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Post by Novi on Aug 31, 2018 1:37:32 GMT -5
Lost steam for this particular story. It might make a comeback later. We shall see~
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Aug 31, 2018 1:39:12 GMT -5
Post by Novi on Aug 31, 2018 1:39:12 GMT -5
alrighty. the first chapter of this is up. let me know what you think and if it's a story and style you're interested in :3 feedback really motivates an author, whether it be constructive criticism or simple positive feedback it's welcome
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Aug 31, 2018 13:45:40 GMT -5
Post by phantomstar57 on Aug 31, 2018 13:45:40 GMT -5
I find this intriguing. If I get some time I can critique, tho the only issue I saw was a tendency to use more passive type "ing" verbiage like "was walking" instead of just "walked". But the story, setting, characters and world you present intrigue me. DO continue! And tag me when new chapters go up. Lionel is a Maine Coon?? If so AWESOME as its my fave breed.
The pic you used is what is known as "black smoke" and I have had two in my life, Walocke ( model for my character smokewind) and my current one, Abby. My Darwin is a blue smoke, which is lighter in color.
and if you're looking for a fic to read you could try mine LOL It is complete but it is rather long, and of course, it has Maine Coon cats in it.. the link in my sig should take you right to it.
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Post by Novi on Aug 31, 2018 16:38:04 GMT -5
thanks for the immediate feedback :3 i noticed some typos of mine as well so ill go looking for -ings when i go back and fix them :3 Lionel is a maine coon <3 i love them so much. they're so cool. ill definitely check it out when i get the chance. ive got a three day weekend thanks to labor day
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Aug 31, 2018 20:29:11 GMT -5
Post by phantomstar57 on Aug 31, 2018 20:29:11 GMT -5
thanks for the immediate feedback :3 i noticed some typos of mine as well so ill go looking for -ings when i go back and fix them :3 Lionel is a maine coon <3 i love them so much. they're so cool. ill definitely check it out when i get the chance. ive got a three day weekend thanks to labor day Awesome. I have owned Maine Coons for over 25 years and have three at the moment. The thing about the ing verbs is to decide if it picks up the action better which it usually does.
Just a few notes on the ing verbiage: Things like started to run, or began to rain, was/were walking, and even too many had been "inert ing verb" can slow action. You want to save those for moments in which they emphasize what might be going on. If the scene say is a fight scene you'd be better off saying "rain drenched the combatants in moments but neither paid attention. . etc" rather than saying "As the combatants circled each other it began to rain"
If you want to center on the rain starting, you might use "As the combatants circled each other, rain began to fall, pelting the warriors with large drops, which they ignored.
I didn't necessarily see these in your tale but I wanted to explain more what I mean. I will show a few below as samples from the 1st chapter.
"Supposedly, Zircon had gotten all of his bravery from his father. " I'd simply rework to read "Supposedly, Zircon received all of his bravery from his father. "
and this one "It sounded like someone was yowling the alarm." I might rework to read "It sounded like someone yowled the alarm." or if it were me, i'd go with, "A yowling alarm echoed up from the village"
I hope I am making sense!
For the most part you are using active verbiage which pushes the action along well. Love your descriptions and growing culture, and the characters. I am eager to see how this story plays out.
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Post by Novi on Sept 10, 2018 0:08:09 GMT -5
i'm finally getting around to working on chapter two. just a little further to go, but im off to bed. still, quick question before then to my few readers: do y'all want me to post chapter two right away or post chapters in chunks? or, alternatively, i can post chapters as i write them in the beginning and then once the story is rolling do them in mass chunks.
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Sept 10, 2018 10:34:00 GMT -5
Post by phantomstar57 on Sept 10, 2018 10:34:00 GMT -5
Whatever is easiest for you. :-)
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Post by Novi on Sept 10, 2018 13:03:22 GMT -5
decided to just go and post chapter two. lol. i'll probably go back and do more with the houses, change names and add some, change and add cats, we'll see.
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Sept 12, 2018 19:03:45 GMT -5
*zooms in* It's a new fic. o.o Heeello Novi! Long time no see!
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Post by Novi on Sept 12, 2018 19:06:21 GMT -5
*steps out of the way of the zooming minted.* herrow :3
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Sept 12, 2018 19:48:37 GMT -5
How are you? *continues to zoom in circles*
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Post by Novi on Sept 12, 2018 19:51:08 GMT -5
i'm alive. debating if i actually want to be productive, school-wise ^^" how have you been?
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Sept 14, 2018 19:39:02 GMT -5
Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Sept 14, 2018 19:39:02 GMT -5
Same. But, seeing as how I've been gone, I must have gotten something done. Surely ... Doesn't feel like it though. :/ Go be productive in school, Novi. Apparently it's necessary.
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Post by Novi on Sept 15, 2018 15:17:31 GMT -5
apparently X'D but it's the weekend, so im off to work on chapter 3. maybe. lol
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Sept 15, 2018 18:42:00 GMT -5
Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Sept 15, 2018 18:42:00 GMT -5
Go work on chapter 3. =.=
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Post by Novi on Sept 15, 2018 21:41:19 GMT -5
i will. lol. but what dost thou think so far?
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Sept 16, 2018 18:38:35 GMT -5
I'm on chapter two. So far I like it. I'm interested to see about the hounds and what we'll learn about the guard.
Also, I noticed you're taking fic suggestions. A New Blood is very good.
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Sept 16, 2018 21:56:26 GMT -5
Post by Novi on Sept 16, 2018 21:56:26 GMT -5
i'll get around writing it all XD
i took a look. it's not bad, but i'm not very keen on reading fanfics that include canon characters because i always wonder about whether or not the author is truly portraying the character correctly. but that's just me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ kudos for having a completed story. i always struggle to complete mine. lol
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Sept 16, 2018 22:09:53 GMT -5
Post by phantomstar57 on Sept 16, 2018 22:09:53 GMT -5
i'll get around writing it all XD i took a look. it's not bad, but i'm not very keen on reading fanfics that include canon characters because i always wonder about whether or not the author is truly portraying the character correctly. but that's just me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ kudos for having a completed story. i always struggle to complete mine. lol Are you speaking of NEW BLOOD? I strive to keep the canon characters true, and if you keep reading you may find you like the story. But it isn't for everyone. I wrote it because that "WHAT IF" kept popping into my head with every book I read. What if they had a few huge Maine Coons join the Clans?
I admit I altered the time line but that was bound to happen with the changes I introduced.
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Post by Novi on Sept 16, 2018 22:38:48 GMT -5
if Minted and i are thinking of the same one, then yes of course, canon fanfictions are there to explore those 'what-if' questions, but i just don't normally pick them up. although i am going to be formatting my story similarly to your chapters and parts since it makes more sense to me :3 that change will come in my next story update~
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Sept 17, 2018 10:57:20 GMT -5
Post by phantomstar57 on Sept 17, 2018 10:57:20 GMT -5
if Minted and i are thinking of the same one, then yes of course, canon fanfictions are there to explore those 'what-if' questions, but i just don't normally pick them up. although i am going to be formatting my story similarly to your chapters and parts since it makes more sense to me :3 that change will come in my next story update~ The link to my story is in my sig. Easy to find. . I know a lot of people don't like canon related fics, but I do pride myself on my professionalism (I am a published author), and I would hope I can stay true to the canon while creating my own unique OCs that help and change the Clans in ways they never dreamed of. Yet I do stick to the general time line, and certain fixed points in time that cannot be changed (ie Dr Who). If one dies in the cannon stories one eventually dies in my tale, but perhaps not by the way originally done. My what if doesn't involve any of the canon characters as the main characters, as the whole tale is shown thru my OC's eyes. And I did change some major events because that is the altered timeline and certain things could not happen or the Coyote menace would have finished off the Clans after Darktail's rule. But that is part of the fun sometimes, and when done well stories involving canon can be a blast. i have seen several that are well done. I would hope readers think I have done well with it. Only big thing with the canon characters I did change because I disliked her given warrior name was to make Alderheart, urged by Gentleoak, to convince his father to give the name Sparkfire instead of Sparkpelt., That is a small change my OCs drive, because in the books Alderheart thinks her name should be that, but never acts on it. Here, my OC medicine cat Gentleoak prods him to do it. Another small example, poor old Purdy, in the books just faded into the night, dying without even a whimper. So did Spiderleg. just a mention. Sad to me. In New Blood both die a warrior's death, helping their Clan in the Great Coyote battle.
I hope you'll give it a read as it does get better and better as one gets deeper into it. Ask Minted if you have any doubts
I am glad you liked my formatting! The credit to that goes to Lynxleap :-)
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Post by Novi on Sept 17, 2018 13:23:21 GMT -5
i might try it again. we'll see :3 id have to read it in one go, though, otherwise i'll lose my spot of where i left off XD can't exactly bookmark on the forums what did you publish? i'll still have to decide how i want to split it apart, though. hm...i can do it a number of different ways. i can do it by time period (so chapter one will be the entirety of Zircon and Co. training and then Chapter 2 will be his time as a new guard and etc) or do chapters by major events, so multiple 'major events' can happen in one time period. so hard XD and i also gotta decide which second P.O.V im going to use
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Sept 17, 2018 18:53:26 GMT -5
Post by phantomstar57 on Sept 17, 2018 18:53:26 GMT -5
i might try it again. we'll see :3 id have to read it in one go, though, otherwise i'll lose my spot of where i left off XD can't exactly bookmark on the forums what did you publish? i'll still have to decide how i want to split it apart, though. hm...i can do it a number of different ways. i can do it by time period (so chapter one will be the entirety of Zircon and Co. training and then Chapter 2 will be his time as a new guard and etc) or do chapters by major events, so multiple 'major events' can happen in one time period. so hard XD and i also gotta decide which second P.O.V im going to use I hope you do give it a go, LOL. I know its a fearsome wall of text. I'd really like to know what you think of the entire story.
I have eight books out, some scifi and fantasy and a book about my beloved Maine Coon, Khan. (I modeled Gentleoak after him) His book is called KHAN: A MAINE COON and its his life story from his pov. The scifi is basically alien family saga following the adventures of an alien family.
You might so the splits by pov or events or even both! In my scifi I have several main characters in which I follow their povs and weaving that all together was and is difficult but is a real challenge I have always enjoyed. My 3rd book in my scifi trilogy is proving to be the most difficult in that regard, but will be worth the work in the end. Your story looks like it may have that potential to be broken into several threads woven together to tell the tale. I look forward to seeing what you come up with.
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Post by Novi on Sept 17, 2018 19:08:03 GMT -5
i utilize spoilers so it's less scrolling for readers XD *coughs* as well as myself cuz i like to go back and pick through to see if there's any errors or if there's something i could reword to make it sound better and all that ^^"
alien family. sounds interesting O-O
i don't know if I'll do two stories that start out completely unconnected and meet somewhere in the middle/end, but i'll definitely be weaving two P.O.Vs Zircon's and someone else's. Just have to decide which other aspect of the imperial life i want to depict most. although i'll probably do special events from other cats' P.O.Vs in another section just for fun. but first i gotta get there X'D
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Sept 17, 2018 20:24:54 GMT -5
Post by phantomstar57 on Sept 17, 2018 20:24:54 GMT -5
i utilize spoilers so it's less scrolling for readers XD *coughs* as well as myself cuz i like to go back and pick through to see if there's any errors or if there's something i could reword to make it sound better and all that ^^" alien family. sounds interesting O-O i don't know if I'll do two stories that start out completely unconnected and meet somewhere in the middle/end, but i'll definitely be weaving two P.O.Vs Zircon's and someone else's. Just have to decide which other aspect of the imperial life i want to depict most. although i'll probably do special events from other cats' P.O.Vs in another section just for fun. but first i gotta get there X'D I wish I had done the spoilers thing but never figured out how to get it to work on an already posted fic. I think I had Chaps 1-12 done when the old forum closed and we moved here. I posted them, with a lot of hair pulling with the coding (Lynxleap did the coding but I learned just enough to copy it where I needed it Hmm i'll give ya an idea who when I finish Chap 2 :-)
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Post by Novi on Sept 17, 2018 20:53:26 GMT -5
spoilers are actually rather simple. you can do it two ways (that i'm aware of o-o): you can highlight what you want to end up in a spoiler and then just click the handy-dandy spoiler button on the strip of commands of the forum bar up top or you can go into the BBC Code section and manually type in the spoiler command around the text you want to put into it which would be spoiler in between brackets [_] at the beginning and then spoiler between brackets at the end with an end / before the word spoiler and after the beginning bracket [/_] sorry if it's not the best explanation XD you can mess around with it so you know what to do before you try it on your story. if you want to, that is ^-^
i'll probs go with Shywind, although maybe after everyone sees where the characters go section/house-wise, i'll put up another poll and see who wants to read what :3
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Sept 18, 2018 11:01:54 GMT -5
Post by phantomstar57 on Sept 18, 2018 11:01:54 GMT -5
spoilers are actually rather simple. you can do it two ways (that i'm aware of o-o): you can highlight what you want to end up in a spoiler and then just click the handy-dandy spoiler button on the strip of commands of the forum bar up top or you can go into the BBC Code section and manually type in the spoiler command around the text you want to put into it which would be spoiler in between brackets [_] at the beginning and then spoiler between brackets at the end with an end / before the word spoiler and after the beginning bracket [/_] sorry if it's not the best explanation XD you can mess around with it so you know what to do before you try it on your story. if you want to, that is ^-^ i'll probs go with Shywind, although maybe after everyone sees where the characters go section/house-wise, i'll put up another poll and see who wants to read what :3 Cool. I may have to experiment as it might be easier for folks to remember what spoiler they left off on. Thanks!! Just a question when is Lionel going to show? Or did I miss it somewhere?
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Post by Novi on Sept 18, 2018 11:54:30 GMT -5
Okay, so, technically Lionel has shown up already, just not by name X'D but he will make an appearnce soon. Lazuli has not shown up yet at all though
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Sept 18, 2018 19:01:25 GMT -5
Post by phantomstar57 on Sept 18, 2018 19:01:25 GMT -5
Okay, so, technically Lionel has shown up already, just not by name X'D but he will make an appearnce soon. Lazuli has not shown up yet at all though Ah he has? I will reread to see if I can find him.
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Post by Novi on Sept 18, 2018 21:57:38 GMT -5
once you meet him in the story, it'll be real obvious where he came before XD
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