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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Aug 4, 2021 22:53:32 GMT -5
Just a conversation Characters: Zuko - Strider Sal Fisher - Hawkpath
(Connected to The Paradox House)
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Aug 4, 2021 23:17:25 GMT -5
Sal blinked in, laying flat on his back and staring at the ceiling, which was not that different now that he was no longer in his room. He’d considered taking his prosthetic off for a while, but…he hadn’t felt like getting up. Besides, ever since he’d first blinked in, there was always the voice at the back of his mind whispering that it would absolutely pull him in without it at some point. He hadn’t wanted to give it many opportunities. Then again, what was stopping it from just blinking him in without it anyway? He wished he thought it wouldn’t do that, but he wasn’t a new blinker anymore, and he was very aware that that eas exactly the sort of thing it would do. He knew he wasn’t in his room anymore. The weight of Gizmo had vanished, and he could feel the difference in the space around him, like ghosts, almost. Not that the presence of ghosts would have been enough to convince him he wasn’t home. He knew he should probably get up. Somehow, though…he didn’t really want to.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Aug 4, 2021 23:33:14 GMT -5
Zuko could still feel the lightning tingling in his chest. He had bent lightning. Well… he hadn’t really bent it. Lightning benders created lightning. Zuko had just redirected it. Manipulated lightning that was already there. Wasn’t that what the other elements did, though? It wasn’t as though waterbenders created water, they just manipulated the water they could find in their surroundings. It was odd, that the element that could cause so much destruction was the only one that gifted its benders with creation of itself. It was a poetic thought, and Zuko found he didn’t think it belonged in his head. He wasn’t poetic. He was… he was awkward and blunt and rude and all sorts of other adjectives, but poetic wasn’t one of them. The rest of Zuko’s world vanished, but the feeling of the lightning stayed with him. He had run as soon as he could, he had narrowly avoided his father’s wrath striking him down where he stood. But he had faced Ozai. And he had survived. Survived to feel the lump of shame building in his stomach, especially seeing who was laying on the ground as he blinked in. Zuko bit his lip, trying to push away the barrage of feelings that hit him suddenly. Sal. Zuko liked Sal. Still did, in fact, though his actions had done nothing to signify it. He had faced Ozai. He had looked straight at him and told him the truth. He just wasn’t sure he had the courage to do the same with Sal.
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Aug 4, 2021 23:49:18 GMT -5
It shouldn’t have been unexpected, of course. The House had a habit of forcing people into situations they didn’t really want to be in. Sal didn’t realize he wasn’t alone right away. He wasn’t looking away from the ceiling, something he had to wonder how many people had studied before his presence. He was sure it was a higher number than he could possibly guess at, but…less than the number of people who had blinked in general, right? He sat up slowly, giving up on the idea of doing nothing until he was sent back. Maybe he could do a room. He’d been told not to do those on his own, but…somehow, he didn’t want to heed that advice, anymore. He pushed himself to his feet, turned…and froze. Because there was the person his thoughts had just neatly avoided mentioning. Zuko… They hadn’t spoken since…well. That was another thing Sal preferred not to think about. He looked at the other boy for a long moment. Then he gave a tiny sigh. This was never really going to stop hurting, was it? Zuko had made his position clear enough. Sal didn’t see any need to force his presence on someone when neither of them wanted to be there. He turned and headed for the hall.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Aug 5, 2021 0:04:17 GMT -5
Zuko knew he hadn’t acted right around Sal since he had… well, since everything had gone wrong. Going home was supposed to make everything better. It was supposed to help him feel like he could belong somewhere. It was supposed to make him… it was supposed to make him happy. He hadn’t been happy at all. It had been nice to see Mai and Ty Lee again, and Azula and his father had been disconcertingly nice, but… but he had made a mistake going back. He had made a mistake not listening to Iroh, and his life was full of regrets that he could never take back. He couldn’t take back the way he had told Sal that going home, that getting his honor back was worth more than anything anyone else could offer him. It was worth more than Iroh. It was worth more than Sal, because Sal had wanted him to be better and he hadn’t been able to listen. Zuko hunched his shoulders, well aware that he had thrown himself back into his relationship with Mai just to try to scrape Sal from his mind. He had spoken of her – loudly – when he knew Sal would be able to hear. The things he had done… they were desperate, but they were also cruel. Zuko knew he should just let Sal leave. He should let this fade, should let it keep crumbling like it had begun to the moment he had turned his back. “Wait.” The word was out before he could stop it. It didn’t escape with the same harsh command it may have once. This wasn’t an order. It was a plea.
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Aug 5, 2021 0:25:45 GMT -5
All things considered…Sal didn’t know if he had the right to be hurt. He wasn’t in Zuko’s world. He wasn’t Iroh, who had actually been betrayed and had every right to be angry about it, though from what Sal could gather about the man…he somehow doubted it was anger keeping Iroh awake at night. But him…he hadn’t been betrayed the same way. It wasn’t like Zuko owed him anything. They’d been friends, fine, but it wasn’t like Zuko had directly stood against Sal. It wasn’t like Sal was in his world, it wasn’t like he could promise he knew the full story. He wished he did. But he thought he knew enough by now to say Zuko had picked the wrong side. Even if Sal didn’t have the right to feel betrayed…he could disagree with the decision. And he could wonder if he could still have anything to do with the boy making it. He tried not to think about Mai at all. It didn’t help anything. Zuko could be with whoever he wanted, couldn’t he? The word surprised him, and he hesitated, stopping as he processed it. He stood still a long moment, trying to decide whether to keep walking…then turned, facing Zuko. He didn’t speak. He didn’t know what to say. The ball, he thought, was currently firmly in Zuko’s court.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Aug 5, 2021 0:34:50 GMT -5
Zuko hadn’t planned out what to say. He had just asked Sal to stop, he had just… how was it that facing Sal was more frightening than facing his father? He had a feeling that Sal would resent that thought if he gave voice to it, so he tried to push it away. It wasn’t Sal’s fault. It was just that… in spite of everything, Zuko still cared about what Sal thought of him. He couldn’t afford to care what Ozai thought of him. Ozai represented the wrong side. Ozai was hard and cruel, and he had never been the good father Zuko had tried to paint him as. He was everything that was wrong with the Fire Nation. Zuko knew his home – his people – wasn’t a land of cruelty. It was a nation just like any other, it was just who it had at its helm. It was the person calling the shots who had shown no remorse as he burned half of his son’s face off for speaking out of line. It was the person capable of that cruelty. Sometimes, Zuko wondered what things would have been like if Iroh had become Firelord. Not that Zuko would have been around to see it – Ozai would have killed him without a second thought if Ursa hadn’t intervened. “You… were right,” he managed, staring firmly at the ground, his hands resting in his pockets. Resting wasn’t an apt descriptor – they were opening and closing into fists, restlessness filling him. He needed to do something. He wanted to fix this. And he’d always been pretty terrible at talking.
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Aug 5, 2021 0:50:43 GMT -5
Sal wished sometimes that he could visit the Fire Nation. He knew it wasn’t all bad…he didn’t see how it could be. And there was Iroh, living proof that not everyone was that bad. Sal thought he’d have liked Iroh, though he didn’t know if it would have been mutual. It didn’t matter now. What mattered was that, somehow…Zuko had somerhing to say to him. Sal took a moment to appreciate the fact that he wasn’t required to listen to it, if he didn’t want to. But he didn’t move towards the hall again. The words surprised him. He studied Zuko, not looking away. He didn’t understand. He didn’t know what Zuko meant, because he couldn’t mean what it sounded like. “Right about what?” He asked quietly. He didn’t want to break this moment…he didn’t want to say the wrong thing. But he needed to know what Zuko was talking about.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Aug 5, 2021 0:58:20 GMT -5
Part of Zuko didn’t want to continue. Half of him was certain that Sal was just going to turn around and walk away, and that would be that. All of Zuko hoped he wouldn’t. He just.. had to make this work. He had to say the right words to get Sal to stop, to get him to listen to what he had to say. Yeah… easier said than done. He had failed Sal. He had chosen the wrong side, and then he had insisted on trying to make himself believe that he hadn’t made a mistake. The Fire Nation wasn’t all bad. There were people there that he liked, things he wanted to save and hold onto. He didn’t think that having a Firelord was a bad thing either, it was just that Ozai wasn’t the right choice. “Everything,” Zuko breathed, his voice only just loud enough to carry to Sal. “Mostly about my father. About going home. About… about a lot of things. I made… I made the wrong choice. I chose my father over my uncle. I chose myself over the other three nations, and…” he breathed out, daring a glance up at Sal. He wasn’t sure he was doing this right. Slowly, very slowly, Zuko sank to his knees, bowing as low as he could without it seeming like a mockery. “And I’d like to say I’m sorry. I won’t… I won’t beg for your forgiveness. I won’t even ask you for it. But I apologize. For never listening. For betraying everything you were trying to help me be.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Aug 5, 2021 1:09:07 GMT -5
Sal didn’t want to walk away. He didn’t want to just…ignore this, not now. Like it or not, he cared about Zuko, a lot…he cared about him enough that the idea of just leaving him stung too bad to be considered. How eyes widened as Zuko sank down. It wasn’t a common gesture in his own world, of course, but he did understand it. Zuko was serious about this. Sal didn’t know how to respond. He didn’t know how to react. He truly hadn’t ever expected an apology from Zuko…he hadn’t expected him to ever see it like Sal did. “Oh,” he breathed out. He wanted to move forwards, but something held him back. “What changed?” He asked finally, voice soft. He needed context, he thought. Or maybe he just wanted it.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Aug 5, 2021 1:16:09 GMT -5
“I went home,” Zuko breathed, voice soft. He knew that wasn’t explanation enough. He knew that Sal deserved more, but he wasn’t sure he knew the words to give it. It was just that… he sighed. If he was going to take the time to think of an answer, he might as well give it to Sal outright. “It wasn’t what I expected it to be. I mean… Azula told Father I killed the Avatar. I was… I mean I was treated like a hero. It was everything I’ve ever wanted. I got to sit in on War Council meetings. I got to sit with my father and he didn’t see me as…” he trailed off, not quite ready to think that through to its conclusion. “It was everything I had ever wanted,” he repeated, almost as though trying to convince himself it was the truth. “Father was still sacrificing lives to fight a war that doesn’t need to be fought. And the Avatar… he gave people hope. I wish I could have done it earlier, I wish I had seen while I was still on Ember Island – and I guess I did, I just didn’t want to admit it…” the words were hard, but he kept forcing them. “The pride of a father who doesn’t see you as anything until you kill a child…” he let that thought hang, then pressed his forehead to the floor. “It’s not his pride I need. And deep down, I don’t think it’s what I wanted, either.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Aug 5, 2021 13:06:32 GMT -5
Sal listened, not looking away even once. He could picture it. Zuko, going home, back to his father and sister and honor. He had guessed as much, when he’d heard what had happened with Iroh. That was what Zuko had always wanted, wasn’t it? It was what he’d longed for as long as Sal had ever known him, anyway, and he thought he’d probably wanted it ever since he’d lost it. Sal had just thought maybe other things were more important. He’d been disappointed. He breathed out. Zuko was apologizing. That was what this was. He had figured out he was wrong, and he was apologizing, genuinely. And Sal didn’t know what to do. He stepped forward a little, then stopped. He half wished Zuko would look at him, but he didn’t say it. “What are you going to do?” He asked finally, keeping his voice as cautious as he could. “I’m guessing the Firelord isn’t going to just let you go that easily.”
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Aug 5, 2021 14:12:58 GMT -5
Zuko didn’t expect to be forgiven. That wasn’t why he was doing this. That wasn’t why he was on his knees in front of Sal, being as genuine as he possibly could. He was apologizing because he had been wrong. Because he had acted cruelly, because he had left Sal behind. And because nobody had ever thought to apologize to him when he’d been exiled. The one thing Zuko had wanted – really, truly wanted – had been his father’s apology. Proof of his unconditional love. He had wanted to be someone his father could be proud of. He had wanted to prove himself worthy of his love. Or maybe… maybe he had wanted Ozai to love him without proof that he should. It was all complicated and mixed up, and Zuko didn’t have the words to begin to unravel it. He only had this: an apology, and a paltry explanation. Not an excuse. He was done offering excuses. Slowly, Zuko lifted his gaze to meet Sal’s. “The eclipse just passed.” He let the sentence hang in the air for a long moment, trying to figure out how to explain what had just happened. “While our bending was gone, I confronted my father. I told him I was going to help the Avatar. I…” before, he may have recited every word to Sal. Now, he wasn’t sure it would be welcome. “He shot lightning at me. I… I redirected it.” It was impossible not to let a tiny bit of pride slip into his words. “And then I left. He won’t be after me.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Aug 5, 2021 19:17:24 GMT -5
Sal could see how genuine Zuko was being. He could see that this…this was him trying his best to do the right thing. He wondered whether he’d apologized to Iroh, yet. Or the Avatar. He needed to decide what to do with the apology he’d just been presented with. Maybe Zuko wasn’t expecting to be forgiven, maybe wasn’t trying to gain that, but for Sal, that was what this boiled down to, wasn’t it? He had the apology. He needed to know what to do with it. “Redirected it?” Sal repeated, eyes widening as he met Zuko’s gaze. “You redirected lightning? Zuko, that’s…that’s amazing.” It really was, too. He knew this was an apology, but still…Zuko had actually redirected lightning. That wasn’t a small achievement. He hesitated, then gave a small sigh and sank down to sit on the floor next to Zuko. The kneeling, it had meaning, but he wanted to be a little closer. “You’ll need to flee the Fire Nation, then,” he said quietly, hands folded. “What about Iroh? Is he with you? Have you talked to him yet?” With the Avatar, the fight hadn’t been personal. Zuko had never been anything but the Avatar’s enemy. As far as Sal was concerned, betraying Iroh had been worse. Betraying loved ones was always going to be worse.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Aug 5, 2021 21:01:56 GMT -5
Sal knew what a big accomplishment redirecting lighting had been. He had been there when Zuko had blinked in, drenched in rain and screaming at the sky… he knew how dangerous it was, and he knew that any mistakes would have resulted in Zuko’s death. It was hard not to think of that, even with the feeling of holding lightning still thrumming through him. It was almost like it hadn’t left when he had shot it at the wall. It was like part of it still lived inside him. Was this what his father and Azula felt like all the time? He took in a deep breath, one hand curling into a fist on the floor as he tried to get his thoughts back in order. “I did it,” he said after a moment, unsure if it was a bad time to let pride thrill through him. And then Sal was beside him and it took all of Zuko’s strength not to lean against him. His apology hadn’t been accepted yet. He hadn’t been forgiven. It wasn’t right to assume that Sal would be okay with anything, especially given everything that lay between them now. “Uncle was… gone,” he said after a long moment. “He broke out before I could get to him. I don’t… know where he went, but I don’t have the time to track him down. I think… I think he’d rather I track the Avatar. Or maybe he doesn’t care either way what I do now. I wouldn’t hold it against him.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Aug 5, 2021 21:14:01 GMT -5
Sal remembered that blink well. He knew how intensely Zuko had wanted this…he knew how hard he’d tried, even as the world once again seemed bent on telling him he wasn’t good enough. That no matter how much harder he tried, he’d nevwr measure up. That hadn’t been true, but he couldn’t blame Zuko for hurting when it felt like it was. He wished he could be in Zuko’s world. He wished he could have been there when he confronted his father, when he redirected the lightning. He wished he didn’t have to rely on the House, but he was grateful it had allowed this, at least. He breathed out. He couldn’t speak for Iroh. He’d never even met the man. But he could at least speak for himself. “I never wanted to stop being your friend,” he said quietly, shaking his head. “I just…wanted you to be someone you could be proud of. I know I can’t ever tell you who you should be, but…” He looked down. He wanted to take Zuko’s hand, but he resisted. “You hurt more people than just me. I wasn’t even there, I can’t be the one to forgive you. But…I accept your apology, as far as I’m able. And I believe that you’re trying to make it right.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Aug 6, 2021 11:13:48 GMT -5
Sal nodded a little. He knew Zuko had messed up, and he knew this was probably just the beginning of his attempt to make it right again. He breathed out a little. Of all the things he’d expected here…he’d never dared hope for longer than a few seconds at a time that Zuko would actually end up here, apologizing and doing his best to fix it. Now that he was? Relief curled through Sal, relieving the tension he’d been carrying like a weight in his chest. It had been hard to actively disagree with what Zuko was doing, before. It had been almost impossible to turn his back on him, even as gently as he had. He’d tried to be as kind about it as he could, but he knew that nothing could have softened that sort of blow, if he’d been on the other side of it. If Zuko had been the one saying he couldn’t condone the things Sal was doing. The things Sal thought he had to do. “Okay,” he said softly, meeting Zuko’s gaze and holding it. “Okay. Then…I’m proud to stand beside you as you make it right. I’ll be here to support you. Whatever happens now.”
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Aug 6, 2021 19:00:20 GMT -5
Zuko knew there were still things they needed to talk about. Things he couldn’t take back. Things… he shook his head. He had a lot of regrets, and he didn’t know if it would be very helpful to think about them all know. All he knew was that Sal was in front of him and he was accepting his apology, and he was willing to help Zuko make it right. It was more than he deserved, he knew. He had treated the people who cared about him poorly, because he had tried to become someone he wasn’t. It had been hard to lose both Sal and Iroh in one fell swoop. It was probably difficult for them to lose him, too. It was probably worse for them, actually. At least Zuko knew that Sal and Iroh were still alive. They had lived with the fact that the Zuko they’d had hope in was slowly killing himself to become the Zuko he thought he needed to be. He took in a deep breath, straightening up enough that his hands fell into his lap. “I know you were proud of me,” Zuko said after a long moment, letting his shoulders slump in. “When I let the Avatar’s bison go. I know… you probably thought that was the start of… of me making the right decisions. And… I guess more personally… I’m sorry I ruined that. And… I’m even more sorry I pretended afterwards like it didn’t matter to me at all. It did. Everything that… happened. I mean. It matters.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Aug 6, 2021 19:28:44 GMT -5
Sal went still, dropping his gaze as Zuko spoke. He hadn’t really expected that to be brought up, if he were honest…at least not now, when they were making up. When Sal was accepting the apology. It made sense. It was even more that they had between them, now. Even more that they hadn’t let themselves talk about. It didn’t make it any easier to meet Zuko’s eyes, He almost wanted to shut that topic down before it could hurt him. But he knew it wasn’t going to make it better. He just… Maybe he didn’t want to be upset with Zuko, and this topic was going to make it very hard not to be. He took a moment, eyes on the floor. He almost pulled his hand back. He didn’t. He was not going to speak with his heart. He was going to speak with his brain. He wasn’t going to say anything he’d regret later. He wasn’t. “Didn’t feel like it mattered much to you,” he managed after a moment, his voice quiet. He was not going to look at Zuko. He couldn’t. “It’s not like…I was just patiently waiting for you to figure things out, you know. I don’t want you to think that. But I did…I guess I did get a bad feeling about the things you were doing. Maybe I felt like you did, too. I thought…” He let out a small, shaky breath. There were too many words and he couldn’t say a single one.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Aug 6, 2021 22:49:58 GMT -5
Zuko knew that it wasn’t a pleasant topic. He knew the way he had thrown Mai’s name around when Sal was around had been cruel. He knew that… well, he knew that he was trying to deny everything in himself that hadn’t been acceptable to his father. If he had stayed longer, would he have begged Azula to switch back with him? No, he likely wouldn’t have gone that far. He was perfectly happy with how he presented now. He didn’t want to pretend he was a girl. He was lucky that he had managed to avoid a childhood of that, once he and Azula had both figured out the truth about themselves. Zuko stared at their hands, almost pulling his own back. He didn’t want to hurt Sal, but it was too late to avoid that. Now was just… trying to help pick up the pieces, no matter how hard it was. No matter if Sal didn’t want to try to put the pieces back together. Zuko would hold them for as long as it took, even if Sal never wanted to try to piece… whatever it was that they were to each other… back together. “I know,” he said after a long moment, uncertain how exactly to respond. “I’m not… selfish enough to believe that you were just… waiting for me to figure it all out. You have your own life, and… and I really shouldn’t take up that much of your consciousness. But… you were right. That I felt things were wrong. I wanted to go with what Iroh was doing. There was a part of me that wanted to help the Avatar and… and join his team, and… and let Katara…” his brow creased and he lifted a hand to lightly touch his scar. Sal wore a prosthetic to hide his face. Zuko didn’t have that luxury. But he did want the scar gone. He wanted… he wanted to be free from the shame of his mistake. His eyes narrowed and he looked away, trying to get his thoughts (and his heart) back in order. “I had been trying to get home for so long. And when I got home, I couldn’t… I couldn’t be the person I had started to become. I had to be the boy my father would be proud of. I had to be… I had to be who I thought I wanted to be, and that couldn’t… it couldn’t include you. And I hated it, but… but I really thought I was doing the right thing.” Zuko fell silent, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. “I thought about… I thought about kissing you. Every day.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Aug 6, 2021 23:49:27 GMT -5
Sal was pretty sure he didn’t want to talk about this. At all. It was one thing, hearing Zuko apologize for what he’d done in his own world. Things that hadn’t been about Sal, things that mattered, of course they mattered, more than this even, but…but not this. He knew this wasn’t as big a deal. It hadn’t been like Zuko was betraying the world when he loudly talked about Mai. When he didn’t look at Sal. When he didn’t seem to even remember he was in the room, or maybe he didn’t even remember why his presence should have meant something. Selfishly, he felt this was harder to forgive. He didn’t want to feel…whatever he was feeling. He didn’t know how to have this conversation properly, in a way that would leave all the loose ends nearly tied up, and both parties feeling heard. Even worse was the knowledge that there was probably a perfect way to communicate what he needed to say. He just didn’t know what it was. He didn’t want to take everything Zuko was saying wrong. This was going to become a fight very, very fast if he let it. Zuko didn’t deserve that. Not when he was here to apologize and make things right. He pulled his hand back and stood up, walking towards the wall, only stopping when he was right in front of it, his back to Zuko. “I get that,” he said finally, his voice carefully controlled, though it still shook a little. “I get that you couldn’t…but you knew that. You knew that already.” He wanted to face him, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it. He didn’t think he could do this if he did. “I just…want to know. Did you think you weren’t going to go back, when…you let he bison go?” He closed his eyes as Zuko finally said it. He’d been trying not to, somehow. Like that would make it better. “Yeah, well…” he managed, very quietly. Nothing he wanted to say next was fair, so he didn’t.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Aug 7, 2021 18:50:31 GMT -5
Zuko knew this wasn’t exactly a comfortable conversation topic, but he also knew it needed to be discussed. He needed to talk to Iroh about betraying him. He needed to get the Avatar and his crew to accept him. And he needed to have this conversation with Sal about… well, about what they might have been before Zuko went home. Before he had killed anything that might have been growing between them. How long had he liked Sal? How long had he thought about kissing him before Sal had suggested it himself, before Zuko had held his prosthetic delicately between his hands, before… he forced himself to breathe. He couldn’t get too wrapped up in that, not when he was still in the middle of the conversation. He would have plenty of time to overthink how this conversation was going once the conversation was over. There was very little Sal might say that Zuko was going to defend against. He had done a lot of things wrong, and if Sal decided to hurl words at him like daggers, he would stand here and take them. He would let them hit him, and he would try to pretend that they didn’t hurt at all. He took a breath in, waiting for Sal to say something. Waiting to see where this was going to go, because it was up to Sal to choose that. “I… I knew that I’d have to be someone else when I went home. I thought that was the person I should have been. I… I guess I was ashamed of not being exactly who my father wanted me to be, because… if I couldn’t even make my father proud, what did I have? I thought I had nothing, Sal. I get that I was wrong, but I thought I had nothing. Nobody. I didn’t open my eyes wide enough to… to see you.” He bit his lip, not quite looking at Sal. “To answer your question, though… I thought, when I chose to let the Avatar’s bison go… that I had given up my chance to go home. That was the act that made me a traitor. So… so no, I didn’t think I was ever going back.” What he didn’t say was that he felt free. What he didn’t say was that the feeling scared up. What he didn’t say is that he had exchanged that freedom for a cage of his own choosing, believing it would be better. What he didn’t say was that he had been wrong.
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Aug 7, 2021 19:55:21 GMT -5
Sal breathed out, looking at the wall as Zuko spoke. Truthfully? He’d never expected to have this conversation. He’d never expected to have anything like closure, anything more than…than leaving the room whenever the House decided to drop them in together. Hearing Zuko rub it in his face at every opportunity. He couldn’t pretend it hadn’t happened. He knew that. He couldn’t just…say it was fine, when it had stung, badly. He knew it would have been worse if they’d actually really been together, not just…whatever they were. But it still felt a lot like getting stabbed in the back. He couldn’t help being hurt. But he wasn’t going to hurt Zuko back. Even if he did need to be honest about this. He turned to look at Zuko again, meeting his eyes. “I was right there,” he told him, breathing out. “I was trying to tell you that you weren’t alone. You just…weren’t listening. I know it was hard on you. I get that, I really do.” He shook his head a little. “At the time, I thought maybe you’d always planned to go back eventually, you know? Like I was just a temporary thing. And then when you went back, and you got Mai, and you just acted like it never happened or you didn’t even care, and I know it was just the one kiss, but…” He hesitated. Then he moved back toward the couch and carefully sat down, not too close to Zuko, but close enough. “Did you know I can count on one hand the number of people who’ve seen me without this?” He asked finally, his voice soft. “I’m not…saying that you can’t date anyone you want to date and talk about whatever you want to talk about. It’s none of my business. I’m just…saying that you could have at least pretended that me trusting you with all of me meant anything to you.”
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Aug 7, 2021 20:19:21 GMT -5
“I know you were,” Zuko breathed, casting his gaze away and staring straight at the leg of the couch. He was grateful he couldn’t start fires just by staring, because otherwise the entire couch would be aflame. He had better control of his bending than that, at least. He may not have been a prodigy, but he was at least competent. Competent enough to train the Avatar… hopefully. He was trying not to think about that yet. Trying not to face the fact that he was going to be the person who made sure the Avatar was prepared to kill his father. He was upset with Ozai, sure. He didn’t think the war they were fighting was right. He didn’t think the things Ozai did were good or kind or even honorable. But he wasn’t sure he wanted to be part of the reason behind his father’s death. It was all so… complicated. “I was stupid not to see you. And it’s not your fault I didn’t. It’s… not your fault I didn’t stay, either. I saw an opportunity and I didn’t have long to choose, and I was scared to turn my back on everything I had dreamed about for three years. I thought… I thought maybe I was wrong, about what going back would be like. I thought it might be everything I had hoped when I was younger… it was stupid. And I shouldn’t have ever let you or anyone else get hurt because of it.” It was easy to say that now, but there were things he needed to do to make it better. There were things he would need to do in order to regain Sal’s trust, but he didn’t know what that might be. Zuko’s thoughts fractured into fragments at that moment. He heard Sal’s words and shame washed over him, shame and understanding. It hadn’t just been about the kiss. Zuko trying to be the sort of man he was expected to had led to… had led to Sal thinking that none of it had mattered. Not the trust or the secret or… or anything else about it. “It meant everything,” Zuko murmured, voice hoarse. “I didn’t tell you at the time that I thought it was courageous, but… it was. And I thought… I thought it meant a turning point. I thought it meant maybe I’d be brave enough to trust you with all of myself, too. You were always the bravest between us,” he managed, barely managing to hold Sal’s gaze for a few seconds. He was either about to make this better or catastrophically worse in any number of ways, but… he had to try. “I’m sorry I didn’t… I didn’t decide to trust you with everything in that moment. But there are only… four people who know this, so I guess… it won’t make up for making you feel like it didn’t matter, but… a secret for a secret. All of you for all of me. I guess it’s easier ‘cause your world already has a word for it, but… I’m trans. And the first time I thought I might be able to tell you was when you trusted me to see underneath your prosthetic. I’m sorry I didn’t… I’m sorry I didn’t get to tell you before I turned my back on everything you were helping me become.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Aug 7, 2021 21:58:51 GMT -5
Sal listened quietly, looking at his hands as Zuko spoke. As he explained what he’d really been thinking, something Sal had been guessing at, but hadn’t known for sure. He just…wished it hadn’t happened. He knew Zuko wished that, too. He didn’t know for sure how to fix any of this, but he was trying to. They both were. “I’m sorry you were put in that position,” he said quietly, shaking his head. “And I’m sorry that things were as hard as they were. I don’t have any idea what it must have been like. I mean, it’s not like I’ve really been in any sort of position like that before. Being forced to choose between everything you’ve always wanted and someone you’ve been chasing nonstop for three years.” He gave a soft sigh. It felt better to actually talk about it. Better than just pretending there was nothing at all to talk about. He glanced up at Zuko. Truthfully…he didn’t know what he expected. What sort of thing Zuko might say in response to his honesty. He definitely didn’t see Zuko’s response coming. “Oh,” he breathed, eyes widening, just a little bit. It was so far from what he’d expected Zuko to say that for a long moment, he didn’t have any sort of reply. He did understand why Zuko had told him, though. It meant he understood, as well as anyone could, what it had meant to him. It wasn’t just a secret for a secret. It was, as Zuko had said, all of them. Even the parts underneath. He felt….oddly relieved. He hadn’t let Zuko see him with the expectation of getting anything back, of course, he hadn’t wanted to make Zuko feel like he had to share something too, but he thought Zuko knew that. That was why this mattered. It had been given freely, on both sides. He faced Zuko, searching his eyes quietly for a long moment before he breathed out. “Thank you,” he murmured finally, not looking away. “For trusting me. And for…coming back. And actually having the guts to apologize. It couldn’t have been easy to do.”
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Aug 7, 2021 23:08:53 GMT -5
Zuko wasn’t sure that any of it was fixable. He had messed up. There wasn’t any way to un mess up. He could try to make things right, he could try to earn the trust of the people he had wronged, but none of them were obligated to forgive him. He wouldn’t blame any of them if they didn’t, especially Iroh and Sal. If the Avatar and his friends didn’t… well, the world might end. The difference between them and Iroh and Sal was that nothing he had done against the Avatar and his friends was personal. His betrayal of the two people he loved and trusted most… there was nothing but personal wounds there. He was taking the first steps towards denying the person his father wanted him to be. He couldn’t erase the damage he had caused, but maybe he could do enough good to at least start to make up for it. “I’m… glad you understand,” Zuko managed after a moment, trying not to let the vulnerability seep into his voice. He wasn’t used to being this open, and he was fairly certain that Sal knew that. He was… he was trying, though. He wasn’t going to stop trying. “But it doesn’t excuse anything I did. It doesn’t excuse the fact that I made the wrong choice. It doesn’t excuse the fact that people got hurt.” Perhaps it was more personal with the Avatar and his friends than Zuko had originally considered… it was Zuko’s fault that the Avatar had very nearly died. It was a good thing Katara hadn’t used the magic water on him… his hand moved up to his scar, but he didn’t say anything for a long moment. It was easier to think about Sal, he realized. Easier to face the fact that there were no secrets between the two of them anymore, nothing they were keeping form each other. All of Sal. All of Zuko. Out there in the open, free to be picked up and tossed around if ever one decided to betray the other. It wasn’t going to happen. Zuko was going to do everything in his power not to hurt Sal again. “You’ve done nothing but prove yourself trustworthy,” Zuko whispered, unable to quite meet Sal’s eye. “And… thank you for listening to my apology. Thanks for not turning me away. I wouldn’t have held it against you if you did.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Aug 7, 2021 23:25:58 GMT -5
Zuko was trying. Sal knew that. He knew Zuko wasn’t used to this…this openness. Sal wasn’t exactly used to it, either, but he thought he was more than Zuko was. He had people he was honest with. He had people who knew him. Zuko… He’d had Iroh, until he hadn’t. And then who did he have? This was what he’d meant when he’d said he’d thought he was alone. It didn’t fix everything. Of course it didn’t. Sal didn’t think it could be fixed that fast, no matter how genuine Zuko was. “I know,” he said quietly. “I know it doesn’t excuse it. And I can’t just not be hurt anymore, because it happened, and it did hurt. You may have thought you were alone, but you still made your own decisions, and I accept that.” He breathed out. This was hard. But then…it was hard in the right sort of way. “I believe you’re trying,” he told him, trying to catch his eye. He almost wanted to take his hand again, but he resisted the urge. “And I believe you’re going to keep trying. I hope I can be a part of it…if you still want me around.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Aug 7, 2021 23:38:26 GMT -5
Sal had worried that Zuko might fall into cruelty…he’d worried there it eas already happening. And a part of him had wondered if really, it had always been there, and he’d just been blind to it. The things he’d done had felt intentionally cruel to Sal. He knew now that they hadn’t been, but at the time…it had been easy to wonder if he was exactly where he belonged after all. He hesitated, looking up at Zuko for a long moment. Then he pushed himself to his feet, too. Maybe he was better at talking about himself than Zuko was, but that didn’t mean he was willing to do it for too long at a time before he was ready to do something else. “I’d say that sounds like a good plan,” he replied. “Your turn to pick the door, by the way.”
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