Let it out ~A Safe Space for you~ (A Truly Safe Space)
Oct 4, 2016 20:26:55 GMT -5
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Post by The Noble Dragon on Oct 4, 2016 20:26:55 GMT -5
Hey guys, Sorry I haven't been active. I haven't been feeling good lately. A LOT of bad thoughts have been filling my head and making it hard to function and socialize. I needed some time to push through them and give myself a break. I don't know if I'm fully back yet but I feel a little better. I'm gonna talk about it below but possible TW for really bad depression and very negative thoughts.
First of all yes, hello I have depression. I've been aware of it for like 4 years now, since I got out of high school, and no I haven't gone to a doctor to get diagnosed bc I just... have too much anxiety about that. "But Deamon! How do you know you have depression?" Well little voice in my head, I think after some very very VERY low points and lapse in control I know for certain.
I'm not suicidal though. I know there are people who care about me and love me and would miss me so that isn't really the problem. THe problem is that I have and extreme, crippling fear of failing anything or messing up and I feel like I don't deserve any of the kindness or attention people give me.
Lately I've been feeling half motivated to do stuff and half... not. For example. In school I am studying to be a Video Game designer but I feel like I haven't learned anything from 2 of the 3 required classes I have taken so far(all due to an extremely incompetent professor) so I don't feel very prepared for anything in the future pertaining to making Video Games. Recently I've been all "oh yeah I'm gonna start designing that game I've been planning for a while" and then sit down and be like "nah lets watch Youtubers play video games that are so much better than anything you will ever be able to make" and it just really sucks.
Two years ago, before me and my gf got an actual bed in our appartment we have together, I was trying to sleep on the couch while she on the twin mattress laid out right next to me. I was really feeling down and scared to go into the major because I wasn't sure If I could actually do it. I shared these fears with her and her response was. "If you don't think you can be successful and aren't willing to try because of that then pack your things and get out." She was tired and didn't mean it(and when I brought it up to her earlier she never remembered even saying that so it could have been a dream) and immediatly took it back. Back then she was also in the habit of shooting down every idea for a game I thought up, before I told her that they were all just ideas and not fully fleshed out games. She realized how hurtful that was to me and stopped and has been fully supportive ever since. I know she didn't mean it back then but I still think about it whenever I feel doubt at my future and just general feelings of failure and bad thoughts.
Last night I didn't fall asleep till like 4AM because I couldn't stop thinking of that night and of all the other times I've let her down or upset her and just the fact that I'm not gonna be a good game designer or person or anything. It was really hard for me to tell her this because I tend to keep everything close to myself and bottle it up till it explodes out and stuff. But I cried and she cried and we cried together and stuff but I felt a lot better afterwards. Been a little wobbly all day but I feel better than I did yesterday.
Sorry that it's so long. I just really need to talk about it and get my thoughts out. Lol I made this thread so OTHER people can talk. But everyone needs to vent sometimes.
First of all yes, hello I have depression. I've been aware of it for like 4 years now, since I got out of high school, and no I haven't gone to a doctor to get diagnosed bc I just... have too much anxiety about that. "But Deamon! How do you know you have depression?" Well little voice in my head, I think after some very very VERY low points and lapse in control I know for certain.
I'm not suicidal though. I know there are people who care about me and love me and would miss me so that isn't really the problem. THe problem is that I have and extreme, crippling fear of failing anything or messing up and I feel like I don't deserve any of the kindness or attention people give me.
Lately I've been feeling half motivated to do stuff and half... not. For example. In school I am studying to be a Video Game designer but I feel like I haven't learned anything from 2 of the 3 required classes I have taken so far(all due to an extremely incompetent professor) so I don't feel very prepared for anything in the future pertaining to making Video Games. Recently I've been all "oh yeah I'm gonna start designing that game I've been planning for a while" and then sit down and be like "nah lets watch Youtubers play video games that are so much better than anything you will ever be able to make" and it just really sucks.
Two years ago, before me and my gf got an actual bed in our appartment we have together, I was trying to sleep on the couch while she on the twin mattress laid out right next to me. I was really feeling down and scared to go into the major because I wasn't sure If I could actually do it. I shared these fears with her and her response was. "If you don't think you can be successful and aren't willing to try because of that then pack your things and get out." She was tired and didn't mean it(and when I brought it up to her earlier she never remembered even saying that so it could have been a dream) and immediatly took it back. Back then she was also in the habit of shooting down every idea for a game I thought up, before I told her that they were all just ideas and not fully fleshed out games. She realized how hurtful that was to me and stopped and has been fully supportive ever since. I know she didn't mean it back then but I still think about it whenever I feel doubt at my future and just general feelings of failure and bad thoughts.
Last night I didn't fall asleep till like 4AM because I couldn't stop thinking of that night and of all the other times I've let her down or upset her and just the fact that I'm not gonna be a good game designer or person or anything. It was really hard for me to tell her this because I tend to keep everything close to myself and bottle it up till it explodes out and stuff. But I cried and she cried and we cried together and stuff but I felt a lot better afterwards. Been a little wobbly all day but I feel better than I did yesterday.
Sorry that it's so long. I just really need to talk about it and get my thoughts out. Lol I made this thread so OTHER people can talk. But everyone needs to vent sometimes.