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Post by swallowtail on Sept 1, 2022 21:12:42 GMT -5
Brownie - Monday Vibes Contest The dark, gloomy clouds loomed forebodingly overhead, threatening to release raging torrents of rain. The storm clouds were wide and long, and hung over the vast plains. A crack of lightning streaked brightly overhead, And a distant clap of thunder instilled the mood of dread. Two cats met, in the cover of darkness, Their faces grim, in uncanny likeness. Their next adventure wouldn’t be a stroll in the park, But their next move was clear and stark.
“I’m afraid,” one cat said, his face fearful. The other was tearful, but at the same time determined, their fate must be intertwined.
So they left, under the dark, Leaving no trace, not a single mark. Leaving the Clans, Making their own plans, Together, forevermore.
Just trying it out, I'll try something different on the next round. Typical plot, I guess not very theme related.
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Post by Brownie on Sept 5, 2022 10:30:56 GMT -5
Title 2/2 - I think this title fits really well! The cadence is nice too. The only thing I don't understand is why they are "no longer", don't they stay together in the end? Plot and Conflict 2/5 - The plot is easy to follow, though the characters' conflict is not. What are they fearful about? Why are they afraid at all if they've chosen to stay together? Characters 0/5 - Unfortunately we don't know anything about your characters at all. We know their faces are "grim" and that one is "fearful" and the other "tearful...determined" but that isn't too much to go on. We DO know their motives: love, but only from the title. A few more lines describing your characters and getting their emotions fixed might help bring them to life! Another choice would be to "pull back" the camera a bit, take out the dialogue and leave it only an outsider's view so that the reader isn't so "close" to the characters. That way, seeing less doesn't feel like we're missing out as much. Style 2/5 - I think the choice of a poem works well for this plot! Since it's a little overdone, a poem could bring out the emotion and make it short and sweet. There are a few choices that I wasn't a fan of: your tone isn't well defined (using "walk in the park" stood out to me as an odd choice of idiom) and the rhyme, without meter and as couplets, doesn't actively do much for the tone either. Rhyme can be very powerful! But it has to have a good tone-base to enhance. I'd love to see what kind of word choice and line-length you would have the freedom to explore without that constraint! I will say, the lines about the storm had very good imagery, after reading that I wanted more lines that were that vivid! Grammar 1/1 - poems don't need to follow punctuation rules, but rule-breaking should be intentional. Theme 2/2 - Fits! Though I personally wouldn't have shoved all the mood-setting to the start and would have scattered it into the poem, so that it could be constantly a reminder and also symbolic! TOTAL 9/20
It's a cute poem! I always love seeing people experiment with poetry, and poems with plot like this are challenging to balance. Keep at it! I can't wait to see what else you'll write~
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