Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Mar 1, 2021 2:27:33 GMT -5
The truth was that Orpheus did have blood on his hands. There was nothing he could do to wash it off, either. Even if it hadn’t been his fault for turning around (which he was probably going to continue to blame himself for forever), it was his negligence that had caused Eurydice’s death in the first place. He hadn’t been there for her when he’d needed to be. He’d made her gather the food, the firewood, he’d sent her out into the cold without even realizing it. He hadn’t heard her as she’d called for him. It was little wonder that Hades had decided to prey on her. He shook his head, trying to clear the thought. He didn’t want to think about Eurydice. She was gone, and though he could never get rid of the knife that had been stabbed into his chest by her death, it wasn’t Eurydice who needed him now. It was L. Orpheus just wished he had known. Wished he had been able to hold L like this earlier, to tell him earlier that it wasn’t his fault, that he was there for him and he believed in him… and even if he hadn’t loved him yet, maybe his support would have been enough. There was only so much dwelling in the past that was helpful. There was nothing Orpheus could do to change how he found out about this, there was nothing he could do about the fact that he hadn’t been there for L when he needed him. He made a silent promise that he wasn’t going to let the same mistake happen again. The next time L needed him, he would be there to hold him and reassure him and promise him that even if the world wasn’t fair, L was working just as tirelessly as Orpheus was to make it so. He could work miracles, all by himself. He was the smartest, kindest, most wonderful man Orpheus had ever met, and if anyone could make a difference in the world, it was him. And maybe accidents happened sometimes that couldn’t be prevented. Mistakes were made by even the best, and it wasn’t fair of L to blame himself for those things. He had saved more lives than he had ever hurt. “I know,” Orpheus whispered, holding L as tightly as he wanted to be held. “I know they deserved better, but it wasn’t you that took it away from them. It wasn’t your fault they got hurt.” He breathed in, knowing all too well that they had gotten hurt because L had wanted to believe the best of someone. It was the sort of mistake that Orpheus made on a daily basis. He would have told L that he should never apologize for believing in good, but he knew that didn’t apply here. BB had been dangerous, and L had lived his life not trusting anyone for a reason. “Those people… if there’s an afterlife, I’m sure they’re relieved. Relieved that you save lives, rather than take them. And I’m sure they wish you the best in continuing to save lives.” He fell silent for a long moment, letting one hand drift up into L’s hair. “Maybe,” he whispered, considering it. It seemed unlikely, but if L wanted to believe it, then Orpheus could believe it, too. “You were the only reason I got better,” he continued, not letting go. He swayed lightly, hoping the slight movement would help. “And even if it’s years later… I’m glad I know. And I’m glad I get to hold you and tell you the truth that it’s not your fault.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Mar 1, 2021 2:56:40 GMT -5
Orpheus had never intended for harm to come to Eurydice, or anyone else. L knew that, without a shadow of a doubt. Maybe he’s been reckless, maybe he hadn’t been paying attention, but he’d been young and filled to the brim with dreams and L couldn’t hold that against him. He hadn’t known. He wasn’t L...wasn’t suspicious, afraid, too careful, paranoid. He wasn’t L and L wasn’t him, and there were pros and cons to both identities. If he’d been L, he might have been able to protect her, or at least not let her die, but he also would never have had the chance, because L would never have approached her in the first place. Missed opportunities...that was L’s curse. He wouldn’t have thought of approaching someone and giving them his heart. He probably had missed dozens of similar opportunities to change his life, because he lived in the shadows, and he didn’t let people too close. It didn’t matter now. Orpheus hadn't saved Eurydice, and L hadn’t saved these victims, and it was in the past. All they had was the future. He didn’t believe the best in people. And this...this was perhaps exactly why. Because the moment he did, people died. He couldn’t afford to make that mistake again, not ever. He was trying, of course he was trying. But it wasn’t always enough to try. He blamed himself, he probably always would, but...he was grateful. He was deeply grateful to Orpheus for being there for him. The world wasn’t fair, L knew that. He didn’t expect to make it fair. He just wanted to make someone’s life last a little bit longer. He wanted to save people, makes things a little bit better for however long he could. “I knew better than to believe the best of someone,” he murmured, pain obvious in his tone. He couldn’t physically get any closer to Orpheus now. There was no distance left to close. “I should have known better. I’ve spent my life learning that lesson the hard way, and I still managed to ignore it and people died because of it. It’s BB’s fault, but...I should have helped him more. I should have been able to read him. He needed help and I let him become a killer.” He could never take it back, either. Not ever. He listened, letting out a tiny sigh as Orpheus spoke. “I hope so,” he murmured, closing his eyes. “I hope you’re right.” The movement helped. He felt...a little calmer. His younger self had managed to quiet his sobs by now, and simply sat staring at the young girl’s face. Feeling, L remembered, completely alone in the entire world. It was bad timing all around. Watari had been gone, too, busy with other things. Orpheus had been physically present, but he’d needed L more than L needed him at the time. “I’m glad you know, too,” he whispered. “I’m glad you’re here.”
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Mar 1, 2021 3:18:38 GMT -5
If Orpheus knew what L was thinking, he would have told him that he had saved countless people. Would have told him that he did more good than he could possibly know. That there were so many people who owed their lives to L, and many of them probably didn’t know it. But he couldn’t read L’s thoughts, and his own had started to quiet down. He had pushed away the thoughts of the past so he couldn’t get lost in those anymore, and all that was there was the present. Now. Holding L and making up for everything he hadn’t been able to do earlier. Orpheus held L as close as possible, not daring to close his eyes in case the room went dark again. In case L needed something from him. He didn’t let go, didn’t want L to feel for even a moment that Orpheus wasn’t there for him. “I think,” Orpheus murmured almost silently, “that the way we believe in people is… already well suited to our lives,” he admitted. He wanted a world where L got to trust people, but trusting the wrong person led to more people getting hurt. L probably wanted Orpheus to be a little bit more cautious, but caution led to suspicion and distrust, and that was why Orpheus had turned. “But I can’t lecture you for believing in someone. I can’t hold that against you. I’m sorry it backfired, love. I’m so, so sorry.” Orpheus would never blame L for what happened, but he could see why L blamed himself. There were parallels, in a way. Maybe, when they got out, Orpheus would write a song. No details, of course, neither of them needed another reminder of why they felt like a failure, but… just enough to get the feelings across. The feeling of knowing the person you love most in the world doesn’t hold your biggest failing against you, doesn’t blame you for it, even when you can’t shake the blame away from yourself. He’d play it for L, eventually. “I know I’m right,” he whispered, “At least about this.” He kept rocking back and forth, holding L and letting the gentle motion calm them both. He gently teased his fingers through L’s hair once more, hoping his presence now was enough. He could never make up for not being there when L needed him, but he could be there now. He had to be there now. “Thank you for trusting me enough to have me here,” Orpheus added, leaning into the hug for another long moment before a hand slipped down and intertwined with L’s. “What do you say we get out of here and find a way to fix this all?” His free hand drifted up to gently tap L’s temple. “I miss hearing you think out loud.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Mar 1, 2021 4:09:17 GMT -5
This was everything L had wanted, before, but he couldn’t have had it then. He knew he’d done the right, thing, not telling Orpheus what he’d been going through. It hadn’t been a matter of trust, just...bad timing. Very bad timing. He nodded a little, knowing Orpheus was right. Knowing Orpheus knew what he was talking about. They were both suited to their lives, he supposed. He had to be suspicious to help people, and Orpheus had to be trusting to do the same. They led extensive different lives, and it showed. Love. Orpheus hadn’t called L that since the House has messed with his head. Did this mean...he was getting better? Could he hope. He wanted to hope. He still felt...broken...but his memories and how he felt about Orpheus, at least, were better now. He didn’t know about the song Orpheus was planning, but he’d have liked to hear it. Somehow, Orpheus’ music always seemed to make things a little closer to okay again, even things as big as this. So a song would be welcome, something to soothe the pain a little bit. Something to let them both know it was okay. It was in the past. It was okay now. He was ready to move on. Ready to face whatever memory the House threw at them next. He didn’t think there was anything more Orpheus didn’t at least know about...but he didn’t remember enough to know that for sure. If they hit a memory neither of them recognized…what would happen then? Would they be trapped? He didn’t know. And he was getting pretty tired of not knowing things. “I miss having thoughts,” he admitted quietly, squeezing Orpheus’ hand gently. “I’d like to fix this, now.” He turned towards one of the doors, hesitating this time before he chose one. Right...they were getting close, he could feel it. “Let’s go,” he murmured, and stepped through. Into a faded room with twin lights glowing at the center, back to back. He squinted, trying to make it out, but he couldn’t tell what he was. And there seemed to be no people there this time, either. Odd...
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Mar 1, 2021 4:41:29 GMT -5
Orpheus hadn’t meant to slip and call L love again, but there it was, out in the open. Perhaps it was because he felt he was starting to get L back. Perhaps it was because he could feel the man he loved right there, and he didn’t want to let go of him. Perhaps it was because they were close to the end and Orpheus was tired of missing him. None of that mattered. What mattered was that L hadn’t pulled away, and Orpheus didn’t think he would have to worry about L pulling away from him again. He remembered him now, at least. More or less. He remembered the feelings, and regardless of whether there were memories to go along with the feelings, the feelings were what controlled the moment. They could recover the rest of the memories when they found a way to turn L’s thinking back on. “Promise me you’ll share your thoughts as soon as you have them again?” Orpheus asked lightly, a tiny smile on his face. It felt so good to have L back, even in a limited capacity. He still seemed uncertain and scared, but at least he knew who Orpheus was, and at least he seemed to believe him that they were going to fix this. He didn’t know what lay ahead, but he couldn’t help but feel they were starting to see the light at the far end of the tunnel. Orpheus followed L through the door, then blinked in surprise as the next room resolved itself. This… no, the House hadn’t chosen this room to infect, had it? Orpheus knew logically that this room had been impacted by whatever had wormed its way across L’s memories, but he didn’t expect to have to hold L through another death. It wasn’t fair. Nothing about this was fair, no matter how hard Orpheus was trying. “You’ve died three times,” Orpheus softly informed L, gently bumping him with his shoulder as though that would be enough to reassure him. “Are you sure you want to know about this time?” He wouldn’t keep it from L, but he figured the detective at least deserved to know what was coming. Orpheus stepped a bit closer, trying to make the glowing screens resolve into the tiny pixelated frogs. They didn’t, not yet. L didn’t remember yet.
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Mar 1, 2021 5:03:21 GMT -5
Either way, being called ‘love’ had felt good. Either way, L didn’t mind, becaus he remembered enough to know how he felt and he loved Orpheus back, and he didn’t care if the House had messed with his head - no, he did care but it was going to be okay. He believed Orpheus about that much. So it was okay. He told himself he wasn’t worried, or, if he was, that it wasn’t because he didn’t believe in Orpheus, it was just because he was better at worrying than not, and even now he couldn’t help it. No, he wasn’t going to pull away again. He’d done that, and he hadn’t liked it. It felt...much safer being with Orpheus in here, even if he wasn’t safe at all. “I promise,” he breathed, leaning on Orpheus just a little bit. “If you want to hear my thoughts, I promise to share them with you.” They were definitely making progress now, even if he didn’t really understand what that meant. The next room was hard to make out. Blurry, out of focus, like a bad picture. He glanced at Orpheus, half to see his reaction and half to look at something that wouldn’t hurt his eyes. “Oh,” he murmured, looking away. Another death. He didn’t like experiencing them. He didn’t like remembering what it felt like to die, over and over again, but he also didn’t see any choice in the matter. He would find out whether he wanted to or not, his only decision was how. “I’m sure,” he murmured, watching Orpheus steadily. “I need to know. It’s a memory, and those make me who I am, almost as much as thinking does.” He looked over a the lights again, not sure what they meant. He was probably about to find out.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Mar 1, 2021 19:10:19 GMT -5
If Orpheus could have taken the burden off of L, he would have. He would have looked the House in the eye and told it that he didn’t care if he never thought again, so long as L got to think. So long as L got to be himself again. But he didn’t do that, because he still had hope that he was going to be able to fix it. He didn’t know what would happen when he got L’s mind running properly again, but… well, he hoped whatever happened, they’d be okay. They just had to be okay. “This is the last death,” he told L softly, squeezing his hand. “I promise.” He didn’t know of any other deaths, at least, and he had a feeling that was something L would have told him before. There were few, if any, secrets between them. A fourth death would have been a huge secret. He closed his eyes, holding L’s hand for another long moment, wondering if it would still work if he just told L about the memory. Did the music help? Did the music ease the pain of the deaths he had already experienced once? Orpheus didn’t know, just knew that he had always expressed himself best with music, and it was the one way he knew how to do justice to L’s memories. After a long moment of indecision, Orpheus let go of L’s hand and very softly started playing again. The music was gentler than the other rooms, sadder, almost. This wasn’t the saddest thing they had seen – far from it – but Orpheus understood the room now, more than he had the first time he’d lived through it. L had known. L had known, and had sacrificed himself. It took a while for Orpheus to start singing, but once he did he found he couldn’t stop. He remembered this in more detail than most of the others – perhaps it was because it was a fresher memory. Perhaps it was because he had spent hours trying to remember everything L had said, everything he might have been able to understand as a clue to what L had done. He hadn’t known… he should have known.
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Mar 1, 2021 19:32:09 GMT -5
L was holding onto the hope that Orpheus would be able to make this right. He was holding onto the hope that Orpheus knew what he was doing, that he’d be able to fix this, and why shouldn’t he? Orpheus said things would be okay, and L trusted him, somehow. He trusted him, for better or for worse, with all he had. He didn’t know what would happen if they got his mind working properly again. He didn’t know whether it was safe, didn’t even know the chances of it being dangerous. He was really getting tired of not knowing. He gave a tiny nod at that. He didn’t remember whether he had died again after this, but if he had, he thought Orpheus probably would have known. He knew how he felt towards him...since the memory of their meeting, L knew they he loved Orpheus, and Orpheus had confirmed he loved him back. He glanced at Orpheus, unsure what his plan was. Would he play again? L found he hoped so, if only because the music made the memories easier to handle when he remembered them. Then Orpheus started to play and L closed his eyes. The music was almost...sad. Was this room another painful one, then? Stupid question. He had died here, of course it was painful. He just didn’t know how much. The song was gentle, almost sad, and L listened quietly, trying to remember. He didn’t remember...he didn’t know what this room was, he didn’t - And then he did. The frogs. The feeling of Orpheus’ hand in his. Leaning on each other, whispered conversation, voices soft and high. He looked at Orpheus, eyes very wide. “I hate suffocating more than anything,” he murmured, looking away. “But...I don’t regret what I did here. I don’t think. I don’t remember regretting it, anyway…” he closed his eyes, not watching the memory anymore. He didn’t want to watch what was going to happen next. He didn’t want to relive this.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Mar 1, 2021 21:44:05 GMT -5
Orpheus didn’t know if he was worth L’s trust, sometimes. He wasn’t going to hurt L, at least not intentionally, and he did always try his best, it was just… The one time he had tried to help, tried to fix the world… he had failed. He didn’t want to fail again. He didn’t want to fail L. He breathed out, then looked ahead, trying to figure out what all they might have to do once they got out of here. He didn’t stop playing, didn’t stop the music that seemed to make things okay in L’s mind. How could he? L seemed to relax when he heard it, and that mean that in some form, Orpheus was helping him. He gave a small smile, then pushed forward to the difficult part. This… it hadn’t been that long ago. Orpheus still remembered the feeling of L pressed close to him, his chin on L’s shoulders while he battled with the feeling that he was never going to be able to really hold L. He hadn’t thought that there was anything going on in L’s head other than the game and whatever calculations he was making from moment to moment. He hadn’t suspected that L had realized the room was dangerous. L had told him… he had told him it was safe. He put all of that and more into the song, and he let it fill the space even as it cleared up into something recognizable, as he recognized the way he clung to L and had to wonder how he had ever thought himself subtle. He’d been subtle enough that L didn’t notice, anyway. And then the song drifted away and Orpheus let the lyre fall to his side, very gently reaching to take L’s hand again. “I can’t promise that you’ll never suffocate again,” he whispered, voice breaking halfway through, “but I’ll do my best to stop it if I can.” He was getting better at only making the promises he could keep. He didn’t want a trail of broken promises to be his legacy. “Look at me, Λ,” he added, pulling him just a bit closer. “You don’t have to relive this death. Just look at me and let it happen without you.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Mar 1, 2021 23:09:51 GMT -5
One thing L was completely sure of, was that Orpheus was worth his trust, and he didn’t make that decision lightly. Orpheus had made mistakes, yes, as had everyone else. L had made mistakes, too. He wasn’t expecting Orpheus to be perfect, how could he? No one was. The music made things better. He leaned into it, trying to hold onto it. It soothed his cracked mind, like salve on a wound, and he managed to relax a little, breathing out. He didn’t quite remember yet, but it was coming back. He had lied. He had lied...why? Why would he lie to Orpheus? How had he died? It was hard to remember. The feelings were overpowering in this room, the pain, the sense of loss, and…also the happiness that came from being close to Orpheus. He was remembering, slowly. He knew why he had lied now. He closed his eyes as the song drifted away, eyes on the memory, as it turned into something he could understand. The game...the way they held hands and leaned on each other and the looks they shared just a moment too long...and L hadn’t seen it. He hadn’t understood. And now? Now he didn’t know if he could understand completely, because his mind still felt fractured, broken. He gave a tiny nod at that. He believed Orpheus...believed in Orpheus. He wanted to believe he would never suffocate again, but he knew that wasn’t a promise Orpheus could make, and he wouldn’t ask it of him. He hesitated, then tore his eyes away from the memory, focusing on Orpheus instead, eyes wide. He didn’t want to feel this again. He didn’t want to feel his own death over and over again. He held Orpheus, gaze, eyes unblinking, as he hears the voices go quiet. I won. So why do you look like you did? Because I did. L flinched at the soft thump that followed the words. He didn’t look away from Orpheus for even a second.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Mar 2, 2021 1:00:38 GMT -5
Orpheus didn’t want to watch. It was odd, seeing it colored by how L remembered it. It seemed… just a little bit more ominous, and Orpheus knew that wasn’t the House’s doing. This was how L saw the room, in spite of the fun Orpheus was having. Compounded by the fact they were so close to each other. Orpheus breathed out, trying to steady himself. He wasn’t steady, then how could he possibly help L? The song was over, his part of the room shared. It was fairly accurate to L’s memory of it, though that was in part because Orpheus now knew that L was going to die. It was odd, how a memory could seem like one thing while it happened, but when you thought back on it, it suddenly transformed into something very different. This memory did that twofold, Orpheus considered, risking a glance at the way the version of him in the memory was leaning against L. He hadn’t known L was going to die, and he hadn’t known L loved him. Looking at them both now, both things were obvious, Orpheus just hadn’t noticed them. L had always been better at observations anyway. He breathed in, then out again, and focused all of his attention on the L that was in front of him. “There we go,” Orpheus murmured as L directed his attention on him. “Don’t think about it, just… just look at me, feel my hand. You remember it, that’s enough. You don’t have to look.” He gave a small, genuine smile, trying to hold L there for as long as possible before the body fell and the room went dark. He watched L carefully, uncertain if he needed a break or if he was ready to go to the next room. Next memory? Orpheus didn’t know how close you are. “Whenever you’re ready,” he said, his tone enough to show that he meant it, he wasn’t just saying it to hurry L up.
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Mar 2, 2021 1:22:31 GMT -5
Orpheus hadn’t known. L had made sure of that, he had made sure Orpheus couldn’t catch on, because if he had, he would have refused to do it. He wouldn’t have gone through with the game, and he might have ended up dead. And L couldn’t allow that to happen. He just couldn’t. So he’d done the only thing he could do. He’d played in the safe side. He’d played the House’s game. And he had died. He didn’t look at the memory. He didn’t have to. He knew what was happening. It was hard to believe this was not that long ago. He didn’t know exactly how long it had been, yet another side effect of his brain glitching, but he knew it was pretty recent. And he remembered, now, that this is what had spurred Orpheus’s confession. His death had made Orpheus tell him the truth. If he hadn’t died...would either of them ever have said it out loud? L wouldn’t have. L would never have said a word. But...he hoped Orpheus would have eventually, regardless. Even as broken as he was now, he knew he would have been missing a lot if he had never known how Orpheus felt. He focused on Orpheus, trying to keep breathing, the feeling of suffocation washing over him. He knew, rationally, that it was because he was scared, but it didn’t help that his former self had just died of the same thing. “I can keep going,” he murmured, shaking his head a little. He didn’t want to wait here any longer than absolutely necessary, no matter how exhausting and painful this was. He turned, heading for the next room through the blackness. And emerged into...a room full of computers. They seemed to be off, most of them anyway, there were a couple on but there were error messages popping up on those ones. And they were shutting down.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Mar 2, 2021 1:57:25 GMT -5
Orpheus didn’t know how long had passed in L’s world, but he knew the room had only been about two or three days before in his own world. Two blinks. It was recent, so recent… he was grateful L’s death hadn’t stuck, because if he had… well, he’d be deep in the throes of grief right then, and without someone to guide him out, he likely would have stayed there for a very long time. But L was alive, and they were holding hands, and Orpheus let himself believe that things were going to be okay. L was already worlds better than he’d been when they had first blinked in, and with most of the memories fixed… all that was left was to try to fix up L’s thoughts. He let his gaze dropped to where their hands were still intertwined, then gave L’s a soft squeeze. He followed L into the next room, bracing himself for another memory. Bracing himself to have to describe something else painful to L, but it seemed that maybe, just maybe, they had reached the end. Orpheus recognized the computers from other rooms but recognizing a piece of technology and knowing how to use it were very, very different things. This was a metaphor, probably. A representation of L’s mind as he saw it, not actual computers. Orpheus hoped that was the case. He knew L’s mind a lot better than he knew computers. He moved closer, very hesitantly touching the mouse that lay beside one of them, very carefully moving to the error message. He blinked in surprise as the little black arrow moved as he moved the mouse. Okay, so at least he had done that right. “What… what do I do?” he asked, turning to look at L. He didn’t want to break anything, but it was going to break if he didn’t find a way to fix it. Normally he would have let L take over, but L wasn’t even able to touch the floor. He was floating. Touching the computers seemed unlikely, and Orpheus wanted to save L that disappointment.
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Mar 3, 2021 20:26:25 GMT -5
It hadn’t been long for L, either. In fact, it had been around the same amount of time, though he wasn’t sure exactly how long, just that Watari had slept a couple of times. It hadn’t been long at all, but L still hadn’t remembered it. He didn’t know why...didn’t know the point of these memories being targeted. It didn’t seem quite fair that Orpheus had lost L multiple times and L had never been forced to grieve Orpheus, but he didn’t want to complain. Selfishly, he’d rather be killed himself many time than watch Orpheus die even once. Selfishly, he didn’t want to even think about losing Orpheus. So he didn’t. He, too, expected another memory, but that wasn’t what happened. He looked at the room they’d walked into, interest in his eyes, ans tried to imagine what it might be. He didn’t know...he couldn’t think. One of the screens in the corner glitched and a crimson error message popped up before the entire thing shut off. L winced a little, and he felt himself change a little, his thoughts becoming harder to comprehend. “I think...I’m getting worse,” he managed softly, glancing at Orpheus, eyes wide with terror. “Where do you think this is? And...can you…?” He trailed off, not sure how to finish the thought. He blinked and looked up sharply as Orpheus spoke. “You’re asking me?” He questioned nervously, looking at the screens as they continued to glitch. There were, thankfully, a lot of them, but...L didn’t want to know what would happen if they all turned off. He shivered a little and floated over to the computer, peering at it, even if he didn’t quite understand what he was seeing. He reached forward to touch it...and his hand went right through. Right. Ghost. “I don’t know,” he whispered, looking at Orpheus, eyes wide. “I’m sorry.”
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Mar 4, 2021 4:32:12 GMT -5
Orpheus winced as yet another computer shut down. They needed to fix this, and fast, otherwise… well, he didn’t want to believe that L would shut down forever, but that seemed to be what the House was suggesting to them. “I’ve never used a computer before,” he whispered, gaze scanning over each of the screens. There were so many of them… was there one that controlled all of the others, or were they all controlled separately? If he clicked the little ‘x’ button on top of the error box, would he hurt L? Well… the ‘learn more’ button didn’t seem terribly harmful. Unless it told him more about L that L didn’t want to share with him… Orpheus shook the thought away. He didn’t think L would mind what he found out that way so long as he found it out in a genuine attempt to help. “I want to help you,” he told L, eyes wide as he looked at the man he loved. If he failed here… no, he couldn’t think like that. He wasn’t going to fail. “I just… what’s everything you remember about computers?” Orpheus glanced at L to listen to his answer as he began scanning the text that had popped up when he had clicked ‘learn more.’ While he could technically read it, the vast majority of words there just… didn’t exist in Greek. He had no idea what was wrong or how to fix it. If he kept pressing buttons… no, that might have worked if it weren’t L’s mind he was messing with. He would have been slightly less reluctant even if it had been someone else’s mind, but L relied on his brain for everything. If Orpheus messed up here, he would be taking away who L was. “Troubleshoot? Infection?” he read, tilting his head at two of the few words he recognized. “Do you feel sick?” he asked suddenly, gaze horrified as he looked at L. If the House had infected L physically along with everything else it had done here…
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Mar 4, 2021 20:26:42 GMT -5
L had used computers before. He knew that, he remembered, but...his brain wasn’t working. He couldn’t think. He didn’t want to do something stupid and accidentally hurt his brain even more. But he did know he was better equipped for the job than Orpheus was. And he knew that this wasn’t going to fix itself. So he needed to get moving and do something. He watched Orpheus carefully, eyes wide as the other blinker clicked something. Well...it hadn’t hurt, at least. Maybe it was safe. He sucked in a breath, trying to relax. He couldn’t afford to panic right now, he needed to get this done, quickly. “Computers…” he muttered, closing his eyes to try and think. He just...needed to figure out what was happening. Not hard. Right? He floated a little closer, peering at the screen that Orpheus had changed a little. “It looks like…” he frowned, trying to collect his own thoughts, trying to - Oh. Oh. “It’s...it’s a virus,” he exclaimed excitedly, turning to grab Orpheus’ hand. “It’s a virus. Not a physical one. A computer virus. Of course. That’s why it looks like this.” He winced as another computer went dark. “I don’t know how much longer I have,” he continued in a more serious tone, meeting Orpheus’ eyes. “So we’ll need to do this quickly. First, we need to download a virus scanner. If you search for it, some things should come up that you can use for that.” He was getting a headache from thinking so much. He reached up, touching his head lightly, then dropped his hand and tried his best to focus on the problem at hand.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Mar 4, 2021 20:50:27 GMT -5
Orpheus didn’t know computers could even get viruses. In all honesty, he wasn’t even sure he knew what human viruses were except they were spread from person to person if you went out when you were sick. He knew they didn’t feel very nice, but as far as he was aware, computers couldn’t feel things. But this wasn’t really a computer, it was L’s brain, and L could feel things. Orpheus shook the thought away. He didn’t need to worry about the logistics of computer viruses, he needed to figure out how to solve this one. He squeezed L’s hand, not entirely certain why he sounded so excited. He hoped it was because computer viruses were easy to fix. Orpheus hoped that was the case, especially since it seemed like he didn’t have very much time to learn how to fix this one. Orpheus looked at L for a long moment, then did as he said. How did he search for things? He thought L had showed him in the one room where they had used computers before, but Orpheus had been more preoccupied staring at L’s face than he had been learning to use the computer. He never thought he’d have to regret that. He gave a soft sigh, clicking on the little icon at the bottom, then moving up to the bar at the top. “Virus scanner,” he murmured, then hit the enter button and looked to L to see if he had done that right. His brow furrowed at the gentle way L reached up to touch his head, and Orpheus couldn’t help but wonder how painful this all was. “Don’t worry,” he whispered, clicking through the options, “We’re going to fix this.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Mar 4, 2021 22:40:29 GMT -5
Some computer viruses were easy to solve, but that wasn’t why L was excited. He was just excited because once you knew what a problem was, you had a much better shot at solving it. And he really, really wanted to solve this one. He was good with computers. Excellent, even. When he could think. This was going to require thought on his part, wasn’t it? He rubbed his head, trying as hard as he could to force it to word, just work. It shouldn’t be this hard, why was it so hard? He knew logically why this was so difficult, but he didn’t have to like it. He blinked, looking up at Orpheus again and trying as hard as he could to concentrate. At least Orpheus had seen a computer before. This could definitely be worse. “Yes. That’s good,” he muttered, nodding at what Orpheus had done already. “You’ll, ah…!” He broke off, hands flying up to his head and holding it as a third screen shut off. An important one, apparently, because it was suddenly even harder to make his thoughts work. His eyes squeezed shut against awful feeling of shutting down, and he breathed for a long moment before forcing his eyes open again. He wasn’t going to let this end him. Not permanently, anyway. “You’ll want to download it,” he finished through gritted teeth. “It should, ah…scan for the problem. Why my brain doesn’t have an antivirus system downloaded, I don’t know, but perhaps you should...look for one of those...as well…” He glanced at Orpheus, expression softening a little at the words. “I have no doubt that you’ll try,” he murmured, looking back at the screen. He just didn’t know how likely this was to work.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Mar 5, 2021 12:18:33 GMT -5
Orpheus tensed at the soft cry L gave. The computers were shutting down quickly, and though Orpheus figured they were all important, he also knew that there were likely some that were integral, and others that were more extraneous. The issue was that he didn’t know which ones to prioritize. If all of the computers had the virus… were they all connected? Would the same virus scanner and antivirus help all of the computers, or was he going to have to download it individually on each one? He doubted they had the time for that. He took a deep breath out, not daring to even look at L. If he did that… he shook the thought away. L would be fine, even if he looked at him. It was just that looking might distract Orpheus, and as worried as he was, he could always be more worried. He just needed to do what L told him, and it would all be fine. He took a deep breath in, eyes scanning the link. “Uh… what does this mean Mac. O.S or Windows?” he asked, brow creasing. He didn’t have time not to know what things were! If he were from L’s time, he probably would have been able to save him already. But he wasn’t. He was from much before and he didn’t know how computers worked and he didn’t know how to fix this, and if he did something wrong, he could mess up L’s mind forever. He wouldn’t do that. He refused to do that. He was Orpheus, he did the impossible, and he refused to mess up L’s mind. He was going to save it. He had to save it. Even before L answered his question, he was already looking up the other thing he had asked for. An anti-virus system? He didn’t know which ones were good, had no idea that downloading something could theoretically also download another virus, but… he was doing his best. He tried to push away the thought that his best might not be good enough. Again.
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Mar 5, 2021 22:32:52 GMT -5
L didn’t like the feeling of shutting down. He didn’t like the feeling of slipping away. No...he hated it, he hated feeling like he couldn’t even breathe, like his thoughts were just...gone. He wondered whether Orpheus could see it in his eyes...could he tell L was fading? Could he tell L wasn’t himself? He wished he had a theory, or even an idea, of what was happening, but he didn’t. It was getting harder and harder to think things through. Was this permanent? What if stopping the virus stopped the computers from shutting down but didn’t bring the others back to life? What if there was permanent brain damage? He couldn’t...he just couldn’t. That was who he was. He looked up, sucking in a breath to steady himself. He frowned a little at the question, forcing himself to concentrate on it instead of everything else. “I...don’t see why my brain would be any of those,” he answered a little nervously. “But the scanner might not work if it’s the wrong one...let me see.” He leaned in, peering at the screen. Yes...yes, there. “Mac,” he said, as confidently as he could while not feeling at all confident. He watched Orpheus look up anti-virus systems, and began to think through the best ones. It would almost be funny, having to download a virus-scanner in his head, if it wasn’t so terrifying. “That one,” he said suddenly, pointing. “That one is good. And…” he broke off, forgetting what he was about to say. It had felt important, but...no, it was gone. “And…um…” he struggled for a long moment, searching for something to say instead. “Never mind,” he murmured after a moment, looking away. “I don’t remember what I was going to say.”
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Mar 6, 2021 0:10:07 GMT -5
Orpheus glanced at L, then switched back to the other tab to hit the ‘download for Mac’ button. He didn’t know what that meant. L was L, he wasn’t Mac. Was Mac even a name? It was probably more computer terminology that Orpheus had never gotten a chance to learn. He should have taken the opportunity to quiz L in the one room that had computers before. He had never thought what he learned in that room would end up being vital information. With the virus scanner downloaded, though, he moved back to finding antivirus software. It was probably more important to get rid of this virus, but the computer seemed to be a little slow to download it. “Tell me if you feel it trying to download or… or something,” Orpheus murmured, not daring to look back at L again. “I want to help, but if it’s hurting you, we’ll have to find another option.” He sounded more confident than he felt. They didn’t have very much time, and another option might not be available. His eyes widened a little as L pointed, and he nodded, clicking on that one and downloading it for Mac, too. Orpheus steeled his expression, resisting the urge to turn and hold L close and tell him it was going to be alright. It wasn’t going to be alright unless he managed to fix this somehow. He let out a sigh of relief as the scanner finished downloading, and he clicked on it as quickly as he could. His eyes scanned over the instructions – best he could tell, if he hit the ‘run’ button, the thing would look for the virus. If they could locate it, then maybe they would be able to shut it down. “I think I’m getting somewhere,” he told L lightly, a small smile flickering across his face. He stood back, taking L’s hand again as the program began to do its thing. He didn’t know how long it would take, but… he hoped not very long.
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Mar 6, 2021 0:30:52 GMT -5
Under normal circumstances, L would have been very curious to know how the House had reached the conclusion that his brain should be a Mac. Under normal circumstances, he would have tried to chew through the possibilities and figure out what the House thought it was communicating here. But he didn’t feel like he could, at the moment. He could barely keep himself functional at all, much less at his usual efficiency. He watched, eyes wide as Orpheus continued to work. As he did things L couldn’t follow. He felt like a small child watching someone pull something off that his mind couldn’t yet follow...he didn’t like feeling this helpless. “It shouldn’t hurt me,” he murmured uncertainly, eyeing the screen. “At least...I don’t think so. If it does - “ Another screen went dark and L stiffened, holding in the pained gasp that tried to escape him. They were close, they were so close...he could hold on a little longer. Right? He nodded a little as Orpheus stood back, and he reached out for his hand. “I think it’ll be okay now,” he breathed, watching it work. “I think-“ And then he wasn’t thinking at all. Because pure pain flooded his body. He gasped in shock and let go of Orpheus’ hand, doubling over first and then falling to his knees. Thoughts vanished in whiteness as he panted, fighting the darkness that threatened to consume him, that edged at his vision. He couldn’t see Orpheus anymore. Couldn’t see. Couldn’t think. Everything hurt like he had been set on fire and couldn’t put it out, and he held his breath so he didn’t scream, biting his tongue hard enough to draw blood to stifle the sound.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Mar 6, 2021 1:49:17 GMT -5
“Okay,” Orpheus replied softly, hoping that L was right. He wasn’t sure what he would do if it hurt him. And then almost instantly it wasn’t a theoretical anymore. L was on the ground, and Orpheus cast a look back at the computer. The scanning was about a quarter of the way done, but no more of the computers had shut off. Other than the one that had shut off before he had hit the button. He stepped back, kneeling down to the ground and gently wrapping his arms around L. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, voice breaking. “I’m sorry love, I can’t stop it, I don’t… I don’t know how to fix it if I stop it now. I’m sorry.” He rocked back and forth gently, one hand reaching up to lightly brush through L’s hair as he kept whispering. “If you can hear me, you’re right here. I’m not going to let it hurt you permanently. Hear me? I’m going to fix it.” He had to hope that it would give him instructions when it finished scanning all the files. He hated to think that whatever it was he had downloaded into L’s brain had access to all of his thoughts, but… but L had told him to. And it was the only thing he had now. “I’m here,” he whispered, watching as the bar crept a little bit closer to 100%. “Keep fighting it, love. Remember all the memories we just went through. The good ones, at least. It’s almost over, love. 72% now.” Orpheus was just talking at that point, trying to say whatever he could do bring L back to the moment, to pull him back to reality. He didn’t know what was happening, just knew that L was in pain and the virus was fighting him, and though Orpheus was confident L could win, he needed help. And help was coming slowly. Very, very slowly.
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Mar 6, 2021 2:32:18 GMT -5
L was trying to fight it. He was trying to exist, trying to breathe to stay alive. Why did it hurt so much? Couldn’t it stop? Why wasn’t Orpheus making it stop? His thoughts were top shattered to explain the situation. His mind was fractured, he couldn’t breathe… And then he felt something warm slip around him and he turned, wrapping his arms around Orpheus and holding on like he was afraid he’d drown if he let go for even a moment. “Help…” he panted, his voice high-pitched with agony. “Please...please stop...please…” Why wasn’t it stopping? Was there anything he could do to make it stop? He’d have done anything, he thought, to make it stop for even a moment. But there was nothing, nothing but Orpheus’ voice tethering him to reality. He forced himself to breathe through his nose, closing his eyes, trying to find a better place to exist. There...the picnic he’d had with Orpheus, in their last room. He placed himself there, pictured looking into Orpheus’ eyes, telling him he loved him, showing him the food...was it possible that this was his happiest memory? No, he decided firmly, his happiest memory was replaced every time he got to see Orpheus again. That was why it was such a recent one. He was shaking, badly, but he managed to lift his head a little to meet Orpheus’ eyes, his own dark ones dilated as he held them. His breath came in short and fast and a cold sweat had broken out over his skin. He didn’t speak. Just listened. Let Orpheus’ voice bring him back, held on as tightly as he could, and silently begged the pain to stop.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Mar 6, 2021 2:59:04 GMT -5
L's voice was all it took to shatter Orpheus. He held him just a little bit tighter, trying to ignore the feeling of tears slipping down his cheeks. It wasn’t his place to cry, this was L’s brain, L’s suffering, and Orpheus, in his attempts to help, was just making him hurt. “I’m sorry,” he whispered after another long moment, moving his hand to very gently rub at L’s temple as though that would decrease some of the pressure there. As though that would make it better. “I’m sorry, it’s almost over. It’s at 85% now, but it might start hurting a lot more when it actually starts trying to remove it.” He hoped the program would do that for him. He didn’t know how to do it himself. If it didn’t do it automatically… he was going to have to learn. Fast. “Hey, don’t worry about responding or looking at me, just do… do whatever you need to do to be as comfortable as possible. I’m here. I’m not going to leave. I’m here.” He took a deep breath, holding L’s gaze for a long moment before looking over at the computer again. “90%, we’re almost there. One step closer to feeling okay again.” He didn’t know if that was the case, but he had to hope it was. He had to hope he wasn’t making a bunch of empty promises again. And then the scanner hit 100% and Orpheus stared at it for a long moment before very gently pressing his forehead to L’s. “Stay right here,” he murmured, squeezing L’s hand before he stood up and started reading over the instructions. If it was just as simple as that… “Delete files?” he asked after a moment, eyes widening. He tried to read over what files the thing he had downloaded wanted to delete, but he couldn’t for the life of him tell what they were. He was down by L’s side not a moment later, very gently teasing a finger through his hair. “Hi, love. I can get it to stop, I can make it stop hurting, and I can get rid of the virus, but it’s asking me to delete some files. And I can’t… I can’t do that without your permission. I don’t know if they’re important things, or if they’re things the virus put in your head. It might be the fog that was placed over the memories, but it could be some of the memories themselves, and I just… I just don’t know. I’m not good at this, not like you are.” Orpheus heard his voice crack, but he tried to pretend he didn’t. Tried to pretend he wasn’t bothered, wasn’t terrified… had more screens shut off? He couldn’t tell.
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Mar 7, 2021 2:09:59 GMT -5
L could feel that Orpheus was holding him, and that was what he tried to concentrate on, not the pain, not the pain, not the - But it was impossible to ignore. It was the worst pain he’d ever felt. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t breathe. All he could do was tremble and try not to let himself pass out, because he didn’t know what would happen if he did that, he didn’t know if he’d ever wake up again. Orpheus’ words worked their way into his brain, slower than they should have. He was gritting his teeth so hard he had to take a moment to pry them apart enough to speak. “It can’t...possibly...be worse…” he managed to get the words out, but just barely. Comfortable was not going to happen. L held onto Orpheus like a lifeline, not speaking, not moving, not doing much of anything besides existing and trying not to black out. He was, at least, not making any noise. Orpheus was probably worried enough as it was. 90%. He grabbed onto the number and held on as tightly as he could. He wouldn’t let go. He was not going to let go, he was stubborn, he was alive. And then Orpheus wasn’t there and L curled into a hall, silent tears running down his face. He felt weak. Pathetic. If the House could destroy him this easily, he has to wonder why it didn’t do it more often. No. He wasn’t destroyed. He wasn’t broken. This was merely pain...he could close his eyes and be somewhere else if he needed to. Orpheus was going to fix this. Orpheus was going to help. Orpheus… He sucked in a breath as the words touched his brain, and he forced his dark eyes open to meet Orpheus’ hazel ones. He barely understood what was being said, though whether that was because of the pain or the fog he wasn’t sure. “Do it,” he managed to gasp, pain filling his eyes. “Make...this...stop...please…” He closed his eyes, trying to think logically about this, but that part of him seeemd to have died. Or gone to sleep. It wasn’t there, was the point. Orpheus would fix this. Orpheus was good at making things okay. He trusted Orpheus. It was going to work. If it didn’t… L was losing the battle to stay conscious.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Mar 7, 2021 15:25:03 GMT -5
There was almost nothing worse than watching L in pain. Orpheus would have traded his own life, his own safety, just to make sure L was okay again. But Orpheus knew he couldn’t do that, and that even if he could, L wouldn’t want him to. Perhaps that was the most difficult thing about love. You wanted to sacrifice yourself for their happiness, but they wouldn’t be happy if you did. There was a fine line, and Orpheus was fairly certain he was straddling it. Orpheus hated having to leave L sitting there alone, in pain. If he could’ve picked him up and carried him over to the computer, he would have. But he didn’t want to make the pain worse. He didn’t want to hurt L any more than he had already been hurt. Deleting files… if L had been in his right mind, would he still have agreed? Orpheus didn’t know what he was deleting. He didn’t know if he could make this any better, didn’t know if getting rid of the virus would just make things worse. What if he deleted something that made L… L? No. He wasn’t going to do that, and even if he did, they could fix it once the virus was gone. Once L could think again and find a way to fix it. He managed a deep breath, squeezed L’s hand, and stood up again. “Delete infected files,” he whispered, very gently clicking the button. And then he backed away from the computer, forgetting about it entirely. The computer might have been L, but it wasn’t the L that was huddled on the floor. It wasn’t the L that needed someone to hold him through pain Orpheus was fairly certain he couldn’t even imagine. Gently, Orpheus wrapped his arms back around L, rocking him gently and starting, very quietly, to hum. He was going to make this as painless as possible. His music… well, he would tell L until he died that it wasn’t magic, that anyone could do what he did if they practiced for long enough… but he did know that it seemed to have a calming effect on L. On most people, actually. But if he could help calm L now… that was what he was going to do. “I love you,” he whispered after a long moment. “I’m here.”
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Mar 7, 2021 21:06:25 GMT -5
L would never have wanted Orpheus to sacrifice himself. L would never have wanted Orpheus to lose his safety, his life, just to make L okay. But right now, his mind was shattered and he couldn’t think clearly enough to wonder whether that might even happen. He couldn’t think well enough to understand where Orpheus had gone. All he knew was that he wasn’t there, and the floor was so cold and yet his body was hot and yet he was shivering like he was going to freeze to death. It made no sense. He didn’t know if he would have agreed if he’d been himself. He didn’t know….he wasn’t himself enough to know. All he wanted was for it to stop hurting. All he wanted was to not be in pain anymore. He’d have traded almost anything or that. And then suddenly he could no longer want anything at all. He had thought, foolishly, that it couldn’t possibly be worse. He had thought, foolishly, that the worst pain he had ever felt must be the worst pain that could be felt. He was, of course, quite wrong. And the House seemed to decide to prove it. A scream that seemed to come from every shred of flesh and blood in his body, every molecule, every taut muscle, stabbed the air. It was a high-pitched, primal sound, barely human at all, and it didn’t stop. He didn’t know where it was coming from. He didn’t care, he didn’t care about anything at all, it felt like his body was being shredded from the inside out, he didn’t know it was even possible to experience this much pain, he didn’t know anything, all he felt was the piercing need for it to stop. He didn’t care how. He barely knew anyone else was there at all. Why wasn’t he passing out? Weren’t you supposed to pass out when the pain was too great? His entire body trembled violently, and tears streamed down his face, escaping closed eyes. He thought he’d give anything at all to be free. The scream died down at last, and his muscles relaxed as it faded, leaving him limp in Orpheus’ arms. He was breathing, and technically he was conscious, but he didn’t open his eyes.
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Transgender
strider
No mourners, no funerals
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Post by strider on Mar 8, 2021 1:24:02 GMT -5
Orpheus didn’t break off as he heard L scream. He couldn’t afford to. He couldn’t afford to stop humming, to give up hope, to… to let the sound – no, the scream was more than a sound, it was a feeling, a feeling that invaded every part of Orpheus’ heart – overwhelm him. He didn’t mind how close it was to his ear, didn’t flinch at how inhuman it sounded. He just rocked back and forth, holding L as tightly to him as he could, one hand gently running through L’s hair. The humming didn’t stop. It was the one thing he had to give, the one thing that felt like maybe, just maybe, it could break through the pain L was experiencing. Orpheus knew he was fooling himself. He knew he couldn’t imagine what L was going through, only knew he was tired, so tired of holding L while the worst was happening, completely helpless as he cradled L and pretended he could actually do something to help him. It hadn’t worked in the room with the frogs, and it wasn’t working here. But he wasn’t going to stop. He forced himself to keep breathing, to keep rocking and teasing through L’s hair, to hold him for as long as it took for the pain to stop. He had done what he could. He had tried to get rid of the virus, and he had no way of knowing if he actually succeeded. When L went limp, Orpheus’ heart forced it’s way towards his throat. The humming choked itself off and he let one hand move towards L’s heart, not relaxing until he felt the soft beat of it beneath his fingertips. Good. Good, he was going to keep it there until L opened his eyes. He didn’t know if the pain was gone, but the screaming had stopped, which… was either a very good thing or a very bad thing. Orpheus shook the thought away, keeping his hand on L’s heart as he pulled him into a more supported, comfortable position. “Λ,” he whispered, moving his free hand to very gently wipe the tears from L’s cheeks. “You’re not alone. I don’t know if you’re fighting anymore, but… I’m here. I’m not going to let you go. I’m here.” He didn’t notice the computers beginning to turn on around him. All he cared about was L.
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Post by ®Hawkpath® on Mar 8, 2021 1:48:01 GMT -5
The first thing L was aware of was the humming. He didn’t open his eyes at first, just breathed. He was alive. And, more importantly, the pain was gone. It should have taken longer, he knew, for pain that great to fade, but he wouldn’t argue with the House on that. If it wanted to release him that easily, then he would let it. He noticed he was being rocked, gently, warmth surrounding him. He wasn’t lying on the cold floor anymore, then. He kept noticing things, like the humming, like being rocked, like...like his own thoughts. Like the feeling of them moving fast through his head. He had never noticed how his own brain worked until that moment. He hadn’t realized how different he’d been without it. But in comparison...he knew he was right. He depended on his brain for everything. That was who he was. Without it...but it was back. L was back. He kept his eyes closed for a long moment, exploring his own head again. Then Orpheus’ voice touched him and he slowly opened them, meeting hazel eyes, his own dark ones puzzled and filled with wonder at the same time. He moved slowly, lifting his hand to where Orpheus’ rested over his chest and covering it gently. Then he managed a tiny smile. “The House really needs to stop doing this…” he muttered, searching Orpheus’ expression. “Not that I died this time. But that was...unpleasant.” Understatement of the year. But he didn’t bother correcting himself. He was pretty sure they both knew that had been more than unpleasant. “I’m alright,” he added, the smile slipping away into a more serious expression. “And I’m...me.”
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