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Post by Maplestone360 on Oct 14, 2018 19:35:45 GMT -5
Also, thank you so much for the advice, Dingoleap! It's so helpful and I'll definitely look into those things I need to work on.  Just one thing though: I wasn't really trying to give Swallowtail a Clan name. There are just a couple of cats in the Colony who have longer names than others, like a cat named Pinecone in the first Wild Spirit book. She's named Swallowtail after the bird. So if it didn't sound like that then oops |
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Post by Dingoleap on Oct 14, 2018 21:39:04 GMT -5
You're welcome! It was kinda fun to do such an in depth review!
Can't wait to see where the rest of the story goes! As I said, I really enjoy your characters and their relationships with one another, and the way you build their personalities!
Ah, I see! That does make sense!
Swallows aren't super common birds here, so I didn't immediately make the connection.
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Post by phantomstar57 on Oct 15, 2018 10:48:51 GMT -5
You're welcome! It was kinda fun to do such an in depth review!
Can't wait to see where the rest of the story goes! As I said, I really enjoy your characters and their relationships with one another, and the way you build their personalities!
Ah, I see! That does make sense!
Swallows aren't super common birds here, so I didn't immediately make the connection.
Mapple-The Show vs Tell is important in fiction writing. In that regard I will share a tidbit of what I have learned over the decades of writing.
When you show instead of tell you pull in the reader much better.
To SHOW rather than tell, not only should you choose more active phrasing with verbs, and avoid the repetive phrasing that is yes, easier to use, but to a reader, can get rather redundant at times. but you show the action and events and the setting thru your characters' senses. As if you are in his/her head, watching, listening, feeling along with the character. The reader learns about the characters thru what the character sees, feels, hears and remembers. When you pull out of a characater's head to info dump, you interrupt the flow of the story.
I love this story, and the only thing that interrupted my total enjoyment was the redundant words and phrasing as I mentioned above. In one passage toward the end, you told us the story rather than SHOWED. In the spoiler I'll put the passage and what I would do to streamline and make it pop and polished.
Tiger knew he had no choice but to let the patrol lead him back to camp and hope for the best. He could possibly have managed to escape, but then he would never get to explain himself. No, instead, he would play along as the others pressed close to his sides to keep him from escaping, and he wouldn't even raise a claw. Falcon would have to listen to what Tiger had to say, and he could possibly avoid punishment.
This has an overuse of the should/could type of words too, as well as the was/were +ing verbs, had this or then, had been, etc.. They have their place but over use can result in redundant rambling text that goes away from the SHOW not tell technique. Here is how I'd handle this. I do this only to help so please do not think I think the story is bad. Its not. Its great. But, if you SHOW the tale thru Tiger's senses, it would have more impact than it already does. So here goes.
"Tiger waited with resignation to let the patrol lead him back to camp and hoped for the best. He thought about escaping, but then he also would abandon his chance to explain himself. Time to play along, he thought, as the others pressed close to his sides, to prevent his escape. He never raised a claw, despite his desire to do just that. If Falcon listened to what Tiger needed to say, maybe Falcon might not punish him.
They arrived at a peaceful, quiet camp. The cats carried on a few casual conversations here and there, and no one suspected a thing. But the sight of an entire patrol clustered around one cat , alerted Falcon, who left his den where he lounged in a spot of sun, over to the patrol, his expression confused and suspicious.
“What's this?” he demanded."
I hope this is helpful. It is a lesson I learned long ago and I only take the time to give such when I think the story and writing is worth it.
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Post by ~Sapphire~ on Oct 15, 2018 12:02:42 GMT -5
Dingo, I am in awe of that review.
That new chapter is amazing! (I left a comment on the thread already) Can't wait to see how it ends...
Should somebody change the thread title now it's another person's week?
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Oct 15, 2018 14:33:39 GMT -5
On it Sapphire! ;D
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Oct 15, 2018 14:43:13 GMT -5
Starting NOW it's Battlingfear's Week!Looking forward to seeing your new and past stories! *throws love and support* Have fun! 🇲🇴🇷🇷🇮🇬🇦🇳 ⥇ Maplestone360 ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ Katanaheart Mosspool phantomstar57 ~Sapphire~ @battlingfear 🍁Searipple101🍁 Dingoleap MissMisty » ѕнαdσω ⚔️For now the sign up sheet is also functioning as a pinglist. If you would prefer not to be pinged - and that's perfectly fine if you don't wish to be - than feel free to inform me.  Happy reading! For an additional note I'd like to thank Maplestone and everyone here who made Octoberfest Potluck WONDERFUL. Great story (seriously great story) and lovely reviews! :') Thank you WFF.
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Post by phantomstar57 on Oct 15, 2018 15:48:55 GMT -5
Awaits the new story!
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Post by Maplestone360 on Oct 15, 2018 19:28:44 GMT -5
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Post by Dingoleap on Oct 15, 2018 20:28:35 GMT -5
Aw, I'm glad everyone liked the review!
With any luck, I'll be able to give an in-depth review every week!
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Post by phantomstar57 on Oct 16, 2018 20:34:26 GMT -5
No story yet?
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Oct 17, 2018 18:10:39 GMT -5
Afraid not. Battlingfear hasn't been on since the twelfth.
For cases like this, next time I'll come up with something fun. Maybe some polls or the like, since the week might not be completely filled up. ^^ I'll discuss it with Shadz at a better time for her as well.
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Post by phantomstar57 on Oct 17, 2018 18:51:02 GMT -5
Afraid not. Battlingfear hasn't been on since the twelfth. For cases like this, next time I'll come up with something fun. Maybe some polls or the like, since the week might not be completely filled up. ^^ I'll discuss it with Shadz at a better time for her as well. |
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on Oct 17, 2018 19:08:03 GMT -5
Question. Does the story we post have to be finished by the end of our week? Or no?
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Oct 17, 2018 22:34:26 GMT -5
Question. Does the story we post have to be finished by the end of our week? Or no? No they do not. So if you wanted to start a new fic but it didn't get finished that's fine. ^^ |
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Oct 17, 2018 22:36:42 GMT -5
Afraid not. Battlingfear hasn't been on since the twelfth. For cases like this, next time I'll come up with something fun. Maybe some polls or the like, since the week might not be completely filled up. ^^ I'll discuss it with Shadz at a better time for her as well. Yes, if you'd like. ^^ Since you have written a story that seems fitting and Battlingfear has been missing for a little. Er ... if they come back then I'll make sure they get a week in November. |
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on Oct 18, 2018 2:02:39 GMT -5
Question. Does the story we post have to be finished by the end of our week? Or no? No they do not. So if you wanted to start a new fic but it didn't get finished that's fine. ^^ Oh awesome thanks! Cuz the one I wanted to post is like an SE to my current series xD |
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Oct 18, 2018 2:07:34 GMT -5
No they do not. So if you wanted to start a new fic but it didn't get finished that's fine. ^^ Oh awesome thanks! Cuz the one I wanted to post is like an SE to my current series xD Cool! Can't wait to see! |
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on Oct 18, 2018 2:23:44 GMT -5
Oh awesome thanks! Cuz the one I wanted to post is like an SE to my current series xD Cool! Can't wait to see! Yes I'm excited to introduce Icestar as a younger cat! He's my albino ReedClan's (my versions RiverClan) leader. While I know albino cats have blue eyes. he has red just because I thought it'd be cooler xD |
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Post by phantomstar57 on Oct 18, 2018 8:48:53 GMT -5
I can step in for this week if you wish. My story is done and ready to go! Yes, if you'd like. ^^ Since you have written a story that seems fitting and Battlingfear has been missing for a little. Er ... if they come back then I'll make sure they get a week in November. OK I'll post it this morning |
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Post by phantomstar57 on Oct 18, 2018 8:51:43 GMT -5
Ok, Minted here is the link to NEW BLOOD0-POT LUCK
Story is done so have at it everyone.
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Oct 18, 2018 18:45:50 GMT -5
Cool! Can't wait to see! Yes I'm excited to introduce Icestar as a younger cat! He's my albino ReedClan's (my versions RiverClan) leader. While I know albino cats have blue eyes. he has red just because I thought it'd be cooler xD Ooo! I'm interested already. |
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Post by phantomstar57 on Oct 18, 2018 19:44:13 GMT -5
Most welcome, Minted!
Hope ya all enjoy!!
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Post by 🍁Searipple101🍁 on Oct 19, 2018 16:14:20 GMT -5
I have a bad and odd habit of reading the last page of every story right after the first, or even before it. Idk why, but I did this with the last few paragraphs of Phantom's story, and I am not disappointed.
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Post by phantomstar57 on Oct 19, 2018 16:35:40 GMT -5
I have a bad and odd habit of reading the last page of every story right after the first, or even before it. Idk why, but I did this with the last few paragraphs of Phantom's story, and I am not disappointed. |
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Post by Maplestone360 on Oct 19, 2018 17:11:03 GMT -5
I should be able to read your story tomorrow, Phantom! :3
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Oct 19, 2018 19:41:13 GMT -5
Same, Sea and Phantom.
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Post by phantomstar57 on Oct 19, 2018 23:42:02 GMT -5
That's cool with me.
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Post by 🍁Searipple101🍁 on Oct 20, 2018 20:38:28 GMT -5
Rawr
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Post by phantomstar57 on Oct 21, 2018 10:41:57 GMT -5
Well, for the rest that may have read my little tale of Pots, what did you all think?
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Happy reading!
