Post by Viralstorm on Aug 16, 2019 8:03:14 GMT -5
I haven't posted here in a while, but I thought this is just the right kind of small, niche group of strangers I could open up to. I don't remember if I've done that here before, I just needed to write down some thoughts about myself and my life.
I'm not in a great place mentally or emotionally. Haven't been for a few years now.
I have a pretty severe case of selective mutism. I haven't talked in school since like 1st grade, and I haven't talked at home in several years. I'm physically able to produce sounds, I just... can't. No matter how hard I try, I never manage to create more than a single syllable of sound even if I use all my willpower. Even if I'm alone in the house, my voice will falter due to how alien it is for me to actually open my mouth and speak. In fact, I'm so used to being mute I don't even try anymore.
This has led to me being bullied in primary school and middle school, due to being the class freak (I also have Asperger's Syndrome) and loser, which has likely greatly contributed to my extremely low self-esteem (amplified by my major depressive episodes).
Anyway, the mutism thing is probably my main problem, and the one that caused everything else to snowball into this mess that I am now. But the thing is, I feel like the universe doesn't want me to even be able to ask for help, which is why I just can't bring myself to simply write down anything, from simple answers to asking for help. Maybe also because it feels kind of humiliating, I guess. I've been humiliated enough in my life already. And also because I only feel comfortable writing about my problems in english, and it would make me feel too weird to explain my problems to people in english instead of my native language.
So I'm basically stuck in an endless loop of embarrassment, guilt, and depression, with no way out. What the heck am I supposed to do? I can't bear to open up like this to even my siblings, who I feel sort of understand me the most. I feel like a burden, a failure, with impossible ambition but going nowhere in life. I'm currently restarting high school as an adult student since I failed to get through even second year due to depression making me not want to even get out of bed, but I feel hopeless. I'm on antidepressants, I've tried raising and lowering the dosage, but nothing seems to really work. I'm still depressed, I've still lost all motivation, I still neglect my responsibilities, I can't properly enjoy things anymore, nothing seems to make me truly happy. Maybe I should try a different antidepressant. I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore.
Sorry if this sounds a bit rambling. I just needed to get this out.
I'm not in a great place mentally or emotionally. Haven't been for a few years now.
I have a pretty severe case of selective mutism. I haven't talked in school since like 1st grade, and I haven't talked at home in several years. I'm physically able to produce sounds, I just... can't. No matter how hard I try, I never manage to create more than a single syllable of sound even if I use all my willpower. Even if I'm alone in the house, my voice will falter due to how alien it is for me to actually open my mouth and speak. In fact, I'm so used to being mute I don't even try anymore.
This has led to me being bullied in primary school and middle school, due to being the class freak (I also have Asperger's Syndrome) and loser, which has likely greatly contributed to my extremely low self-esteem (amplified by my major depressive episodes).
Anyway, the mutism thing is probably my main problem, and the one that caused everything else to snowball into this mess that I am now. But the thing is, I feel like the universe doesn't want me to even be able to ask for help, which is why I just can't bring myself to simply write down anything, from simple answers to asking for help. Maybe also because it feels kind of humiliating, I guess. I've been humiliated enough in my life already. And also because I only feel comfortable writing about my problems in english, and it would make me feel too weird to explain my problems to people in english instead of my native language.
So I'm basically stuck in an endless loop of embarrassment, guilt, and depression, with no way out. What the heck am I supposed to do? I can't bear to open up like this to even my siblings, who I feel sort of understand me the most. I feel like a burden, a failure, with impossible ambition but going nowhere in life. I'm currently restarting high school as an adult student since I failed to get through even second year due to depression making me not want to even get out of bed, but I feel hopeless. I'm on antidepressants, I've tried raising and lowering the dosage, but nothing seems to really work. I'm still depressed, I've still lost all motivation, I still neglect my responsibilities, I can't properly enjoy things anymore, nothing seems to make me truly happy. Maybe I should try a different antidepressant. I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore.
Sorry if this sounds a bit rambling. I just needed to get this out.