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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on May 9, 2017 13:20:23 GMT -5
What better why to develop it.
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on May 9, 2017 19:37:16 GMT -5
Bump
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on May 9, 2017 22:30:30 GMT -5
I'm going to be working two jobs so I can afford rent so I may not be writing very often. Sorry guys
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on May 9, 2017 22:56:54 GMT -5
No need to apologies. <3
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Asexual
ᴛᴜᴇsᴅᴀʏ
do you walk in the valley of kings? do you walk in the shadow of men who sold their lives to dream?
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Post by ᴛᴜᴇsᴅᴀʏ on May 10, 2017 13:48:01 GMT -5
okay, so i'm caught up and i see where the previous chapters were going, hinting at batstar's involvement. still not sure how loststar and his makeshift clan could have possibly caused the flooding (logic being that it's batstar's fault so they were punishing her somehow, but how can ragtag cats start a flood that has a target?), but you've definitely raised the stakes given the lies and betrayal coming to the surface. also, loststar is shady as all heck and i can't stand him. he seems villainous even if he claims to have good intentions in exposing batstar, who doesn't seem like a villain. she just seems like a protagonist who has made very bad choices in the past and tried to hide them for the good of the clan and also to save her own skin, a very realistic set of actions. just a few questions to consider, though?
why is dustpaw so eager to drop spiderheart as his father? they may not share blood, but it sounds like spiderheart raised him while batstar was an absent figure at best. blood or not, spiderheart filled the role of father and it just doesn't make sense to me for dustpaw to just drop it.
why place an apprentice/new warrior in charge of loststar's clan? he may have the blood right, but he's inexperienced. it doesn't make sense unless he's a pawn in loststar's game (which, tbh, i believe).
why on earth would batstar ever allow nettleleap to live? if she slit his belly open and left him to die next to his mate and kits, then if he returned, he could have easily exposed her, and i can't think of a single convincing reason he could give to go into deep cover and get her to believe that he forgives her for what she did. a more plausible agent for loststar seems like it should be someone who witnessed batstar's crimes or had family directly affected, and waited to act, working with loststar for the prime moment to expose batstar.
why would batstar name her son so cruelly? he didn't know what loststar was planning to say, and he's her son! the things that have happened are not his fault, save for bringing loststar back, but again, it seems like he had no idea what the consequences would be, yet batstar is taking it all out on him.
also, addlerdusk. did you mean adder or alder? because addler is not a word.
are you using an adjusted warrior code? just curious, since the canon code doesn't forbid deputy mates, but common practice and social norms discourage them for practicality's sake. i would assume so, though, also given the minimum apprentice age of eight moons instead of six.
is the time travel a dream from starclan? because to include it so late is so, so jarring otherwise, especially in a fic that's shown no hint of fantasy or magic at any point until now.
pause from the questions to say that i like this down-to-earth straightforward shrewlight. maybe he's a little blunt, but he's telling the truth at least.
another non-question: rouge is a shade of red, and rogue is the word you're looking for to describe cats outside the clans.
how on earth are cherrypaw and grey the same age? the way you write him makes him sound like he could be her brother, but from an older litter. she's very childish and it shows, yet he's in charge of a group. it doesn't click.
okay, so nettleleap and thicketstorm seem to share that ability. it still feels weird to have it be introduced so late, but i like the idea that loststar is using nettleleap to get information. manipulative, very antagonist-worthy.
though i do have questions about a body takeover. where are all these fantasy elements coming from and why didn't they show up sooner? if there are any hints, they're too well hidden and so the first half of the fic feels realistic and the second half feels like it came out of nowhere.
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on May 10, 2017 14:45:24 GMT -5
Dust is going through quite a bit and it's very confusing for him. He's more focused on what Loststar is saying than Spiderheart. I'm sure he'll come around sooner or later. I haven't planned that far yet though so we'll see. And to be honest Spiderheart is the one who's distancing himself more from Dust. Both are kind of unsure of how to deal with it.
Loststar is acting as a mentor for Dust right now as well as leader until Dust's ready to take over.
Batstar thought Nettleleap would have bled out and died before he could ever recover. It was a large wound that had a high possibility that it would kill him.
To be honest when I was writing that part I was seeing it more as Batstar trying to punish Spiderheart for leaving. She's still in love with him and seeing him leave her again frustrates her.
I meant Alderdusk. Oops.
Haha yeah. I wanted it to be a lot different from the original Warriors series. Cats in my story tend to live longer so they wait longer to make kits into apprentices.
I took a lot of inspiration from the whole Jayfeather being Jay's Wing. I was thinking of making it a Starclan thing. Also the visions don't happen until a cat is a lot older. There's many side effects that it causes and can kill a cat easily if they aren't strong enough. Nettleleap is actually pretty old. He was a Warrior when Batstar was just a kit. Thicketstorm is fairly young. He's younger than most would be when they get visions (that is if they ever have it)
I love Shrewlight. I wish I could find a better plot for him instead of just helping out Thicketstorm.
Oops. I'll have to fix that.
Cherrykit and Grey were raised very differently. Besides, I've met people my age that are far more successful than me and those my age that should be in 5th grade.
To be honest I didn't plan for any fantasy in it. I was going to write a separate story about Alderdusk and what happened in the past but it seemed too eh.
Thank you for reading it. It really means a lot to me
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Asexual
ᴛᴜᴇsᴅᴀʏ
do you walk in the valley of kings? do you walk in the shadow of men who sold their lives to dream?
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Post by ᴛᴜᴇsᴅᴀʏ on May 10, 2017 15:00:54 GMT -5
in that case, try to show their uncertainty a little more, and some attempts to remain closer without quite understanding how to make it happen. it's an awkward time, and it would work better if you could make it a little less black and white, a little more grey.
okay. you should make sure he makes that clear to dust, and that way it's clear to the reader that he's grooming dust for the succession.
right, but what i'm saying is that when nettleleap came back, i can't think of any believable lie he might tell her after such a wound to convince her that he forgives her and wants to be a part of her clan, not to mention that if batstar isn't shy about murder, killing nettleleap rather than promoting him all the way to deputy would have kept her secret a lot safer.
mkay, that makes some sense. in the future, try including details that show the reader where her anger is really directed. for instance, maybe she renames dust as shatteredfoot, but the entire time, she's looking spider in the eye and speaking with an incredibly cold tone. sometimes, anger without obvious direction is good, but in a case where a character wants revenge on someone else, narrow the focus and make sure it's very clear who they're livid with.
alder, cool.
that explains the blood and everything then. and yeah, i remember the whole time travel jay thing. making it a starclan thing makes sense. still i encourage you to hint at it sooner so it doesn't come in so suddenly. maybe thicket sees glimpses of the clan as it was in just a blink, so fast he thinks he imagines it, or something like that, and then, later, the first proper vision happens. that would make for a smoother transition.
give it time. sometimes minor characters can fill important roles you never expected to have, even if you think you already have the whole thing planned out. don't force it, of course, but he may have his chance yet!
easy fix, at least! and a relatively common mistake, so no biggie.
but she's all of eight moons old, and that isn't full grown for a cat. meaning grey must be the same age, and even if he still has all sorts of worldly experience, he's still extremely young. trust me, i used to think the same thing about me and other kids my age, especially through middle/high school, but looking back, i may have thought some of us were super mature for our age, but we were still just kids and it showed.
not a problem. i know you asked, and i do want to know what happens, and if i can give you some pointers along the way that help you, great. of course, if you want me to stop with questions and advice at any time, do let me know and i absolutely will. i personally love giving and receiving feedback, but i also understand that sometimes, especially when working on a passion project, it's hard to get feedback you didn't directly ask for without losing heart.
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on May 10, 2017 15:19:34 GMT -5
I appreciate feedback a lot. I love any comments about the story and LOOOOOOVE answering questions. I'll be sure that the spelling gets fixed and I'll try adding little hints here and there of visions
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on May 10, 2017 15:20:35 GMT -5
also i feel like i should add that when i say i can't stand loststar, i mean it in the best way. he's an antagonist that it's easy to dislike, which is superb in an antagonist. what a slimeball. Couldn't agree more. xD
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on May 10, 2017 15:24:31 GMT -5
Also Loststar is one of my favorite characters and one of the most interesting cats I've written about. You'll find out a lot about him later on :3
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on May 10, 2017 15:27:18 GMT -5
I hope so!
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on May 12, 2017 12:40:31 GMT -5
Bump
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on May 14, 2017 13:24:03 GMT -5
Character theme song updated on "others" page
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Post by 🍁Searipple101🍁 on May 15, 2017 23:09:53 GMT -5
Free bump
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Post by phantomstar57 on May 16, 2017 12:13:20 GMT -5
TUESDAY makes a lot of good points. I must have read too fast because I didn't see where Batstar and her clan caused the flood? The earthquake caused the flood I thought. I have to admit I don't trust Loststar LOL And add that I LOVE the addtion of the fantasy element, time travel via dreams or the like. It could have been hinted at earlier, maybe I missed it but its not a big deal for me. I LOVE that stuff and am happy wherever it shows up.
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on May 19, 2017 17:59:25 GMT -5
Thanks Phantom ^~^
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on May 22, 2017 19:29:47 GMT -5
I'll make a new chapter soon. I promise.
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on May 22, 2017 22:16:10 GMT -5
That will be cool!
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on May 23, 2017 14:23:56 GMT -5
Fact: Thicketstorm has hemoptysis, which is a problem in the lungs that causes cats to cough up blood.
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on May 29, 2017 21:13:42 GMT -5
Bump
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Sept 15, 2017 22:54:30 GMT -5
Bump
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Sept 17, 2017 18:48:36 GMT -5
*falls in* Hello!
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Mar 14, 2019 0:27:45 GMT -5
Oh boy, a bump
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