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Pansexual
Fortune Cookie
"Mannequins have flawless skin, you can dress them up like me if you like."
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Post by Fortune Cookie on Nov 15, 2018 8:57:41 GMT -5
Helios' Story Chapter 1:The pain of loss It was a dark and stormy night,the waves had never seemed so wild.The mewling kit in his jaws seemed to weigh as much as the twolegs did at that moment in time,making Helios lose his balance and stumble. It had been three days since his mate,Bell,had died,giving him a single kit.He had promised he would keep him safe when she had taken her final breath. He had traveled to the docks,to find a boat to go to a new land and start over there.He had heard the idea from a stray living in an ally and thought that he could save his son from the truth if he left it behind. The russet tom looked up at the boat and,for a second,pondered if he was doing the right thing,leaving his life and all.He quickly shook the idea away. ”Of course this is the right thing!”He scolded himself through a mouth of fur.He started to look for a way on the massive thing.Then after a few moments of searching he came across a plank laid between the dock and the boat,overseeing the water. He cautiously crossed it and hid in a small room just a few fox lengths away from him.As he sat down his kit,he heard a voice sound from behind him.”What are you doing,bringing that little scrap on here?”He rounded on his feet and saw a brown queen nursing three kit:One brown like it’s mother,one grayish blue,and one a golden tabby-tom. “He’s my son.”Helios replied firmly.”His mother died three days ago and left me him.”His kit must’ve smelled the brown queen’s milk cause he scampered hungrily towards her and her nursing kits. Helios grabbed him by the scruff and looked apologeticly at the queen.She chuckled softly before replying to the russet tom.”It’s fine,I have plenty of milk.”The little kit jerked it’s way free before charging over to the queen. “He reminds me of what my mother called us when we’d get in trouble.”Said the queen with eyes gleaming.Helios looked at her questioningly,then she went on.”Lavodka,it means squeamish little rascal.” Helios looked at the queen,”What’s your name?”He asked”Flower.”She responded.She pointed at the brown kit,golden kit and gray one.”Seed,Sunshine,and Stone.”She listed each name in turn.”I’m Helios.”He replied.”What’s your kit’s name?” He looked at his own grayish kit and thought for a moment before replying.”Lavoadka,in remembrance of you,and cause it fits.”
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Post by phantomstar57 on Nov 15, 2018 15:47:38 GMT -5
Story itself starts out very well BUT please, change that 1st sentence! Also watch the over use of "had" this and that.
"It was a dark and stormy night. . . ..
Its cliched and the one people use all the time to show old cliched poor type styles. It is probbaly the most cliche'd way to begin a story these days. But do not fret or despair!
Maybe try a change like so;
Chapter 1:The pain of loss The storm raged in the darkness, tossing the waves higher and higher, slapping them against the docks, which creaked and groaned under the tom's paws.The mewling kit in his jaws felt like it weighed as much as the twolegs did at that moment in time, and Helios lost his balance and stumbled.
Three days ago his mate,Bell, died, giving him a single kit. He promised her he would keep him safe, as she took her final breath. He traveled to the docks, to find a boat to go to a new land and start over there. He heard the idea from a stray living in an ally and thought that he might save his son from the truth if he left it behind.
Now, holding his son in his jaws, the russet tom looked up at the boat. . . .
See how one can transition between a flashback and the "present" without using a plethora of had this or that? Please ping me when you write more, and DO fan me as this has me interested in what happens to Helios and his son.
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Post by phantomstar57 on Nov 15, 2018 15:49:16 GMT -5
Also, format your paragraphs. New paragraph with each new speaker, or it becomes hard to read and tell who is saying what.
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