comics (newest: Your Friend)

Basic rundown of events:

- Party consists of: chaotic tiefling bard, chaotic half-elf sorcerer, chaotic high elf barbarian, and chaotic half-orc cleric (me).

- Necessary backstory: week two we killed bandits, one of whom was named Dave. We later heard about Dave’s wife, children, dogs, etc. as the DM guilted us about how we killed the bandits. Instead of feeling guilty, the sorcerer decided to find, woo, and marry Dave’s wife. We met her a few weeks ago and the sorcerer cried at her instead of managing to flirt.

- Other necessary backstory: a few weeks ago we battled a glabrezu, which is a demon that has, among other things, lobster claws. The bard began using Polymorph to turn enemies into lobsters during battle.

- Other necessary backstory: several weeks ago we broke into a wizard’s dungeon (to steal a magic orb). He had forgotten to feed the hydra, so it rampaged and knocked him out. He got caught in the splash damage of one of the sorcerer’s attacks. The barbarian (who is from a rival family to the wizard) wanted to kill him, but instead we looted his pockets and left him in his lair unconscious.

- The final boss was a dragon who had been locked into a human form.

- Also, week one, the sorcerer stole a quiche from the wizard’s tower while he wasn’t home, and I stole magic-y spectacles.

Climactic day:

- The wizard shows up and says he has a spell that will turn the dragon back into a dragon after sustaining heavy damage, so he can be killed.

- We enter a very dark city in which anyone without Darkvision would be blind. Good thing we all have Darkvision.

- We fight wraiths and shadows. The sorcerer uses a potion to breathe fire. The barbarian and bard struggle terribly with the shadows’ strength drains (barbarian lost fighting ability, bard nearly died). I do great with Sacred Flame and don’t get hit by a single attack!

- Also the sorcerer throws a potion (“like in Minecraft”) that causes one of the shadows to grow a nose just so that the nose can invert into its face. It takes psychic damage.

- Short rest, strength and HP restored, no need for spells.

- Enter the castle where the dragon is. Bard is a tiefling and naturally resists fire, and barbarian resists fire while raging. I use a spell that makes me resist fire and give the sorcerer a scroll-spell that makes her resist fire and makes it so that if someone hits her with a melee weapon, the attacker takes a good amount of damage.

- I also put on the wizard’s glasses. He looks at me funny but doesn’t say anything.

- We enter the room and the sorcerer puts the moldy quiche out on the table. DM takes great care to describe the mold.

- Me: “If the quiche survives the battle, I can purify it.”

- Time for battle!

- Sorcerer gets to attack first, walks up, and breathes the last charge of fire breath on the dragon, who is offended because fire is his deal in dragon form.

- Barbarian throws two javelins at the dragon.

- Dragon goes next and intimidates everyone...except me. Dragon hits sorcerer twice with a sword. Dragon takes damage from magic shield that both the sorcerer and the DM forgot, but I remembered!

- I go next and hit the dragon (twice!) with my specialty weapon: the Spiritual Weapon spell, which is (in my particular case) a statue of Dave’s wife.

- Bard tries and fails to turn dragon-man into a lobster.

- Sorcerer turns dragon into a woman.

- Barbarian throws last two javelins and misses.

- Dragon does something, probably attacks the sorcerer?

- I hit the dragon with a higher-level Guiding Bolt spell (good damage!) plus another hit with the statue (also good damage!), my party gets impressed because suddenly the healer is the one doing the most damage, and this is enough to trip the wizard’s spell to revert the dragon to dragon form.

- But now it is the bard’s turn.

- OOC, bard’s otamatone Blueberry Bob approaches the dragon (played by a set of red headphones). Bard calls otamatone a grim visage of death.

- Bard: “I’m gonna need the dragon to make a Wisdom saving throw.”
* Instead of bard rolling a die to attack, the dragon (DM) rolls a die to mentally resist the attack.

- DM rolls a die and stands up from the table, arms raised in defeat. “Okay! What does the dragon turn into!”

- The final boss rolled a natural 1 (critical fail!) and is now a rainbow shrimp, either for the next hour or until we “kill” the shrimp, at which point it will return to dragon form.

- We debate over what to do with the shrimp. If we roast it, it turns back into a living dragon. If we cut off its head, it turns back into a living dragon. If the bard swallows it whole (“I’m a tiefling, so I resist fire!”), it turns back into a living dragon (“Do you resist having it turn back into a dragon inside your stomach!?”).

- We have two Wish spells. Wish lets you use almost any spell in the game or achieve some other powerful effect. Wish officially should not be able to perform the True Polymorph (permanent transformation) spell, but DM allows it to turn a temporary transformation into a permanent one.

- The wizard’s turn is before mine, so I sternly tell him not to touch the shrimp. He doesn’t touch the shrimp.

- I use the Wish scroll to call upon the gods (“My goddess is gonna love this.”) to make the transformation permanent. A beam of heavenly light and seawater descends and coalesces into a little aquarium for the shrimp.

- We all want the shrimp. The barbarian can speak to animals. She listens to it scream with fury (scream provided by bard’s otamatone).

- Dragon never got to breathe fire, or do literally anything in dragon form.

- I didn't take a single point of damage, nor did I have to use a single healing spell, on the climactic day of the campaign.

- We use the other Wish to organize a double wedding, Shakespearean-comedy style. Sorcerer marries Dave’s wife, Seemi Bane. Barbarian marries girlfriend written into her backstory.

- I officiate the wedding. Sorcerer shrinks barbarian’s spare fancy clothes in the wash for the shrimp to wear. Bard carries shrimp’s aquarium down the aisle like a ring bearer would carry a ring.

- Also I purify the quiche.