leaped into her throat when she saw him and her paws faltered. Blue eyes narrowing, the she-cat crouched." Limit pronouns for descriptions. Pelt, eyes, as well as 'she-cat' or 'tom' can add more mystery and cut down on the repetition. As for emotions, I found it a fun trick to try and describe physical reactions. Rather then: "Greenleaf was scared as he ran from the dog", maybe try "Greenleaf's heart was in his throat and his paws shook under him. The dog's breath was hot against his tail, but no matter where Greenleaf's wild thoughts went, he couldn't think of any escape." It's all that showing vs. telling nonsense that people throw about but never actually get down and explain. Basically, describe from more than one perspective. It's fine to state what's going on, but more of an impact if you get inside a characters head and tell us what they're feeling. When you're mad, how do you feel? For me, my mind narrows to a fine point, my chest gets tight, my throat hurts, and my hands bunch up into fists. Often, I have to resist the urge to cry or scream. All these little emotional ticks make the characters clearer in a person's head. When you can, toss in one or two as a mention. To go back to the Greenleaf example, I used 'heart in throat, shaking paws, and wild thoughts'. Similarly, describe other senses. Like I described 'hot breath against a tail'. It can still be action while also including other stimulant. Happy to help! Hope I'm not to harsh. Your writing is very good and engaging and I'll be going through and explaining more!
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