Post by g4ngstercat on Apr 21, 2017 0:12:56 GMT -5
so like i have MDD and anxiety and BDD and when i hit a really bad phase, i do really stupid things.
you hear about stuff like this, but it's real for me.
I either do a thing that i cant say on the forums, a second thing i can't say here, and also I spend a freaking ton of money.
so today hahaha. i first of all tell my aunt that i'm going to work. then instead of going to work i go to the mall and blow 400 bucks.
yeh. that is me life.
i went shopping for about 9 hours to relieve my pain.
okay sol,,,,,pfkdf thats like the simple part of what i want to type and feel free to stop reading there, unless you wanna idk...read my personal life story.
ive never told/talked to anyone about this. so. idk where to start. its a bunch. i mean, i have a therapist but im really bad at therapy. rofl like i dont tell them anything. i deny treatment hahaha. oh my god.
anyway.
so basically my pov of life is that i'm incapable of forseeing the future. because i'm so wishy washy, and my mind changes literally everyday on things, that i have no freaking clue what next week will be like. so i cant make a decision and stick to it. like im literally mentally incapable of it. i don't know how. i just live day by day. and its not because i believe "in living in the now" or whatever crap, its just that thats the only way i know how to survive.
i get these really really strong emotions, and i don't know how to deal with them.
so when i was 12, actually. before that, but i mean i really wanted to run away. so i did. and it failed of course, but constntly since then ive wanted to run away. and live by myself. its a need from the bottom of my soul.
so for years and years i was so depressed and i tried to kill myself over and over again because the need to get away from my house/family was so strong. and back in november, i tried to leave. and it was ridiculous because i'm 18 and am legally allowed to move out, but everybody freaked out and acted as though i was a child just running away. but like, i was just trying to move out and get away.
and then i dropped out of school, and destroyed relationships and turned my life into complete hell for 6 months.
and the thing is, it's not out of rebellion or w/e. and everybody thinks that. but it's that there's this...Thing inside of me that is killing me and i'm trying to figure out how to deal with it.
and i used to do things like cut, and cry myself to sleep, and daydream and read and write and draw. but per usual, my mind did a giant reboot last year and suddenly i couldn't do those things anymore, i started to do physical things to try to get this horrible feeling to go away.
like really risky and stupid things. and i get so bored. like horrifyingly bored that i have to create these challenges for myself to become interested again.
ughh. none of this is making sense. skdghlskdgdkg
ive never tried to explain this all before. i'm just trying now because i desparately need hepl but i dont work good with a therapist one on one, i just want advice or explanations from random kids on a replacement forum for a book saga.
like. pleease.
i need help. i need some freaking help. but i dont know how
i moved out a bit ago, without telling anyone, and it was fine for a bit, but then things got weird and i had to move to my aunts and now im going back home bc my mental health is so poor that i cant take care of myself. ive quit my job twice haha.
i'm not trying to come across as angsty or,, like. complaining.
it's just that im so defeated and im so lost and i literally have no idea what to do with my life and everything hurts for no reason.
like nothings wrong but it feels like everyhting is wrwong.
but it sucks bc tomorrow i'll wake up nd feel fine (maybe) and regret going back home and wish i was still away.
or maybe like it and want to get another job.
or idk.
idk.
my emotions and my mind are so out of control. im so out of control.
i feel insane and like i have memory loss or something bceause i m so different day by day that its like im an entirely separate human and i feel things and there's memories associated wiht that feeling, but when that feeling goes away, so do the memories and then i dont rmember why i did the things i did or why i felt like that or what matters or where im going or what i want.
dear god can someone please help me. i just want help. but i dont know whats wrong i just feel so wrong god please someone, please
you hear about stuff like this, but it's real for me.
I either do a thing that i cant say on the forums, a second thing i can't say here, and also I spend a freaking ton of money.
so today hahaha. i first of all tell my aunt that i'm going to work. then instead of going to work i go to the mall and blow 400 bucks.
yeh. that is me life.
i went shopping for about 9 hours to relieve my pain.
okay sol,,,,,pfkdf thats like the simple part of what i want to type and feel free to stop reading there, unless you wanna idk...read my personal life story.
ive never told/talked to anyone about this. so. idk where to start. its a bunch. i mean, i have a therapist but im really bad at therapy. rofl like i dont tell them anything. i deny treatment hahaha. oh my god.
anyway.
so basically my pov of life is that i'm incapable of forseeing the future. because i'm so wishy washy, and my mind changes literally everyday on things, that i have no freaking clue what next week will be like. so i cant make a decision and stick to it. like im literally mentally incapable of it. i don't know how. i just live day by day. and its not because i believe "in living in the now" or whatever crap, its just that thats the only way i know how to survive.
i get these really really strong emotions, and i don't know how to deal with them.
so when i was 12, actually. before that, but i mean i really wanted to run away. so i did. and it failed of course, but constntly since then ive wanted to run away. and live by myself. its a need from the bottom of my soul.
so for years and years i was so depressed and i tried to kill myself over and over again because the need to get away from my house/family was so strong. and back in november, i tried to leave. and it was ridiculous because i'm 18 and am legally allowed to move out, but everybody freaked out and acted as though i was a child just running away. but like, i was just trying to move out and get away.
and then i dropped out of school, and destroyed relationships and turned my life into complete hell for 6 months.
and the thing is, it's not out of rebellion or w/e. and everybody thinks that. but it's that there's this...Thing inside of me that is killing me and i'm trying to figure out how to deal with it.
and i used to do things like cut, and cry myself to sleep, and daydream and read and write and draw. but per usual, my mind did a giant reboot last year and suddenly i couldn't do those things anymore, i started to do physical things to try to get this horrible feeling to go away.
like really risky and stupid things. and i get so bored. like horrifyingly bored that i have to create these challenges for myself to become interested again.
ughh. none of this is making sense. skdghlskdgdkg
ive never tried to explain this all before. i'm just trying now because i desparately need hepl but i dont work good with a therapist one on one, i just want advice or explanations from random kids on a replacement forum for a book saga.
like. pleease.
i need help. i need some freaking help. but i dont know how
i moved out a bit ago, without telling anyone, and it was fine for a bit, but then things got weird and i had to move to my aunts and now im going back home bc my mental health is so poor that i cant take care of myself. ive quit my job twice haha.
i'm not trying to come across as angsty or,, like. complaining.
it's just that im so defeated and im so lost and i literally have no idea what to do with my life and everything hurts for no reason.
like nothings wrong but it feels like everyhting is wrwong.
but it sucks bc tomorrow i'll wake up nd feel fine (maybe) and regret going back home and wish i was still away.
or maybe like it and want to get another job.
or idk.
idk.
my emotions and my mind are so out of control. im so out of control.
i feel insane and like i have memory loss or something bceause i m so different day by day that its like im an entirely separate human and i feel things and there's memories associated wiht that feeling, but when that feeling goes away, so do the memories and then i dont rmember why i did the things i did or why i felt like that or what matters or where im going or what i want.
dear god can someone please help me. i just want help. but i dont know whats wrong i just feel so wrong god please someone, please