Post by Dingoleap on Jun 19, 2017 4:08:43 GMT -5
If I could say anything, anything
What would it be?
A good question for a distant reality
I would tell you that I love you
Even when it didn't show
I would tell you that I love you baby,
By now I hope you know.
Rahni has always considered herself a warrior, a soldier, but she knows she is inexperienced in the ways of emotional warfare. She doesn’t mind; she hardens her heart and moves on.
She has never been ashamed of who she is. She is loud, brash, unapologetic, and she has never apologised for it, but somehow, it is easier to be her loudmouthed self when she knows her attentions will not be returned.
It is easier, somehow, to love someone who does not share her feelings. She throws herself wholeheartedly into the possibilities of love, hidden behind a flirtatious smile. She has long ago accepted that the she-cat she loved will never love her back, so she has long ago stopped hiding her affection.
She moves on. She holds her head up high and fixes her signature grin on her face and learns to move on.
It is hard to be satisfied with ‘just friends’.
It is harder still to watch her love fall hard for someone else.
It feels as if her heart has been ripped from her chest. In that moment, it feels as if the ground has been pulled out from under her feet. In that moment, it feels like the sun wont rise. In that moment, it feels as if the sky is crashing down around her ears in one decisive, endless movement.
In that moment, it feels as if she will never feel again.
---
Despair, she learns, is a thing of conflict. She has every right to feel bitter, jealous, upset, yet no right at all to keep her friend from happiness. When they ask her if she’s all right, she smiles through the tears and nods despite the pain.
She tells herself that everything will be ok – she repeats it until it becomes a mantra, until it becomes something she can’t live without.
Slowly, time softens the blow and stitches the ragged pieces of her heart back together. She learns to be satisfied with just friends, and against her better judgement, settles into an almost flirtatious and certainly sarcastic friendship with her best friend’s lover. They snipe and bicker good-naturedly; her tongue is sharper than his, however, and she matches his spite, phrase for phrase.
She won’t admit it, but she enjoys their conversations.
She fixes her signature grin on her face and settles back into her place in the world. She swears, however, that she will never again subject herself to the pain of heartbreak. Instead, she casts her heart in stone, and pretends that she’d rather feel nothing at all than feel pain.
She has never been that good at pretending.
As the days wear on, however, she gets better at it.
---
Mica is everything she expected, yet somehow nothing like it. There’s a shrewdness to her cobalt gaze and an easy confidence to the way she walks. She’s quiet, thoughtful, and Rahni can’t help but love the way she tilts her head to one side when she talks.
They are nothing alike.
There’s a rumour of legal trouble, which is why, she learns, Mica is here; the tortoiseshell she-cat is rumoured to be the best. Rahni can’t quite picture the quiet she-cat ever possessing the ferocity to win a court battle until she catches side of the stubborn set of the newcomer’s jaw, the tension in her shoulders, the fire in her eyes.
Maybe they are more alike than she thought.
She is desperate to cross the space between them, yet whenever Mica is near, Rahni feels her silver tongue turn to lead. Nerves creep up her spine and down her limbs. She can feel heat flush across her face whenever the tortoiseshell returns her smile.
She doesn’t realise she has fallen in love, hard, until it is far too late to slow her descent.
She remembers what it feels like to be in love; it is all-consuming, until every fibre of her being is burning with the possibilities of what if. She is ready to love, and ready to be loved again. By the time the sky goes grey and the snow begins to fall, it is eating her alive.
Feelings, is seems, have returned with a vengeance.
Something unfamiliar moves through her bloodstream and slows her paws. It takes her a moment to name it – nervousness. Rahni has never been subconscious, but she can’t shake the anxious terror that stalks her.
Go on, she tells herself. Say something, anything, or you’ll lose her.
Starting a conversation takes all her courage. Even then, it is by accident. She stumbles over her words, but Mica greets her verbal clumsiness with a quiet laugh.
“It’s nice to meet you, Rahni. I hope we can talk again soon.”
She floats away on Cloud Nine.
---
She has always loved the night. There is something addictive about the stillness of the air. She loves the winter nights the most, when the wind carries with it the sharp tang of mountain snow. There is something about it that soothes the ragged edges of her soul.
Distant laughter echoes through the night; below her vantage point, cats spill out across the grass, undeterred by the last of the snowmelt beneath their paws.
“Do you mind if I join you?”
Rahni spins, startled by the sudden presence of another. Mica stands several tail-lengths away, a small smile on her face, patiently waiting for a response.
“O-of course not.” Rahni stutters. She never stuttered.
Mica’s grin grows wider. The tortoiseshell moves forward until they stand side by side, perfectly symmetrical. “A beautiful night, isn’t it?”
Rahni’s heart is beating so loud and so fast she is surprised her companion can’t hear it. “Uh-huh.”
Great. Let’s try for a full sentence now, shall we?
“Are you all right, Rahni?” Mica turns, concern plain on her face.
“Yep. Fine.”
“Are you sure?”
No. I’m not ok. She knows, deep down, that having her affections returns terrifies her. She has always, always found it easier to act out when she knew that nothing serious would ever come of her wild and reckless ways.
She knows all too well that she is still inexperienced in the ways of emotional warfare.
Say something. Say anything.
There is a part of her that wants to lie, to protect herself from pain, yet she can’t help herself. She can no longer deny her heart. A sigh escapes her. “No, Mica, I’m not ok. I’m going to miss you an awful lot when you leave tomorrow.”
For a moment, she can see her own sorrow reflected in Mica’s gaze. “I’ll miss you too.”
Almost subconsciously, Rahni steps closer, drawn to the tortoiseshell’s warmth. Almost instinctively, Mica mirrors her movements until their pelts are touching. Everything she had ever wanted to say balanced on the tip of her tongue. It takes all the courage she can summon to swallow the fear that lodges in her throat. “You don’t have to go, you know.”
Mica stills, her bright eyes wide. She opens her mouth, then closes it again, as if searching for something to say.
Say something, Rahni pleads silently. There is a desperation to the thought; she knows, deep down, that she cannot take another heartbreak. Say anything, please.
A soft smile graces Mica’s face. The tortoiseshell steps forward and settles wordlessly beside her. Without a word, she rests her head on Rahni’s shoulder. The red tabby stiffens at her touch, then relaxes, warmth flooding her chest.
“I know.” Mica whispers. “I… I’d like that.”
Suddenly, the night seems brighter.
It was nice to switch from writing angst to writing fluff!
Considering its pride month, I decided to focus this week on my favourite overly dramatic lesbian, Rahni. she is many things - loud, an unashamed flirt, and a trained assassin. I love her to death, but unfortunately she doesn't have as big a role in the story as I would like (a sad case of 'kill your darlings', I'm afraid) so I decided to give her some time in the spotlight. The prompt for this week was quite difficult - write about a return, but not a character's return - so I chose to interpret it a little differently and write about the return of feelings, specifically romantic ones. Rahni has long been in love with her best friend, who doesn't return her feelings, and when said friend falls in love with someone else, she doesn't take it too well. She vows to never fall in love with anyone so she never has to put herself through the pain of loosing someone ever again. Enter Mica, my sweet bisexual child, who is so far removed from Rahni's world that its almost comedic. Rahni has no intention of falling in love with her, but its as they say - the heart wants what the heart wants. They both deserve a happy ending.
Ah, this week's musical inspiration was 'Say Anything' by Tristan Prettyman. It is an absolutely gorgeous song, so I highly recommend you give it a listen!I hope you all enjoyed this week's dose of fluff!